Feb 22 2007, 12:02 PM
And Anna K, I am sympathetic. It's tough being in the slow lane in the fast paced, Sex in the City world we live in. But I think everyone is capable of finding rewarding experiences, whether they chose to sleep with someone for the first time on a first date or on a wedding night or whenever. The good news about living in a liberated age is that the decision of "when" is largely left up to us... women didn't always have that luxury, which is hard to imagine, esp. when they were getting married at 13 and 14!
Feb 24 2007, 10:02 PM
it is not really a frustration. but, i laugh how gay men take such good care of me. they are very chivalrous with me. and i keep thinking, "ok, i need to find this behavior in a straight guy." um, i'm working on it.
Feb 26 2007, 09:24 AM
Oh, I know, one of my closest friends (or "non-sexual life partner" as he likes to refer to himself) treats me like a queen. Never forgets a birthday, a milestone, always calls and sents sweet notes and thoughtful gifts "just because." I don't know what I did to deserve this! I think I will always need two men in my life- the straight one, who keeps me happy in bed, and a gay man who keeps me happy when I'm out of it.
It's funny, one of my younger female friends is experiencing the same thing. She's been best friends with Roberto, her non-sexual life partner, since they were in junior high, and they are 25 now. He is absolutely devoted to her. For her 25th birthday, he emailed all her friends and got us to surprise her at Bistro Du Coin, her favorite French restaurant, where there were bottles of champagne and steaming pots of mussels waiting. It almost broke my heart because I'm sitting there thinking, "I don't know if a straight man would ever do something so incredibly thoughtful, no matter how much he may love a woman."
I don't know, there are some very chivalrous and romantic straight fellas out there, but they are few and far between. But, here's to hoping.
Mar 4 2007, 01:05 AM
so ex and i were on an off with our sexual relationship (we hop between just friends, just sex, just relationship, exclusive, non exclusive, etc etc).. and then i met this boy. so hot. instant attraction, within an hour we were in bed together. and he's real fly, but he's a band dude and i know what to expect with band dudes. so it became a booty call, and in the meantime ex and i started sleeping together again. so i'm bouncing between these two hot dudes, all the while knowing it wont last. i get sexually frustrated if i dont get it for a while and then i make a decision that i know feels nice for the moment but in the long run leaves me unfulfilled. and i'm this passionate girl who enjoys to fantasize about love and puppies and all that stupid shit. i'm too old to play the hook up game, but i'm also not the type of girl who wants to 'settle down'. so now what.
Mar 4 2007, 01:41 AM
there is a guy who has a crush on me, he constantly complementing and flattering me. but i find myself liking him less and less because of them. it just all feels like game. i was talking about this with my ex, and i realized i prefer less flattery, and more just hanging out being cool. am i the only person who feels like that?
Mar 4 2007, 06:11 PM
follow your gut.. it probably is a game. besides if ur not really into him, whats the point?
Mar 4 2007, 10:33 PM
knorl, yeah, that sounds like my last year. not making smart choices, but just selling myself out. so, i've stopped that. you really need to be with a man who will want the whole package. because you deserve it. remember that. i can totally understand the sexual frustration part. but, after realizing you are not the love 'em and leave 'em type eventually gets to you. i mean, it got to me. you'll realize those booty calls won't wash away your longing and desires for something real.
gt, yeah, i don't like too much flattery. seems a little too smooth. one of the dislikes of owen wilson. oh, and that's a red flag for me with boys who like him. a smooth talker who can talk any women into doing anything he likes and then acts all ambivalent with them. losers. i agree with knorl...he seems like a player.
Mar 4 2007, 11:06 PM
yeah, well, we have a pretty cool connection-- both artists, etc. so i do like him---
ok, so, the deal is, i've dated nothing but women. i've been with guys before, to be sure, but the whole dating thing....so the problem is that i really don't know how to navigate these waters.
hell, i don't even know if i want to be dating anyone.
Mar 5 2007, 01:30 AM
gt, I gotta say, that's not such a bad place to be. I mean, not knowing how to navigate, it means you don't have any formulas to go by. You end up being a lot more yourself, which ultimately can be a lot more honest. Whether you end up with him or not, you only have your own feelings about what you want as a guide, not any outside expectations about what you should be doing/should have done. I would suggest just seeing where it goes, how deep the connection runs. It's not easy, by any means, but either you'll end up forging a relationship YOU want, or you'll know that this guy wasn't for you, specifically. If that makes any sense......
Mar 6 2007, 02:51 PM
star: you know what's bizarre? i had never really thought about it like that before.. i've just always thought i was doing what i wanted to do when i wanted to do it. i mean i know i've had my issues and what not, but i guess i havent really considered the fact that i've just been selling myself short. since i been a grown up i've only kicked it on the booty level with a handful of guys. the ex was my main distraction, i kinda just thought we would always be together because we been through so much. but i finally came to the realization recently that i do not think we are meant for eachother because we wouldnt play such stupid games with eachother if we were. so time for me to decide what i want, deep down, really truly wholly.
Mar 6 2007, 10:37 PM
knorl, it's tough when you come to that realization, but in a way it is also liberating. trust me, i still get nervous if a good guy liked me that i would fuck it up. but, that is just my own insecurity. a real man will be patient with me. and i know a man will treasure you and appreciate all you have to offer. don't sell yourself short.
Mar 7 2007, 06:44 AM
here's a being single frustration that just occurred to me: when you're awake at some ungodly hour (say, 4:30a.m.) because you've got a lot on your mind, and rather than get out of bed and go to your computer to pass time, you really just want someone you can wrap your arms around and forget about what's bugging you. grrrrrr
Mar 7 2007, 08:56 PM
oh yeah, jkat. i've been needing that alot lately. hugs are great.
Mar 7 2007, 09:20 PM
Mar 7 2007, 09:26 PM
hey star, i've just read what you've been going through lately. that's so hard; i hope you're doing well. you def need this more than i do!
((((((((((((hugs for stargazer))))))))))))))
Mar 7 2007, 11:56 PM
i read something pretty depressing but realistic recently: most of our intimate relationships dont work out. how sad is that? makes me put things into perspective though. is the time spent with those we are choosing to date, really worth it? band dude apologized after i told him he was being a dick.. whenever i am the least bit pissy with him he's all cool with me. that's not what i want to deal with, i dont mind bein a bitch if the situation calls for it, but i dont want to have to be a bitch to keep a man in line. i'm not his fucking mom. these temporary relationships are just a distraction anyway.. i need to put my passion into things that will produce results. i think we can all benefit from a little me time, away from all reminders of some people's tendency toward being insensitive and thoughtless.
Mar 12 2007, 10:45 AM
I just think I'm too inept to date. But I hate not having options? Not being selfish, just busy: 2 jobs and 1 class with school (busy class, too, mind). I just wish there was someone with the same obstacles to date around them with. Being in the restaurant industry always seemed easy enough to find certain persons, but not in this town.
When I think about it, I know I'm not ready...but damn does being selfless suck.
Stargazer, wish you'd have made it to Decadence...would have been nice to have couple drinks over this sad topic of ours. Sorry for what you're going thru, though.
Mar 12 2007, 11:46 AM
I have a corollary to your issues, doxy.... I work in an industry where I travel A LOT, even if I have a home base, I'm not there often - and I'm not particularly interested in dating someone who isn't in the same industry as me. This means that the likelihood of long-distance relationships is about 90%. Which is fine with me, you just make it work. I have no issue with it, as a matter of fact, I'm used to it. However, I just don't understand how people of the opposite sex in the same line of work as me seem to shy away from that if we have an attraction. OK, if a guy wants to date a girl who has more of a solid home base / home life / doesn't work in the same industry, that's cool - but if he likes me and wants to check it out, then its a given you have to work around it. I don't see what the issue with that is.
So I'm in a similar place doxy - except I meet great people with the same obstacles to date around, and they don't seem to want to date around them (or they find them to daunting, or something) It's seriously beyond my scope of reason - I'm a fucking catch, for god's sake. The whole fucking package and I'm pretty much issue/baggage free to boot. (had a whole lotta time to work on those myself, I must say I know I won't bring many to the table in a relationship at this point) It makes me nuts. Nuts I tell you.
I don't seem to have a problem finding guys who like me for who I am, I seem to get hung up on them following through with the work it takes to keep me around. and I refuse to chase. wont' do it.
anyway, bleh. just venting.
Mar 12 2007, 04:12 PM
zoya, never say never. so, you might want to check out those men you said you wouldn't date. the ones not in the industry. i hear your frustations though. i feel the same way. it feels like men want women who are more submissive in terms of career, etc. but, those are insecure men who will are not our equals.
HELLO DOXY!! **waves**
so good to see you!! i feel the same way. i think...uh, maybe i'm not up to snuff to date. i'm pretty busy. i like my alone time. but, i also think i just haven't met the dude meant to be with me. i think when you meet that person then it just clicks and you make it work. but, i'm an idealist and hopeless romantic...so please excuse my optimism.
yeah, terrible that katrina kept us from having drinks in n'awlins doxy.
Mar 12 2007, 06:32 PM
stargazer - yeah, I know.... but as far as the submissive women in career thing, what I meant was that I do seem to be meeting men who aren't intimidated by the "women in power" in career thing. It's not that - they're not intimidated by that, it's just that they completely know what kind of work it will take to start / sustain a relationship with both of us doing what we do, but don't seem to want to do it. I can't even imagine someone who doesn't have a grip on what that all entails having the desire to go there once they understand...
it's just frustrating...
Mar 12 2007, 09:51 PM
i'm pretty busy. i like my alone time. but, i also think i just haven't met the dude meant to be with me.
Same here. I'm preoccupied with my work and school and securing my post-college life, and when I've dated I either found the guys so-so or boring. A couple of times I felt good enough to drop my guard and curl up against them on a couch and be romantic, but I don't get that urge much or instant physical attraction. So sometimes I feel cold and removed because I'm not sexually turned on by anyone right now, and don't want to go trolling around feeling lonely and needy.
Mar 13 2007, 12:43 AM
Zoya, I'm drunk...but I re-read your post and still can't figure out if you're in the same ferry as me or not? What I thought I was on about was the hope to meet someone with similar obstacles/less free time but worth it when the few times came to be with eachother.
Ok, nevermind, I just re-read your post again...we're on the same page. Damn, I swear I thought you were questioning what my winging was about...nevermind.
Anyway, I'm so in such a desperate state I'd beg to work hard (in a man's way of speaking, that is) for a decent relationship regarding lack of respective free-time and wacked working/school hours. If there were one single morning we could walk to Surry's for that big ass banana pancake with granola and stuff on it (and I'm not so much a pancake person as I am "please do something funky with and omelette for me" person). That one single morning where I'd sit there reading the paper and she'd sit there working on the cross-word puzzle not knowing how much it tickled me to have her clueless of how much I admired her for even finding a first word since I sucked so much at it...still we'd have that one delightful breakfast time--the calm before the storm, and after for that matter.
I've always worked with these lame hours before. I'd show up late and happy to see her cute face asleep, as I'd open the evening beer and watch the news before passing out next to her. I've always done it, I just haven't been able to here.
Zoya, we complain about the same, but we're not the same. I'm in a now-shit-town where it's hard to find anyone with ambition, let alone the ambition to stay here. The guys in your neck are just missing out. For you, I'm sorry for that. Again, I'm drunk. That said, I had the above, I just made a mistake and let her go. She's engaged and rightfully so...the other is engaged as well, and rightfully so. All this said, Zoya, keep it in the back of your mind the ones who fail to make the attempt will pay for it. It won't make you feel better but it's true. Jesus christ it's true.
Wow, hope everyone's week gets better;)
Anna K, right on...especially the last sentence. Sucks, but true.
(just thought of a cooler new thread/forum...the drunk and full of self pity one;))
Mar 13 2007, 06:23 AM
eh, doxy, i wouldn't be so hard on yourself. yeah, i know you posted it while drunk, but you know there is always a grain a truth to things. i just don't think those ladies were the ones meant for you. seriously. i know it sounds like i'm ego stroking, but i think i'm just a terrible optimist.
Mar 13 2007, 07:42 AM
a great and funny blog called constant dater
a former co-worker writes y'all might want to check out. ps she links to BUST !
Mar 13 2007, 11:13 AM
Mar 16 2007, 10:24 PM
Do you ever feel angry for wanting a relationship? I know there's occasional bitterness or jealousy and plenty of satisfaction in being alone, but it occurred to me tonight that... I don't know. I sort of resent myself for wanting to dive back into the dating pool. It takes time to heal, and my own impatience is more frustrating than the men I used to be with or the neighbors who look at me with pity when they find out I'm single. I can't imagine putting myself back in a romantic situation when I'm expecting it to be a solution to my insecurities or proof of my own worth. I am enough, and if I'm not, I can't expect to be enough for someone else. Then again, a relationship strikes me as an attractive prospect and I'm infuriated with myself for switching instantly from this fiercely independent woman to, well, a girlfriend. There has to be some middle ground, is there not?
It is virtually impossible to write a paragraph about relationships without toeing some cliches. Please pardon mine.
P.S. NickClick, that was a fun read. Thanks for sharing!
Mar 16 2007, 11:26 PM
i completely understand where you're coming from. i've been on my own for about 5 years now, and although i love the fact that i can take care of myself and don't need a man to depend on, i find that when a man puts himself out there for me or even eludes to the possibility that he might be able to take care of me in a particular situation, i feel the need to make a joke of it! it makes me feel like such a jerk!
and in regards to the relationship sabotage, i get you on that too. when i'm involved with a guy that i'm not completely excited about, i'm cool...and they notice, and think it's great. trouble is, i usually am not feeling the same way about them. however, when i really like someone, i do everything wrong. i call too often, i want to spend too much time with them...and it usually doesn't work out. i don't know how to reach a middle ground. actually, if only i had the willpower to act around guys that i really dig the same way i act around the guys that i think are just alright....i'd be golden! soooo hard to do though.
Mar 18 2007, 03:38 PM
"Do you ever feel angry for wanting a relationship?" YEEEESSSSS!
I don't understand it. I should feel totally happy on my own. I'm well-read and cultured, I'm athletic, I have a good job, loving family, awsome apartment, cool friends, creative talent, unique interests, the best cat in the world.....why do I NEED to add a boyfriend to the list? WHY??!!???
"if only i had the willpower to act around guys that i really dig the same way i act around the guys that i think are just alright....i'd be golden!" Word jkat, word.
Mar 18 2007, 05:47 PM
why add a boyfriend to the list? i think it's a combination of a lot of things. firstly, the companionship.. there is no shame in wanting to share your life, your experiences, your thoughts with someone who values and appreciates you. secondly, greenbean, you seem to want the best for yourself. you live very idealistically, and typically that includes having a significant other.
i think it makes us angry to want a relationship because we know that it is part of the conditioning we seem to challenge. why? why have a relationship? i dont need a man to complete me or fulfill me. but there comes a time when the rebellion can be self defeating.. there are some aspects of life that may appear weak or submissive, but when looked at from another perspective, are actually pretty acceptable. we are all working from our own experiences, from our beliefs, our value systems.. but i think it's important to remember that they are not Absolute. it is simply what we know.
it's the same thing as wanting 'happiness'. what is happiness? why should i want it, just because it's what everyone wants? but it all essentially comes down to what we want from life, how we choose to live. if you want a relationship, i would say stop looking at it for what you think it is, look at it differently. what does that mean to you, really. what would a relationship provide for you, not to supplement something that is lacking, but to add to what is already there.
Mar 18 2007, 07:07 PM
Thanks knorl, your post made me feel better! Especially the part about how wanting a relationship is not necessarily trying to supplement something thats lacking.
I think the desire to share is very strong in me. Just today I was having breakfast by myself at a lovely cafe I discovered. I had a pleasant enough time with my coffee and book,..but I couldn't help but think, "gee, wouldn't it be nice to share this spot with someone special?"
Having a boyfriend also provides a safety net. Like, you know hes there, so you feel comfortable in the fact that when you are alone you really arent "alone". Back when I was in a long term relationship I always craved alone time. Even on Friday nights, if the creative mood hit, I would cancel dates with my boyfriend so I could stay in and paint. Now with all the time to paint in the world I hardly ever do, especially on Friday nights! What was once an escape now seems just plain lonely.
Mar 18 2007, 08:19 PM
aw greenbean, that makes me happy. i totally understand the desire to share.. and being an artist, i'm sure that is also one of the motivators behind creating your art. i know for myself, anytime i am moved by something that is breathtaking, emotional, or deep i want to look around and see if anyone else sees it. i want others to experience those feelings, because they are good feelings. i want to recreate, or express, what i am seeing or feeling to include others so that it doesnt feel so isolated or lonely.
so my point, perhaps being in a relationship.. the feelings and experiences that come with a relationship.. is in someway your muse. relationships are beautiful things, they give you the opportunity to learn and grow with someone you choose to be intimate with. but they can also be the source of frustration, aggravation, and misunderstanding, which can be the catalyst for some very complex emotions and problems. and again, being an artist, i'm sure you know the value of these dark feelings. and perhaps the solitude you would seek from the relationship was simply a way to get back to you.. to establish and remember yourself in the relationship. and now that you no longer have that contrast, maybe you are just bored and uninspired.
Mar 18 2007, 09:29 PM
wow. i've loved everything you have said knorl. beautiful. your words have inspired me. especially as i use this time being single to discover what i really want out of a relationship. thank you.
Mar 19 2007, 08:45 AM
yes, well put knorl. i had for a long time thought i'd never wanted to marry or have children, it seemed too common or needy. but when i saw why i had these thoughts - my mom always wanting me to find someone to 'take care of me' while i was taking care of myself just fine, thank you! - and reevaluated what i wanted in the future, i realized my relationships can be however i create them. sometimes my bf takes care of me, sometimes i take care of him, but we also encourage each other and learn from each other. besides sharing things we like, i'm learning and doing new things. but we certainly got into the relationship with the expectation that we'll need time for ourselves and time with other people. we're not the one and only source of company for each other.
Mar 19 2007, 11:20 AM
that means the world, stargazer
nickclick, exactly. that's what i've learned too. is that i think we fight/fought it because of the predetermined dynamic of man being the provider (etc).. which is just bullshit. that is not how i want to live my life, as some voiceless, mindless object being 'kept' by her owner. i think some of us maybe fear that a relationship will be the death of our Selves, it will lock us into being something or someone we are not entirely comfortable to be. but as with anything in life, you've just got to go out there and try. it fails, learning experience.. it works, great!
Mar 19 2007, 04:25 PM
what you said knorl make me think of the song polyester bride by liz phair. damn, she wrote great songs for single women.
Mar 20 2007, 08:39 PM
listened to the song, read the lyrics. i liked it. i especially relate to ani defranco when it comes to lyrics and relationships tho! but liz has got some good stuff too.
Mar 20 2007, 11:04 PM
Fucking art school! Three-quarters of my classmates are women, and half the men are gay. Of the rest, the cute, eligible ones are probably up to their necks in pussy!
Mar 21 2007, 08:34 AM
I had a dream last night that I met a great guy and we were having so much fun.
No real prospects in real life though. Phooey.
Mar 21 2007, 07:39 PM
OMG edie, triple word on art school! I'm in a class right now that is 100% women. At first I was like, "Oh how wonderful! We'll be like sisters in art, and no boys to annoy us." but then it turned into "Who am I kinding? I signed up for this class to meet boys."
Mar 23 2007, 12:39 AM
QUOTE(knorl05 @ Mar 18 2007, 09:36 PM)
perhaps the solitude you would seek from the relationship was simply a way to get back to you.. to establish and remember yourself in the relationship. and now that you no longer have that contrast, maybe you are just bored and uninspired.
I think all of your posts covered the sentiment thoroughly, Knorl! Greenbean, thanks for responding.
There IS a cultural conditioning that I feel myself resisting; I find myself correcting my friends when they see their single status as some sort of punishment for a crime they didn't commit. Springtime's especially cruel, when people are pairing up like rabbits and you're trying to establish yourself as a lone bunny. At the same time, there is a need for companionship, creativity, etc., and it's hard to call it quits with someone when you have one but not the other. There's also a strange appreciation for oneself within a (good) relationship - the desire to cancel a date to paint alone on a Friday night, Greenbean's example, or the desire to take up the other half of the bed. Maybe the grass is always greener.
Man! Painting alone on a Friday sounds great! Maybe I'll try that tomorrow. I've taken up puddle-wallowing lately, and spending whole afternoons in the library. I used to take myself out on a date once a week - as long as you have a new place to look forward to, and a new experience, you usually don't miss the company. Perhaps we can share strategies we've used to keep our relationships (with ourselves!) fresh...?
Mar 23 2007, 10:10 AM
ella, i love the myself-date! shopping with a boy or any of my friends annoys me usually, so i'll dawdle around the mall solo, loving just trying on new clothes and shoes, nobody cramming in their opinions. i also like the fast-food lunch date, reading a mag and eating some taco bell in my car, not feeling gross in the slightest, and not telling anyone, it's like my own little dirty secret.
gawd, i saywnd so joisey! all mawls and fyast food!
Mar 23 2007, 01:28 PM
self dates: i have discovered that i like either getting a little dressed up and taking myself out to dinner in the middle of the week (not a date night), or cooking myself a nice dinner to have with the perfect bottle of wine, and a movie at home, esp on a friday when i've been working all week. also, if there's a show (musical, theater, even small venue concert) that i want to see that no one i know wants to see or is unable to make the date, i will take myself, enjoy a drink or two and the show, then go home or walk around (depending on location and weather). museums are also good dates to take yourself on - i don't personally know many people who enjoy museums. getting my nails done or a massage - also good self date.
Mar 23 2007, 06:44 PM
Ooooh dating myself. I know it all too well!
I used to go to indie movie theaters by myself all the time...until the last time I did a lone man sat near me and made me feel uncomfortable (the theater was dead, he couldnt sit in the empty row infront of me?).
Nick, I'm with you. I can only shop alone, especailly record shopping. If I'm with someone who doesnt appreciate music as much they'll try to get me out under an hour (under an hour, the nerve!!) On the flip side if they are record junkies like myself then theres the problem of fighting over rare finds (damn DB for snagging that Shocking Blue vinyl!!! I'll curse him tell the day he expires!!)
I'll tell you what tho, last week I decided to take a nice walk to the local old man bar for a gin and tonic. There was another lone girl at the bar and we started chatting. She looked awful familiar and when I told her this, she said "maybe you've seen my band". Then it hit me that she was in a band that I adored in high school. Out of respect for her I wont say what band (actually shes been in a few bands, done solo stuff, and recently joined a famous band) cuz I'm certain many Busties are familiar with her. Anyway, this meeting would have been very cool except she was WASTED and pouring her guts out to me, ...saying that shes convinced shes never gonna find love, be alone forever, spend all her nights solo in dive bars, blah blah blah. Man! It was depressing.
Mar 25 2007, 03:55 PM
i love it. you women are phenomenal. i guess i dont date myself for the simple fear that i will look like a loner, but that should not matter on any level.
that band dude, we'll call him j. too passive not enough angst for me. he's very new age, which is my language, but too far into it for me. he says he wont hurt me, and most likely he'll be able to help me. i can appreciate that, but it still pisses me off. i do not need saving or helping or any of that. yes i am complex, but if you were really aware of who i am, you would see that i am doing what i need to do to take care of myself. i am doing just fine on my own, i dont need to you to come along and make everything better! if he cant see that, then he cant see me, and i dont want to deal with him anyway.
i think the reason we women are single is not because we couldnt be in a relationship if we wanted to be, but because we cant seem to find men who fulfill what we want. i also think its important we define what we would like in a significant other.
Mar 25 2007, 08:27 PM
So much marvelous self-dating! And support! You are phenomenal, Knorl.
Also, I'm sure there's something to what you've just said. It's not the only reason women are single, but I'm sure it's a common one. Having standards - even better, sticking to them - is a signature of strong women (such as the ones on this board).
I agree too that there's no saving to be had. It's a little "Not A Pretty Girl" by Ani Difranco, is it not? I just want someone who's kind to strangers and intelligent enough to challenge me on a daily basis. I don't feel desperate for a relationship, but the corners of my eyes are open to inspiration. What are you each looking for, in your peripheral vision or otherwise?
Mar 26 2007, 06:06 AM
QUOTE(greenbean @ Mar 18 2007, 04:55 PM)
"Do you ever feel angry for wanting a relationship?" YEEEESSSSS!
I don't post in here often, mostly b/c I Bust while I am at work and my time is limited some days. But today, I just had to be here. I had another
date last night. This one from the Alternet personals. I guess I shouldn't make it sound like I have been juggling so many dates as this is really my first one since Novemeber? October? Personal illness kept me off the scene for awhile. Anyway, it was the way they have all gone, good chemistry over the phone and email, zero in person. I am beginning to think that the whole "Let's talk a little before we meet" is a waste of time. It seems to have no realtion to the person that I meet.
I am so tired
of being single. I have been on my own for a long time. I'm good at it. The idea of a self-date is nothing new to me. If I wasn't romancing myself, I know for damn sure no one will be. It's everything. Sex is too complex for me to be casual about it. I am possibly the most celibate of the Busties, now or ever (wow, how high school do I sound?) I just wnat someone there after a long day at work, or someone whom I want to take care of as well.
I know that I am whining, but it is so early in the morning and I could not sleep more than 5 hours last night and Iam tired and crabby about everything.
Thanks for listening.
Mar 26 2007, 05:41 PM
((kittenb)) Whining is just a sign of frustration, and its perfectly welcome in the frustrated thread!
"What are you each looking for, in your peripheral vision or otherwise?"
Chemistry. I would say "plain and simple", but it isnt so. I've dated plenty of good-on-paper guys who were plenty willing to be my boyfriend, but I couldn't stick around cuz the chemistry lacked. Conversely, I've had amazing chemistry with some guys and it didn't work out cuz of one roadblock or another.
Science is amazing, the whole phermone thing. The current guy I'm smitten with has a smell to him that I cant get enough of. Everytime I see him I want to sniff him up like a puppy! Its more important than looks I think.
Mar 26 2007, 07:03 PM
I really like the Neko Case line "I leave the party at 3am/ alone thank God." I can relate.
I also recall reading an interview where she talked about her daily life saying something along the lines of "I just drive my car and hang out with my dog, because I don't have a boyfriend." I liked that because I got the impression that she was saying that it's okay to voice a little frustration (although I think her remark was more wry than self-pitying), but also that you can do awesome things while single. Yeah, hang out with your dog and drive your car, and also make music and do art and tour and be free (of course you can do those things while coupled- but it becomes harder). I don't know what her relationship status is now, but I've always thought of her as a single woman I can really admire.
Yes, chemistry is a big one. But I've realized that I also need to admire and respect the way that person leads their life- honour, loyalty, bravery, and all of that. That, with chemistry (chemistry of all kinds- sexual, intellectual, emotional), is the ideal thing. And waiting for the ideal thing is why I don't want to settle and possibly miss that.
Mar 26 2007, 10:29 PM
Edie, that's great! I'd like to think being single is a step toward self-fulfillment (and much-needed dog time).
I still feel like our culture is too focused on love bringing meaning to everything. We can't put all our eggs in one basket, eh? But it's a struggle to find something beyond that - I'd like to think my life could have a greater meaning than what I find in one other person. Even if that one person is myself. Herein lies a paradox.
If any of you figure out this meaning of life business, let us all know first thing, 'kay?
Greenbean, I agree with you about scent. And it's more lasting than looks, anyhow. It lingers on pillows and sweatshirts.
KittenB, feel better. And all of you Busties who are dating now! ((hugs for all))
[I've posted so much! Sorry for hogging the board!]
Mar 27 2007, 01:26 PM
I Gotta admit, there is a lot to be said for having time on your own, for some reason, in certain aspects of my life I "get more done" when single. On the other hand, I also tend to wallow a little in semi-self-pity and get buggerall done. When I am in a relationship, the same is true, some things get done on a FLASH, and others get in the job-jar and knda stay there...weird that.
Scent you say, now there I am in 100% agreement, sometimes I could lie next to a girl, and take looooong whiffs of the nape of her neck, not SNIFFS, but those slow, deep inhalations that induce an almost high-like state, you know, the ones when you are wide-awake, but cannot open your eyes....definately some science/hormone activity going on there. This is why it is a good idea to rid your home of any scent-leaving apparel that could 'remind' you and have you glancing at your phone...
Enough rambling from my side.....
Oh, did I say I miss har at any point?
ETA Ella, I hear you on the social decree that says love is the be all and end all, but at the end of the day, its pre-programmed into the human psyche, that we are supposed to find our equal opposite, ...and that helps add more confusion. Slave to the life, just another slave..