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bettieblank
Moonpieluv, have strated to feel the same about moving. At first i was nervous about it, but now It is a place to almost start over. There will be a new batch of men and I wont be connected to them in any way. I live in a very small state and you always know someone through someone. I think it is wise to be cautious with the almost newly divorced man. I dont have anything else to say about that, I just think it is a good idea for all of the resons you say.
zoya
I haven't posted in here for awhile..so here goes... wink.gif

Stargazer, I hear you. Along the lines of a woman who takes care of herself...I totally want a relationship - I've done a lot in my career for myself, but the job I have right now, with all the travel and weird hours, etc. is just not condusive to having a relationship. I see other people in my line of work do it, but it seems that the guys I'm meeting, though they're great - attentive, intelligent, fun, available, etc.. are not ready to be in a relationship (not by my decision, they're actually telling me they're not) and not into doing the work it will take to even see if they might be into taking steps toward a relationship, under the parameters of my lifestyle. I know it could be said that I just haven't met the right guy, but it happens so often that I'm starting to see that it may be ME that needs to make the change if I want a relationship.

What I'm saying is that I AM starting to meet the kind of guys I want to meet. It's just becoming apparent that my lifestyle (which is tied into my work) is not condusive to having a relationship with the kind of guys I want to meet.

Also, because of my line of work, I meet guys who are from all over the world - which doesn't phase me at all, LDR's are fine with me as long as there is a solid plan to be together at some point. Add to that the fact that I've always wanted to live somewhere else - another country even.. I've realized recently that there's been this part of me that has just kinda figured I'd meet a guy and end up where he is. That the guy would kinda be the catalyst for me getting my ass out and ending up somewhere else.

I'm starting to realize that what really needs to happen is that I need to follow my goals myself, move somewhere, and then meet the guy. ...That the whole romantic fairy tale thing of meeting the guy and being swept to some far off land is just not gonna happen for me. I know that is like a huge feminist transgression right there, but I really have just realized that deep down, that's what I've been hoping would happen when I meet the guys I meet.

So I'm kinda at the point where I'm looking at where I want to be, and starting to pursue the work in that place which will give me a more solid lifestyle and figuring that the relationship will happen at some point. At the very least I will have put myself where I want to be, without having had someone else just decide for me by default. I already know where I want to be and what I want to do, it's just moving toward that and getting there.

I, too want a relationship NOW.. and I need to exercise patience, too. That's what kinda blew a sort of play it by ear, but really really great thing, with a guy I met a few months ago, out of the water. Overall, things were going good. We weren't mutually exclusive, but we weren't seeing anyone else either, it was just kinda going along. I just lept in way too soon and said I wanted to pursue a relationship, and I think really freaked him out - to the point of complete retraction. If I'd just had some patience, I think everything would have been fine, and continued moving along. (although I did get to find out that part of the reason he didn't want to pursue a relationship was that because of our lifestyles (we are in the same line of work) we didn't know when we'd see each other next, and it is really difficult to make plans. So that aforementioned lifestyle thing jumping up and biting me in the ass yet again...)
stargazer
yeah, i hear you zoya. i was talking with another professional single woman at a conference and we were both saying how we need to find a man who is understanding of our work. we need a man who is supportive of our career. we don't need a man to take care of us financially, but we need a man who will care for us. make sense?

i'm my own leader. and i don't see myself settling where a man is. i want to move back to chicago. my family is here. and if i'm having the kids, then he is gonna have to move where i can get support from my folks. that is one thing i'm not willing to back down from. and i think it is good to know what you want and don't want. it really cuts down half of the population with the whole dating thing. which is good. i can scope out the serious contenders.

i was never the type to date someone mediocre. i'm either pursuing a relationship with you or it's just not happening. not to sound harsh, but i've put alot of time and effort into myself (therapy) and my career (school, conferences) so he better be able to do the work to meet me halfway. i'm mature enough to accept someone and i know i deserve the same in return. i know i'm not the type to just follow any man. really.

oh, and zoya, i'm sure patience is part of the thing to work on, but i kinda think that "that relationship" or whatever it was with that guy just ran its course. i'm sure you had a role in it, but i don't think you should take the blame for things. i just don't think it was meant to happen with him. but, that is just me.
anna k
I wouldn't know how to handle a relationship. I've never had a boyfriend and never felt used to being that romantically close to someone. I've dated from time and time and liked guys casually, but didn't have the urge to make it really serious, it was just playing around. My life is busy with moving and jobs, and I don't have the patience for a relationship or hanging out several times with a dull guy who says "That's funny" to whatever I say and is a lame dude. I prefer seeing men as interesting people to talk to and hang out with, not to push sex as a thing to do unless I am truly attracted to them, not just touching various guys as a way to increase my number. I feel good when I go out to places alone and interact with various guys in a friendly, inviting way, I'm not much of a flirt or overtly sexy girl.
erinjane
QUOTE(stargazer @ Jun 14 2007, 10:27 AM) *
i was never the type to date someone mediocre. i'm either pursuing a relationship with you or it's just not happening. not to sound harsh, but i've put alot of time and effort into myself (therapy) and my career (school, conferences) so he better be able to do the work to meet me halfway. i'm mature enough to accept someone and i know i deserve the same in return. i know i'm not the type to just follow any man. really.


This is exactly the way I am. I'm looking for someone I can connect with for a lasting relationship, and if I don't get that vibe soon on, then forget it, it's just not worth it to me, and I don't want to have to worry about babysitting someone who's not at the same level as me.
samiam
I just want someone to help with the goddamn chores, you know? Just getting things done is getting tedious, and I am sick of partnered friends not understanding that when I need to stay home on a Sunday to get things done, I really can't just "blow it off" because _no one_ else is ever going to do it!

Been frustrated today trying to get things done that require more physical strength than I really have.
sassygrrl
QUOTE(samiam @ Jun 14 2007, 08:59 PM) *
I just want someone to help with the goddamn chores, you know? Just getting things done is getting tedious, and I am sick of partnered friends not understanding that when I need to stay home on a Sunday to get things done, I really can't just "blow it off" because _no one_ else is ever going to do it!

Been frustrated today trying to get things done that require more physical strength than I really have.



Okay, sometimes I still feel like a single person in a committed relationship which is weird. But, it's very hard being with someone who has such intense baggage from a divorce. And, now it's really showing it's ugly face.

He seems to want to stay in Georgia for another 2 years, and I just can't take that. I loathe it here now. I just wanted him to say, well if you go out west, so will I. He didn't really seem to care. Which pissed me off even more. And I sure as hell am not going to stay here just for some bloke. That's just dumb. Yet, moving costs money..and money neither of us have right now... a need a cool fairy godmother that tells me that I have a job waiting for me and a cool loft and german shepherd puppy, and if Mcgeek doesn't work out..an hot guy that reads and watchs great movies... tongue.gif


I just want someone that feels passionate about me. But, I'm such a damn hopeless romantic. It's hard to figure out when an IT guy is being romantic no? I just don't want someone that is giving me less. I want more. Because, what the fuck's the point. Life's too short to be in a bad relationship.




Moonpieluv
Sassy, erin---- I wholeheartedly agree/concur with what you are saying. It's just not friggin worth wasting our time with someone that doesn't coincide with our needs. If you've experienced anything like me, I have long given too much energy to guys who couldn't provide me with the intimacy, maturity, passion, partnership, consideration I needed. Silly thing is... I wasn't asking for much. and settled for whatever I could get out of him. Poop on that!!!! I've since been reconstructing my self-confidence that I can in fact happen upon someone who will "fit the bill", someone I can use my love of vocabulary and varied activities.... someone who has the intuition to notice what I may need before I even do at times. Dern it.... i have no unaccomplishable goals in this matter. My standards do need to be higher.

I'd rather just get my ducks in a row first. But, ((Samiam)) it does suck when you have to carry or put together or whatever something that would be helpful with a second person, male or female, around. Doing chores does take a lot longer... but look at it this way... it's mainly your own germs you're cleaning from the toilet...and that ring around the shower...

PLEA FOR REASSURANCE: *As an experiment* in my quest in strengthening my self-confidence, acceptance of my past and who I am, self-worth blah blah.... I have a date with a guy tomorrow who has quite the impressive "life" resume, will be attending an Ivy League in the Fall, and seems well-off and with-it on his very own.

I did some things differently after college (i.e. didn't go straight into a professional job) and I feel I'm way behind in the financially and educationally stable dept. (not lacking in cultural experiences however)... I feel intimidated. He seems to come from a wealthy well-to-do family whereas mine is a very southern.. father pulled himself up by the bootstraps out of near poverty and got thru college...etc.
So the socio-economic thing kinda makes me nervous. fear of rejection. sigh.

I know that I have something to bring to the table... my confidence is just a little wobbly cause I feel like I've only dated losers.

help. unsure.gif
nickclick
moonpie, you'll be fine! you're obviously smart and fun. and he obviously wants to go out with you!

but i hear ya on that worry. mr.nick is from a richy-rich town and he has a doctorate. (so actually, he's dr.nick!) i'm from a dirty shore town and have a bachelor's. i was worried at first too. but he said he was also worried i'd think he was pretentious or snooty. appearances aren't everything. his family's just as middle class as mine. his lawyer friends are just as dorky as my office job friends.
Muffy
Moonpieluv,
I say if he wanted to go out on a date with you, you've already got his interest... if he the right guy or at least a nice one he won't care about how much money you have.
good luck!
stargazer
good luck moonpieluv!! tell us how it went!!
Moonpieluv
Thanks for the support, my dears! I'm nervous and giving myself pep talks---cause he seems more goody-goody, and although I'm kind-hearted and sweet and smart and what not, I have been little wildcat in the past. Hopefully those little details won't be a deterrent.

We did speak on the phone last night and our conversation was really quite fluid... hard to tell if he was judging... He starts school soon and is going to Europe July 1st... so I think this just a fun little thing for him.

Also, He could turn out to be totally cocky, or superficial.... I don't know and that's okay. I'm going to try it out and see, with all the confidence my little artsy-fartsy self can muster. I see this as an opportunity to learn about myself, accept myself and present it as human, varied, well-rounded, and well.... ME. If it doesn't work out, at least, I've broken the ice with go-getter dewds as opposed to '77 punk icon wannabe's. Or, ((Nick)), better yet.... TOY's R US kids!! haha. New territory takes practice, right?

ahem.... this is an online dating situation and yes, we are meeting in a public place. a quaint frenchy restaurant to be exact.

(butterflies) (pep talks)

thanks again!!!
Moonpieluv
Update y'all:

Why I worry myself over myself and pretty much everything... I don't know.
So this guy...

I knew within the first two minutes that there just wasn't any romantic chemistry...
And come to find out, I think I intimidated him! He feels like he hasn't experienced enough in his life because he went straight into a professional job... following the "correct" path his parents instilled in him. And his job that seemed so neato and what-not really wasn't as interesting as what I made it out to be....

I think our only point of reference or what we had in common was music. Other than that, I've just seen and done a lot more things, more well-rounded, that is.... and I think that's what he's trying to do now whereas I'm ready to settle it down a bit (in terms of partying,etc.).

So the experiment worked and I learned from it. Now I have a new friend as a collegiate resource.

Other news and rants:

The recently divorced dewd is just so damn awesome. This sucks. We get along so well, have lots of things in common, genuinely like each other. He makes me feel good about myself... But we have this sneaky sneaky thing and I hate it! This town is so damn small and makes assumptions and over-exaggerates the facts... gossipy. that I don't see how we are to play this cool. I went out last night and was sent this hilarious pix/audio clip text, which couldn't be muffled in the car with them. When asked who is was from and I said my friend (insert).... damn. I had had a few beverages of course and let it slip (which is stupid within itself cause there really shouldn't be anything wrong with him being my friend but as I said... people make assumptions and talk).

I'm frustrated because all my friends are in relationships. and I'm the odd man out, or at least, that's how they make (or allow myself) me feel sometimes. And I hate this sketchy business...but I dig him.

I know what I gotta do. i'm just frustrated.

stargazer
oh rats, moonpieluv. you know what? sometimes, i wonder if i build more into things than there really are there. expectations are a bitch. and the disappointment sucks even more.

i hear your frustrations though. it is hard to keep a brave face of "i love being single" and not wanting to sound whiny about "i want a relationship." but, truth be told, i don't really have time for one right now...i'm moving in a couple of months. and as the time moves on, for me, i'm getting ok with that choice. oh well. just taking time for myself.

so, moonpieluv, cause of his divorce...you can't let anyone know you are dating?? i'm confused. it sucks to have to keep things so private.
Moonpieluv
Hey star... I know. I know. I wasn't really expecting it to be "the one" situation honestly. But it proved to be a great experiment with online dating, as well as a test of how physical chemistry works. Funny how you can tell these things within the first two minutes. It's all too weird. But I bought some great tunes, had a nice light lunch with mimosa, and met a new friend with almost unlimited access to grad. school info.

I also think the date further proved that my self-esteem/self-worth is in fact improving, but perhaps still a little wibbly-wobbly right now. My mom (my bestest confidante) says I'm in a state of metamorphoses and will hopefully emerge a butterfly. My aunt says that if I just sit still, stay calm, and be happy that way... eventually a butterfly (a good man) will land on my shoulder. What's up with the butterfly metaphors? Well, I am southern and I do love Dolly Parton.

I guess I'm trying to focus on self-love more so than anything. With that means a more tranquil state of being, making sure not to come off as boastful (which indicates insecurity or is miscontrued for self-confidence at times), and doing what I can to make myself happy, feel like a better person everyday. That's the only sure-fire way to let go of frustration, i think. I truly don't think I've reached that level of self-love enough to take on a full-blown relationship.

As for mr. div, yeah... my dumb-ass town is chalk full of blabber mouth hypocrites. I'm not ready to let anyone know that we are officially dating, that is, my closest friends know but.... dunt dun dahhhhh, hmmm? could it be because I DON'T want a relationship if we are sneaky sneak? herr... my roomie had expressed his distaste of our potentially dating a while back when he came to our house for an after-party cocktail. Now, in the three times we have hung out (not in our "hood") he drops me off around the corner so my blabby roomie won't see. He has actually revealed me to his bestest friends in the whole world by inviting me over to their cocktail hour. They welcomed me and told me how he must really dig me cause he hasn't done that with his other dates. Anyways, My friends have their strong points and claim how non-judgmental and "family" they are, but I feel like I'm in friggin high school or something. ugh. And I mainly fear that I'm setting myself up as a rebound, the bridge relationship, ya know?
Peggy-in-FL
How do you attract men?
Muffy
Peggy-in-FL, I find that being interested in women seems to make men want me more... so I guess acting like you don't give a two shits if they pay attention works though, that seems like really bad advice and I'm not so sure I recommend it.
Have you thought about joining something in your community where you can meet other people that enjoy the same things as you? just a thought.
rossa_b
Hello Busties – I haven’t been on here in so long. After spending ½ an hour trying to retrieve my password I finally said screw it and set up another account. So, now I’m really frustrated. GRR.

Believe me I have a lot of frustration. I wanted to catch up on all the postings before I sat down & wrote. I have to say, I can relate to sooo many of you and feel your frustration! I haven’t seen Kittenb post in awhile – I thought what you said “I just think that the honest desire to share and give and not just take is something that makes all of us in this thread frustrated singles. Far too many people are willing to take and too many people give to those people and are taken advantage of.” Is so true!

I’ve never been in a real relationship, (I understand Anna_K) I have a lot of trust issues. When I was in my 20’s I dated a lot, and I’ve only had 2 lover-a’s I’ve concentrated so hard on work, and school, and work and work. That my love life always took the backseat or I should say “lack of” love life. Either way, it was not my priority. I’ve seen so many women lose their selves in the obsession of finding someone that they end up losing themselves, especially when they’ve finally nabbed a guy. At any rate, I don’t want this to end up a very long rant – b/c it will be. But it’s late and I want to sleep.

Well – it’s easy to meet a guy – but to meet a man? Where have all the good men gone? I just moved back to the mid-west, and after a very long year of family trauma, I’m finally reflecting on myself. Things are calmer for me family & work wise (not doing what I really want – but it pays the bills) and all the friends I had are off and married. And before you freak out before I mention this – I did have one encounter with a guy briefly but no sex – he lived 3000 miles away, so why bother I thought. I didn’t want to get emotionally attached. Which I did. But he wanted to be saved – and I couldn’t do that. I wasn’t his mother! Anyway…5 years ladies!!!!! 5 years!!!! OMG. It’s been 5 years since I’ve had sex with a guy. My close friends know this and think nothing of it, they say I’ll find someone. And to keep my standards. But I’m not gross; I don’t have a hump on my back. I’ve been told I’m intimidating (by guys) but funny and cute. So WTF? What is a girl to do? I’ve tried the online thing but it seems they are only looking to get laid. I’m 32. Over the bar scene and the mind games. UGGGGG!!!

Any advice?

Ps. don’t feel bad for me, yes 5 years is a long time – but if I really wanted to get laid – I’m sure I could have gone to some bar. But it’s more than that. I feel I’m missing out on something that everyone else is experiencing but for whatever reason I’m inept on grasping.
Muffy
rossa_b, Its okay its been years since I've had sex. I agree. I want quality over the first person who'll take off their pants. Though like you, there are days when I feel like I'm missing something by being single and not ever really having a long lasting relationship even at 30... Most of my friends are in relationships so I tend to feel like the odd girl out.

I think we if we knew the true 'secret' to meeting people we probably be here bitching about being single. I wish I could offer you some good advice.

stargazer
rossa, yeah i've been told that i'm intimidating by men, but i don't really focus on it too much anymore. i know the person i am and i don't take that statement to be a negative reflection of who i am.

i'm sorry, but i don't have the answers either. or any advice. i just figured that i will meet someone when i meet him. it doesn't make sense to frustrate myself over being single.
rossa_b
Thanks Stargazer & Muffy - I don't know if I should of said “any advice?" b/c @ this point - what advice can anyone give me that I don't already know? But I thank you for the words - it's just refreshing to know that other ladies go thru the same thing...granted maybe not as long tongue.gif but we all feel the pain. I was hanging out with my Auntie for the 4th of July, and she’s single, she was married young but the guy cheated on her, her 2nd marriage was a joke - as she puts it. And although she "dated" this one guy for like 15 years - (on again off again) he didn't know what he wanted. (I guess his seeing someone else now) And his like 60! So, I guess men never grow up. My point being, she's happy and single. At least I hope that is true. She’s a confident strong minded very opinionated woman, and I love her to death! And if men are intimidated by those characteristics, then I'd rather be single and frustrated. (@ least I’ll keep telling myself that)

Thanks again ladies -
xexyz
*deep breath*

So I finally got enough guts to create a profile on okcupid. We'll see how that goes. unsure.gif
stargazer
good luck xexyz! there used to be an online dating thread here... let us know how it goes.

rossa, i *think* the frustration part of being single is when you have other people (family, friends, coworkers...heck, even strangers) telling you how great you are and don't see a problem with why you wouldn't get dates. and here you are, um, single, thinking "if i'm considered a catch, then why am i not in a relationship." and trust me, those thoughts come and go for me often, but i just keep going along. keep doing your thing!
Muffy
xexyz, goooood luck, I've met a few people off of OkCupid who were well, okay... I just met someone who seems like at least a fun summer fling, we'll see...
I hope your luck is better than mine.
erinjane
My 10 month dry spell (and I do mean DRY - no so much as a date, kiss, or innocent fliration) may have an end in sight at last. Let's just hope I don't fuck it up.
Muffy
erinjane, goood luck girl!
greenbean
Yeah Erinjane! Tell us about it!

Has anyone seen Broken English with Parker Posey? I saw it the other day (by myself thank gawd, it hit too close to home)..anyway I don't know if it was tragic or hopeful. If you don't know what its about, its another "30-something big city gal has everything but love" kinda movie, but its pretty good and a bit more edgy than other chick flicks. There is a scene where a man says that basically some people settle, and other people keep looking for magic...but that people who hold out for magic don't always find it. Gah. Made me really think about myself being single and if I don't find what I think I'm looking for in say, ten years,.. will I settle or go on being alone?
stargazer
oh GB, i don't know if i could see that movie. unless, i was at home with a tub of ice cream in my jammies. oh, and a bottle of wine. tooo close to home for me. mellow.gif
erinjane
No real news to tell yet. I've liked this guy for a while but haven't made any moves because I've been fairly comfortable being single. We were supposed to hang out a folk music festival last weekend but we never managed to run into each other so when I got home i sent him a facebook message and said i was sorry we missed each other and he should give me a call. He messaged me back to say he had been looking forward to hanging out with me and that we should definately hang out. We have tentative plans but we won't be doing something until next week. I'll keep everyone updated when I know more. tongue.gif
mouse
ok, so what do you do when you reply blind to an ad without a photo, and the guy sounds promising (into the same bands as you, sounds like a smarty pants) and then you get a reply back with a photo and you know immediately that this is someone you will not be into (i.e. not only are you not attracted to him, but in said photo he is also wearing a button-down denim shirt and probably socks with sandals)??? do you just uh, not reply? do you say thanks but no thanks, even though you are the one that replied? or do you suck it up and give him a chance?
kittenb
I normally give him a chance. I belive that men can be taught how to dress, even haircuts and stuff. They just need the love a good (and stylish) woman. How enlightened of me. rolleyes.gif

I swear to go I am so touch deprived right now. I feel like if someone doesn't touch me affectionately soon I may wither up like a dead flower. I know this sounds melodramatic, but I am not sure I am exaggerating. I am worried that people around me are going to start drying out as a result of just being near me. Sometimes I realize just how much of myself I have shut off so that I can get through the day w/o feeling lonely. So when I am on a date, I forget how to be a warm and physical person. Instead I feel like a cold and rigid piece of wood trying to remember what real people behave like. And if one more person tells me to just "be yourself" on a date I will stop talking to people all together.

I know that I sound a little freaked but I watched Notes on a Scandle this week and I am so scared that I am going to become like Judi Dench's character. I don't want to be that mean and lonely. I already have the cats.
stargazer
((((kittenb)))) yeah, i hear ya. don't know what else to say really.

mouse, um, i would say give him a chance. nothing wrong with meeting someone. i guess it is best not to go with any expectations. i guess just do what you feel more comfortable with.
greenbean
Hang in there kittenb!

Stargazer, since I saw that movie in the theater wine was not an option...but I wish it was, especially since Parker Posey is nursing a glass in almost every scene. Its funny, I left the theater in a hurry cuz even though I go to the theater alone often, it was the first time I felt embarrassed...like everyone else was looking at me and thinking "shes like the character in the movie!".

Mouse, tough call. I gave a "bad dresser" a chance once, cuz like the guy you mention he was smart and not clueless about music. Problem was, he was very socially inept and self-conscious, and I couldn't develop feelings for him because of it. So the clothes may represent that...or there's a chance that your dude is super confident and doesnt give a shit about fashion, and if thats the case would you be into him? If the answer no, than I would write back, "no thanks, you aren't my type"..or whatever you feel is kindest.

I've been frustrated with myself these days. I think I must be immature. I've been dating this one boy lately, and its nice. NICE. Thats good right? Problem is there is no drama attached to him. He's available, he's reliable, he lives nearby, and he doesn't play games nor warn me that he's "not looking for anything serious",....so why arent I thrilled? I think there has to be something in the way for courtship to be thrilling, like hes dating someone else or he lives in another country rolleyes.gif

Aaaaarg!! Its immature on my part, right? Or is it that I really should be with someone else? Someone who gives me the shivers when he calls? What the hell!!?!?
snarky7
greenbean - my motto: no boys, just men.

i was dating a boy and all was going well, so i thought...i was enamored - he was fabulous and so nice to me...until i found suspicious messages on his phone (yes, i invaded his privacy...bad me) - turns out she's someone he met during a recent training and that he macked on her. i couldn't deal. so my friends are all saying i needed a MAN anyway, so i guess here's my chance.

my counselor said i should make up a list of everything i want in a MAN, and then when said MAN actually comes along and doesn't meet one of those criterion, that i should be able to come up with a good reason why it is okay....

maybe it will work? or not. time will tell.
Moonpieluv
I have a dilemma, what's new.. right?
With all the weird quarterlife crisis shit that I've endured over the past year... new job, getting over my ex, trying to figure out my career path, living on my own (totally alone) for the first time, etc.... I finally meet a guy that makes me tingle when I speak to him on the phone. We have so much chemistry and I really really like him.

It's not the ideal situation as he's getting out of a divorce and there's a kid involved. I know I KNOW! but I have such a great time with him. He makes me feel good, comforted, cared for... cuddled. I can talk to him about my fears and what not. He's helped get out of jams, lets me do my laundry at his house, likes to cook dinner and watch movies, takes me places that i've been meaning to go and didn't have anyone to go with who cared, etc. It's really nice. I find myself missing him a lot when he's not around.

I haven't had even an inkling of anything like this since I've been living here, or since my ex. I know it seems selfish to indulge given the situation, but damn it... I've been a lonely gal. It's nice to get some support from a really hot MAN with a heart. He's given me hope that there are in fact men out there with these qualities.

(((KittenB)) Touch deprived is right. It's not the sex touch thing. It's the cuddle, the head petting, the hugs, and soft back rubs. It is needed. and it must feel sincere to be effective. We are physical beings with physical needs. Which steers me into the intoxication of hanging with this guy. As for the style of a dude, if you aren't attracted to him initially.....

Anyways....I'm moving in 3 1/2 months to finally try to get my world straight... it's the town where I intend on going to school. It's closer to my family, which hasn't seen me regularly in 3 years. I have professional contacts located there that I can utilize for work, letters of recommendation, and general resource. Kinda like a clean slate to just focus on my goals, choose more supportive or well-rounded friends, live in an academic environment... and it's a college town so more music, culture... it also has a lower cost of living and is around mountains mountains and mountains.

So all signs point to GO! sigh.. I hate to just leave this budding relationship behind. I know I have to talk to him regarding this and I know he'll understand cause he's mature enough to do so. It's just.

Dern it... i do really like him. The timing! It probably wouldn't work out... at least right now. I've got my plans and he's just going with the flow. He knows I've got plans and has told me that I don't have to leave. ergh... a lil' heartbroken-ish.

((Snarky)) Yes, have certian criteria. For me, this awesome guy isn't fulfilling entirely cause of the ex and kid thing. Keeping that in mind makes my move transition a bit easier.
Go for the MAN. Don't sell yourself short. We all know it doesn't work.
kittenb
moonpielove - It sounds like a pretty major situation to get into if you will be leaving it in 3 months. However, if you can keep it casual or aren't afraid of getting hurt, that is a whole different situation. But you don't sound like you want to keepmit casual.
My own fears would keep me from someone who isn't yet divorced. But that is just me.
stargazer
moonpieluv, there is no such thing as a perfect situation. when you mentioned that he was going through a divorce and had a kid, i was like, "so what?" if you feel the man is worth being in a relationship with, then all of that other stuff is just...stuff. my stepdad loved my mom and didn't let the divorce and me, the kid, keep him away from her. they've been together for 22 years now. i think it is great that you are going somewhere that is better for you. and if he does care about you, then he would want to see you be successful and not hold you back. that would be more my concern. not the divorce thing or the kid. but, yeah, i do think you need to have a talk with him about moving.

snarky, i think the list is great for when you are frustrated about attracting a string of not suitable men for you, but i think eventually you need to get rid of that list cause it brings alot of expectations to the next person. it's not fair to them.

although, kittenb has teased me as being very romantic in my ideals. rolleyes.gif

has anyone watched that tv show "confessions of a matchmaker." omg. it is so great. and makes me wonder how i've been on past dates. blink.gif oh, and scared of the possibly of future ones. unsure.gif it is such a great show though.
Moonpieluv
Star-- you're right.... I'm not judging him as bad because he's got the divorce that would be final were the legal fees something the wife could afford (hmm?) and he's got the kid. I just think it would awfully early to really tell if he would even want a full-blown relationship (like let's talk about this as in "you wanna go steady?" kinda thing). I guess I'm on-guard, ya know. Like he'll pull the "ya know, i just wanted to hang out casually thing".

We do need to have talk as to where we stand and the MOVE cause he visited me yesterday at my weekend job and brought his child in to meet me. Just a handshake and the like... nothing like "This is your daddy's girlfriend". Totally new dynamic for me. From what I've been told, he has since ceased to date other people. I don't think he has time to date anyone else considering how much we've been hanging out.

There's a few people whom I spoken with that expressed their concern. but fuck it, I dig him. sigh again.

I got a little sauced on Sat night and got all emotional about liking him so much and the move. Sigh. My heart did get all stirred up. I would totally pursue a more serious relationship with him were I to stay where I am.

He'll understand why I must move to better myself. He's cool. I just know he'll have to stay where he is for his child and that's so understandable! If it's meant to be....

((kittenB)) you're right, too. I was weary to hang out with him for fear of getting hurt or him getting hurt cause I had these plans into action before we started dating. I even told him about the timing and my caution with him being in a divorced situation. I've been dissed before. I just think he's different.
Unless he's playing the hell outta me.

((Snarky)) star's right in that... get that list together, but also be able to tweak or edit. Maybe just keep it to what you really really DON'T want.
snarky7
moonpieluv - wow, the line that caught my attention was the "playing the hell outta me" - is there something that makes you think of that? would you write it if it weren't in the back of your mind? now, if you are like me, you'll doubt everything good and real in your life, including your relationships. but this one sounds fab... can you give him the benefit of the doubt? how far is your move? will you be more than a few hours apart? i can understand your move and his staying reasons, but why can't you make it work if you two are meant to be? heck, my ex in MT is with a gal in PA now. who knows if it will work for them, but yay for them anyway...let them be happy, she can have my bad leftovers (sorry, not for this thread).

but seriously, moonpieluv, if he's introducing you to his child, even in an innocent way, then he wants you to be part of "their" lives, not just his. it's a big deal IMO. don't pass it off as nothing or as him playing you.... i don't think that could be it. be confident that you are in the right place with this relationship, even if for only now.

big THANKS star and moon for your thoughts on my list - i think you are right. the things i do not want shall be the major part of the list. i will rethink at work tomorrow (and subsequently be most productive).

i'll think fond thoughts of you, moonpieluv. enjoy yourself for however long you have with him....
snarky7
moonpieluv - wow, the line that caught my attention was the "playing the hell outta me" - is there something that makes you think of that? would you write it if it weren't in the back of your mind? now, if you are like me, you'll doubt everything good and real in your life, including your relationships. but this one sounds fab... can you give him the benefit of the doubt? how far is your move? will you be more than a few hours apart? i can understand your move and his staying reasons, but why can't you make it work if you two are meant to be? heck, my ex in MT is with a gal in PA now. who knows if it will work for them, but yay for them anyway...let them be happy, she can have my bad leftovers (sorry, not for this thread).

but seriously, moonpieluv, if he's introducing you to his child, even in an innocent way, then he wants you to be part of "their" lives, not just his. it's a big deal IMO. don't pass it off as nothing or as him playing you.... i don't think that could be it. be confident that you are in the right place with this relationship, even if for only now.

big THANKS star and moon for your thoughts on my list - i think you are right. the things i do not want shall be the major part of the list. i will rethink at work tomorrow (and subsequently be most productive).

i'll think fond thoughts of you, moonpieluv. enjoy yourself for however long you have with him....
Moonpieluv
Oh snarky, you are so sweetsy. Thank you for kind words and encouragement. I don't think he's playing me really....

See, we hung out last night. He picked me up at work, let me run an errand, suggested I might as well grab some laundry to do at his place (no w/d at mine), offered up his detergent, took me grocery shopping and paid for all of it practically.... we had pork chops and sweet potatoes! yum! Even got me coffee to perk me up after work.

We listened to this awesome 70's soul love song record while dining... and cuddled for hours. Actually, I got portions 3 times in a row! Wow! and he's about 8 1/2 yrs older than me. He told me how amazingly strikingly beautiful I am... told me he didn't want to go to bed cause that would mean the morning.... He's so damn considerate. He catches on, realizes little things like if he's on the phone too long with someone whom he hasn't spoken to in a long time.... I mean... dang. He made a bet with me that there would be sunshine for us in the morning (He likes the "ain't no sunshine when she's gone" song and the stevie wonder one "easy like a sunday morning"). Romance much!

So no... I don't think I'm getting played. You're right. He wouldn't have brought his child in to visit if he didn't really like me. His friends are inviting us to the theatre. He wants me to come to his dj night and says he'll take me home whenever I want cause he's switching off with his best friend. I mean.... SHEESH!!!

It's been like NEVER that I've been treated this well. I could freaking cry right now and I'm at work!

I didn't have the talk however... we are just so comfy and hot for each other that I just couldn't do it.
I've told a couple of friends and my close close ones tell me no worries... to go for it cause it feels right and good. They also tell me how handsome he is....cause he is. rolleyes.gif My parents, being the white southerners looking out for their girl as they are (but not rascist themselves, trust me), told me not to fall in love,etc. with someone african-american cause I've some really 'redneck' family members.... But, I don't care about that shit at all. They can get over it if this is meant to be!! I hate that I even have to mention it. mad.gif

The move is about 4hours away or less... and we could rendez-vous halfway in a gorgeous mountain town. Once I get wheels, I could do regular weekend trips to visit him when he's not taking care of his little one. Maybe that would give him time to iron out kinks with his ex, be able to step back and objectively look at his life and direction... and me time to focus on getting my finances straight, be close to my family, and pursue my education. I do think he's trying to play it cool, though....but can't help himself to hang with me. I did worry about being the rebound, and he swears I'm not, but what does it matter for now.....

I'll hang with him for as long as I can and enjoy every minute of it. just thinking about him makes all melty headed and ahem... horny. laugh.gif
xexyz
Well, it's been almost a month on OKcupid and I haven't had so much as a conversation with anyone, so it looks like it's time to move on.
anna k
Yeah. I had good conversations with a guy through IM, and we talked about meeting, but I haven't seen him online lately, and I haven't even met him yet, so I can't ask for him phone number. Maybe next time when he's on and we get talking we can set something up.
candycane_girl
Alright, I had avoided this thread in the past because I just moved to Toronto and in my old city I figured there was no point in starting anything since I would be moving. But I'm here now and I have to say, I'm a frustrated single. I'm painfully shy and haven't dated anyone in almost 3 years! My mom keeps saying that it will happen when it happens but I'm just feeling frustrated and yet I don't even know how to take charge! I haven't met anyone yet, but I'm going to an orientation event tonight so who knows. Is it asking too much to want to meet a decent guy now that I'm in university, surrounded by guys?
snow white
((candycane girl))~ ah, i feel you're pain, candy, i really do. i'm painfully shy and haven't dated in over a year! god, it's scary out there...

and i was on the phone w/ my bitchy preggo friend the other day and we were discussing the horrible state of our girlfriends relationship and she says, "god, i'd rather be alone than deal with that crap." whoa, two steps back. i didn't relize being alone was supposed to be a sentance? anyone else get this shit?

(i previously posted my angst in general dating advice but then relized i should be in here instead, *hi busties*)
erinjane
I don't have the problem of being shy, but I'm with you on not finding anyone at university. There is only one guy I have been seriously interested in in the past year. I agree too though that being alone isn't necessarily a bad thing (just check out the "praise of singledom" thread). I really needed this past year to be by myself, and I could probably even use a little more alone time.

Speaking of that One guy, he's the one I was talking about in July. I don't know what the hell is going on with him. He seems interested when we see each other, I'll make a move to get together, things end up in the air, and then we don't end up doing anything. We haven't ended up hanging out 1 on 1 so far because we were both pretty busy and out of the city fairly often over the summer. But now, we'll see each other at a party or a show, talk for a good while, say "hey, let's do something", and it doesn't happen. Last time I saw him we sat and talked for 2 hours or something.

He's seems really nice and down to earth so I'm completely confused. We talk through facebook and I asked how he was doing, and he says, quote, he's looking forward to seeing me, he thinks i'm cool, and that he wants to hang out sometime.

There's a chance I might see him at a show tonight, but I just don't know what the hell is going on. I don't even have anyone else I can move on to crush on.
candycane_girl
snow_white, I've never had anyone say that directly to me but I've heard people talk like that before.

I know there can be a lot of upsides to being single but I've been single for 3 years! Enough, I've had it! I want to find someone!

I know I shouldn't be complaining about having not met anyone at school yet though. Classes don't even start until next week so who knows what'll happen after that. Also, I don't know how attractive I am right now because I am literally covered in mosquito bites that are up in huge red welts. I have 6 on each arm so I wouldn't be surprised if I look like I have some kind of disease or something!
snow white
candy-bug bites, the one down side of summer (well, that and horrible, ugly, painful sun burns). at least you're skin isn't falling off in huge patches (i have the freakiest tan lines ever)

erinjane, i had a situation almost just like yours which followed me through out my college career. every time i'd see this certain guy we'd flirt, have great eye contact and meaningful conversations. eventually we even got around to calling but slipped back into myspace only... now he has a girlfriend and yet i still find the occasional heart felt message in my mail box. which continues to further confuse me. anyway, with guys like this, i really think you need to either take to plunge and ask him out (w/ out actually labelling a "date", you know) or just forget about it. because the boy is sending some major mixed signals. probably he's shy.
erinjane
The thing is, last weekend he said we should watch some movies or something, so I said, "Well what're you doing tonight or tomorrow" and he just never replied. That's no unusual though because he's previously taking days to reply to messages. So now I'm like, geez, I feel like I keep putting myself out there and he's just...I dunno. It's so bizarre because two weeks ago at a party it was pretty much just the two of us talking most of the night.

I have a feeling he's a little bit apprehensive of our age difference, but I don't get the feeling from him that it's a big deal. He's 30 and I'm turning 22 in a month, but our connection seems to be really good anyways. So weird.

Tonight I sent him a message and said he should come to a show I'm going to but I've pretty much promised myself that I'm not putting myself out there anymore. If he wants something to ever happen, it's up to him now. I would say I don't have time for this shit, but in reality, I do. tongue.gif
snow white
yeah, it may be the age difference. there could be a real tug of war going on in this guys head. but he's got to get it together. i think you're right to want to leave it up to him from now on. or i'd say call him on it...like, if he keeps showing interest but pulling back you could just ask him about it. it sounds like you have every right to.
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