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mouse
i just feel like guilty mcjerkface. poor guy. he really needs someone to care about him. but so help me god, it is not going to be me, and man i feel shitty about that.
xexyz
QUOTE(mouse @ Aug 28 2008, 05:32 AM) *
i just feel like guilty mcjerkface. poor guy. he really needs someone to care about him. but so help me god, it is not going to be me, and man i feel shitty about that.


Why are you feeling guilty? If the guy didn't even think highly enough of you to even use basic hygene before showing up for the date then you certainly don't owe him any consideration. It's not like you walked right out after seeing him.
neurotic.nelly
thank you, xexyz, i second that emotion.

eta: mouse, i still think that you are an amazing catch and any person who can't see this or shower properly isn't worth your time.
mouse
well, i mean, i think that this is present in all forms of dating but especially so with online, because it's really hard to tell what the person is like in real life from a few paragraphs and photos, and you already make a verbal connection through exchanging emails. if it doesn't work in person, you just drop what you started. dating via meeting in person first i think usually goes the other way around--first you decided if the person is dateable (attraction, chemistry & all that) and then you start making the communication connection. it just seems harsh to me to immediately drop something like that. i don't know, i don't know much about dating anyway. but i'm learning. i just felt bad because this dude was very sad and i am too empathetic for my own good.
thirtiesgirl
Mouse, I think I can identify a little with how you're feeling about the guy. In my trials with internet dating, I've met several 'hopeless' guys with serious personal issues. They've all been very sweet, and overall very nice guys, but with a lot of issues. I'll share my story with one of them.

I never actually dated this guy, but we spent about a week e-mailing each other, and then spent about 3 weeks talking to each other on the phone nearly every day. From our first phone call, it became apparent that his issues were too deep for me to deal with. And they were obviously too deep for him, too. He was my age, unemployed, and seemingly unable to keep a job. Personally, my guess is that he had undiagnosed and untreated anxiety issues. He lived in the run-down guest house on his mom's property. There was no bathroom, laundry or kitchen in the guest house (basically, it was a one-room hovel), so he spent a lot of time at his mom's house doing laundry, cooking for both of them, etc. As is the case with many people who live in close proximity with their parents, his relationship with his mom had a lot of ups and downs; more downs than ups. He'd often call to talk about their latest argument. It was obvious from his tone of voice on the phone that he was disappointed in himself, but literally didn't seem able to see a way out of it.

In our phone conversations, he was very sweet, told me often he thought I was a great person, he really liked me and valued our contact, and sometimes got tearful on the phone with me. But he was aware enough to know that he had too many issues to really be dateable, while at the same time it was obvious he really wanted a connection with someone. I hated telling him that I didn't feel comfortable dating him until some of his issues were straightened out, but I had to do what was right for me. Eventually, our contact tapered off, and about 6 months later, he called me again to let me know that he was leaving for Seattle for a while to go live with his brother and sister-in-law. He'd had a really big fight with his mom and she'd essentially kicked him off the property, so he felt it was better to get out of town for a while. We said our goodbyes and I didn't hear from him for over a year. When he came back from Seattle, he called me again. He was the same sweet guy as always, back to his same patterns, living in his mom's guest house, no job or prospects on the horizon. He just wanted to call and tell me he was thinking about me, which was very sweet, but just as before, he knew it couldn't go further than that.

Every time he came back into my life and called me, I'd feel bad for weeks about not wanting to date him and not being able to help him. He seemed like such a deserving, but very screwed up guy. But the one thing I've learned in my 17+ years living on my own, and 10+ years as a single woman (occasionally attached or dating) is that there's nothing more powerful than being able to do for yourself - to work on your own problems, make your own way, find your own place to live and turn it into your own personal space. No matter how loving and non-judgmental someone is in helping you accomplish those things, it builds so much more confidence to do it on your own. And that's what I believe this guy needed to do. He needed to find himself a job, something with a health care plan - stocking groceries at the supermarket, trash collecting, flipping burgers at McD's - and then get himself in therapy, get his issues diagnosed and get the right medication to help him work on those issues. From there, he could go wherever he wanted, get some job skills, go back to school, whatever. But he had to take those first steps on his own, and dating me wasn't going to help him do it.
thirtiesgirl
Help me Rhonda. This time *I* need some advice, or words of encouragement...something. I'm not really sure what.

The situation is this: over the past few weeks, the long distance guy and I have finally broached the subject of sex in our phone conversations. Everything he's said indicates he's quite interested in knocking boots with me the next time we get together, which will be in another few weeks on September 20. Our phone convos and e-mails have also become more meaningful in the past few weeks. For example, after our lengthy phone conversation the other night, he e-mailed me the next day to say he was really getting hung up on me in a good way and couldn't wait for our next date. I should add that we've also discussed the subject of casual sex, which we've both ascertained is not what we want. Point being, when we get together on September 20, if we decided to have sex, it's going to be *meaningful* sex, of which I have not partaken in quite some time. Really. A long, long time. Casual booty call sex, yes. Meaningful sex with a guy who's really into me, no.

And I'm kind of starting to freak out about it. Not the sex itself, but the *meaning* attached to it. And what's really not helping me is that we have 3 more weeks before our next date. Three more weeks for this to rattle around in my head and bug the shit out of me. Do I need to explain that I really don't want to be all bugged out when the time comes and be too afraid to take the leap? Or take the leap but shut down my feelings in an effort to 'keep things casual'? Gah! I am becoming so neurotic about this! Has anyone else experienced something similar? And if so, how did you handle it? I really don't want to become a neurotic mess about sex again like I was in my 20s. Back then, I dealt with it by smoking pot. But I'm past that stage now and have learned that stoner sex really isn't much fun. Not to mention, I seriously doubt this guy is even a casual pot smoker, outside of the usual high school experimentation. This is sex without the mood altering substances, and I'm freaked out by how I might react to it.
stargazer
thirtiesgirl, relax and breathe. and breathe again. you are overthinking it waaaaaaaaaay too much. it sounds like things are moving in a good direction. don't let old insecurities get to you.
anna k
I feel so frustrated. I read Craigslist profiles and consider hookups with guys since it's avaliable, but I don't get turned on easily and hate feeling bored or turned off by sex. I don't have any crushes in my life, and I go on dates every few months and will do some meetup group to meet guys, but haven't had a lot of luck. It pisses me off sometimes, because I know I can get turned on, but it doesn't happen often. I considered hooking up with a CL guy for this weekend, but he lives in Staten Island and I live in Queens, and he suggested a hotel to meet at, and it just felt shady and creepy to me.

Tonight I felt good in an exercise class because the instructor was a sexy young guy who would correct me on my form by touching me and saying how well I was doing. It made me feel happy and excited. I also felt sexy this week by being in my dance class and lounging around my apartment in a new tank top I bought.

I just wish I had guys in my life who I was friends with and meet other guys through them, the normal thing. Instead, I live alone, have worked various jobs, have sex or date occasionally, hang out with friends when time's avaliable, and feel like a nerdy prude.

I am going to go out with a guy Friday night, but he's not someone who I'm really into, more of a nerdy gamer. But I wanted to give him a chance, and I haven't dated in a while.
thirtiesgirl
QUOTE(stargazer @ Sep 2 2008, 08:26 PM) *
thirtiesgirl, relax and breathe. and breathe again. you are overthinking it waaaaaaaaaay too much. it sounds like things are moving in a good direction. don't let old insecurities get to you.

I know... overthinking: it's what I do. He is a long distance connection, though, which is going to make things more difficult if I start feeling attached. That's mostly what I'm freaked about. (And I was kinda joking about the whole pot smoking thing. I didn't have that much sex while stoned in my 20s. ...But it did, on occasion, help stop my brain synapses from firing at such a rapid rate and enable me to have good sex with my boyfriend without worrying about what it all means all the freakin' time!)
zoya
thirtiesgirl - I agree with star, don't put so much pressure on yourself. just remember, you always have the right to tell him what you're feeling / thinking... I mean, you could just say to him now - "let's just see how we feel when we meet up" it sounds like you guys are on the same page and as star said, moving in a good direction, so it's not like he's gonna dump you if you say you wanna take things slow, focus on how you get along in person before you decide to jump in the sack. I would think that anyone with a good head on their shoulders would understand that if it's long distance, taking it slow is a good thing.
i_am_jan
Thirtiesgirl: What everyone else said...also, it sounds like you're a bit anxious about the whole thing, I certainly can relate...so, if you must be anxious/forward-looking, try to focus that anxiety toward sharing all of the many wonderful qualities that you certainly have with this person...think about how great it will be to entertain and exchange stories/thoughts with the guy. Just be excited like you were about dating in high school, it helps! That may help guide and focus the anxiety where it needs to be. After all, the whole sex thing cannot be pre-thought, micromanaged, all of that stuff depends on the chemistry between the two people when they are together; but if you be enthusiastic and confident about the fun you'll have and the fact that you truly do have so much to offer, the dude will be pleasantly surprised, and then everything else will "slide into place" if he is the one tongue.gif With guys, I've learned that, no matter what they SAY they want in a person, I believe it actually all depends on how you make THEM FEEL when they are around you...THAT FEELING they get around you (and the one you get around them of course) will determine where your relationship will go next. Everyone else here: good luck to you as well, I'm reading your stories.

Now a question. I've been reading through the postages here and am kind of thinking about internet dating myself. It would be my first time doing internet dating. What I am wondering is...when you guys refer to online dating, are you talking about the Bust personals? Are you meeting people there? Are the Bust personals any better than the regular old other online services? (They certainly LOOK better)...
mouse
thirtiesgirl, i agree with what others have said. furthermore, if you're going to obsess about it, why not just turn it into fantasizing? you can while away lots of nervous wait time with dirty daydreams, and you don't have to try to get yourself to stop thinking about him wink.gif

jan, i think we're all talking about different things when we say "internet dating"-really just any way of using the internet as a means to meet new people. one thing that's kind of nice about it is it's very straightforward--you don't need to worry about whether the guy is asking you to hang out because he likes you, or because he LIKES likes you. it's all already on the table, and for someone with less-than-stellar people-reading skills like me, that is pretty great.

i've never used the bust personals. i've had some luck with craigslist--in fact, the first time i ever tried it, i landed my last boyfriend, who ended up being the longest and most complicated romantic and sexual involvement i've ever had. however, i think that was a total fluke. right now i'm using okcupid, which seems the most promising to me. it seems to mostly be filled with my type of species--the hipster nerd, if you will. plus, the "inventors" are all cute nerdy ivy league alums who seem to have figured out some ridiculous "matching" algorithm. nerve/salon personals seem like they might be good too but they make you pay, and i am very opposed to that. never tried anything else.
anna k
I went out on a date with a guy from OKCupid tonight. We met at a Starbucks and sat for an hour, talking about sci-fi movies, his travels, our backgrounds, etc. I felt nervous at first, not knowing if I could hold a conversation, but I eased into feeling comfortable, with some quiet moments in between. I asked about him a lot, not wanting to talk about myself too much, and felt at ease talking to him. I didn't feel a physical attraction, more of a friendly thing. I'll wait a few days to see if he sends me an email, and if not, I'll send a friendly one, saying I had a good time and would like to see him again.

I haven't had luck with Craigslist. It feels really creepy and shady on that site. I like OKCupid because there are a lot of cute hipster geeks in bands or technology, and two guys who I dated for several dates each were both geeky-cute musicians I found on that site. Nerve costs money, and I prefer the hipster cute geeks, even if I don't know they would be interested in me.

thirtiesgirl, I often fantasize about sex, of hooking up with cute guys and losing my inhibitions and being crazy turned on by someone, showing off the minx beneath the shy girl look. It's a preoccupation of mine to daydream like that, very cliche.
erinjane
So I met up with another guy from POF. I realized I've actually only met two people off there now. My current FWB and this new guy. He's nice, I like him, and we've seen each other twice...the first time he actually slept over here and the second time (wednesday) I slept at his place. I don't quite know what to make of him yet. We haven't actually discussed what each of us is looking to get out of this so I don't feel emotionally invested. It's weird. He keeps surprising me with all these different sides of his personality. Shamefully I think I had pre-conceived notions of him because on his profile he said he was catholic. I know, it's horrible. His personality is just all over the place, in a good way. He seems mostly normal with a fun kinky side. I have no idea what he's thinking, but I'm not stressed at all. Next time I see him though I'm going to need to find out what we're doing here.

Tonight I realized that some time in the last few weeks I went from being happily single to extremely bored and single. I'm getting tired of just having sex, albeit really good sex, and never meeting anyone who makes my heart pound.

This is kind of cheesy, but y'know that speech that Kate Winslet has in Eternal Sunshine...ah, thanks IMDB: "Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."
That's how I feel lately being on that dating site, and with all the guys I've dated (except 1). Too many guys are looking for some kind of answer in me, some kind of way to complete them. That's how I've always felt in past relationships...like they look at me as if I'm some sort of answer. It turns me off, it's like they expect me to drop everything I'm doing in my life and I should want to be with them 24/7. I don't think I'm looking for an answer in anyone. I'm just looking for someone I can love as much as I love myself.
mouse
so i'm heading out in a few to go meet a new guy from okcupid for drinks. i am nervous. i think that last one really did me in, because i had thought he was so great in emails. this guy also seems great in emails. he's funny and sarcastic and we seem to be on the same page more or less. his one photo where i can see his face seems like he could be cute but it's so hard (at least for me) to get a real sense of someone from a photo. i'm learning that it really is so much about how the guy carries himself, how he speaks for me to be attracted to him. though it's nice to connect with someone on an intellectual level first, it's a little misleading because i've found that that doesn't guarantee a connection in person. ergh. ok, here i go.
crazyoldcatlady
mouse, how'd it go???
i gotta tell you, you have got to be the sweetest soul to put up with the shit from the last date. if some guy came steppin looking all hobo, i'd be out. DONE. period.
mouse
it was fine, actually. he was really fun to talk to and i had a good time. i'm not sure if i'm attracted to him but i'd be willing to give it another shot. he has weird posture but a cute face. i am very very way too picky for my own good.

this morning i had brunch with a bunch of friends i hadn't seen in forever, two of whom were two boys i've had on my "maybe i have a crush on you" list for the past year. they were both looking especially cute, but they were at the other end of the table so we didn't really talk. one gave me a hug when he left. they both live in my neighborhood, really close...i feel like i should pursue something but i'm not sure if i'm genuinely into either of them and it just seems weird to go for something you're not 100% about. i guess maybe i should rethink that? eh.
erinjane
Mouse, I totally know what you mean about going for someone you're not 100% sure about, I have trouble getting around that too.

Ugh, I had such a bad single girl night last night. The beginning of the night was great. Me and a girlfriend got some wine and then went out to a nice pub and had a great time. At some point a guy I know happened to be there and he's someone I know who is into me and I kind of liked him but was still on the fence. I could tell he had been drinking, and at first it was all normal and casual but then he started getting a little more touchy, and then at one point he kind of took me aside and said to me, "You get me, and that's a big deal". And all attraction I had to him was gone. It was like he put all this pressure on me at once and it really creeped me out. This is a guy I've never even spent any alone time with and I've only met him a handful of times. Anyway, the night ended badly. I was tired and didn't want to dance. I was really just in my relaxed zone, a little bit high, and really enjoying just sitting back and watching other people move. But fuck, he would not let it go and kept physically pulling me off my stool and trying to make me dance. I got so pissed off and then he started telling me that I have to keep next weekend free because he's going to take me to some town he works at that's four hours away. Christ. The stupid thing is, I briefly dated his roommate last year and I broke up with him because he was way too intense. This guy hated the roommate for those reasons but he was acting exactly like him. I just felt sooo relieved when we walked out the door to go home and I didn't have to see him again.
mouse
ugh, erin, that's so annoying. i'm sorry. one of the things i hate the most is when guys won't take a hint. on the other hand, i think that backfires against me because i'm so used to being super cold with dudes i don't like, i'm not quite sure how to turn it off when there's a guy i do like. it's even worse if i'm not sure he likes me, because i don't want to be the person who doesn't take a hint. blech.

so i'm kind of on the fence with this new guy. he was really really fun to talk to. we kept up conversation the whole time and laughed a lot and it was rad. like i said, he has a cute face, but there was something about his posture and the way he held his arms that really turned me off. i know logically that that's INSANELY PICKY but it's also just sort of inherent snap judgements that you make almost unconsciously and i don't know if that means something. i'm wondering if i should give it another shot, or whether i should just trust my first impression and say sorry, you're rad, but it's just not there for me. assuming he even wants a second date, of course. i'm learning (yay for learning about oneself!) that it's wayyyy harder for me to dole out rejection than to take it...i went into that date praying that if it didn't work, it wouldn't work in the sense that he was really dreamy but wasn't into me, rather than me not being into him. and of course, it's easier to say "thanks but no thanks" after just one date...not sure if going on a second date to suss things out further would be, as they say, "leading him on". i don't know if any of you recall my dating the lawyer last year, but that was one where i was on the fence from the beginning and ended up saying sorry no after like three dates and feeling horrible about it. but i mean, other people do it, right? i have gotta stop being so empathetic. christ.

any suggestions? should i go out with him again and see how i feel? or should i trust my first impression of "ooh, not so sure i can do that" and just cut my losses?

/end insomniac busting
NoSissy
You sound pretty sure that you're not into him. huh.gif
erinjane
If it was me, I probably wouldn't go out with him again. I see a lot of similarities between you and me in your posts in here, mouse, and I tend to go with my first instinct. I still don't know if that's smart or not, but I figure if I'm going to be into someone I should at least want to go out with them a second time for sure. And the times I have forced myself to go out with someone I wasn't sure of a second time, it's never worked out anyway.

I know what you mean about being cold to guys. I feel so awkward when someone comes around that I could be into and I don't know how to turn it off. I think I do have some comittment issues and I find them very frustrating because I don't really know where they came from or how to turn them off. I don't know if it's because I really have never met someone I like that much or because I'm afraid of getting hurt. Right now I'm consciously trying to take some more chances with guys that I probably wouldn't have before.
mouse
ok, i hear you, but you guys should also take into account that it's been a year and a half since i last had sex, and a year since i last made out with anyone. i'm naturally picky but i'm fighting it because jesus christ i should just take what i can get at this point.
erinjane
Well it wouldn't really hurt to go on a second date and at least try. All you've got to lose is a few hours hanging out with him.

It's been 3 years since I've been in what I would call a happy serious, committed relationship, and 2 years since I've dated someone for longer than a month or so. I went a year without being involved with anyone on any level and really liked it, but a year ago I started just hooking up more with fun guys. I figure I'm just having fun until someone worth dating comes along.
anna k
I signed up for Crazy Blind Date. I got a mention for a date on Saturday, but I want to see a movie that night, so I cancelled. I'm going to review The Duchess for a website, and I also want to see Righteous Kill, starring Pacino and DeNiro, even if it's formulaic.

I got a response on OKCupid, but the guy looked creepy. He's 38, oogly-looking, and put stuff on his profile like:

QUOTE
The six things I could never do without"

My 5 senses! Beer!

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

Life, love, relationships, pizza, sex, and travel!

On a typical Friday night I am:

Dancing, Drinking, Eating, Talking, Learning, Making memroies!


I may want to get laid but I have my standards. I don't feel like vomiting.
erinjane
Ugh, anna, that's awful. He sounds like such a loser. That's such a turn off.

I ranted about this in the okayer's thread but my ex, who I haven't spoken to at all (not even online) since february and haven't seen since december sent me a message today. It was so insulting. I have no idea what prompted him to send it since we haven't spoken in so long. He's had another girlfriend for about 2 years and we broke up 3 years ago and I broke up with him and started seeing other people about 6 months after we ended. The first two paragraphs were kind of awkward and strange and I didn't really know where he was going but then he wrote this:

"It may not be necessary to say these things, but I'd like to state them for the record, even if they are no longer of any consequence: I don't want you to think that I was, at any point, ready to get back with you. I was never waiting in the wings for you, and I was never prepared to change myself to suit you (whatever that might entail). It became obvious that our relationship failed on its own account and had run its course, and it was best to move on rather than look back. In retrospect, if we had been more honest and upfront, such as making it clear to each other that neither of us had intentions of getting back together, we might have prevented things from running unresolved for so long. Regardless, as I've said, I think we've reached that point of resolution a while ago."

What...the...fuck...? Why the hell did he send this to me now? If he sent it to me 2 and a half years ago I might understand but why now? We've been long over and seeing other people for years. Does he have some sort of image of me huddled in a corner crying over the fact that I broke up with HIM? I sent him a nice reply back and said I'm sorry if I gave him the wrong impression. But then a few hours later after really fuming over it I sent another message and told him I was really insulted by his email and I wanted to know what the hell made him send it. This really makes me angry. It's totally not something I would have ever imagined him saying. Ugh, I really want to see his response and know what the hell he was thinking. Maybe he was drinking? I have no idea. It just put me in a bad mood all day.

On the dating side of things, man, I need to get out more and stop with this internet dating thing. It's fun entertainment but I just don't think it's for me.
funk0039
I got a response on OKCupid, but the guy looked creepy. He's 38, oogly-looking, and put stuff on his profile like:
I may want to get laid but I have my standards. I don't feel like vomiting.
[/quote]

Jesus. Is this normal behavior for men? I didn't start dating until I was 21, and I had some bad relationships that soured me for a good long time since. I'm really wanting to start dating again, but the problem is that I simply don't know how to approach women I don't know. Sure, intellectual discussions are easy, but I can't seem to find any in this town I'm living in. I'm not a bar person, and to be honest I've had a poor rate of success online in times past.

How are men supposed to behave with women? I can never think of anything smooth to say, especially when an attractive woman is smiling at me. All I can blurt out is the truth. "You are very beautiful, my name is Scott, and I'd like to find out what kind of person you are." Is that intimidating somehow? It's all I can think of when my heart's pounding.
girltrouble
my guess is, ej, is that he was thinking about you, and wanted to make himself feel better about the way he felt about the break up, ie. he is still a bit wounded, and this (whether he thought it thru or not) was a little dagger to re-write history with him as the one who dumped you. it's male ego shit. just consider him a petty little shit, and erase it from you mind. after all, if he was happy, he wouldn't have felt the need. he'd be off with his new girly whooping it up.

no, my guess is, in some way, shape or form, he feels like you are 'the one that got away' or 'one of the good ones' or some such.

i wrote a post in the small and big boobie threads talking about how most male behavior can be traced back to proofs-- things done to bolster masculinity or the appearance there of. this falls into that category, but instead of doing it as a means of easing male peer pressure, this is a mastebatory affair. he's doing it to make himself feel better, to get some sort of feeling/emotion from you. because he feels like he can't control his own feelings towards you. pay it no mind.


funk, it's not a matter having something smooth to say, it's a matter of listening. for me atleast when i was a boy, blurting the truth isn't a bad place to start, but here's the trick: don't state the obvious. chances are she knows she's beautiful. so if you're going to tell her that, tell her in a way that she hasn't heard before. not a line, but something that is true. even walking up and saying, "this is so not like me, but i saw you, and i had to talk to you, it's your eyes. i've got to get to know you." the point is to do a gut check. be in tune with yourself to know what it is to you that sets her apart. when you talk to her, it's important to have respect for her, and what she says. really listen to her, not just her words, but her actions. and this is where telling the truth is awesome. watch her little things. pay attention to what is unique about her that you like. one of my gf's friends, c, talks me up to this day because iin the middle of a conversation with her and my gf, i said, "wow. i just figured it out what it is about you. you blink reeeealy slow. i just figured it out. its super sexy." i wasn't trying to flirt or hit on c, (i was with my gf who i was totally in love with.) but i always thought that c was super cool. i loved talking to her, cos we had so much in common. no one was threatened by my saying it, but it was that i was paying such intense, close attention to her, well that was sexy in and of itself. it's a habit with me. i complement the things i love in my friends that are girls constantly. and who doesn't like being appreciated for what makes them different?

i think you're off to a good start tho. just know you need to be, for lack of a better word, cool. if you're going to approach a girl for the first time, you need to be just as cool if she rejects you as you would if she gave you her number. you have to be like you're just putting it out there. if she wants to hang, cool, if not, then you got to complement her, and you're cool with that.
erinjane
Well he replied back and I sort of got the impression he was writing to tell me that he was never waiting for me so that I wouldn't feel guilty about breaking up with him. He still hasn't responded back again because I know he doesn't go online very often. If I don't hear from him over the weekend I'm calling to clear this up. His second reply confused me more so now I'm just confused. I don't know what gave him the impression I was feeling guilty about something or what made him write now, 3 years after we broke up, and 9 months since we last spoke. Very strange.

I kind of like the most recent guy I've met of POF. I'm not sure if he's just looking for sex though. We've only hung out twice so I'm waiting for the next time we get together to ask about it. If it is just sex I'm okay with that for now, but I'd be open to dating him. I don't want to think about it too much before I know what he's after though.
anna k
I made a date for Crazy Blind Date on Thursday night. The description of the guy is that he looks like Kevin Smith but thinner and without the beard, he's a law student, and into pop culture and music and movies and the like. It should be OK.
funk0039
QUOTE(anna k @ Sep 13 2008, 04:02 PM) *
I made a date for Crazy Blind Date on Thursday night. The description of the guy is that he looks like Kevin Smith but thinner and without the beard, he's a law student, and into pop culture and music and movies and the like. It should be OK.


Hello,

I've been reading some of your posts, and you seem interestingly intelligent. Would you like to talk sometime?
mouse
funk, this is a discussion forum. it is NOT a personals website, and furthermore, this would've been only slightly less wildly inappropriate if done as a private message. we welcome men here if they are willing to participate in clear headed, topical discussion. we do not welcome come ons. this is your first warning.
funk0039
I was coming on to a woman? Actually, I was trying for friendship. If for some reason it goes further than that, wonderful, but right now I'm just interested in saying hello.

Y'know, I've been discovering that it's really easy to misinterpret someone online like this. I'm guessing it's because you are missing my vocal tones and body language. Communication is far more than just raw content.
girltrouble
that's just not done around here funk. there is no misinterpeting, we do not welcome that sort of thing here. if that is what you are here for, you are in the wrong forum. period.
funk0039
PLEASE don't take this personally, but you seem rather paranoid. Have I done anything destructive? If so, please let me know. I have tried to be supportive and humane in my quest to understand women, but perhaps you and others here don't feel that way. I know I've gotten several very positive responses recently, but the two on this thread are the only negative ones so far.

I don't pretend to understand humanity in general. I'm a shade bit unique as men go, since I effectively had to raise myself since age 10. I taught myself ethics and morality by watching and listening. I read voraciously, and every time I found a quality I admired I tried to think like that person, and do what they would have done.

I'm guessing that some on this forum have had some extremely negative encounters with men. Whether or not any of you believe it, there is a balance that exists even now. Decent men yet roam this earth, even if you have lost faith, they are still here. Make up your own minds, each of you, as to what kind of person I am. Feel free to track my posts if you wish, or even directly ask me questions. For what it's worth, I'll tell you all I know about men and how they truly think.

I am not a mythical creature, I am quite real and quite flawed. The thing is, I confine my problems to myself. The only one who suffers from my difficulties is me, and no one else. Perhaps that's what makes me different from the rest of the men you may have encountered, I dunno.
girltrouble
i don't think you understand. this is not a matter of history or anything else. it's simply not what the lounge is for. period. you can express how you feel about any given subject, but it is not to be used for "Would you like to talk sometime?" behavior.

that is the long and the short of it. you do not get a pass, or more harsh treatment because you are a man. you can do what you like on other sites, other places, but we frown on that sort of thing here.

end of story.
zoya
..to add to what girltrouble said, that's why we have the private message feature. if anyone, any time, girl or guy, was to post something about talking or meeting up, etc. they'd most likely get asked by other members to take it to PM.

plus - and it's a reality - there are some great, open minded, cool guys that post in here, but as the lounge is 90% women, we do get our fair share of guys coming on here for the express purpose of trying to find a date, or something like that. So you have to understand that's one reason we get protective of things, and each other. Personally, I love having cool guys as members here posting. Gives great insight into the male mind which is super cool, and it's nice to have an intelligent exchange with well adjusted guys. But if I thought for a second that what seemed like a guy with a cool demeanor was just someone trying to find a sly way to meet women to hook up with, my radar would be up and all over his posts. I think that's what everyone is saying. Don't take offense, we're just trying to help you along here by letting you know that while you have said some cool stuff and been a good active participant in discussions, actively asking someone something that looks like wanting to take it further, and doing it publicly on the boards is not good etiquette here. In fact, it can creep us out.

mouse
i'd also like to point out that while irl friendships do develop from time to time off of this forum, for the most part this is a general group thing, not very one-on-one. furthermore, the friendships that have sprung up in real life have happened well after 17 posts. whatever your intentions (and despite your caveat of "just friendship" you did make the point to say "If for some reason it goes further than that, wonderful" implying that of course that was your ulterior motive the whole time), your meager time here is not enough to go on. you're being presumptuous AND butting up against bust's self-defined (because we are ultimately self-created and moderated) comfort zones.

i disagree with gt in that we do give men a harsher time. but that is because 99% of the time when we get a guy in here, THIS is what happens. they only hang out in the relationship or sex threads, they act relatively innocuous for a few posts, and then they start hitting on busties or saying things like "i'd love to see that" in response to a portions post or offering themselves after a post in the frustration thread. and though you want us to think you're "different", you're doing the exact same thing they all do.

granted, "would you like to talk sometime" in the crush thread is tamer than most, but it's still the same old story. nobody's buying the "just friends" bs--we're all set up to be friends here, if you want friends just keep posting. singling someone out is creepy, doing it in front of the whole lounge is troll-level creepy. pm-ing anna would have been marginally acceptable. not even bothering to keep an off-topic, personal, only directed at one person message out of the thread isn't cool. and if you want us to think you're "different" from the rest of the men we get in here, well, you're not off to a good start.
funk0039
Sigh.
That's right, you've found me out, I'm intending such sinister things that my evil laughter shall deafen you all, BWA HA ha. dry.gif

Actually I meant just what I said. Any "implications" you interpret are entirely inserted by you, Mouse.

I'm not trying to "hook up" or anything like that. And, out of all the postings I've encountered, yours are one of 2 that seem hostile. Methinks thou art biased. Fine, watch me as closely as you wish. No matter how hard you try, you won't find me doing anything even remotely manipulative.

I'm sorry, I haven't been online for nearly a decade now, and I don't know online etiquette. I crossed an invisible line that apparently you define as creepy. Would you like to know why I haven't been online, or is that too much information? Tell you what, why don't you feel free to check me out on any website you wish. Your paranoia is a bit much, so I figure this ought to shut you up right quick: My full name is Scott Christopher Funk(yes it really is, i hate my last name), I'm Jeebers on Robotech.com, funk0039 on Yahoo Messenger etc. I'm sure you can check somehow what my criminal record is(I don't have any except a midemeanor for not renewing my tabs several years ago).

This is a truly wonderful way to welcome someone here. And that's said with a mix of sadness and sheer sarcasm, by the way. I keep seeing posts here ranting about being prejudiced in all but name, and you've decided I'm evil well before you have any evidence. Tell you what, why don't you read all of my posts and determine for yourself what my intent and effect is? Knock yourself out, I'm not hiding. dry.gif

crazyoldcatlady
whoooooo wants pie? anyone? anyone???
erinjane
funk, while you may find the replies somewhat hostile, the reasons for that hostility are given in the posts. Take the time to read and listen to what we're telling you instead of getting defensive about it.
funk0039
I'm sorry, but I'm tired of being thought as a mythical creature. So, it's time to put up or shut up. You can even get on yahoo messenger for funk0039, I can even send you ALL of my contact details if you want me to prove my identity.

This is bullshit. Too many women have bought into the line that the media feeds them that all men are out to get them, we're all evil monsters bent on getting into women's shorts. When I approach a woman in real life, I'm usually too brain fried by the hormones that all I can do is spit out the absolute truth. In this case there are no hormones involved and I'm not trying for a date. I just want to genuinely understand women better, and to help when I can. Since I was old enough to walk I've been helping people. Hell, I introduced my mother and stepfather, I'm the reason why 4 of my siblings were born.

Is it so hard to accept that in all of the billions of men in the world, one might show up right in front of your face that truly IS a boy scout type? Hmmm?

I'm tired of the hostility, and I have no tolerance for bull. Everywhere I go people refuse to believe the evidence in front of them, and I for one am sick and tired of it. This ends, now. No more fear, no more suspicion, no more. Ladies, ask me anything you want, contact me in any way you wish. I will respond with absolute honesty, whether or not you or I like it. ohmy.gif
crazyoldcatlady
QUOTE(funk0039 @ Sep 14 2008, 06:12 PM) *
I'm sorry, but I'm tired of being thought as a mythical creature. So, it's time to put up or shut up.


huh. i thought the boyscouts would have included "tact" in their badge repetoir.
funk0039
It's just that this isn't a new problem for me to deal with, and it was finally the last straw. I'm sorry I unloaded like that, but every time I get pissed(and I have a really long fuse) it gets nasty fast. If you ever see "That's it, I'm pissed" get ready to hear a few doors get kicked down, I'm comin' through. No I'm not proud of my anger, I just know myself far too well.

She probably didn't deserve it, but in the end I think a wake up call for her and others like her was long overdue.

Really, ladies, men aren't the evil types you see in the newspaper. Remember, those morons are trying to sell news, and "Man Helps Boy Avoid Suicide By Talking to Him" doesn't make for good copy(yes I've done that too, get used to it, I'm wierd, I've accepted that fact). Ever ask yourselves what you aren't seeing in the news? Where's the other half of existence? Does any of the crap you see on tv news programs happen anywhere near as often as it does in the media?

Sigh. I'm real, really real, and I can prove every word I utter or write. Life is far too short to waste time on deception. You always get found out in the end, so why bother?
anna k
You know what funk? I was going to write to you because I thought you sounded nice and I didn't mind an IM conversation, but you sound way too defensive. Waaaahhh waaaah waaaah I'm just a nice guy and all the girls go for the bad boys, wwwhhhhyyy? You had me, then you lost me.

And I don't see men as the enemy, I'm not angry at them, and I've had good times with them, platonically and romantically. It sucks to be single because it can feel like I'm not attractive if I don't have a boyfriend who loves me, and like something is wrong with me. That's what this thread is for. You should've PMed me instead of asking me on the boards.
funk0039
Gotta question for you: How can you criticize me for something that you yourself just did? I made a mistake when I posted the message. It was one of my very first and I didn't know what I was doing. No matter what you decide to do or not do, for that I'm sorry. That sort of thing simply won't happen again.

As for me sounding too defensive, I've already explained why and also apologized for my hotheadedness. It had been building for several decades now, all my life long, and I finally blew up. That's not an excuse, an explanation. I'm not going to apologize multiple times for making a mistake. If you can't accept my public apology, then don't.
mouse
nobody's saying you're a "mythical creature", funk. you coined that one, i believe. we're just saying that you overstepped bounds in a forum you clearly didn't research well enough. and it's not like this community is so different than real life--when in rome, as they say. learn a little about what you're dealing with first. oh, and the "i'm a NICE man, unlike every other man you've ever met" is not only a tired platitude, it's again presumptuous on your part. i would venture to say that EVERY female on this board has met several males that she genuinely loved, respected, admired and enjoyed their company.

as for "implications", perhaps that's the wrong word. "if it goes further, wonderful" is pretty straightforward. you made yourself clear.

reacting as you have after simply being called out (and even after we elaborately explained WHY) isn't endearing you to anyone.

enough of this, though. let's drop it. pie, 'n shit.
neurotic.nelly
whoooooo, anna k has an admirer (u go gurl!!!), too bad he's shot himself in the foot and then put the bloody thing in his mouth.

(((((frustrated singles)))))
funk0039
Mouse, neurotic nell, sara lee, etc

I've learned quite a lot in a short period of time. In a group, women can be remarkably unforgiving and ruthless, far more so than any group of men. Perhaps its because men can seriously hurt one another physically that I've never encountered a male group quite this relentless with their words. Where I come from, an apology is considered a sign of strength, in fact I've never encountered a forum quite so cruel, not just to me, but to each other(I've read quite a lot of posts here).

If this is how women are to one another on a regular basis, then I'm quite glad I'm not a woman.

Sigh, don't worry sara lee, I'll not post anything in your direction again, unless you write to me first. I'll deliberately ignore anything you post, unless you decide you want to write in a civil manner. I hope that makes you feel better.

Mouse, I referred to a mythical creature because that's how I felt, and have felt for quite a long time, given the reactions I've endured not just on this forum, but from my classmates in my home town, and even from psychologists.

Congratulations, you've all quite succeeded in making me feel alienated. You've illustrated why I came her in the first place, I wanted to learn and have succeeded in doing so. I was warned that many here weren't on the generous side, but I ignored the warning, foolish me.
neurotic.nelly
funk0039, just back off a little, is all. women are very protective and territorial, chill out. let things cool down, learn the rules of the forum, and continue to post.
erinjane
It's probably best to stop feeding the troll now.
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