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wayfarergirl
Well I'm new here on the forum and have heard nothing but good things. So this is my first post.

I have recently (about a month and a half) started dating a guy and I feel like there has been nothing but problems since the beginning. We were somewhat physical on the first and second dates, but hung out a lot of times without getting it on. I randomly got a text that said: "I feel like all you want to do is get it on all the time. I need to get to know someone well before I can care deeply about someone and have that physical relationship."

We then spent new years together, but only after he got pissed at his friends and didn't want to go out with them. Started the year on a bad note by having sex with each other for the first time and it was horrible. He could not keep it in and just got fed up and stopped trying. We are both a few extra pounds, so maybe that was the problem? Who knows. But my problem is the communication issues, which I think is why the sex was so horrible. I'm willing to try and makes with work, but I barely know him. I texted him about it as follows:

me: I want to get to know you and like hanging out, but I am getting the feeling that you don't feel the same. I'm very open and honest and try to show you who I really am, but I feel like I barely know you. I feel like I never say or do the right thing when I'm with you. Please be honest with me, if you are not interested and don't want to see me again. I feel like you like me better when I'm not saying anything at all.

no response for 45 mins

me: please text me back

him: Don't be a crazy bizatch. I've been busy that's it. Don't text me about this kind of shit, it annoys me when people are insecure. I also hate texting.

me: I wasn't being insecure, that hurts.

him: Then what are you being?

me: Call me if you want to talk.

him: NOT TONIGHT!...


... My comments: First off who says bizatch?! o_O Are you not contradicting everything by having sex? If you do in fact what to get to know me why say this shit? Do I tell him to get lost? But how? I try to find the good in everyone.

thanks for letting me rant.
crazyoldcatlady
welcome to the lounge, wayfare! stop by the newbies thread and introduce yourself.

and, not to smack you on the first post, but you need to DTMFA. hands down.
ketto
wayfarer, I wouldn't stress yourself out over a guy who you yourself said makes you feel bad, makes you feel like he likes it better when you don't speak, belittles you when you are open and honest, and tells you not to text him about this kind of 'shit'.

Just tell him you aren't interested. Obviously he doesn't care about making you feel bad so he isn't worth your time and he definitely isn't worth your worry. Just write it off as a bad sexual/dating experience and let it go. There are guys out there who are for more respectful and won't make you feel like an idiot for being honest and upfront (in fact, I find most decent guys appreciate this approach).
Persiflager
Ouch Wayfarer, he sucks! I have to go with cocl - you're not having fun with him, he's making you feel bad about yourself, and it doesn't sound like there's a single positive aspect to dating him. There are soooo many better guys out there for you.
crazyoldcatlady
i have been asked no less than 5 times in the past 2 days by 5 different people if i was seeing anyone.

NO.

why do i feel like i have to justify that? to prevent the awkward silence that follows? and when i do give some bullshit "explanation", i feel like i sold myself out, when i know damn well it's not their business?


(a married friend of mine actually left me a voicemail: "hey, how's it going, haven't talked to you, are you seeing anyone? girl, we need to get you a man!" needless to say, i didn't---and probably passively-agressively will not--- call her back for a while.)


i am a "frustrated single" in that respect. i am not in the right place on any plane to even broach the dating arena. how do you other singles answer? how should I answer? i want some great response that's humorous but also innotsomanywords tell them to shut the fuck up.

stargazer
"Because when I want dick, I want to be free to shop for sausage wherever I want."

Sorry, that was the only one I could think of. Unfortunately, I have not thought of a response that seems good enough. I hear your pain. I choose the "I've focused on work" thing because some people just don't get that I would rather be single right now. They rather believe the old "cold hearted bitch-too focused on work-my priorities are wrong" gig 'cause, you know, we can only polarize women in this world.
auralpoison
As always, Star is snappy & correct.

My answer was always, "Because I'm not gonna fuck with any man that isn't on my level just to legitimize conventional Judeo-Christian societal pressures to couple."

I know that's what it was really all about for my questioners, so it worked.

I don't expect forever, nor do I see a reason to dick with the many options of lower eschelon ass available. It's NOT wrong to have standards or to take time for yourself to assess what you really want out of your 'ships. Taking just whatever comes down the boy pike is just wack. That is how people wind up with people that you don't really want because they are bitter, insecure assholes that want to put their drama on you.
Persiflager
Could you fill the gap with creepiness? Just say 'No!' with a big smile on your face, and keeeeep smiling....
zoya
...actually what I've been saying these days is:

"I'm just not into it right now - It's time for me to just be with me and do my thing. A guy will come along when it's time, but I'm not out there trying to make it happen right now."


that seems to shut em up and not make me sound like some "I'm just too into my career for a man" or some such blether.

anyway, it's where I'm at and I think that when you just speak your truth, people kinda just have to deal with it. Ain't my problem if they can't.

anna k
I feel bad sometimes about being single too, but I just haven't had the luck of finding someone who I would like as a boyfriend, just guys I've dated platonically, fooled around with for a brief hookup, or having guy friends. Now I feel more mature for a possible relationship, but don't want to expend much energy on it (I agree with you zoya), I prefer pursuing my interests in writing and film and dance and having fun with friends, plus I keep busy working a lot, so it takes up some of my energy. Sometimes I feel old at 25 for never having been serious with anyone, but it's been a learning process.

What I would want for a guy is someone who I'm emotionally/physically connected with, who I get excited and happy to see, we are both friends and lovers (corny, yes), can argue and see the worst in each other but still get along, and have a truly human relationship.
ketto
I always used to say that I was too selfish for a relationship at the time. I enjoyed having so much time to concentrate solely on myself.
candycane_girl
I think it's ridiculous that anyone should ever have to provide a reason for being single. I guess some people think that asking if there's someone in your life seems like a conversation starter but why not just ask "what's new"? Is that really so hard?
crazyoldcatlady
QUOTE
I guess some people think that asking if there's someone in your life seems like a conversation starter but why not just ask "what's new"? Is that really so hard?


it's like, if there was someone in my life, don't you think i'd mention it somewhere along the way, if i wanted you to know? i'm with you, ccg. what's so hard about "what's new"? why the commentary?

i am NOT a serial dater, by any means. if i get involved with someone it had better be (or at least perceived to be) worth it.

i should just be an uber-bitch and say, "no, i'm single. why haven't you popped out a kid yet?" or "how's the new boyfriend? what is he, the 5th in a month?"
or, you know, by clueless/cher style: "you know how picky i am with my shoes, and they only go on my feet!"

curiously, none of my gay friends ask me if i'm in a relationship. perhaps they're a little more conscious of the social nuance involved in asking such a question.
futura
Fortunately people don't ask me if i'm in a relationship. That would be so irksome. I mean, i'm at this point where i think being single is as 'neutral' as being in a relationship. Each has its pitfalls and disadvantages. Having been in two longterm relationships, i absolutely abhor the constant bickering and powerplay (and i'm guilty of that, too. Sometimes you come to a point where things just get like that). It's so hard to make things work between two people. And when i see how some people i know treat relationships...like consumers.

I thought my ex was 'the one', but now i see he's not. For some reason i feel that that someone for me is pretty far away. I don't have any demands like how one should look, or be. There has to be this connection, and i can't really explain that, but i know i'll feel it when it's actually there. You know, one who sees the bigger picture and doesn't let his insecurities and issues drag down the relationship. It's hard to find the balance.

Ofcourse i am prone to overanalyzing. And then i think; why bother? I often think in terms like; imagine that an alien comes from outer space and i have to explain what a relationship is, what sex is, and how this is all so important to us. I always get lost.
raisingirl
It seems like no one ever asks me if I'm in a relationship. Maybe I'm just projecting, but it's expected that I'm totally unattached. I can relate to the shoe comment all too much.
crazyoldcatlady
i think i'm going to go with persiflager's suggestion of a firm, non-apologetic "NO", and then stare them down. i bet they'll end up trying to fill the awkward silence with some comment that says more about them then about me.

xexyz
Dammit, there was a woman who I wanted to ask out once she finished her internship but I learned on the last day she was here that she accepted a job in another state. This isn't the first time this has happened to me either. sad.gif

People need to mind their own fucking business about other peoples' relationship status. I don't need to justify to nosy assholes why I haven't/don't have a girlfriend, and I won't. But of course then people make up their own ideas and gossip behind your back about why you're single. On more than one occasion someone's asked me if I'm gay because I don't have a girlfriend.

Which is another thing I hate; people asking me my sexual orientation. What is it anyone's business of theirs?
thepointybird
QUOTE(raisingirl @ Jun 27 2009, 01:30 AM) *
It seems like no one ever asks me if I'm in a relationship. Maybe I'm just projecting, but it's expected that I'm totally unattached. I can relate to the shoe comment all too much.


Yeah, I don't very often get asked about it either, which I'm pretty glad about. I did meet some girls at a party at the weekend who were around my age, turns out 2 of them were single and one is in a casual relationship with a much older man. When I said I was single they seemed at great pains to hear what I was doing to change it - was I online dating? Why wasn't I chatting to the men at the party? I didn't really mind as they were good fun and there was no kind of snark or nastiness behind it. But I'm kind of sick of this attitude that all single people (especially those of us in our 30s!) must be tearing our hair out trying to find someone. I'd love to be happily coupled up and in love, but like Zoya said further down the thread, I'm just not out there at the minute trying to make it happen. I have too much other stuff going on in my life right now that demands more attention.
stargazer
QUOTE(crazyoldcatlady @ Jun 26 2009, 07:42 PM) *
i think i'm going to go with persiflager's suggestion of a firm, non-apologetic "NO", and then stare them down. i bet they'll end up trying to fill the awkward silence with some comment that says more about them then about me.


Good call. If anything else, they will just think you have some kind of thyroid problem with the buggy eye staredown. wink.gif Btw, I still think my comeback is the best. tongue.gif
crazyoldcatlady
QUOTE(stargazer @ Jul 14 2009, 10:53 AM) *
Good call. If anything else, they will just think you have some kind of thyroid problem with the buggy eye staredown. wink.gif Btw, I still think my comeback is the best. tongue.gif


well CLEARLY. smile.gif but as i am vegetarian, it will have to be soy sausage.
crazyoldcatlady
sigh. just fucking SIGH.

i've been dodging phone calls from Married Friend. I finally called her, thought i had gotten through an entire convo with her w/o a mention of who i am/am not seeing. just as we were saying goodbye:

MF: Oh yeah are you seeing anyone?
Me: Nope. (pause)
MF: "Always a bridesmaid...."
Me: (stunned) um, "...never really want to be a bride?"
MF: Oh you'll find some boy who will sweep you off your feet and then you'll elope, i just know it.


um. seriously? this reminds me of the CBC thread conversations where people say "oh you'll have kids/you'll change your mind when you find the right guy".
what if i don't? what if i *won't*?

why do we live in a culture where an uncoupled, childless woman is someone to be pitied? for godFUCKINGsake! i have an advanced degree and a consuming professional job! i travel! i buy shiny expensive objects because i don't have to buy diapers! i have a family who loves and supports me! but because i don't have a steady penis in my life, *I* suck?

/rant, grabs Jack off the shelf.

i think i really want to start making some snarky/outright bitchy replies, but i'm sure it'll be misinterpreted as, "she's all defensive because she's single and unhappy."

if i'm unhappy, it's gonna be for far more valid reasons than being single, assholes ! tongue.gif
auralpoison
Damn. That is the pits, COCL. I'd either start coming up with snarky answers or I'd simply tell her what you just told us. That you are happy with your busy, bold, wonderful life with all of it's opportunities for adventure & growth. Also that you do not appreciate her insinuation that your life is incomplete because you are not "coupled" to her satisfaction & that you'd rather not have the conversation again. And that if she *does* bring it up again, you will stick your fingers in your ears & start singing "lalalalalalalalalalala" like a little kid.

It's funny. My family got the "No, I'm not seeing anybody" answer so many times, they just stopped asking. Now that I do see somebody? I still don't feel like talking about it & am grateful that nobody asks.
crazyoldcatlady
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I just thought of the best comeback to Married Friend.... 3 days later!!!

MF: "Always a bridesmaid..."
Me: "Yeah, the downside to that isn't so much being single as it is buying hideous fucking dresses you only wear once... kind of like the one i bought for YOUR wedding."
auralpoison
Ah, the classic "'l'esprit d'escalier'". I say just keep it handy because you know you will need it again soon enough!
raisingirl
Today I got the "you have it all! So why are you single?" question, one of seemingly geniune concern/curiosity on the part of the person asking me. It's not that I've permanently given up on finding a mate, but it's that I hate doing what I have to do (dating) to get there.
thepointybird
QUOTE(raisingirl @ Jul 28 2009, 01:44 AM) *
Today I got the "you have it all! So why are you single?" question, one of seemingly geniune concern/curiosity on the part of the person asking me. It's not that I've permanently given up on finding a mate, but it's that I hate doing what I have to do (dating) to get there.


Grrrr, I hate that question! Even when it's well-meaning, it's irksome, because:

1. Finding a decent partner is, IMO, as much a matter of dumb luck as anything else. If you haven't been blessed with such luck - what can you do?

2. Sometimes, dating just isn't very high up on one's list of priorities. If you've got more important stuff going on, as I do at the moment with severe money difficulties and some very important decisions re: education on the horizon, it's completely fine, nay advisable, to concentrate on that stuff instead.

3. Being single does NOT constitute some kind of failure. It's harder in this world to exist as a single person, so if anything, remaining single for a long time and not staying in an unhappy relationship for financial reasons (which I could have done with previous partners but didn't) is something that I think we should actually be congratulated on, and view as a success.
nappysco
QUOTE(thepointybird @ Jul 28 2009, 06:46 AM) *
3. Being single does NOT constitute some kind of failure. It's harder in this world to exist as a single person, so if anything, remaining single for a long time and not staying in an unhappy relationship for financial reasons (which I could have done with previous partners but didn't) is something that I think we should actually be congratulated on, and view as a success.


Right on! I wish I could staple this to my forehead. In the past two weeks, two of my good friends have pulled gems out of their ass like, "It's ok if you're gay", and "You can come out to me. I won't think any less of you if you do." The fuck? While I appreciate their willingness to remain friends if I were queer, I'm not. Obviously there is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, but I find it funny that they feel the need to figure out what's "wrong" with me. I suppose only a person who is struggling with their sexuality could remain single so long.
thepointybird
Bumping this up because I'm bloody pissed off at the minute, I just want some affection and someone to touch and cuddle and hold hands with, sigh................
raisingirl
This is my problem.
stargazer
laugh.gif
mumblestutter
i am really, really bored. if things don't work out with current crush, i'm pretty sure i'll date any idiot who shows any interest at all. any. i'm stressed out & don't feel good & just need someone to hold me.
raisingirl
(in response to Stargazer) Hee hee! Pathetic but true!
rogue
I agree with your photo, raisin. I'm the same right about now. I'm definitely emotionally unavailable, which is why I'm not dating.

I'm frustrated because I think that I might like to date again, but that someone would have to be perfect and fit into the little box that I have created for him, and that just won't happen (because it's an unrealistic request and I know this). It never does. So I'm pretty sure that (at age twenty-five) I have resigned myself to being single for the rest of my life. I just don't have the time or patience to deal with the shit that most men dish out these days. I'd rather be alone than have to deal with their crap.

I'm really annoyed about it, though.
candycane_girl
rogue, don't get so down on yourself. I've heard a lot of times that people end up falling for someone totally unexpected, someone who doesn't fit into the ideal that they thought they wanted.

Anyway, I'm 25 too and I have some fears, mainly that I'll be single for the rest of my life. If I'm going to be honest with myself then I have to admit that I do want to get married someday and I do want to have kids someday. And yet you can't rush those things. I don't know. Just hang in there.

I've decided that maybe in the new year I'll be ready to start dating again. I'm not going to be one of those desperate women who will date and flirt with every guy she meets but I'll be open to start dating around. And even if I don't meet someone I'm just going to keep working on improving myself.
auralpoison
Love? Bites you in the ass at the strangest of times. Seriously. Don't give up. He/she is out there & they may just club you over the head with a bag of doorknobs when you least expect it.

I met HB a full two years before we hooked up. But somehow, I just *knew* & I was 110% fucked. A few months later, the guy I had been seeing & I broke up & I dated around a lot basically just waiting for the HB opportunity to come around again. When it finally did, I jumped in with both feet, zero thought. I was all action. And for blessed change, I won. And I was well into my thirties at the time.

Is he what/who I thought I'd be with? Emphatically, no. The little boy box I had was basically me, but better looking & with a big cock. While HB falls seriously short of what I (unrealistically) thought I wanted, the important things he has in spades: he's smart, funny, weird, exceptionally kind, & for some unknown reason loves me despite all my bullshit. We've had our ups & downs, but we're still running strong.

QUOTE(candycane_girl @ Nov 22 2009, 01:04 PM) *

I'm not going to be one of those desperate women who will date and flirt with every guy she meets but I'll be open to start dating around.


This? Doesn't have to be desperate/pathetic. This? Is a good way to get over self-esteem issues & get more comfortable at being yourself with the opposite sex*. This? Is called practice. It's an investment in yourself & cod knows you don't have to date every Tom Dick & Harry. BUT. The more you get out there, the more you learn about yourself & what you really want/need. So you have coffee or drinks or whatever with a couple or even dozens of frogs. You get more knowledge & you might even make a few dear friends.

*ETA: or your gender of interest. Because I was mostly talking to CC_G, I used the sex that I am aware she is primarily interested in.
hcbeck
QUOTE(auralpoison @ Nov 23 2009, 06:43 AM) *
get more comfortable at being yourself with the opposite sex.

I've always preferred the company of women. I'm not sold on many of the aspects of being a 'man.'

Unfortunately my 'being yourself' means that others think I don't need anyone.

How can I learn how to hide what I need to hide to play the mating game? All truth all the time doesn't work well.

A constant excuse I give myself: I want to learn about dating, but I don't want to objectify people by using them for practice.

Dating shouldn't be about making plans for the rest of our lives together, but just working out if I want to see them one more time.

All I need is to do is work out a way of coming up with a persona that looks like a lover instead of a friend. A specific kind of white lie.
rogue
Hello all....I'm not trying to get myself down or anything when it comes to dating, I'm just really tired of all the drama. I can't be the only girl who's realized that men are totally and utterly too dramatic these days. It seems like every guy I find is worst than the last! This could also be because over the past few years I have not really been in the best state of mind in the area of self-confidence and was just with these men to not be alone, but I don't know. I don't think that's what it was but I just don't get how they are all so dramatic and angry and needy. It's weird. I honestly think that I am not cut out for a relationship because I just don't have time for the bullshit and the more I date the worse they get. When I say I don't want to fight or argue, I don't, but every man I've been with just continues to draw any argument between us out into a battle. And it's just too hard.

AP, girl, you have got some amazing insight and advice coming out of you. I always appreciate your opinions and POVs. I'm not trying to sound immature or mental when I say that it's better for me not to date but at this point in my life that's how it seems. Most people say that "love comes along when you're not looking for it" and I'm definitely not looking for it but I don't think I want it either. Is that the same thing? I don't even think I want to date - I'm not putting myself out there and to be honest, I think I'm becoming a cat lady - I enjoy the affection I get from my cats more than from anyone else (family included). I don't know. I'm starting to think I'm weird. But I also like your idea, Candy - I might reevaluate things in the New Year and see what happens. I guess you never know, right? I'm just too much of a homebody to date right now. Maybe it's just because it's getting colder out.

Sorry for the ramble!
ketto
Rogue, I think there is a difference between not looking and not wanting it. I've been at the "not looking or wanting" and I just totally took myself off the radar. At the time I was busy in University so it was easy to do. It was a great opportunity to get to know myself again and decide what it was I wanted out of life and potentially a partner (some day). It was a nice change because when I wasn't looking but still kind of wanted, I would tend to just date tons of guys and hope something would happen. When I wasn't looking or wanting I was able to give myself attention like never before. It didn't matter if guys at the bar thought I was attractive, I just wanted to look good for me. I took about 10 months completely to myself of not looking, not wanting. Then I went through about a year of not looking, but I'd take something if it came along. I was basically single for 3 years before I met paperboy and I think those 3 years were really important for myself.
candycane_girl
AP, I know that it's okay to date around, what I'm talking about are those women who are so desperate that you can feel it. It oozes out of them and taints what could otherwise be a fun date because you know that they aren't looking at a guy as Mr. Fun Date they are looking at him as Potential Husband. They end up getting so caught up in finding "the one" that they can't just let go and allow themselves to naturally meet someone. I do not want to be that girl.

On the other hand, I have had very few dates that haven't resulted from meeting someone on the internet. I don't really know how to put myself out there because I mean really, where do you meet guys? I'm not meeting anyone at school because I'm at least 5 years older than everyone else. I haven't gone out to shows in a while but I never really met guys there either. I don't know, I've just never been the kind of girl who has met guys in random situations.

Either way, right now I really do need to be alone. It has only been about a month since the breakup and I have to admit, for a while there I really thought that I was going to be with him forever. Last night my fuck buddy came over and while it was enjoyable I found myself not feeling into it and at times I was even thinking of the ex. So I think the next two months are just me time.
anna k
ccg, I feel the same. I've stopped dating because I kept going for nerdy guys who I liked in a platonic way rather than having the guts to approach someone who I found hot but felt was out of my league, or would think of me as a dork. I felt happy when hanging out with a guy friend of mine last night who mentioned how awesome he thought I was, it felt very special and touching.

Online dating has been the way for me, too. You're busy in your life with work or school or friends or other stuff, and can't just run into someone or take time to develop an interest in someone if the opportunity is not there. I've never been the kind of girls who meets guys in random situations, either.

I'd like to be in a relationship, but I'm not going to go after a specific "type." It's not worth it, it's limiting. I know what kind of guys I've been into in the past (nerdy artsy guys), but that feels like a safety zone for me, like friend zone.

QUOTE
rogue, don't get so down on yourself. I've heard a lot of times that people end up falling for someone totally unexpected, someone who doesn't fit into the ideal that they thought they wanted.


Agreed.
sevenseconds
sorry.
Persiflager
*delurks*

Damn, there was a really good article I wanted to link to but that website's server is down!

Cc_girl, all the men I've dated have either been friends of friends (or housemates, brothers etc) or people I knew through a common interest, like choir. I like getting to know someone before dating them (and getting some background information so that I don't jump into a trainwreck). Assuming you're looking for someone your own age, I'm sure some of your friends from school must have hot older brothers/cousins/workmates/friends from band camp (though I am entirely in favour of internet dating, and also agree with you that it's a very good idea to take some time to get over your break-up).

Um, rogue.... 'men are totally and utterly too dramatic' but you've 'resigned yourself to being single for the rest of your life'? wink.gif

Hcbeck, you're only using people if you go on dates knowing you have no interest in seeing them again. And there's nothing wrong with being a friend first. Are there any of your female friends with whom you'd fancy taking things further?

AP - I met mine about two years before we got together - just one brief conversation (that we both remembered). I dated several other people, one seriously, but when we eventually came back into each other's orbits, I knew. No hesitation, no fear. Well, actually I was terrified once we were actally in a relationship, but I had absolutely no doubts about asking him out.

*relurks*
rogue
Hehe, persi, I didn't mean to come off as dramatic when I said that. It's just that the men I have dated (from age thirteen onward) have all been over-the-top crazy. Most recent was a very insecure man who I allowed to emotionally and verbally abuse me for two years (who always made things out to be bigger than they were and got offended over everything), before him was a pathological liar and cheater, and before him was a man who always wanted me to feel second rate or like I had something to be worried about (ie: him leaving me). It was weird. I mean, yes, it's my fault for putting up with it, of course, but those were the three major relationships in my life. I'm a pretty simple girl, I'm high maintenence only in the sense that I always like to look my best when I'm out in public, but other than that you can take me anywhere. I'l try anything. I think I'm fun and funny and a good person to have around, but these men are insane! Every one I meet has some sort of complex.

I'm also not one to just find men in random locations either - I think that's been played up by Hollywood. It's not for my lack of trying though. I always notice men checking me out and I smile and look inviting but they never approach me. I did meet a guy on the bus when I was travelling to visit my family back in June - I gave him my card, he e-mailed me, I e-mailed him back but nothing ever came of it. Sad, because he was really hot too. He told my stepsister (who came to pick me up that evening) that we had been "fucking one another with our eyes" the whole time on the bus. Damn. I shouldn't have thought about him. *sighs*

In the new year I might look around. Has anyone had any experience with Plenty of Fish? I've heard it's good (my stepsister met her husband online there) and I've heard it's awful. Dating sites are about the only way I can think of to meet men, coming from my past history of never meeting guys in real life situations.
auralpoison
Thanks, Rogue, I just wanted to offer some encouragement. Nobody wants to think, "I'm going to die alone & my cats will feast upon my remains", but the dating world can be so discouraging at times.

Honestly, I do not think enough can be said for "alone time". It's a really, really, really good thing. If you're not ready to be out there, then by all means, don't force yourself to. Ya'll know your own hearts & needs, when you're ready to try again, I trust that you will.

QUOTE(candycane_girl @ Nov 23 2009, 09:06 PM) *
AP, I know that it's okay to date around, what I'm talking about are those women who are so desperate that you can feel it. It oozes out of them and taints what could otherwise be a fun date because you know that they aren't looking at a guy as Mr. Fun Date they are looking at him as Potential Husband. They end up getting so caught up in finding "the one" that they can't just let go and allow themselves to naturally meet someone. I do not want to be that girl.


Ah, now I know what you mean, sorry. I have a friend of a friend that is like that, but she's pushing forty & is feeling that biological clock voodoo (Mine's digital & runs on a potato, so no worries) & it is fucking up her love life. She goes into every date thinking, "Is this the ONE? He could be the ONE. GOD, I HOPE he's the ONE." And the guys run for the fucking hills.

You're young & fresh off a breakup, CC_G, you certainly are not & I doubt that you ever would be "that girl".

QUOTE
I don't really know how to put myself out there because I mean really, where do you meet guys? I'm not meeting anyone at school because I'm at least 5 years older than everyone else. I haven't gone out to shows in a while but I never really met guys there either. I don't know, I've just never been the kind of girl who has met guys in random situations.


This? I cannot answer. As somebody loves to point out to me, not everybody is like me. The second I made my grand entrance into this world I was charming people left & right. I'm gregarious & outgoing & I meet people everywhere. Hell, I met HB on a date with my bf at the time at a picnic.

And again, you rock a LOT of negativity, CC_G. Until you've got a better hold on why you put yourself down so frequently, it's probably better that you're flying solo.

HCBeck? I hope you were having a bad day yesterday or something because if not? You? Are a straight-up hot fucking mess that quite frankly, scares the ever-living shit out of me. That underlying tone of resentment & entitlement? You are putting some seriously bad fuckin' juju into the universe, man & it doesn't surprise me at all that you don't date much.

QUOTE(hcbeck @ Nov 23 2009, 05:44 AM) *
I've always preferred the company of women. I'm not sold on many of the aspects of being a 'man.'


Okay. But if you're interested in adult relationships with heterosexual women, you don't have much choice, do you? We're none too keen on boys for the most part.

There is no one definition of being a "man". It's not all chest-thumping, macho, retardo bullshit. What is it that makes being a "man" (by your definition) so unappealing? Were you/are you perhaps bullied/made to feel inferior by so called "men"?

QUOTE
Unfortunately my 'being yourself' means that others think I don't need anyone.


People cannot read minds, HCB. Women? Are not psychic, no matter what anybody says about "feminine intuition". If you aren't putting it out there that you're interested, how is a person supposed to know what it is you want? And putting it out there correctly, I might add. There are hardwired biological cues as well as more societal ones that can make or break a potential match. I've met many a man that seemed nice enough as an acquaintance, but that made me uncomfortable enough on a gut level that I kept them two arm lengths away from me at all times & that I would NEVER consider dating. It was pure, primal instinct along the lines of, "That boy ain't right."

QUOTE
Dating shouldn't be about making plans for the rest of our lives together, but just working out if I want to see them one more time.


I note you use the word "I" here. Relationships are not about "I", they are about "we". Do you even care if she wants to see you again? It's a two way street, dude.

But, no, you shouldn't be picking out china patterns on a first date. First dates are about, "Hi. Let me show you some good things about me & I'll let you show me some good things about you. If enough of those good things work, we can try again & see what happens. Maybe down the road we might move in together, get married, rub fuck parts & have a baby or whatever." There's no hard & fast of course, sometimes it takes less/more time depending upon the connection made. Or NOT made.

QUOTE
A constant excuse I give myself: I want to learn about dating, but I don't want to objectify people by using them for practice.


QUOTE
How can I learn how to hide what I need to hide to play the mating game? All truth all the time doesn't work well.


QUOTE
All I need is to do is work out a way of coming up with a persona that looks like a lover instead of a friend. A specific kind of white lie.


So, you don't want to objectify people by practicing your getting to know you skills, but you want to trick them with a phony "persona", a "specific kind of white lie" that pretty much guarantees that you're a friggin' sociopath? How can you ride both the high horse & the low at the same time(That's gotta be murder on the 'nads!)? With that kind of attitude, you might as well take one of those lame-ass seduction courses or buy one of those "How to Date Hot Chicks" books & see how far they get you.

Seriously, though. You scare me, man. Like, George-Sodini-gonna-shoot-me-up-a-gym-full-of-women scare me.
ketto
QUOTE(rogue @ Nov 24 2009, 09:47 AM) *

In the new year I might look around. Has anyone had any experience with Plenty of Fish? I've heard it's good (my stepsister met her husband online there) and I've heard it's awful. Dating sites are about the only way I can think of to meet men, coming from my past history of never meeting guys in real life situations.


*hand up* I met paperboy on POF last September and now we live together. The only reason he went on POF is because his friend had met his girlfriend from there. However, I was on there 9 months before we started chatting and then it turned out we'd taken a university class together in 04/05. I remembered him but he didn't remember me.

Before I met paperboy, I met a LOT of jerks and you have to weed through a lot of ridiculous messages, but it's kind of fun too. I tried dating quite a few guys from the site (plus a few hook ups) but no one came close to what I was looking for before paperboy.
coffeebean
Hi Rogue, I experienced success with online dating as well (lavalife) and now I am married. I agree with Ketto - there is a lot of weeding out to be done and you can get a lot of ridiculous messages but it is worth a shot.

When I joined I was feeling as though there were not a lot of *good* options in my life. Like you said, the guys I was meeting in my real life were not really the ones that I wanted to be with/should be choosing for something long term. Online it felt like i was being approached with more options and therefore could be more picky about who to let in and who not to. I took a casual approach to dating...no expectations good or bad going into a date...just to have fun and meet a new person. After some fun/casual dates that really didn't turn into much I knew more about what I was looking for and who would be a GOOD match for me - rather than just an okay match.

candycane_girl
AP, please tell me where you see the negativity. Believe me, I know that it's there I'm just not exactly sure where, although I know it comes through in my self-esteem. I just wonder how it comes out in other ways. I guess I would like to know how someone else sees me.

It's really frustrating because I usually feel like I'm fine and yet it's others who point out to me how down I am on myself. It actually took therapy for me to realize that and it was my psychologist who had to wake me up and get me to look at my accomplishments and stop comparing myself for others. I still do it though. Take last week for example. I received a paper back and I got 80% on it. Pretty good for university, especially when they tell us all the time that 67% is average. But then I look over at my friend and see that she got 90% and I feel like I'm not good enough.

I think a lot of the reason I put myself down is due to my weight. Maybe there's some subconscious part of me that thinks that as long as I'm at this weight then I don't deserve to have any guys looking at me. I know that life does not become perfect when I lose weight but I look at myself 5 years ago and I was so happy! I felt like I had accomplished something and more importantly, I was really happy with how I looked which, of course, gave me confidence. And I'm sure anyone reading this would think "Then go lose the weight!" I don't know why I haven't. I keep saying I will and then I go and eat a cheeseburger. I really would like to talk to a therapist about this because I think there's some kind of psychological issue that is holding me back.

Anyway, sorry for going on and on, I think most of this would belong more in the depression thread.
hcbeck
Firstly, AP, thanks for replying.

I was having a bad day.

QUOTE(auralpoison @ Nov 24 2009, 02:49 PM) *
So, you don't want to objectify people by practicing your getting to know you skills, but you want to trick them with a phony "persona", a "specific kind of white lie" that pretty much guarantees that you're a friggin' sociopath?


You've made me see that I wasn't being clear. Those were lines sharing my frustration was the downside of dating. Ways of looking at the dating process that gives me permission not to risk it, defining it as horrible. I don't want to trick people. I don't have a different persona when meeting people for dates. I don't want to create one. It would be the kind of white lie that is a terrible way of starting any kind of relationship.

The post was more an exploration of why I've not considered trying to date for a few months. Venting my frustration as a single with one of the options open to me: dating.

However, if I'm honest, I'm probably just scared of risking my heart, but my head is providing lots of handy intellectual excuses for not going out and giving it a go.
Persiflager
Good article about moving on and meeting people.
thepointybird
See, the thing that bothers me is this attitude that everyone has of "that special someone is out there, you will meet him", which, by the way, is almost always said to me by people with very little experience of ever being single. How do they know this? What if there isn't anyone out there for me? It's a platitude, and a particularly annoying one at that. You can't see the future, no-one can.

Also, it's interesting to read everyone here talking about how they aren't dating because they just don't feel up to it at the minute etc. Is no-one else, like me, simply not dating because they never meet anyone they are even remotely interested in? I can't remember the last time someone asked me out who wasn't one of the customers in the bars where I've worked, (and they really don't count because they will simply hit on anything that moves). Maybe it's just because I'm British and we don't really go in for "dating" in the same way as such - do you gals in the US simply have men asking you out all the time? And it's not even like I could be asking men out, I just never meet guys who are single and who I'd even want to be in a date type situation with. (Not that I'd actually ask someone out anyway, as I'm pretty cripplingly shy around men that I'm attracted to, unless I'm drunk, which throws up new issues of its own!) I'm just despairing of ever being happy and in love and having that kind of togetherness with someone, and it sucks because I crave it so much.
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