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Persiflager
pointybird, are you annoyed by non-single people posting in this thread? I apologise if I'm out of line - I appreciate that it can be very annoying when coupled up people give you patronising advice, when the truth is that most of us just got lucky.


candycane_girl
persi, I know that you're asking pointy but personally I'm not annoyed by the presence of people with a SO in this thread. I'd rather get advice from someone who is in a good relationship than from someone who is single and apparently doesn't have a clue how to meet people either.

The problem, of course, is that there isn't any magic answer as to how to meet someone and that a lot of people really do meet their SO by chance. I only have one friend who met her now husband online. Everyone else I know who is in a relationship met the person by chance; in school, at the library (in the case of my parents), at a club, in their apartment building, through a friend of a friend, etc.

So while you may not be able to provide advice on how to meet people, you can probably provide a few pointers on what to do once someone is in a relationship. Just my two cents.
auralpoison
QUOTE(thepointybird @ Nov 25 2009, 04:29 PM) *
See, the thing that bothers me is this attitude that everyone has of "that special someone is out there, you will meet him", which, by the way, is almost always said to me by people with very little experience of ever being single. How do they know this? What if there isn't anyone out there for me? It's a platitude, and a particularly annoying one at that. You can't see the future, no-one can.


Look, Pointy, I know you're cranky, but there are six & a half billion people on this planet. Six & a half BILLION. In the UK alone, there are 61,399,118 people. Even with half that number being other women, a chunk being kids & elderlies, & a chunk already attached or gay? That is still a whole lot of single men to choose from. I don't think it's a platitude to say that one of that staggeringly large number of potential mates could possibly be a future boyfriend for you. I may not be able to predict the future, but I do know when the goods are odd & the odds are good.

I was extensively single throughout my teens/twenties. Solidly single. As a teen, I grew up in a place where there quite simply wasn't a man I'd have bothered with. Then I moved & started Dateapalooza '94. I stayed single, though. Part of it was the fact that I'm picky, part was my job, & part was by choice. I didn't feel the need for a boyfriend & none of the guys I was meeting were guys that I wanted for a boyfriend. I was single for five whole years. I had a boyfriend from 24-26 that ended badly, I met a potential paramour at 27 that turned out to be a douche, so I knocked about another couple years. J landed in my lap, he was just a bad deal all around that I wasted a year on. So that means I was pretty much single for seven/eight years. So I do know from being single.

Look, I'm not gonna lie: I lucked into HB. LUCKED. I wasn't in the greatest headspace when we first met, the guy I'd been seeing was my first foray back into the boyfriend world & as I said, was a bad deal. Meeting HB for the first time threw me for a loop. The "what-the-fuck-am-I-doing-dicking-around-with-this-jackass-when-I-could-be-with-somebody-hell-anybody-a-lot-better" loop. So I broke up with J & took two years to get my shit together & date around enough to know for sure what I did/didn't want. And when poor HB opened the front door, I all but jumped his bones right then & there. Within six hours I'd set upon making him mine whether he liked it or not.

QUOTE
Also, it's interesting to read everyone here talking about how they aren't dating because they just don't feel up to it at the minute etc. Is no-one else, like me, simply not dating because they never meet anyone they are even remotely interested in? I can't remember the last time someone asked me out who wasn't one of the customers in the bars where I've worked, (and they really don't count because they will simply hit on anything that moves).


We have a lot of newly single gals up in here, I think that's why there are so many people taking some me time right now.

QUOTE
I'm just despairing of ever being happy and in love and having that kind of togetherness with someone, and it sucks because I crave it so much.


In this you are not alone. I well imagine that a huge portion of the world's art, literature, music, etc was created by somebody that just wanted a little love. It's the human condition.



rogue
QUOTE(thepointybird @ Nov 25 2009, 05:29 PM) *
See, the thing that bothers me is this attitude that everyone has of "that special someone is out there, you will meet him", which, by the way, is almost always said to me by people with very little experience of ever being single. How do they know this? What if there isn't anyone out there for me? It's a platitude, and a particularly annoying one at that. You can't see the future, no-one can.



QUOTE(candycane_girl @ Nov 25 2009, 08:09 PM) *
persi, I know that you're asking pointy but personally I'm not annoyed by the presence of people with a SO in this thread. I'd rather get advice from someone who is in a good relationship than from someone who is single and apparently doesn't have a clue how to meet people either.



Word, ladies. This is exactly how I feel, on both accounts. TPB, I hate when people say that to me! It's so condescending! It just drives me crazy. You know what? Maybe he isn't out there and maybe I'll just have to deal with that. Whatever. Every day I realize that as long as I have the love of my cats I'm good to go. I know it sounds weird and odd and pathetic but seriously - those little buggers adore me and never, ever give me drama. That's enough for me right now. Not saying I'll never date again but right now it's just not in the cards for me, and someone telling me that "I'll meet that special someone when I least expect it" just makes me want to punch that person. Gah.

And Candy - I totally agree with you as well. I'd rather get advice from someone in a successful relationship than someone who doesn't have a clue what they're doing (like me). I tend to be clueless a lot of the time. It's sad, really. laugh.gif
thepointybird
Hi all,

Sorry, just realised that in my cranky-knickers post of last night it sounded like I was making an attack on you guys, which wasn't the case at all. I'm grateful for your input as I know the peeps in here are slightly more clued up than most people I encounter in my day-to-day! I certainly have no problems with those coupled-up Busties posting to give their advice or support, and I was just genuinely curious to know if it was the case that a lot of the other sinlges in here found themselves being asked on dates etc on the regular. I'm feeling a little ashamed now, sorry!

It's just that the stock responses that I get from anyone in real life when I mention being pissed off at my single status are either "it'll happen when you least expect it!" or "you have to get pro-active, put yourself out there more". Which seem to kind of contradict one another somewhat! I know people are really just grasping for something to say, it's a bit like saying "don't worry, you'll do brilliantly!" to someone with a big exam coming up, I guess, even though you have no way of knowing how theyll do! But it does get a bit annoying from time to time. But I suspect my annoyance has more to do with my own shit than the people talking to me, they do mean well after all!

So again, sorry one and all for coming across as such a foot-stomping tantrum-thrower - perhaps that is a clue as to why I am perpetually single! blink.gif
anna k
Agreed on hating "you haven't found the right one yet." My life is not about a quest for "the right one." That would be putting someone on a pedestal and expecting some perfect dreamboat of a man with no flaws or personal crap. And I hate when people say "I know that something good will happen for you." If I'm down, I want to snap "How do you know?! You can't see the future, you don't know!"

My life is about having great friends and family, being a creative writer, challenging myself physically and mentally, learning new things every day, wanting to be fulfilled in my career, and enjoying my life. A "special someone" is a bonus, but shouldn't be filling a hole or a missing part in my life.
coffeebean
Pointy....no need to feel bad. I think what you are describing is what most single women have experienced at some point in their life. That is - needing to bitch about the frustration/defeat they feel when they are single and actually OPEN to having a relationship if the right person were to come along but the right person doesn't seem to be coming around! Gah! Prior to meeting my husband this is exactly how I felt and of course all of the people in my life would say 'it will happen' or 'don't worry, that person will come along as soon as you stop looking' or some other variation. I too found it immensely frustrating because I was already down about it myself. However, then I started thinking about the people who were actually saying these things to me rather than their phrases just being cliche- you and Anna are right they didn't know the future, but they did know ME very well and could easily list all of the reasons THEY liked me. I think they were saying all of those things because 1. they hated to see me beating myself up and 2. they could see my good qualities and what I would bring to a relationship so they TRULY FELT that I would meet a good match one day. Does this make sense? When I started thinking about their comments in this way I became significantly less frustrated with them. Instead of feeling dismissed when someone said 'oh don't worry it will happen' I felt complimented because they felt that I was a good person and bound to find a good match. That said, if it really does continue to bother you then i think that it is best to be upfront and tell friends how you feel about their comments. Especially if they are very close to you. Sometimes it helps just to say 'I need to vent/get something out without you saying it'll be okay and here is what is bothering me'

Interestingly enough I never took offense to "you haven't found the right one yet" and never took it as the "right one" would be the one who is needed to complete me. I thought that people made reference to the right one as being someone who does offer companionship and does fill an emotional need WITHOUT turning into your everything - at least in healthy relationships. I think that you are right Anna that a relationship partner cannot be your everything and that all of the other things you mention are important but I can't say that my relationship doesn't fill a hole or a missing part. That is not true of me. I question: why would I look for a partner if it did not fill a need or a gap? I think that we do have a NEED to feel connected and often times when we are grown - family and friends can partially fill this need but a romantic relationship does something over and above.
stargazer
Pointybird, I hope your venting in this thread will help you find clarity in your dating life. I've been following the discussions in this thread lately. As a single woman myself, I identified with a lot of things you have posted in this thread. I hope some of my feedback can be helpful for you.

QUOTE(thepointybird @ Nov 25 2009, 05:29 PM) *
Also, it's interesting to read everyone here talking about how they aren't dating because they just don't feel up to it at the minute etc. Is no-one else, like me, simply not dating because they never meet anyone they are even remotely interested in?


I made the decision to not date for 2009. I think I posted that somewhere in the Lounge at the beginning of the year. I used this past year to reflect on my own patterns in my dating life and the choices I was making in the men I was dating in my 20s/early 30s. Interestingly, I was aware of some of these patterns back in 2004, but, I was not ready to accept the changes I needed to make in myself, my relationships, and with men until this year.

I just realized I was unhappy with the men I was meeting and the ones I chose to date in my life. So, I did some work around these issues because venting got old for me and I'm sure tired out my friends with my constant complaining. I had to put my big girl pants on and work on becoming the woman I want to be so I can meet a good man. Hasn't happened yet, but, I work on staying open.

QUOTE
(Not that I'd actually ask someone out anyway, as I'm pretty cripplingly shy around men that I'm attracted to, unless I'm drunk, which throws up new issues of its own!)


This issue might be something you might want to reflect on for yourself. Now, my belief that a person has to look at one's own issues is not always welcomed in the Lounge for whatever reason. If you find yourself in this vicious cycle with dating, looking at oneself isn't the worst thing in the world.

QUOTE
It's just that the stock responses that I get from anyone in real life when I mention being pissed off at my single status are either "it'll happen when you least expect it!" or "you have to get pro-active, put yourself out there more". Which seem to kind of contradict one another somewhat!


You know, while I am single at the moment, I consider these 2 statements to be very true. CC_girl made a great point about how you can tell people who date with an agenda, namely, to meet the one and settle down. The desperation reeks like a bad perfume. Confidence is very attractive as well as enjoying one's life through various experiences. I have a pretty active social life with friends and I belong to a meetup group with the intention of just meeting new people and trying new things. I still get frustrated when I wonder why in the heck I'm single, but, it is time wasted and leaves me mentally and emotionally drained.

hcbeck, your honest about feeling about dating was interesting to read. I got the sense of feeling disingenuine with the dating process. Again, the reason I took a year off to identify my own values and what I valued in a partner. It made it alot easier for me to communicate with others (meaning, friends, random people I meet) what I believe in and my intentions in my relationships. If you are not in touch with these aspects of yourself, then dating will remain feeling fake. Hopefully, I wasn't presumptuous in sharing this feedback with you.

I'm making my intention in 2010 to just date. Sounds simple, but, I don't think I allowed it to happen. I was too fixed on the outcome and where the relationship was going with the men I was dating. I just wanted to date alot of guys this year. Let see what the universe throws me.
Persiflager
Don't worry pointy, I didn't feel attacked - I just wanted to make sure I wasn't speaking out of turn.

When I say "you haven't met the right one yet!", I mean "I know of no obvious reasons why people would find you unattractive!". It's a stock phrase for when I can't find anything constructive to say because there's honestly nothing wrong with the person - they just haven't got lucky yet, and I don't want them to blame themselves and lose confidence.

As a fellow Brit, I don't find dating that common (though more so now I live in London). I went on a few dates the last time I was single, but they were generally on the borderline of date/platonic friends hanging out. If I liked someone, I asked them if they wanted to grab a drink or see an exhibition, and we generally had fun even if it didn't go anywhere. If I didn't feel comfortable asking them solo, I'd include them on a group invite.
thepointybird
Thanks all. Your feedback is really welcome and interesting. Stargazer, I have been trying to work to overcome the whole shyness thing. If I see or meet boys who I find cute, I normally don't approach them at all. I find it difficult to even make eye contact. My immediate assumption is that he won't be single, followed up by the assumption that he just won't be interested. It's weird because I feel fairly confident in other areas of life, but I just can't seem to make that leap. It's also ironic because everyone thinks of me a super-flirtatious, problem is I can only flirt with men that I'm not interested in! I need to work on that for sure. I'm moving to the other end of the country in the New Year, no-one really knows me there so perhaps I just need to take the plunge and ask some cutie if he wants to get a drink or see a film or something.

Also - I have this very weird thing going on that is starting to freak me out a little bit (just posted about it in Crackbook for those of you who know me there). Married or otherwise attached men seem to keep making a real beeline for me. Today at work (I'm a barmaid), a 50yo-ish man slipped me his phone number whilst he was in the pub with his wife and mother-in-law! Also, a married colleague is being a bit too full-on flirty just now, and I've had various married men that I've met or known try it on over the last few years. I'd love to know what it is about me that seems to scream "bit on the side" to men so that I could change it immediately!
rogue
Pointy, I feel the exact same way that you do about everything. I can't really flirt with the men I'm interested in and I always think that a guy will be attached or uninterested in me. Strange, but true. I know that it's hard for me to meet men too because - and I take 100% responsibility and ownership of this - I won't approach a man. This is because of what's happened to me in the past - any time I approach a guy it turns out to be a big mistake in the end. I pursue all the wrong kinds of men. Bad, bad men. And for once I would like to be pursued - I see no reason why if a man is interested he shouldn't approach me first. I find that these days men either don't have the balls to approach a women (because I know that women can be very intimidating at times) or they are too lazy and expect her to do all the work. That might sound harsh but that's just how I see things. I also get very nervous when it comes to approaching someone so I tend to avoid that at all costs. It's a vicious cycle.

And! As I mentioned in the singledom thread, I also have the issue with married/otherwise attached men approaching me. A guy that I used to date three years ago for a month (who has been with his GF for two years now) propositions me all the time, to the point where I want to message his GF and be like, "This man is a dog, get rid of him!" but it's definitely not my place to do that. I just hate seeing men undermining women like that. He tells me that "she would never know" if we fooled around but I told him that I would know and I would never, ever do that to another woman. A woman did that to my mother and it ended my family as I knew it when I was four years old. I know that it's partly my father's fault as well (it takes two to tango, after all) but if she had some self-respect she wouldn't have had an affair with a married man, which is why a part of me will always hate my stepmother (and father). Anyway! I also have a married man (whose wife is a really, really good friend of mine!) telling me constantly that he is attracted to me and if he wasn't married to her he would be after me. This is unacceptable to me and puts me in a really uncomfortable place. I barely talk to him anymore because of it. He says really sexually inappropriate things to me as well, and I hate it.

Ugh. I hope I didn't detrail here. I just need to rant. I'm super frustrated with my dating life right now - I can't figure out whether or not I want to date so I just keep myself single, but the indecision is driving me batty.
go_kayte
Ooof.. hugs to you frustrated *(or not)* single girls..

stargazer, i really admire you for working on yourself and sticking to your guns. I feel like it would be a good idea for me to do something like that. I was in an 8 year relationship that ended last fall and have dated what seems like a ridiculous number of people since then (6 or 7 i think). There were two people in there that seemed like an actual relationship was building but I wasn't ready for that in either case and got scared; it just ended up making me feel worse.

Not dating seems like a difficult habit to break. But hey, I quit smoking, can't be much harder than that...
stargazer
QUOTE(go_kayte @ Dec 4 2009, 02:10 PM) *
stargazer, i really admire you for working on yourself and sticking to your guns. I feel like it would be a good idea for me to do something like that. I was in an 8 year relationship that ended last fall and have dated what seems like a ridiculous number of people since then (6 or 7 i think). There were two people in there that seemed like an actual relationship was building but I wasn't ready for that in either case and got scared; it just ended up making me feel worse.

Not dating seems like a difficult habit to break. But hey, I quit smoking, can't be much harder than that...


Um, thanks kayte. :blushes: Sometimes, I think some of the things I do are a tad bit odd and off center so it feels good to get recognition for the positive changes I'm making in my life. In regards to taking a break from dating, I think we take so many risks with our lives, even with the people we date who we know are not good for us, that I feel choosing to not date for a time can be just as radical.

And while I enjoy my singledom for the most part (traveling alone is terribly empowering), I will admit I have been frustrated about being single. Can one be happy and frustrated? Oh wait, it's called a range of feelings. Ha!
thepointybird
Just to get back slightly to something I picked up on in my earlier post - Stargazer and Go_Kayte, you are both talking about making a concious choice NOT to date. Do you guys find yourself getting asked out on dates/meeting guys that you want to ask out so often that you have to actually make an effort NOT to do it? That just blows me away! Again, I know this could be a cultural thing, but I the last time a guy actually asked me out (aside from the aforementioned pub patrons and married men) was in 2005. I just do not have men approach me, ever. Since I broke up with my ex a year ago (that relationship evolved from a long friendship after some well-intentioned meddling on the behalf of a mutual friend, in case you're wondering!), I have had exactly one drunken hook-up and one 'for old time's sake' hook-up' (with the 2005 guy when he was back in town!) Aside from that, nada. Zero interest at all. Admittedly I hardly ever meet anyone new, which may be part of the problem....
stargazer
QUOTE(thepointybird @ Dec 5 2009, 10:09 PM) *
Stargazer and Go_Kayte, you are both talking about making a concious choice NOT to date. Do you guys find yourself getting asked out on dates/meeting guys that you want to ask out so often that you have to actually make an effort NOT to do it? That just blows me away!


Pointy, I didn't make this decision only to have men coming out of the woodworks asking me out and I'm flinging them off left and right. I just stopped pursuing/looking for men to date either through online sites and/or when I went out by myself or with friends. I just stopped looking, plain and simple.

QUOTE
Again, I know this could be a cultural thing, but I the last time a guy actually asked me out (aside from the aforementioned pub patrons and married men) was in 2005. I just do not have men approach me, ever.


This past year, I did have a someone (a friend of a friend) ask me out. We went on a couple of dates, but, I just wasn't feeling it, in fact, I wasn't feeling it after our first phonecall. The point is that I was able to end things with him on a good note. In the past, I would just date someone I was not really into until things dissolved where neither one of us were calling each other. I didn't have the nerve to tell him that "I was just not into him."

As for cultural differences between the US and the UK, I'm not sure what your assumption is about dating here. It usually starts out with either drinks, coffee, or, dinner. Actually, I take that back...it usually starts with emails and/or phonecalls...then, the drinks, coffee, or dinner.
stargazer
QUOTE(thepointybird @ Dec 5 2009, 10:09 PM) *
Stargazer and Go_Kayte, you are both talking about making a concious choice NOT to date. Do you guys find yourself getting asked out on dates/meeting guys that you want to ask out so often that you have to actually make an effort NOT to do it? That just blows me away!


Pointy, I didn't make this decision only to have men coming out of the woodworks asking me out and I'm flinging them off left and right. I just stopped pursuing/looking for men to date either through online sites and/or when I went out by myself or with friends. I just stopped looking, plain and simple.

QUOTE
Again, I know this could be a cultural thing, but I the last time a guy actually asked me out (aside from the aforementioned pub patrons and married men) was in 2005. I just do not have men approach me, ever.


This past year, I did have a someone (a friend of a friend) ask me out. We went on a couple of dates, but, I just wasn't feeling it, in fact, I wasn't feeling it after our first phonecall. The point is that I was able to end things with him on a good note. In the past, I would just date someone I was not really into until things dissolved where neither one of us were calling each other. I didn't have the nerve to tell him that "I was just not into him."

As for cultural differences between the US and the UK, I'm not sure what your assumption is about dating here. It usually starts out with either drinks, coffee, or, dinner. Actually, I take that back...it usually starts with emails and/or phonecalls...then, the drinks, coffee, or dinner.
go_kayte
Pointybird, I don't usually wait for someone to approach me, also I am very social (live in a big city - and if I remember correctly so does stargazer) so I meet a lot of new guys n gals. But they are the wrong ones, for me. I am pansexual and genderqueer and i feel like most of the people i date want me to play the part they see for me and there's not enough space for me to be me. I can play the parts, and sometimes do, but it's not worth it; it's not a sustainable arrangement. That's why i feel i need to do some work, firm up the shores of my personality, before I start dating again.. but it's hard, when you meet someone and you feel the click, to not slip into that...
stargazer
QUOTE(go_kayte @ Dec 6 2009, 12:42 PM) *
.. but it's hard, when you meet someone and you feel the click, to not slip into that...


I agree, go_kayte. Having spent this past year reflecting and journaling about what I want for myself and in a partner, I need to apply the things I've been working on. I find that in the past when I had that feeling, that my mind would rush to a place of how things "should be", forcing something (whatever it was) to happen, and then feeling disappointed/confused about the outcome. So, yeah, it is a slippery slope, but, I think I'm ready to apply that stuff to dating now. Notice my hesitation. Heh.

And yup, I do live near the big city that you live in, go_kayte. wink.gif
flanker_ji
I think time off from dating can be really important, and I like reading others that have made the same decision too.

That being said, I'd like to recommend the book Make Every Man Want You by Marie Forleo to pointy, rouge, and anyone else who's interested. The title is silly, and the book is about way more than that. My therapist gave it to me to read, and she makes some simple yet amazing points on all things that tie into your dating life.

I think you'd be able to find answers to everything you're concerned about if you read the book. I know I did, and the way I felt about the dating world changed for the better. I've been in a relationship with a wonderful guy for the past eight months (BTW, I flirted with him for months so he'd know I was interested, and I was the one that handed over a number first. And he's confessed that he would've asked me out way sooner if he'd had the balls to - long story there).
thepointybird
QUOTE(stargazer @ Dec 6 2009, 04:35 PM) *
As for cultural differences between the US and the UK, I'm not sure what your assumption is about dating here. It usually starts out with either drinks, coffee, or, dinner. Actually, I take that back...it usually starts with emails and/or phonecalls...then, the drinks, coffee, or dinner.

I think it's more a case of here in the UK, we're not really into 'dating' as such, almost everyone I know's relationship started from meeting at a club/bar/gig when both parties were out with mutual friends and sort of hooking up at the end of the night - this either happened a few times then fizzled or else just developed into a relationship. we seem to skip over the whole getting-to-know each other over drinks/dinner/coffee first stage. Admittedly this could just be my friends, and obviously the whole online dating thing has made going an actual dates a lot more common!
anna k
Today I felt down, because I found out that my former FWB is now seeing someone, and I felt sad for myself being single, as if I hadn't had any luck. I've mostly dated guys who were kind of nerdy and artsy, and nice to know as friends, but couldn't feel a physical interest in. I've felt intimidated to talk to guys who I really found attractive, like they'd think I was nerdy or shy. It doesn't have to be about dating, it can be friendship, but I get self-doubt and prefer to stay quiet and hang back. Like if I see a good-looking guy on the train sitting near me, I can't smile and flirt with him. Or in the boxing area at the gym I go to, I've seen a nice-looking guy look at me a few times when I walk in, but I don't smile at him, I just nod a little then sit down to read until a class would start. I would just want to do my own thing and not bother anyone and keep to myself.

I've felt this year I came a long way in building confidence and growing up, but I didn't realize I was in the same dating rut and wondered why I wasn't having any luck. I don't really feel serious about dating, but want to feel better about approaching people I actually find attractive who aren't my usual "safe" friend choices. It would make me feel more open and confident and happier, not in pursuits of dating, but in overcoming a mental block.

Pointy and rogue, I completely agree with you. I can't flirt with the men I like, think they won't want to talk to me, and think that if they want to talk to me they will.
Persiflager
Pointy, as a fellow Brit I agree with you on the dating thing. It's a bit different in London as we're more of a mixed bag regarding nationalities, but still most people that I know have gone on 'dates' have met online.

That said, I am very much pro-dating! It's really nice to be upfront about being interested in someone, without having created any great expectations. If I met someone I like through friends or at an event, I'd ask him out for a drink. It's low-key - I might just be interested as friends, or I might be madly in love with him, but all he knows for certain is that I'm thirsty and that I enjoy his company. I wouldn't often use the word 'date', but I would actively make opportunities to spend time alone with him and get to know him better.

Given that we're a drunken nation, I find drinks a lower-risk option than dinner as they're not so obviously romantic.

(((anna k)))
thepointybird
QUOTE(Persiflager @ Dec 8 2009, 07:11 AM) *
Given that we're a drunken nation, I find drinks a lower-risk option than dinner as they're not so obviously romantic.

Oh definitely, I would petrified to have to sit across from someone for a whole meal, what if you ran out of stuff to talk about? Awkward! I dunno, I think I'd just feel like I was at a job intervie or something. Drinks is much easier and more mellow, and you can always cut it short if you're not feeling any vibes.
Persiflager
*derail*

I once made the mistake of going on a dinner date with someone I met online. He was nice enough, but I knew before we sat down that it wasn't going to go anywhere. I knew it, and the waiter knew it (I could see the sympathy in his eyes everytime he topped up my glass). My date did not know it, and was shocked when I didn't want to meet up again.

Long, painful dinner. Thank you, Mr Waiter, and your frequent top-ups for helping me get through it. rolleyes.gif

*re-rail*
auralpoison
Coffee. I was a big fan of the coffee date. It's not protracted like a dinner date & there's no risk of you or your date imbibing too much & showing ass.

Of course, last coffee date I went on the guy was such an ass that I walked out with the cute barista's number.
thepointybird
Hahaaa AP, talk about taking a lemon and making it into Spanish Fly!
anna k
I felt better, more refreshed. I still felt bad at times feeling lonely, but two of my friends are feeling down about things in their lives, so it made me feel less lonely, like I'm not the only person down. I felt happy fact-checking an article for work, going to dance class and relaxing and having fun, feeling strong and formidable while working out, and talking to a couple of good friends of mine today.

The drink date sounds good. More low-key and nice. It's weird. I can feel really confident and beautiful and self-assured, yet approaching someone I find attractive, I just keep to myself and feel like I'm a dork.

Persi, I'm glad that the waiter was so knowing and so sympathetic to you on that date. Kudos to you for getting through it.
rogue
((((anna)))) That sucks about your FWB. I totally understand how you feel.

And I agree - I'm all for the "meeting up for coffee" kind of first date. It can be short or long and it's a lot easier to be like, "Well, I have to get going, I have a meeting to get to" if it's going really badly. I've always done the coffee thing first when I meet someone new. It works because I also love coffee. A lot.

For me, I honestly don't know where to find men. I don't really have the money to take up new hobbies (classes and such) or else I would, and like I said, when I'm out in public and see someone cute I usually smile at them or try my hardest to look inviting and it gets me nowhere. Like, I'm talking will smile at said target/guy, look away, look back and smile again, etc. Nothing! Even if they look interested, they won't approach me, and I'm just too shy to open my silly mouth. I really think that the only way I'm going to find someone new to date - when I get to that point; I don't think it's going to be for a while yet - will be via the internet or through a friend. I just can't manage it on my own.

Le sigh.
hcbeck
QUOTE(rogue @ Dec 9 2009, 11:57 AM) *
When I'm out in public and see someone cute I usually smile at them or try my hardest to look inviting and it gets me nowhere. Like, I'm talking will smile at said target/guy, look away, look back and smile again, etc. Nothing!


I know this might not be the place for this question, but as a male frustrated single, I hope it's OK:

Speaking as someone who might have been some people's oblivious target, could you give me an example (or two) of how you'd like to be approached in this situation? However frustrated in starting new relationships, many single men will quickly convince themselves that any smiles from women in public are meant for anyone but them.

One thing that holds me back is my hangup that the first test in women's minds is that I should just 'know' how to approach them. Seeing the beginning of a conversation with someone new (or the first stages of a relationship) as a series of increasingly hard tests is an idea I find very hard to shake. How do I start so that we are both on an equal footing? To stop this post being just whinge from a man, can I ask if anyone here also have had this block, how have they overcome it?
stargazer
QUOTE(hcbeck @ Dec 10 2009, 07:40 PM) *
One thing that holds me back is my hangup that the first test in women's minds is that I should just 'know' how to approach them. Seeing the beginning of a conversation with someone new (or the first stages of a relationship) as a series of increasingly hard tests is an idea I find very hard to shake. How do I start so that we are both on an equal footing? To stop this post being just whinge from a man, can I ask if anyone here also have had this block, how have they overcome it?


hcbeck, it sounds like you are being too hard on yourself. There is no one way to start a conversation with a woman. It really depends on your style of starting conversations with people in general. As long as you are being genuine, that's all that matters. I tend to appreciate men who are more direct. I'm not a big fan of corny lines and such. Just a laidback and easygoing conversation. I've started alot of conversations with men, but, I'm kinda freakishly social. I may be a bad example for someone who needs alittle boost to talk with strangers. I'll start the conversation if you, as a guy, can keep the flow going. If not, well, then, I just move on.

Just focus less on the outcome (e.g. you have to land a date or such) and just focus on the feeling if you are connecting with a person or feeling some level of receptivity. Again, you are too hard on yourself, hcbeck.

rogue, not sure where you live so I'm not sure what the dating scene is like or if online dating is heavily used where you are at.
Persiflager
rogue, how about volunteering? I don't know what it is about volunteer groups, but the ones I've been in have often had super-cute men rolleyes.gif

hcbeck, this will vary massively for different women. Personally, I am unlikely to respond positively to an approach from a complete stranger, even if I had smiled at them.

Assuming it was a different situation, like at a friend's party, I would be the same as stargazer. A simple 'hi' is so much better than any chat-up line.
epinephrine
So...I just did something I've never done before. I just responded to a personal ad. I check them out occasionally, just for fun, and this one stood out because the girl's my age and lives in my neighborhood. It was also one of the only ads in the W4W section that wasn't like "I'm 40 and my husband wants to watch me kiss a woman!" or "I'm 23 and I wanna drink a bottle of wine and kiss a woman!"

I have no expectations of any kind of romance or anything budding from this, but I would like to hear from the girl. Obviously, or I wouldn't have responded.

Anyway, here's hoping she responds at least!
Persiflager
Woo! Good luck!
epinephrine
Ohmygod, she actually responded! She sounds interested! I'd prefer to meet up sooner rather than later - I don't want to build up an online correspondence only to meet and decide I'm not interested. I hope I didn't come across as overzealous.

What should we do for a first meeting? Coffee? Or is that too boring and prone to awkward silences? I don't want to go on a blind date - I just want to meet her and see if we click, then proceed as friends until something develops naturally (if it does). I've never done this before. I feel a little lost.
Persiflager
Coffee sounds perfect. Are there any cool coffee shops near you, about which you can make small talk to fill in the gaps while you're both nervous?
ketto
That's great, epi!

I like to go about meet ups the same way. When I did online dating I usually chatted online briefly. If that went well, quick phone call, and I usually asked to meet for coffee or a beer pretty quickly. Too many times I've chatted with folks for weeks online only to find out they're totally different IRL. It's worth it to me to skip that step and just meet up and see if we clicked.

So yeah, I think coffee sounds great. You can keep it short and have an appointment "conveniently" if you aren't feeling it and there's not much pressure if it's just a meet and greet.
epinephrine
Hmph. Three days and nothing. Guess I said something wrong. Oh well.
xexyz
So, I've done a lot of self-reflection and determined that my obstacles are due to the fact that I'm looking for contridictory qualities in a potential mate and relationship. blink.gif I'm attracted to crazy, certain harmless displays of crazy turn me on, but I don't have any patience for the drama that crazy brings to a relationship. wacko.gif So there's a big hurdle there. Second, when I actually think about what I want in a relationship right now, I really just want a fuck budddy or FWB type situation, but the problem with that is that psychologically I'm not wired for casual sex; I want to be very emotionally intimate with my partner. huh.gif

So, basically I need to find a woman who's as independent as I am that's at least a little crazy but not psycho with whom I have a ton of chemistry that I can have a passionate sexual relationship and strong emotional attactment but otherwise have separate lives. wacko.gif

This is why I'm going to be single forever. sad.gif laugh.gif
BustiRubi
I don't know why the first thread I went to was "how do you know a guys is a 'good' one"

I guess to re-confirm why I broke up with mine about a month ago...he didn't really do Half of the things posted...

...and I have recently accepted being just friends (for now i think) with possibly the bestest friend I have probably ever had and more (like in physical aspects which would leave me confused) buuuut I like where we are.....

but then I have to come back to the fact that-yes I am single....and I should be enjoying singledom...but I have a fat crush (on someone I can't date) and it makes me feel not single when I talk to him...so this should now probably roll over to the "thats why they call it a crush..." thread.

And maybe you can see why I am frustrated...

princess_dander
Hey ladies!

I'm a frustrated single lady. I'm at the point in my life where I want to get close to a guy, express my needs and wants, but still get stuck in a game and/or find guys who are emotionally 13 years old.

I prolly should say that I am just getting to this point and have played games and was not sure what I wanted in the past. I dated guys and girls and am finding myself more attracted to men and OMG that is where so much more game playing went down. I felt like I was being punished for being with men because as soon as I tried to get close, I was pushed away with a lot of the dudes I dated. I feel like dating is a huge lesson in sociology.

*sigh* maybe I should go listen to Liz Phair right now.....
stargazer
Hi princess_dander! Good to see you posting again. smile.gif It sounds like you are in the process of making changes in how you approach relationships. Liz Phair is good to listen to when dealing with the relationship blues.
princess_dander
* runs to hug Stargazer *

So good to see you too!!!!!

Totally, I am making all sorts of crazy changes. No better time than turning 30 to start changing the things I don't like about myself and how I approach relationships is one of them! I know it is a process and such, but damn I am lonely!
candycane_girl
Okay, I've decided to finally venture back into the online dating world. I made a profile on OK Cupid. So anyway, I get an email notifying me that some guy has added me to his favourites list. I checked out his profile and he is pretty cute. I was also notified that he gave me a really high profile rating (like 4 or 5 stars). And yet, he has not emailed me. What's the deal? Should I just message him instead? He seems pretty cute, a little bit older than me but whatever. But what's the point of adding someone to your favourites and giving their profile a high rating if you aren't even going to message them?
xexyz
QUOTE(candycane_girl @ Jan 25 2010, 03:04 PM) *
Okay, I've decided to finally venture back into the online dating world. I made a profile on OK Cupid. So anyway, I get an email notifying me that some guy has added me to his favourites list. I checked out his profile and he is pretty cute. I was also notified that he gave me a really high profile rating (like 4 or 5 stars). And yet, he has not emailed me. What's the deal? Should I just message him instead? He seems pretty cute, a little bit older than me but whatever. But what's the point of adding someone to your favourites and giving their profile a high rating if you aren't even going to message them?


I can't speak for this guy obviously, but I'm on match.com and there's a woman whom I've added to my favorites and want to email but haven't simply because I haven't yet figured out what to say. Match says you should include more than simply saying something like, "I liked your profile, would you like to have a conversation/lunch sometime?" so I've kind of been at a loss. What can you actually say to someone with whom you've never had any encounter or interaction without sounding trite or ridiculous?
stargazer
xexyz and cc_girl, well, something on their profile made you add them to your favorite list. Just use whatever information you liked about them and send them a message. Just get the conversation going and see what happens.
candycane_girl
I messaged him a few days ago and no response. Yet he keeps checking out my profile. Whatevs.

Also, he was the one that added me to HIS favourites list not vice versa. I don't understand why he would do that and then not even respond to my message but like I said, whatevs.
princess_dander
Online dating is the new hell. I'm sorry this guy is being weird candycane_girl.

I deleted my match profile after a few bad experiences with the guys I met there. Are there cool dating websites with a better chance of meeting someone smart and interesting that anyone has had good luck with?

candycane_girl
I wish I knew, princess. One of my friends met her boyfriend on plenty of fish but so far I have just been getting messages from weird guys. I don't really check my profile unless they send me a notice that I have received a message from someone.

My cousin is on Lavalife and has so far just had duds and now she really likes one guy intellectually but has no attraction to him physically and is not sure what to do.
xexyz
QUOTE(candycane_girl @ Feb 2 2010, 05:52 PM) *

My cousin is on Lavalife and has so far just had duds and now she really likes one guy intellectually but has no attraction to him physically and is not sure what to do.


Yeah I've had the issue before where I had a great cyber-relationship with someone but when we actually met we had no chemistry whatsoever and the relationship pretty much fizzled. Now I try to meet the other person as soon as possible so I can avoid that scenario.
ketto
I had luck on plenty of fish but it was after being on the site for over 9 months. It was worth the wait but I met up with a lot of guys that were not worth my time.

I had myself on 3 different sites and I liked plentyoffish the best because it had the most traffic, but I wouldn't say it was any easier than going out in the world and finding a date.

I'm like xexyz too though. I like to meet people in person ASAP because I always found that guys were totally different in person than online.
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