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epinephrine
So, I joined POF and messaged a girl who sounded awesome. The next day, I logged onto FB and there she was on my live feed - turns out we have not one, but two mutual friends. Which I kinda expected, cause the city I live in isn't huge and the lesbian community here is really small and incestuous. Anyway, after messaging back and forth a couple of times, we added each other on Facebook and eventually managed to find time to meet up for tea and a walk. We met outside Starbucks, and by the time we'd gone inside and ordered our drinks she was already talking about her ex. And she didn't stop. I barely got to say 5 words over the next hour as she just went on and on about her emotionally codependent relationship with her ex. Whom, it turns out, I was in elementary school with. I tried to steer the conversation in some other direction, but she was relentless. She finally seemed to run out of steam on that topic, and we eventually managed to have a real conversation which was quite pleasant. But now, via FB and several more conversations with her, I'm noticing just how much of a compulsive baggage-dumper she is, and...ugh. One of those people who uses their "like" button to attack people and posts status updates which are quite explicitly directed at people and just generally treats their friends as an audience for their personal affairs. I know she's going through a rough time and I did actually like her, but I'm too polite and I've already spent too much of my life getting sucked in by people like that. I don't want to be that sucker anymore. That kind of behaviour is not just unattractive, it's a huge red flag for someone like me who's really not up to the challenge.

Anyway, perhaps this belonged in the "Say What" thread...just getting into the whole "dating" aspect of single life again and am finding it frustrating already.
Persiflager
Gah, that is bad luck. Do you think you'll be friends with her? Maybe she'll drop that behaviour as she gets over her ex. Was their break-up very recent?

Kudos on paying attention to red flags!
stargazer
QUOTE(epinephrine @ Jun 18 2010, 01:56 AM) *
...just getting into the whole "dating" aspect of single life again and am finding it frustrating already.


Congrats on getting back into the dating scene, epinephrine! You've been through so much in the past year. I'm very proud of you. If anything, this woman reminded you of the type of person you don't want to be with.

After spending a year whining and complaining about being single and seeing my friends positive results with online dating, I've entered the foray of online dating again. After much debate with myself if I do well online, I realized that the majority of close friends that I've created and invited into my life is the result of social networking sites. *cough*the Lounge*cough* So, that argument went out the window. I figured that joining 2 dating sites would be my way of telling the universe I'm ready to date and meet a partner. So, I'm handling things like I handled my current job, I'm just being open and seeing where things end up. And if things end up as awesome as the current gig I landed, then I'm going to meet someone cool.

That being said, dude, I forgot how much the dating process can be so awkward. I joined Match and Chemistry where I'm messaging with a couple of men right now. There are some men who are a definite no. I question if I am being too picky. At the same time, I am remembering my mistakes in the choices I was making in my past dating life. And I'm trying to be aware of red flags ahead of time. Hopefully, I can have some dates lined up for when I move.
toasterbottom
Maybe I'm not the only one posting ads on craigslist? Ive had mixed results... Met the two best ones im currently dating at bars, though...the old fashioned way.
epinephrine
Thanks, Stargazer.

The girl just went through the typical protracted lesbian breakup scenario, which seems to happen in stages (initial breakup, which proves to be too sad and scary, followed by a tentative, heavily compromised reunion, followed by much fighting and negotiating the terms of the relationship while pretending everything's OK, with neither side willing to acknowledge the fact that the relationship is already over, until eventually one person is too hurt to go on any longer...yeah, I earned my PhD in this shit last year). It was in the final stages when we met, and has since ended for good. Now she's looking (quite aggressively) for a rebound. I might be friends with her, if I can find a way to cope with that kind of intensity, but there's not a chance in hell that I'd let someone so volatile get any closer. Broadcasting personal shit like that all over the place is a sign of neediness, too. That clingy girl I used to date, the one who wouldn't leave me alone, does the same thing.

If it weren't for the handful of important connections I have on FB with people whom I have no other means of contacting, I'd just delete my profile. I'm not sociable enough for all the shit that goes along with it.
sageykins
epi- I'm sorry your experience has gone that direction. I have been on a few dating sites and having met a bunch of guys over the years who were just not worth it, I was feeling prepared to just give it all up. I met the most recent/long term ex on cupid. And you all have listened to me whine enough to know how that went sad.gif
Excellent recognizing the red flags and backing off and self preservation. smile.gif!!!!
And stargazer- keep going the way you are, and be picky. You have every right. It is your life to be picky with and allow in only the people you deem worthy.
A friend of mine told me recently about sharing too much too soon and how I worry and all- he pointed the fact out about choosing someone to be worthy of my life. It is so true busties.
Hugs and moral support all around.
Persiflager
Getting rid of troll-y nonsense....

Any news, star and epi? I'm looking to you to provide me with vicarious dating excitement smile.gif
jpeb808
I met my boyfriend of now 2 years on roommates.com. Kind of crazy, just needed some money and a roommate to help pay for expenses. Ended up becoming more than I ever imagined.

It just creeps up on you when you have no idea. Hang in there ladies....
doxy
Oh my god...all I wanted to do was log into bust to say how much of a moron I am for falling in love with my roommate...and I read jpeb's post.
My roommate is the prettiest girl I ever see all day, and I work in a bar and see people every day that I've never seen before.
Ugh, frustrating. We made out last weekend and stayed in the same room, but agreed we shouldn't do it again.
Killing me, I am in love with her. I'm a moron.
stargazer
Doxy, man, that's rough. Keep posting here if you need to for your own sanity.


QUOTE(jpeb808 @ Jul 1 2010, 07:32 PM) *
It just creeps up on you when you have no idea. Hang in there ladies....


Yeah, well, while I have subscribed to this motto for some time, I know that I have not been proactive in putting myself out there. I've been too passive, and quite honestly, lazy in the dating arena this year.

Persi, still messaging with some guys. I spoken to 2 guys by the phone. There is 1 guy that I really like so I'm hoping something will develop there. I just remember all of those silly emotions that dating stir up. Silly, insecure emotions. But, as my friend told me last night, you have to get through the bad ones in order to find the right partner. Dude, some guys cannot even spell correctly on their profiles or messages. Or, they do the "hey sexy" in the message. Um, yeah, keep moving...definitely some of the annoying aspects of dating.
epinephrine
No joy on PoF lately - no messages, nor any people worth messaging. I've hung out with that girl a couple of times now. She's doing a little better breakup-wise, talks less about her ex now, and she's nice enough to hang out with. Probably won't make a regular thing of it, but it's nice to broaden my social horizons a little. I've always tended to have super-intense close friendships, and this whole casual friendship thing is a bit of a novel concept to me. Kinda starting to see the value in it, though.

I just want someone to make out with. Sex is optional, as is the relationship. I just crave that closeness, without all the accompanying complications. I'm still debating whether or not I should approach my friend R with the proposal of a FWB arrangement. We drunkenly kissed last night at a pride party and I want moooooore...


(((doxy))) ouch. That sucks. Is the living arrangement the only thing standing between you two?

ETA: a cute girl just added me as a favourite on PoF like an hour ago, and I'm pretty sure she's the girl I keep running into at work and around the neighbourhood. So that's kind of exciting. I shall keep you all posted on new developments! One thing that worries me is that I'm pretty sure she's got a boyfriend. So she must be doing the poly thing. I don't have a problem with poly relationships, but people are complicated, and I have a very low tolerance for complication. It's all I can do to cope with one person. That's one of the reasons why I have hardly any friends. Geez, look at me getting ahead of myself here...I'll send her a message tomorrow and find out what's up, if she's actually the girl I know, and then...we'll see.
epinephrine
So I totally forgot to message that girl the other day and just messaged her now. Other than that, no news.

Lately I've been dreaming of a suave butch who'll court me oldschool and take me for rides on her motorcycle and open doors for me and treat me like a princess. All the cute butches I meet seem to be in committed relationships, including the one who tried to pick me up a couple years back when I wasn't interested, and the one who hit on me at pride last week.
sageykins
Oh epi...
(((((hugs)))))

I just needed to say this
ARGH! (loudly)
futura
The latest drama reminds me of being in high school. You should think a 37 yr old guy is somewhat more mature, but i guess not.

About a month ago i was a birthday party of a friend of a friend. I met a guy, and he turned out to be quite cool. I slept at his place (some fooling around). The next morning there was more fooling around and after that we just talked and he showed me some of his record releases (he runs a record label).
It was all very laid back and i was in a good mood all day after i left.

At first i wrote it off as one-time fun. When i thought about it some more, i decided to give it a chance. I felt i wanted to put myself out there, trying to get to know him better. I sent him a message via fb, asking if he would like to get together sometime, for a drink (after congratulating him with his birthday and about how i visited his website to see what he was doing-you know, some in depth stuff that i hoped would convey that i sincerely cared).
He sent me a message in return, asking if we could become fb friends 'before talking about drinks'. I complied, stating in my friend request that coffee would be fine, too.

So, you know where this is heading, right? I never heard from him again. I'm not really interested in collecting friends on fb, especially when they're one night stands. I decided to wait a little. When i hadn't heard anything in 2 weeks i deleted him.
Last week i got a friend request from him. So he wants to be friends on fb, but he can't be bothered to answer a simple question?? I deleted his request.

Yesterday i got a message from a friend of his, i know this friend, and he's a nice guy. He asked if i was mad at 'M'. I couldn't believe it. I refuse to engage in this high school drama so i sent back 'no'. Because i'm not mad. I now know for sure that 'M' is a giant douche.

I mean, it makes for great girl talk, but i'm getting a bit tired of all the childish behaviour when it comes to certain men.
Persiflager
Erm, what? Why does he want to be your friend on FB then?! My first thought was that he wanted to nose around your profile before meeting up again, but if he wasn't interested why would he try to re-friend you?

My mind, she is baffled.
futura
Persiflager, that's my point exactly. Why would you be friends on facebook with someone you're not really interested in? Methinks the guy has issues.
futura
I think i have dented 'M's ego.

A friend of mine tells me he spoke with 'M' last week and 'M' is still doesn't seem to understand why i won't be his FB friend.

I've got to get out more i find some real men!
epinephrine
A big frilly red Valentine for all youse single Busties!

Actually, since I'm a day ahead here, Valentine's day was yesterday for me. I'm in Shenzhen right now, literally walking distance from the Hong Kong border, so yesterday I decided to take a day trip to Hong Kong. As far as I know, my ex is still living there, but I had no intention to contact her and I figured the chances of us running into each other in a city of a bazillion people (when I'd be in the touristy areas anyway) were negligible. Heading into the metro, some people tried to hand me flowers, and I assumed they were just the usual obnoxious hawkers and waved them off. There were a bunch of people holding bouquets of flowers, but I assumed it was one of the obscure Chinese festival days (like the fifth day of the new year, when they light enough firecrackers to blow a small town off the map, or the 15th day, which is the lantern festival), so I didn't think much of it. It wasn't till I sat down and an older American guy wished me a Happy Valentine's day that I realized what day it was. So that was kind of surreal, suddenly finding myself in the same city as my ex on Valentine's day. I can only imagine how awkward it would be if, after over a year of silence, I suddenly decided to contact her on Valentine's day! I did think about her, but it wasn't sad or anything - that stage is long, long over for me.

Valentine's day must be when all the lonely single people come out of the woodwork or something. I had special attention from four different guys yesterday, including a handsome Israeli guy who tagged along with me for most of the evening and repeatedly invited me back to his hotel room. I hung out with him for a couple hours and then politely begged my leave and dashed back across the border, only to be approached outside my hotel by a weirdo who told me he was from Singapore and then asked if he could come "hang out" with me in my hotel room. When I said no, he said "ok, we can hang out tomorrow." And I told him no again and went back to my room very quickly and locked the door.

All in all, it was a very strange day.
enfermera
bump
rose_selavy
(newbie here- I couldn't find this thread, posted in the wrong thread, now can't delete the post! so I'm just re-posting...)

People who know me see me as a happy, cheerful, bubbly person... but inside I am really bitter and angry. All through my 20s I was quite fat (due to medication that I was taking) and had many experiences with men who were abusive or took advantage of me. People were constantly telling me that I just needed to try harder, to not try so hard and seem desperate, to wear the "right" makeup, not wear too much makeup, approach men, let men approach me, etc etc... I ended up blaming myself for seeming to only attract men who thought I was "easy" & that I must have no self esteem because of my weight. So I decided to just forget about sex/dating/relationships and just focus on my life, my friends, etc.

Now I am 34. When I was 31 my medical condition had improved enough for me to stop taking the meds. I lost a lot of weight. I am used to being ignored by men or harassed about my weight and it is a very strange experience to now get "complimentary" harassment from them. Inside I still feel like the girl who was told that she was only good as a "practice girl".

I am trying to change the way I think and not to let my past affect the present. But I have now become the stereotypical angry, bitter man hater. I think men can tell this and stay away from me (I have not been approached or been on a date for 8 years). I wish I could just be happy with my life the way it is, I really feel that I am too messed up to have a relationship now. (everyone tells me to "just forget about men and a good one will suddenly appear!" that is sweet but I had forgotten about them for many years, now I am being realistic about my situation..!)

I see that my single female friends (who actually do want a boyfriend and who don't have the issues that I do) constantly struggle with finding a good relationship. If they are having so much trouble, what does it mean for me, who is seriously messed up? I wish I could just accept the fact that I will be single for the rest of my life.

sorry to be so depressing. It is scary for me to be so angry & pessimistic. Therapy helps in some ways but in other ways it is making me more of an angry person (I'm no longer blaming myself for men's abuse but the men themselves instead!)
Persiflager
(((rose_selavy)))

Hi Rose! Do you know what you would like in a man / relationship?

You might find the archives of the 'Mooooooving on!' thread helpful (if you've got a few spare hours....).
rose_selavy
QUOTE(Persiflager @ Apr 18 2011, 09:43 PM) *
(((rose_selavy)))

Hi Rose! Do you know what you would like in a man / relationship?

You might find the archives of the 'Mooooooving on!' thread helpful (if you've got a few spare hours....).


I really don't know, after some thinking all I can come up with is "someone who is nice to me"!! kind of pathetic & naive..

In my 20s I was attracted to more shy, quiet guys. for some reason I kept meeting guys who seemed very nice and sweet, but who ended up acting in very immature or even abusive ways. I guess I tried to switch off the whole "men/dating" thing in my brain and just focus on other parts of my life instead.
Persiflager
Oh, honey! You're not pathetic at all, but I really want to give you a hug!

'Being nice to you' is the MINIMUM. That should be STANDARD. Anyone who isn't nice to you does not deserve to be considered as a potential boyfriend.

Grrr.. our culture is so f*cked up when it comes to women and dating. There's so much emphasis on all the things you have to do to be worthy of attracting a man, and then you're meant to be grateful for one who treats you with the respect and courtesy due any human being! "Oh, your boyfriend does the dishes? You're so lucky!" And there's so much emphasis placed on things that shouldn't matter, like how much he earns.

If you met someone nice that you found attractive, would you consider asking him out?

I think that if you limit your dating pool to men that make the first move, you're stuck choosing from a very small selection. But if you're willing to make the first approach, then you have so many to choose from! You can set the bar higher.

With the men in your past who treated you badly, how quick were you to recognise their abusive behaviour? And did you dump them when you realised?
zoya
Hi Rose -

I think that in a lot of ways, you are ahead of the game, even though it doesn't seem so right now. While I didn't have the same physical issues you had, I certainly had a lot of issues that led to me to putting up with a whole lot of bullshit from guys and accepting way less than I should have from someone else.

When I broke up with my last long term boyfriend in 2005, I told myself that if I was going to go through with it, I was going to commit to working aggressively on myself.

With the help of a great therapist (who I'd describe more as a 'life coach'/mentor who just happens to be a psychologist) I focused on the things I could control, and other areas of my life really started to fall into place. I started becoming more courageous about work situations, personal goals I'd wanted to pursue, things I'd wanted to try, etc. In short, I tackled all sorts of fear and along the way, gathered new experiences that started defining what it was that I liked and wanted to be. I know this sounds really obvious, but I fucking approached that shit head on, and was really pushed by my therapist at times. I was still a complete disaster with men, and going through that time sucked, much like you're describing below. but now I see that I was just in the thick of it, which is just part of coming out the other side. And I definitely could see myself growing in amazing leaps and bounds in other areas. (like crazy leaps and bounds - I ended up moving to the other side of the world, even!! ha!)

I really feel like by wading through life figuring out what I liked, and consciously letting go of people who weren't helping me with that (either by standing in the way, or making me feel less than, or whatever) I really know now what I require of other people in my world. I'm not just talking about guys, but also friends, family, co-workers, etc. I'm not willing to put up with people who make me crazy in my life anymore. I just don't have time to feel like shit anymore. And I certainly don't want to have to convince some guy to like me when his actions don't show me that - I have spent way too long feeling like crap because some guy isn't willing to make me the same priority that I'm wiling to make him. But it took me awhile to really, truly feel that way, and act on it.

I don't think it's as simple as "just forget about men and a good one will appear!" I think that making good people appear in your world starts with defining what qualities the ideal friend/co-worker/partner/date, etc would have, and working on becoming those things yourself. I think that when you become the type of person you would want to be close to, people like that just kinda automatically come into your world. Like attracts like. I started to see that with friends and job situations, pretty early on - and it gave me courage to keep going with my personal progress.


so. my point is, that you are on the road to figuring out what it is that you want and who you are. Most people don't take the initiative to have someone (ie: a therapist) to help them put that plan into high gear. Which is why I say you're ahead of the game. I highly recommend being super courageous and willing to take risks as you continue going through that. It just fucking sucks ass while you're in the middle of it. Just keep trudging through and don't worry about the guy part for now.


As far as the guy thing, its funny, cause late last year, out of the blue, a friend asked if she could introduce me to this friend of hers. I thought she was nuts, but I figured 'what the hell." On the surface, he is NOTHING like I'd pictured someone I'd want to be involved with. He is into a totally different music scene, doesn't dress like anyone I know, doesn't work in the industry I work in, is a total geek, etc. etc.... but upon getting to know him better, I realized he ticks pretty much all the boxes of things that I now know are important to me: he's kind, cute, intelligent, funny, adventurous, wants a relationship with me and never leaves me in doubt of that, the relationship and I are a priority for him, he's communicative, present in the relationship, wants to talk things through when needed, surprises me with nice stuff, makes time for me and us, and is pretty damn good in bed. Before now, I'd have totally written him off really early in the game just based on him not being "cool" enough. But I feel like because I now know the core things that are important to me, I could see beyond the stuff on the surface, which really isn't that important anyway. Yes, he's "nice to me" - but it goes way beyond that.


so I guess I don't have any specific advice about how to think, what to wear, how to approach dating and men... more like "keep working on yourself and you'll automatically eventually be happier and shit will fall into place the way it's supposed to, whatever that means."




QUOTE(rose_selavy @ Apr 18 2011, 04:45 PM) *
(newbie here- I couldn't find this thread, posted in the wrong thread, now can't delete the post! so I'm just re-posting...)

People who know me see me as a happy, cheerful, bubbly person... but inside I am really bitter and angry. All through my 20s I was quite fat (due to medication that I was taking) and had many experiences with men who were abusive or took advantage of me. People were constantly telling me that I just needed to try harder, to not try so hard and seem desperate, to wear the "right" makeup, not wear too much makeup, approach men, let men approach me, etc etc... I ended up blaming myself for seeming to only attract men who thought I was "easy" & that I must have no self esteem because of my weight. So I decided to just forget about sex/dating/relationships and just focus on my life, my friends, etc.

Now I am 34. When I was 31 my medical condition had improved enough for me to stop taking the meds. I lost a lot of weight. I am used to being ignored by men or harassed about my weight and it is a very strange experience to now get "complimentary" harassment from them. Inside I still feel like the girl who was told that she was only good as a "practice girl".

I am trying to change the way I think and not to let my past affect the present. But I have now become the stereotypical angry, bitter man hater. I think men can tell this and stay away from me (I have not been approached or been on a date for 8 years). I wish I could just be happy with my life the way it is, I really feel that I am too messed up to have a relationship now. (everyone tells me to "just forget about men and a good one will suddenly appear!" that is sweet but I had forgotten about them for many years, now I am being realistic about my situation..!)

I see that my single female friends (who actually do want a boyfriend and who don't have the issues that I do) constantly struggle with finding a good relationship. If they are having so much trouble, what does it mean for me, who is seriously messed up? I wish I could just accept the fact that I will be single for the rest of my life.

sorry to be so depressing. It is scary for me to be so angry & pessimistic. Therapy helps in some ways but in other ways it is making me more of an angry person (I'm no longer blaming myself for men's abuse but the men themselves instead!)

rose_selavy
thanks for your responses!

QUOTE(zoya @ Apr 22 2011, 02:37 PM) *
Just keep trudging through and don't worry about the guy part for now.

so I guess I don't have any specific advice about how to think, what to wear, how to approach dating and men... more like "keep working on yourself and you'll automatically eventually be happier and shit will fall into place the way it's supposed to, whatever that means."


congratulations on finding a great guy! I have been very happy up to now with my life, after deciding to forget about men/dating etc I was able to just focus on my job, surrounding myself with good people, travelling, etc... Being fat, I was already aware that surface appearances and being "cool" are completely irrelevant! I think one of the reasons why I'm feeling this way now is that after losing weight, I am no longer invisible to the majority of men. This is bringing up a lot of issues from my past... for 8 years I was very happy just not being seen by men at all (except for harassers!), and living my life.

QUOTE(Persiflager @ Apr 21 2011, 12:55 AM) *
If you met someone nice that you found attractive, would you consider asking him out?

I think that if you limit your dating pool to men that make the first move, you're stuck choosing from a very small selection. But if you're willing to make the first approach, then you have so many to choose from! You can set the bar higher.

With the men in your past who treated you badly, how quick were you to recognise their abusive behaviour? And did you dump them when you realised?


At this point in my life, I really don't know... most of the time I feel like it's too late; I feel too old, angry and bitter towards men in general.

When I was younger there was a time when I did approach men and was genuinely friendly and positive. I had to develop a thick skin and a real sense of humour! Mens' general reactions are very different when you're quite fat. The few men who didn't react with a look of sheer horror (always amusing!) seemed to feel that I would immediately have sex with them... I did go out with one guy for a couple of months, but ended it when I found out that he had been telling his friends that we were just "fuck buddies" (we hadn't even had sex at all!). It did explain why he was very uncomfortable whenever we were out in public, haha! In another couple of cases I immediately broke up with guys who initially seemed very nice but made abusive comments about my body. I didn't really have the chance to dump the others as they disappeared after we had sex, or when they met a more attractive woman.

If that wasn't frustrating enough, I kept getting well-meaning but conflicting advice: "just be more confident! approach men! men don't like women approaching them, so just be "approachable"! you must seem too desperate to them, try acting "mysterious" (men like the chase)! don't do anything except have a positive attitude and a great man will just come out of nowhere!" And of course "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince"... at the time I downplayed these bad experiences, I thought that they were just something that I had to endure and I tried very hard not to let them get to me. But eventually it made me feel like I was going crazy, that these experiences with men were my fault because I didn't have the "right" attitude. I think I gave up on men just to maintain my sanity!

It was easy for me to forget about men for a long time. I always felt invisible to them (other than my male friends, who have always considered me as "one of the guys"). I think a lot of my anger comes from the fact that for years, the only interactions I had with men I didn't know involved them harassing me. (I was never "hit on", just taunted about my weight.) Now I am getting very different attention from men after losing weight! I'm sure some of them may be perfectly nice people but it is very strange... if a guy looks at me on the street I immediately prepare mentally for the "hey fatty, oink oink" type comments!

wow, this has become a long one! It keeps surprising me how strong my anger & bitterness is, when I have always been a cheerful and nice person! I am really trying to get beyond my past experiences but am feeling very pessimistic.
zoya
rose -

I can relate to the pessimistic, angry stuff... read back thru the archives of this thread, the crushie thread and the "write a letter" thread in friends and family and you'll get a taste of me swinging between pessimism, anger, and complete defeat over the last few years. Persiflager, Auralpoison and Stargazer can attest to that. it got to the point where even my best friends were going "it's inexplicable how you have the worst fucking luck with men." even guys who were known as being nice guys would go totally south on me. and it TOTALLY got to me. I just finally fucking threw in the towel for about the year preceding meeting the Mr. I just gave up completely on having anything beyond meeting dudes here and there. I just rolled with whatever guy I happened to meet along the way that was interested, but I didn't go out of my way to look and since I had nothing to lose, I'd cut the cord if they started to make me feel shitty. (as an aside, that did actually lead to a few really fun one offs with ridiculously young hot guys, but I digress...)

I actually nearly pushed the Mr away early in the game, because he was so free of hangups or asshole moves, and had all these qualities I knew I liked, that I thought something seriously must be wrong with him and was kind of a dick to him. Basically along the lines of you saying you prepare mentally for the "hey fatty" comments - I totally was pre-emptively striking against what history bore would be a guy who would eventually become an asshole. It was really weird, cause after all that time of saying I just wanted a nice guy, when one came along, I fought against it. Somewhere deep down, I still feel like something must be wrong with him, but in 6 months, he's shown me nothing but the opposite, so I'm rolling with it. Old thoughts and reactions die hard, and I don't think I'll ever totally be over them, it really is just mind over matter for me a lot of the time - but that's becoming less, the more he is cool and steady and shows me he's for real.
rose_selavy
QUOTE(zoya @ Apr 22 2011, 03:40 PM) *
I just gave up completely on having anything beyond meeting dudes here and there. I just rolled with whatever guy I happened to meet along the way that was interested, but I didn't go out of my way to look and since I had nothing to lose, I'd cut the cord if they started to make me feel shitty. (as an aside, that did actually lead to a few really fun one offs with ridiculously young hot guys, but I digress...)


wow... that was probably quite a chaotic, crazy time in your life, but I feel a bit jealous of you! to me, having one offs with young hot guys, or even having a guy being interested in me, is a completely alien experience. in a way I don't really feel like a "real woman", like I'm this kind of asexual... thing.

People have told me in the past, "women have all the power! we can get laid whenever we want!" Maybe I could have had sex or even kissed a guy in the past 8 years, but I was limited to either guys who were very very drunk, or who felt that I should be grateful to them for giving me any kind of positive attention.

maybe I'm just going crazy... I can't seem to stop thinking about the meaning of "beauty privilege" after losing weight. I felt for so long that I really don't need a man and that I have a wonderful life the way it is. I still feel that way most of the time.. I don't know what I really feel any more.
Synergy
I can relate to your feelings rose_selavy: 'i don't know what i really feel anymore'.

I've been single for almost 18 months now. For the most part i'm really happy about it. But sometimes, like now, i tend to get a period of frustration.
A very good friend of mine got married this weekend. It was a hell of a party and i am very happy for her. The loneliness kicked in when they did their openingsdance. It was a very romantic song and they were so happy and the love and affection oozed out of every pore they had. I felt very happy for them and at the same time i saw what i missed so much about not having a relationship. The comfort, the fact that there is someone there for you.

It is all very confusing. Most part of me doesn't want a relationship. I am very happy with myself and my current situation. I get attention from men, but i rarely see a man that interests me. I wouln't say i have a high standard when men are concerned, i don't have a huge list with 'must haves'.

During the wedding the mother of the bride was asking if i was 'still searching'. I said no, she replied 'have you found someone already?'. My answer was 'no, i'm just not actively looking for a special someone'. And i really do feel i'm not looking for someone. But somehow i would like to have someone to be special to.

A few months ago i had a sort of friend with benefits. It was a nice friendship with the extra's, and the extra was very good. But then he fell in love with me. And for me he wasn't relation material. He became a little too obsessed, texting me way to much for my comfort, telling me he didn't want to lose our friendship, that i was so cool, that he learned a lot from me. It suffocated me. I told him i did not feel the same way and the more he would cling to me the more i would back off. Unfortunately he didn't listen, although i have been very (and i mean very) straightforward with how i felt about the situation. He kept stepping over my boundaries, to a point where i broke off the friendship and everything that came with it. Soooo frustrating.

When it comes to men i just won't settle for less. And sometimes i feel i'm setting the bar too high, but on the other hand, to lower it is not an option for me. Jeez does that sound like a paradox to you?

Sorry if i'm ranting. Just had to get it off my chest.
Synergy
No frustrated singles here anymore?
I guess i should be happy about that tongue.gif
andienash
I have to rant.

I am going through a break-up right now. I've been dating for years and have had many relationships, many guys come and go (no pun intended). I've gotten used to the whole break-up process by now, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less.

What is upsetting me at the moment is the canned condolences I get. Maybe I should be grateful, but at the end of every relationship I hear the same things from friends, family and acquaintances, sentiments along the lines of "Don't worry, you'll find someone who is worthy of you. You'll find The One someday." Ad nauseum.

Maybe I won't find the One. How the f*ck do they know? Every relationship I've entered into, no matter how insignificant, there is a glimmer of hope that the person I am with is the One. I only find more heartbreak. What is the use of telling someone to keep trying?

Someone please comment. I'm sick of yelling into the vast silent void.
andienash
@Synergy

I feel you. If it's any consolation, I've done the "not actively searching" thing. For 1 year I made a conscious effort to NOT get involved with anyone--casually or seriously. No dates, no dudes, nothing. It was lonely at times (and I did my fair share of perusing dating websites just to stave off curiosity), but it was the most uncomplicated, drama-free time of my life. I am going through a hellish breakup now and will probably adopt that "no dating" lifestyle again for at least the next six months or so. It's the only thing that makes sense at this point in my life.
Synergy
Jeez! The 'you will find someone special' thing. Did they look at you with that look of pityfullness?
Shame on them!

So i hear you say two things here.
1: the canned condolances
2: you still have a glimmer of hope each time you meet someone

The canned condolances are crap. I don't know if it's real or if i might imagine it, but when i tell people i'm single i swear i can see a little pity in their eyes. Like they are saying: you're nearly thirty and aren't starting a family yet?
Lately i don't even bother elaborating it. Somehow i get the feeling they only want to hear how miserable you are by being alone and therefore they made the right choice of having someone.
Wow, that was very negative, hahaha. But sometimes i do feel it that way, even though they don't mean it that way.

It is just that everyone seems to think you cannot be happy being on your own. I'm just glad that i have people around me that do understand. A friend of mine is single too. She has been for like 6 years or so and dated only once, nothing serious really. And yes, sometimes she is miserable, but most of the time she is enjoying her life. I'm very proud of her for doing that. I have seen the other side too. Another friend, complaining of being alone AGAIN for christmas. Please....

Sometimes i dwell on my lonely feelings, just for a little while. Most of the times i can snap out of it perfectly. Sometimes it is a little harder. And at times like that it is nice to have people cheering me up and let me look at it from the bright side. No need for canned condolances at moments like these.

I'm still checking in here, so feel free to rant some more.
andienash
Glad to see someone else reject the "canned condolences"! I'm sick of hearing them. I think it makes it worse when they come from someone I don't know very well--i.e. coworker, acquaintance, etc. I know they're just being polite (and there's a lot to be said for politeness) but again, how the f*ck do they know I'll find that special someone "in time"? Oy.

On a deeper level, I think it's weird that many people assume that a single woman of course must be desperate to find "The One," as if you can't be happy playing the field (personally I find "playing the field" tedious, but plenty of women I know quite enjoy casual dating). And it's kind of gross that in 2011 there is still the assumption that if you'r'e over thirty-five and unmarried, you must have some sort of personality disorder that keeps the men away.


QUOTE(Synergy @ Jul 13 2011, 12:56 PM) *
Jeez! The 'you will find someone special' thing. Did they look at you with that look of pityfullness?
Shame on them!

So i hear you say two things here.
1: the canned condolances
2: you still have a glimmer of hope each time you meet someone

The canned condolances are crap. I don't know if it's real or if i might imagine it, but when i tell people i'm single i swear i can see a little pity in their eyes. Like they are saying: you're nearly thirty and aren't starting a family yet?
Lately i don't even bother elaborating it. Somehow i get the feeling they only want to hear how miserable you are by being alone and therefore they made the right choice of having someone.
Wow, that was very negative, hahaha. But sometimes i do feel it that way, even though they don't mean it that way.

It is just that everyone seems to think you cannot be happy being on your own. I'm just glad that i have people around me that do understand. A friend of mine is single too. She has been for like 6 years or so and dated only once, nothing serious really. And yes, sometimes she is miserable, but most of the time she is enjoying her life. I'm very proud of her for doing that. I have seen the other side too. Another friend, complaining of being alone AGAIN for christmas. Please....

Sometimes i dwell on my lonely feelings, just for a little while. Most of the times i can snap out of it perfectly. Sometimes it is a little harder. And at times like that it is nice to have people cheering me up and let me look at it from the bright side. No need for canned condolances at moments like these.

I'm still checking in here, so feel free to rant some more.

Synergy
What i don't understand is that people think saying you will find The One, is comforting. It is not comforting at all. At one point you thought he was, or else you wouldn't be in a serious relationship with the guy. How come people like that do not give you the space to greeve? It's almost like the road to finding The One (if he even exists) counts for nothing and the only thing that counts is when you have him. If you do not, then you need to find him. That seems to be the sole purpose according to those folks. I wonder how many of them who are in a relationship really found The One. I see a lot of people around me having relationships where they totally lose themselves and become the relationship. Whithout it they are not whole, therefore they hold on to the relationship and not to their feelings and themselves. Do i make sense?

Good of you to decide to be on your own for a while andienash. I think it is a good thing to be alone for a while after a relationship. Just to get grounded on your own. I second you on that one.
I'm single for about a jear and a half now. I'm not really into dating men. Too much fuss. I think a special person will cross my path eventually, whithout me looking for it too hard.
rose_selavy
hi andienash, I hope things are going better with you! I don't believe in "The One" at all- of course I am looking for a guy who has something in common with me and who I feel a connection with, but being someone else's "One" puts too much pressure on the relationship. Everyone has something annoying about them!

I've dated guys (briefly) in my 20s who seemed to be biding their time with me while waiting for "The One" to come along. They either cheated or just disappeared once they found a "better" girl. I suspect that the same thing happened again once they realized that their "One" is a human being with flaws too...

Synergy said "I see a lot of people around me having relationships where they totally lose themselves and become the relationship. Whithout it they are not whole, therefore they hold on to the relationship and not to their feelings and themselves." These are the kind of people who pity me because I'm single and who assume that I am miserable without a man. It's sad that it's almost always women who are like this. I hate the assumption that it's a "woman's job" to "fix" any problems in a relationship and that the problems are her fault. Even if the man is the cause of the problems, it's "her job" to point them out and to make the man change.

right now I am very pessimistic about men in general and feel that I am more likely to win the lottery than meet someone who I like and who is single! I hate having such negative feelings because I have been a very happy, cheerful person for my whole life. I have been mostly quite happy being single for years and not seeking a relationship at all. But I can't help feeling like I am missing out on something. Everyone tells me that a man will just "appear" when you stop searching but it has been a long long time... I think it's healthier for me just to give up on men completely.
squirrelgirl88
hi BUSTies,

i was curious about how long i should wait before i start dating again? i broke up with my boyfriend of a year about five days ago, and although i'm not ready to jump into a long-term relationship again anytime soon, i am looking for...fun? by fun i mean casual dating and enjoying the company of interesting dudes.

i feel so guilty still for breaking up with my ex, i broke up with him for a reason (i wasn't happy).

what should i do?
aid would be appreciated.

sg
crazyoldcatlady
SG-

i don't see why you can't casually date, time frame be damned. it sounds like you and your ex have been apart, emotionally, for longer than 5 days. i say go into the dating scene and have fun/meet new friends.

i'm in a bit of similar situation, year-long relationship ended 6 days ago, and i have actually have a date tonight, but not much looking forward to it for my own hang up reasons.

you? go have fun and enjoy yourself. me? i'll try, and if not, i'll get stinking drunk and cry.
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