May 17 2006, 05:14 PM
Oh I'm so here! My man is 38, I've been with him for 5 years and we now have two kids. Since I've known him he's been talking about getting a job, I'm talking 5 years! I have now have 4 kids (5 if you include him), and I'm at home on disability as I have Lupus and Fibromyalgia. The topper is he does nothing to help me out around the house, not with the kids the housework nothing! I tell him to leave about once a month, but he won't go! Why can't he just be a man, get and job and provide for his family?!!
May 27 2006, 12:04 PM
i'm 27 and my boyfriend is 25. i have a bachelor's degree and have been teaching for five years. he has little to no college and works as a kitchen supervisor at a restaurant for $9/hr. we got engaged in december. i am making enough money to pay down my credit card debt and work on student loans in addition to paying regular bills- i'm doing well and plan really carefully. since i bring home at least twice as much money as the does, we split the bills (we rent) 60/40, which satisfies me. he is fine on day to day stuff. he always pays his bills on time. its the long term stuff that he falls behind on. for example, the starter broke on his car, and he couldn't pay for it. i paid $350 for that, and he pays me back roughly $100/month. last week, the clutch on his car went out, which cost $165 in towing. he only needed help with $30 of that, and is paying me back on Tuesday. his car is old, and its not in the cards for him to get a new one right now. he has terrible credit- for example, he applied for car financing and the interest rate offered to him was 28.99%. we're engaged, and i will be paying for the bulk of our wedding expenses because i've made a savings plan for it. he knows that he's broke, and that he can't afford the long term things he needs for himself. he's talked about becoming an electrician- there is a shipyard school around here that offers a program where at the end, you have earned an associates degree, and you start at 11/hr with raises every three months. still, the only jobs he's actually submitted applications for are kitchen jobs. i'm at my wits end because i'm trying to tell him that we need to do what we can now to set a good foundation for our future. he says he wants to do that, that he agrees, i just don't see him trying very hard. its like he lacks the drive to do it. we have a wonderful relationship in every other way. i feel sometimes, though, that i have to be responsible for both of us. if things continue the way they're going, when we have kids, its going to be more economical for him to stay home with them, which annoys me because i've dreamed of staying home with my children when they're small. i'm tired of being the planner, the organizer, of bringing home the bacon, so to speak. he knows he needs to do something better. he just won't. what can i do?
May 30 2006, 07:50 PM
pinkmartyr, do not marry this dude. Do not get pregnant with his children unless you're ready to keep having this struggle w/him for the next 18 years.
Could be that he's just not mature/settled down about himself just yet. I'm an old lady, so 25 seems pretty damned young to me. If I were you, I'd avoid marriage or children unless he proves, by getting some more education or a better job, that he is willing and able to take care of himself. 'Cause if he can't take care of himself, he'll have a hell of a time owning up to the responsibilities of being a husband and/or father.
May 30 2006, 07:59 PM
samey same same. the last boy has not one but two trades under his belt, one of them VERY well paying, like over twice what i make at the bank, but he does not work AT ALL. total slouch, he even made it hard for me to work by trying to keep me up late all the time to "spend time together".
oh, the laziness, and the drinking, ugh. instead of working for a living he'd rather sweet talk loans out of his friends, do illegal this and that on the side to scrounge up dough every now and then, and let the phone get cut off every few months.
and he doesn't understand why i broke up with him?
i can just imagine having to float his ass with a new baby. i'd never trust him with any kind of responsibility, let alone the demands of caring for a wee one.
and the boy before this was and actor. he actually made money though, but still.
Jun 1 2006, 08:00 AM
Oh Pink... girl I know this situation all too well. The guy was my best friend. We had a connection like I have never had with anyone. But, he was incapable of motivating himself to do ANYTHING. Hello?? Can you say, DEAL-BREAKER!?
It really is just a maturity issue. And I know it's hard. But I totaly agree with edna. Please don't get married and have a family with this guy until he gets his shit together! You will only end up resenting him and it will be all down hill from there!
Jun 4 2006, 10:57 AM
Lilyblue has it right, you want a partner not a child. If a guy is 25 and still not on track, he might soon be if he's moving in that direction. But if he's waiting for you to pick up the check and give him a place to live, I'd say move on and just be happy alone and self-supporting. If the guy is over 30 and still not got a clue or a decent job track, don't let him mooch off you or move in or you'll never get him out. If he wants to make something of himself, let him do it on his own and build some self-respect. Most guys I see who are supported financially by their girlfriends and the story I've often seen is that, if they do eventually get a decent job going, they leave the girl who supported them and move up to someone else. It happens A LOT, so don't think that he'll stay with you just because you did so much for him.
My former guy was 34 and still no decent job. His dad paid for his college at a good state-run universtiy, but he complained that his sister got money to go to a top-knotch private school and his brother would have too, if he hadn't dropped out in high school. So the guy has a good 4-year degree, no student loan debt, and gets jobs picking up empty glasses in bars and rock clubs. Then he at least got a job doing the company books at one club for a couple of years, but it paid shit and no insurance until about 6 months before he quit. He just quit one day with no other job and so went even more downhill and in debt, no attempt to get jobs in his field. I helped him get a job as a receptionist for a graphic arts firm, that's the only kind of job he could get, and he mostly moaned about it and had no direction and no money, no car, sharing housing with 3-4 other guys. He was 33 and nothing going on in his life, I asked "What really interests you?" and he could't even answer except "I really like to travel."
He whined and hinted around once that he wanted me to loan him the money to pay off his credit card debt (about $4000 at the time) and I totally acted like I didn't get the hint. He was sinking more every month and then started hinting about living together -- the only way he was going to get a decent place to live would be to move in with me. I told him it wasn't going to happen and broke up with him soon after.
At age 35, he spent several months searching hard for a girlfriend (effort he never put into finding a job!) and finally found one who clearly was lonely and must have thought he had "potential". I knew when he told me she owned a condo that he'd be moving in as soon as his lease expired, which was about 8 months after they met. Sure 'nuff, he moved in and she's been paying all the bills while he goes to grad school. He wouldn't even get a job in a coffee shop to help with the bills because he needed to study -- oh, and ride his bike and buy bike gear on her credit cards. She even puts their vacations on her credit cards. He finally found something he wanted to study and someone to fund him. He also was cheating on her (online sex chats with women all over, while he was supposed to be studying) even when they were living together. Ugh. I won't be surprised at all if he gets a decent career after his graduation and then dumps her for someone who doesn't know his past as a moocher.
Believe me, all moochers know they are moochers and have no respect for you because they know they can manipulate you. My bf was fun, intelligent, great connection, etc etc, great to hang out. I knew he was a moocher and set my boundaries on what portion I would pay of our meals out, etc. Eventually I got bored of being with the guy who had no money to spend and no self-respect. He turned into a whiner and felt sorry for himself all the time, it was pathetic. I cut the loser loose for a guy who had pulled himself up by his bootstraps, paid for his own education and grad school, and had a great career and plenty of self respect.
Don't sell yourself short and fall for that "oh, it's so hard to get a job" bullshit.
Jun 5 2006, 06:57 PM
mmm. the laziness is what gets me most. i can't respect a man who has absolutely nothing going on. even worse if he fills up his time with meaningless crapola like video games and sports (beer, pot, tv). yah, like those are worthwhile pursuits. uck.
it gets so i have so little respect for them that i can't respect myself anymore for letting them be around me, or respect myself for having sex with them. that's when the attraction dies and our sex life ends. if it's gone on for that long the dead sexlife usually ends it for good.
i'm a sucker for a pretty face and all that jazz but it doesn't go as far as it used to with me.
Jun 11 2006, 02:19 PM
I confess: I am also with a guy that takes a few jump-starts to get doing things. lilyblue, someone should coin your words.
It sounds like a lot of you ladies are just like me: independent, hard-working, ambitious, caring, and at times, easily taken advantage of. I have a daily calendar (that my boyfriend gave me, amusingly enough) called "For Women Who Do Too Much." Normally I would have been insulted, but I read the daily quotes and found them helpful, more than anything (all written by women, for women). The quote that landed right on my boyfriend's birthday (ironic, I know) was:
"Happy is the woman who knows the difference between taking care -of-, and caring -for-."
When I thought of it that way, it helped me to separate the things I help him do/do for him out of general affection, from those things that I do because he wasn't taking up the slack.
I've had to push him to get a job, buy a car, do his laundry, clean up after himself, help in making meals, fill out paperwork, stay organized, change his underwear (only half-joking on that one, heh), etc… and he was in the military! What I've found out is that he is just not strong in executive matters, and I... well, I can be the "bitch who must be obeyed" when it comes to taking care of business. *chuckles* It's all a matter of a Type-A personality in love with a Type-L (for laziness) one.
What advice can -I- offer? Hmm. If your significant other has the above issues that mine has, and you are as far opposite from them in that sense like I am, it's a personal choice whether you want to come to a compromise. If you use baby steps, usually it does work. I have actually had discussions about this with my guy, and this is basically what HE said: "Offer me something that I will really appreciate, such as not pestering me about doing (A.) quite so often, because the more you bug me about it, the less I want to do it. Then in turn I'll try a bit harder to do (A.). I may not do it to your standards at first, but eventually if we keep compromising we'll find a happy medium."
This works with chores, too. You'll pick up the stuff on the ground if he'll vaccum. You'll make the dinner tonight if he'll wash up and put away the leftovers. It sounds silly and rather obvious, but it has tremendously helped the health of my relationship, and undoubtedly others. He won't really know and really (I mean really) respect what you want unless you communicate in a way (compromise) that makes him feel less threatened, less talked down to, and more like it's also his idea.
So who wants to row this boat with me? *chuckles* Best of luck to you all, ladies!
Jun 19 2006, 04:26 PM
This was a huge part of why I am divorced.
I could never rely on him to get or keep a job. It put a huge strain on our relationship. We were always broke and not making it from paycheck to paycheck.
Jun 19 2006, 07:20 PM
I have a related problem which is that my bf won't mooch off me, yet he hates his job and wants to be a starving artist. So we have to keep our lifestyle to one he can afford, because we split everything 50/50. It's ok at the moment but I'm worried because he wants to save up, quit his (horrible) job, and live off his savings while he does his creative work. When he does that he is going to be so broke. I feel really anxious but at the same time I don't want to kill his spirit or try to force him to have a 9 to 5. He's not lazy - he works really hard on his creative stuff now and full time shift work. But he's not practical and has no head for money. I want to change our situation so that I can support him a bit without him noticing too much, but I'm still a student myself.
Jan 21 2013, 09:21 AM
pinkmartyr, i think you already know the answer.
Jan 21 2013, 09:23 AM
don't marry him! move out and see if he gets that electrician job and keeps it. buy him a book on personal finance and encourage him to fix his credit rating and start saving for retirement. if he gets his act together then you can reconsider marriage.
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