Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: Childfree by Choice!
The BUST Lounge > Forums > Friends and Family
Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62
turbojenn
humanist, I'm so sorry to hear that this issue has reared up just as you guys are signing a lease on a new apartment. All I can say is - hang in there. It's hard to be with a guy who wants kids - for the first oh....12 years of our relationship, turbomann was pretty clear that he wanted kids too. And maybe he still does somewhere in his soul. But, I've held firm over the years, and she who has the uterus wins. It came to real argument only once, and I asked him to choose - me or children. Well, we're still together, no rugrats, and I think he is more than content with the situation as time goes on. We were in the very same place that you are now at your age...and while it's not fun, give it time.

We do spend lots of time with our close friends who have two kiddos, babysit, and that seems to give turbomann the time he needs with kids. And both of us can see that the sheer economics of the matter really prevent us from having kids, even if we/I desired to do so.

Take care - and if you need someone to talk to, you know where to find me - and there's always a scoop or two of ice cream in the freezer for you. smile.gif *mwah*
girltrouble
(((((humanist)))))
that's a real tough one, and i'm sorry that you have to go thru it. when i met kitty she was resolutely CBC, but towards the last year of our relationship she changed her mind. i was hard because it really changes the trajectory of the relationship, and she got kinda baby crazy at one point. i had to think really hard about it, i don't hate children, it just seems like an awful thing to introduce into the kind of relationship that we had. we had built it on the idea of giving each other complete latitude to pursue our passions, and the other person would be supportive. with children, that freedom would evaporate. they become the focus, not our dreams, not each other, them. like i said, i don't hate children, i just never wanted to deal with them or their bs for 18-22+ years. dunno to me they seem like relationship vampires or leeches, who drain everything out of it. but if she wanted them, i'd go along with the program. i loved her so much. we never lasted, obviously, but last time we discussed it she seemed ambivalent. she has been dating the same guy for a while now...

perhaps the thing to do is to ask how important it is to him on a scale of 1-10, and why. does he feel like he'd be missing out on something, or...? i think star is right, that you can talk about it is a very good thing, and it bodes well for whatever choice you make. i also think that turbo has a great idea in having the guy spend time baby sitting. guys usually have no clue about the amount of work it takes, and if he is just watching tv while you do all the work, every time you do it....i think you know what conclusions to draw from that.

i think all and all you have to go with what some of the other busties said. the one with the uterus wins. you have to go thru all the work, your body has to deal with all the pain and changes, and no matter how supportive the guy is, unless he's anxious to quit his job to be a stay at home dad, the woman will be the primary caretaker. i've seen it 1000 times. if he can't take out the trash or do the laundry, what makes you think he'll be the first one to jump up to burp, wash or change a baby in the middle of the night. the woman's life gets usurped by the child while the guy does what he's always done. it doesn't surprise me guys have a biological clock. much like getting a girl pregnant in highschool, the blowback or responsibility is low for them married or unmarried. which makes me think-- the people in the CBC thread took a poll among couples w/children, how many hours would the father actually spend with the child as opposed to the mother? it seems to me that deck is still stacked in the father's favor.
thepointybird
Hi Spot-On, and welcome! You can feel free to vent your child dislike here, without fear!

Humanist, I'm sorry to hear that you're having these issues with your boy. This is exactly what I fear, falling hard for someone as you have done and then being hit with this. I hope you guys can work it out, you sound like you have a pretty awesome relationship so I'm hopeful for you. Please do let us know how it all works out.

Girltrouble, what you say about the woman doing the majority of child-rearing work totally rings true with me. A friend was just posting on her Facebook the other day about how her 3yo son had come into their bed during the night and kept her awake because he was squirming about and kept knocking into her and kicking her in his sleep. Someone asked "Where was K?" (her husband), she answered that he'd disappeared into the guest bedroom after half an hour of the kid getting in their bed and basically left her to deal with this squirming, kicking kid all night long. In spite of the fact that BOTH parents had to get up for work the next day. And believe me, I know her husband well and he's not even the macho, childcare-is-womans-work type, he's very much a hands on, modern kinda dad. But still the assumption was that she looked after the kid in the night. I can't imagine that being my life. I need a hell of a lot of sleep anyway and I am like an angry bear with a headache if someone wakes me up in the night, so the idea of that scenario just makes me shudder.....
spot-on
Thanks Pointybird, it's cool to know that I can vent of my dislike without feeling like I just grew a second head or being the wicked witch of the west!

It's true. child rearing is still seen very much as "womens work" and women do the majority of the child rearing in all the friends we know who have kids.

Girltrouble, you hit a chord with me in your description of kids as relationship vampires/leeches! That's exactly what they are. I have to say of all our 'couple' friends the ones without kids seem to have the strongest relationship with each other. I beleive that is because they take time to be with each other, care for each other and give each other space at the same time. Putting children before that ruins it IMO. So many of our "family couples" have split/divorced because once kids come along they stop caring about each other and focus on the kids. You nailed it!
designermedusa
humanist, that is a really hard situation. Mr. DM is really the first relationship that I've had where I would describe it as serious (I hope so, we are married), anyways we discussed being CBC before we got serious, and we agreed. If he had said he wasn't sure or he wanted children, then I would have had to end the relationship. I know it's easier said than done, but I know in no way would I ever want a child. I hope you and your boyfriend can work this out to where you both can be happy.

spot-on, welcome to the thread.

girltrouble, I also agree so much about the vampire/leech thing.

I don't mean to try to compare having a pet to having a child, but I feel that way a little bit right now. Mr. DM and I got a pug puppy that we both adore, but she is a puppy and therefore needs a lot of attention. The first couple weeks I found that I was taking her out for walks the majority of the time, and getting up really early everyday because she would whine. I finally was like f*ck this, and told Mr. DM he needed to get up early some days and needed to take her out more often. He agreed that he was being lazy, and then we both agreed this is just another reason why we would never want a child.
doodlebug
I think the whole "default caregiver" thing is one of the main issues that's kept me away from parenting. Something inside was screaming from the time I was a little kid that it was "unfair" that men and women have these different, disparate roles in the home. Maybe I was reflecting my mother's own deep, unexpressed feelings about it, I don't know. But there it is.

You know what I absolutely despise is this throwback thinking that having children together is the "ultimate act of love" between a man and a woman. What the fuck does that even mean? It's the ultimate act of biology between a male and a female, yeah, but how the fuck does that raise your love relationship to a "higher vibration" than mine, just because you've managed to do what any two mammals can do? Honestly, wtf?

Me 'n' Soulman are raising a metaphorical kid - a band, music, a career we are both passionate about - together. We're tight. Real, real tight. We have, basically, a business partnership, in which we strive for true equality on all levels, from hauling gear to creating promo materials to sharing lead vocals. We both come from the same place of true love and passion for music, and we share a belief in the healing power of music, as well as sharing the huge feelings of responsibility that come from that belief. Now, Soulman has 2 kids with his crazy ex-wife, and I don't see any signs of "higher vibration" between them, unless the vibration sounds like nails on a blackboard.
crazyoldcatlady
QUOTE
You know what I absolutely despise is this throwback thinking that having children together is the "ultimate act of love" between a man and a woman. What the fuck does that even mean?


yeah, what does that mean?? it sounds like some propaganda from the religious right "... a baby is formed when two people love each other very, very much. oh, and birth control will send you to hell."

it's almost kind of insulting, to say that you are incapable of reaching the apex of love because you choose not to participate in a pervasive human function.
it's also insulting to assume that everyone's definition of the "ultimate act of love" is the same.

my ultimate act of love would be changing my significant other's depends when we're old and grey and incontinent.
faerietails
((humanist)) i'm so sorry you're going through all that.

ditto on the "ultimate act of love" bullshit. i HATE when people tell me shit like that. also hate: "you finally know the meaning of your life," and all the variations it comes with ("the ultimate symbol of womanhood"). like seriously? fuck you. i don't need to shit out some crotch fruit to feel like a woman.

i subbed in a kindergarten class today. jesus. total affirmation of my convictions (not that i needed more affirmation).
sassy
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33555007/ns/travel-news/

Did you guys see this article about a mom and her 2-year-old being kicked off a plane because the child was being so disruptive? The comments include a lot of parents saying that they will never fly Southwest because of this...but if you pay a lot for a plane ticket, I don't think you should have to listen to a screaming child the whole time.
auralpoison
Okay. What I hate is the whole "kids will be kids" line. There are times & places for kids to be kids. Planes? Are not one of those places.

When I was growing up, my parents made damned sure I knew how to behave during grown up times: in churches, restaurants, offices, all manner of public places. There was to be no whining, crying, screaming, scene-causing or bullshit. Period. There would be hell to pay if there were. And this started EARLY.

I viewed being allowed to go to grown up places/do grown up things as a reward for being well behaved. I was allowed to ask for my own booster seat & order my own meal: fruit'cop'tail (I was three! What did I know of cock? LOL.), an egg roll, pork fried rice, & a 7Up with no straw. I thought I was money!

It was funny. If my gran & aunties took us kids anywhere, at least one of my cousins was beaten publicly. If my folks took us somewhere, the cousins were polite & nervous like whores in church. One of them even thought about doing something suspect my dad would toss a wicked side eye & it was over. Discipline.
sybarite
A few years ago, I moved seats on a longhaul flight because my assigned one was next to a family with five children. Their father essentially ignored them while their mother concentrated on the baby she was holding, so they ran all over the place. The flight attendants were hugely sympathetic to the other passengers and suggested a new seat for me (Thai Airlines btw if anyone's interested). Since then I have noticed small kids on long-haul flights have been somewhat better behaved--either their parents are more aware and/or they are sedating them for the flight.

Flight attendants have a bastard of a job. Imagine waitressing without the smoke breaks, or without being able to leave the premises. They have to deal with difficult people regularly, including children and their parents. I can imagine that kid must have been behaving pretty badly to warrant being removed from the plane, especially by Southwest who have a fairly relaxed attitude to their passengers in any case.

I posted here on this issue a few years back suggesting that people with small kids should consider simply not travelling with their kids. Small children get confused and sometimes panicked by flying, and certainly a baby doesn't understand why their ears suddenly hurt. Someone(a parent) responded at the time by saying that parents sometimes have to travel with kids unexpectedly, such as to a funeral. As in my own experience this seems to be less of a problem I'm somewhat less anti-kids on planes, but I still don't think it's ideal: just a lot of stress for the whole family.

(Next longhaul flight is in January, my fingers are crossed...)
candycane_girl
I think it's a bit of a stretch to say that parents just shouldn't travel with their small children. It really is the parents' responsibility to make sure that the kids are on their best behaviour. I flew to India and back twice before the age of 10 and was well behaved. I don't really remember the first trip because I was only 3 but on the second one when I was 8 I remember that my mom brought along things like magnetic chinese checkers to keep my brother and me occupied. Also, at that age you are small enough that you can actually sleep pretty comfortably in the chairs so I probably just spent most of the flight sleeping.
spot-on
I have to say that kids now aren't what we were like as kids back in our day. All my Mum had to say was "wait till you get home" and I knew that I shut up, sit properly and behave OR ELSE. She never laid a finger on me, the threat was enough. The problem today is kids don't respect their elders period. I can count on one hand the number of well behaved kids I've seen in restaurants/planes etc, and that includes friends kids.

Yep kids will be kids, but in a PLAYGROUND I don't expect the same behaviour when out in a public place where other adults come to relax. I remember once having a meal in the Natural Cafe with friends. One kid was running around the place, literally, around the tables. What REALLY annoys me is these parents are the first to complain when their kid falls over, trips, or gets injured from the kid behaving badly in public. No it's not the kids fault, it's your fault you crap excuse for a parent!

And good on the plane co for kicking the mother and her disruptive kid off the flight! A plane is no place for misbehaving children, nor is it a creche! Seriously I still say there should be a parenting exam before people are allowed to have kids!
candycane_girl
spot-on, I completely agree with you about the warnings. I was always threatened with spankings and that was enough to shut me up.

I really don't understand why parents allow their children to run wild in places other than playgrounds and parks. My parents did not stand for any of that bullshit. I also think that these parents freak out way too much if their kid does get a little injured. When I was growing up I always had cuts, scrapes, and bruises. It was no big deal, it was at least a sign that I was actually out running around rather than staying inside and being a t.v. zombie.
auralpoison
So Southwest apologised. The lady wants reimbursement for the portable crib & diapers she had to buy. I realize that I was precocious, but by two I was potty trained & I slept in a big girl bed.
pollystyrene
Jezebel had an interesting article about this today, "Does Society Really Hate Kids?".

thepointybird
I can remember being on a domestic flight in the UK, which really only took an hour or so, and this little girl who was around 5 was sat behind me, and she kicked the seat repeatedly, on and on, for the first 15 minutes of the flight. She was sat in a row with her brother and her mum, and her mum did nothing in spite of the fact that I kept turning round and catching her eye. Eventually, I just turned round to the child and said "Can you please stop kicking my seat darling?". She looked mortified, and stopped immediately. I later heard her mother hissing across the ailse to her husband about what a "cheeky bitch" I was. Excuse me? I gave her ample opportunity to step in and she did not, so what the hell else was I supposed to do? I was told way before the age of 5 that inconveniencing other people is completely unacceptable behaviour, so why is it beyond parents these days to also teach their children that? Like Spot-On says, I never had to be spanked, I just knew by the change of tone in either of my parents' voices that I was very close to crossing their line and if I continued acting up, oh yeah, there'd be some consequences. There is nothing wrong with disciplining children, it seems to have fallen out of fashion these days, but it needs to make a reappearance, and quick. Like we so often say in this thread, it's bad parenting that causes most of these problems, most children will respond to boundaries.
spot-on
See this is the problem with parenting today. If the parents don't discipline their kids they then get offended if you do, when it's YOU that is being inconvenienced by said kid. Sorry but I am usually the first to turn and tell off kids, especially in places like restaurants etc.

As an aside, why do parents think it's ok to take young kids into cinema showings clearly innapropriate for the kids age? I remember we went to see blade 2 (or 3 I don't remember which now the one where the vamps faces open up) and a Dad had his two kids with him. I'd say around 2- 4 yrs old max. Needless to say much screaming ensued and he took them out of the cinema (to his credit cos I was not gonna stand for that throughout the showing). But seriously a horror movie at 3?
candycane_girl
spot on, I remember seeing Saving Private Ryan in theatres and this woman was there with a group of boys who looked like they were about 8! I swear, some parents have no sense. I feel like a bit of a hypocrite because I saw certain movies that were way above my age limit but my parents didn't actually take me to the theatre to see them! It was usually more that I ended up seeing inappropriate movies at an older friend's house.
spot-on
oh I remember seeing movies before I was 'of age' but it was a rental either at a friends or families house. I don't understand the compulsion to take kids into adult movies (ie scary) then get annoyed when they cry/scream/act out. If you want them to see it that much, wait and rent it instead. Or if you want to see it yourself, pay for a sitter!
doodlebug
My mom says "the problem now is....." Well, I have to agree with her when she says the problem is today many parents want to be a friend to their kids, and they don't have either the courage or the power (or both) to step in and set boundaries, be disciplinarians, etc., because they have already set up the family for the friend dynamic....which is one of equality. Parenting is not about equality, because kids aren't developed enough for wholly independent choice-making.

I was never spanked, not once. Every time I hear an old timer say, "The problem today is people are afraid to hit their kids," I roll my eyes and reply that I (age 40) was never spanked. BUT, as others have said, I KNEW when my parents had set the line. I knew it.
auralpoison
Aren't children just really tiny little sociopaths? It's like that old episode of the TZ. The little kid can read minds/has telekinesis & he wants everybody to be happy, so everybody pretends to be happy. Or else. At the end he turns his dad into a jack in the box.
futura
Ditto on the long haul flights. Pointybird, the woman whispering you were a cheeky bitch...well who's the cheeky bitch here ezzactly? I mean ok, she was whispering, but children catch a lot more than adults think. So that's a heads-up for the kid, next time she bothers someone like that. Keep on doing it, because mama approves.

Two friends of mine, who are a couple, had a baby recently. I think they're dealing very well, and the mother is not the person to be totally baby crazy. I went to visit her and she had the hardest time feeding the little fella. I was there while she was feeding him and changing his diaper (i never outgrew the anal stage) and it just seems like so much work. She was so tired. I was also very curious regarding the birth details. She just told the whole grueling story (after making sure i wanted to hear it). My sis and i swap birth stories, she has a lot of friends who have kids, and she's younger than i am! While i am happy for them because they seem really happy with the baby, it's another powerful reminder that it's not for me.

Also, i have a friend, she wants wants wants a baby 'because it would be so much fun doing fun stuff when they are six'. She still kinda berates me for 'hating children', which i do not. I just don't think i have to talk all adoringly about children all the time because i don't think it's that special. That i'll never come see her when she will have a child because i 'hate them'. And she herself is afraid of going baby crazy. Instead of trying to let her think about her relationship (which is not that great, btw) i now just tell her to speed up if she wants any, she's 33. I'm not exactly mean to her, she's my friend, but come on, she repeatedly told me her sex life is rubbish, she never talks about her bf, he just doesn't come up in the conversation, and yet she wants a baby?
missladyj
we had some pretty in depth discussions about babies, how to raise them ( I said as Jews because I am Jewish and hubsand is not) whether or not to circumsize etc. all these issues about how we would raise our kids. They were some heavy talks and I'm glad we had them.

I was pretty on the fence the first couple years we were married and his position was always that the decision would be up to me. Even though he really didn't want to reproduce.


I have to say that it was hanging out in the lounge that helped convince me that I JUST DONT WANT A BABY! and I am really happy with that decision. So thanks Bitches!
thepointybird
Well, Missladyj, I think I can speak for all of us when I say - you're most welcome! laugh.gif x
turbojenn
Love it MLJ!!! I definitely think BUST helped strengthen my feelings about not having kids - you don't really meet a ton of people IRL (even in a big city) that are really willing to come out and talk about how they DON'T want to have kids - even though I think there are fewer families in cities, as it is so expensive, and suburbs are pretty much designed for the worship of small children. And it definitely helps that the Chitown Busties are such a core group of my friends, and so supportive of wherever we are on the kids issue. Much love to y'all.
stargazer
While I'm still on the fence with kids, I, too, am grateful for the Busties in letting me know there is another choice for me.

QUOTE(turbojenn @ Nov 8 2009, 04:53 PM) *
And it definitely helps that the Chitown Busties are such a core group of my friends, and so supportive of wherever we are on the kids issue. Much love to y'all.


Aw. Tear. Thanks Jenn! Same goes to you too! smile.gif
spot-on
Ain't that the truth!

QUOTE(turbojenn @ Nov 8 2009, 12:53 PM) *
- you don't really meet a ton of people IRL (even in a big city) that are really willing to come out and talk about how they DON'T want to have kids

koffeewitch
*delurks*
I actually have kids so I usually keep quiet in this forum. I guess I lurk because I NEVER wanted kids when I was younger and I didn't start having kids until I was nearly 30. It would probably be fair to say I hated kids in my very young days. So anyway, it doesn't bother me as a Mama when I hear women say that they hate kids or whatever. Looking back on it though , I DO wish I had been more aware when I was younger. WHen you don't have kids it's so easy to think to yourself "I never acted that way" or " if I had kids, my kids would never act that way". Now when I'm out in public and I see some poor woman with a child that is having a breakdown, I consider the possibilities. It is VERY likely that she is having a typical mother's morning of dragging her kid all over the city for necessary errands and grocery shopping (sometimes on our city's piss poor public transportation system) because she can't afford a babysitter or doesn't know a babysitter that she can trust and the kid has missed lunch and her nap, or has just been to the pediatrician's office for a shot complex from which she is running a fever and has been dragged about/standing in lines for 5 hours and has come to her breaking point. I see the poor Mommy embarassed and frustrated as hell and I go up and distract her kid with my jingly car keys, pat the Mama on the shoulder, tell her we all have our days like this. Inwardly I'm telling her: You are not a bad mom. Or a bad person. I've had these days, too. All mothers have. You are not alone.

Don't get me wrong: I have also seen some ignorant train-wreck of a mess parents who make me shudder and cringe. And if I am on a bus /plane and MY kid is kicking the seat of the person in front of him there will be hell to pay and he knows it. If he forgets (which he does at times) I am happy to remind him!
*relurks*
enfermera
i would really like to have kids some day, if and when the circumstances are right. since i don't know if that's ever going to happen, i love reading this thread; it helps me keep some perspective and appreciate being childless for the time being. thanks, ladies!

i really just stuck my head in to say that i feel like i am DROWNING in pregnant women right now, particularly in terms of facebook friends. i mean SERIOUSLY. it seems like every week somebody else comes out with the big announcement, or their weird shadowy blobby sonogram pictures. all i hear about anymore is food cravings, and sciatica, and fatigue. i don't post detailed descriptions of my autoimmune disease. or my menstrual cycle. or even my romantic relationships. i realize they're excited, but what's the matter with veiling things just a little? it makes me want to post snarky status updates, but i really love some of those ladies and wouldn't want them to take it personally.

[end rant]

sorry, guys, just wanted to vent a little. carry on.
koffeewitch
I know exactly how you feel, enfermera. It's just that pregnancy IS one of those special, magical amazing things that only happen a few times in one's life so pregnant women are temporarily obsessed with everything pregnancy-related. THAT SAID, the appropriate place for them to discuss such things is with one another. I try very hard not to bore my childless friends to tears with details and symptoms of my breeding issues.

ANd childless Busties, ENJOY yourselves. Stay up all night and sleep on week-ends. Drop some acid if that is your thing. Don't feel bad about your underpaid wage slave job because you are only supporting yourself. Love that you have only YOU to worry about right now. THis is a delicious, wonderful thing, do not take it for granted!! I have turned down a zillion concerts,parties, drug trips, raves since I had kids. True, I spent my entire twenties doing all these things and focusing on ME and I'm glad that I did. THose times were golden, is what I'm trying to say. SAVOR, Savor, SAVOR your life!
culturehandy
Emfermera, I too see the same thing on my crackbook pages. i've changed my home page so I see only things from busties and some other tight friends.

I do have one friend who is pregnant and I'm thrilled for her because she had very extensive fertility problems, and the pregnancy was a fluke. other than that, I block everything out.
crazyoldcatlady
QUOTE
i would really like to have kids some day, if and when the circumstances are right. since i don't know if that's ever going to happen, i love reading this thread; it helps me keep some perspective and appreciate being childless for the time being. thanks, ladie


you should check out the "maybe baby" thread; it's for those who are open to either opportunity. (or lurkers smile.gif )
thepointybird
Just had to post this because I know quite a few of the CBCers in here are also proud & happy pet owners. Sigh. Still waiting for the Guardian article about how having kids might not be the most environmentally-friendly thing to do.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2009...arbon-emissions

I don't have any pets, in spite of my huge desire to have a dog, because my living and financial situations do not allow for it. And I'm rather sick of being told that I am killing the planet by taking the occassional budget airline flight (excuse me that my family lives across a body of water from me) and by living alone (excuse me for not staying in an unhappy relationship for the sake of cutting down slightly on my emmissions). Now pet owners are getting this crap too? Can someone please calculate the carbon footprint of having even one baby? Seems to me like bringing another human life into existence might have even more of a substantial carbon footprint than keeping Tiddles or Rover for the 12-15 years they might live......
spot-on
Urgh seriously! Kids FAR outweigh pets on the ecological impact on the planet! The biggest impact is eating meat, they said in the article to feed pets "feathers and fur instead of horns and fins" but what about telling the owners to do the same, or go vegetarian to offset the pet impact? Kids impact the earth far more than kids, seriously! Plus it's all personal anyway. There are health/psychological benefits to owning pets! That has to outweigh anything.

I have 2 Dalmatians (see avatar) biggrin.gif
candycane_girl
Does anyone else find it weird when people already have a name picked out for their kid while it's still in the womb? I mean, I've thought about baby names but I always figured that if I were to have a baby, I would still wait to actually see what she/he looks like before deciding on a name. I don't know, it just seems weird.

Also, one of my friends (who got married and announced she was pregnant maybe three months later) keeps updating her status about someone in her family who apparently just gave birth! The status updates were like "new nephew A should be arriving soon" and then "we have a new nephew and now our daughter has a cousin to play with!" It's just too much, in my opinion. I don't care about your baby and I don't care that she apparently has a new cousin who is probably only an hour old.
angie_21
Just found out I probably have PCOS and may have problems conceiving, should I ever decide I want to. That will be a nice excuse to give my mother next time she asks about it! I agree this board is pretty awesome, and even though I mostly lurk, it's so nice to feel like I'm not completely abnormal or unwomanly for not being baby-crazy. It's been a long month of babies everywhere!

At work last week one of our girls left for maternity leave, and there's another pregnant girl in the office. At lunch the day she left, they talked about childbirth stories ALL lunch hour. And the best part is, the girl who was training to replace her confessed to me that she's infertile and never wanted to have kids, right before this conversation started. She looked so uncomfortable after that, and I felt so bad for her. Also I was bored out of my mind.

I've started to try to stop being terrified of children, especially with my friends' toddlers and babies. When we visit I'll spend lots of time playing with them and carrying them around. For me, it's nice because I don't think I'll be doing it myself one day, so I'd like to form some small bond with these children who are kind of nieces and nephews to me anyways. But man, when I do it everyone starts telling me how great I am with kids and giving me advice about nursing, baby-proofing my house, you name it! Can't I like kids but still not want to have any of my own?

My facebook homepage is generally reserved for my best friends and for acquaintances who post cool stuff (usually they're people I went to school with and they post awesome links about politics, science and atheism... and cute kittens) I am lucky that my friends who do have kids still believe in common courtesy and personal privacy, and only post a few genuinely cute photos a month. Otherwise, they assume that if you want to hear about their kids, you'll come over and visit!
culturehandy
That article pissed me off.

animals are NOT greedy consumers like people in the west, and I like how the authors go into the ecological footprint of very poor countries. What about the ecological footprint of Canada, China, the US. Please, talk about using a piss poor example to further your ideas. Dogs don't eat everything pre packaged, dogs don't drive SUV's, trucks or minivans filled with 5 children.

Ugh, ccg, I used to see that on my crackbook page, things like my little guy slept through the night! Bah, I think i'm going to change my next one to CH changed her tampon.

I went out for breakfast on sunday morning with the family, and my cousin was there with her kid, and he was a cute little guy, but holy crap, what a lot of work. You have to feed them, and dress them and and and, not for me thanks.
rogue
*delurks*

I'm of the same school as you all here - I definitely don't see myself having children and I have never, ever wanted them (and I get really pissed off when people tell me that "I'm still young and will change my mind when I fall in love/get older/etc." - uhm, no I won't, I've never [even as a child!] wanted/had any interest in having a child and who are you to tell me otherwise?!).

I just wanted to say to you CCG & CH, that I completely agree on the whole FB thing - holy crap, I don't need to read every detail of what Little Timmy and Little Susie did. I. Don't. Care. Or all the details of a woman's pregnancy - this one acquaintance of mine from school actually updated about the status of her cervix one day, SERIOUSLY! I was pissed. These people get hidden right away on my news feed. And I think updating about something equally disgusting would be awesome, CH!

I also agree with the pets vs. kids issue. There is no way that that is even remotely true. No way in Hades do my two furbaby-kitties make as much carbon emissions in their lifetime as a human being does. Whatever.

And! CH, I totally agree with you on the whole "kids being a lot of work" thing. I'm selfish. I know this already, and I'm glad that I do. The number one reason I don't want children is because I don't want to have to put them before me. When I come home from work at night I want to do what I want to do - read, watch television, write, listen to music, eat (or not eat) - I don't want to have to get home, make dinner right away and then give the kid a bath, read them a story and put them to bed. No thanks!

Rant over.

*relurks*
spot-on
The whole FB kid update pisses me off royally too. Seriously I don't need to know everytime your kid burps, farts, smiles etc. It's not funny, it's a actually a little pathetic that your whole life now revolves around your kid. I understand you love it more than life itself but it's like your friends cease to exist when they have kids. They lose their own personalities now they are 'a mom'.

I may start doing updates about my dogs. Dogs are farting alot today. Walked the dogs, we saw squirrels, they love squirrels. Or I may do what CH sugggested and do intimate posts about myself lol.

Honestly though if they post crap like that I tend just to hide them from my news feed, lol.
culturehandy
I think I should change my facebook status to CH took it up the ass last night. Satan's dick is smaller than thought.

I get that people want to share their children with the world, but not everyone wants to no about it.

Perhaps I shoud proclaim how childless I am and proud of it! I'm with you spot on, thank goodness I can block things from my news feed.
koffeewitch
*delurks*
You guys bring up something I keep wondering about facebook, myspace, etc. See, I don't have an account with any of those things and I don't see how they work. I live an extremely compartmentalized life. I have my homeschooling friends, my mom friends, my crafting friends, my feminist friends, my witchy heathen friends, my vegetarian friends, etc. ad infinitum. If my very Christian neighbor (who I really like a lot) ever read the shit I would put on a facebook entry, she would never, never speak to me again. Nor would any of my in-laws. How does that work on facebook? It seems like my kids and my pets would be about the most "neutral" thing I could think to write about. Doesn't EVERYONE live somewhat compartmentalized lives? What can you possibly put on facebook that ALL your friends can read? I've just been wondering about this. People keep suggesting to me that I sign up for facebook and I keep resisting mainly for these kinds of reasons...
*relurks*

rogue
I'm a weird one, KW - a lot of the statuses that I post on FB are song lyrics? Why? Because:

1. I like to be ambiguous a little more than I care to admit sometimes, and

2. I don't like people that I have on FB knowing a lot of shit about my life.

Also, seriously - when pregnant women on my Facebook post shit about their pregnancy/kids/etc., I get really, really grossed out, which is part of the reason why I hate hearing about it. This is because I have a bona fide phobia of pregnancy (and also because I don't like babies/children/etc.). People can think this is absolute bullshit but I don't care; I do things to ensure I don't get pregnant (always two forms of birth control whilst intimate and other things) and were I to ever become with child, I would get it out of me as fast as possible (and not by giving birth to it). It terrifies me. I tend to avoid pregnant women as much as possible - if I see one in public I try to get out of the way ASAP. I liken being pregnant as to having a parasite growing inside one's abdomen - no thanks! Like you, CH, I've contemplated posting really stupid shit like "I just got fucked so hard OMG!!!!" but I wouldn't want to torture the other friends that I actually do like on Facebook, hehe. The only thing I can really compare how much pregnancy updates gross me out to is if I posted (in detail) about my self-injury, which I would never, ever do (because it's inappropriate and not something anyone in my offline life knows about). But that would gross a lot of people out the way pregnancy updates sick me out, you know?

Most people on my Facebook just post things like, "Going to the bar tonight!" or, "Hanging out with my hubby!" (which is still bad cause I haaaate that word, hehe. But I think you know what I'm getting at. Like I said I post song lyrics, lines from literature/prose/poems/etc., that kind of thing. I don't need people knowing every detail about my life. It's just not for me. Now, if I like and trust you, I'll open up. But Facebook isn't the place for it (in my opinion).

Also to spot-on - I think we should do that. Constant updates about our furbabies. See how long it takes for someone to be like, "Uhm, WTF?!" about it. laugh.gif I also hide people on my news feed. A lot.

Okay, I think I'm going to stop lurking here permanently now.

candycane_girl
kw, I find that for the most part, while not everyone will care about what I say on Facebook, since most of my friends are actual irl friends, we're kind of on the same wavelength about a lot of things.

And I don't think I write anything too controversial. For example, my last few status updates were about 1. essays 2. the Muppets and 3. the local Santa Claus parade. All pretty general things that a lot of people can relate too.

The main reason that I complain about people always mentioning their SO or child/children on Facebook is because it's ALL they talk about. As if they have no life outside of their children. Take one of my fb "friends" for example (I put that in quotes because she's actually just some girl I knew in high school and was never really close with). Her last several status updates have only been about her fetus's due date, her current two children, and the first child's father whom she complains about for being a dead beat dad. She even refers to him as the sperm donor. Also, her user picture is just a sonogram of the kid she's currently expecting.

I know that having children changes people's lives but really, I don't care that your due date is 23 days away. I don't care that little Bobby or Susie is now a big cousin! And I don't want to see 57 new photos of your child for each month that he/she is alive (also, that is just stupid in terms of safety). And as for being pregnant, I really do not want 9 months worth of status updates about how strange it feels to be pregnant!
crazyoldcatlady
QUOTE
Doesn't EVERYONE live somewhat compartmentalized lives? What can you possibly put on facebook that ALL your friends can read? I've just been wondering about this. People keep suggesting to me that I sign up for facebook and I keep resisting mainly for these kinds of reasons...



the trick is friend groups and privacy settings, kw

all my besties know that "cat lady is hungover/currently drunk/thinking about drinking/other hedonistic sin here", but my acquaintances and quasi-professional fb friends just think i haven't been to my fb for a while...

QUOTE
The whole FB kid update pisses me off royally too. Seriously I don't need to know everytime your kid burps, farts, smiles etc. It's not funny, it's a actually a little pathetic that your whole life now revolves around your kid. I understand you love it more than life itself but it's like your friends cease to exist when they have kids. They lose their own personalities now they are 'a mom


my childhood best friend found me on fb, and her fucking child updates were RE FUCKING DICULOS, so i blocked her on my news feed so i wouldn't have to read about her stupid kids. (although i have to say, the following makes me more proud than embarassed: when she first sent me a friend request, i looked at her profile, and sent her a note saying "blah blah good to hear from you blah blah you have beautiful boys..." come to find out, one of them was a girl. yeah, shows how much i paid attention to your fucking kids.)

i don't know what's more irritating, people giving status updates about their kids shitting, or people giving updates about how god has blessed them today and they're off to watch glen beck.

two random side notes i have to throw out for my own sanity:

1. my own sister won't stop talking about how her 3 yo son hasn't shat in a week, and what she's tried/hasn't tried to get him to go. and then i get updates from my mom that he, in fact, went today.

2. is there an online dating site for dudes who don't want kids? or are those same dudes pretty much mythical?

QUOTE
And! CH, I totally agree with you on the whole "kids being a lot of work" thing. I'm selfish. I know this already, and I'm glad that I do. The number one reason I don't want children is because I don't want to have to put them before me. When I come home from work at night I want to do what I want to do - read, watch television, write, listen to music, eat (or not eat) -


amen, ch/rogue.
spot-on
THIS! This is the issue.

QUOTE(candycane_girl @ Nov 16 2009, 02:30 PM) *
The main reason that I complain about people always mentioning their SO or child/children on Facebook is because it's ALL they talk about. As if they have no life outside of their children.

I know that having children changes people's lives but really, I don't care that your due date is 23 days away. I don't care that little Bobby or Susie is now a big cousin! And I don't want to see 57 new photos of your child for each month that he/she is alive (also, that is just stupid in terms of safety). And as for being pregnant, I really do not want 9 months worth of status updates about how strange it feels to be pregnant!


It's not that I mind the odd update. It's that I mind constant updates about your pregnancy/kids. Surely other things are going on in their lives beside being pregnant? And besides other people they know being pregnant! (cos you know it's an epidemic!).

I have one friend on FB who I've only met once IRL, and we shared a room together at a convention. I like her but our lives are completely different. Her 'problem' isn't the constant kid updates, it's the bible quotes. One I could handle, whatever, but when she did them daily I decided to hide her from my feed.

KW - I find you do have to kinda filter what you say especially if you don't live the 'traditional' American lifestyle and especially if you have some of those traditional friends. I support gay rights and their right to marry and I'm sure I ruffled a few feathers when I posted "no on prop 8". But some things are just too important to me to keep my opinions to myself. But then I only posted ONCE and moved on. That's the issue. I didn't force anyone else to read the same thing day after day. I guess that's the arguement for me. I don't mind an occassional "oh we just had the 12 week sonogram" or "It's a girl" type stuff. But I draw the line at "the baby just kicked... again!" or "We fed Kyle peas today, he doesn't like them".

I occassionally post about my furbabies if something spectacular happens, like one is super sick and at the vets or something (thank goodness not often!). Otherwise they just get a pic in "my family" photo's and that's it.
spot-on
QUOTE(crazyoldcatlady @ Nov 16 2009, 03:57 PM) *
2. is there an online dating site for dudes who don't want kids? or are those same dudes pretty much mythical?
amen, ch/rogue.


Sorry they are a rare breed it seems, and getting rarer. Almost extinct I'd say. I did snag one though, so they are out there. If it's possible he's more anti kid than I am. He did say if ever I did accidentally get pregnant *shudder* it better come out with fur and bark wink.gif


On a side note for my own ramblings:

I have NEVER seen an ugly puppy, but I have seen some really ugly babies! And you wonder why I prefer dogs?
angie_21
wow.. I simply refuse to friend people on facebook that I am not close with and would not be comfortable with them knowing the stuff I choose to post. I keep my friend list at about 50-60 people max (including my parents lol), regularly trim out people I haven't talked with, and almost never post anything about alcohol, swearing, or sex. I'll post a lot of my political opinions, and if anyone doesn't like it, they can un-friend me, I don't care. But I just don't have any facebook friends that are "acquaintances" from high school. So when my friends, my real friends, post about their kids and babies, I am actually interested. I mean, that's kind of more what's intended, I think. I have a friend who lives very far from home and she posts video and photos of her kid on facebook so her friends and family, who are all missing out on seeing the kid grow up, will have an easy way to get updates on his life. That's not really all that bad of a thing. Actually, the thing that drives me nuts is friends who post 30 photos of themselves drunk at a bar every weekend. yeah no one sober needs to see you make a drunken ass of yourself any more than they want to hear how far their friend's cervix is dilated!
girltrouble
i always wonder why parents don't just start accounts for their children for them to post all that business. that way their friends who care about that can get a steady diet while the rest of us can just get the highlights.
candycane_girl
Oh, but they do GT! In fact they start the FB accounts not long after having a baby and then they make status updates from the baby's perspective like "I just went shopping with mommy!" It's truly horrifying.
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.
Invision Power Board © 2001-2014 Invision Power Services, Inc.