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sassygrrl
Oops. I was having a bad day (had a horrible interview), and ran into the ex at the library. We decided to go back to my house. Had this amazing sex, and now he wants me back. He started crying....

I think he was just realizing what a schmuck he was. I told him that I wasn't going to date anyone who didn't have a job. Or was responsible.

I don't know if I want a friend with benefit. I don't think he can handle it. It was good sex though.

I just realized that he is total freak, and wondering what I saw in him in the first place (besides the good sex). I mean he's lazy, has no job, no apartment, etc.

I don't understand why someone who had a good career, would give everything up to be a homeless guy?



frogger
we had a 'mutual' break up SO that we could remain friends while away at school
the whole friend think worked out for about five min. i kept getting mad at him
and now that im fine he keeps getting mad at me
damned if you do damned if you dont
jazmyn13
hey ladies, not to be a bustie police but thi whole thread should be over on Mooooovin' on. I don't know how to bump but we try not to creat too many threads. I promise you, there are lots of frustrated women on that thread; i'm one of them!
knorl05
i think moovin on targets specifically the topic of moving on and how to deal with it... this one addresses the issue of our ex's not letting us go, not letting us move on. i think there's a difference. i understand the need for moderation, but sometimes there are issues or concerns that we dont feel are being addressed in pre-existing threads.

so then is the best plan of action to run ideas by as the world turns before posting? thx.
knorl05
ps. that was an attempt to amend my error. ;)
autumn24
Yeah, this is an ex thread, and I like it this way... though I realize the two can sometimes mesh.

My ex and I are having WAY too much sex. Like, once every other week. He contacts me, calls me, asks to do stuff with me, text messages me constantly, DOES really helpful shit for me, tells me he loves me and that I've his favorite girl in the world and generally won't let go. Neither one of us are seeing or sleeping with anyone else. Granted, I'm not helping in the department because I keep responding to him, and sleeping with him on occasion, but am now thinking that I really really need to have the "we can't have this type of relationship anymore" conversation. We both can't let one another go. He ended the relationship two months ago, yet can't leave me alone. I haven't told him to, either. So it's just as much my fault, I realize. I feel like we're both taking advantage of one another.
katiebelle2882
hey autumn, what confuses me so much is that he seems like a good guy (from all that you have said) and part of me thinks that he really still has feelings for you. i know people ave been mentioning that hes just being a dick and using you, but i think that may be too easily dismissing his feelings. i am not saying that you should get back together with him, it was just kind of something that popped into my mind about the whole situation. either way, you need to do whats best for you, and i know you can do that!
autumn24
Katie,

Yeah, this is the weird thing with this guy: he IS a nice person, and I know he loves and respects me and that I'm one of his favorite people. The problem is, is that there is a GINORMOUS maturity gap between us. There's a slight age gap, but not really (he's soon to be 28, and I am 31, no big deal), but after almost 2 years of being with me, I NEVER saw him (he works 3 crazy jobs with a weird schedule, is in two bands) and just got so frustrated with his lack of BEING there and wanted more time with him. The more I demanded of him, the more resentful he got, the more he distanced himself from me, the more pissed off I got. In retrospect, I should have backed off a lot more and gotten into my own thing and not invested so much in the outcome of this relationship. And HE should have not been a dick towards the end and started being totally unappreciative and a cold asshole to me. Now, with space, of COURSE, he appreciates me once again. And with space, I can now see that I was being demanding of someone who honestly was giving it their all... just not MY version of it.

The dude constantly surrounds himself with friends and people and activities and barely has time to himself. I'm busy, too, but I could never go at quite the pace he sets himself at, so I always had plenty of time by myself, especially since he wasn't around much.

Sigh. It's just too fucking bad. The whole thing has made me totally question my conception of relationships and committment and all that junk. Especially since all my friends are either engaged or living together, and I was constantly comparing my relationship to theirs. When we broke up, my ex said he, unlike myself, didn't view our relationship as a failure, and he said, "for what's considered a successful relationship, one that ends in marriage?" And I don't really know the answer to that question. I guess for me, it's, one that doesn't end even though there are problems that can be worked on. I'm beginning to think that my relationship with him was all bad timing, or something.

It's hard to know what to do or what to say, when he text messages me with kisses and hugs and sweet dreams... the emotions are still there, but the desire to be in an actual relationship aren't because I feel, in some way, that we are falling back to old affectionate patterns that make it easy for us to not make that committment (ie sleeping together, etc.) He keeps saying everytime we're together and affectionate and I start to question things, that he doesn't want to confuse me or fuck with my head. I think we're doing a fair amount of that already, and it's not fair to either one of us. I'm thinking of telling him he can't send me texts anymore or contact me, but it's HARD. If we're broken up, we're broken up.
cstars124
I have a question for everyone!

My ex and I broke up back in August last year kinda unofficially when I moved to another state maybe only like an hour away. But he was an ass, and just stopped calling me (and he didn't have a phone so i couldn't even call him or anything). Eventually, when I did talk to him, I told him it was bullshit and I ended it. Since then, he's been contacting me via email and myspace and crap telling me that he still loves me, he's really sorry, and at one point, he even mentioned that he wouldn't mind getting together for a hook-up.

My feelings for him are pretty much dead. I can honestly say that I don't love him like I did while we were dating, esp since I found out that he hit on a few of my friends while we were dating (although he swears up and down he didn't). I definitely don't want to get back together with him AT ALL...but it's been almost a year and i've been booty-less...would it be soo bad to just give in and hook up with him, or am I totally setting myself up for trouble?

Sorry for the long post. Thanks!
msgoofball
there's trouble....right here in rivercity.....dum dum dum...sing with me.....

cstars124...why even bother....??? ex-asshat booty is no good. and any attention to pay towards him may come off the wrong way...ya hear me!?!? just my $.02.


sings...."a change...will do you good...."
knorl05
cstars124: he just stopped calling you? how disrespectful. even if you guys were only friends and not sleeping together, the least he could do would be call. it shows how much he cared then. sure he may realize how amazing you are now that you've cut him off completely .. but that's typical guy behavior and reaction. dont get sucked in. if you're looking for booty, you will have no trouble finding it. just consider what could happen to your heart down the road. dont give him the power or the upper hand. you deserve more than that.
pepper
AAARRRGGGHHH!! i had to see him the other day to get back some of my stuff (which he conveniently "forgot" anyhow) and when i was leaving he made air kisses at me and casually said "i love you" like nothing had changed at all.
WTF!!! we've been apart for three freaking months already, wtf. don't make kissy faces at me, just DON'T.
p_176
pepper - next time he blows kissy kissy at you, throw an inflatable doll at him.
platinumbetty
My ex-husband is calling me everyday. We have been apart for four years. He recently split with his girlfriend and has now decided he wants to get remarried. He has gone so far as to found a job I qualify for near him.

Why do some men play these games?
knorl05
platinumbetty: because men are just big boys who dont know which toy they want to play with. seriously, is it GI joe today or playstation? that's why if you really want to be with him, the best thing you can do is focus and invest in yourself. boys like him never change. they like a woman who is into her own thing and makes him work hard for her attention. i can say that he is working this hard to get you back because he doesnt have you. but once things settle back into the way they were before, it will end up the same way. you cant expect that he's changed, but you can change the way you interact with him. you decide what YOU really want, it's not about what he wants. this is your life, and he obviously feels lucky to have you in his. you have to make the best decisions for yourself.. if he benefits from that.. good for him.
platinumbetty
knorl05 - thank you so much. that is exactly what I think. He only wants me now until he would have me. He'll never change. You summed it up perfectly, and your point hit me like a mack truck.
knorl05
platinumbetty- of course, glad i could provide some insight.. ive got a lot of experience in this dept so its good that i can put it to use outside of my own life! the number one thing i've learned.. is that no matter what, do not allow a man to control your feelings. always maintain. if he wants to be with you great. if not, oh well.. he cant be controlled. when we try to make guys be something they are not, is when we find ourselves acting the fool. at least i've seen that in myself anyway. find yourself a guy that has the qualities you admire and want to be around.. look at him for who he is already. keep it simple and you'll find the guy who makes you happy.
edie52
Hey all... I've been away for so long, I've come crawling back cuz I need some advice!

Lately my ex and I have been seeing a lot of each other (we were together for a few years, broke up last year). He bought me an expensive gift last week and came over with groceries to make food together. Last night I went to his place and we watched movies on his bed and played piano. Anyway, I was finally at a point where I could accept that we weren't going to be together anymore and could do these things as friends, when a mutual friend let me know that he'd told her that he was still in love with me and was going to try to win me back. However, it was 2 months ago that he told her that (right after I left on a 2 month trip). I wish she hadn't told me that... now I don't know what to do... make a move, wait for him to make a move, talk to him about it, or try to forget it. I think he may have changed his mind, decided we're better as friends, as nothing's happened yet. I don't even know if I want to get back together- part of me wants to at least try again, maybe it could be different with a year of new experience and independence behind us. I definitely want to talk to him about it, but I don't want to make our friendship awkward and sad the way it was for so long after we split. And part of me wants to just put myself out there and do something really romantic.

Sorry for the ramble... hope someone out there has some advice for me.
psychicfemme
Hi Edie. Well, yeah, it's pretty clear he wants you back. My sense though is you're not really clear on your feelings about him and about the relationship. My question to you would be could this be maybe about the convenience of having someone familiar back in your life? I guess I'm not sensing that you're that into him, or feel too serious about things. It might be helpful for you to ask yourself a couple of simple, basic questions about the relationship. First, did you like who you were in the relationship? Second, were you a better person in the relationship than out of it? Hope that is helpful to you. Let me know if you'd like to chat more. smile.gif
edie52
Thanks for the reply, psychicfemme.

It's funny that you say it sounds as if he's more into me... it was always the other way around in the relationship, and he was the one who broke up with me. Now, I think we're both unsure to some extent... there's obviously a lot of love between us, and neither of us has had much success in dating since we broke up.

Those are really good questions... kinda what I've been turning over in my head since I found out about this. I like who I am better now, and feel like a better person in general, so I guess that should be my answer, right? Well, things are rarely that simple... since we broke up I've become more independent, more ambitious, and learned to focus more on my friends and myself. My life is generally more balanced, though far from perfect. I guess what I'd like is if I could retain that and be in a relationship at the same time. My big question is whether it's possible to get back together and not fall into the same patterns.
bella coola
Hi there edie, please pardon me for BUSTing in!

Just reading about the person that you have become - perhaps that's why he's pursuing you now. You've realized who you really are, and so has he - and he's like, 'whoa!'. Awesome! I would think that you could remain that person and still give another go with him. Anything's possible, right? Just make sure and stay true to yourself. If anything doesn't quite feel right - don't do it! Or at least step back and take a closer look at what's in your best interest. Keep doing things that make you happy, and go ahead and share that happiness with whomever you deem worthy.

*steps off her soapbox and gives a little curtsy*

Pleased to meet you. Hope you enjoy your friendship and whatever comes of it smile.gif
girlygirlgag
I have always been really cautious with myself and friends about getting back with an ex.

I would weigh why you are notgetehr in the first place, because sometimes there is a BIG reason, which may be masked by the fact that everythign is so great right now.
bella coola
I totally agree with GGG. There was a comedian that compared ex's to sour milk - he said that dating an ex is like putting sour milk back in the fridge and then taking it out later to see if it's good. Ha

But people change. Ask your gut!

Someone should really hide that soapbox from me
gypsyraven
My ex actually had the nerve to send me a cheap walmart diamond ring in the mail the day before my wedding!! He let me go so he could travel greener pastures, believing I was so crushed that I would wait for him. He never showed any interest in getting back together until he seen I was moving on. Now where I have gone with this, Edie, you have become a new person and you seem to like this person. Why would you want that reminder of who you were? I say, look to the future. Chances are, he sees the changes and wants to try and pull you back. My 2 cents.

And that was not an insult, I am sure you were a lovely person, but you seem very content with where you are now.
pixiedust
So true gypsyraven! I was with the man before Mr. Pixie for a long time. And he kept pushing for us to not date exclusively and to date other people. So I did, and tehn he'd change his mind and want to be exclusive. rolleyes.gif Then we had a discussion about where we were heading, and we were looking in two different directions. We could come up with a workable compromise, so we decided to end it. But as soon as Mr. Pixie and I got engaged(it didn't take long) He came running back telling me how he had decided he wanted to marry me, he had told all of his friends and such. I used to love this man with my whole heart, at one point there was nothing in the world I wanted to hear more than those words. But to see him there grasping at what he couldn't have just repulsed me beyond belief! Some people only want what they can't have. And once they have it, lose interest and go searching for teh next big thing to conquer.
tempest
Edie, just my two cents....

I had an ex that would pop up once a year, for seven years, wanting to get back together. In fact, he just did a few months ago, and was none too happy to hear that I had gotten married. rolleyes.gif The reason he was doing this, I finally figured out, was that the time we were together happened to coincide with a time when his life was pretty easy and he had a plan of what he had always thought his life should be. Once he started questioning that plan, and began to figure out what he truly wanted and who he was/is, he started running into the difficult work of changing his situation and mindset. He did not want to do that work, and so would latch onto me as a a symbol of a time when he didn't have to. I wasn't important; he just wanted things to be simple again. Now, he would tell me things like he still loved me, I had set the standard for any relationships he'd had since, etc, etc, but ultimately, he would shy away from the work of forming a new relationship between the people we had become.

I'm not saying that's what happening with you and your ex; I just remember how it felt to be pursued by someone who would not see that I was different, that he was different, and that life changes and new challenges must be met, not ignored in favor of an illusion of what was.
knorl05
yeah edie, i agree with what bella said. i've found men are most attracted to women who have their own identity and their own mind. i got all wrapped up in my ex and began acting out of character and getting all possessive. that just wasnt me and i didnt like the me i turned into. so i broke it off. and he freaked out, and then he moved on.. and i thought we were ready to start it up again but he would consistently tell me he didnt want to date anyone. said he didnt want a girlfriend. but then we'd hook up and he'd push me away.. and then we finally got to the point that we were just cool.. you know real good friends. and now i can tell he really values me and appreciates me, which is something i questioned while we were together. and i know it has a lot to do with the fact that i'm returning to the me i was before we started dating, the person he was most attracted to when we met and the person i feel most confident in. as far as us getting back together, i really do think he's my soul mate (although i know that sounds uber romantic).. simply because we have this bond that i've never been able to establish with anyone else. and i dont ever want to. so in order for us to remain close, we really have to listen to each other and decide what we want from each other as people. we've got to look at our own lives and figure out what is necessary for us, not what is most traditional. so i'd say, follow your heart but also dont get so wrapped up in it that you ignore your head. do what's best for the situation and i would say it should all work out just fine. ;-)
edie52
Thank you all for the avalanche of thoughts and advice! I think you hit the nail on the head (though I wish someone would hit my ex on the head) knorlo, when you said that your ex started to want you back when you started turning back into the person you became before you started dating. When we were together I got very jealous and insecure- part of it was just a side of me that I'd been keeping to myself before we got together, but part of it was created by the conditions of our relationship. My dependance on him was probably the biggest reason for the breakup. I'm scared of that happening again, so I'm not going to do or say anything, unless something is said or made to happen that makes it clear that we should be back together. I hate being so passive like this, but it's so easy... and makes sense right now. I should just continue on the way I have been, as it seems to be working.

The shittiest thing is actually knowing that he was thinking of getting back together, and now he doesn't seem to be... makes me wonder what he's thinking, what made him change his mind... I'm just so curious about this man and what he wants, what he loves... always have been.
knorl05
edie: yeah totally. i was never a jealous girl before him..i figured if a guy wanted to be with someone else, i wouldnt want to be with him anyway. but it sucked because he's a cute little dj/drummer/artist boy who loves getting attention from attractive females. and when he sits there acting all cute pretending he doesnt know what he's doing or what the females are doing.. it's hard to remain secure in the relationship. i found myself becoming more like him and supporting his interests just so we'd have more common ground so that there would be no reason for him to look elsewhere. but i've discovered, fundamentally, this is just the type of person he is. and it doesnt make him a bad person, and it doesnt make him an unfaithful boyfriend.. but i do feel it is unnecessary. and so -whatever- we dont really work as boyfriend/girlfriend. we're much closer being friends anyway.

so you're being passive in the current situation with your ex, but what else can you do? dont be hard on yourself. it's ok to lay low and see where things stand and figure out for yourself what you want. worrying about his thoughts (which is what i've done many times with my ex) can become a huge distraction from your own thoughts. you'll never really know unless he communicates them to you. it's hard to be in that questionable middle ground, but it can be fun too. i've taken the opportunity to learn new things about him as a person, independent of my relationship/interaction with him. trying to remain as objective as possible, has allowed me to appreciate him more for who he is, rather than what i hope to gain in a relationship. stay confident and strong, and follow your own intuition of what's necessary for your situation.
caroline_no
good advice: lay low and see where things stand and figure out for yourself what you want

my ex is totally mental, i think. he's been chasing me but i am 99% sure he now has a live in girlfriend- i'm so glad it's not me!! (he asked me to move in 1 month into our relationship which seemed so weird to me. like, why would i when i have my own place and live pretty close anyway?) he still tells me he loves me and wants to be w/ me but when we are together now (and don't ask me why we sometimes are, he doesn't deserve anything fom me), he never asks me anything about myself and never even seems interested in what i have to say. why would i ever go back? i have told him i am not interested in being w/ him anymore but soon, we wind up exchanging emails and are hanging out. I am embarrassed to say we have had ex-sex. yuck.

i met someone recently who is funny and fun and cool and listens when i talk. nothing major has happened between us (just a few dates, a few good night kisses) and i plan to take this very slowly. when i am w/ him, i realise that the ex is such a jerk! but that ex is still in my life (he's a big nuisance) and i haven't told the new guy about him or if i should right now?..maybe i should lay low to see where things go w/ the new guy?

i have to ask myself why i have seen the ex (i think b/c i had nothing else going on) and how i can stop? any advice on staying strong?
p_176
my exfiance is extremely passive aggressive. he won't answer direct questions, especially if it's about something he should have done (like change his address with mva so his mail won't come to my house anymore).
the ex and my new guy met each other last week. it was more awkward than i thought...now i am afraid the new guy is more upset than he will let on - i think he's nervous that i will get back with my ex - but the main reason i still talk to my ex is because we have a a bit of unfinished business - that will take about a year to resolve:-(
i've never been in this situation before - how can i assure my new guy that he's the one i want to be with now?
knorl05
caroline_no: advice on staying strong.. get yourself into something new that has nothing to do with a relationship. redirect your attention, discover a hidden talent, get into You. examples could be, take a arts/crafts class, join a book club, get into yoga, start going to plays, become a mentor, join a church, get a side job, learn a new craft.. something to really connect you to the core of who you are. good luck smile.gif

p_176: my first thought? is to do something really amazing for him in bed, something you wouldnt normally do.. like act out one of your fantasies with him. but that doesnt mean you have to rely on sex to get close.. you could share something intimate with him to let him know that you trust him enough to invest more of yourself into the relationship. i mean, he may still be insecure over the relationship, but you cant control that. as long as you know where you stand, that is all that should matter. he'll get over it once he realizes he's being irrational and jealous. i would imagine..
p_176
hey all - having activities outside a relationship will definitely help [you] stay focused on who you are without a boyfriend. the guy i was talking about earlier (thanks for your feedback, knorl) - i have since had a falling out with him - we decided to not date seriously, but yet he would react to everything as though he was my boyfriend, which i was certainly not going to tolerate. so am in the process of getting to know some new folks but am making very certain that my priorities, as far as my self (personal time), family and my closer friends, are in set order.
my exfiance is still being relatively passive aggressive with me, and he knows why we broke up (he finally agrees that we make better friends than we do a couple)....it still hurts a little bit - loving someone so much and then the relationship is not right and does not work out; it also sucks big time that he knows he is passive aggressive, and he knows that i would consider his criticism as a way to self-develop, but he does not think my criticisms of him are important enough to do anything about - but i know that that is his problem (being passive aggressive) not mine, and all i can do is be the best person i can be.
sorry to ramble....i am just thankful every day that i am single and successful, instead of settling for someone who is not a good partner for me.
edie52
Hey guys, I'm back (2 months later), and nothing has changed in my situation with my ex! He still buys me presents and we hang out and laugh tons and it feels great, but then he becomes distant. He's really messing with me. Maybe I should just try to forget about him.

The weirdest thing that happened, though, is that he found out that I hooked up with our friend's brother recently, and our friend told me that he was really upset when he found out... so I called him on it, and he was totally cheerful and denied even caring. Which I was totally not ready for. I was expecting him to admit that he was upset (although he technically has no right to be), and for us to talk about what's been going on with us lately. But nope.
Kalevra
Take this any way you want to Edie......*suggest a pinch of salt, and dash of tequila*

QUOTE
he was totally cheerful and denied even caring


Nah, it is EATING.HIM.UP!

He will never say so though, because as you so rightfully pointed out, he has no right to be upset. So he takes the next route.....to make you feel like your 'I can get any guy I want, including your mate'-response seem insignificant, and it worked. Here is the proof...
QUOTE
Which I was totally not ready for


All men are bastards, and I am their King ....*and their Judas for revealing male sentiment on a feminist forum* tongue.gif laugh.gif
knorl05
QUOTE

All men are bastards,


i soo disagree*
Anita18
QUOTE(Kalevra @ Oct 5 2006, 09:27 AM) *

All men are bastards

LOL, neh, I would say that all men don't really know what they want. wink.gif Which then leads to confusion in relationships, but that's kinda how it would naturally progress...
knorl05
i think that's unfair to say. i do believe guys know what they want, it's just that what they want isn't really feasible. *generally* they want an amazing woman who will adore them and let them have what they want when they want it.
Kalevra
I admit, I had said that based on the neverending battle of the sexes, and the humorous assumption that men are the root of most trouble in the world of a woman. I certainly never expected the responses that have been supplied... mellow.gif



QUOTE
they want an amazing woman who will adore them and let them have what they want when they want it.


this is true.....thats the undeniable truth, I have to admit, personally....but it is not realistic, and most/all guys know it....

I do not want a subserviant partner, I do not want a slave, I do not want someone at my beck and call, .....thats not what men want. Maybe some men do...?...anyway, hope I didn't open a can of worms here..

unsure.gif

knorl05
way to derail kal :-P

playin

i'm just sayin. i like to throw my two cents in every now and again cos i been around and seen some chit.

soo. anyway. the ex's. yeah. they're intense. mine and me been good as of late. i've decided, there's a whole huge world out there that has absolutely nothing to do with my ex. i'll enjoy him for now, but i've got my eye on My Life, not his.

ps.

"amazing" = her own entity
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