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midgemcgrath
sarah--

you might want to try posting about this in the "our bodies our hells" forums, there is a thread on depression there, maybe you will get some more responses...

(welcome!)
sixelacat
*bump* for datagirl
datagirl
I'm so glad that this thread has been resurected.
Thankyou smile.gif
Self harm is an insidious complusion and as I have found out much about my families abusive history recently,it has brought on my need to self harm.I pushed the memories and feelings down a long way and now I
feel like I need a release.I am trying very hard to do alternate things to quash the compulsion,but it's difficult.There are alot of busties who used this thread and I know that it was a lifesaver for me.
Peace to all busties. smile.gif
cloverbee
I used to self-harm in my teens and so I know how it is so if anyone wants to talk about it i'm here just shout out.
kelkello
I used to be a cutter and still would be if I wasn't in therapy. I don't cut anymore, but I do hit myself because that doesn't leave marks (usually). It's a serious compulsion, datagirl; I understand where you are coming from. I held everything in for the past 32 years and now the floodgates are open. I cut myself a month and a half ago, and I vowed not to do it again. I hope I can keep that vow. If I don't, I will be disappointed in myself, my therapist will give me more homework, and my boyfriend will dump me. However, when frustrated and feeling out of control, I still scream, say ugly things to myself, punch walls, kick things, and hit myself.
datagirl

I'm just single and everything is hard.Turning 30 next year is hard.Seeing happy couples with kids is hard.Knowing that this time last year I was engaged and just about to book the most beautiful venue is hard.I broke my glass ring at work the other day and I just like to have it on my desk.That's what scares me. Like that object is a safety net for it all just being too hard and not having acomplished anything.
kelkello
Datagirl,

I know how you feel about having a safety net. I always make sure I have enough of my medication on hand just in case I wanna go comatose. The only reason I don't cut anymore is because I know it would end my relationship. I've just turned the urge into rage. Not good.

It is fucking hard. All of it. And everyone always says, "It's supposed to be hard." But how does that help? Yeah, life is hard. We all know this. Yeah, life isn't fair. We know this too. But it doesn't stop us from feeling pissed off and from wanting to lose it sometimes. What I've been doing lately is asking myself what it is that makes me angry and want to hurt myself. It's very rarely me. Usually, it's me reacting to someone else's jackhole behavior. I then blame myself and go to cutting. I've started looking at what is driving the urge. When you feel that urge, ask yourself who do you really want to punish? Do you want to scar your flesh because you did something really wrong? Or do you want to do it because some idiot in your life doesn't know how to be a human so you feel the need to punish yourself?
datagirl
You hit the nail on the head Kelkello.
Hell is other people.And self harm is all about punishment.For me anyway.
I punish myself through sex,through worry,through alcohol.The question is,what makes me such a fucking bad person?Nothing.I work,I pay taxes,I'm kind to animals.I'm
not always kind to my fellow adult human beings though ( verbally),but they can stick up for themselves.
Maybe this is why I punish myself.I'm just too everything.Too overbearing,too insane,too opinionated,too emotional.
Hugs to you Kelkello ((()))
We are all in a similar boat. sad.gif
lucizoe
word, kelkello.

I haven't felt the actual urge to cut until last week...for like, over a year it's been now. Sheesh. I punched the hell out of my leg instead.

Why does my brain hate me so much?

I have 8 tranquilizers left. I had 10, but classes started this week and I've been out of college for two years, going back as a freshman, felt like the biggest loser in the whole damn world because everyone else is 18 and probably mega-talented whereas I am a 24 year old hack. So I lost it on myself. Full blown panic attack, holding a razor against my skin, wondering if there's any place on my body Mr.Luci wouldn't notice...

Bad.

((((busties who need hugs))))

hmmm

((((myself))))

maybe I just seriously need to verbally go off on the people pissing me off. I may look crazy yelling in the street, but hey, who cares?
cloverbee
sometimes I think it's about realigning our priorities. lucizoe, i went to college at 24 and come to find out, employers and grad schools respect someone older and often prefer them to younger people b/c of our life experience.
i sometimes punish myself and i used to hit and cut myself too. i've been drunk and just kept taking pills to see how many i could take. like it's a challenge. but it's soooo cathartic. it feels good. the anger melts into fear which is so much more bearable and then it turns to power which is what we all crave.

i am not out of the woods yet. two weeks ago i was sure my life would end in suicide. i am not crazy. i am human and i see the human in all of you. it's just a coping mechanism in this fucked up world.
okay, i'm done. maybe this should have gone in the inebriated ramblings section???
sixelacat
That's just so right on, cloverbee. I stopped cutting 4-5 years ago, after some agonising re-evaluations. I had to consciencely decide that I couldn't care about what my family (esp. my Mom) thought, good or bad. So very hard to accept that even praise from the person I most wanted to love me and didn't couldn't mean anything, if I was to keep my sanity and survive. (somewhat badly put, I hope that made sense).

I still think about suicide now and then when things get stressful. I don't think that thinking about it ever goes entirely out of the picture if you've attempted it. It's always in the back of my head as a last resort, not the first now.

I still haven't ever thrown out my kit, though (razors, cotton pads, hydrogen peroxide, neosporin).
kelkello
I was pretty sure that I was going to have to kill myself two weeks ago while waiting for my HIV test results. Because I was terrified I gave it to my current boyfriend, a father of four. How could I live with myself after giving a disease to the very loving father of four daughters??

What makes us believe in our "badness?" What is it that leads us to think that the scope of normal human emotion is "bad" and therefore needs punishing? I'm asking because I do it all the time. I have to constantly check myself and say, who am I mad at here? It is so cathartic, you are all right, to scream and cut. It's pain that I can deal with. It has a face. Whereas the internal pain has no face, makes no sense, and I can't make it stop.
datagirl
Last night I cut and today at work I'm covering up my wrists like it's my little secret.
I feel like I've digressed back 3 years.Last night was the first time I'd ever self harmed sober and it's
scary.I feel so very bad,yet proud of the cuts,like at least I had the courage to do one thing properly.
Like last night I made a decision.I feel hot and cold,laughing then crying.Something in me wants to do it again though.Before summer comes anyway.But mostly I just feel very dissapointed in myself.
kelkello
Datagirl,

I'm so sorry you had a cutting episode. It does always feel like a step back. I'm sorry I haven't checked this thread recently. I know what you mean about feeling proud of the cuts. It's a shameful pride for me. I cut on my legs and belly because I'm a teacher and I can't have them anywhere where the kids might see them. But I know they are there, and that's enough. I haven't done it in over 3 months and I keep saying I never will again. I hope I am telling myself and the few people I've told the truth. When I say it, it feels like the truth.

About wanting to do it again: try not to. Kick and scream. Smack yourself if you must. But don't scar yourself anymore if you can help it. I don't know you, but I know enough about humans to know that they can do more properly than just cut themselves. You are a human. You deserve respect...from everyone else, but especially from yourself. You are not bad. You don't deserve this.
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