Venetia, very wise words! Well-said. I'll be thinking about that for a while!

at the same time, i feel like he would be being a "good" boyfriend by trying to hard to have sex with her for her own sake, and who wants to have sex ALL the time with someone who doesnt want to, or is doing just out of the goodness of their own heart. not me for one! nothing in the world could make up for the fact that my SO didnt want to have sex, nothing. i dont care how nice the guy is. maybe thats mean of me, but if its something that is important to you, i feel like you will end up resenting the person in the end, no matter how great they are otherwise.

katiebelle,

I agree. This is not about sex. It's about what's important to one person and what's important to the other. I feel guilty when I don't want to put out for Mr. Pug. He feels guilty that he doesn't have a romantic bone in his body. We get along cause he can do without sex and I can do without romance. I accommodate him with sex occasionally even when I don't want to and he accommodates me with flowers or slow dancing even when he doesn't want to. Like I said before. You have to give and take.

Sex is like going to the gym. You don't always want to get up to go but once you are there and it's over you're glad you did it.

exactly LMP! you both make compromises!

I didn't know where to post this so here I am

I have been married for six years and last night realized how familiar hubby is with my pussy. After sex he asked me if I was okay. I said yes. He said it felt different. I went to the bathroom to check it out and sure enough I had left a tampoon in and forgot it was there. I tried to remove it and then figured I would just make a doctors appointment and they could remove it with tweezers as this has happened once before. But hubby volunteered to go on an excavation trip to see if he could get it out. So he dug around a little and then said now you go try and sure enough I got the dammed thing out.


if that is not love, I don't know what is. It just cracks me up thinking about it. I am a lucky woman.

*delurking*

lucky indeed missladyj! that's called great communication.

communication is key to any relationship. most issues with sex are based in difficulty communicating between partners. sex is just the act it is exemplified in.

in my last LTR, the conflict between us really showed in our roles in bed. she resented me taking the lead out of bed. yet, at the same time, wanted me to take the initiative in bed. confusing. in the bedroom was where i wanted to feel vulnerable allow myself to let go. very different views. i didn't like to take control of things in our everyday life as well. i became really sexually turned off from her. sex just became another demand from her of me. and she would get jealous when she would find out that i masturbated and didn't wait to have sex with her. but, she was just whiny and demanding...and i just didn't want to be with her anymore.

so, as i read through this thread. maybe some of you in relationships can think about your roles outside of the bedroom because you are more than likely enacting those roles in different contexts.

missladyj~i need to find a man who will take care of me like yours! i'm envious.

You're definately a lucky girl, misslady! My guy is great like that too. I feel almost blessed to have ended up with him.

Miss Lady, what a guy!! Seems like something my ex-hubby would have done! (sometimes I wonder why we split)

Anyway, I've been in a relationship for ten years and, I'm getting a decline in my desire. Either that or the boy is getting a peak. Not sure which it is.

Four times per week? I dunno what's normal and what's not.

Regarding the orgasm thing...I've never been able to have an orgasm with a partner. Or with a vibe. Or manually. The only thing that does it for me is, erm, my bathtub faucet. Hard to duplicate THAT!

I do still enjoy sex, though, once it starts. I enjoy the closeness.

I'm a dweeb.

For what it's worth (not much, IMHO), I believe researchers say that sex twice a week is "normal" among married and cohabiting people.

wow, i think i have sex like, once a week, maybe twice. we are always tired or busy doing other stuff (lame, right?). i've realized that we need to make sex a bit more of a priority, and even if we are tired, we gotta make the effort, cause it's worth it.

also we don't live together, so we only see each other on the weekends and maybe one weeknight when we are both exhausted.....bleh.

i think it'd be muuuch easier if we lived together and without roommates-so much more room for spontanaeity (ok i know i spelled that sooo wrong but i've gbeen staring at it and it doesn't even seem like a word anymore)

Well, maddy, four times per week is pushing it for ME. It's more the boy's drive.

And I'm tired and fighting BV (sex seems to aggravate it) and it seems I never have time to heal.

I'd be quite happy with once every week or so. Meh.

[size=7][b][color=#FF0000]WOW!

yeah, i'm pretty happy with once/twice a week. possibly it'll change when we live together, but for now it's weekend sex, for the most part.

anywhere from 1 to 3 times perweek. I think most people ( married or cohab) have sex much less than that which would make me cry. Once a week, believe it or not is above average

I am engaged to my best friend and we love each other so much. We have sex almost every day, sometimes (if we have time/in the mood), we'll do it two or three times a day. But usually just once a day. We are not addicted to sex or anything, and we defenitely do much more than just sex-related stuff; we just have a very good sex life, and a very healthy relationship, and I guess that we just synchronize in sex drive also! Which is always a good thing!

I too am engaged to my best friend. We had about eight years there were we were lucky to have sex one a week. We thought it was opposite sex drives. We read books and even went to a therapist. We always thought we communicated well and we just didn't want it at the same times. As it turns out, we really weren't communicating. He had lost the edge, the sexiness that he used to have. He expected to just roll over and me jump on and a few thrusts later we're asleep. I finally told him that I wanted him to "take" me the way he used to. To not "ask" for it so much and just "tell" me what he wanted. It's totally turned things around. I find him so incredibly sexy now. He seems stronger and more masculine. I love it. He's so hot I can't be near him without touching him. We were having sex there almost everyday, sometimes twice a day. It was borderline distracting. I just started a new job and so the last week has died down some with much disappointment. But there's always Saturday and Sunday right? I am happier mentally, physically, emotionally and sexually now that my man has taken control. It's just what we needed. I can’t tell you how disappointed, frustrated and hopeless we both felt for the longest time.

So basically my relationship went from sex almost three times a day, to once a day, to once a week, and now im lucky if i get any twice a month. He says "I'm not a sexual person, so from now on you can control our sex life" well it turns out that that doesn't really work out because whenever im in the mood he looks at me with these eyes that says dont make me do it. i end up going into the next room and wonder why he doesn't want me, we're still in our first year, this should be the exciting romantic sexual part of our lives together, and instead it feels like we're on our 50th anniversary... i repeat... we're still in our first year... and sometimes we dont even sleep in the same bed. When i confronted him about it , and threatened to leave because im unhappy, and depressed, he held my hand said dont go then went to bed. im waiting for an improvment to happen but im still not seeing it... how long do i wait till i just cant take anymore? maybe everything else is picture perfect, but our sex life is a disaster. and normally i would be proud to admit that our relationship isn't based on sex, but this is getting a little rediculous.

Danilu, have you and your partner considered seeing a therapist, perhaps someone who even specializes in sexual issues? I certainly do not thing there is a 'normal' or 'acceptable' number for how frequently people should be having sex in a relationship. However, there is an issue when one person clearly wants it more than the other...and that could be something to discuss with an unbiased, professional third party.
I think after a year or two, sexual desire wanes in a relationship, but that doesn't mean that one person should 'settle' if he/she is truly unhappy.
For me, sex pre-serious relationship/cohabitation/marriage was much different/more thrilling than it is now, after three and a half years together. That does NOT mean it isn't wonderful, stimulating and a bonding experience b/c it is. However, I just don't crave it like I did in the beginning of the relationship when everything was new and exciting and unexpected. I occasionally feel badly about this and obsess over frequency, compare myself to other people, etc., but I have recently realized that as long as my partner and I communicate, see a therapist together and don't pressure ourselves overmuch about sex, the physical part of our relationship feels so much healthier. AND not everyone has a high libido, that is just a fact. Some people truly don't crave sex in the way that others do.

We havnt talked about seeing a theropist yet, but its the beginning of our relationship nad i feel funny about seeing someone right now... i want to try and work things out myself, but maybe your right... how do approach him with this...?

I'm no expert, but that seems like a relatively short time to change that drastically. Are there other aspects stressing you guys out? Stress can take a big chunk out of a libido, as can sleep deprivation, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and dietary concerns. True, some people's libidos are lower than others, but that seems excessive to me.

When we had the kid, our sex lives went from fairly regular to anything but. Some weeks we don't get to have any, so we get really hard to be around. (no pun intended)

I will say this, though, the sex itself has gotten much, much hotter as a result of being delayed. Sometimes just the sight of my husband splay-legged on the couch is enough to get me completely revved.

busty- I second that...quality over quantity.

I agree! But I have we tend to go through phases, sometimes we are hot and heavy other times thing chill off. I think it's to be expected in a long relationship as long as we are both happy.

There's also a definite struggle over how we spend the little time the baby is asleep and we aren't. Sometimes I just want to sit and waste time on the computer or read a book. I don't get to do either as much as I'd like.

My wife and I have certainly had our tribulations over this business. She's got a considerably higher sex drive than I do. Although I'm not that interested in sex per se, I've tried to make sense of what it means to her and that's enough to get me off my butt and onto hers. So to speak. One thing I have noticed: a long-term relationship usually means two pretty stuffed lives packed into one home and 24 measly hours. That's a long line of things that happen between opening your eyes in the morning and seeing each other 8 or 10 hours or whatever later. And then, like Busty says (hey, love, how've you been?), there may be a kid to raise, so there's not a lot of time to see each other in that particular way that turns one or both of you on.

For us, it seemed like we were always ticking off what got done that was supposed to get done (did you call the electrician? I got this weird letter from your health insurance company today. We're having dinner with my brother tonight -- did you forget?) before we had anything like couple time. And all these things were important. In a long term relationship, you want to feel like you're not stuck with a screwup who can't look after the work you've done in building something together.

We had to make a real effort -- after some pretty raw arguments -- to reconnect as a couple before briefing each other like business partners on all the day's affairs and obligations. That didn't lead to the bedroom necessarily, but at least it reminded us why we were really together.

I wonder how old Danilu's fella is. I really believe that for some guys, age is definitely a factor in waning libido. I'm 47, and I am just not as interested in sex as I was 20 years ago. Or even 10 years ago. I can see and feel the effects of age on my body: I'm physically weaker than I used to be (and I exercise 5 days a week) and nowhere near as aggressive/energetic.

I think the best advice was to get some counseling, figure out a way to talk about it and have someone help you hear and understand what each other is saying. I hope Danilu's fella is willing to learn some new ways to fulfill her (a vibrator, travel, write some erotica for each other, whatever). Sometimes a little novelty in a nonsexual part of life can pay sexual dividends.

I've been fine, love, good ta see ya.

I think part of being in a long term relationship is also knowing the changes will come, and with them you will roll.

My bf wants to get me off with just hands and no toys, when I get myself off its with toys. Only once have I been able to get myself off with my hands and I think that was the first time that I ever experienced an orgasm. Last night he tried, he rubbed my clit and I couldnt control myself because it was so intense, it felt soooo good but still no orgasm, just a lot of penetration. I got him off and he gushed all over my hand, it was amazing, it was my first time helping him out, oh I loved it!!

Does anyone have any suggestions on what we should do differently in order to get me off, I know where my spot is, a vibrator will wake up that spot and my clit and I go to town but with hands its harder to get off.

We havent had intercourse yet, we are going to someday but thats after I get on the pill and he buys supplies.

Ok so I need advice on what to do when I am with my guy and wants to get me off with no toys, just hands.

Also for anyone that is on the pill (birth control) what kind would you recommened (patch, pill?) Also I need a form of the pill that does NOT cause weight gain because I do not need it nor do I want it.

We have been together officially for 4 months and 1 week, if he werent in my life I dont know what I would do, he is so wonderful and so much fun to be with. If any of you have suggestions for the above questions I would greatly appreciate it (I posted originally in the Female Ejaculation thread but no one has been there in awhile )

Thanks for reading












































Thanks for reading:)

Curious Kat,

I'm surprised that you haven't been snowed under with responses and helpful suggestions from young women who've had the same problem; there's a lot of it going around. It's been a presence on earth since the day Eve nibbled the apple. And odds are that she nibbled many times before she took the big crunching bite that brought on a screaming sunburst and a sky full of brilliant shooting stars, all seen with clinched eyelids..

In the absence of any better ideas, here are some that I generated in the solitude of riding a lawn mower about twelve hours over the last three days, busily mulching leaves before the cold uglies descend from the North, a couple of days hence..

First, a bit of basic philosophy: There are personality types who say, in effect, “Don't waste time on principles. Just tell me how to do it”. An opposite type says, “Explain the principles to me and I'll figure out how to do it, six ways from Sunday. Not knowing your type, I'm offering some of each.

A Principle. The higher the degree of arousal, the quicker and easier the orgasm. Each orgasm increases the overall level of arousal, not just for the immediate orgasm. After the third, you're hotter than your were after the first. And after the twelfth . . . well you get the idea.

A Practice. Buld up the pressure with planned procedures. Here are a very few of many possibilities to think about.

1.Lots of kissing before moving on. Please note, Kat, that simultanious stimulation from multiiple sources multiplies the buildup of pressure.
2.While holding long kisses, he twiddles a nipple for you.
3.He takes a nipple in mouth while twiddling the other.
4.Before getting a finger in vulva or on clit, with finger tips he strokes slowly
and lightly inner thighs and lower abdomen. Slowly, time after time.
5.Stroke outer lips of vulva slowly and lightly bottom to top and back many times.
Five to ten times or more. It should make you want to scream “Go on, dammit.”
6.After he gets a finger on your clit, a long, deep kiss increases the orgasmic pressure.
7.While stroking your clit he can take a nipple in his mouth.
8.Running his tongue across nipple at varying speeds while stroking can send you up the wall with smoke and fire streaming from your ears.
9.You're grasping his hard, throbbing erection all this time, a joy to both.
10.Erotic movies. They're available almost everywhere, now. Tape for the VCR or discs for the DVD. There are degrees of porn and eroticism for your own taste. Some people equate foul language with the best porn. Others prefer a more refined taste. There's something for everyone. If you opt for refinement you'll probably like the series of demonstration tapes produced by a college instructor in North Carolina. You'll find the ads in Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Esquire and Playboy among other sources.


Hot? Lemme tell you about hot.

Here's an abbreviated case history, custom edited for you, maybe six months prior to publication in a how-to-do-it manual by sex therapist Sarah L. Van Der Mohl, MSW.

In a small town the guy was new in a high profile job. Mary got to him first. With mutual acquaintances, they met in the middle of a sidewalk crowded with people waiting the start of the Christmas parade. After about five minutes he had to climb up on the flatbed truck trailer to broadcast a description of the parade.

They didn't see each other again for five weeks, but talked for about half-an-hour a day on the phone. A week later he said “I'm going to buy a car next week. You can help me christen it with a weekend at the beach.

Without missing a beat, she said “When d'ya wanna leave?”

Disappointed in her flip response without even an excuse, he said, “I'm not kidding.”

Without missing a beat, she said, “I'm not either. When d'ya wanna leave?

They agreed on 1:00 p.m., Saturday of next week. Maybe you can imagine what they were thinking as each went to bed alone every night. But, wouldn't you know it? His car purchase was delayed a week. Oooo misery, night after night of lonely anticipation. Another week of it.

The agony of the long dry spell – eight months since he'd split with his wife – dragged on, slow as Christmas after next. Every morning, taking advantage of a break in his schedule, he went into the rest room to generate an explosive blast of relief. Better than nothing, it provided only few minutes relief from the almost unbearable pressure.

Finally Saturday arrived and he goofed off from his job at 11:30, picked up Mary at 12:00 and estimated a two-hour drive to the beach. At 2:15 they'd be in the sack doing what came naturally.

Murphy's law has a way of governing urgent personal matters. The law provides that “if it can happen it will happen. At the worst possible time.” But Judge Murphy gave them a break. The car trouble happened at the edge of town instead of in the middle of nothing fifty miles away. They finally got out of town at 4:00 o'clock. Two hours to go.

“OK,” they agreed happily, “so we'll be in bed at 6:15.” After eight months, he rationalized, “what's another lousy four-hours.”

The pressure that had been building for five weeks had become extremely intense. They were both long past ready. Darkness had fallen as they wheeled into the first traffic light in the small town twelve miles from their destination. They celebrated with a long kiss and accompanying breast play. Ooo, nice.

Five traffic lights to go and they caught red on every one. They repeated that scenario five times in about ten minutes and the windows steamed up. He wondered if he was going to cream his pants before they got to the motel.

He didn't, but what happened was a lot more interesting. Fast forward to where Mary said with some impatience, “I don't need that; I'm ready,” and like silk he slipped into action mode. After three or four short slow moves he felt the moment of inevitability was seconds away and stopped still, hoping to salvage it. Mary had been there before and recognized the problem. She stopped her loud, joyous sounds and spontaneous moves of joy. They lay quiet and unmoving for a moment before he seemed to feel the repeated grasping of a tiny hand triggering his ecstatic release. Neither had moved a muscle.

They lay there, still coupled and coming down to normal. After about a minute Mary was delightfully surprised to feel his next erection, throbbing and growing inside her.

There's some food for a lot of thought.

Good luck and good loving.

Thank you boblink, thank you so much for responding to my post, your advice looks very helpful and I cant wait to put it into action I've been sick lately, I had the flu that turned into a viral infection in the chest so I am coughing every half hour and it sucks. Tonight the bf wants to make me dinner and to just hang out because he misses me. We saw each other on Wed. but it was for a dinner with his boss, so we didnt get to be alone too long. I doubt that we will be able to make-out or have any closeness tonight due to this damn cough but I will still get to be in his company.


Thanks again for the advice, cant wait to put it into play, I'll let you know how things work out

Not sure if this is exactly the right place for this post, but here goes:
My guy and I have been together for almost 2 years. We're getting married this summer and he is completely wonderful, a better man and a better partner than I ever thought I would find. Here's the thing that's on my mind lately, though: he was a virgin when we met, so he was completely inexperienced and he's still very shy/uncomfortable with some things that I wouldn't bat an eye at. Example: I've been really curious about anal sex/ass play lately, but I REALLY don't think I can bring this up with him because I think it'll freak him out. Just to test the water, the other night I told him I thought he needed a prostate massage, and even though I said it with a light, not-serious tone, he totally shot it down. So I think if I brought it up seriously, he'd either say no way, or, if he didn't flat-out refuse to go there, I'd feel like he was only doing it to please me, and he wouldn't really be into it at all. I mean, I understand that if he doesn't want to be on the receiving end, I need to respect that, but in the long-ago past, I was with a guy who very gently and respectfully brought a little ass-play into our routine (for a short while, because I was pretty young and kind of grossed out by the idea) and now thinking back on that, I think it might be something I'd like to try again--or at least know that it's not absolutely off-limits. We're going to be together for the rest of our lives, and I'd hate to think there were certain things we'd never be able to explore.

Last night we had sex for the first time while I was under the red tent. It was almost done, but I knew there would probably be some blood, and he knew that too, but still I think he was a little freaked out by the sight of blood on his dick. (Probably would have been good to use a condom but oh well...) He would never say so, but I don't know if he'll want to do that again. It's really no big thing to me, except that I worry about how he feels about it. I asked him point-blank if he was freaked out by it, and he said "not really" but I wasn't totally convinced.

So--before this turns into a novel--I guess my question is, without knowing my guy personally, do you all think he's always going to be squeamish and uncomfortable with certain things sexually, or is it likely that in time, he'll relax and feel more open? It doesn't need to be now... it doesn't even need to be in this decade, but I'd feel better if I knew that someday he may not be so...shy I guess. I know, I know, I should be asking HIM these things--but obviously, since he's pretty uncomfortable with certain topics, I don't really want to bring this stuff up. Ugh. I just want him to be a little more... dirty!

little_i, you're gonna have to talk to him about it. i don't think he's going to change on his own.

how to say it without sounding overly disappointed with your sex life? i dunno. in my previous ltr, my man was a virgin when we started dating, and during a fight he brought it up, saying how if i was going to be the only person he ever sleeps with, the sex better get more interesting. i know it was a fight and he was supposed to be trying to hurt me, but it made me think that when we had sex he was hating every minute. i'm sure that ain't true, but there had to be a better way to say it.....

little idiot- I think it really depends on the guy. It could be that he's just not experienced and feels self-conscious about stuff or it could be that he's really not into kinky stuff. I think it's possible to bring it up in a non-threatening, loving way. I would say it's probably better to be straightforward about it then to joke around. It is hard to start those kind of conversations if it's not something you're used to, but IME it feels so much better to get it out in the open. Some people just aren't going to be into certain things, though. One friend of mine who is very open-minded sexually just doesn't like to have his asshole touched. It's not that it grosses him out or whatever, but he just doesn't like the sensation.

I know for me, after I broke up with my last boyfriend with whom the sex was very "normal" and then started hooking up with someone who is more dirty, I feel like dirty sex is an absolute requirement for me in a relationship. That sounds kind of funny, but it's true! I really don't place many restrictions on what kind of person I would date, that's probably the only real hard and fast one at this point.

I have a bit of a problem...I was suppose to get my period of Friday Dec. 15th and I never got it, I PMSed up the yazoo, I was such in a bad mood and I was just down in the dumps but no period, its Monday and I still havent gotten it yet. I have NOT had sex with my bf, we have dry humped and given one another hand jobs but that is IT!! No sex!! So what the hell is wrong with me... I have never been late before, I have been early but never 3 days late, once my period comes I will be relieved but until then I am very worried!!!

PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!!!!


Sorry if this is in the wrong thread, I figured it would be a good one because its active and it has to do with my relationship

Well, you sound pretty safe. If there was the possibility that semen came in contact with your vagina, during a time when you were fertile, I might worry, a tiny bit. But honestly, it's probably just a normal fluctuation. My period shifts, I get different PMS symptoms or none at all. It's gotten a little lighter as I've gotten older, etc.

Holiday stressing you out? That can do it. I know what the worry is like, so I'm not going to say "Don't worry." But I will say I don't think you have any reason to worry.

Yeah I think it is the holidays...It was the 8th when we were together and messed around, he dry humped me but was just hard and didnt cum at all, I was very wet though...I mean a week before my period, is that when i would be the most fertile? I ovulated last week I know that, I felt it but that was AFTER Friday so what does that mean?

Hey this is CuriousKat, just had to change my username a lil bit because things were gettin difficult!!

The pregnancy scare is over, got the period yesterday, eh, it was ridiculous that I was scared in the first place!! lol

Surprised my hubby waking him up with the classic, two red bows over the nipples and a red thong I am your present yesterday morning and he was thrilled!

Has anyone ever used this book? I'd like to do something to liven things up a little and I've seen this book before in bookstores. I read the reviews on Amazon and I'm torn- a lot of people like it, but the people who don't make some valid points (i.e., it's based on the "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" stereotype, which Le Boy and I don't really fit into.)

Or any suggestions on any similar books?

I owned 101 Nights. It’s really cool how each scenario is sealed. I would pick one week then my fiancé would pick the next week. The ideas are romantic. Some are easy and others more complex. The only thing (for us) was that we didn’t live alone and many of the scenarios involve multiple rooms. For example, one was a romantic episode in the tub that moved into the bedroom, which is kind of hard to do when your mother in law to be is walking around all the time. If you have alone time, your own place and can plan ahead for some of the more complex scenarios it’s really nice. One of my favorite books is How to Be a Great Lover, Girlfriend-to-Girlfriend Totally Explicit Techniques that Will Blow His Mind. It taught me a few new tricks, which thrilled my man. That always spices things up. It’s a fun read.

LMP - I am *totally* going over to amazon and ordering that book right now! I'm always interested in adding a little spice.

Oh, and might I also recommend heating things up by listening to erotica audiobooks in the bath (preferably with a waterproof vibe) prior to main event...its both relaxing, AND gets me hotter than anything else.

*trots off to an erotica bath*

TJ -

It's one of those books that's on my bookcase that I go flip through occasionally for a refresher. I actually just finished flipping through it again since I had just pulled it out to post it's title here. Lots on handjobs, blowjobs, positions, toys, tricks and all kinds of other stuff.

One good book my fiance got years ago that I think is a great book for guys is WOMEN: MAXIM'S UNAUTHORIZED GUIDE BY EDITORS OF MAXIM. When he was done reading it I flipped through it and told him it had very good information. I think a lot of it pertains to things to say and do to make a woman feel beautiful, important, respected and loved. I think men think they are going to get laid faster by reading it but really it's really them tenderness and respect. Although the women pictured in the book are, in my opinion, not realistic looking women I think they use them to visually attract the men into opening the book then trying to teach them something real.

Some of the topics include:
Five Things to Do Right After Sex
The Massage Tchnique Her Ex Didn't Know
The Perfect Gift Every Time
The Four Things Women Really Want
How to Play Her Monthly Cycle
You Screwed Up. Now What?

Reading these outloud they sound kind of stupid but really the book has soom good information. I'm not sure how easily it would be to find and purchase since Mr. Pug got it from Maxim through a subscription in 2000. He didn't tell me when he ordered it cause I guess he really wanted to surprise me with anything he picked up from his reading which is sweet. Sometimes when he is slacking in his end of the relationship I think about laying it out somewhere he'll see so he'll flip through it and refresh himself.

Hope you like the How to Be a Great Lover book. It's one of my favorites.

Goodnight all!

Hey ladies, any ideas on how to get my guy to be a bit more aggressive? I tend to be the more dominant one, in bed. Often I am the one who initiates sex as well. My hubby is a great guy, but he has low self esteem, and poor body image. So he is not always very confident. He is cute as hell but just doesn't realize it, even though I drowned him with compliments and always mention when other people say how hot he is. He just doesn't feel hot. He was kind of chunky growing up, and has a ton of baggage connected to that. Not sure what to do? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Ginger: I attended a marriage seminar and the speaker said that often, guys that do not initiate sex are very sensitive to being rejected in regard to sex. If they ask for sex and get denied as few as 3 times in a row, they will often stop asking for sex. The speaker suggested that in such a case, make sure you do not deny him more than twice in a row.

Obviously, what you want to do with that is up to you. I'm not going either way on it, I'm just reiterating what the speaker said. As for how to get him to ask for sex, you're likely going to have to work through all that emotional baggage with him. Now, he has to want to work through it and I wouldn't reccomend pestering him about it if he doesn't want to talk right now. Just let him know that you believe in him and that you're available to talk about it or whatever else he wants to talk about whenever he wants to.

The key thing in all of this is for the guy to feel safe. He has to feel safe in order to talk about his feelings. He has to feel safe about asking for sex (i.e. low liklihood of rejection). He also has to feel safe being more aggressive. Many guys (myself included) are wary about being somewhat aggressive because of the stigma that guys are pigs that go around raping women. We don't want to be judged as pigs or abusive men because we're not that. We don't want things to come off wrong and backfire in our faces.

Also, it might be a good idea to have sex with him first. I'm always more open to talking about my feelings after sex. According to the speaker at the marriage seminar, men want sex (duh). In order for men to get sex, they must first appeal to the woman's heart and her emotions. Women want to get access to the guy's heart and emotions. However, the way to get access to these is through sex, according to the speaker.

The speaker's point was that in order to get what each wants, we must first give the other what he or she wants.

It's been awhile since I posted in the Lounge... I realized that I didn't cum back to properly thank you lovelies in this thread for the kind and dirty suggestions you offered me on my quest to shape up my not so sexy long-term relationship! So without further adu!

THANKS! and (((busties)))

Mr and I talked about us and sex 'til the cows came home, but in bed nothing! For a variety of reasons (school and work) we are now in a long distance relationship with a goal of being together under the same roof in a year....Anyways....distance and MSN made us/him hornier!!?! If only I knew about this years ago! We talk everyday by phone or online and over the course of us talking online everyday some guards were let down and communication that sinks in has occured! I didn't have much faith in it until we saw each other and bang! Holy sex Batman! We are now on track (tho perhaps in different provinces) and communication of all sorts runs smoothly. Sex for both of us is fun and we are both getting off often when we are together!

So I guess the moral of the story (if there is one) is that yes communication is super important but it has to be when both parties are ready for it.

Polymorphism, thanks if you were trying to help, but your post was a bit offensive. I am not sure if you meant it to be or not. That's just how I took it. Maybe I was just looking for a woman's perspective on the situation.

I am sure he doesn't have a fear of rejection. We have extremely good communication. There is really nothing we are afraid to talk about. And he is very receptive and open when it comes to talking about his feelings.


But he is definately a more submissive than I am. I think I am just trying to figure out a way to get him to be more commanding of what he wants. Take charge more and what not....

Hey Ginger-Kitty, thats a tough one, I've struggled with the exact same thing with my ex (former chubby-kid complex).
Are you two playful? Once I really wanted him to "take me" and I was in a silly mood so I started being all mock-seductive, in a way that is funny yet also sexy. For instance, I'd snack on something very sensuously, while locking eyes with him, using my mouth a lot and making noises like it was orgasmic. At first he was like, 'what the heck are you doing?' but I didnt stop and so he eventually got really turned on and realized what he was supposed to do.

If he doesnt respond at all you can just laugh it off like you were joking, ..of course, then the problem still remains and I hope something else works!

Just trying to help............

The marriage speaker did mention that many women get mad when that part of the seminar is discussed, initially. It does take some understanding of context because it can easily be taken the wrong way. I don't know you or your man. I was just throwing out ideas, based on the info at hand. Since it's a guy situation, I figured that a guy perspective would be valuable. Perhaps I'm mistaken.

None the less, I think some possible solutions do lie in my last post. If you have questions on what I meant by a specific statement, I'd be happy to answer them.

I was just trying to be helpful and I was drawing on newly-acquired knowledge from a credible source. Since I'm getting the sense that you only want to hear from women on this, I'll leave things at that unless you specifically ask for my input.

greenbean, Chubby-kid complex, that nails it. It's maybe something that he needs to come to terms with on his own, that I can't help him with?


We are often playful. But sometimes he doesn't get it when I am being flirty or thinks that I'm just joking b/c I am such a goofball. I think I might give up to soon sometimes, and say just kidding? Maybe I should kind of be more persistent and see if he gets that I'm not kidding.

I'm too lazy to read the archives....when going through a "dry spell" and trying to get back on track, has anyone ever tried a schedule? Like "okay, every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, we'll do it" kind of thing. I'm afraid of this becoming a chore, but when you realize you're going like 8 weeks in between, um, I'll try anything at this point.

There's also so many little sub-issues with us right now that I don't even know where to start a discussion. I mean, we're getting along just fine, we're not in crisis mode...we're just not doing anything...yeah.

i would suggest a discussion between the two of you and then simply seduce your man. when you think about sex and he is not there . . . email or call him and let him know you are thinking about it. start doing little things that make him feel special (make his coffe in the am and bring it too him in bed, then tell him he looks hot all tossled with sleep) and he will likely return the favor. that may help you feel more sexy and start wanting it more often. also, i think to some extent, the more you get, the more you want. we get in a rut and it becomes comfortable and so we don't really do anything to change it.

Mr. Pug and I went through a dry spell that lasted years. I'm not kidding. It was terrible. We tried the scheduling thing and it seemed like something always got in the way. He was tired, I was stressed, neither of us felt like it and blah blah blah. They were the worst years of our relationship.

However, things have taken a complete turn around for us but that's because we instituted some major relationship changes in the last six months. When I say major I mean major. We are in a 24/7 Ds relationship now so I don't have a lot of advice to offer unless you are looking to make some big changes like we did. Not that our way is the only or best way. It just really, really worked for us. Our friends and family have noticed that we are even more in love then we were when we first met. The sex is 110% better then it ever was. We are trying many new things and I feel more free to be my adventurous self in bed. Things are just great with us.

I can make this suggestion...we do spend one day a week together. Usually it's Saturday or Sunday mornings. We sleep in late. We make love. Go back to sleep. Get up and shower together. Make breakfast together. Sit on the couch or in bed and watch a movie together. Maybe clean some together. Make dinner together and so on and so forth. We just spend the day being close, touching and being near each other. For me this is very hot at times and also very intimate.

I think shinyx's ideas are excellant. I love just waking in the morning and laying my head on Mr. Pug's naked thigh, looking up at him, him smelling all manly and me all bed tossled. Those times are pure bliss for me.

Another suggestion is to shower together regularly. Mr. Pug and I have opposite schedules during the week. We don't get much time together. Showering together is sexy. Wash each other, splash a bit, talk, laugh and "other" things. Sometimes when we are busy it's the most sexy, intimate 20 minutes of our day.

Hope that was helpful.