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pollystyrene
See, the shower thing! I'd love to do that- a couple years ago, we had a nice hotel room with a giant whirlpool bath. We had some fun in there....but whenever I suggest it at home, he makes excuses. He had one bad experience with his stupid ex-girlfriend; they were messing around in the shower, she failed to mention she'd skipped a few pills and was about a week and a half late afterwards, so for someone who is already irrationally paranoid about pregnancy, that made it 10 times worse and now I'm suffering the consequences. mad.gif Seven years in a relationship and he wears a condom to perform oral sex on me. WTF? We're both hardcore childfree-by-choice, so he should know I'm fully committed to taking my pills....but at least intentionally setting time together, without specifying it's for sex is a good idea, pugs.
phobia
Wait, I'm sorry, HE wears a condom to go down on YOU?? Not trying to be offensive, but it might ease his mind to read up on, you know, some basic reproductive biology?

Another thing to add to Pug's shower-together idea is to work out together. You don't have to go to the gym or anything, but just be active some place other than the bedroom -- take a walk or a hike or a bike ride. Or, DO go to the gym -- when we have time we go together and it not only keeps us motivated, but getting sweaty together is hot! Spot each other while lifting weights, and cop a feel, for example smile.gif

I guess what everyone's advice is boiling down to is two things. First, find ways to spend time together, being together, not neccessarily with the expectation of sex. Start to remember why you like each other so much. Second, find ways to be physical with one another, again, without the expectation of sex. Touching and being affectionate can turn the horny on much better than making sex into a chore. And that's what you really want, right? Getting back to ~wanting~ sex, not merely having sex on a regular basis. Does that difference resonate?

I've been with my boy for 10 years, and some dry spots are usual, please don't worry about that. As others have said, you get into a routine and you're too lazy to do anything about it. But sex IS important, and someone is going to wind up getting majorly resentful. Resentment is relationship poison.

Good luck Polly, and hang in there! Let us know how things go -- we're here for you smile.gif
pollystyrene
Not offended, phobia! laugh.gif Yeah, I've explained this to him. And part of it is that when he goes down on me, he does enjoy it quite a bit and usually gets off before I do, and wearing a condom provides for easy clean-up. But that's just a pleasant side-effect of his paranoia, not the reason he originally started doing it that way.

A couple years ago, we did about 4 months of counseling, behavior-focussed talk therapy to deal with some of this stuff. It helped for awhile, we've just gotten off track. His guilt (caused by a Catholic upbringing) and paranoia (caused by a totally irresponsible ex-girlfriend) are just totally getting in the way of things.

Thanks for the suggestions- I do want to get to the point where we can be spontaneous and fun...can't wait until I get permanent contraception! At least that factor will be eliminated!
LoveMyPugs
Polly - ooooooh, I get the condom during oral thing now. I was confused.

I do think dry spells are normal but they can get out of hand. I think Mr. Pug and I went like five years at one point where we were having sex like once a month. It caused us a lot of problems and we went to therapy together. The therapist said it was normal for the amount of time we'd been together. However, Mr. pug continued to think it wasn't normal and that we weren't compatible sexually.

What we discovered was that we were trying to live a life that society thought we should live. Him politely asking for sex and me turning him down for any and all reasons. I hated him asking and he hated to ask. We talked about this, which lead to wanting things a little more rough, which led to me joining the BDSM thread.

I remember when I decided to approach Mr. pug on the issue. I was so nervous that I actually emailed him a link to a 24/7 Ds relationship website. Asking him if we could change our lifestyle completely was a huge risk on my part. He was shocked at first because I went from not wanting sex to discovering something about myself through talking to others and research to wanting sex everyday multiple times a day. It took him weeks to really understand what I was asking for. Even now when he hasn't asserted his dominance in a few days I find myself starting to brat out in need of his authority. Mr. pug used to be very submissive to me and I hated it as much as he did. It never felt natural to both of us and with fought over it constantly. Now that the tables are turned it sends shivers up my spine just to say his name in my mind.


Being catholic myself, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt over my lifestyle and discuss it with Mr. pug and friends who know. I actually stopped going to church because the guilt of lusting so much is just overwhelming and confusing. However, I feel that the blissful lifestyle that we live is more important then feeling like I’m living up to the standards of Catholicism. Sorry, I guess I’m getting off topic here.

As far as spending time together without the expectation of sex...that's exactly what I’m talking about. Even if you add some petting and kissing and just agree that it won't go any further unless you both desire it.

I really hope that things get better. Like I said, dry spells are normal but they can get out of hand. It seems to me that you are trying to prevent this and that is always a great step. When Mr. pug and I have problems I’m always the one talking to people, researching and reading self help books. He sort of sits back and waits for things to "fix" themselves. He attributes the perfect ness of everything now to my wanting to stay together and work things out. Its just part of my nature to want to fix things.

Its frustrating to see friends having the same problems we used to and wanting to explain what we do and them just looking at us like we are sick or confused. I’ve stopped sharing a lot of my experiences with friends. I just come on to bust and talk to phobia and gt and the other BDSM busties. They understand me and so does Mr. pug and that's all I need to get by.

Good luck
tesao
just popped in here today because i was curious...this thread hasn't had much action for a while and then bam!

everyone here has really given fabu advice -- as they usually do! i can't think of much to add. i can say that about 4-5 years ago mr. hotbuns and i went through a really bad slump...just as i began to bust. i think that the biggest problem with us was that we had been going through some rough financial times, first he was laid off and then i was.

really rotten how stress makes you slack off on sex, when really sex RELIEVES stress.

so maybe one other thing to think about, polly, would be if there is some big stress factor going on in either of your lives. anything physical, such as the things that others have mentioned, like going to the gym, taking a hike together, riding bikes together, swimming together,whatever -- is really good for stress relief. and at the same time, you are doing FUN things together. combine all of that and remember why you got together in the first place, and sex is bound to be the next step.

we tried to "schedule" sex, and it was a dismal failure. which doesn't mean that it wouldn't work for others; it just wasn't the answer for us.

we don't have this problem at ALL anymore; i live in africa and mr hotbuns lives in the states. when we see each other (about every 3-4 months), we are aaaaaaaaaaaaaaall over each other for at least the first 24 hours.
hoosierman78
Tes, your last paragraph regarding the long distance is where I was going to chime in. My wife & I went through a bit of a dry spell a little over a year ago. We'd be good to do it once a month for about 6 months. I guess it was just one of those things that relationships go through, but it always seemed like when I wanted it she didn't, and when she wanted it, I did. Why either of us didn't want it ranged from tired, just not in the mood, & not feeling well.

Well, she decided to quit her job & help her mom out with her business. Only thing is, her business was 4 hours away. Now, all of a sudden, we CAN'T do it whenever we want, and when she'd come home on the weekends, well, we made up for the rest of the week. In our case, absence truly did make the heart (and loins) grow fonder. I can't say if this would or wouldn't work for others, but if nothing else seems to be able to break the rut, maybe if you have friends/family out of town you could plan a couple long weekends away without him.

*As a side note, scheduling did not work at all for us either. I know I've read in many different places that it's a good way to kick start things, we just had no luck at all with it.
LoveMyPugs
I'd love to hear from someone who scheduling did work for. I've talked to a lot of long term couples who have almost all tried scheduling and it hasn't worked for any of them. I'd love to hear how those that it does work for feel when they come home and sit down and are "supposed" to do it? And!!! Why do we make excuses not to when we make time TO? Mr. Pug and I did that all the time.

When I think about what stressful things were going on when Mr. Pug and I had our dry spell it was

1. Living seperately
2. Moving in together into an apartment we both hated
3. Moving back home seperately
4. Me moving into his moms (worst two years of my life)
5. Deciding to buy a house
6. Buying a house and learning to live together alone again

There were just sooo many things on our minds. I'm surprised we talked at all. The funny thing is that now, when we have stressful times, we kinda pull together. When I lost my job in December, when I was stressing with school, when my mom and dad were both sick. We babied each other. He'd hold me and love me and I'd make love to him till the end of time. I guess we both just discovered what we could do to help the other during hard times.

I have two friends who the woman is sick and lost her job and the husband is working his ass off trying to support them both. They also have a daugther, just got married and bought a house. They are under a lot of stress and they treat each other terribly. I stress to them to pull together and try to just take care of one another but they just fight, fight, fight. They call each other names and it's just sad.

Last weekend my friend sat down with me and she just let loose. She said that she thinks he unsupportive and mean. Well I just freaked out. I told her that this is hard on both of them and that neither of them has a clue about what the other is going through. I litterally yelled at her and told her to take the baby to it's grandmothers and that the two of them needed to have a long talk. Well she got upset and walked out of the room. I eventually left later that night. The next day she called me and told me that she did exactly what I said and that he told her things she didn't even know and vice versa. He was just so worried about her health and their finances and she just thought he cared more about the money then her well being. She said they had this very deep talk and then went into the bedroom and made love and spent the rest of the day there in each others arms. They actually forgot to pick up the baby. It was very sweet. I have higher hopes for them now. For a while there I was really getting concerned.

hoosierman - it was nice to have a mans perspective. I always thought that Mr. Pug was just horny but it really is one way that he connects with me emotionally. He loves to love me and make love to me. I never really understood that. Makes a girl all giddy inside. smile.gif
phobia
Shauna, that's a really good idea -- make committments to ~yourself~ will probably make you feel sexier. I know what really works for me to keep my interest up and simmering is to sort of treat sex like a hobby. I've also recommended this approach to Mr. Phobia, with great success. I guess it helps if you're kinky like we are -- lots of technique to read up on and stuff to buy. But I think even the more vanilla among us could benefit from what we do. Like I said, treat sex and sexuality like a hobby. Read up on it, look at some new positions or toys or lubes, ways to make it better. Does that make sense?
leathergrl
QUOTE(mermaidgirl13 @ Jul 6 2006, 05:45 PM) *
Chiming in on the morning/night thing too. I like having sex at night, or at least, just not in the morning. In the morning I feel gross and just want to shower and start the day,like you said Humminghbird. <BR> <BR>I've been with him for 8 years and I think sex during the last two years has been better than it ever was before. <BR> <BR>It's interesting how it fluctuates though - in our time together, there have been a couple stretches of several months when we hardly had sex and then months where we have a lot. It's interesting how it goes, but sucks when we are in different places sex-drive wise.

So , you said you have been togehter 8 years and you both are still interested in eachother sexually..? I have been w/ my boyfriend 9 years...sex has been decreasing steadily over the past 2 years. We are both 37. Bought a house together 3 years ago, have 2 dogs, NO kids and make good money. So there is no stress to add to my unfullfilled life. He is a great man, works hard, is faithful and true, but the sex sucks! I have tried toys, videos, lingerie, etc, etc...he is not receptive to those things and says he is still attracted to me. But I have to initiate all contact or otherwise it will be Sat am only...maybe Sat night thrown in once in awhile. Very quick on his part and no foreplay. I have had an affair recently and told him about it. He apologized and said he was to blame, but still has done nothing to not make me want to seek affection elswhere again. I think of leaving everyday. Giving up on a life we have worked hard to get... But what do I do? I really need some advice. Stay because everthing else seems to click OK, and deal with a boring sexless life? Or leave and try to find the "complete" package with someone else.? I feel very drained!!!!!
Mr Pugs
leathergrl, I would go talk to a marriage/sex counselor. His problem could be physical (testosterone output slowing down) or something mental like there's something bothering him about the relationship that he's not spilling. It seems strange to me that when you had the affair and then told him about it he was all "it's my fault it's ok." and then does nothing to change the circumsances. It just feels like there is something else going on. I've been with LoveMyPugs for over 11 years and the sex keeps getting hotter and hotter, but I'm only 27, so the physical hasn't caught up to me yet. I'd definately talk to someone.

Mr. Pugs
LoveMyPugs
QUOTE(leathergrl @ Nov 26 2007, 07:47 PM) *
So , you said you have been togehter 8 years and you both are still interested in eachother sexually..? I have been w/ my boyfriend 9 years...sex has been decreasing steadily over the past 2 years. We are both 37. Bought a house together 3 years ago, have 2 dogs, NO kids and make good money. So there is no stress to add to my unfullfilled life. He is a great man, works hard, is faithful and true, but the sex sucks! I have tried toys, videos, lingerie, etc, etc...he is not receptive to those things and says he is still attracted to me. But I have to initiate all contact or otherwise it will be Sat am only...maybe Sat night thrown in once in awhile. Very quick on his part and no foreplay. I have had an affair recently and told him about it. He apologized and said he was to blame, but still has done nothing to not make me want to seek affection elswhere again. I think of leaving everyday. Giving up on a life we have worked hard to get... But what do I do? I really need some advice. Stay because everthing else seems to click OK, and deal with a boring sexless life? Or leave and try to find the "complete" package with someone else.? I feel very drained!!!!!


leathergrl - i feel your pain. mr. pug and i went through a very dry spell for years. we just weren't talking and being honest with one another. really, i wasn't being honest with him about what i wanted sexually. i thought about cheating. we went and talked to a therapist. she helped a little. in the long run, we just needed to explore other aspects of our sexuality. i mean we did the same thing every time and i was bored with it. i don't think mr. pug was. he was happy as long as he was getting laid. i needed more from him.

we've been together over 11 years and i can tell we played with toys early in our relationship. when we started having problems everyone was like, "Get a toy. Go to a sex shop together. Spice things up." what they didn't understand was that we had already done those things.

I never initiated and when we did have sex I felt withdrawn the entire time. I can't imagine how he felt during these sessions. Now, we are both there together the entire time. It's "us" time. We kick our dogs out of the room, turn our phones and the tv off. We set out my favorite vibe (pocket rocket) and lube (silicone). I mean we still have our nights where it is quick and to the point but we still make time for some heavy play.

I know I personally don't like to be asked for sex. I know when Mr. Pug used to be like, "Can we tonight?" that used to drive me crazy. Nothing turned me OFF faster. Maybe you could try just attacking him when his guard is down. Don't give him a chance to say no.

I'd hate to see you leave when everything else is so good in the relationship. I'd definately go and talk to someone first. Like Mr. Pug said, it might just be a hormonal issue with him. They have meds for that now don't they? (can you picture me, the hornball in the doctor's office laugh.gif) Good luck and keep coming back here to vent about it. We're here for you.
leathergrl
QUOTE(LoveMyPugs @ Nov 27 2007, 08:47 AM) *
leathergrl - i feel your pain. mr. pug and i went through a very dry spell for years. we just weren't talking and being honest with one another. really, i wasn't being honest with him about what i wanted sexually. i thought about cheating. we went and talked to a therapist. she helped a little. in the long run, we just needed to explore other aspects of our sexuality. i mean we did the same thing every time and i was bored with it. i don't think mr. pug was. he was happy as long as he was getting laid. i needed more from him.

we've been together over 11 years and i can tell we played with toys early in our relationship. when we started having problems everyone was like, "Get a toy. Go to a sex shop together. Spice things up." what they didn't understand was that we had already done those things.

I never initiated and when we did have sex I felt withdrawn the entire time. I can't imagine how he felt during these sessions. Now, we are both there together the entire time. It's "us" time. We kick our dogs out of the room, turn our phones and the tv off. We set out my favorite vibe (pocket rocket) and lube (silicone). I mean we still have our nights where it is quick and to the point but we still make time for some heavy play.

I know I personally don't like to be asked for sex. I know when Mr. Pug used to be like, "Can we tonight?" that used to drive me crazy. Nothing turned me OFF faster. Maybe you could try just attacking him when his guard is down. Don't give him a chance to say no.

I'd hate to see you leave when everything else is so good in the relationship. I'd definately go and talk to someone first. Like Mr. Pug said, it might just be a hormonal issue with him. They have meds for that now don't they? (can you picture me, the hornball in the doctor's office laugh.gif) Good luck and keep coming back here to vent about it. We're here for you.



Thankyou SO much for responding! I have been going to counseling. He is not up for the idea. Though if I "make" him then he will go. But that would drive me nuts....forcing him and dealing with the puss on his face the whole time! One suggestion, actually today from my session, was to ask him what he wants from me, from the relationship and then give him a piece of paper(from the therapist) that has descriptive words of different feelings, have him and me circle them privately and then share them and go over them together..Words like bored, angry, hurt, lonely, etc. I think this may at least give me some insight! I will try this by the weekend and see how it goes. I will let you know! smile.gif
LoveMyPugs
QUOTE(leathergrl @ Nov 28 2007, 02:19 PM) *
Thankyou SO much for responding! I have been going to counseling. He is not up for the idea. Though if I "make" him then he will go. But that would drive me nuts....forcing him and dealing with the puss on his face the whole time! One suggestion, actually today from my session, was to ask him what he wants from me, from the relationship and then give him a piece of paper(from the therapist) that has descriptive words of different feelings, have him and me circle them privately and then share them and go over them together..Words like bored, angry, hurt, lonely, etc. I think this may at least give me some insight! I will try this by the weekend and see how it goes. I will let you know! smile.gif


you'd be surprised how a good therapist can get them out of the "puss" face and bring them into the conversation. shit, i'd make him go one time. the worst that could happen is that he'd sit there and pout then you just don't bring him back again. at least you tried.
Mr Pugs
QUOTE
you'd be surprised how a good therapist can get them out of the "puss" face and bring them into the conversation. shit, i'd make him go one time. the worst that could happen is that he'd sit there and pout then you just don't bring him back again. at least you tried.


So that's what happened????


*Puts the Puss Face back on...*
LoveMyPugs
that's right!!! you never saw it coming did you?
tesao
you two are SO cute! love it!
humanist77
I hope this is the best thread to bring this up.
Tonight I found a Fed Ex envelope in our bathroom garbage can, and curiously, I looked at it, to find stuff for male sex-enhancers. A small, empty box that had the pills in it, and an information sheet from the company that makes them.
He's never even mentioned any interest in such a thing, much less that he's actually ordered them, and believe me, he doesn't need them. He's almost always able to last a long time, and he needs no help in the size department.
I'm more bothered by the fact that he hasn't said anything about this than the fact that he thinks he needs it. I kind of feel like it's a big deal and it might be something he should discuss with me. On the other hand, I don't think he's necessarily hiding it from me, due to the fact that it was sitting on top of everything in the garbage can-so I have no reason to be suspicious. But don't I have a right to be in on this? Seeing that I'm the one he's using this for?
I know it's kind of lame for me to be asking this-but is this something to be upset about? Or is it his business only? I haven't asked him about it yet; I'm not sure how to approach him.
We've been with each other over 4 years, living together, and we're pretty open about our sex life. This just struck me as unusual...
Thanks for any insight : )
stargazer
well, i would just ask him about it. i mean, you are curious. and i would simply state what you've told us how he is as a lover. and on a side note, knowing that boy is a taurus...um, taurus males do have some insecurity about being effective. if that makes sense. my best gay (who's a taurus) once took his neurotic fearing of not feeling he was able to stay hard enough to the doc to have his sperm count done. funny. man, hopefully, i don't sound crazy. but, i thought i would share.
shinyx3
humanist, i agree that you should talk to him. be open and honest. if he didn't want you to know, he would have hidden it better so i don't think it would even really shock him that you ask about it. let him know that you don't think he needs it at all. but sometimes it is about what he thinks and nt what you think at all so he may feel totally different than you and that is what you should probably talk about.
tesao
humanist: star and shiny are very wise. i agree with them, as well.

several years ago (maybe 3, 4?) i was doing laundry and went into mr. hotbun's gym bag to get dirty clothes out of it. i found condoms. i FREAKED.

fortunately, he wasn't home. i had a chance to sit down and talk to myself, and to convince myself to just ask him about it.

when he came home, i was able to ask him (almost) rationally - i admit i was teary. turns out that they were ancient (he showed me the date on them). he just never throws stuff away.

talk to him. who knows why this stuff was in the garbage?

(((((((((humanist))))))))))

let us know how it goes, ok?
Le' Watcher
Going back to the sex drive questions....just this morning my boyfriend and i had an arguement. I asked him last nite why we were only having sex in the morning, before he went to work. We've been together two years and the first year we were always in bed on the weekends having sex, eating and watching tv....he got all defensive and called me lazy for wanting to have sex all the time and lay around, when he says we could be doing more productive things. This wasnt my gripe tho. I just wanted to know why things changed with out at least a discussion. It just seemed to me like everytime i initiated he turned me down. I feel like we only have sex when he wants to, but what about me? I agree that sex, food and tv all weekend isnt productive, but talking about it is right? He says he loves having sex with me, that in other realationships, this was around the time that he got bored, but he hasnt felt that way with me. When we were arguing, it came to me that maybe he just couldnt keep up and didnt know how to say that. We do have an age diff im 26 hes about to turn 35. But that rationale doesnt make sense to me since we've been so active in the past. He;s been able to go and go with me. He insists that we have to go to the next level and that sex isnt so important that we have to argue about it. He kepts saying, "why are we arguing about sex, i cant beleive we arguing about this" I think sex is important. He even went as far as to ask how i would feel if he just wanted to stop having sex all together, I said that i would definitly have a prob with that. Anywho, now i just feel really bad, like im some crayz sex fein or something. Am i really being irrational? All i want is to be able to talk to him about my gripes without being called lazy, or feeling like my concerns are childish (his word)
WHAT THE FUCK??? i thought all guys wanted to do was have sex all the time!!!
LoveMyPugs
The LTR problems thread is making my head spin today

humanist77 - yeah, when i read your post my stomach turned like i'm sure yours did when you found the box. i feel you girl. if that happened to me and mr. pug the first thing i would think is, "Why didn't he talk to me about this?" then I would start questioning whether i'm approachable or not. my mind would run crazy laps. i would probably overreact because that's what i normally do. however, everyone else's advice to just sit down and talk to him about it is wonderful advice. we are here for you. come back and tell us what happens.

(((((humanist)))))

tesao - condoms??? wow. i would have freaked. i'm such a nervous nilly. always worried and expecting the worst. glad you were able to go to him calmly, teary eyed or not you were still calm. smile.gif

Le'Watcher -

welcome to bust.

first let me say that Mr. Pug and I have been together over 11 years and we still have weekends, quite often actually, where we do nothing but have sex, sleep, watch movies and eat in bed the ENTIRE WEEKEND. I think this is healthy. You bond and spend much needed time together. Shutting the world out once in a while and have some quality nookie time is good IMO. As far as this being "lazy". Well, shit, it is lazy. But...so what? Who gives a shit? People work hard and taking time for themselves isn't a bad thing at all.

He may just not be able to keep up. That might be true. I believe 35 is right around the time that men's sex drive starts to decrease. I can tell you that Mr. Pug and me went from having sex all the time to barely having sex at all almost overnight right around our two year anniversary. We had a dry spell that lasted for years. We started talking about what we both wanted and started experimenting with some new things and now our problems are gone but that's not to say they might not come back again someday.

*crossing my fingers and knocking on wood in hopes that they don't*

The fact that he thinks you "have to go to the next level and that sex isn't so important" that you need to argue about it makes me very upset. He is dismissing your concerns. He asks why you are arguing about sex? Well, shit, because it's important to you and to your relationship. To ask how you would feel if you both just stopped having sex all together IS A BIG PROBLEM. Relationships where the couple has just stopped having sex just shocks me and boggles my mind. IMO longterm relationship with no and i mean no sex = unhealthy soon to end longterm relationship

You are not a crazy sex fein. Every woman and/or man on this site will tell you that. You want to compare apples here? I can't concentrate in class half the time thinking about getting home to Mr. Pug. I often wonder if this happens to him and he says it does once in a while but I don't know if it's as often as it happens to me. I get so horny I'm completely distracted. I asked a girlfriend once if she thought there was something wrong with me. If I had an addiction or something. She said no. She just thinks that Mr. Pug and I weren't seeing eye to eye on the issue of sex for so long that now that we are on the same page we just can't get enough of each other.

As far as all guys wanting to have sex all the time. This is really a myth. I have a friend who could seriously go for months without it and not care. I think it has to do with levels of testosterone or something in each guy. Might be what's affecting your man.

Good luck with your situation.
Le' Watcher
Pugs!!

Thanks for the response. I dont feel so crazy anymore, and actually reading the thread and knowing that im not the only one makes me feel like less of a horny loser. I'm more ticked off at the fact that he disreguards my concerns than anything else. He always pulls the age card with me too and that pisses me off even more. I just really dont like being called lazy, especially after i finish cleaning his dirty toilet, granted that ive been cleansing myself of THC for a drug test and i was able to score a couple of home test kits and i left my specimen in the trash cuz i was in a hurry. I had all the intentions of dumping it when i got back and he used this incident to make a point of my "laziness" when i asked him about the sex thing. I know that it wasnt the right thing to do, but it wasnt all over the place it was sitting in the trash, should i have left it on the counter, after all i wanted to see what happend with the results after a couple of hours, since the last test said i had bunch of drugs in my system that i dont ever even on a bad day, think about taking. Anyway, this is probably TMI, but im still pissed! And he's just lying around enjoying sunday nite football. How can i apporach this subject again, is it worth approching again, should i just let it go?
dayglowpink
Pugs definitely gave some good advice. Le' Watcher- your original post rang some bells for me. My boy and I also used to lay around all day doing it, but it seems much harder to find the time for that now. One morning a few months ago we stayed in bed for a couple of hours, and then he kinda freaked out and started beating himself up for wasting time when he should've been doing other stuff. I got upset and defensive about that, because I felt rejected. Turns out it was a build up for him of his own feelings of laying around doing nothing for a couple of days (times that I was at work or school) and also the fact that he had been supposed to do some stuff with friends of his and had stayed in bed instead of calling them, etc. I had had no clue that stuff was going on, and once we communicated about it better, we both had a better understanding of where the other was coming from. I also just wanna say that you are not a crazy sex fiend or anything like that! Sex is not important for everyone, but if it is important for you, that's totally fine! For me there are definitely many other things in life that are important to me, and I'm not always an awesome sex goddess or anything, but I do not apologize for making sex a priority. I feel like Pugs most of the time. I am thinking about it constantly, and it's very distracting! Right now I'm supposed to be writing a paper, and I'm doing this instead. smile.gif

Something I wanted to bring up about my own situation. I've been hanging out with my boy for about a year and a half. At first our relationship was strictly sex, then more FWB, and over the past year has become a relationship, although somewhat non-traditional. We live together now, too. Recently he has become much more affectionate with me, and things feel even more like a relationship than they ever have. I've been finding that I'm not getting as turned on as I used to, and I wonder if part of what kept me so hot for him before was the fact that he was stand-offish. Now I feel even stronger for him emotionally and still really want to have sex with him, but I'm having less of a physical response, mostly not getting as wet as usual. There's other stuff going on, like we're both working a lot right now, don't have much time, etc., so hopefully it's just a phase or a cycle, but it's kinda bumming me out. It used to be so awesome to feel myself getting all hot and wet just from him putting his hands on me or whatever.

Something else that has been going on is that we've been having some talks about making sex more exciting and deeper and somehow taking it to another level or something. We've both always been very open-minded and dirty in bed, and I think we're both pretty knowledgeable, so it's not anything like learning new techniques or something, but I'm wondering about other people's opinions about what it really means to deeply explore sexual expression with another person. I've never been in a relationship with someone who was interested in that; sex was always something I just sorta did without talking about it or exploring it mentally a whole lot. I really like the idea of doing this, but it's hard for me, too, and I'm not exactly sure how to go about it. Any thoughts? Sorry this is so long!!! I'm procrastinating.
LoveMyPugs
dayglowpink -

QUOTE
I'm not always an awesome sex goddess or anything


i don't believe this for a second. smile.gif

QUOTE
Something I wanted to bring up about my own situation. I've been hanging out with my boy for about a year and a half. At first our relationship was strictly sex, then more FWB, and over the past year has become a relationship, although somewhat non-traditional. We live together now, too. Recently he has become much more affectionate with me, and things feel even more like a relationship than they ever have. I've been finding that I'm not getting as turned on as I used to, and I wonder if part of what kept me so hot for him before was the fact that he was stand-offish. Now I feel even stronger for him emotionally and still really want to have sex with him, but I'm having less of a physical response, mostly not getting as wet as usual. There's other stuff going on, like we're both working a lot right now, don't have much time, etc., so hopefully it's just a phase or a cycle, but it's kinda bumming me out. It used to be so awesome to feel myself getting all hot and wet just from him putting his hands on me or whatever.


First let me say that you are hitting that point (year and a half to two years) where things do start to slow down. That infatuation is getting a little old and life and responsibilities catch up. Living together changes things to. The fact that you feel soooo much more in love with him is so wonderful. I feel more and more in love with Mr. Pug everyday. Doesn't that just feel good in your heart? It does in mine. The "not getting as wet as usual" could be many things. Like you said "there's other stuff going on" like you are both working and don't have time. Like I said the infatuation is loosing it's heat. BUT!!! It's getting replaced with a mountain full of love. Shit girl...just go buy some lube and move on with it. smile.gif I had the same thing happen to me around the same time. I was stupid and didn't start using lube until I was nice and irritated (mentally and physically). Just cause you are having every day stresses and your body is fighting your mind doesn't mean that you aren't "hot" for your man. You are, you just have other things on your mind. It happens to many women so I'm told. I'd definately recommend a silicone lube. Changed my sex life all together.

QUOTE
Something else that has been going on is that we've been having some talks about making sex more exciting and deeper and somehow taking it to another level or something. We've both always been very open-minded and dirty in bed, and I think we're both pretty knowledgeable, so it's not anything like learning new techniques or something, but I'm wondering about other people's opinions about what it really means to deeply explore sexual expression with another person. I've never been in a relationship with someone who was interested in that; sex was always something I just sorta did without talking about it or exploring it mentally a whole lot. I really like the idea of doing this, but it's hard for me, too, and I'm not exactly sure how to go about it. Any thoughts?


Have you tried anal sex yet? That is definately another level. Also, you might want to stop into the fun with floggers thread. We talk about "new" stuff all the time.

You sound happy and I'm happy for you.
edie52
Dayglowpink, this may be something you've done, but have you tried masturbating in front of or with him? I think this has helped my sex life with my current bf- for one thing, masturbating is obviously a really private act and is also (for me) more spiritual (sorry if that sounds cheesy, I just mean more inward, focused...). So to share that with him has been really intimate. Also, the orgasms I have when I do it myself are just more powerful. He makes me feel amazing and most of the time I'd rather have sex than masturbate, but it's when I combine them that I have the most mind-blowing orgasms. If he comes at the same time it's even better.

You could also try slowing down. I don't mean going slow the whole time, or going into full roses-and-candles lovemaking mode, but you could try going slow or stopping when he's really deep inside you, looking at each other, and really paying attention to each others' reactions, and then building up again. I see how this could be lame and awkward, though, if you plan it and are too conscious of it. I guess it kind of just has to happen.

Like I said, I don't know what you guys have tried, and since you said you're fairly dirty and open many things we suggest will probably be nothing new... maybe it's just in the way you approach it.



humanist77
wow, thanks so much ladies for your responses!
I plainly asked him about it and the first thing he says is "they're in the medicine cabinet!" and then "I was curious to see if they'd work."
This is the person who refused to take Airbornes for a cold because he did not trust that "herbal supplements" were safe. I brought that up and he says he's chilled out about that now, and he did a lot of research before getting these.
But damn, was he on top of telling me where he put the pills. Not that I wasn't curious about where they were, and not that I hadn't gone looking for them before I asked him about it, but his immediate reaction was to tell me where they were. hmm.
But my mind is at peace. I still think it's silly for him to use them, but it was nothing but curiosity.
Thanks again for all the concern and advice!
pollystyrene
*cough* you don't want to send those over to my house, do you humanist? *cough* tongue.gif
tankgirl
le'watcher, my boy and i are also the same age as you and yours and we have the same problem. well i wouldnt call it a problem, its pretty normal. i have a really high sex drive and his is pretty average. he has even told me he used to have a girlfriend what would only want to have sex once every few months and he was okay with that... well i'm not lol. what a lot of people need to do is stop comparing themselves to what is normal and what isnt because everybody is different. as long as you can come to a happy medium as far as frequency of sex goes and open communication esp about sex is a plus.

my boy also feels like if we lay in bed all day having sex that hes not getting anything accomplished, which i try not to take too personally unless he is mean about it. we have been together for 4 years and im still having a hard time getting used to that.

i know this is a little bit different but i once found rogaine in a bathroom cabinet hidden behind other things that my (ex) boyfriend of 7 years had been hiding. i felt really upset about it because i feel like even though its a personal thing, i was offended that he couldnt just tell me he wanted to or was using it, but then again he had severe communication issues when it came to sensitive subjects like that. he was also the type that wouldnt even take aspirin for a headache.
dayglowpink
Thanks for the replies, everyone! I'm psyched that this forum seems to be picking up a little bit again. I haven't been here for a while, because it had been so dead. We've definitely tried most of the stuff you guys suggested, but thanks so much for the ideas. Anal is something I have been into off and on, but I'm going through an off phase right now. I'd like to get into it again, though. I definitely go for the lube or spit when I'm not super wet, so that's fine. And we have actually been exploring a lot with very heavy, rough play, which we are both getting really into as well as incorporating the psychological aspect, so that's cool. I'm sure it is just a phase, and that things will continue to grow and change. I am a big worrier, though, and my mind starts to go crazy stressing about stuff and worrying. If I could get that under control, things would be much better, I'm sure! smile.gif
leathergrl
    QUOTE(Mr Pugs @ Nov 29 2007, 09:50 AM) *
    So that's what happened????
    *Puts the Puss Face back on...*



    Hi, I havent shown the paper nor mentioned counseling again. I don't know what I am afraid of. I feel all balsy one moment and then don't want the confrontation the next. Sex was only once Sat morning..not bad. THAT was it. I hinted and mentioned and directly spoke of intimate time in bed together and he just smiled and walked away, or said maybe after the game ( we had 1/2hour before the game would start). I am frustrated and look at places to move to all the time. I plan out in my head what it would be like to be on my own again and eventually date. That sounds exciting and scary at the same time. I don' t honestly think my life could be worse without him....I don't think that I would miss him that much either...we already spen SO much time doing our own projects. that started after we bought the house...we would work on things together and then it became difficult for him to "put up with all my stupid questions". So now I refinish antiques and that takes up alot of quiet time. He seems very content with that, as he does his wood projects. He thinks it is great that I do my own things. We are like roomates more than anything.
    I will try to get the balls to talk with him....soon.
    Thankyou for listening and it helps reading other people's stories and advice.
    LoveMyPugs
    QUOTE(leathergrl @ Dec 4 2007, 10:33 AM) *
      Hi, I havent shown the paper nor mentioned counseling again. I don't know what I am afraid of. I feel all balsy one moment and then don't want the confrontation the next. Sex was only once Sat morning..not bad. THAT was it. I hinted and mentioned and directly spoke of intimate time in bed together and he just smiled and walked away, or said maybe after the game ( we had 1/2hour before the game would start). I am frustrated and look at places to move to all the time. I plan out in my head what it would be like to be on my own again and eventually date. That sounds exciting and scary at the same time. I don' t honestly think my life could be worse without him....I don't think that I would miss him that much either...we already spen SO much time doing our own projects. that started after we bought the house...we would work on things together and then it became difficult for him to "put up with all my stupid questions". So now I refinish antiques and that takes up alot of quiet time. He seems very content with that, as he does his wood projects. He thinks it is great that I do my own things. We are like roomates more than anything.
      I will try to get the balls to talk with him....soon.
      Thankyou for listening and it helps reading other people's stories and advice.


      leathergrl - no offense but your man sounds very condescending. he irritates me just reading your posts. i'd have none of that if i were you. "smiled and walked away" fuck him. don't let him walk away from you when you're expressing concern about a certain aspect of your relationship that's important to you. WTF? I really wonder what he'd say if you told him you were leaving. Would he care? Do you think he'd care? i mean i'm not by any means telling you to play that card but still. He doesn't sound like he cares much. Sorry but your posts make me irritated with him. Who does he think he is?
      nickclick
      QUOTE(leathergrl @ Dec 4 2007, 10:33 AM) *
      I am frustrated and look at places to move to all the time. I plan out in my head what it would be like to be on my own again and eventually date. That sounds exciting and scary at the same time. I don' t honestly think my life could be worse without him....I don't think that I would miss him that much either...

      EXAAAAAAAAAACTLY how i used to feel before breaking up with my long-term ex.

      QUOTE(leathergrl @ Dec 4 2007, 10:33 AM) *
      "put up with all my stupid questions".

      EXAAAAAAAACTLY what my ex said, often.

      my EX.

      i have to agree with pugs that from what you say, he irks me too. other times you've tried to talk to him, is there always confrontation?

      (thanks for letting me de-lurk to add my 2cents)
      Le' Watcher
      QUOTE(tankgirl @ Dec 3 2007, 02:27 PM) *
      le'watcher, my boy and i are also the same age as you and yours and we have the same problem. well i wouldnt call it a problem, its pretty normal. i have a really high sex drive and his is pretty average. he has even told me he used to have a girlfriend what would only want to have sex once every few months and he was okay with that... well i'm not lol. what a lot of people need to do is stop comparing themselves to what is normal and what isnt because everybody is different. as long as you can come to a happy medium as far as frequency of sex goes and open communication esp about sex is a plus.

      my boy also feels like if we lay in bed all day having sex that hes not getting anything accomplished, which i try not to take too personally unless he is mean about it. we have been together for 4 years and im still having a hard time getting used to that.

      i know this is a little bit different but i once found rogaine in a bathroom cabinet hidden behind other things that my (ex) boyfriend of 7 years had been hiding. i felt really upset about it because i feel like even though its a personal thing, i was offended that he couldnt just tell me he wanted to or was using it, but then again he had severe communication issues when it came to sensitive subjects like that. he was also the type that wouldnt even take aspirin for a headache.





      TankGirl, Pugs and Eveyone else!!! Thanks for the support on the posts!!! I was about to start investigating sex addicts anonymous!! Hee hee...I brought it up again, to him and i took it a step further and discussed my bigger issue, which is, his not taking my concerns seriously. They way he reacted when i first mentioned it to him drove me nutz because i felt like he was totally belittling my feelings. And he's such a right brainer too, tough love type of dood...anywho i got laid that nite and last nite!!! So i cant complain, papabear showed some luv....and its very true about him not feeling like he's getting certain things acomplished while off the mattress. So i guess, i just got to be...hmmm understanding...
      sassygrrl
      I'm glad I've found this thread. I honestly thought I was the only one with the same problem. Mcgeek's ex wife and him barely ever had sex (he once told me that they went years without it), and he was fine with this. Um, No. I'm just got a very high sex drive, and he doesn't.

      As well as the laying in bed situation, where he feels like he must be doing something all the time (cleaning, working, whatever). We've been together for a little over a year now. I think it's much like what Ms. Pugs said about the infatutation being over(paraphasing here).

      Leathergirl, I feel that way sometimes as well(feel like you want to date other people).

      I know I've been lurking here, but it's nice to know that some people are going thru the same thing as me.

      LoveMyPugs
      i can't remember the last time mr. pug and i had sex. i think it was last week or so. been so busy with school and stressing with my parents staying with us it's the last thing on my mind. this morning he was like, "Oh, I want you so bad. I miss you so much." and I was like, "Um...sleeping. Not listening. Brain going a mile a minute even while sleeping. Tests, projects, period on it's way. Not going to happen. Leave me alone." Seriously, I'm not even thinking about it right now. Isn't that terrible. Maybe next week I'll be back on track. I feel really shitty for being like this but for right now. Seriously it's just not going to happen.
      leathergrl
      QUOTE(LoveMyPugs @ Dec 4 2007, 12:59 PM) *
      leathergrl - no offense but your man sounds very condescending. he irritates me just reading your posts. i'd have none of that if i were you. "smiled and walked away" fuck him. don't let him walk away from you when you're expressing concern about a certain aspect of your relationship that's important to you. WTF? I really wonder what he'd say if you told him you were leaving. Would he care? Do you think he'd care? i mean i'm not by any means telling you to play that card but still. He doesn't sound like he cares much. Sorry but your posts make me irritated with him. Who does he think he is?



      Sorry...he irks me too!!! About 7 weeks ago I told him (I think I will refer to my boyfriend as "Pus") about my emotional affair with a coworker, that had lasted about 5 months. We would spend time talking and laughing. He loved EVERYTHING about me. He was sweet and kind to me and made me feel so good about myself...he wanted more, but I was not ready to jump full speed into another relationship, esp. when I had to get through my current one. We no longer talk. So "Pus" handled it well. He actually apologized and said it was his fault, that he had not made an effort when I had talks w/ him before about my needs and not being happy. Quite surprising that he was OK w/ what I had done. (No sex was involved). He said he would make things "right" this time. That lasted about 3 weeks! smile.gif I AM working on my plan "B". Putting some finaces aside so I can move out. I do believe I've played the fool long enough. It does disturb me how unintereseted in sex he is. And no, he won't go to the MD or store to fix things...tried that. You are right...F Him!!!!!
      leathergrl
      QUOTE(nickclick @ Dec 4 2007, 02:22 PM) *
      EXAAAAAAAAAACTLY how i used to feel before breaking up with my long-term ex.
      EXAAAAAAAACTLY what my ex said, often.

      my EX.

      i have to agree with pugs that from what you say, he irks me too. other times you've tried to talk to him, is there always confrontation?

      (thanks for letting me de-lurk to add my 2cents)


      Nickclick, I appreciate your 2 cents smile.gif How long were you and your EX together for? I feel very guilty about leaving him...I know that sounds cheesy...I play the relationship over and over in my head , trying to figure it all out and where/when he lost interest/started being so much more angry towards me and selfish. He is like a seesaw(spelling?). One minute we get along great, next he is an self righteous ass and I would love nothing more than to smack him upside the head!! All in all..he is not such a bad person, he works hard and takes care of our home..my problem is that I want more than just a friend w/ occassional benefits. I want love and respect and yeah..some romance! To feel sexy and wanted by him would be nice too! biggrin.gif
      mariahill_sex_toys
      I think ex are more or less all the same ! how sad !
      crinoline
      'kay, so this might be a lil crazy, but I have been feeling guilty all day because I had a sex dream. My first vivid, explicit sex dream that did not feature Crinoboy.
      I mean, in the dream I was aware that I was being unfaithful, but I didn't care because it felt so good. IRL I would never even dip a toe into infidelity, and the dream really bothers me. Here's the dream in a nutshell for you analysts:
      I am in highschool, walking with the rest of my class to weekly Church. Next to me is J, the boy I dated before Crinoboy my junior year. (IRL I broke up with J because I was a late bloomer and he was very aggressive and a little oversexed) He suddenly pulls me into the bushes off of the path. I protest that we'll get in trouble and I'm with Crinoboy now, but he says he doesn't care and starts kissing me. I resist until J does this open mouth thing on my throat that Crinoboy always does and suddenly I'm wild. We start to really makeout against a tree, and oddly the dry-humping that always bothered and frightened me with J IRL is very exciting in the dream. So, long story short we go much further than we ever did IRL when he shoves his hand down my panties. Later he spins me around for doggy style sex against the tree.

      I woke up feeling hot and bothered (that almost-orgasm thing from a wet dream) and very, very guilty. I could barely look him in the eye this morning until after I'd showered.

      Is this unreasonable? Is it normal to feel guilty over something like this, or should I chalk it up to random synapses?
      nickclick
      QUOTE(leathergrl @ Dec 8 2007, 03:03 PM) *
      Nickclick, I appreciate your 2 cents smile.gif How long were you and your EX together for? I feel very guilty about leaving him...I know that sounds cheesy...I play the relationship over and over in my head , trying to figure it all out and where/when he lost interest/started being so much more angry towards me and selfish. He is like a seesaw(spelling?). One minute we get along great, next he is an self righteous ass and I would love nothing more than to smack him upside the head!! All in all..he is not such a bad person, he works hard and takes care of our home..my problem is that I want more than just a friend w/ occassional benefits. I want love and respect and yeah..some romance! To feel sexy and wanted by him would be nice too! biggrin.gif

      hi leathergirl, are you still lurking? sorry. how are things going? we were together over 9 years! ugh. we deserve all the love and respect and romance.

      crinoline, i'm no dream analyst or whatev, but i don't think having a sex dream with another person necessarily means you want to have sex with someone else. it could just mean you're bored with some aspect of your life, i dunno. either way, at least you did so in your dream/fantasy/subconscious life, not your real one! enjoy your imagination... sounded like a fun dream to me!
      stargazer
      crino, were you brought up in a strict religious faith? something about this dream deals with hiding or the turn on of getting caught....breaking the rules. also, the aspect of the ex. have you been thinking about him recently? it seems like a harmless dream. and you know, you can still fantasize about others and remain committed and faithful to crinoboy. you are a living human being. do you and crinoboy share sex fantasies with one another? this dream could serve as a way to add something fun to your sex life. just a thought.
      LoveMyPugs
      QUOTE(crinoline @ Jan 10 2008, 05:52 PM) *
      Is this unreasonable? Is it normal to feel guilty over something like this, or should I chalk it up to random synapses?


      crinoline -

      i often have sex dreams in general. to be honest they are sometimes off the wall. i dream about having sex with mr. pug's friends often. i tell him about it of course because i tell him everything. he's never bothered by it.

      the thing that always interests me and makes me feel better i guess is that even though i'm "cheating" in my dreams the sex is always like the sex i have with mr. pug. other times, it's his head on another person's body or another person's head on his body. 99% of the time my sex dreams usually contain some aspect of mr. pug or my relationship with him. so in my mind, even thought i'm cheating, it's like i still want him and only him. kind of like when you said, "J does this open mouth thing on my throat that Crinoboy always does and suddenly I'm wild" it's it funny how the thing he does to you that puts you over the edge is what Crinoboy does to you. that's what you want. that's what turns you on. what your man and lover does to you. a stranger wouldn't know that. your one and only does. that's what counts.

      when i wake up all hot and bothered i usually want sex and mr. pug makes out in the long run.

      i, like you, are as loyal as they come and would never dream of cheating on mr. pug (IRL). i don't know what causes the dreams. i'm a horny chick so that might really have something to do with it laugh.gif . i wouldn't worry about it so.

      i find that i have most of my sex dreams when i'm on my period. usually because i want it and it's not happening. the other night i know i had a sex dream althought i can't remember what happened. i woke mr. pug up in the middle of the night and wanted to mess around even though i was still asleep. then i rolled over leaving mr. pug high and dry and didn't remember anything the next morning. it's crazy shit in my head sometimes.

      something funny to add. one time mr. pug had a dream that i went down on one of his best friends. he was furious the next day. he could hardly look at me let alone his friend the next time he saw him. i thought it was really amusing.

      don't worry about it. it was after all just a dream.
      crinoline
      Thanks for the support y'all!
      Yeah, I feel much better about it today. I just sort of panicked right after because it had never happened to me before. Crinoboy is the only man I've ever physically "wanted" (IRL, not counting the Depp, of course!).

      LMP- that's a good point on there being aspects of crinoboy there, even though he wasn't. That makes me feel better.

      Stargazer - while my family is non-practicing, I attended a religious school (where I met crinoboy!), and I was born and raised in the Bible belt. At school we had daily chapel and weekly church, and our sex ed consisted of a preacher's wife teaching us abstinence. So I do find that I have guilt issues related to that, and it does feel very "naughty" to break the rules.

      The more I think about it, the less scary the dream seems. I think it was more an expression of my sexual maturity, or "coming into my own" or whatever. I feel like I would be able to respond positively to J as the woman I am, instead of with fear as the girl I was. Sex doesn't scare me anymore, it isn't dirty or wrong, and I feel good about that.

      Crinoboy and I don't share fantasies because he "doesn't have them". I've tried, but where mine are always narrative with costumes and scenery his fall along the lines of "I thought about fucking you. The end.". So we never get anywhere. Does anyone have tips for getting a shy, stubborn guy to come out of his shell and risk a little imagination?
      shinyx3
      crin, my hubby is, deep down, a good irish catholic and i can not get him to talk about fantasies either. he seems to like when i do but is not willing to himself. it is sorta funny to me because i also grew up pretty strict religiously but i am do not at all associate with the church i was raised in. (quite frankly they disgust me) he is not a practicing catholic and doesn't even believe it anymore. (he is a scientist and they don't jive) but once i caught him looking at porn and the look on his face was priceless! it was like a kid that had been caught stealing cookies. the funny thing is i have no worry or problem with porn and even funnier is that he doesn't seem to like porn much. anyway, my point is that there can be alot of guilt associated with sex when it was always refered to as a no no because of religion. i think that can be a real challenge to get over.
      banshee
      QUOTE(crinoline @ Jan 11 2008, 03:13 PM) *
      Thanks for the support y'all!
      Yeah, I feel much better about it today. I just sort of panicked right after because it had never happened to me before. Crinoboy is the only man I've ever physically "wanted" (IRL, not counting the Depp, of course!).

      Crinoboy and I don't share fantasies because he "doesn't have them". I've tried, but where mine are always narrative with costumes and scenery his fall along the lines of "I thought about fucking you. The end.". So we never get anywhere. Does anyone have tips for getting a shy, stubborn guy to come out of his shell and risk a little imagination?


      i have a similar dilema with my boy. my boy, we'll call him Banshee Boy, has been extremely reticient to tell me about the things that really get him off. we've been dating for about 8 months and have already moved in together. everything's great. he's a great guy and he says he's having a hard time confessing his kinks to me because he loves me so much and partly because i'm "too cute" and "too sweet." he feels "bad" about "corrupting" me. maybe some of this has something to with the age difference (i'm 26, he's 40).

      i try to encourage him by suggesting how hot it should be - getting to corrupt a youngin'... but he's still holding back. i've also encouraged him to put together a porn compilation... figuring that maybe it would be easier for him to show me what he likes instead of telling me flat out. he's dragging his feet. its frustrating because i really want to make sure i'm satisfying him sexually - but its hard to do that if i don't know what that entails. i think he's afraid that his fantasies might offend my feminist sensibilities (i'm assuming it's some kind of bdsm???). no matter how many times i try to convince him that i won't judge him, he's still reluctant to fess up.

      crino: unlike crinoboy, Banshee Boy acknowledges he *has* fantasies... he just won't divulge them. the only thing that we've established is that it doesn't involve fecal matter or beastiality (phew!). (as an aside: i have to say the "I thought about fucking you. The End" line left me in stitches!)

      anyone else encountered this particular dilema in a relationship?
      venetia
      I don't think I'd push too hard if the other person seemed genuinely reticent. Sometimes people just want to keep part of their sexuality private or unspoken, maybe until it comes up naturally, maybe it will never come up.

      In the case of Bansheeboy it sounds like maybe he does want to share whatever-it-is, but what if Crinoboy is like, say, me, and really doesn't have much in the way of fantasies?

      venetia
      (Hiya!! - I'm on dial-up, so Bust takes a while - even with the images turned off - and also trying to finish a PhD thesis, but I thought I'd drop in)
      opheliathemuse
      /cheers ven is baaaaack =)

      Don't see much of you much either, rudderless. I spose I stick in the wrong threads!

      I wouldn't push for specifics, but Banshee, maybe try something you like and see whether he likes it. Just small. If you are inclined to thinking it's bdsm, are you open to that? If so, are you willing to learn more about it? You sound as though you have your suspicions, and he also sounds somewhat like he is putting you on a pedestal. Maybe you can show him you can do double duty. Also, what do you like? it's important to please him, but it's equally important to tell him what you want. Write him a dirty letter maybe...? It might reset the "too cute" perception.

      *my appearance is often "too cute" so I too have to think of innovative ways to get around that at first. Good luck!
      LoveMyPugs
      rudderless - on new years eve, this dude that i'm not crazy about was at this party i was attending. he walked up on me telling a group of my girlfriends about the hitachi mr. pug just bought me. i was going into graphic details about how great it is. the girls were asking questions and laughing and he was just shocked that I !!!! would know about such things. I wanted slap him. I hate how people think they know you based off of your looks. We also started talking about piercings and how he has his navel done and I mentioned that I have my nipples done and his jaw hit the floor.
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