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starship
about the 'cute/sweet persona'- i actually like the fact that I'm often a lot different to what people expect based on first appearences. It's fun to break a few stereotypes wink.gif
Owl_Gang_Girl
You're lucky that people think you're cute and sweet. People just expect me to be a rough, tough, sex addict type or even worse some sort of a boy-girl hybrid. Just because I can talk to men and sometimes turn the air blue doesn't mean i'm not a big, soppy girl who likes al green songs when I do it and hair stroking in the morning!! I'm just glad my boyfriend knows when to mess around and when to treat me like a woman.
BustiRubi
Starship, I totally understand. I'm really just a nice sweet person and my bf thinks i'm cute but I can tell he gets turned on by seeing me switch to sexy heheh happy.gif

pure-liquid-wonderment

Yes! I have this problem. Like Crinoboy, my guy is a 'I thought about fucking you. The End' kinda guy. It hasn't caused any problems for us though I just accepted that he likes things plain and simple whereas i need whole scenarios.

Oh by the way i just joined so if this post looks really fucked up...that is why.
crinoline
I discovered something about my relationship last night.
It's always bothered me that Crinoboy never, ever says my name in the context of sex. Once we start getting amorous, I'm strictly "baby". I confronted him about it, and he got really uncomfortable. It's like by avoiding using my name he's been hoping to somehow "leave me out of it". Because I'm a "lady", he thought that by never using my name I could somehow still remain "pure".
Talk about your madonna/whore dichotomy.
So I explained how that makes me feel (bad/left out) and he was willing to try it. So last night, for the first time he used my name while I was doing something "dirty". It was awesome! It was hot and intimate and beautiful. I think we both realized that we were holding ourselves back in some ways because of our culture and preconceptions.
Now I can't wait to try it again. It sounds like a small thing, but it felt like a big step for us.
dayglowpink
That's really interesting, crinoline. I've always loved hearing my name during sex, but for some reason I have a hard time saying my guy's name. I also usually say babe if anything. I'm not sure where my issue comes from, but I think it does have something to do with holding myself back. Maybe it feels too intimate, and that's scary for me?? I'll have to think about it.

Sex issues in my relationship are getting annoying. We've reached some kind of standoff about sex a lot of the time. Both of us want to have things spiced up, but we then we each start resenting the other for not making enough of an effort, and then we (individually) say fuck it, so nothing changes. We've had a couple of talks about it where we seem to understand each other, but then things still don't change. Sometimes I feel like I'm putting effort in, but he doesn't perceive it as enough, and he tends to just shut down and focus on himself. It's frustrating. We're both very very sexual people, and it doesn't seem like it should be this difficult. I guess emotional issues become involved, and there are some problems in that area, so maybe I shouldn't be surprised that they come out in the bedroom.
LoveMyPugs
dayglowpink - honey i just think it's life. honestly...mr. pug and i are both very sexual people and we just aren't ever on the same page. he's fired up and i'm not in the mood or vice versa. we probably have really great sex like once a month. the rest of the time one of us is just appeasing the other. i used to get really frustrated and upset about this like he didn't care or didn't want to work to make it better but to be honest he's tired and/or i'm tired. work, school, housework, homework, bills, family, friends, it all just gets in the way. seriously, i could be on my way up the stairs to our bedroom with nothing on my mind other then putting mr. pug's cock in my mouth and then my mom or my sister calls to complain about something and the mood just leaves me. mr. pug could be in the mood to fuck me six ways from sunday and he'll have to go balance the checkbook right quick and then it's like eh nevermind. i can't tell you how many times one of us says to the other, "do you mind if we do it tomorrow?" i've read your posts and i know you two are still very hot for one another. you both would probably fuck all day long if you had the time and energy. honestly, to me it's just life getting in the way. i guess my only suggestion is really put a lot of effort into the times that you both are really feeling it and go crazy. this is what we have started to do. last night we had AMAZING sex. i mean oral, vag, anal, name calling, spanking, hair pulling, vibrating, orgasm after orgasm. it was wonderful. we both just passed the fuck out afterwards. the sad thing is that it's probably the first time we've had sex in close to two weeks. i was on my period and it was a long gross process this month. i didn't want to be touched in any way shape or form. we eventually came together. last night was great and it was enough to sustain me for another week if need be (hopefully not *knock on wood*). it will get better. smile.gif
*hug*
sybarite
Dayglowpink, if there are ongoing tensions you can bet they'll come out during sex. When my mister and I were going through a rough patch I was full of resentment and sex became this tense, almost dishonest thing. We were so emotionally distant that sex itself seemed hypocritical. I never want to have sex like that again.

I don't think you are anywhere near that point, but I just wanted to say that emotions and sex can be very bound up in each other. You may have to start untangling the emotional issues before the sex can get extra fun again. And yes, life and work can get in the way too, of course. You're both into the idea of spicing it up though which I think is a good sign. Good luck.
nickclick
QUOTE(LoveMyPugs @ Feb 19 2008, 12:19 AM) *
(hopefully not *knock on wood*). it will get better. smile.gif
ha a, pun intended?

while i understand that boring life stuff gets in the way of the sex life we all want, sometimes i get annoyed with mr.nick because he's too tired. i'm like - why are you choosing sleep over sex with me? he's like - i won't be at my best if i don't have the energy. but i don't need it to be the best ever, just better than nothing.
dayglowpink
Thanks for the comments. I'm sure all the reasons behind it are complicated. Ugh. Feeling negative about it right now, but I'm in a bad mood. dry.gif
LoveMyPugs
QUOTE(nickclick @ Feb 23 2008, 12:19 PM) *
ha a, pun intended?

while i understand that boring life stuff gets in the way of the sex life we all want, sometimes i get annoyed with mr.nick because he's too tired. i'm like - why are you choosing sleep over sex with me? he's like - i won't be at my best if i don't have the energy. but i don't need it to be the best ever, just better than nothing.


laugh.gif no it wasn't intended...but it was funny!!

yes, i get annoyed too. sleep? and sleep over sex? sex is like pizza..even when it's bad it's still pretty good. come on now!!
konphusion26
Dang are our guys brothers or something????? I get that "i'm tired" stuff too. Then again, mine might actually BE tired because he has untreated sleep apnea. It sucks cuz my sex drive is like 20 times higher than his so I'm left awake and annoyed and totally in the mood but can't do anything about it. Gaah!
nickclick
totally... mr.nick also has the sleep apnea. he works full-time, teaches lessons and has gigs/rehearsals. i get WHY he's tired. i just don't get why he'd rather not spend his precious free time nekkid with the hot girl he loves! i get plenty of snuggles and affection, that's for sure. am i being spoiled?
sassygrrl
Add Mcgeek to the list. It annoys the hell out of me!!
dayglowpink
bumping this thread back up

Ugh. Need to vent. I'm having issues with my boy and our sex life right now. I can't even begin to explain all the complicated aspects of what's going on, but we're in a major rut and a power struggle of sorts over sex, and it really sux. The funny thing is that everything else about our relationship is going great and better than it ever has been. And it seems a little ironic, because our relationship started as exclusively sexual. I'm irritated about it and being super obstinate, and I've decided that I'm not going to initiate sex at all for a while. It's pretty much hardheaded and stubborn, but for the time being I don't care. We've tried to talk about the issues so many times, and the conversation never seems to end up going anywhere. We both talk about how frustrated we are and what bothers us, but we never break out of the old pattern. It makes me sad, too, because we're both such sexual people, and there is so much potential for us to have a really great sex life, but I guess each of us has certain issues in the way that we're having a hard time getting over. Hope this is a phase and we'll get through it.
AsparagusBerry
QUOTE(crinoline @ Feb 18 2008, 11:37 AM) *
I discovered something about my relationship last night.
It's always bothered me that Crinoboy never, ever says my name in the context of sex. Once we start getting amorous, I'm strictly "baby". I confronted him about it, and he got really uncomfortable. It's like by avoiding using my name he's been hoping to somehow "leave me out of it". Because I'm a "lady", he thought that by never using my name I could somehow still remain "pure".
Talk about your madonna/whore dichotomy.
So I explained how that makes me feel (bad/left out) and he was willing to try it. So last night, for the first time he used my name while I was doing something "dirty". It was awesome! It was hot and intimate and beautiful. I think we both realized that we were holding ourselves back in some ways because of our culture and preconceptions.
Now I can't wait to try it again. It sounds like a small thing, but it felt like a big step for us.


You know, I have often thought about saying my mans name during sex, but it has never ever felt right. I almost feel fake even thinking about saying his name...because its not something I have ever done before. I do have a friend who regularly uses names in bed...lets just say, two relationships...in a row ended because of it.
p_176
my guy loves the saying of names in the throes of making love. it reaffirms that you are connected with the person you're making love with.
i know that sounds really corny~ :-)
LoveMyPugs
Mr. Pug and I will both say each others name during the heat of the moment. I love when he uses my name. It's a huge turn on for me. Gues it's a couple to couple thing. Whatever rubs your budda right? laugh.gif
deathaniexo
QUOTE(dayglowpink @ May 17 2008, 10:21 PM) *
bumping this thread back up

Ugh. Need to vent. I'm having issues with my boy and our sex life right now. I can't even begin to explain all the complicated aspects of what's going on, but we're in a major rut and a power struggle of sorts over sex, and it really sux. The funny thing is that everything else about our relationship is going great and better than it ever has been. And it seems a little ironic, because our relationship started as exclusively sexual. I'm irritated about it and being super obstinate, and I've decided that I'm not going to initiate sex at all for a while. It's pretty much hardheaded and stubborn, but for the time being I don't care. We've tried to talk about the issues so many times, and the conversation never seems to end up going anywhere. We both talk about how frustrated we are and what bothers us, but we never break out of the old pattern. It makes me sad, too, because we're both such sexual people, and there is so much potential for us to have a really great sex life, but I guess each of us has certain issues in the way that we're having a hard time getting over. Hope this is a phase and we'll get through it.


I had the very same situation in my relationship not too long ago. i felt the same way, i was sad and frustrated and decided well "f that" i'm not gonna even try. realistically, there is probably something bothering both of you that you may not even realize. after 3 1/2 years together, my partner and i decided to try something new and have a semi-open relationship and then we were on FIRE. I'm not suggesting opening your relationship, maybe you guys should just try something new to both of to re-ignite your sex life.
BustiRubi
QUOTE(LoveMyPugs @ Feb 19 2008, 12:19 AM) *
you both would probably fuck all day long if you had the time and energy. honestly, to me it's just life getting in the way.
*hug*


LIFE, indeed. I'm a little bummed that since we both are on our summer vacation school won't be stressing us out and cutting in on out together time, but the bad news is he wont be back at home with me because he's staying to work- i won't see him in 3 months :/

The good thing is that he is here for a couple weeks days and yesterday was just perfect! while I was home alone, he came over and we spent the afternoon having sweet sweaty dirty sex in my bedroom wink.gif
we went out and and came home spooned and fooled around in my room and "watched movies" while my parents were home...most of the time I was falling asleep because I didn't get much sleep the night before ( talking dirty to him on AIM until 3 am. then waking up at 7 for a dr.'s apt)

Before we know it it was 12 midnight and we had sex tiwice within the hour (while my parents were asleep in the room next door) I was so nervous because I have never done that before..and tend to be kinda loud. It was HOT! I whispered to him that I wanted to scream his name soo loud (i've never actually done it before but I wanted to then, i just stick to "babe") we tend to call each other pet names for fun not during sex really... the cheesiest ones get you more points hahaha. the day was so wonderful and we haven't had so much time to do that in soo long.
Summer has definitely come like cinnamon...soooo sweeet!





BustiRubi
I just realized I could have posted that in the Portions thread...

but I it does really stress me out that things won't be the same once we both get busier and living situations change.

at the same time I believe this time away from each other will fire up our sex life a A LOT. We should be rested up, hopefully, hehe. If we took advantage of these moments after weeks of "tired-sex-during-finals-weeks"/ Sex once a week , then I'd like to see what September will be like...Or even July If I get to see him again sooner.


dayglowpink
So we had two more big talks about our sex life within the past week. The outlook is fair. I'll say that I have a much better understanding of his side of things. Even though nothing super new came out, something about the way he explained it made me get it in a different way than I ever have. It seems that one of his biggest turn-ons is confidence in the bedroom, and it's just something I don't have. I am more of the goofy, self-conscious type, and I am terrible at being seductive and confident in my ability to turn him on. He'd be into me wearing sexy lingerie and high heels or whatever and not being silly and embarrassed about it, but that seems so hard to me. I'm more comfortable being straightforward and not bothering with the whole sexy flirtacious game aspect of it. But I would love to be able to do that for him and for myself, really. When I even think about it, though, it just seems foreign and embarrassing. I know if I did it with confidence and self-assurance he'd be into it, but I don't know if I can talk myself out of the self-consciousness.

Another issue that came up that's pretty serious to me but that I don't really know how to handle or even think about- he's been going down on me less and less, and it really bums me out. I finally brought this up to him. He's told me before that it's one of his favorite things to do in bed, so I knew it wasn't some issue of his. But apparently he feels like we are just not compatible in this area I guess because of the positioning that I like being physically uncomfortable for him. I have a hard time orgasming, and I like to lay flat on my back with my legs straight out in order to come, and somehow that causes him a lot of frustration and discomfort. Or something. I don't know if that's the whole thing; I didn't really get him to elaborate, because it really hurts my feelings, and it's hard for me to even have a conversation about it without getting upset. So my head's kind of spinning on that one, because he feels like it may be something that can't be resolved. And I find myself in the situation of asking myself whether that's a deal breaker for me. I have never been in that position before. Everyone I've ever had sex with has been super into it, and it's never been an issue. It's weird.
girltrouble
dayglow, you might try rollplay to get into the whole sexy confidance thing. i know it sounds like a recipe for more silly/awkwardness, but you have to go at it like an actress, and not break character. but choose a roll that you feel comfortable with, and stay in that mind set. one thing that helps me is to make that roll very subtle at first so if it doesn't work for you, you don't have to feel embarassed about it in front of your partner, but then you can try amping it up, and see if that can get you out of your playful/silly mindset.

but for what it's worth, my favorite gf's were all silly/playful, and there is room to be confidant in that playfulness. further, they were some of the best lovers i've had. that playfulness made doing some creative, imaginative, and sometimes kinky things, not just fun, but stimulating, compelling and very enjoyable. perhaps he just doesn't know when he's got a good thing, and can't see the forrest for the trees.

as for the going down business, i know it kinda hurts, to hear these things, if, and it's not a requirement, if you want to fix what is going on with him, you need to make space for him to tell his truth without getting hurt feelings. i know that's a tall order, but if you go with your emotions, he can't tell you, because to do so is to hurt you. but as i said, this is not a requirement.

best of luck. it's not an easy situation, and i hope whatever choice you make gets you to a happier dayglow, cos from where i sit, you are pretty extraordinary.
Moonpieluv
((dayglow)) thought I'd post in this thread, as my reply is concerned with going down and sex in general....
I have the same frustration with this area. I think that I can count on one hand how many times Mr. Luv has plunged. We have been together since Feb. OUCH!! right? I will say that most of the time, I am extremely moist before he would even get to that part... so I have skipped it and went straight for penetration. And I haven't outrightly asked for it either... usually because I am so responsive.

However, I always warm him up because I enjoy oral-I enjoy pleasing him... and there are times where he does other things to stimulate me below--fingers and such. BUT---it would be nice if he initiated oral like he has done before more often. He does a good job. I have never had any complaints....my ex was always up for the 69, etc. After the big ex, another guy I dated didn't do as much... but still did it.
So, this leads me to think... again... maybe he's just not that into it. All people are different, so I don't want to shun him for it, but....

Should I be reading into this?
I have had the talk with him concerning the frequency of sex... his response "I'm just not as sexual as you are apparently". "It's not as important to me". As I realize that sex is a healthy part of a relationship, it isn't all of a committed, romantic relationship. I ask myself... is it just that I'm used to men being more sexual as experienced in my past? am I just a frisky gal? (I have been told that I am) I do like it a bit kinky...

He doesn't talk openly about the functions of sex... nor does he use sexy talk in bed... he prefers to say "i love you" and use my name instead (which totally turns me on). Sexy lingerie doesn't seem to phase him, although I haven't whipped out my betsy johnson stuff yet.... rolleyes.gif ((Dayglow)) do you feel similar to how he feels? Does it sound like he may have a confidence issue?

I used to be more aggressive with him in the beginning, but now... I feel like I'm this wildcat seizing its prey. sigh....
Moonpieluv
did I kill the thread? Ima so sorry. sheesh. uh... it's been a week since he has initiated any sexual advance. I've inadvertantly tried without being blatant using affection and cuddling and what not... cause I feel like I'm against a brick wall.... like it's not okay for me to initiate this particular expression of love in a supposedly romantic, loving relationship.

houston... I think we have a problem?

HELP! I think I need to direct this post to the mating game thread... duh... whadya think?

p.s. I wanna whistle... "if I only had a brain"... do dah doodle dah do dah doooo... and then skip a little.
BustiRubi
Oral, not the most important thing for everyone but a sometimes touchy and taboo for some.
I noticed at first he wouldn't really initiate it himself, then later I would begin to bring it up-to which he did not complain.
The last times were different because he actually initiated it himself.

There could be an issue of confidence, or at least something along those lines. I guess guys may worry about pleasing the woman and maybe it just comes down to experience. Because I noticed the more he did it the more into he got it was different than the first time, for sure.

I have to admit that I'm not always 100% into the idea of me giving a guy oral especially with some past experiences.
but to myself I figured it was something I wanted to do especially for him without even talking about it with him...it turns out it's not his most favorite thing.

It's not my most favorite thing either...or not yet at least. I'm just willing to explore before really saying I don't enjoy or am not comfortable doing something. Especially If I know it will make him happy, because that does please me. Naturally, I feel that I am a sexual person and I don't want to pressure him to always do some things but I think there is an amount of respect shown if you at least try it. That is why there is form of communication called talking. I would have never known that he just can't come during oral....or not yet.....heheh. There will be another time for that conversation or that experimentation.

Reading these posts makes me step back a little and wonder how much he is enjoying it because of me and how much he actually wants to enjoy it himself...


vegdumpling
dayglow, i get your frustrations about attitude perhaps not synching and the diminishing oral sex. for me it went down (pun not intended) a bit different, my boy has told me for the longest time that he enjoys a more subtle come on than i was giving. i enjoy being the agressor and initiator which is odd because i'm completely opposite during sex, anyway, i tried being more "coy." confidence isn't a bad thing but sometimes playing a role that is too far from your natural inclinations can be a turn off. at least it was for me and despite his predictions that he would be more turned on, he seemed to be turned off as well because we had hardly any sex. i guess i'd have to say that the experiment ended well because it seemed to jumpstart our appreciation for who we already are and our sex life again. you totally deserve to enjoy who you naturally are in the bedroom and be confident in that but don't be afraid to try something new, sometimes it ends well even when it goes badly.

the going down stuff, i've got nothing. he always told me it was something he loved and he does it so well but as time goes on he wants to do it less. i'm the only long term girlfriend he's ever had and i just suppose that as horrible as it sounds i'm just not something new to explore anymore. we've been together like 5 years and it's become a bargaining term for him to get out of something he really doesn't want to do. i really hate that because everything about him is still such a turn on for me but i really don't know what to do about it.
vegdumpling
moonpie, i really hope that talk is successful. perhaps he is upset about something unrelated and it's effecting his libido. my boy has been pretty down and sex was almost non existent for like a month or so (yay, it's back just recently) but i know even though i suffered it didn't have much to do with me.

in general, he is definitely less sexual than me. i want him every day but he hasn't been like that for a few years. if it is the case of you just not having matching libidos... well, there has to be a way to get around that and leave you both satisfied. i guess i'm lucky to have a guy that understands that and lets me have my me time. it's his joke that the world would be a happier place if only everyone masturbated a little more, except me. good luck on your talk.
dayglowpink
Haven't been around since I made that last post. Thanks for the replies. GT- what you said at the end was really helpful. I tried really hard recently to listen to him and not get upset and sensitive about it, because that's what has always happened in the past, and it just cuts the conversation short and does nothing to solve the problem. We've talked about it more since then, and I feel more optimistic about things. He's willing to work on it, so that's good.
konphusion26
Here lately I've been having a problem with getting my needs met through intercourse. It takes me so long to get aroused and ready, by then he's almost done. I'm so frustrated sitting here typing this. We actually had some pretty decent spontaneous sex tonight. It was nice, very intimate, lots of kissing, etc. But, after he finished, I was still wanting more. I went to take a shower, came back and cuddled a bit. 15-20 min later, I was ready to go again. He was apparently more interested in Pirates of the Carribean and checking myspace on his phone. I kept trying to get his attention, touching him in certain places... he pretty much was unresponsive to my advances. He fell asleep with his arm around me, and I got up to post on bust. BLAH... I guess i'll have to pull out the wand tomorrow. I don't feel like dealing with that noise right now.

Funny thing is, the last time we made love, I came 2 times. That in itself is rare. I rarely orgasm with sex or manual stimulation anymore. He just doesn't put in the time. He tries sometimes. I guess thats why i'm so angry at 4am. i"m still awake, while he's satisfied and sleeping like a baby. I've also talked to him about this before. I don't know what else to do. Masturbating is not really working for me anymore, just leaves me hornier.

Any thoughts?? Anyone else experienced this with husbands?
LoveMyPugs
konphusion26 - With me either I'm really horny and he's all about it. We'll have really vigirous sex and I'll be satisified for days. There are other times where I'm horny and he's not but we'll do it anyway and like you, 20 minutes later I'm ready for round two and he's passed out. also, there are times where i'm really horny and there just isn't a good time for us to come together because of work, family, friends or what not. usually, this is when i have a self session with the wand. i don't think mr. pug really cares either way. i mean he always gets his when he wants it and i usually get something when i need it. i find that if i'm horny and i don't get anything i'll get very aggitated with everything especially him. also, the longer i don't get it the less i want it. for example, if i try to initiate over and over and i keep getting shot down or something keep getting in the way I'll just give up. i know this probably doesn't help but when i have self sessions with the hitachi i totally wipe myself out with it. i'll come over and over again sometimes more then a dozen times until i'm really satisfied. it's funny because when i'm really horny and practically humping mr. pug's leg, he'll mess with me about it, teasing me and what not. eventually, if he teases for too long i get really pissed then i'll be like, "Forget it then." then i'm angry, not mentally in the mood, but still physically horny. these times suck. what's really hard is that we just went on the fabulous vacation and had sex practically every day. we were all over each other all week. now, we are back home and back to the grind and things will slow down again. i'm already depressed about it. mr. pug and i have never been on the same page when it comes to our sex drives. it's frustrating. all i can tell you is that maybe you need to have a down right blunt conversation with him about how you are not getting your needs fullfilled. maybe you need to try something different? did any of this help? probably not...i'm a confusing advice giver. dry.gif
vegdumpling
konphusion26- OMG yes! it's so incredibly frustrating when the timing works out so that just as i'm about to come he does and i don't get to. for like the first year we were together he was taking anti-depressants and i know that people say it's a negative most of the time but it's like he had to work for it and i was a multiple orgasm girl because i had enough time. okay, horrible run-on but i'm not in the mood to fix it. after he got off the meds, he recognised that i needed more time than he did and we always had extended foreplay to make up for it. but now? 5 years in and it's like sometimes he forgets...

and i get pissed off too. i've had talks with him but it doesn't seem to sink in permanently i need to keep going back and reminding him. talking does help but in my case it's a talk we have over and over which is frustrating in and of itself. so i don't have much advice and perhaps talking will help you more consistently than it helps me.
vegdumpling
pugs- what it is about vacation?! whenever we go away we have fabulous sex several times a day and then we come home and once a day is too much.

oh and the teasing, yeah my boy will tease me because he enjoys it but then not be in the mood for sex at all. he knows i'll take care of my own needs but still, why make a girl hope you are in a sexy mood when you aren't?
shinyx3
pugs, let me just say, i sooooo need a vacation with the hubby right now. you are totally right about great sex and lots of it on vacations. i think it is because you put yourself in a different mind set about life. like now it is ok to relax and have fun because you are 'on vacation'.

i also get really agitated if i really need sex and i think it is more than having an orgasm that i need because masturbation will not help this. (just makes me more moody). hubby is pretty good about recognizing this and taking me to bed.
LoveMyPugs
for me it's about time put into the act. if it's a quick session i just don't get a lot out of it. even if i come it's just not satisifying. when i say quick i mean like kiss, lube, sex. when i say long session i mean, kiss, oral, maybe some rough stuff, sex, change position, sex, anal, me orgasming over and over. it just seems like when there is more involved i'm exhausted and i hit the bed worn out. then i'm satisfied.

the other day (while on vacation) Mr. Pug and I were in the pool, both drunk. We got back to the house. Our friend Chris was sitting on the couch and we went upstairs to "change". On our way up the stairs Chris actually said, "Have fun you two." We were up there for a while and it was so great. I think that was Friday and I'm still very satisfied even now on Monday. Also, it was an intense session and I'm a little bit sore so that is another reason we are on break from sex.

you do put yourself in a different mind set during vacation. there is no worries. the first day we got the shore our friend JR said, "So what's on the agenda for you two tomorrow."

I looked at Mr. Pug and he said, "We don't really have an agenda while on vacation." I sighed with relief because I wanted to spend time together and didn't want to be pressured into running here and there. I wanted to sleep in, lounge around, stay up late, drink, eat and be merry oh and also FUCK LIKE RABBITS. You can't do that when you both work and have a house, pets and/or kids. There is just no time. Sad really sad.gif
crinoline
QUOTE(konphusion26 @ Jul 7 2008, 03:25 AM) *
Here lately I've been having a problem with getting my needs met through intercourse. It takes me so long to get aroused and ready, by then he's almost done.

-been there.
It seems to take me a long time both to get aroused and to orgasm. The boy is always so impatient, he tries to rush through foreplay to "get to the good part". And then once we get there, he has to put a real effort into lasting long enough for it to start feeling good for me (I often have pain at the beginning). It sometimes gets so bad that he skips kissing altogether and just tries to pinch my nipples or rub my crotch, which I'm just not up for at the very beginning. Sometimes it's hot to rush, but I'd really like to know how it feels to take things slowly.
I've totally called him on this, and he'll agree to try and put more time in, but then when we start again it's just another race to the finish. I know he tries, and I love that he gets so eager for me, I just don't know what to do. I've actually faked a few orgasms when I'm not even close because I knew he couldn't last and I don't want him to feel bad.

I sometimes get really self conscious that it takes me so long, I can always sense his impatience. The thing is that it doesn't take me all that long by myself (maybe because I start out slow?), and I'm much more turned on when I'm with him... I don't know what's wrong with me.

(on the plus side, we just had a great weekend, so I'll head over to portions...)
dayglowpink
Yes, yes, yes. I take a long time to get to orgasm as well, and it's only when I'm with someone else. I mean, occasionally when I'm masturbating I can't seem to get there, but usually it's pretty quick. I get impatient, too, though, and just want to rush to my orgasm. When I'm with my guy, sometimes I just won't be able to orgasm at all, and that's frustrating, too. For a long time I could never come with someone else, though, so at least it's improving. Right now I'm not able to come during intercourse at all, even if I use my hand on my clit. That sux at times, too, because I get more horny as we're doing it, and after he comes, I just want to come, but he's all worn out and sleepy. A lot of times I just end up masturbating while he passes out. I love the psychological aspect of quickies, him just grabbing me and throwing me onto the bed or whatever, but I can't say that's super physically satisfying for me either.
thirtiesgirl
QUOTE(dayglowpink @ Jun 29 2008, 07:02 PM) *
Another issue that came up that's pretty serious to me but that I don't really know how to handle or even think about- he's been going down on me less and less, and it really bums me out. I finally brought this up to him. He's told me before that it's one of his favorite things to do in bed, so I knew it wasn't some issue of his. But apparently he feels like we are just not compatible in this area I guess because of the positioning that I like being physically uncomfortable for him. I have a hard time orgasming, and I like to lay flat on my back with my legs straight out in order to come, and somehow that causes him a lot of frustration and discomfort. Or something. I don't know if that's the whole thing; I didn't really get him to elaborate, because it really hurts my feelings, and it's hard for me to even have a conversation about it without getting upset. So my head's kind of spinning on that one, because he feels like it may be something that can't be resolved. And I find myself in the situation of asking myself whether that's a deal breaker for me. I have never been in that position before. Everyone I've ever had sex with has been super into it, and it's never been an issue. It's weird.

I think just the fact that you and your partner are talking about it is a good thing. That's the first step in discovering whether the issue can be resolved between you or not. I know it sounds weird, but just the simple but powerful act of putting your feelings into words, getting them out of your head & heart and into your mouth so you can communicate them with your partner, is a type of 'block removal' about this issue with your partner. The more you keep the lines of communication open, ask for his feelings and share yours in return, the more blocks will be removed, you'll have more wiggle room in your head, and perhaps a solution will begin to present itself. Hopefully, you guys can practice some oral sex techniques while you're at it and not just psychologically work on the issues, but physically, too. Solutions can present themselves in many different ways.
Moonpieluv
it will be two weeks tomorrow since we have been intimate sexually. Before that it was somewhere between 3 or 4 days intervals that consisted of quickies, if you will, with no round 2. I have tried to playfully initiate even a french kiss and got rejected. I attempted to confront the issue, which was more a tearful "what's wrong" approach... bad move, I know.. .but I was just so frustrated, confused, rejected, emotional. His response was abrasive and dismissive. A "is this about the sex thing again?". We haven't had a skiff about anything lately... he hasn't been acting depressed or withdrawn or even particularly stressed out... He is relatively jolly and hugs and kisses me a lot...

As I said, He has been affectionate and mildly cuddly during the day, but then nada when we hit the bedroom. no sexual responsiveness at all, even with lingerie... flirtatious comments...

Situational irony, catch 22... I'm trying the non-chalant route, like it doesn't bother me... not expecting anything route cause I just don't know how to approach this. But, i'm afraid that it's just abetting this non-communicative and non-sexual behavior. Meanwhile, I'm feeling rejected, unattractive, and lonely. I know within myself that I'm worthy of love and affection, and am attractive. It's not that sex comprises all to a relationship, but it is a sure-fire bet that someone is attracted to you, and aids in experiencing and sustaining a loving relationship.

I haven't tried, nor mentioned anything since last thurs. Mainly because I am at a loss as to how to approach it seeing as last time I was met with aggression. I have never had such a problem, nor felt pinned from communication. We have not been dating, nor living, with each other very long. I'm seriously thinking I made a boo-boo.

blargh...



tesao
moonpie - first off, let me say that i feel you. this is a tricky situation, and it *can* be made worse by "taking the bull by the horns", so to speak. you can bet that he has noticed the situation, and that it does NOT make him feel good about himself.

that said, although you have told us some specifics, there are a lot of other variables that can affect sexual desire. you say you've been together since February - but (and you may have already said this, i'm coming to the conversation late) - what is your living situation? do you live together or separately? what else is going on in his life? do you know? you said that he isn't stressed -- but do you actually know what is happening with him in work, school, family, whatever? sometimes guys who have trouble communicating in the sexual arena also have trouble communicating in general.

six months (less, actually) isn't that long. if you have told him more than once (and his comment about "this isn't about the sexual thing again, is it?" leads me to believe that you have, he could very well be suffering from performance anxiety. trust me, this is a TOTAL turn off for a guy. and the problem there is that it is just one of those vicious cycles.

some general advice (which you may very well have done already):

don't ever talk about touchy sex issues while actually IN the bedroom (or wherever). what i mean by this is not to talk about sex issues anywhere just before, just after or especially DURING sex. we are all much more vulnerable at that time, and inclined to take even the smallest issue and blow it up totally out of proportion.

does he do this with other issues that you two have had? how do the two of you communicate best about other issues?

i would suggest approaching it several different ways.

first, do something for yourself, and ONLY for yourself, that make YOU feel sexy. get a pedicure. get a massage. buy yourself something extravagant. hell, go out to a club and flirt and see what kind of feedback you get. the important part is that it doesn't sound like you are feeling good about yourself as a sexual being, and that shows. you need to get your mojo back.

sex games are good. there are board games that are made for this, but you can make them up. you each right down things that you like sexually. put them all in a bowl. next time you are anywhere near being in the mood, choose one. if it is one of his, do exactly what he wants, concentrate only on that. don't put your own desires into it. when it is one of yours, you will get that back, concentration only on you. set up ground rules that state this in advance.
the sex acts don't need to lead to orgasm. say, for instance, that i ADORE having my neck nuzzled, licked, bitten. i would write that down - and state, for five minutes. he picks that, and has to do that, and only that, for 5 minutes.

you need to set aside time for this. and a good amount of time. ensure that there won't be any other distractions (no kids. no cell phones ringing. no other commitments)

my experience is that the more you try to talk about this issue, the worse it gets - it is too much pressure, and that is a buzz - and a hard on - killer.

i have other ideas, but i'd like to get some more feedback from you about your living situation and what else is going on in both of your lives, as well as how you two generally adress other problems.

we've got your back, grrlfriend!
Moonpieluv
Tes---
We have been living with each other since May and dating since Feb. We reconnected after 10 years and were doing ldr until I decided to take the risk and move in with him in May, feeling so sure that he was/is "the one", if you will. I knew that it was a risky move, but since we were living ldr... I figured why not? I had nothing holdin me down in the previous city. I also realize that the first few months or even years of living with someone can be touch and go, even when you have been dating previously for a number of months or years. Our relationship spawned and was taken to the next level very very quickly. But, as I said, we felt like this was some cosmic union. hokey, yes... but I honestly felt that way.
Stress? Well, I would say three main things:
1. Having to adjust to living single for soooo long, and then suddenly having that not so .
2. His shifting to a more responsible role with his job. He works for his father's business and will ultimately be handed that position when his father retires. If he doesn't perform well or give it his all, there could be a possiblity of him being bought out. Not sure if he realizes that yet, but as his mother said... He better get his priorities straight. He's had it relatively easy up until this transitioning.
3. Having to adjust to the fact that relationships take compromise, communication... work. Having been single and living single for so long has enabled him to grow stubbornly accustomed to doing things HIS way when HE wants to do them. Staying up til the wee hours playing puter games with an old crochety bachelor, playing puter games while on FAMILY vacation, setting his own hours, etc. aka I've been told by his family that "he needs to grow up". Never mind the fact that he explicitly told me that he would forego gaming to do an activity with me any time... that is he told me that BEFORE I moved in with him.

How do we communicate? Two main issues--his incessant puter gaming/surfing solo and with said trolly bachelor and sex (libido, fourplay, give/receive, general emotional tenderness)
Well, I would say that when we do finally start talking, it goes relatively well some of the time, but I still believe that he takes a very one-sided logic. I think he has an elementary ability to be empathic. Mostly what I get from our talks is that his way is the highway, that if I have a concern with something then there's something WRONG with me, and by cod, this is how he is and he ain't changin for nobody.

Thanks for all your tips, suggestions.... I have made some of those mistakes... and I do wonder if it's performance anxiety... but then I find that even if I do wait a week or two to attempt a sexual move... I'm rejected. with the statement "you always want sex" like there is something inherently wrong with me for wanting to have sex with him or sex in general. Of course, he would take an offered blowjob with no intention of reciprocating. I am fully aware that I am a sexually attractive woman. I do not think that I would have a problem acquiring that affirmation. I want to be with HIM.

If I can't talk about it with him, then where does that leave me? I'm on the fence as to whether it's perform. anxiety or straight up narcissicism.
stargazer
QUOTE(Moonpieluv @ Jul 27 2008, 12:11 PM) *
Mostly what I get from our talks is that his way is the highway, that if I have a concern with something then there's something WRONG with me, and by cod, this is how he is and he ain't changin for nobody.

Thanks for all your tips, suggestions.... I have made some of those mistakes... and I do wonder if it's performance anxiety... but then I find that even if I do wait a week or two to attempt a sexual move... I'm rejected. with the statement "you always want sex" like there is something inherently wrong with me for wanting to have sex with him or sex in general. Of course, he would take an offered blowjob with no intention of reciprocating. I am fully aware that I am a sexually attractive woman. I do not think that I would have a problem acquiring that affirmation. I want to be with HIM.

If I can't talk about it with him, then where does that leave me? I'm on the fence as to whether it's perform. anxiety or straight up narcissicism.



based on what you have shared moonpieluv, it sounds like the latter than the former. meaning it sounds like some selfishness on his part. that is just the feeling i get from your post. and if he has acted this way with his own family, then it is not surprising that he is this way with you. at least he is consistently self-occupied. i'm sure this info is not making you feel better. it just disheartens me to hear your unhappiness. you sound like you feel very alone in this relationship. that's not good. it also sounds like you are doing alot of the work.

(((moon)))
Moonpieluv
Thanks for the reply Stargazer....

No, I don't feel better for it.. but that's not your fault. It's just the reality of the situation.
I'm on the verge of heartbreak, I think.
And I really want... I truly want to believe that somehow some great change or fog will lift and sun will start shining on this relationship, as I've invested SOOO much. I've risked SOOO much.
I don't want to throw in the towel because of that.

A big...like BIG-O-SAURUS talk is impending.
sybarite
(((Moonpieluv))) I have to agree w/ tes: this is one situation where talking doesn't necessarily help. I went through a similar sexual disconnect with my current mister years ago and it really upset and confused (and frustrated) me. In our case it was symptomatic of a larger mismatch between us at that time, and things eventually got better, but for us it was an eventual, organic process. We talked about our relationship's problems as a whole, and as it got better so did the sex.

But every situation is different. My feeling is that it's a bit soon for such a sexual disconnect, but that it's one of several things going on with you two. To be honest, it sounds like your guy is having problems with both the idea and the reality of compromise. I understand this, because both my mister and I are hellbent on getting our own way, something exacerbated by both of us living as single people for years before we got together.

I think you'll have to talk to him. It may be that he simply hasn't taken on board what living together actually entails on a daily basis and is hoarding his puter time as a reaction. He may also feel you and his family are ganging up on him--none of these responses of his are necessarily fair or reasonable, they may just explain why he seems to be closing himself off. I think you need answers about why he's acting like he's acting, across the board.

(((MPL))) Good luck...
Moonpieluv
((Sybarite))

"I think you need answers about why he's acting like he's acting, across the board."


I want to start by saying that your posts are truly thoughtful and well written. I have noticed this for some time. Not to say that I have not gathered the same from others, but I want to say thank you for your insight.
(((Sybarite love)))

In response, I truly believe that the only way I can approach any of this is by going across the board, as opposed to pinpointing sex necessarily. That is merely a "symptom", if you will, of a deeper story between us. I am not dismissing my insecurities, nor his. I just want to get to the root of this issue to truly know whether we can work through this with love and respect. Sex within itself is not what I'm looking for, nor worried about absolutely. It's our communication. It's the compromise you mentioned. The "As a Whole" concept, IMO, is the best way to potentially open up lines of intimacy.

In accordance with this thread, the sex that isn't happening as frequently as I would like...I don't want it merely for sexual pleasure essentially. It's sharing. and it's affirmation... yes. I do take your words from the committed thread about being hyper-sensitive in the beginning...I want that to be a potential reality for me...for that may bring me peace and an ability to see this thing through.

I am astonished that it's happening so soon. the disconnect. It went from him being either more aggressive or more compliant with my advances.... to I have to wait, hope... wait "is this a sexual advance?" to "oh, no...silly... it's not. just go to sleep"....to after two or so weeks.... "oh okay...it's finally finally going to happen?! wait....is this going to happen? can I touch him close to his undies? wait.. don't do it... okay, maybe he wants me too... Okay, he does...I'll just go for it... when is it okay for me to crawl on top of him" as that's the staple position with us. I don't know if you can decipher or understand all that, but I think what I'm trying to get at... is that I've never had such an issue communicating sexually with anyone in my life. nor have I felt so rejected or confused. I have gotten scolded on more than one occasion for making sexual advances on a normal evening enough to make me gunshy.

Speaking on being accustomed to getting your way, I will say that I am a strong-willed woman. I've been told that since kindergarten. There has been a two men that have almost broke my spirit... and a great fear of mine and my father is that I will have to settle for someone that doesn't respect that spirit nor encourage it. This man told me that he understood that good and well. My parents won't come visit us until we as a couple are leveled out. What I'm finding is that a good great talk is in order, because I would rather be a single mother of artificial sperm than this.

Now.. if I just knew the right time? Well, not tomorrow.... tuesday?

((stargazer)) ((tes))) ((sybarite)) hearts to you... wub.gif
thirtiesgirl
Moonpie, it sounds to me like you've got your priorities straight and you're right to be worried about the disconnect. The kind of behavior you write that he's exhibiting would worry me, too. My suggestion might be to let him know that you'd like to have an important discussion with him and ask him when a good time for him might be. If he's obstinate about picking a time, let him know that you're open to discussing some time frame options because you don't want to just load him down with your feelings without giving him a chance to express his own and have the discussion be exactly that - a discussion, as opposed to just a one-sided conversation. Maybe give him some options - "Tuesday evening is a good time for me, or Friday afternoon..." Whatever works for you. If he's unwilling to pick a time, let him know that you'll give him a day to think about it and come up with a time. If he doesn't get back to you within a day, then let him know that you're going to have the discussion on Tuesday, Friday or whenever, and do it. That way, you've given him the option to be part of picking a time, but you're not discounting your own needs either. What's going on in your relationship is a big concern to you, and your feelings about it should not go unexpressed.
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