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chimera00
unlike many of the women who have posted here, my "problem" is that he doesn't want to have sex. at all. well, maybe he does. but he needs to feel completely comfortable. if i smile, he tenses up. if we have a hard time intially getting things to "fit", he gets all sensitive.

see we started off as roommates. the relationship was not extremely sexual. it was more "comfortable". i had just had a terrible experience with being assaulted (a year ago), and he was exactly what i needed. but now, i've healed a lot, and he doesn't seem to be moving forward with me.

we've talked a few times about why he doesn't intiate sex, and of course he gets reallly defensive. i didn't know if he just wasn't attracted to me. it made me really insecure for a bit. but then i realized the "problem" was not me. it was something he was dealing with. he said that he had never had sex when he was sober (he quit drinking when he started seeing me). so this is the first time he had to deal with his feelings/insecurities regarding the issue.

after talking a few more times, he opened up to me about his childhood. he was sexually abused at different points in his life. he never really dealt with it. he would just drink and forget about it.
he told me the other night that sometimes, being touched makes him feel terrible, like he wants to die. (he is not usually dramatic with words, so i took this seriously).

this obviously has had an effect on my expression of affection towards him. i'm afraid to touch him too much, because i fear that i'm making him uncomfortable. i'm afraid to initiate sex because i don't want him to feel pressured.
i'm in a bit of a fix. and sometimes i just want to scream "TOUCH ME, IT'S OK!"
but i know that when i went through Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after being raped over a year ago, that all i needed was someone who understood and was patient.

sorry, ladies to vent.

but i'm completely frustrated, yet i care about this person deeply and i want to be there for him & with him.
modegirl
Funny, i'm the odd one out! i'm the morning sex one, and my husband's the nighttime - anything past 9pm and i'm too tired, but i usually let him get his way if he works at it. i think we both agree that afternoons are the best, and try to do that as often as we can in addition to the evening sex. there are certainly a syncing thing that every couple has to work out. i find that talking about sex consistently keeps it on our minds and hot; when we don't talk about it, i find it kind of drops off my radar!

hugs to you chimera- there's alot to work out there btwn you and your guy. it's definitely not about the sex; the sex is somehing that is part of your emotional relationsip...don't think of it as something you have to do alone; the issues that your guy is having is beyond the scope of what the average couple can probably handle easily. have either of you considered couples therapy? what he is going through is going to take alot of help; complex issues of abuse as well as intertwined substance use and also what it takes to go forward, i.e. does he want a sexual relationship, and is he willing to do some emotional work? all these are things to work on for himself and have a context in your relationship. ie are you willing to support him through this, even if it means you may hear some things that are upsetting or difficult including, no, he doesn't want a sexual relationship, etc.
ms.gb
chimera--kudos to you for trying to work this out between you and the boy...has he thought about counseling of sorts?

as for the morning or night.....depends on my energy...i love to sleep in...but if he wakes me up right, it could be a good morning...same at night...he needs to put out the energy tooo...this ain't a one woman show.

So i tried something different the other night....and i call it 'billy madison sex'.

here's how it goes.....

remember in the movie, how the 'teacher' would help him memorize stuff by stripping?
same concept but with a twist.

as i removed articles of clothing, mr.gb had to say stuff that he appreciated about me, what i do or have done, etc. which i think helps since he has a hard time verbalizing complements in general.

Talk about motivation....lol. biggrin.gif
dicharry
1st post in this thread ---
hey chimera -
i've sort of gone through the same thing, i sobered up a few years ago, and i've found it really difficult to have sexual relationships the same way I used to. It used to just be something I would do because I was expected to do it, and I was drunk anyway, and maybe it would make them like me blah blah blah. Now I have all these expectations of myself in my head, and it can be really hard to take the pressure off. Luckily, I don't have a history of sexual abuse or rape, but I'm assuming that can make everything three milllion times harder. Went I went to my therapist to talk about this, he says that the thing about it is that it takes years to move on past things like that, and that sometimes it feels like we're making progress and sometimes it doesn't. I don't think all the weird messages I get from the media about women always being ready to go are helping me any, either.
Luckily, my husband is pretty normal in tons of respects and extremely sensitive to me, but sometimes I really do wish I was that woman who just couldn't get enough of it.
chimera00
thanks ladies. mode & ms. gb: he has just started seeing a therapist.
in the meantime, i find myself completely fantasizing about some other guy. it's terrible; and i happened to see him out one night, and i couldn't help but approach him. i guess i needed some sort of attention...
thanks for the insight about not having to do this alone, modegirl. it made me feel better about things.

dicharry: i'm glad things are getting better with you & you have a supportive partner who isn't pressuring you.

xx
ms.gb
anyone else in a sex rut? like feeling un-sexy or just plain out of it? i try to 'jumpstart' it but its very short lived.
katiebelle2882
i have a question for everyone kind of along the same lines as ms GB. i broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years about a year ago bc it seemed like a never ending sex rut. i was into other guys, and it just didnt seem right even though he is the kind of guy most women would do anything for. he was perfect in every single way. sweet, sensitive, very good-looking, attentive, loved the shit out of me and yet i was bored out of my freaking mind sex-wise. since i love sex and its very very important to me, this was enough to break the bank. most people think i am insane, and i want to know am i?

as in, if you are in a sex rut that never seems to end, is companionship worth it even thouh the sex is medicocre? part of me feels like that i will always get bored with a guy sexually, or eventually i should say. part of me feels like its impossible to truly be attracted to your SO aftera certain period of time and those that say they are are fooling themselves. maybe i think that cause i cant picture ever having that burning lust for someone after a certain period of time.

is feeling like this unavoidable? people say you need to try new things with your partner but for me its like, no matter how much i love them, i dont want to try new things i want to try a whole new freaking person!!
karianne
I am in a serious sex rut! My sex drive is just low low low right now. I think it's due to stress, mostly. I just feel bad b/c I know Mr K wants to do it more, but sometimes I just don't want to. Hoping it improves soon.
ginger_kitty
Yeah, the Mr. and I have been in a bit of a rut lately, too. I am thinking my birth control has taken a serious toll on my sex drive. My annual is next week so I am going to discuss it w/ my doc. If things do get reved up they seem to fizzle a bit. We will have sex twice a day, then next thing you know, maybe once a week if we are lucky. But I think stress is a big part of it also. All I know is I am definately ready to charge things back up.

p.s. katiebelle don't worry you are not insane. I think what you are talking about is completely natural. I love my hubby madly and still lust after him but everybody is different. Frankly, the thought of being w/ any man other than my husband scares the shit out of me! Settling with one person might not be for you, though.
venetia
Katiebelle you are right to do what's right for YOU. Everyone is different.

After 6 years my SO and I still want to have sex every single day (if we're just "fooling ourselves" then it's working pretty well!). We have our ups and downs due to tiredness but we still basically want each other a lot. And quite frankly I wouldn't settle for less in a relationship, long term, as sex is really important to me as well. So I can completely understand why you would want to break it off.
gypsyraven
We were given the suggestion to help us out of our rut. My husband has to try anything new that I want for the next 30 days. Then I will have to do what he wants. He is learning that he likes some things that he never thought he would. It is all within reason, and safe. And nothing to jeopardize who we are individually. I do think stress, kids, work, and all that other crap can hamper your sex drive though. You just have to make time for each other. Easier said than done I know.
lawyergirl
QUOTE(venetia @ Aug 5 2006, 08:13 AM) *

Katiebelle you are right to do what's right for YOU. Everyone is different.

After 6 years my SO and I still want to have sex every single day (if we're just "fooling ourselves" then it's working pretty well!). We have our ups and downs due to tiredness but we still basically want each other a lot. And quite frankly I wouldn't settle for less in a relationship, long term, as sex is really important to me as well. So I can completely understand why you would want to break it off.


Hi V, and all my other Busties,

Boy, I wish my life and concerns were as uncomplicated as yours. Don't get me wrong. We are all going through our own private hell....I just am at my wits' end here.

I love my husband, and he absolutely loves me too. My problem is guilt, I guess. We have been together for almost 9 years. During our 2nd year together, his back went south on him, from an old high school football injury. He was bedridden for 6 months b4 he went back 2 work. No biggie. Except, b4 his re-injury, he was all over me, all the time. After he re-injured his back, I was the only one to instigate our sex life, and was turned down 89% of the time. I can understand that, when his back was hurting. It still hurt my ego, though, honestly.

Now that I have been turned down so many times, it has become a habit for me, that he doesn't even see. My heart is totally hardened & I expect him 2 reject me, so I don't even try to be intimate anymore. Even worse, nowdays, when he does want to be sexual, I cannot get my head around it, and even though I enjoy our trysts, I can never come. I don't think I ever can again with him, because it is so screwed up, and I feel as if strings are attached. (if i am alone, i can come in 60 seconds, flat) I hate feeling this way. I feel like I am pressured to react a certain way, and I simply cannot.

I am so damned tired of being lonely, I don't know what 2 do. I am not afraid of being ALONE, I just cannot handle feeling lonely anymore, while being married. how fucked up is that?

Help?

Love you my girlies,

xo


chimera00
QUOTE(lawyergirl @ Aug 10 2006, 02:00 AM) *

Hi V, and all my other Busties,

Boy, I wish my life and concerns were as uncomplicated as yours. Don't get me wrong. We are all going through our own private hell....I just am at my wits' end here.

I love my husband, and he absolutely loves me too. My problem is guilt, I guess. We have been together for almost 9 years. During our 2nd year together, his back went south on him, from an old high school football injury. He was bedridden for 6 months b4 he went back 2 work. No biggie. Except, b4 his re-injury, he was all over me, all the time. After he re-injured his back, I was the only one to instigate our sex life, and was turned down 89% of the time. I can understand that, when his back was hurting. It still hurt my ego, though, honestly.

Now that I have been turned down so many times, it has become a habit for me, that he doesn't even see. My heart is totally hardened & I expect him 2 reject me, so I don't even try to be intimate anymore. Even worse, nowdays, when he does want to be sexual, I cannot get my head around it, and even though I enjoy our trysts, I can never come. I don't think I ever can again with him, because it is so screwed up, and I feel as if strings are attached. (if i am alone, i can come in 60 seconds, flat) I hate feeling this way. I feel like I am pressured to react a certain way, and I simply cannot.

I am so damned tired of being lonely, I don't know what 2 do. I am not afraid of being ALONE, I just cannot handle feeling lonely anymore, while being married. how fucked up is that?

Help?

Love you my girlies,

xo


hey lawyer girl. i feel your pain. if you scroll down, i wrote something in the thread earlier about it. now i don't even try to initiate anything physical, because i know i will get turned down, or he'll feel he has to go along with it. i feel unattractive sometiimes, and that i NEED some form of attention ( i even have to ask hiim to cuddle with me). i want someone to say "I WANT YOU" or "YOU ARE F'IN BEAUTIFUL AND I WANT YOU". i rarely need sexual recognition, but it's been many months without it. we're just two droids sharing a house together.

on the upside, he is getting therapy. his problems kind of need them. but i am also thinking about going with him.

but i do know the feeling- to be turned down so many times (for one reason or another) that you don't even want to initiate it anymore. it's rattling. but communication does aide the situation.
hopey
QUOTE(ms.gb @ Jul 31 2006, 11:01 AM) *

anyone else in a sex rut? like feeling un-sexy or just plain out of it? i try to 'jumpstart' it but its very short lived.


I've been a rut like a lot of you have mentioned here, except it's only with my (live-in) boyfriend. We've had our ups & downs (more downs than ups recently) and for a while I thought it was just that I had risidual anger I couldn't turn off. But lately things have been really good, I'm just dead in the nether-regions.

Weird thing is I have been crazy hot for anything and everything else. Fantasizing, burning through my Suicide Girls account, catching myself thinking about strangers I pass on the street... it's bad.

Any advice?
ginger_kitty
Okay, I am breaking the rut!!!!

My hubby woke me w/ breakfast in bed, so I thanked him w/ really HOT morning sex!!


(((Hopey))) I don't know what to tell you....things will either work out or they won't. But what is gut telling you? Is it time to move on or do you want to make things work w/this guy? Don't feel bad either way, not all relationships were meant to last forever.
sybarite
Lawyergirl, I agree with chimera that communication is key, although I also see how this gets harder and unspoken tensions/concerns can build up. You may also want to check out the relationship thread.

Hopey, I felt much the same last winter. I do still think my mister is attractive, but I feel our styles are out of sync as well as timing... when he's feeling it, I don't and vice versa. When I was single, I used to find one-off experiences easy and fun, for the most part, and I think I miss that aspect of things the most. I feel sad that sometimes it's something we have to 'work' at; that seems wrong to me somehow. I am probably just lazy and used to things sexual coming (hee) easy to me. I should probably make more of an effort myself.

Saying that, we were away recently and one night he really surprised me smile.gif ... so my faith is renewed just now.
hopey
QUOTE(ginger_kitty @ Aug 12 2006, 08:08 AM) *

Okay, I am breaking the rut!!!! My hubby woke me w/ breakfast in bed, so I thanked him w/ really HOT morning sex!!


yay for morning portions!

venetia
Aww Lawyergirl, I'm pretty sure part of it is to do with feeling like it's all on his terms now (are you secretly a bit hurt and angry/sad? but you don't like to think about it so you feel numb?). I think... you need to regain a sense of yourself as a sexual person, and not in a lonely way. I don't mean, go out and have sex with people, I just mean if you get back in touch with who you are, in terms of your senses, you can have a basis for evaluating things. (I don't really know what it would even mean for you. For me it would be like, stand under the rain at midnight without a bra on and feel your nipples stick to your shirt. Look into people's eyes to see how you feel about them. Go drink coffee alone where you can watch men swimming.)

It sounds to me like at the moment you're not really in touch with whether you even desire this person you live with, because you were scared off?

mermaidgirl13
Hopey, I feel the same way - not that interested in my live-in, long-term boyfriend but the rest of my sex life (dreams, fantasizing about people I pass on the street, etc) is still totally alive. That makes me think that we need to do something to get interested in each other again because my sex drive is there, just not necessarily for him. Does that make sense? Is that how you're feeling?
little_idiot
So like a lot of you ladies, my sex drive has seriously diminished the longer I'm with my current guy. At first I wanted him like crazy, all the time, two or three times a day. It's been a year and eight months now, and while we still have sex pretty regularly (3 times a week on average) it's almost never because I feel really turned on and have to have him--it's more like, it's something I know we have to do, and I always thoroughly enjoy it (he always makes sure I come first, he's very very generous in bed), but getting me "warmed up" takes a while. I feel bad because he's totally in his prime, wanting it like 5 times a day still, and I'm like, eh...
I know my BC pills contribute somewhat... but I can't blame them completely because I was on the Pill when we first met and my desire was really high then. It's not that I'm not attracted to him, either... I love him immensely and couldn't ask for anyone better, but I just feel no desire for sex anymore. It sucks.
So, anyone have any creative ideas to help get my libido up and running again? Any herbs or pills or anything I can take? I really miss the days when we'd be sitting on the couch watching television and I'd suddenly just HAVE to pin him and tear his clothes off....
GiGi21
Aw girls, I'm so glad I found you! I have been with Mr GIGI for over 3 years and things are fabulous. In the last month we have gotten engaged, moved into an awesome loft, I've been promoted and he's gotten better hours at work. Suddenly poof! I don't want to have sex with him anymore. I'm actually cringing at the thought of it. We had great sex like 2 weeks ago, then I got my period and he was all horny- and I said you just wait till my periods over. Well he's been trying the last couple of nights and I'm just not interested.

So last night I took a hot bath and drank some wine- thinking I would relax and get in the mood. He came in and started rubbing my shoulders and talking all sweet- then when it came to actaully having sex I just found it annoying! I didn't want him to touch me and I didn't want to get near him! AH! please help- did we leave our fab sex life back at our old house??
i_am_jan
I miss the times when I couldn't get enough of my partner of 10+ years as well. I'm feeling all the ladies who are having probs getting psyched up about the long-term lovin.

At least we know it's a 'normal' issue that does happen from time to time in a long-term relationship? I guess that makes it a LITTLE better.

That, and being able to talk about it here.

The only thing that really works for me is erotica/porn to get me back in the mood. And then trying (hard sometimes) to get my partner involved in my head in whatever fantasy I'm having from the erotica. And then I'll get more into our sex.

The other thing I do from time to time is go into my local adult store and pick up fancy stuff to wear or erotic candles, lotions, stuff like that that just gets my mind moving in that direction.

Oh, and I also pick up all those books from the library ("101 Ways to Please Your Lover", all those kinds of titles, anything by Tristan Taormino, that sort of thing). Again, it just puts sex on the brain.

Sometimes if you just put one STEP forward...then it sets off a domino effect and things just get rolling. For instance, if I'm going through a time where I'm JUST not into it, I'll just do one little thing...like flash my sexy bod in the morning to him as I'm getting ready to go to work and he's still in bed (even though I'm not really into it)...and then later, he'll say something about that turning him on, and then I'LL get aroused knowing that I turned HIM on, and then it just starts snowballing. You know, just do SOMETHING even if you don't feel like it - and that may be just the thing that will end up getting you into it. Maybe? Sometimes!

That's all I can really offer, girls. But I'll be here to listen!
katiebelle2882
ugh girls i hear what you are saying. i broke up with my ex of 4 years last year bc of this very problem. i am 24, i didnt want to spend the rest of my life not feeling it anymore. i suppose its something you have to get your head wrapped around if you are going to make a long term commitment ya know. and then, just deal with it. oy this is why i dont think humans aare meant to be monogamous.
auralpoison
This is from the VV:

http://www.villagevoice.com/people/0639,bussel,74537,24.html
LoveMyPugs
Ok, so I hope that everyone doesn't think I'm some kind of freak once I'm done with this post. What most attacted me in the beginning to my 10+ year man was how confident he was. He wanted me when he wanted me and that was it. Sure I wanted him too but the last few years I've not "wanted it" as much as he has. I've read books, watched videos, tried to self stimulate to get myself going for him. Nothing worked. He felt unattractive and I felt like all I meant to him was his next lay. We even went to therapy. Three weeks ago I told him that I just want him to take control sometimes. Be the man confident man he used to be. He said he didn't have a problem with that but didn't want me to flip if he got alittle "rough". I told him that I promissed I wouldn't. So.... One night we were kissing in the kitchen while we were cooking dinner together and he said "I want you so bad." I told him that I had a rough day at work and I wasn't in the mood. He said, "I don't care cause I want it tonight and that's it." I told him good luck cause it's not happening. Well....it happened. It was great. I was one of the best nights of sex we'd had in I can't remember. We did it twice more that week. (we were originally down to once or twice every two weeks) We have continued this way for the last three weeks and things are great. We are both less tense all together. He is more affectionate towards me, always wanting to cuddle at night while we watch TV. Now, he doesn't even have to get "rough" he just has this tone in his voice that makes me quiver. He is so attractive to me lately. So masculine. I love it. I don't know if this will help anyone but it helped me. One thing is to definately keeping talking about it. When you stop talking is when you've just given up and you can't give up. Not on what the two of you have together. Especially, if you have a lot of time invested in your relationship. I don't know if this is a long term solution to our problem but it's a fun temporary one. Good Luck!
katiebelle2882
why would anyone think you are a freak? i think its fucking amazing you found a way to get back into it even after 10 years. and i agree i would want the same thing from a guy. i think maybe you lost attraction to him bc after so long together, the man stops the chase and the woman stops really thinking of him as a "man" or as something she used to be wildly attracted to. when he has to take control like he used to again, i think it changes perspective and brings you back to those first few months.
LoveMyPugs
thank you katiebelle2882! that's very nice and open minded of you to say...
GiGi21
Katie and Pugs- you are both so right. Mr GiGi is in Chicago for the week-end so I went out with some guys from work last night and I'm getting ready straightening my hair, doing the smokey eye and wearing heels- and all of sudden I'm like- I suck I never do this for Mr GiGi anymore. We all just get so greakin lazy. But you Pugs turned that around and that's great! Maybe when I go to pick up Mr. GiGi I'll wear a pair of heels wink.gif
katiebelle2882
I have a sneaking suspicion that very often, women like us who are attracted to a man "taking control" in the bedroom, or who appreciate the "chase" sometimes feel guilty of being bad feminists, when i really dont think that is the case. just because we are feminists (and damn awesome ones at that) doesnt mean we need to change who we are attracted to and suddently like guys who are emo and sensitive. we still like manly men! as long as he treats you right, who cares!?

maybe this isnt true with you and i am completely off, but i kinda got that feeling Pugs when you said you didnt want anyone to think you are a freak. i think its so cool you managed to find a way to get that feeling back, bc i know how hard it was for a 4 year relationship, much less a 10 year one. i am inspired by women like you (pugs and gigi) to think that maybe, not all is lost when it comes to sex and long term relationships
ginger_kitty
I try really hard to make the effort to keep things alive and fresh. Lately I have been doing at least one special thing a week. Whether it be stopping by the sexshop to pick up a little surprise for my hubby or just catching him off guard.

I hear what you ladies are saying, I still get melty when my Mr. takes charge! I love it when he is sensitive to but there is something about when a guy is really confident and knows what he wants. It reminds me of how passionate we both were when we first met, and humped like bunnies all the time.
LoveMyPugs
katiebelle

“I have a sneaking suspicion that very often, women like us who are attracted to a man "taking control" in the bedroom, or who appreciate the "chase" sometimes feel guilty of being bad feminists, when I really don’t think that is the case.”

I couldn’t agree more. Which is where the “don’t think I’m a freak” comment came from. It’s very irritating to me that some of my friends (guys and girls) aren’t more open to talking about sex. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m just more sexually aware and comfortable talking about sex then most females that I know. But I just don’t understand it. My very sister, I know hasn’t ever experienced an orgasm but when I try to talk to her about it she just shies away. The scary thing is that she doesn’t seem to care. She doesn’t know what she’s missing out on. Her man doesn’t know what he’s missing out on. I guess cause I’ve been with my man the longest I’ve accepted that it’s not going to be steamy all the time and that we both have to work hard to keep the spark alive. Mr. Pugs and I have are always very open and blunt about what we want and like. Sometimes when I meet someone I think is more like me I just overwhelm them with conversation that they “think I’m a freak”. It’s very frustrating. This is just one reason I joined bust.com/lounge. To find more women like myself. To help and be helped but also just enjoy being myself. It’s hard to be a sexually oriented female today.
GiGi21
Pugs- I so know what you are saying about the being more open about sex. My best gf and I were talking and she said she's real sick of being single- b/c she could really use an orgasm and said don't you have a vibrator? Everyone was shocked! And she had never even considered getting one. I just don't understand- we all do why can't we be more open.

My sister has not only never had an orgasm- she doesn't even enjoy sex. Whenever I try to talk to her about it she goes I can't believe we're talking about this! We could all learn so much from one another if we would just talk!

As far as a man taking control- Mr Gigi is the kindest most gentle man so when he takes control it is so rare that it's pretty damn exciting! When he got home from Chicago last night- he took me right on the stairs- now whoa that was exciting.

We are so not freaks wink.gif
ms.gb
hi pugs! welcome to the thread.

i love the way this thread is going....mr.gb called me last nite to tell me he was 20 mins away from home and he wanted me to have my hair in pigtails and wearing a little skirt...me being sick...just laughed and said...'sure..i'll do the pig tails.' but i forgot in my sick haze and he arrived, slightly disappointed but happy to see me. later i surprised him with an oral session on my favorite chair. he was surprised but very happy. but surprises are what helps us long term-ers....which is why i need to go shopping for some costumes. hehe
katiebelle2882
i want to mention that i know you might think its odd that i am in here when i am not involved in a LTR but i was for 4 years and i am very seriously considering getting back together with him, so these are issues i want to work out since it was a problem the first time:)

if you dont mind me asking, how old are you and your sis GiGi? sometimes these are conversations that come with getting older. sometimes certain people, especially women, are just squeamish about talking about sex and i think thats sad as well. i am lucky to have a sister that is happy to talk about it, and her friends are as well. shes only 20 and i know many 20 year olds arent like this.

my friends are pretty open as well, which is another reason why i am lucky, since we talk about this stuff all the time. i cant believe she never considered a vibrator, or just using her hands gigi, i almost feel sorr y for her if shes that in the dark about stuff. did she say she might get one? to rely on a man for an orgasm is about as bad as relying on one for money in my mind!
LoveMyPugs
It's very frustrating to be me sometimes.

I love to watch porn.
I love to give head.
I love to be dominated.

All of these don't usually fly with my girlfriends. They think this is something that a woman with sexual issues does and that I need therapy or something. Mr. Pug and I have been together for 10 years 07/27/06. We have worked hard at keeping the spark there. We talk, talk and talk some more. I know what my man loves and he knows what I love. I love to turn him on more then I like to be turned on and vice versa. We have been together longer then any of our friends. I think some of my girlfriends need to get off their female high horse and let their hair down and get alittle dirty. I think they all feel conflicted or ashamed about it. I just don't understand that kind of thinking. I'm Catholic for christmas sakes. I don't care. It makes me and Mr. Pug feel good and that's all that matters. I wish others could just come to terms with their sexuality and experiment alittle. Maybe they all do the same thing I do but just keep it to themselves. I guess there is nothing wrong with that. Whatever rubs your budda!
katiebelle2882
wait, they think you need therapy bc of those three things? that is the dumbest thing i have ever heard and if anything, THEY need therapy bc they are sexually repressed and frigid. i feel sorry for them. sometimes i can hardly blame women bc we grow up in a culture that says to be sexual is to be a slut/whore. i think its slowly changing thank god but still. not for anything, but women like that end up with boyfriends that cheat.

i have a stupid theory, but its pretty good nonetheless. do your friends have issues with food? do they eat things like pizza and french fries with a fork? i sweaer, every person i meet like this i hear is bad in bed from guy friends or whatnot. anyone whose afraid of a mess is appparently like a dead fish when it comes to sex and being adventurous. i think women are like this far more then men cause we are taught to be from the very beginning.

you sound like you have a healthy relationship LMP, and part of me thinks they know that and are a little jealous.
you have come to the right place to talk about it though!
pepper
well, pug, porn still squicks me out personally but Yes to loving giving head, Yes to loving being dominated (or turning the tables now and then) and Yes, Oh GOD YES to a slew of other horrible, terrible, no-good, very-bad, nastily delicious things. whatever. i talk to girlfriends who are also genuinely Into sex about my sex life. those other girls? we discuss shoes.
ain't nuthin' wrong with you baby. do what makes you feel good, that's my motto.

and you know, for some people what feels good is, not much of anything. i don't torment those folk with tales of my exploits. just 'cause i like it doesn't mean they have to. i wouldn't want to be talked into liking what they like, why do it to them? different strokes for different folks. or no strokes at all, as the case may be. sad but true.
venetia
Heh.. I have to say it - Katiebelle maybe your guy friends and whatnot are pretty bad in bed too and that is why the fork women "play dead" - sleeping with a guy who is so selfish he is going to diss you to other women probably IS a wee bit off-putting.

If everyone minded their own orgasms things would be a lot easier for all of us. I know an older woman who has never come come and she said that by far the worst thing about it is that if someone finds out, they nag her and buy her vibrators, or men spend hours trying to "make" her come. I have to say I felt guilty because I'd been just about to do the same thing.
dirtybunny
((Busties)) and to all the chickas that are closet freaks or just love having sex and aren't ashamed of it!

I have a situation and am in need of some unbiased opinions...

Mr db and I have been together for 4 years and lived together for 3 1/2 of those...Our sex life is sad / seriously lacking and has been pretty much from the beginning. Why you ask are we together then? Well, I followed my heart and gut feeling with this guy and literally got what I wished for... I just forgot to ask for a decent sex life! We are both artists, have the same interests and are in love with each other but when it comes to the bedroom everything just falls apart!!! There is no passion and everything just feels awkward like in highschool (downright uncomfortable for me sometimes).

I cannot explain how much this hurts me. For the duration of this relationship all I have done is question myself (is it me? what am I doing wrong? you know the list)...I'm 28, hot, healthy and have never lacked for a willing and enthused partner...Until that is I fell for this guy! I am not ashamed of my being a sexual person and am comfortable with myself and love giving and receiving. My Mr on the other hand is the opposite, he has limited interest in sex and me physically (no he's not cheating and as far as I've seen and been told I am his type). I have tried everything twice, lingerie, naked, dirty shows, iniating sex, you name it, I've tried it. It seems that I am religated to once a week fooling around (that does nothing for me) that leads to possible sex. Honestly I have a better time with myself. We have talked about it and nothing ever sticks with him, he has interest in me and is horny like a school boy when we have been apart for a while; otherwise nada unless it's Saturday morning when he wants it.

I feel like a trophy that's loved and respected until I get into the bedroom...This is the person I want to marry!? I'm not sure how I can cope with being sexless and for how long. In some ways I think I'm kidding myself that it will work. But really, can you have love with no passion or sexual expression? Does anyone have the same thing going on or any suggestions?

I hope this doesn't kill the thread. Thanks for letting me vent at the very least, I hope I didn't sound like a whiney brat...There are far worst situations to be in.
katiebelle2882
lol en, i would say it could be true for some of them, but a bunch of the i have also happened to sleep with so i know first hand that they arent bad in bed;)
maddy29
you gotta talk to him, sorry but that's the only way. i've been unhappy with my sex life too for a while, and it's soo hard to bring it up, but i had to with my boyfriend, cause i just haven't been happy with it lately.

i had a big argument with him this weekend and part of it was that he just doesn't seem interested in me sexually, which is a shitty feeling, plus hello-i need to get laid! i mean really. so i had to lay it out there, that i want more affection, more foreplay and kissing, and i NEED oral sex. NEED IT. i used to be so shy about it that he just didn't do it, cause it made me so nervous, and it still does but i gotta practice wink.gif

but yeah, you gotta talk to him about it, and find out what's up. you said it's always been like this?
katiebelle2882
you do have to talk to him! otherwise, yes you can love without sex but thats called being friends:(
Kalevra
Hiya Filthyrabbit tongue.gif erm dirtybunny

Yep, you are gonna have to talk to him, but remember always:

MEN DO NOT GET HINTS!

you are going to have to be direct, yep, just come out and say it,...say what you have to say sincerely......do not involve emotions when you speak to him; no crying, no high pitched voice, no angst-ridden querying....ok? See, the thing is, men do enjoy the chase, it is part of our instinct, and when everything is given to us on a plate, we get bored.....it's not bored of you, it's not bored of sex...it is a lack of challenge.....and make some subtle hints at odd time's of the day....unexpectedly.....send him a text while you are at work...'I am so hornyHONRY right now, I am craving you inside me' or something like that....see what sort of reaction you get...if it is HO-HUM or some shit like that.....well then, you might be destined to be FRIENDS as per KatieBelle over there.

I am guilty of being a little 'distant' in a relationship once...partly due to work stuff that was getting me down, too many hobbies as well as some light criticism I got from her sometimes...but after some communication...we got over it, and found some renewed drive....

You say you have a better time by yourself?......try this, have a great time by yourself.......while he is in the bed next to you....see what he thinks of that!.....I am prepared to wager $20 he has a total headspin and pounces you!

*this is my opinion, any use of the above advice is done at your own risk* laugh.gif

Me and my 'teflon coated responsibility'
katiebelle2882
hey dirty bunny (hahahaha filthy rabbit) that is some excellent advice our boy K just gave you about having a great time by yourself with him right there! seriously. how did we not think of that? its great having a boy in here!
smapde
dirtybunny,

I would like to third the "you have to talk to him" advice. I know it's hard because I just had to have the very same discussion with Mr. Smap a few days ago....for about the fourth time in 10 years. I'm ready to throw in the towel if things don't look up soon.

Our relationship sounds EXACTLY like yours. I love him, he makes me laugh, he's a fantastic father (I know you don't have kids, just wanted to throw that in there), no cheating/abuse, provides for his family blah blah blah.... I traded security for passion and it's been eating away at me for TEN YEARS!

If your man listens to what you have to say and things change, right on. BUT, if you have a straight-forward and honest discussion and he's still clueless, don't marry him. Please don't make the same mistake I did. sad.gif
dirtybunny
Smapde your situation is what I am worried about ending up in! He is so amasing and we are so in love with each other... but there is zero passion.

We have talked, and talked some more...it doesn't seem to sink in for more than a week, if that. Our first year together I just shut up and blamed myself...not healthy for the self-esteem. As I became more comfortable with voicing my feelings, I started to open up and say what was bothering me or that I wanted to get off too etc. He listens to me but nothing much cums of it, pun intended!

I'm not a nympho and am far from unreasonable; but this is just unfair! It's not stress, job, birth control, roomates (we have none), maybe it is me?! It's not experience/lack there of, nothing seems to stick, there is no real interest in me or my pleasure...We don't go out on dates (I ask but he doesn't want to), he has said that I look hot all of once in the past year (I look hot often, thank you very much!). When I asked if he was embarrasssed by me or something, he said he wasn't. The only time we have had good sex recently was when I came home from being away for almost 2 mths; that lasted for like 3 days then BAM back to same ol'. I even asked jokingly where the hot guy that was so fun went!

Kalevera your suggestions are gold and are what I have been doing for the better part of 3 years now!!! New undies and trashy clothes show, "I want you so bad" "I need you", wanna watch me get off (I put a whole new spin on the teacher game), talk dirty, you name it! Any other man would be jumping me like nobodies business (I've run the whole thing by my friends and it's the common consensus), just not the one I want.

I don't want to cheat on him but am tearing my hair out, what am I to do??! The thought of breaking up with someone because of this seems cruel to me, though staying in it and suffering is equally cruel. Ugghhh!
katiebelle2882
two things my dear DB

1)it is not you-so dont think that

2) you shouldnt have to live the rest of your life this way, and if you do, there is a good chance you will spend the rest of your life resenting yourself, and him. this isnt going to be easy, but i really think you need to dump him. if anything, it will at the very least give him a wakeup call, and at the most, he wont be upset and you will realize that this is the end of the relationship.

ok so maybe 3 things

3) if you have tried and tried and tried to no avail, its not like you are giving up without a fight, and you have to come to the conclusion that he is NOT the one for you, despite everything else you say.

i am also confused how you can say hes "so amazing" yet he refuses to really try to make this better. i think you need to take a 2nd (or 10th as the case may be) look at this guy. i am sure hes great in other ways, but not realizing what this is doing to you shows a remarkable lack of sensitivity and caring towards you and your relationship.
LoveMyPugs
I'm new to this site and don't know what the general consensious is on therapy but Mr. Pug and I went to therapy when he wanted it 24 times a day and I wanted it once a month. She really did help us to see each others views. Have you tried couples therapy? Maybe he's just not getting it. Maybe a therapist could explain it to him. Or maybe you have to stand over top of him on the bed in crouchless panties with a whip and a megaphone and scream "WOULD YOU FUCK ME PLEASE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE BEFORE I GO FIND SOMEONE THAT WILL?" I'd have to say that if you try therapy and it doesn't work then katiebelle is right and you need to leave him. Leaving him for this reason is not cruel. What he is doing to you is cruel. You have to give and take. As much as I hate to admit it, sometimes I put out for Mr. Pug even when I don't feel like it. In all honesty those times really suck for me and I'm sure they aren't great for him either but it gets the poisons out of the building and helps him to back off alittle. BUT, when I do want it look out. He's greatfull when I put out and don't really feel like it and I'm greatfull when he "puts it down" when I want it. GOOD LUCK SWEETHEART! That is a very sticky situation and I wish you the best of luck. Be brave and stick to your guns.
Kalevra
dirtybunny

THERE, you said it yourself!!!

It has got to a point where you are considering leaving him or cheating on him. He needs to know how badly this is affecting you....(I do like LMP's suggestion with the megaphone n' whips, I for one would take you right there an then, regardless of who, what, why, or where...you would be man-handled, FULLSTOP)erm, ....I digress..yes! One of Our Dear Lord's little jokes of many, is the fact that we are inherently incompatible as humans.....us boys peak in late teens/early 20's and you girls are all in 30-40 range...sometimes your libido is high, and vice versa.....this means we have to find the partner that is most compatible with us, and we are both able to adapt should the equilibrium tip.....looks like you might have to look a little further....

If the baker cannot make the bread rise, time to find a new baker....this goes for BOTH sexes.

venetia
Dirtybunny, is your bf loving and considerate and fair in the way he treats you in general?

Over the years I've come to the conclusion that sex is an area in which, for some reason, often people place a lot of their senses of individual identity - who they "are" - to the point where it makes it feel to one of these people like having ANY sort of sex, aside from what they spontaneously desire, seem like a betrayal of "Self".

Which is a bit silly - even when "not in the mood" good gfs and bfs make beds, do dishes, give backrubs and basically would walk a mile for their partner just as part of a loving relationship without feeling at all compromised, so why is a little sex so difficult and such a big deal? Yet when someone sees it like that it really IS a big deal to them. And this is hard to change, so if your bf is like that...combined with a low libido... it may be time to call it a day. I wasn't at all surprised to read your response to Kalevra's suggestion because if your bf is one of those people, I bet if you masturbated in bed next to him he would feel threatened, and might even roll over in silence or complain that you were keeping him awake. (heh. can you tell I dated one once?)

Disclaimer: I can see how in a context of, say, women's rights it's important to be in control of your own sexuality, of course. I'm not saying women should just shut up and put out, and I definately don't think anyone should engage in sex they really don't want to. I just think both men and women blow sex-for-its-own-sake way out of proportion sometimes, and that this seems to have something to do with the way our societies treat sex.
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