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ritzyreese
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ritzyreese
My guy and I are about to acknowledge six months of being together. We are celebrating the first time we’d drunkenly made out at a party (shame) as the anniversary date. Following the party night, we had one date and he left town for a week, but we were not considering ourselves ‘official.’ During this week, I stupidly made out with a dude from my past. I’d chosen to forget about this slip-up until my current boyfriend and I are now celebrating the anniversary date as the first time we’d hooked up. Now I am feeling as though I’d been unfaithful to him even though we were not boyfriend/girlfriend at the time. Should I tell him about it and change the date? Should I forget about it, not being a big deal, and love the time that I’m with him now?

Thanks for the reply, Pollystyrene.
midgemcgrath
oh my gosh, how did i not find this thread earlier???

gals, it is sooo comforting to know that so many of you are going through the same thing, you wouldn't believe! myself and mr. midge have been together 3.5 years, and have dropped down to 1-2x/wk depending on how busy we are... i know it bothers him somewhat that my drive is not as good as when we first got together, but i have seriously been trying! i have ibs, am on birth control, and am trying to finish my masters degree, and just am not in the mood very much. it would be okay, except when he tries to initiate and i don't feel like it, he takes it really personally. but damn, i can't just turn it on!

has anyone found anything that has helped get more into it after a while?

ps. ritzy--i get sex insomnia too, though not the exact same situation, but often if i have sex right before going to sleep, it totally takes me hours before i can fall asleep...wtf?!
miss_b
Midgemcgrath-
me and Mr B have been together 4 years and only manage it about once a week in a good month. We've found that trying to be more intimate and cuddly, without sex in mind, helps. Also going out and having fun together like when we started dating. I was having trouble relaxing (degree, work, money etc) so I do Yoga and some meditation, and try and view Mr B as a person to relax with not someone who'll stress me out.
It takes time, but I think trying to act/feel like you did when you first fell in love helps. Its helping us so far :-)
treehugger
ritzyreese~

I'd vote for the just forget about it and focus on what you have now! You weren't anything official and I certainly wouldn't call it "cheating".

Let bygones be bygones. :-)
midgemcgrath
missb--

see, i'd really like for it to be like that, but i seriously feel like sometimes i can't just kiss and snuggle with him because then he wants to do it... and he says he likes to just make out, but then when i stop, he seems rejected. and we've actually talked about it, but it's like when we are talking about it he gets it, and then in the actual situation nothing changes!
culturehandy
midgemscgrath I am the same way with my partner. Sometimes I can't snuggle without him trying to get in my pants, then he too feels rejected. Then sometimes, just sometimes, I feel bad about saying no, but I still don't have sex if I don't want to.
culturehandy
Midgemcgrath same thing with my partner and myself. Sometimes I only want to snuggle, yes I am flattered that you still highly attracted to me, but there is the big thing called life that gets in the way of ones sex drive.
ritzyreese
(Aah, I keep accidentally posting twice.)
ritzyreese
Sometimes I think it helps to have a mutual understanding (such as predertermined signs or signals) that help communicate what each person wants out of a snuggle or makeout session. Just kissing or cuddling, as well as sex, are great if you are both on the same level.

You and your guy could have a little bootie grab that says, "hey sexy, wanna get down?" or glasping a hand that says, "I'm glad you're here, but I'm just not into it right now." Both partners can communicate their needs without the confusion of ambiguous (and sometimes misinterpreted) kissing or cuddling.
midgemcgrath
ritzy--good in theory, but just like talking about it, when it actually comes to reality, it isn't that easy.

culture--i'm the same, if i don't feel like it, and don't feel like i can get in the mood, i'm not going to do it just for him...sometimes i'll do other things...but i just don't always feel up for it. what is it with guys? i really like cuddling with him and kissing him, and i don't know why that translates in boy-speak to lets get it on...
ginger_kitty
Midege, culture, I was just lurking in here and I have the same problem with Mr Ginger. Sometimes a sweet makeout session is all I want, and he doesn't seem to get that. We have talked about it also, but once things get going he almost always wants more. Sometimes I give my hubby a bit of a cold shoulder, because I know what is going to happen if I give him an inch.

And I have never been able to have sex just for the sake of having it. If I'm not in the mood, I not in the mood. I refuse to fake it. That seems unfair to both partners, if there is faking going on. But I also feel bad for rejecting him sometimes.
culturehandy
It seems so sympathetic. Its like a mercy fuck, and that is not cool.
lux
From the other end of table:
I have a high ( idon't think unusually high) sexdrive and my girlfriends just disapeared somewhere. No matter how much i like the makeout sessions, it's really hard not to feel dissapointed when it doesn't leed anywhere when you already before that feel like your not getting enough action. Ok, this doesn't mean that you should have sex with someone just to avoid hurting their feelings. But at least in my situation it feels like she just doesn't want to get on the mood. Sometimes it would be a good idea to relax, make a bit of an effort and try to get on the mood. i'm not telling you to fake it, but is it always necessary to hang on to the idea of not being in the mood.

Ok, this might just be my frustration speaking, because i know i have to wait a week before my period ends and there's some chances of getting some. i really don't think it's fair that i'm the only one who has to compromise in the sense of how much sex we're having.

venetia
Maybe it depends on how irrevocable "not in the mood" is for different people? Like old cars. Some of us can cold start and others need to warm up first, and others simply are not going to go at all.
miss_b
Lux is right though, if I didn't work on trying to get in the mood, even if it isn't always successful, I'd never have sex. I've found that personally its very easy to fall into the habit of not having sex and then the less you do it the less you want it.

MrB and I talk about it alot, which helps. If I'm *really* not in the mood I'll say 'I just want cuddles' and then at least he knows. However if I'm just feeling 'bleh' I'll say 'I don't feel horny but maybe we'll see what happens' and then we feel it out (as it were) from there.
midgemcgrath
miss b-- i am the same, if i didn't work on it, it wouldn't happen at all! the 1-2x/wk that is happening is because i am trying! but i totally agree that the more you do it, the easier it is to get in the mood, and when i get out of the habit, i could really care less.

lux-- although i see what you are saying, trust me, it IS a compromise on both sides! otherwise there would likely be nothing happening! like i had mentioned earlier, ibs+gradschool+hormonal birthcontrol=next to zero sex drive.

last night, mr. m. was like 'why don't you want to kiss me?' so i told him, and then he seemed a little rejected, but not so bad, and then we made out for a while. it worked out okay, so i guess i just have to keep trying to develop our 'secret' language or way of understanding about it...
ginger_kitty
For me, I have a pretty healthy sex drive, only 1 or 2x a week and I would be like a wild animal stalking my husband. Thoughts of sex would overcome my brain!

But still just a little makeout seesion from time to time would be nice. Even if I do change my mind and want more, sometimes that feeling of wanting more and waiting a few hours/days makes for the best sex!
venetia
Yeah well that's me too, and although I usually have a reasonable sex drive, if I'm not at all in the mood I have sex anyway because I know that I'll have fun - it's like swimming, for me, I just have to make the effort to get my gear off and dive in. I don't want to ever get out of the habit of having sex at least once a day.

If the worst comes to the worst my partner or I will say that the other (non-tired) person has to "do all the work", so the tired, not in the mood person gets lots of attention and oral and whatever. That arrangement works for us. Occasionally we reschedule if we're both tired. But I don't think everyone's like this.
ginger_kitty
venetia, my hubby and me do rainchecks also. We are kinda like I am to tired I owe ya.
red
OK, this is my issue. My boyfriend and I are together 7 months, and living together since February. For the duration of our relationship sex was never frequent...he has circulation issues due to nerve damage. The thing is this: I want it all the time...and I'm kinkier than he is, more willing to do different things. And I love oral...both giving and receiving (he is the first man to get me off that way). Sometimes he can't stay hard during intercourse, but can still totally get off if I finish him off orally. So there are "occasions" where we do 69, and it's mindblowing. Those occasions however are few and far between. We haven't had actual intercourse in 4 weeks, and only last weekend did the 69 thing. He's not vocal during sex, and I definitely AM vocal. I like to tell him what feels good, that he's pleasing me. He stays silent. He told me once that he was about to come and that itself almost pushed me over the edge because it was the first time he spoke during sex. He told me once that he's a very sexual person, and all I could think was "How do I meet THAT guy?"...I'm very tempted to go home tonight, give him a kiss and hug hello, put my hand in his crotch and tell him that later on, he's gonna F... me once and for all...otherwise I'm gonna F... HIM....how do I get this guy to give it up more often...I feel like he's turned off by the fact that I want it so much? Is that possible?
midgemcgrath
hey, red, you might want to try the frustration thread?
ritzyreese
Red~
Sometimes being really aggressive can be a turn off. Can you try directly asking him what turns him on?
red
So i didn't actually throw him down on the floor and strip him naked. I haven't exaclty been "aggressive" thus far, unless one considers taking the initiative every now and then to be aggressive. I get that he wouldn't really be into it. I haven't directly asked him, I don't know why. I have something to say about everything else in the world it seems, you would think I could open my big mouth about that, too. Come to think of it, he's never asked me, either. Actually, we've never really talked that much about it. Sad, now that I come to the realization. I DID, however, ask him the other night if he's ever done anal...he said no. But the conversation didn't go any further...I suppose I should've asked if he'd be interested...I just go the feeling he had no desire to really delve deeper into the subject. I just want to feel like he wants me as much as I want him. Maybe there's another thread for strong, independent women who need psychotherapy and constant approval? This is insane.
ginger_kitty
red, Some times my hubby likes it if I throw him on the floor.

It sounds to me like it might be time to sit down and have a serious conversation w/ your guy. Let him know how you feel and try to get him to open up to you.
lux
red- being "aggressive" might help, i don't know? If you haven't been talking about this, maybe you should. he can't read your mind do you have to tell him how you feel. probably it wont be fun. at least it hasn't been in my case, but finally i've convinsed my girlfriend that we actually have to speak about the lack of sex in our relationship. if you just keep it inside you, you will end up feeling insane. the talking might not help, it's not a patent cure for everything, but it might help after the tenth time. the fact that you want sex more often doesn't meen that your just seeking approval, this is what my gf tried to make me think. how i see it sex is like sleep, some people just physically need more than others.

so, after all the babling: if you haven't been aggressive, try it. that might be what he's been waiting for. try talking, make him see that this is really bothering you and for you to happy you need to get this thing sorted out.

just trying to be of help, while my own sex-crises is under control:-)
red
Okay, so tonight I'll hopefully have the opportunity to talk to him. I don't want to end up resenting him because I avoided opening my mouth...no pun intended. Thanks for the advice.
huh
i have been with my hubby for 7 years, one kid, and one on the way, i am not a sexual person, sucks for him, because he is, so of course I have to force myself to have sex. i usually enjoy it once i get there, but i would rather not go through the trouble of getting there and just go to sleep. selfish? yes.The sucky thing is that he takes it personally and thinks i don't love him or that i am having an affair, i love him more than life itself, he is the greatest guy ever, gorgeous looking man, oh my God...any woman in their right mind would have him on his back in a second...so i guess i just answered my own question...i quess i am just not in my right mind - oh dear!
ritzyreese
A balanced sex life between any two people is always a process.
Remember to communicate, acommodate & practice. :-)
ritzyreese
A balanced sex life between any two people is always a process.
Remember to communicate, acommodate & practice. :-)
katiebelle2882
yeah i have to say, you might have a problem there huh. it could be medical. have you always been like this? this is going to sound mean but i am shocked he married you in that, if sex is important to someone, it should be a dealbreaker in that its going to become an issue eventually. of course hes going to think something is wrong, i mean not wanting to have sex with someone can be seriously hurtful to their ego and it usually means something IS wrong. perhaps you should get checked out by a doctor.

then again, if he doesnt help around the house and isnt doing much to help you, it may be that as well. because as everyone has discussed before, a man helping out is a turn on in and of itself.
pepper
i don't know if i agree with that at all. someone not being a sexual person and not wanting to have sex doesn't neccessarily mean that something is wrong. it's just that person's make-up is all. and, hellO, one kid and one on the way? yeah, kids are the biggest anti-aphrodisiac i know of. with my kid i was celibate for almost three years yo, and i LOVE sex.
now the jealousy and suspicion are a nothing thing entirely.
kitty8499
HUH if you weren't pregnant i'de ask you what kind of birth control you were on.Often bc pills kill your sex drive.I recently had to switch from bc pills to the patch.My gyno man gave me a hormone blood test.He explained that my body was making enough hormones but the pills were causing them to bind up and not get where they needed to go.Basically just flowing around in my bloodstream.He gave me a shot of testosterone and told me id'e feel better in a couple of months.He was right.I have more energy and sex drive then i've had in a long time.Who'de of known it was do to birth control pills.
huh
Thanks for the input everyone...at first (as i am sure it is with most people) being sexual is easy i guess...but over time and with stresses of life it kind of takes the back seat...i know that is a bullshit excuse but i am just bored with it. My sleep is more important (how sad). As far as birth control I used an IUD since anything hormonal screwed me up royaly - weight, skin, moods etc - it was a nightmare...the IUD worked the best. it is true what you say about the man helping around the house, he does the outside stuff you know...the manly-man stuff...its not so much what goes on at home, it seems that i just take a back seat to his friends sometimes, and will say the things i want to hear a lot closer to bed time, so Im sure you can see how superficial that sounds. oh well. i guess i really just have to find something that works, something that will get me going again - other than a week away from kids and work and house keeping...
katiebelle2882
yeah thats why i asked if you were always like that. i mean, if you were ALWAYS like that then it may be a problem ya know. but since clearly you havent always been like that i dont know if i would say you "arent a sexual person", you just have things in the way of making you feel sexual. kids, chores...life really.

now that you elaborated and stuff, its easy to see why you have no sex drive. maybe once the kid is born exactly what you need is a week away with the husband and no kids.
midgemcgrath
katiebelle, just thought you should be aware of how totally offensive it is when you keep saying that people who have always had lower sex drives have a "problem" that needs to be looked at. people naturally have different sex drives, and just because someone doesn't prioritize sex the way someone else does doesn't mean there's something inherently wrong with that.

just hoping you could be more sensitive to those of us for whom it IS normal to have a lower sex drive.
maddy29
Thanks midge- I agree-I just have a not so high sex drive, most of the time, and it's frustrating to feel like "it's a problem." When I don't feel like sex, it's usually cause i'm tired and stressed out and have other stuff on my mind.

I had an old friend who was way on the other side of the sex spectrum-one of those people who could just stay up all night doing it, and doing it....I can't do that! I woulnd't want to either-I LOVE sleep and sleep is very important to me.

Huh- it sounds like you are tired and stressed and kind of a typical mom! my sister and her husband argue about sex because once she's spent the whole day with the kids and gotten them into bed, and he gets home from work and the gym, she's exhausted, and he's like hey baby:-) it'll be 11:00 and she's just ready to go to sleep.

Is your husband upset about your lack of interest? or is it you that is concerned?
pepper
girls, personally I'M not offended so let's not make blanket statements ok? these are just ideas we're kicking around, it's ok to think out loud in here right? so long as no offense was intended. let's be gentle with each other.

when i had a bf whose sex drive seemed to alway be miles ahead of mine i suffered from self-inflicted pressure to "catch-up" with him. i felt like i never wanted to and like he always did, i felt guilty about saying no all the time. i wanted him to leave me alone so that i could be the one to come to him, i thought if he gave me some breathing room i'd finally be able to feel attracted to him again.
it just never happened. i had to face the fact that his personality and what we had between us wasn't attractive to me anymore and didn't turn me on. i ended our relationship.
perhaps if i'd had a family with him and more of a reason to stick it out and work through things i would have stayed and done just that. but i really, REALLY think that when it's progressed (or degenerated) to that point it's time to ask for help. if i ever find myself in that position again i'm going for counselling. thinking back i see that the hole we'd dug ourselves into was too deep to get out of on our own. it's no wonder it fell apart, we needed some help.
katiebelle2882
um, midge, the words she used "force myself" etc seemed to indicate that she herself was worried about it. when you have to "force yourself" to have sex, i think that is slightly indicative of something going on. of course people have different sex drives, she made it seem as though she really had none, and was worried about it. i was just saying that how if she is worried, there are a number of things it can be, especially since she indicated it wasnt always like this for her. if it turns out that its just her normal sex drive, then fine, it's not a problem. she seemed to think it might be, so i responded. sorry if i offended anyone.

i mean, she is stressed, thats why she doesnt want to have sex (as is the case with alot of women here) so i do think thats a problem. not with us women, but just with life in general. in fact, i dont necessarily think that is any indicator of her natural sex drive. luckily, it can be fixed, however, its just something that happens to most people once they have real responsiblities.

no offense meant to anyone.
lux
if the lack of interest is due to too much domestic-chores, then tell your husbands about it! they can't read your minds any more than i can read my girlfriends. for some reason she is not willing to tell me what time of the day she'd be willing or what could i do to get her on the mood. it's really frustrating. and yes i take it very personally that she's not interested or doesn't seem to want to do anything about the problem. i think that's the only natural reaction. you can't expect someone to just take it easy when you're being constantly rejected.
huh
I considered the possibility that it was a medical issue...but the more I put on my plate the less energy i have. My hubby works hard to support our family, i have a job that really doesn't bring in much, but my hours are perfect for my childs school schedule. I do feel like he could be with someone that could satisfy him the way he needs I guess. I find myself apologising to him for not being the nymphomaniac he wishes for :-) He is understanding most times about being tired and not being in the mood...but sometimes he can be just plane mean to me, and that makes me feel bad. But he isn't really doing it intentionally, but just because it hurts him i guess. I just wish i could get pleasure out of it each time, then i would probably be down to do it more often too...
midgemcgrath
pardonez moi for asking for a little sensitivity! i thought that's what we were here for. whatev.
skandelouslala
After 5 years together I am finding that our sex life (my fiance & I) seems to actually be getting better. When I first realized this I was like...how can this be because so many people try and tell you that the lohnger you're together the more monotonous it comes and blah blah blah.

Not the case for us I don't think. And I can actually see our sex life getting increasingly better in the near future and beyond just b/c I think...we DO get bored of the same old same old so it inspires us to try new things and branch out more.

Don't get me wrong, we've had our slumps but those are frusturation enough to get out of them and go for something new and different. I'm not saying if you have to work something kinky into your routine but sometimes a new position and/or technique can work freakin wonders.

huh
i am sure that would work...i guess i am just scared to try anything out of my comfort zone, i am not a fan of toys, but am willing to try new positions, but shit...i am just so freaking lazy, i want to get it done and go to sleep. Right now probably isn't the best time to try too much new stuff since i would be too concerned to hurt the baby, eventho 'they' say you can't hurt the baby...its always at the back of any moms (mom-to-be) mind. Skandel...I am jealous!!
lila_x
I am married and i've been with my husband for 3 years. Like most couples, our sex-drives differ a lot. For me, the perfect time to have sex is at night, i feel really really inspired and i think there's something sensual about the night that makes me hornier. My husband, however, is always tired. i first took offense of it, and thought he wasn't attracted by me anymore, blah, blah blah, but then we figured out we just have a problem of synchronization: my husband is always ready to go in the morning, when i'm sleepy and don't want to do anymore than cuddling. So now, i found that we need to work on that so we can have sex when it feels like the right moment for both of us (late afternoon when we come from work or late morning at the week-end).
katiebelle2882
hey lila, you are not alone. i am pretty sure research shows that men are more into it in the morning and women at night. i for one, totally agree unless for some strange reason, i am feeling it in the AM
chloedan
delurking to back you up on the morning/night thing. i always want sex at night when he is too tired,and in the morning with the sunlight streaming in and the comatose feeling i always have till about noon, it's the last thing on my mind! i could never understand why he liked it then, but i guess it's a common thing.
kittenbonanza
I'd have sex more often, but I usually have to do all the work. Sometimes I just want to lie back and let him do his thing, you know? I don't have to have five orgasms every time we have sex. But he hates missionary and has devoted his life to giving me more orgasms than I give him or something.
hummingbird
I have the same issue, my boyfriend likes it at night and in the morning...I prefer nighttime sex. I just want to get up in the morning and get the day started and then have sex like in the afternoon because sex first thing in the morning slows us down and we end up cuddling for way too long afterward.
mermaidgirl13
Chiming in on the morning/night thing too. I like having sex at night, or at least, just not in the morning. In the morning I feel gross and just want to shower and start the day,like you said Humminghbird.

I've been with him for 8 years and I think sex during the last two years has been better than it ever was before.

It's interesting how it fluctuates though - in our time together, there have been a couple stretches of several months when we hardly had sex and then months where we have a lot. It's interesting how it goes, but sucks when we are in different places sex-drive wise.
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