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pollystyrene
I don't know what it's like in Ireland, but isn't it sort of pseudo-against the law here to kill yourself? I think to some extent you're legally obligated to call the authorities if you know someone's going to do that. Is there anyone you can contact there to stop him?
girlygirlgag
He attempted today, luckily we were able to get the authorities there in time. International intervention is not easy.
pollystyrene
Well, I hope maybe things will be better now (((ggg)))
bunnyb
Time to resurrect this thread, excuse the pun.

Although without auralpoison I'm not sure how long it will survive. Hee.

I guffawed today to find out that my best friend's mother and grandmother (their ashes) are being kept in her aunt's garden shed. It's so irreverent I love it! They are actually going to be buried beneath a tree that was planted for her grandpa but it's being moved so they've been in with the lawnmower for the last eighteen months. In actual fact, they exhumed her mother who(se urn) was already buried there (illegally).
culturehandy
Bunny, that is pretty cool!

I like the fact that in some cultures, they eat you, the reasoning is it's much warmer and more loving to eat someone than to pitch them in the cold ground. Although, I do likes the sound of green cemetaries. No embalming fluid and other toxic stuff. Why do I care what I look like? I'm dead!!!!!
missladyj
My aunt passed away last May and I really didn't handle it well, drinking, smoking alot of just passing out. Not good. This was compounded by the fact that I had to go to Florida with my parents and share a hotel room with them .Ugh!! I also had to keep them from the nonstop fighting. In order to do this, I had to drive the rental car. The minute I get out of the car they were at each others throats. It was rough but I am glad I was there to pay my respects.

Now I have a friend who is dying from cancer . she is really young and I am trying to not just numb myself. I am trying to keep up with my grading, grad school, house work and work out.

After seeing her in the hospital on sunday my first reaction was to just get wasted. but I didn't. It does help me keep what is important in perspective.




I have always found open caskets disturbing. In the Jewish tradition the body is not embalmed nor is it viewed.


Hubby and I had to go to a visitation at a funeral home called Slaughter and Sons. Seriously I shit you not. ONe of his cousins commented on how good his great uncle looked and how he looked like he was sleeping.

Umm the dude was dead, not sleeping. I cant look at dead people in boxes. It's just no how I was raised.
pollystyrene
Did anyone happen to see the Frontline on PBS that aired last night about the funeral industry and death? It was interesting. It followed one particular family-owned funeral home and several families who had funerals done there. The hardest one was the 2-year-old boy who had a rare genetic disease and was basically doomed from birth. His parents seemed to accept the fact that he was going to die and were very candid in planning his funeral and dealing with his eminent death. It was still really sad, though.

On my local PBS station's site, it says you can watch the whole episode...I can't verfify that as my work computer doesn't have Flash installed ( mad.gif ) but I'll check when I get home and post the link.
pollystyrene
Well, I decided on the song I want played at my funeral someday. I always ruin REM songs by looking up the lyrics and discovering how sad they are. Now I'm going to cry everytime I hear this song!

Here's the song, Try Not to Breathe, that someone set to some clips from that TV show, NCIS.

Lyrics:
I will try not to breathe.
I can hold my head still with my hands at my knees.
These eyes are the eyes of the old, shiver and fold.

I will try not to breathe.
This decision is mine. i have lived a full life
And these are the eyes that I want you to remember. oh.

I need something to fly over my grave again.
I need something to breathe.

I will try not to burden you.
I can hold these inside. I will hold my breath
Until all these shivers subside,
Just look in my eyes.

I will try not to worry you.
I have seen things that you will never see.
Leave it to memory me. I shudder to breathe.

I want you to remember. oh. (you will never see)
I need something to fly (something to fly)
Over my grave again. (you will never see)
I need something to breathe. (something to breathe)
Baby, don’t shiver now.
Why do you shiver now? (I will see things you will never see)
I need something to fly (something to fly)
Over my grave again. (I will see things you will never see)
I need something to breathe. oh. oh. oh.

I will try not to worry you.
I have seen things that you will never see.
Leave it to memory me. don’t dare me to breathe.

I want you to remember. oh. (you will never see)
I need something to fly (something to fly)
Over my grave again. (you will never see)
I need something to breathe. (something to breathe)
Baby, don’t shiver now.
Why do you shiver now? (I will see things you will never see)
I need something to breathe. (something to breathe - I have seen things
You will never see)
I want you to remember.

auralpoison
My threads always, ahem, die a slow death. I still say my OCD/anxiety thread was the coolest.

Wow. I, too forget how fucking depressing Mr. Stipe & the boys are, Polly.

We played Norman Greenbaum's "Spirit in the Sky", Queen's "Fat Bottom Girls", & that stoopid fuckin' Kansas song. I should have busted out the Skynard, man.

So. It's almost been two months. It's weird. I skipped all the stages of grief & went straight to acceptance. Now I just want to tear out my hair because all of the shit I now have to deal with. I know my mother revised her will, but we can't find it. And it's a NIGHTMARE! As the sole heir, I pretty much get everything, but I think she might have made some kind of dispensation for her boyfriend. Which would kinda piss me the fuck off because it's my father's blood money. Somehow I don't like the idea of the guy that was fucking my mom benefitting from my father's death. But I'm evil like that.

An open letter to Busties with living 'rents: TALK TO THEM ABOUT THEIR FINAL PLANS! Get copies of things! TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS!

culturehandy
bump
tesao
my brother in law - my favorite sister's husband - was diagnosed with leukemia on 3 feb. he's dying. i expect him to go sometime today. it has been way too fast, too unexpected, i'm so far away. i have a poem i want to share:

I LIVE MY LIFE

I live my life in growing orbits,
which move out over the things of the world.
Perhaps I can never achieve the last,
but that will be my attempt.

I am circling around God, around the ancient tower,
and I have been circling for a thousand years,
and I still don't know if I am a falcon, or a storm,
or a great song.

Rainer Marie Rilke
erinjane
That's incredibly fast, Tesao. I can't imagine what it's like to lose someone so quickly and unexpectedly. The poem is really beautiful though.
starship
sorry to hear that tesao. I lost an uncle a few years ago completely unexpectedly. He was young (30s) and hadnt been ill at all so we had no warning whatsoever. We just got a phone call one morning and those first few days felt so surreal. It was strange to feel shock at someones death rather than grief; I didnt cry until the funeral over a week later. Because it was so unexpected there was even a police investigation and everything at first. It made it worse to think he'd been alone and might have suffered somehow. I hope your brother in law has people he loves around him and i hope you do to x
tesao
my thanks for your care.

this will sound strange, but my sister and her falcon have been doing this so beautifully. the two of them have been building a bridge of love and light together, having all of the hard but necessary conversations, making the impossible but essential decisions.....they are such an inspiration and such a testament to their love.

he's out of the hospital because he wanted to die at home with his wife and his kitties.

here's something that she just wrote on the website she created to keep us all posted (i literally live half way around the world from where they are):

i heard something once that has been resonating so i share it: you know what you are willing to die for, but what are you willing to live for.falcon has always asked himself and others, 'why choose life?' it is definitely a question to be pondered.

my sister says that he will climb up that bridge and fly very soon. send him wind beneath his wings.
culturehandy
((((((tes)))))) I'm so sorry to hear. The poem was beautiful.

Your sister and her husband are very wise and amazing people. As are you.
tesao
thank you culture. ((((((you and everybustie who has sent vibes through this whole thing)

the falcon flew to the other side at around 17:05 (5pm) Pacific Standard Time on 22 February.


Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
culturehandy
((((((tes))))))

that is intense and amazing. Wow.
missladyj
(((tes)))
I am sorry for your lost. It must be hard to be so far away. Both of those poems are beautiful.
tesao
many thanks to all of you. this time after the death has been strange. i am numb. i stayed at home yesterday, sleeping and cuddling my cat. let some of my local friends know, so i am going out today - for breakfast and for tea and for dinner.

yesterday i needed to be alone.

i haven't heard from any of my family since the death, although i was skyping with another sister when i heard about it. but i haven't talked to my sister the healer, or my husband, or my nieceoid, or my best friend. i suppose that is because i've been away from the computer, but....it contributes to this strange sense of disconnectedness.

it is a beautiful poem. there is a controversy about who wrote it, which i why i didn't post an author.
here's a link if anyone is interested. i just love the poem. it resonates. it helps the pain.


http://www.businessballs.com/donotstandatmygraveandweep.htm
erinjane
(((tesao)))

The poems really were both beautiful, enough that I copied them down into my journals. I'm glad that it sounds like your sister and bil were able to make the most of the time they had left together. They sound like amazing folks.
starship
wow, that poem was so simple yet so beautiful tesao. I jotted it down for the future too. I hope you're bearing up ok, and all your family too. x
auralpoison
(((((((((((Tesao))))))))))))))) Sorry, babe.
tesao
thanks, everyone. my sister is as well as you would expect. she's exhausted and torn. she's also numb, which i think is good for her right now. she is still surrounded by friends and she has her kitties. the fact that mamae is there and that she needs to look after her will help her, too.

it is good, on the one hand, to know that the falcon is no longer in pain and was able to die how he wished.

but death is for the dead. the living have to keep going about it, and i admit that i'm worried about that. he was her support, her rock, her anchor, what kept her strong and tethered to the earth. she is vulnerable and scared, and i don't know how to help with that. what do you do when your life mate is torn from you?

here's another bit that someone posted on the website:

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been to long,
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong,
just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed that with the sun's love
in the spring becomes the rose.


~Bette Midler~
culturehandy
That is so quick for someone. As you said, at least he is no longer in pain and was able to die in a place that he loves, and surround by those he loved and who loved him.
faerietails2
((((tes)))) I'm so sorry. That's intense.
rainarana
Hey Tes, I'm so very sorry. My father died unexpectedly two weeks ago. It was like a punch in the gut. I hope your sister can find what she needs to give her strength. This was on the memorial card. My father never would have wanted us to mourn for too long. The service was about talking about his life and remembering him being happy. This helped. Being so far away is the worst though. I flew back to the states from the NL two days after I got the news but until I got back home it was really difficult to connect to what was happening. Is it possible for you to get back to your family in the near future? This helps so much.





Indian Prayer

When I am dead
Cry for me a little
Think of me sometimes
But not too much.
Think of me now and again
As I was in life
At some moments it's pleasant to recall
But not for long.
Leave me in peace
And I shall leave you in peace
And while you live
Let your thoughts be with the living.
tesao
((((((((rainarana)))))))

i'm so very sorry for you, querida. losing a father is so very very hard. i'm glad that you were able to get home fairly quickly.

how are you feeling now?

your descriptions resonate with me. it was a punch in the gut. maybe a series of them, in my/our case, because the diagnosis was one big punch, then there was hope from the chemo, and then there was a punch when the chemo failed, and now there is that huge loss, especially for my sister and her day to day life.

you're right about "connecting", too. i've been feeling "adrift". it helps to skype with my sister and my husband, but i'm very physical and i really need to hug and touch them.

i've planned to return to the USA in late april, when my neiceoid elle has her baybee, so i felt that i couldn't fly there now, so close to the april date.

i've never seen my sister this vulnerable. it's sort of spooky.
pollystyrene
A German photographer took pictures of people shortly before they died and then soon after. They're pretty amazing:

Life Before Death
culturehandy
polly, that is really interesting! Wow.

((((rainarana))))
erinjane
Wow, those really were amazing.
auralpoison
I bumped the "Death of a Loved One" thread in F&F for those who need it.
culturehandy
On a different note, I've decided that not only do I want to be pitched in the ground and a tree planted in my memory when I die, I also want one tree planted for every year that I have lived. I will leave money specifically for this in my will. I don't want a big sob fest, I want a party when I go!
hellotampon
Wow. Just by looking at the after-death pictures you can tell who was accepting of death and who wasn't.
auralpoison
((((((Rainarana)))))) I bumped a thread for ya. That "Death of a Loved One" thread saved my bacon a few months ago. This thread was intended more for the morbid than the grieving.

Word, CH! I've made an appointment to talk to a lawyer about my will since I now have more than my usual meager assets. I am putting aside X number of dollars for my "shuffling off this mortal coil" todo. I want BBQ, music, more music, & a top shelf bar. I want to be propped up in a chair with a 'tini in hand while my body wears a particularly garish Hawaiian shirt. I'd like a funeral pyre, but that's a bit over the top.
culturehandy
AP, the last line was great. Although, I don't think you'd be the "life" of the party. I couldn't resist that one. I'm picturing you, as I imagine you look like, in a hawaiian shirt, and it's making me chuckle.
pollystyrene
Interesting video about green burial.
auralpoison
I read this & thought it was interesting in light of the fact that I do think my one cat did this last summer. Animal suicide behaviour. There was nothing wrong with Y, I think he just died of a broken heart at losing his best friend.
anarch
Thanks for the link. I love this bit: Pea aphids, for instance, when threatened by a lady bug can explode themselves, scattering and protecting their brethren and sometimes even killing the lady bug.


I hate aphids, but I gotta give them some respect for that awesome ability.

It makes sense to me that your cat would have reacted that way. Most of the cats I know have complex social bonds and understandings with other cats.

Off to see if I can find video of exploding pea aphids...
auralpoison
Dutch prisoners are contacting the dead.

Mr. Van bree " . . . has claimed that by talking to both the prisoner and the prisoner's dead parents he can discover key psychological insights to help the prison authorities rehabilitate criminals." Reeeeeaaaaally?

Huh. I wonder if this guy can put me in touch with somebody that can help me find all the shit I can't find in this mausoleum . . .

And from the HuffPo, ancient Egyptian Door To the Afterlife discovered.

Funerary mix up! D'oh!

When my mom passed, I asked that they leave some of her aside so I could bottle her for family like we did with me da. So I got a baggie of her. I poked it a bit & felt something hard. At first I was disturbed & wanted to know WTF kind of operation the funeral home was running. When I dug it out, I realised it was one of the pins & a plate from when she had her arm rebuilt. I keep it on my keychain as a morbid reminder.
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