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auralpoison
I got gifts for my two youngest cousins, a mani/pedi gc for my auntie, & who knows what for my grandad.

I feel bad because I am completely blowing off the white people this Xmas. The shit they've pulled on me in the last year still has me hoppin' mad, tis the season to just say fuck 'em. I'm not driving a half an hour to spend two uncomfortable hours with a bunch of deceitful, thieving rednecks.
zoya
I've had homemade gifts in the works for about 6 weeks now.... then I got really busy with work, and haven't been able to really do any work on them, so now I'll be back to where I normally am - scrambling to make them 3 days prior to christmas. whoop.
lilacwine13
The only people I have to worry about for presents are my parents, and I took care of that this fall. I want to buy them a present for both of them, but I can't afford it, and I feel like a jerk because of it.

Culture, the last man I slept with was married too, and he lied about it when I confronted him. To make matters worse, he told our mutual acquaintances he was happily married, with a kid, while banging me (and who knows who else) on the side, then broke things off because he didn't want to get too involved with someone. dry.gif I knew something was off about him, but I made the mistake of not listening to my gut and listened to my hormones instead. I'm still a little mad about it, but I'm hoping karma will kick his ass in the end, even though it would be nice if it was myself, his wife or some other girl he's had on the side who was doing the ass-kicking. All I know is I'm not going to be sleeping with anyone for a very, very long time.
freckleface7
confession: just when I was seriously starting to begin believing that I had faced most of the worst stuff in my regressive-progressive recovery, I find that strange snippet-like deja-vu images.. moments even.. are flickering to mind at their will. and just at the moment I become aware of them.. that 'I've seen this place before' feeling.. they are gone, to the tip of the tounge in my memory & out of reach.
it's so- SO Strange, and nothing like anything I've encountered up to now. like triangular bits of memories caught & captured in stained glass in the shaken snow globe of my mind.

confession: I want to take a gift card I got for fast food to the house of the really just scraping by yard-guy I gave a ride home to right before the mr returned. he lives so marginally.. the kind of person if you saw him walking (he has no car) you'd probably ignore like he was invisible. but he was so kind to me that day.
I just don't remember his name now & don't want the mail person to think it was left for Them if I put it in his mailbox.. and as he has a big fence do not want to run it up to his house either.
I am a socially inept & akward wanna-be do gooder.
doodlebug
confession: I am confused and conflicted. But having a very good time.
stargazer
confession: Christmas is my favorite holiday of the year. I miss having my own apartment right now. I had every room in my old apartment decorated for Christmas. Damn. That was a great apartment. Lots of room for a Chicago Bustie gathering.

confession: After baking today, not only do I want to go on a shopping spree at William Sonoma, but I want my future home to have a double oven in the kitchen.

confession: I'm glad I am open with my emotions that I can let the people in my life know how much they mean to me and not just at the holidays. I'm a sentimental sap I am.
raisingirl
I sang along to reggae-ified Christmas songs for a few hours today and now I'm feeling irie, jah mon, and more in the Christmas spirit. In my blood I may be a Yankee, but in my heart I TOTALLY belong in the tropics.
crazyoldcatlady
confession: i made out with a dude who has a girlfriend. i am not sorry.
culturehandy
COCL, I've been there too. I fucked one of my friends knowing full well that he and his girlfriend were in the process of reconciling. It was some of the best sex I ever had.

I also had a friend take me over to his ex girlfriends place and fuck the shit out of me there, where I left a huge puddle on two couch cushions. I couldn't stand her, so it was my way of saying fuck you.

I am going straight to hell.
auralpoison
Ugh. I've done it, too, unwittingly. Everybody said they'd broken up, he said they'd broken up. I still felt weird about it, so I offered to set her up with a guy I knew she had a crush on & she said she & the BF were still go. I was pissed, but I got over it. Even though the sex was bad, that guy still kisses my feet (literally) & called me last week just to say hi.
culturehandy
It's not as though we are going out to meet married men and to wreck a rleationship. It does take two to tange, and honestly, when someone says they aren't married, or involved with someone you take it at face value.

So, he called and he still says they are divorced, but I did a check on court registry and there is no divorce judgement and the place his business is registered to? Well, it's in a woman's name, they share the same last name. Unless he's living in property whch is registered to his mother or sister...

Whatever, what's done is done.
Persiflager
I am soooo jealous of culturehandy's list.
culturehandy
Perseflage, at first, I was thinking, what in the heck is she talking about? Ohh yaaah!

I spent 6 years in a very unhealthy unfulfiling relationship, including sexually. I've learned that if you want to try something, so long as all involved are consenting adults, you should try it. Life is too short not to. What's the worst that happens? If you are with a partner who is loving and cares, and respects you, you say no or please stop. You don't like it, you aren't scarred, you know it's just not your thing.

Confession: I don't think my list is long enough.
zoya
If I can find a flat where I can live alone when my lease here is up, I'm going to get a cat.


auralpoison
Oh, goodness no, CH. It's not we've been actively seeking to doom other's relationships. It just happens. With dude, one minute we were watching cartoons, the next his hands were up my shirt & we were sucking face. The next I was on my back squeezing his butt cheeks because he wouldn't let me touch his nipples. C'est la vie.

Confession: I was shopping at the local Wallyworld today & a woman stopped me. It was a girl that had been my neighbor/went to HS with's mom. She recognized me by my distinct brow. I had to bite the inside of my cheek not to laugh when she mentioned it because her daughter had what appeared to be a HUGE caterpillar/cromagnon brow when we were kids/HS. Like in Sixteen Candles when they mention that Rudy is a "bohunk", she had an Eastern European heavy brow. I pray that she finally met a good waxer & takes care of that shit. If not, her brow must look like Groucho Marx's moustache by now.
thirtiesgirl
I had a Frieda Kahlo type unibrow when I was a kid, and would still have it now if I hadn't gotten electrolysis done when I was 16. It took nearly a year to get rid of all the hairs with sessions every other week, but it killed most of them off. The ones it didn't are very slight, but I still pluck them on a fairly regular basis. I used to get my brows waxed, but it hurt like hell and my skin is really sensitive, so I couldn't go anywhere for the rest of the day after I'd been waxed. All the skin around my eyebrows would turn completely red and stay that way for a few hours, even after the waxer put aloe lotion on it. Now I just stick to plucking, even though I'm not very skilled at it.

Confession: when I was in junior high, I got so sick of my unibrow that I decided to shave it off over my nose. This was before I knew anything about plucking, aside from the fact that my mother probably would have tanned my hide if I had. She went ballistic over lipgloss, so I knew plucking was out. To get rid of the hairs, I used a straight razor, the kind you use when shaving your legs, and obviously had very little control over how much hair got shaved off. I also decided that I didn't like the bushy ends of my eyebrows, so I shaved those off, too. I ended up with two perfectly rectangular patches of hair over my eyes, like two Hitler mustaches. It was absolutely awful and it seemed like it took an eternity for them to grow back in.
auralpoison
This was *not* a Frida Kahlo situation. Frida's uni was sexy. This was like Abe Vigoda all over her brow.

To clarify, I have great classic, full brows. Marilyn Monroe brows with little maintenance. It's just that my left eyebrow grows up part way through which gives me a constantly rakish countenance. Even when sad, there is a sense of asymmetrical whimsy to my face. I LOOK like I'm looking for trouble.

In junior high there was a smart mouth guy that talked a LOT of shit to the wrong guy. After the guy beat smarty's ass, he shaved off his eyebrows as a reminder not to be fucking with anybody's mess that he couldn't handle. Thankfully for the guy he was a pretenda-vato so he wore a bandana to cover it up. For MONTHS.
doodlebug
confession: One of my co-workers is a local girl - born raised and probably to be buried here - very sheltered, very unworldly, and very naive for her considerable age, and I wish she would shut the fuck up and let me work.

confession: I am still confused and conflicted and very probably in love with two different men. And now they've both started playing stupid manly territorial games. Over me. I'm flummoxed. In addition to confused and conflicted.

confession: As much as I do care for and love soulman, if the anarchist would just declare himself instead of playing all these stupid manly territorial games, I would be willing to figure out a way to (delicately, kindly, gracefully) jump ship.
culturehandy
Confession: I have lied, stolen money and other things, and cheated. I can be very manipulative. I am a bad person.

I am now in the process of playing manipulative mind games with the married man. I'm acting all innocent and shit, but I have every intention of fucking this man over five ways from Sunday. Thing is, when I styart to get into it, I get bored. I have the attention span of a fungus gnat and my motivation is about the same.
Persiflager
Thanks culturehandy! I'm all for the principle, but it doesn't seem to work out that way - every time I've been single for a while and have felt happy, confident and itching for some casual fun, I've met someone I really liked and ended up in a relationship. I feel guilty about the current one because it's going incredibly well and it looks like we might have a serious future together, but there's a little part of my brain thinking 'darn it, there goes my chance of finally having that wild one-night stand I've always dreamed about'. Maybe I should ask him to role-play.....

Confession: I've just made a batch of peppermint creams, called it 'baking' and eaten half of them. Would have made more sense just to eat the bag of icing sugar rolleyes.gif
culturehandy
I think you should try it, he may feel the same way, but doesn't know how to bring it up. There is so much you can try!

I've never had a one night stand, I've fucked people once, whom I knew. I've almost done it, but haven't been able to bring myself to it. I'm jealous of those who have had one night stands.

Confession: I don't know what peppermint creams are. *scrambles off to google*
auralpoison
I've never done a one nighter with a stranger, either. I think it's because I had a gf early on that kept spare contacts/toothbrush & clean clothes at my downtown apt & needed them at least once a week. The walk of shame & always with a different guy never to be seen again.

I *almost* did it not too long ago. I got him back to my place, things were going swimmingly, when suddenly my brain kicked in, "You don't do this. You don't. So knock it off already!" I sent him on his merry way.
Persiflager
2 egg whites whipped to a froth, about a 1lb of icing sugar sieved in, and a few drops of peppermint essence. I've made them at Christmas ever since I was little; the recipe is from a recipe book of my mum's about old-fashioned sweets. I plan to try orange and lemon creams after Christmas (if I can still bear to look at sugar then!).

Confession: I 'worked from home' today, but spent most of the day watching Buffy. Hurrah, it's practically Christmas and I don't feel guilty at all! Stuff work!
culturehandy
AP, me too. Almost been there. But the risks...I just can't get over the risks. I suppose if the worst thing you could get was the clap, then I'd be down with that. But in this day and age.

That's not to say that I haven't done stupid shit in my life, like I said, the last 18-24 months have been a bit of a party. And when I fell off the abstitnence wagon, did I ever fall off.

Mmm, I'm so going to have to try the peppermint thingys.
raisingirl
How about some technological confessions because I'm part Luddite...

I don't know what a Wii looks like or what it really does or why it's so popular.

I think Twitter is a big ol' cyber circle jerk and I also don't understand why this is popular.

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. Whatever the next Facebook will be, I don't think I'll be signing up for it. But then again, that's what I said about MySpace and Facebook before I signed up for them.

I haven't owned a cell phone for years & years and I'm thinking of getting one in '09 just for the benefit of long-distance calls I don't/can't make on my regular phone.

I like not having caller ID because I like to be surprised when I pick up the phone.

If I ever have a baby, I wouldn't want to know its sex ahead of time. Again for the surprise factor.

I think an unplugged existence (meaning unplugged from the internet and email outside of work) would make me REALLY happy, but I'm too chickenshit to do it. Like I think I'm gonna MISS SOMETHING HAPPENING or whatever the fuck. Maybe I should try it for a month and then re-evaluate.

I like the idea of the "netbooks" that are out there, the really small notebook computers that have limited capabilities but are really cheap. I think I am attracted to them because of their size. I'd want one just so I could have the option of shoving it on the top shelf of a closet if I wanted to and wouldn't feel so guilty about ignoring it.
thirtiesgirl
Confession: I don't know what Twitter is. I is old.
auralpoison
I do not Twitter. I do not Facebook. Hell, I didn't even set up my own Myspace page & I slack like hell over there.

Um, the Wii is fun, but I've only done it once.

I gave up my cellie a year ago & don't miss it. I realized it ran my life. Just tonight at dinner, my two cousins & their friend were texting like mad. Meh.

I do love my caller ID, though.

I HATE CHRISTMAS MUSIC.

I think getting a mani/pedi is better than therapy.

I am enjoying a good whisky with two cubes of ice in it. Sacrilege, I know, I just like it that way.
girltrouble
*delurks*
QUOTE
I also had a friend take me over to his ex girlfriends place and fuck the shit out of me there, where I left a huge puddle on two couch cushions. I couldn't stand her, so it was my way of saying fuck you.

I am going straight to hell.

*whispers*
this is exactly why i adore you, ch. you are sooo the debbil woman on my shoulder telling me to do evol things wink.gif




ps-- i don't facebook or im. i have a myspace, but hate it. and i hate phones, not to mention cellys, i was the last to get one, and the first to get rid of it.

and i only have a landline, and i like it that way (who is gonna be able to call anywhere i f'ing please when there is a black out? me! that's who!)

i don't have long distance or caller id, and i hate calling anyone but the person i'm dating.

i hate phones.

i'm not adverse to twittering, if only to constantly update the brutal and ultra violent ways i'd love to off the cast (aka family) that stars in the show jon and kate plus 8. i hate them all, and suffocating them all in an elephant's anus would be the highlight of my week.

most of the time i love the fact that i don't touch a computer for the 8 hours i'm at work. i love telling people i can't check email during the day for the perplexed look i get from them.

i do miss not being able to get in on some stuff here tho. :/

i hate working. i do. i'd much rather be painting and drawing all day. work-- any work-- makes me neurotic, and i am pretty confident that i suck at everything.

if i had the money, i'd get a wii, a 360 and a ps3, just so i could play the shit out of them when i get a new game/am unemployed, and ignore them the rest of the time...(just like my ps2....

part of me wishes that the roof of my apartment would cave in when i was at work and destroy everything i own so i could move and not have to love all of the stuff i've spent more than a decade collecting.


vixen_within
Oh my god. This is the juiciest thread in all the land. Confessions to follow soon.
crazyoldcatlady
QUOTE
QUOTE
I also had a friend take me over to his ex girlfriends place and fuck the shit out of me there, where I left a huge puddle on two couch cushions. I couldn't stand her, so it was my way of saying fuck you.

I am going straight to hell.


QUOTE
*whispers*
this is exactly why i adore you, ch. you are sooo the debbil woman on my shoulder telling me to do evol things wink.gif
ps-- i don't facebook or im. i have a myspace, but hate it. and i hate phones, not to mention cellys, i was the last to get one, and the first to get rid of it.


LOL on both parts!

twitter sucks, facebook sucks, i want to get rid of my myspace, i miss people not using AIM, the iphone has been the death of me, i have a numder of specific websites i must hit every day to prevent gettin' "the shakes", i love caller ID because if i don't know you, i don't want to talk to you, a wii is only fun b/c you can play old school nintendo supermario bros 1-3, whiskey is amazing (AP, may i suggest Knob Creek?), i'm glad raisingirl's back!, and i'm still playing with the taken boy like a cat batting around a half-dead mouse. whatever. that mouse totally found my paws, not the other way around.
treehugger
Confession: I typed out a whole juicy confession and then deleted it because I lost my nerve to actually post it.
culturehandy
Awww GT! wub.gif

Tree, write the confession!!!!

What's even worse about the ex girlfriend sex house, it was the first time he and I had sex in over a year and it was some of the best sex we ever had, even he said it was like stars aligned that night. Yah.

I also don't know what the hell twitter is.

I'm enjoying reading the abbreviated list in LTAS. I still wish there was more on my list. I'm sure there will be, the chances of meeting anyone that I'll settle down with anytime soon is slim to none. And I'm okay with that. In fact, I'm not even putting myself out there. I could care less.

I love my crackberry, I used to hate them, but hearts me my crackberry. In my defense, I do a lot of highway driving out to my dads, there is no way I'll be stuck without a celly. But I do turn it off a lot now.

I am on crackbook, but I don't get it. It's nothing more than a contest to see who has the most "friends' seriously, I want to know who is really friends with over 1000 people. Seriously, do you talk to these people all the time. Would you confide in them? Do you hang out with them regularly? If no, then you aren't fucking friends! I have almost 300 people on the my "friends" list, I don't hang out with all of them. I'm not close with many of them. And there are only a handful I really consider friends.

I also don't get IM, but I like texting. I remember when texting first came out, I was in univeristy.

I don't do video games because I KNOW I would get addicted to them.

I've been the village bicycle lately...you know, everyone's had a ride. And I must admit, I feel pretty fantastic about it.

The 40 year old broke my heart, I was devastated. I can't get over it. I think I'm wrong about it.

AP, I'm absolutely with you on hating xmas music, I worked in retail for 3 christmases and when you have to listen to that shit from November to December, the same thing on satellite radio and whatnot, it makes you fucking MENTAL! There is only so many time you can listen to Babs sing jingle bells on fucking CRACK!

Oh god, there is one that I just can't say or put here. I am playing with a married man. He is the 45 year old. I will be a tape worm in my next life for the things I've done.

There is one more. I can be a horribly manipulative mind fucking BITCH. I will do this if someone has wronged me. Generally I feel that revenge is a dish best served up cold and karma is a bitch, but sometimes I just can't help myself.

I'mreading back on the confessions, all 171 pages of it.

I think wihtout my looks, I'm nothing.

I think I'm hot, and I'm very vain.
girltrouble
there is so much more to you than your looks, ch. trust me. you just don't give it much thought.

i got an email from daddy/mr.t. she wants to give me a xmas present. i know she wants me back, and i get mad when she tells me she misses me, but i tell her i miss her every time we communicate.

personally, i've never thought badly of women dating married men, after all, they weren't the ones who made the commitment. having been a guy who cheats, i do think poorly of guys who are married who cheat. i do kind of think badly when women date married guys for years. then it's just silly. you know you're being lied to, too. i think there should be some sort of year limit.

mr.t told me that one of her grandkids, who is 3, put on one of my old wigs i left at her place, and promptly announced that he wants to grow up to be a girl. i was jealous, and insouciant. jealous cos if hir sense of identity holds, ze will probably have a much easier time with being trans than i ever did. insouciant, because all the same, i still like hir older brother better. with kids and animals, i gravitate towards the one that is getting the least attention and treat them like they are the golden one. he's had a terrible time, and i will always think he is pretty amazing.

the idea of escorting is sounding really good again....
raisingirl
Yesterday I learned that a Wii is like a Nintendo or it IS a Nintendo or it's made by Nintendo. What the fuck do I know. Don't ask me how it differs from Rock Band (or is it Rock Star??) or Sega or Playstations. I'll call them all video games until the day I die anyway. I used to play Pong when I was a kid. I don't know jack shit. I think I'm just out of the demographic that these things are popular with.

Culture, the people I know with close to 1000 friends on FB are the kids in high school -- it seems like they all friend each other (or most of them, there are still cliques) with little regard for how well they do or don't know someone. I can't believe I used friend as a verb and didn't spontaneously vomit, ha!

Catlady, I'm glad you're glad I'm back! wink.gif

I confess I'm too chicken to put up a real confession tonight.
treehugger
confession: I blame making out with the plumber on being drunk, but I really think that if I had been sober, I would've gone much farther. The plumber would've likely seen my other piercing. I was just drunk enough that the saferide cab was coming and I didn't register that I could delay it.

Juicier confession: The plumber is a woman.

Even juicier confession: we were in the hallway outside of the very busy tavern where the christmas party was happening, and I think we may have been caught. I remember somebody walking through. I don't know if they realized what we were doing.

Confession: we were in a really rednecked blue collar bar.

Confession: it is a bar that Bear and I go to frequently and the regulars know both of us well. So I am terrified that this will get back to him.

Confession: She REALLY turned me on the way her voice got deep and husky when she found my piercing.

Confession: Bear is way not cool with anything like this.
culturehandy
GT, you are so wonderful, your comment made me feel better. It's when I'm feeling weak that I feel that way. I heart you GT.

As for the 45 year old, we will never date, this is about getting off. I can't even believe I'm doing this! What am I doing? CH, give your head a fucking shake.

Raisin, I totally hear you about the friend thing, and I too am super happy your are back. I'm also glad GT is back!

tree, that confession is the best.thing.ever.

This holiday season is going to be the one to purge myself!

I feel closer to busties then I do some friends IRL. I must say that busties are the most fantastical bunch of people and I know that no matter what I write here, I won't be judged. I know how we support each other and help each other through good times and bad.

girltrouble
um tree, i certainly don't want to egg you on, i know how much bear means to you, but, uh, i'm with ch, that confession was teh serious hotness-- even before your confession, just the way you eluded to it... well, it had a certain smolder to it....

my mom sent me a xmas card talking about how she was looking forward to seeing me this year....adressed to "carlos."
,
confession: i like my mom NOT being in my life about as much, if not more, than i liked her being in my life when we were at our closest. i've felt more free in the last year since i wrote her off than i've ever felt.
doodlebug
confession: oh god, I'm in over my head with these two men. What am I doing? What have I done already?
treehugger
heh...what's even juicier is that on New Years Day I always throw a big party, my "hair of the dog" party...bloody marys, hangover food, the rose bowl, etc. Bear is always there. The plumber will also be there. As will a bunch of other guys from work. Ooof. smile.gif
girltrouble
tree, uh.....O.o

*brainsis isplode*



doodle: i dunno, the lady i see in those pix? the one rockin' out with her gee-tar? she seems badass enough to do what she likes. somehow i think you can handle this....you've got spunk wink.gif
freckleface7
this will not rock anyone's world, but : I heart everyone here. I really, Really do. wub.gif

confession: I am torturing frecklette (who's "only in it for the presents" ) & not letting her go downstairs yet until 7:00AM. we have a rule. the mr & I get to be down there first so we can get the camera ready & stuff, even tho she wised up to the whole santa cover up at around 11 or or so.

I hope the long skinny box under the tree for me isn't indeed a semi-automatic weapon in a case as I've been guessing, but actually a folding easle.

merry peaceful today everyone, you're all in my hearts, esp YOU GT. wish you were here, I'm makin' turkey & greens.
zoya
confession - for the first time ever, I wish I was younger than I am. Even just 5 years.

confession - I'm not even remotely interested in men my age. but I wonder if the guys that I know who are younger than me just look at me as the cool older chick, not someone they'd ever be interested in for any long term thing, or even to date.

confession - I feel like I'm going to be alone forever, and I don't understand why. I'm an amazing person, and I know people know it. I just don't see why no one seems to want me and all the great stuff that comes along with me, for their very own.
culturehandy
zoya, I feel the same way sometimes. ((((zoya))))

Confession: I downloaded Milkshak by Kelis today. I find it to be so irritating yet catchy. I also have pass the dutchie by musical youth. I shit you not.
girltrouble
confession: i could have had xmas dinner with a bunch of other orphans today, but i really wanted to be on my own. it's the first time in years the holiday was mine. and i wanted that.

culture, no shame in pass the dutchie. i think i have that and the double dutch bus on lp.


milkshake i can't help you with...lol


zoya, i think the thing is that at that age, most guys are really starting to figure things out-- most of them aren't interested in the long term thing with anyone. no matter how fantastic you are-- and i think if we too a vote around here it'd be unanimous that you're phenomenal-- that's just not where their head is at. i think you make a mistake when you think it's about you. i think it's about age, but theirs, not yours. even if you were younger, they are still not at that ltr place. i think that's kind of how i view the being alone thing. (((((((zoya)))))))) it's sooo not you, chickie.




lilacwine13
Zoya, I've been wishing I could redo the last five years myself, or at least start my career then, and thanks to culture, I now have "Milkshake" in my head.


Confession: I still have feelings for a guy I had a crush on this summer.

He isn't interested in me as a girl, but as a friend. Also, it wouldn't work out between us, he lives in another state, but I still like him.

I just told AZ Guy I'd give him another chance because I still love him. He thinks I'm the greatest thing ever, we complement each other perfectly, but there is something missing from the chemistry between us this time, or at least I'm not feeling it.

I wish I could transfer the feelings from one guy to another and feel really confused, pissy and crummy over the whole thing.

And no, AZ Guy has no idea about the other guy.
culturehandy
I actually like it when men are chivalrous.
thirtiesgirl
I like chivalry, too, but I DON'T like it when men take it to extremes - e.g., "I need to sit facing the door when we're out to dinner so I can see any potential danger that approaches you," or "I need to walk on the outside when we're walking next to each other down the street, so that I can avert any danger that may be approaching from the street." Please. Yet ask him to carry the goddamn ultra-heavy vibrating saddle sex toy thing up the stairs to my apartment? Oh, hell no.

...Oooer, tmi? *blush*

Confession: I'm finding it really hard to feel any love for my mother this holiday season, and I'm not talking about the freakin' Earth.
culturehandy
Oh heaven's no, nothing like that.

For example, I had one man hold out his hand so I would fall flat on my ass in snow. That was sweet.

Thirties, what's the dealyo with your mother? I wouldn't feel so bad, my mother feels the same about her mother.
thirtiesgirl
My mom is really old and not in good health. She gets worse every time I see her, and she refuses to take some of the pain medication prescribed by her doctors because she's afraid of the side effects. She also has borderline personality disorder, which she's had all my life. She refuses to acknowledge it, though, and has never gotten help for it. She is a very controlling, narcissistic person who still clings tightly to her bigotry, racism and mistrust of so many people. I often describe her as a combination of tv parents Marie Barone, the mother on Everybody Loves Raymond, and Cotton Hill, Hank Hill's father on King of the Hill.

As an example of her behavior, on this visit home, my mom was discussing the potential changes to her will, which she changes every few years, based on how she's feeling about certain family members at the time. She owns her house in the town where I grew up, where my younger bro still lives. Unlike me, younger bro is not college educated, works hard as a print shop operator and part-time security guard, and has a few DUIs on his record. In my mom's eyes, he's almost a failure, and she doesn't trust his motives. I believe he should get the house in the will, since he wants to stay in our hometown and I don't. He's been struggling to make it there for so long, and it's not a cheap place to live. Getting the house would be a real vote of confidence for him, especially from my mom, since I know he deeply feels her mistrust and it's a large part of the reason for his issues with alcohol. I think it would help stablize him if he got the house.

POINT being, when she brought up the will discussion again on Wednesday, I voiced my opinion that I believed my bro should get the house, as I've done before. And as she's done before, my mom instantly negated it, saying "he's only ever been out for money, and I wouldn't want him to bring all his Mexican friends over here to destroy our property." (In my mother's eyes, anyone Latino is automatically 'Mexican.' It's a discussion we've had many times, but her personality disorder keeps her from seeing that anyone else might have a valid opinion.)

This is just one example of the many ways that my mom is not a lovable person, and I struggle with it every day, knowing that she's also facing the scariest human challenge, dealing with impending serious health issues and death. I want to be a better daughter to her, but she really makes it hard.
auralpoison
Dang. You gots a Sybian, TG? How much does that weigh?
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