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sexytrexy
I'm gonna come right out and say it, then explain...
My boyfriend called me fat today.
We've been together for over a year, and are about to get our first apartment together. Back in December, I quit smoking, and he warned me from the beginning that I might gain some weight, get depressed or stressed out, and that he would be suportive and understanding. In the last few months, I've really been noticing the weight I've put on. It is especially painful because it was SOOO hard to quit smoking. But when I go from a size 8-10 to a size 12-14 in like five months, it makes it much worse because now I have to buy new pants and it's kind of a slap in the face. So I decided to start to try running. I also got a bike that my boyfriend promised to fix (though he has yet to get around to it!). The running part didn't work out for me so well, and I started bugging my boyfriend to fix the bike for me. That's the point I was at when he brought up the topic. Here's how it went:
him: "Honey, we need to talk about something, and you're not going to like it."
me: "Okay, what's up?"
him: "It's about the weight you've gained. You know how much I try to stay in shape, because my parents are so out of shape. I don't want you to start looking like your mom. Don't worry, I'll help you, I'll eat whatever you need to eat to get in shape, but I need this to change. Or, at least, I need you to try."
me (almost in tears): "but...you...the bike in the shed...I just quit smoking..."
him: "I'll fix the bike for you this week, I promise. But you haven't been addicted to cigarettes for months now, and I feel I've waited until a time when nothing much is going on in your life to tell you about this."
I, not being good with confrontations at all, didn't say a word. All I could do was cry. But here's what I was thinking:
-You're not going to fix my bike.
-I've been fucking trying to do things that get me moving, like walking instead of taking bus.
-Don't you know you're the only person who sees me naked? Can't you be a little more sensitive?
-I don't care how long ago I quit, it's still hard every day.
-Stop touching me and trying to make yourself feel better.
-You mean, waited until a time when I'm trying to move, help my friend sell her house, helping you organize a garage sale, finding you a fucking apartment with 'I don't care, it's up to you' as my only feedback, and starting school summer quarter? No, not a damn thing going on with me right now!
-YOU THINK I HAVEN'T NOTICED I'VE GAINED WEIGHT? Even though I've brought it up to you in the past and asked for help?
Now, thanks to our discussion in the morning before I had run any of my errands (hello, puffy face), I've been crying at the drop of a hat. I cried when every one of his three housemates asked if I was alright. I cried when a sappy love song came on. I feel the opposite of sexy. Most of all, I'm upset that he found a button and pushed it. I feel like he wasn't offering help, he was offering an ultimadem (sp?).
Am I being to too sensitive?
And does anyone have any good dieting tips?
Maybe I'm just pissed because he's right.
lucizoe
well, personally, to borrow a dan savage phrase, I would DTMFA

that aside, we try really really hard not to start new threads, especially when your question/problem can fit in any number of threads. Try reposting in the General Relationship Advice thread or in Our Bodies/Our Hells...

That said, size 12-14 isn't fat and he sounds like a controlling asshole.
girlygirlgag
Yeah, that is so shitty. When you quit smoking you have to battle it everyday, it is like and Alcoholic quitting Alcohol, you are addicted to it. ALWAYS. It just gets a little easier after a LONG TIME, like ten years. Also, your metabolism is so out of whack right now from Nicotine withdrawal.

What a jerk. I would totally cry.
katiebelle2882
that is obnoxious. although, that is a pretty big jump in your size in only 5 months. he could be worried about it bc i know alot of people who have quit smoking and not gained that much that fast.

nevertheless, hes pointing out something that he HAS to know you are insecure about. so even if he is trying to help you, hes going about it in the absolute worst way possible. also, luci is right, 12-14 isnt fat. i gained alot of weight over a period of time when i was with my ex and once in awhile he would say stuff but i knew he still loved me. (he also gained weight so he couldnt say too much). he would also drag me to the gym and we would do things together to help eachother. maybe he doesnt know how to go about it, or maybe hes just an asshole. who knows. either way, you need to talk to him about it and if it so happens he is just an asshole, dump the bastard.
kitty8499
Men can be such pigs.I guess they think we are incapable of looking at ourselves in the mirror and realizing we've put on a few pounds.I know exactly what I would of said.After he pointed out my weight I would of quickly let him know how small and insignificant his dick was.But i'm mean and spiteful heehee.I don't know how old you are or how your metabolism rate is but try going on sugar busters.You can find a copy of the diet in most book stores.Its kinda a low carb diet but not as extreme in the fact you can have fruits,and bread in moderation as long as its whole wheat and brown rice.Its pretty healthy too.My cousin lost alot of weight on that diet and said it didn't really even feel like she was dieting.The other good thing is she's kept it off pretty effortlessly.Good luck
sexytrexy
I think he was just worried about what I've said about weight in the past, how I've always strugged with it, and most specifically how he knows I never want to be my mother. So, In retrospect, I decided to give him another shot. I'm sure he knew that I had been crying all day. As far as size is concerned, I think that my being a 12 and only 5'3'' is a bit much. Especially since I put on that weigt in such a short amount of time.
Thanks for the sugarbusters advice, kitty. I'll definately check that out.
And sorry about the new thread, lucizoe.
celimene
This is SUCH a difficult topic! I think the way he approached it is awful and I totally understood why it made you feel awful; HOWEVER, is there any polite way to tell a partner that their weight gain is worrying you or putting you off? I only way this because it has happened to me personally with an ex of mine and I didn't know how to handle it. I'm a small person myself - petite framed and 5'4". I am lucky in that I don't think I will ever be heavy, thanks to genetics, but I do work very very hard to stay fit, more by going to the gym frequently, than by actually watching what I eat (I have a bit of a sweet tooth). So when my ex gained 40 pounds over a period of a couple of years, it was not only that it made me feel less attracted to him, but that it was actually uncomfortable for me when we had sex. There was no way to actually tell him this without horribly hurting his feelings, so I didn't come out right and say it, but I knew he felt it and was aware of it in other ways. Like whenever he would pick up a regular Coke, I would say how he should try and cut out soft drinks and just buy bottled water, etc. I started to feel bitter that while I make a conscious effort to look good for him (going to the gym 3-5 times a week), he wasn't interested in reciprocating. Even if he didn't like going to the gym, there were things he liked doing that had quick results that he just wouldn't stick to (there was a period of time where he hiked up and down a canyon every day for a month and lost 20 pounds!). There were also small things he could have done that he never would (like not eating dessert, not drinking soda, etc.) that he never seemed willing to do. We eventually broke up, for more reasons than just the weight, but it was definitely a big factor (and in the end it caused him to snore so loud I could never sleep with him). My point is not to make you feel bad in any way, but just to offer you some insight into what may have caused this outburst from your loved one and where he might be coming from. I don't think this means he doesn't love you or respect you, but maybe rather than getting upset about it, you should evaluate whether you really want to make a change and lose the weight or whether you would rather be with somebody who accepts you the way you are and move on.
venetia
Sexytrexy, what bothers me about this is that it's clear from his tone that he isn't saying it because he is trying to support your goals or your physical health.

The way he puts it, it's all about him and what he requires of a partner - kind of like if you were a car or a house or something. That kind of worries me.

I think you need to keep your own goals separate from your bf's. I mean, don't make him be the reason why you want to lose weight, and don't ask him to help or take responsibility for it. Is there anyone else who will fix the bike for you?
cstars124
i don't think there's any excuse for it. Personally, I would have dumped his ass right there. If he knows you're insecure about shit like that, he shouldn't say anything, ESP if you were starting to make a conscious effort to change it because you were unhappy. Even if he didn't realize you were insecure about it, he STILL shouldn't have said anything. I'm sorry, but he sounds like an ass to me.

I'm 5'4 and once upon a time I was a size 12 and I never ever thought of myself as fat. Bigger than most, maybe...but never fat and god help the guy who ever said I was...
pollystyrene
I second lucizoe- DTMFA!
moma
hey sexy, i read your post, and haven't read many of the responses but i think your boyfriend was legit, and i think he tried to do it sensitively. i know its obviously the LAST thing in the world you wanted to hear, but then when i was reading your responses to what he said (what was going on in your head) they were sounding pretty defensive. he wasn't trying to hurt you, and i think he wants to support you, and he legitimately wants you to feel good about yourself, and he wants you both to live healthy lifestyles. i think thats fair. i think he fears that if he doesn't say anything, you're going to keep making excuses, and suddenly become really unhappy about yourself. i think you have every right to be mad at first, but once the sting is gone, think of the positive side...he totally wants to help you, and help you do something GOOD for both of you.

i hope that you see my advice as trying to be helpful, and supportive. its hard to lose weight, its hard to push yourself, but the payback is sooo rewarding. you will feel better about yourself, and you will suddenly find inner strength and motivation to do new things, at least thats what i've found. i recently started going to the gym again ( the gym i SWEAR by is curves..look into it! ) its the most amazing gym, its great for support, and it WORKS. you do'nt have to think about it. you go there, and the workout is set up for you, no confusion about machines, weights, whatever. its all figured out already. i lost about 20 pounds there the last time i went, and i only went for 4 months. so check it out. since i joined again 2 weeks ago, i feel empowered, i wake up and go, and i'm productive all week long.

my 2 cents. i hope something helped. don't beat him up over it. relationships are about honesty and trust. you know he loves you, he just wanted to help, and be honest. if he decided to grow a mullet, you'd tell him sooner or later that you didn't like it.
lucizoe
(Curves is owned by an anti-choice Evangelical Christian man, just so's ya know)
girlygirlgag
Right on luci, screw Curves.

Lose weight for yourself, get rid of that MF who says he wants to help you, but does not do what he says he is going to do and thinks support is calling you fat.

Screw him.

whenever I complain about my body the Mr. joins me about his, then gives me comlpiments on my working out lately and how he can tell I am shaping up and is glad I feel better, but he loved me just as much as before. He is also always down for a hike, a random yoga class, eating healthier etc.

I think the supportive way without insulting a person is finding activities you can do together, and then going for some low fat Sushi or something for dinner.
girlygirlgag
Does anyone else ever feel so lazy, they don't feel like editing their double post?
skandelouslala
Wow my heart broke for you while reading this. I hope you are doing okay. I can't believe he even had the nerve to say something. And like the other mentioned...it was clearly a self centered issue instead of him being genuinely concerned about your well being. If you want to lose weight, do it for YOU....screw him.
p_176
i'm sorry this guy said this to you. there ARE more subtle ways to talk to your SO about issues like this.
i'm in the process of losing some weight gained in the past 2 years (there's always food in my office), and my bf needs to lose weight also (he's got the gut going on)...he so far has not done anything except cut back on snacks - he's not exercising or whatever else. i'm trying to get back into my former exercise rhythm. what he does not seem to understand is that it's hard to live with someone, and only one person is trying to be healthy. so, i second (third??) the other ladies on here who say, do it for yourself, and tune out what he is (or is not) doing.
good luck
katiebelle2882
whatever, i think that if someone here complained about their boyfriend being fat we would tell her its ok not to be attracted to someone who gained alot of weight and how to tell him nicely. i think we do alot of double standards when it comes to advice.
bottomline is, he could have done it in a better way, but i dont think hes an asshole. if he refuses to be supportive at all, then yes, i do think hes an asshole, but he might end up helping you out. i think sometimes men just say things outright, while women beat around the bush. he probably said it in the same way that he would say it to a guy friend. that doesnt make it right, however, sometimes it is better to just be upfront.
stillveryangry
so is someone gonna give this girl the verbal ass whippin she deserves or do I have to? coz I don't mind:D
katiebelle2882
um still

the whole point of this place is for people to have dissenting opinions. sorry we disagree, if you are that insecure in your opinion well, thats not my problem. it's not like "I" called the girl fat, bc frankly i dont think she is from what she described. i was debating whether or not her boyfriend is genuinely an asshole, or maybe just tactless. my vote is tactless, in no way do you have to agree. honestly, verbal ass whooping? how old are you anyway?
lucizoe
I don't think it's necessary to bring anyone's age into a debate, nor to threaten some sort of verbal beating. This is what cheeses me off about the internet. Would people speak to complete strangers like this? Do people act like that? Sheesh.

Anywho, I agree that there is a double standard there and that he was a tactless asshole. I think the issue with the OP was that she was already aware that she had gotten a bit out of shape due to quitting smoking recently, she was taking steps to change that because she was unhappy with herself, and then her boyfriend started harping on her. After they had already discussed the problem, he brought it up again in a manner which suggested she didn't know what she was doing, hadn't thought about it, and frankly, came across to me as really condescending. I'm sticking with DTMFA.

Additionally, it's possible that the OP's actual ideal body weight and type actually is larger than her smoking weight. We all knew (or were) girls who smoked in high school to stay skinny and women who continue to do so now. Healthy lifestyle changes do not necessarily result in losing clothing sizes.

Sometimes people just need some support and advice, not arguments about the validity of their feelings.
pow
Let's leave the Dr Laura schtick to that harpy eh, Katiebelle?
quietmadness
Yeah, neat thread!

My Old Man and I have been married for 20 years, plus 2 years before that when we were dating/engaged.

When I met him/married I was a size 12. Over the years, I've gained & lost & gained my way up to a size 3x. I'm 5'2".

And, now, sometimes he'll make a comment about my size/weight--but not overtly a "sit down" type conversation. I know I'm fat as hell. He knows I'm fat as hell.

But he's also man enough to handle it.<<---(If that sentence doesn't speak to you, stay with him and keep putting up with his hang-ups!)
bonchicfeministe
Hi Everyone. I'm having a very similar problem to that of the OP, and though I think I know what to do, I also need objective opinions...very upset over here!

My boyfriend is OBSESSIVE about working out/eating correctly. He has major body dysmorphic issues with not only himself, but others as well. In his mind, no one is ever in good enough shape, eating well enough, or looks the best they can. For instance, he doesn't understand that people naturally come in different shapes and sizes--he thinks that everyone can look a certain way. He doesn't get that people have different genetics, and even if they are working out a lot and eating correctly, some people are going to be curvier, etc. He freely admits that he will always think he could be doing more, no matter how fantastic he looks, or how good of shape he is in. He knows it is unhealthy, and gets really upest when I point out how distorted his view of others is. He know she needs to get help, but hans't done anything about it (so typical for him and I guess a lot of other guys too).

So last night, it came out that he thinks I have poor posture (due to the scoliosis I have) and that it is making my stomach look "pudgy" (even though I was just modeling at a fashion shoot earlier in the day and am 5'8" and a very toned 130 pounds). He also is afraid that I will end up lookiing lke "some old mom" in the future, because apparently the 4 times a week I work out is not enough. I am blessed with a high metabolism, and though I eat extremely well and do plenty of exercise for health reasons, I also have no problems eating pizza, icecream, etc in moderation if I feel like. To him, this is unacceptable. A similar thing happened last summer, and I was so traumatized by it that I developed a mild eating disorder (so unlike me, I'm a total chow hound!) and my weight dropped to a very dangerous 120. I had to go on anti depressents to get myself straightened out. You can see how crazy he is about this, because to the rest of th world, I have (to be conceited for a moment) and incredible body. Eveeryone always tells me how amazing i look, how healthy and in shape. If I'm not good enough, who is? he even critiques fitness and super models.

He apologized for what he said, and says he knows he is being controlling. He knows he needs help. He said he didn't even mean what he said, and he thinks it comes more from his issues of feeling bad for having eaten pizza earlier and was taking it ou ton me.
I feel like I"m with someone with a "healthy" eating disorder, if that makes any sense. He's obsessed with eating, in the same way that those with anorexia and bulimia are.

Though I think it is incredibly important to be very concsientious about what goes in your mouth and how much activity you get, I also think that there is balance between keeping healthy and being psychotic. Too much of a good thing, and all that...

I am very worried about his mentality, and am looking for advice on what to do for him about this issue, suchc as therapists, etc. I'm also looking for advice on whether or not to break up with him...I don't htink I can deal with this, and I realy don't want his issues affecting how I feel about myself again.

Advice/suggestions appreciated...sorry for the long post.
missjuliet
SexyTrexy - You poor thing. Do YOU feel as if your overweight? Or are you ok with the extra weight? I ask this with the hope that you can even answer without your bf's words running through your mind.

If you're happy with the way you are then don't listen to him. What he said was terrible. He could have just helped you by fixing the bike; there was no need to state his opinion on this touchy situation. Especially if he knews you had been trying.

You aren't fat at all. I used to be a size 12 and it just makes you a little curvier then the rest wink.gif

My ex told me one day that his father was questioning him about his weight (he had lost about 15 pounds and was looking like a twig) and stated "you're girlfriend is the one that needs to lose the weight." He would never had told me what his father said unless he had some other motive behind it.

So I dumped him.

And found I guy that loves curves. If you're comfortable with the way you are then I suggest you do the same dear.

Fuck him.

<3
katiebelle2882
considering that the average woman in america is a size 14, it makes you as curvy as everyone else!:)


bonchi-your BF needs some help. i mean, personally, i couldnt be with such a controlling asshole, and it may be something that will never change about him, but it sounds as though he needs some serious anti anxiety/anti depression medication. in the mean time, i hope your self esteem isnt totally shot bc of him. what a jerk.
maddy29
It's interesting the idea of a "healty" eating disorder. I really think so many people have this type of disorder. It's like taking healthy eating and exercising to an extreme. No, he's not starving himself (exactly) and he's not making himself puke, but it's still very disordered. I think in the last ten years or so, this type of disordered eating has become very common.

My roommate was like that-and part of it is always the judgment of other people. She would comment on my food, etc. She was completely obsessed by it, counting calories, etc.

Your man definitley needs to seek treatment. If eating pizza makes him freak out like that, that is a problem!

Possibly you could take a break from him while he's starting treatment?
dusty
I think that if his disorder is having an impact on his relationships, then he should be seeing a therapist. If it were an 'unhealthy' habit, like drinking, it would be a no-brainer to suggest he get help if it were causing him to hurt the people around him.
bonchicfeministe
Thanks for the input so far girls. I am definately considering taking a break, but honestly I"m just really worried about him. I'm not sure how I feel about ditcihng someone when they're having an issue, although I do realize this could really affect me, as he is projecting his issues onto moi. However, given the fact hat I seriously think he is a lunatic for thinking that about himself, me, and Heidi Klum, I doubt I would take offense to anythign he said in that department again...although do I really want to deal with this?

I've always known this about him, but it has never come out like this before. It;s hard because I have unreachable standards for myself in terms of my academics and professional life, and I feel it is hypocrtical of me. Of course, I am not imposing my standards onto him or anyone else, so I guess it is different in that sense. Though I don't think it's healthy to obsessed with anything, be it school, exercise, drugs, etc.


It's so weird with my guy because he is normally the most laid-back dude alive...and hten his control freak came out in full force with this health stuff.


Keep the thoughts coming...there are so many interesting ideas going on here. Thanks everyone!
maddy29
Yeah, I know what you mean about not wanting to dump him just because he's having problems-I mean, isn't that part of relationships-supporting each other? I guess it just depends on h im a lot-if he's willing to get help, and talk to you about his real feelings. Like, talk to you about how bad h e feels about the pizza he ate, instead of insulting you. You'll have to figure out how much it's affecting you.

What do you mean about unreachable standards for yourself? Just curious:)
bonchicfeministe

So glad you understand, Maddy...and to the others thanks for the advice on therapy for him I will certainly be suggesting that. It's nice that some don't immediately advocate dumping him--though of course I see why others think I should. I mysel don't always know what to do, when I'm caught between my feminist outrage of patriarchal stupidity and my love for another imperfect human being.

Maddy, to answer your question as to my own unreachable standards: let's put it this way. I have to be the best at everything, or I feel like a failure. I graduated from college with 2 majors, a minor, an honors college thesis, and a 3.94 GPA. What was my reaction? To be upset that I didn't have a 4.0! LIkewise, I have had a really difficult finding a job since graduating last year, and feel like I have wasted my life away already. Now I'm in a one year graduate certificate program to make sure I enjoy the field of public policy before committing to a Masters of Policy and law degree...but that isn't good enough b/c it's not hte real thing! Moreover, I probably won't think I've done enough until I have a PhD. I'm crazy, am I not? I don't hold the same expectations for others, just for myself...so at least it's a self-contained insanity. This all stems from, of course, fear of failure, but more than that my absolute determination to succeed so I can best change the world. I feel that, as a feminist, I need to validate my intelligence so that people will take me seriously. Sad, eh? If anyone else feels that wya, I'd love to hear. maybe start a new thread?

Keep the boyfriend suggestions coming!







QUOTE(maddy29 @ Jul 24 2006, 04:20 PM) *

Yeah, I know what you mean about not wanting to dump him just because he's having problems-I mean, isn't that part of relationships-supporting each other? I guess it just depends on h im a lot-if he's willing to get help, and talk to you about his real feelings. Like, talk to you about how bad h e feels about the pizza he ate, instead of insulting you. You'll have to figure out how much it's affecting you.

What do you mean about unreachable standards for yourself? Just curious:)

maddy29
Hmm, it's actually interesting, because in some ways you and your boyfriend have a lot in common with the "It'll never be enough, I'll never be good enough" idea.

Yeah, I mean sometimes it's so easy to say "just dump him!" But really, it's almost never that simple. Has he been with other non-model women? Is it important to him that you look your best all the time? Does he think it reflects on him? What will happen to your relationship if you gain weight, or lose your model figure (through childbirth or medications or whatever)?

Just asking questions smile.gif Hope you are doing ok.

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