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danilu
I tend to work my ass off, because my family depends on me, but why should i have to maintain two jobs while my "other half" sits on the couch eating chip and salsa and likes to watch the victoria secret comercials and then has the nerve to ask me "Now why cant you look like that?" im almost at my wits end with this crap but i just cant seem to find the courage to leave, and know that i left him alone and "enemployed" what do i do
erinjane
No advice, but sympathy. My ex and I didn't live together, but I was really annoyed when he decided to quit his job to look for something else. I told him to wait until he had another job before he quit, but he didn't. Now it's almost a year later and he's barely worked. He's such a great guy, but I'm very money-wise, always saving, never in debt so that I can have a lot of options in the future and it really bothered me that he cared so little. Money shouldn't run our lives, but we gotta face the fact that its a necessity.
herculesgirl
Danilu, next time he asks "Why can't you look like that?" about the Victoria's Secret models, ask him when he's gonna get off his lazy ass and find a job.

To be brutally honest, he'll keep sponging off you until you leave, and I think you know that. Why would you feel guilty about leaving him? He's a grown man capable of working, right? I mean, he doesn't have any kind of serious disability that keeps him from being employed? He could go out and get a job if he really had to, right? And you're working TWO jobs so he can sit on his ass and complain about YOU? Wake up and smell the coffee, honey. He's gonna keep taking advantage of you because he can. Trust me, I know from personal experience!

Besides, if you leave, it might just be the kick in the ass he needs to get up and look for work.
p_176
i'm going through this also a bit. i just broke an engagement - not because he won't work but because he won't control the direction of his life. he has a history of job hopping, and most of his more recent jobs were hooked up through relatives. i can't stand it that he's not happy with where he is in life, per se, but he won't do anything to change it either.
i have a small amount of debt, but i handle it as well. i own my house - we were living together and while he contributed a bit, it did not compare to what i was paying - this does not give him leverage to complain about things, in my opinion. it became a control issue, almost, and since i had the control, i invited him to move out.
he wants to work things out and get married....i'm just not sure yet....i've been told i am too rigid/grudgeholding; i try not to be, but i feel like i work hard, so other folks should too, and if they don't want to, fine, but then don't be a hater! but i hate the idea of jumping in to the dating pool again...:-( i guess things will sort themselves out as they will...
thanks for listening.
tatina
Hmmm. I think it really depends. I actually like it when my husband does the homework and all the routine stuff I don't like and I bring the cash home. We have been doing this for years and I have never felt bad about it - there was always a strong sense of balance. But I have to deal with the misconceptions of society and with the judgements of my friends.. And I would never put up with a guy who does not do his share and justs sits in front of the TV. If I go to work I want my coffee served in bed and I want dinner when I come home.
weremonkey
I have to agree with herculesgirl.

You are living the equivalent of women who get involved with alcoholics, thinking they can change them. You need to either accept the current situation with no expectations of it changing or leave now. If he's not even looking, he will never change until he has to - when you aren't around to take care of him.

I know people who have been together for years with partners who don't work at home or otherwise and most only get more demanding as years go on. Does he cook and keep a clean home? Is dinner waiting when you get home from work? Does he take care of all of your errands, like taking the car in repair, shopping, deliveries, managing social calendars, etc.? Maybe there are trade-offs.

Life is short. Don't waste it on someone who will be a drag on you. Spend it with someone who makes your life better.
p_176
thanks for the feedback. what's hard right now is most of our friends don't know the specifics, of course, it's none of their business. but some people sorta think i am a bitch for breaking it off, or that i am being too rigid and demanding. i'm like, no matter how old you are, but especially if you are older (there was a 13 year difference between me and the exfiance), it's not too demanding to expect someone to handle their responsibilities, esp financial. sometimes i feel like i am losing my mind, like did i make a mistake? then i realize again that no, i made the best decision for myself.
thanks for listening
knitpug
QUOTE(herculesgirl @ May 13 2006, 07:40 PM) *

Besides, if you leave, it might just be the kick in the ass he needs to get up and look for work.


I don't know about that. My aunt lived with a non-working, sponging man for 30 years. When she finally broke it off, he found another woman to sponge off of. I guess he just got used to it.

My new husband has not had a steady job since we got together and he doesn't do house work. He is now going to go to law school in a week. I have my fingers crossed that he will get it together after he graduates but who knows. I hope I don't end up like my aunt.
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