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laurenann
my boyfriend and i are both so stressed out as it is, i can't imagine what it would be like when we have kids. maybe it isn't a good idea for two nervous, anxious people to pro-create together. hopefully we'll have more money and a good therapist by then.

maddy29
i babysat today, and the parents seem a bit more frazzled than usual. the kid is a verrry active 3.5 y.o. i was remembering when i started sitting for them, and he was about 5 months old. they were both SO sleep deprived, especially her. i thought she was the weirdest flake ever, and she is, but when i met her she was borderline crazy seeming smile.gif i almost didn't take the job because she seemed so odd but then she offered me $15/hour so i figured i'd at least give it a chance. later i found out how exhausted she was....

she's like a completely different person now. imean, she must still be pretty tired with a 3 year old, but nothing like she was before. sleep deprivation really makes you nuts. they took their kid to a sleep clinic, which to me was funny, because a lot of it was that they had a hard time letting him cry, even for a few minutes...but the dr. helped them mostly i think feel not like bad parents if he wasn't sleeping "enough."

that is pretty much the extent of my kid sleeping knowledge:) i know my niece and nephew made my sister nuts too with the not sleeping and wanting to sleep in her bed, keeping them up all night......



oh, and lauren, that's funny- i don't want kids at all, and my boyfriend is fine with that, but yeah, i'm too anxious and messed up myself,i just can't imagine it!
pepper
i have a huge bed for the purpose of kid-in-the-bed scenarios. he knows that if he wakes me up he'll get sent back to his room post haste so if he wakes in the night he oh so quietly creeps into my room, goes Around the end of the bed and gets in on the other side. i never even know he's there until i wake up in the AM. it's fine, i don't mind him getting into bed with me at all.
But! this weekend he ended up in bed with me and the mr at his house (his bed is small, only a double!) and i had a wiggly, kicky, mumbly little whiner glued to my side all night, gah! no sleep for me, none what-so-ever.

and the mr still has trouble keeping his temper in check. he doesn't get why it bothers me when he talks angrily about simple little things. i told him that he can say whatever he wants so long as he says it nicely but he doesn't get it. he's a snippy, snappy petulant little person sometimes.

what honeymoon phase?
jenny_dreadful
double post
girlygirlgag
Hi Jenny!
Have you told him any of these feelings?

IMO, marijuana and drug induced "epiphanies" annoy the crap out of me and are totally juvenile. I have never followed the school of thought, where drugs "open your mind" to things you would have never thought up otherwise. I know I would have never thought there was a Pink Floyd Laser Light show going on, on the sidewalk, if I was not trippin my balls off.

But, it sounds to me that you are in the natural progression of the relationship...Where is this going? This is what i want...What do you want...etc. etc. You do need to see if you are on the same page, if not, it is time to move on.
nickclick
jenny, this may be better discussed in "moving on," but....

i had similar feelings about a year ago with my ex. yes, ex. we were together for almost 10 years. i was growing up and he wasn't. i wanted things he either didn't want or wasn't ready for, such as settling in one place, buying a house, having babies, etc.

to answer the "then why'd ya stay so long?" question: two reasons:

1. during those years i wouldn't admit i wanted that stuff, either to psych myself out, feeling i would never have them, or because i thought they were too "common" of goals. but i came to terms with it, and realized i can define those terms.

2. i loved him

which seems to be what you're dealing with. i had to cut that romantic notion that being in love is the secret to a happy and fulfilling life.

i thought i was compromising "the love of my life" for security and a white picket fence, but when i met someone else, who wants the same stuff, and has been working toward it too, those are some of the qualities and reasons i love about him. maturity is very attractive. at least now that i'm somewhat mature.

my ex and i are still close, and he will always be a part of my life, and have a special place in a special time in my life (jeez i'm over-hallmark-ing here....). doesn't mean he should have been my life partner. life's too short and i'm too cool to compromise! as i assume you are too! good luck and keep us posted...

roseviolet
((((((Jenny))))))

What was his grand revelation, anyway?

I gotta admit that I have zero tolerance for drug-enduced epiphanies. In fact, when I encounter someone over the age of 23 who still engages in heavy pot smoking, I can't help but roll my eyes. I will admit that I, too, tolerated that sort of behavior from friends and from my ex when I was younger. But when I reached my late 20s, I started to think hard about what I needed from a life partner (and "pothead" wasn't on my list). Note that my ex didn't do a ton of drugs when we were together, but I know he hid a lot of his drug use from me. Oddly enough, my ex started taking more drugs and drinking a lot more in the years after our break-up. It was almost as if he finally felt free to do what he had really wanted to do during the years we were together. He has started to clean up a bit (for which I am so grateful). But it wasn't something I could have ever convinced him to do. He had to come to this conclusion on his own.

There's a quote from Antoine de Saint-Exupery that basically says that love is not about looking at one another, but looking in the same direction. My husband and I are very different, but I think that we have very similar goals for our relationship and our life together. The difference this has made is amazing and has brought me much peace.
jenny_dreadful
double post
maddy29
jenny, i think it's really great that you are realizing what you want your life to be like. i can't imagine how hard it would be to realize this though, when you are with someone who has such different ideas!

that weed epiphany-geez, i've had that exact one oh say, a milllllion times. it feels really real in the moment, like it "means" something, but it really doesn't.

it sounds like you are getting ready to have a serious sit down conversation with him about your futures.

people DO change! and it's ok that you want different things now. you're 30, that seems like a really normal think for your focus to shift towards wanting a family or whatever...
nickclick
jenny! glad you checked in.

your story is like rewinding my life to over a year ago. i went thru the same exact feelings... especially the self-doubt and regret over not making it an issue earlier in the relationship. but the fact remains that even if it these things have only recently become important to you, they haven't (yet) become important to him. in other words, you've grown up and he hasn't. are you willing to wait (more) years for that to (possibly) happen? i certainly wasn't! being with someone who has no "oomph" for the future can sooo keep you down. do not feel bad for not realizing them or verbalizing them sooner.

when i first left, i felt like total shit, missing him, our apartment, our life together. soon i felt hope for the future, something i didn't remember since i left college years before. now, my life is on track. i found the confidence in myself to get a better job, reconnect with some old friends, get in better shape, and find a new and better relationship.

you're not selling out, you're growing up, and that's not something you can help but doing. or in his case, not doing. glad you're not talking about pushing him into it, a stupid mistake by many girls, willing to sacrifice the long-term for the short-term, in my opinion...
nickclick
sorry to double post, but this song came up on my ipod shuffle today, and i remember it helping me thru all this last year:


The Fire Theft, Waste Time

Don’t wanna waste time
Is it a matter of mind
Don’t wanna lose control
I’ve gotta say goodbye, my love

We just couldn’t get it right
It was a matter of time

All i wanted was to stay there in your arms
But when the door opened i had to say goodbye
And i knew that it was not our fate
But i waited all these years to hear you say
“i always loved you, only you”
I knew that it was just too late
Mine to the end, no
Though i still have dreams of you and i together again
I cant afford to lie
I have to say goodbye
We didn’t know the future but we did what was right
chickenlittle
Oof! That song is a killer, nickclick- thanks for sharing it.
jenny_dreadful
Deleted
karma77
Post deleted.
nickclick
QUOTE(karma77 @ Oct 20 2006, 06:45 PM) *

It is such a difficult dilemma. Do you wait for the person you love to become ready, or do you walk away and risk never finding someone you love again? I wish I had the answer. And if you have a timeline, is it fair? I feel like I need to put a timeline on him, but I don't want to tell him and pressure him. Maybe not telling him is unfair too. I wish I knew!


asking him to live by your timeline is just as unfair as him asking you to wait for the things you want. there's got to be some compromise. is he willing to talk about the possibility of the rest of your lives together?

i may have stayed if my ex said - i want the same future as you, but i want to do this list of things first, better job, school, whatever. and if he had the track record of accomplishing such goals, which he didn't.

of course you will find someone to love again. i've come to the opinion that love isn't some cosmic inexplicable force that drives us to another person. it's a common sharing of interests and way of looking at the world. when you meet someone who looks at the future like you do, that will be one of the reasons you love him. i'm not saying marry the first guy who wants babies. i'm saying marry the first guy who likes what you like, and who wants babies. i dunno if it's harder to find that person than to make the person you're with into that person, but that was the chance i was willing to take. maybe i'm impatient...
amilita
"Do you wait for the person you love to become ready, or do you walk away and risk never finding someone you love again?"

Karma, I'm sure you realize that just as you risk never finding someone again, if you stay, you also risk the person you love never being ready for the things you want...no guarantees either way.

I'm really wary of people who are unhappy about their job or other aspects of their life and who use that as a reason to not progress in other areas of their life...i.e. marriage or having kids. It's one thing if they may not want those things, but another if they want to put it all on hold until they totally straighten out their career or whatever...especially when they don't even really have a plan. Like your boyfriend. And like my ex, who was unhappy at his job but never did anything about it...that was one of the reasons that led to our breakup. It was too frustrating.

I mean, I see people all the time who are having babies during difficult times...as medical residents, while in school, etc. If it's important to you, you make it a priority. Not that it would even have to be getting pregnant right now, but agreeing that after X number of years, you would have a baby, or whatever you both agreed to.

That's interesting that your counselor told you to be happy in the moment...I'm not sure I agree with her. Not that you should break up right now, either, but I think it's significant to you relationship, this non-meeting of the minds.
venetia
I would be wary of a counsellor who made that kind of judgement call on my behalf! Surely he or she should be helping you find tools to make the decision yourself, not telling you what to do and how to think!

Karma, is it really a case of waiting for him to become reasdy, or is it a case of waiting to see IF he becomes ready or if he goes in a different direction?

I think the risk of never finding someone you love again is balanced against the risk of staying and missing someone who you'd love and who wants what you want...
pinkmartyr
Karma, I am in a similar situation, with a few differences.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years. We've been living together for the past 6 months, and are getting married in April. He proposed about a year ago.
I have a degree and am happily employed in my field. I make enought money to support myself, to do fun things, and to prepare for raising a child. I have health insurance, life insurance, AFLAC, and the like.
He works as a kitchen manager. He makes $10/hr, and his boss has been promising salary- but since August. He had another appointment to discuss the salary last monday, but the boss made up an excuse not to show, so essentially, the boss is dodging him. We also work opposite hours- I am a teacher, but he works in the evening/nights, and doesn't get home til 8pm, 10pm, or 12am, depending. So we don't have a lot of time together because he's busy with work. On his days off, he often has to go in for meetings or to place the food order at the restaurant. In short, he is not happy with his job or his hours.
We haven't had sex in about a month. Everytime I try to initiate sex, he says no, because he just got home from work and wants to relax, or in the morning, because he wants to sleep longer. Last night I was really fed up and we had a talk about it- he says he's just upset with so many parts of his life- his job, not seeing me or his friends because of work, money issues, gaining weight since quitting smoking, etc. He says that his feelings about me have not changed.
He is making progress, but really slowly. He is investigating two new jobs, and has officially applied for one of them. It is a shipyard apprentice program where he'd be paid hourly and earn a 2 yr. degree while getting on the job training. The hours are also really good. Another thing might be computer certifications.
I want to have kids soon. I'm 28, he's 26. He says that we really shouldn't have them til he has better hours and more money for us. Its frustrating to have worked so hard to get where I am, but to know that I still have to wait.
I think part of the problem is that he's depressed. I've had that problem in the past, and I know the feeling of not having the motivation to make your life better. I think he ought to talk to a counselor, or a career counselor, or even that WE should talk to a couples counselor. He doesn't have insurance, though, so counseling just for him is out. He is open and willing to the idea, though. I think that times like this are inevitable for any relationship, married or not, and I also know how we handle it could make or break it. I'm trying to think of how I can be helpful or understanding of him, and to keep my frustration and feelings of lonlieness (because we have such little time together) in check.

sorry for the giant post, needed to vent!
xo
grenadine
((karma)) and ((pinkmartyr))

hi all, just popping in after a long, dingo-inpired hiatus. pinkmartyr, i don't know where you live, but in my town the university offers counseling from its master's students (doing practicum, so about to have degrees and be much more expensive) for $15 a session. my (then-unemployed) husband and i went when we were first married and thought our counselor was pretty good - so you might want to check in w/your local uni. there are also various free support groups, peer counseling, etc. that might be helpful for him - getting help doesn't have to cost money.
karma77
Post deleted.
POfeminist
You are only 28. Get a freaking grip. Your boyfriend is going to go running in the opposite direction cause you are whining about getting married and having kids and hes not ready. Just find someone new if he doesnt share your goals. Jids fuck up your life, its obvious he needs time to do his own thing.
pepper
quoting POfeminist: {You are only 28. Get a freaking grip. Your boyfriend is going to go running in the opposite direction cause you are whining about getting married and having kids and hes not ready. Just find someone new if he doesnt share your goals. Jids fuck up your life, its obvious he needs time to do his own thing.}

hmm, looks like i spoke too soon in that other thread about giving you a chance to have some civil, honest dialogue here 'cause there you go proving that you are, indeed, a troll. onto ignore you go.
POfeminist
Here we go again pepper. Why are you so whiny all of the time?

Karma, it is a bad situation you are in. However, why is what your therapist said innapropriate? Because it is something you don't want to hear?

He is correct in saying that the more you pressure someone, the more they will resist. Also, if they do cave, they will end up resenting you. You are still young in terms of the having a kid thing. However, if getting married and having children is what you want, then you need to find someone else with similar goals. You owe that to yourself.
girlygirlgag
Jaysus lady, sounds like you popped up just to mess with Pepper. Pepper and I don't always see eye to eye, but being blatantly disrespectful, is not "calling it like it is", it is just being a mean, bitch.

Seriously, way to make friends and influence people rolleyes.gif

nickclick
yah, hope everyone agrees when i say we like constructive criticism around here....

pink, also coming from a relationship with a depressed unmotivated partner, i quickly found that offering and going to counseling with him was helpful in getting him there.
maddy29
is this normal? i've been with my man for about 2.5 years, and we are very happily in love. we decided to move in together, which is awesome. i'm super duper happy about it-we both had said that we wouldn't move in together until we were just dying to move in.....and now we both are. so, it's really great, right?

ok, so my lease doesn't end until july 31st of 2007. i don't think i can wait that long! whenever he drops me off at my house or we say goodbye i just feel really sad and want to cry. when i get home to my house at the end of the day and go to sleep i'm really sad he isn't there. is that weird, or normal? i feel clingy and codependent-y. i just feel like omg, i can't believe i don't have to spend my whole life alone. and i just want to not be alone. i was for soooo long, and i still feel kind of alone still (when i say alone, i don't mean "single" exactly, i mean like ALONE, sad, lonely, feeling no one understands me, etc)

i'm really happy about our relationship and about moving in together. but i just don't know how long i can wait! i'm generaly really practical about stuff like this, i mean my lease is up next summer so rationally i should just stay put until then, when we can get a place together. but the thought of having to wait until next august to be with him is agony.

any thoughts? from established board members ? smile.gif
katiebelle2882
hahaha established board members. good point.
girlygirlgag
Try to find a sublet, or negotiate out of your lease.

It is normal. I think. I was the same way. I think I am normal?
maddy29
tee hee smile.gif y'all know what i meant by that!

lol-i guess when i said normal i meant like, am i crazy? i know he feels really sad when he leaves too.

i never do spontaneous things-i've never gotten out of a lease or subletted, i always finish it out...i guess i feel like i'm being twitty about it-like my friend who dated this guy for 3 months then broke her lease, moved in with him and his buddies-just not a well thought out decision. i don't want to be like that. god i'm such a nerd!

my roommates are cool, and i know it'd be ok if i had to find a subletter to take over the rest of my lease. one of my roommates might actually be doing that for the summer...

hmmmmmmm

pepper
is it possible for him to move into your place temoprarily (i mean until your lease is up)? it might mean putting some of your collective stuff into storage so you'll both fit but... it could work?
i think it's fine that you feel the way you do. once you make a decision and are there emotionally and mentally it can be really challenging to live physically in the old situation. it's not really the best fit to be one place in your mind and heart and another in your body.
that said, i do think that the sadness is a message to you to maybe take a look at those feelings on a deeper level. maybe this time until you move in together could be an opportunity to do some healing work with yourself. it sounds to me like there is some hurt stuck there that needs releasing and now, in a secure postion with yourself and a partner might be an ideal time to love yourself through that deep examination.
whatever you decide, summer will be here sooner than you think. your time will be full of packing, apartment hunting and making plans, maybe even a yard sale before you go. good luck, and congrats!
girlygirlgag
3 months and two and a half years are quite different. In 3 months, you don't even know the person, hence the chance of disaster ensuing, is much greater.
katiebelle2882
Maddy,

I think you have been through some serious things in your life that makes comparing or asking that question hard to answer. Meaning, what is normal for one person is not normal for another, esp given your survivor history. I don't think anyone can tell how past events can manifest themselves in the present. Which clearly could account for how you don't want to be alone, and how you are sad. Methinks its not just about the mister. Pepper is right about taking a closer look at the sadness. Maybe use the time to realize that you aren't actually alone. Does that make sense at all? Clearly he loves and cares for you and of course it's normal to want to be with someone you love. Thats not weird at all.

I am not sure any of that made sense but I tried.

edit-I was going to point that out GGG its a MAJOR difference.
maddy29
pepper you got it exactly right: "once you make a decision and are there emotionally and mentally it can be really challenging to live physically in the old situation. "

that is exactly what it is. this feels like the "old" life, and i'm ready for the "new" life....or something like that smile.gif

he doesn't want to move in with me and my two roommates, mostly because i don't have parking and it's further from his work, so his commute would really suck a lot-plus he'd get a lot of tickets and stuff....i'd be happy to move into his place but it's tiny and has one bathroom, and he already has two roommates that are always around....

i think you're right though, spring will be here and then we can be looking for a place, which will be fun...i just gotta get through the winter!

about the sadness-yeah, i'm trying to practice being with this sadness, it's SOOO deep and feels never-ending, and right now i'm working on not pushing it away, but just learning how to feel it without freaking out. so there's definitley work to be done...grrr. (i'm workign on cutting waaay back on my crazy weed smoking, and feelings are definitely coming up that i usually smoke away).

part of me just can't believe this is real, and that it's actually happening to me. i lived sooo much of my life in daydreams and fantasies, and this is just a total shock to me. to have something real happen that's so good, just seems odd....maybe part of me is scared to wait? like i just want to move in NOW so i can feel secure? hmm, i don't know.

thank you all so much! i felt dumb putting this on here but i knew that i needed to get it out of my head.

katie that did make sense smile.gif

i think you guys are right about there being more to the sadness then just missing him....i dunno, maybe i should head over the the survivor thread.

the alone feeling-it's like, even though i'm not alone and really never have been (supportive family and sister, some close friends that stuck by me), it's still just this core feeling i have...

oh ya know! part of this sadness is being away from my entire family for the past 7 years. i fled michigan to get away from the chaos that ensued after i revealed the incest. i REALLY miss my family, in a really deep way that i can feel all the way to the bottom of my feet. even though they drive me nuts, i miss them, and i miss being there for all of the occasions. my boy wants to move back to the midwest with me in a couple of years, which is soooo amazing to me! i had this huge flip out this summer while on vacation at my family's beach place, cause i just did NOT want to come back to boston.

wow, this is being so dang helpful. thanks tons smile.gif
katiebelle2882
this is dumb, but when i was younger i used to get so excited about our family vacations that i would want them to happen right away, bc i would be terrified that something horrible would happen and we wouldnt be able to go on it.
pepper
maddy, i read a great book that i recommend to people all the time and i think you would find useful in your self-healing. it's called Loving What Is by Byron Katie. the library can get it for you if you're interested.
that book changed my life, no joke.
maddy29
katie, that's really cute. i definitely feel a bit like that.

thanks for the book rec-i'll check it out-i'm a big fan of reading to heal....

nickclick
sometimes looking forward to something is just as much fun as the actual thing. like christmas, vacations, going out. enjoy it! and use the time to plan well. don't feel guilty for being anxious (or happy!)
ellenevenstar
How exciting, Maddy! Yeah, I find it hard to balance looking forward, with anticipation and excitement about future plans, with the 'living in the present' ideal... but I don't ever feel guilty, it's just a shame that I don't appreciate what's going on around me a lot of the time! My partner and I are ready to start the next chapter of our lives, but just can't yet (for various reasons) unsure.gif and it's tough to have to wait. I just want to be there ! This also links so much with what was being said here a couple of weeks ago - when is it cool & sensible to defer these things and when are you just stalling & denying yourself great adventures?

We aren't married but have been together for 11 years and we are thoroughly happy wub.gif . My mum is really affirming of our story and our relationship but his mum makes a lot of comments about us getting married and it almost seems like she wants this because of the way it reflects on her! It's really frustrating and I wish she'd shut up about it. I don't know what to do. You would think after so long she would have realised that the more she pushes, the less likely we are to get around to organising a wedding...... Grrr.
auralpoison
This one is a downer, so skip it if you don't need that shit.

So I had to suck it up & do my first real girlfriend thing over the weekend.

We had a minor tiff Saturday night. I acted out a bit on Sunday afternoon. I got kinda fucked up because I was still annoyed by Sat. I came home a bit tipsy, ate, & started working. Sun night the phone rang, it was HB & he sounded funny. Because I am a narcissist & a pessimist, I thought for sure he was gonna break up with me after our minor contretemps. (Bad AP. It's NOT all about you, you silly bitch! Grow up!) Turned out HB's last remaining close family member passed Sunday evening. He came to my house, which he never does cos he hates my cats & the feeling is mutual. He wouldn't speak & I wasn't gonna press. I made us tea while he took the sofa apart so we could both lie down comfortably. He sobbed into my chest for two hours & he still couldn't articulate his problem. I petted him & tried to soothe, but I'm not so dumb as to think that really did much to alleviate his pain. Finally he admitted that his uncle had died. I provided what succor I could. What I did next was bad girlfriend shit, but I stand by it. I slipped him some Ambien cos I knew he wouldn't sleep & he'd need his energy for the next couple days. Once he was out, I booked him a ticket to PA for the next day & got him a rental car so he could TCB. I gathered local phone numbers, etc & made a reservation for two nights at a hotel. I hijacked his car & went to his place & packed him a bag; I made sure to include his best suit & everything he'd need. I made sure there were snacks, bottled water, books, etc. in his carry-on. I called his job & let them know he'd had a death in the family & that he'd be out for at least a week. I did what I could, but I still don't feel like it was enough. He got up expecting an initial bear of a day, but I'd already taken care of everything that could be handled on this end. He was grateful, but still expectedly distant. I did what I could, I guess. I still feel shitty, though. I would like to be there with him, but I know he didn't want that or he'd have said so before he left this morning. I know he touched down a few hours back, but he still hasn't called. I'm trying not to worry, but failing.

What makes me feel even shittier is that I was disappointed that he'd miss the holiday & my bday because he had more important shit to deal with.
sybarite
Ah, the 'what can I do to make it better' feelings of ineptitude. I feel your pain AP.

One thing I had to learn was that it was not all about me and how I felt powerless to help. Sounds obvious but that took me a while to figure out. I think you were super comprehensive and anticipated everything and I'm sure he *is* grateful. Saying that, it can be hard to know the best ways to help, especially if they're not telling and obviously you don't want to push it, especially if they are hurting.

I think all you can ever really do is be patient, be observant and do what you can. My mister is swings and roundabouts: sometimes he wants me to jump in and take charge of arrangements, sometimes planning things is good for him and takes his mind off of what's happening. Sometimes he just needs to talk and vent and be upset. We've had some sad things happen with his family and each time we dealt with the situation differently, so all I know for sure is that there's no one way.

I can understand you feeling disappointed; I'd probably be the same. I wouldn't tell him about it now, but your feelings are no less valid so acknowledge them and process the best you can.

Give him the space he needs and don't worry. In any case, people probably need him around right now and he'll be tied up with that. Hold your breath on it all until he gets back, then let him bring up anything rather than press. Something good doesn't disintegrate overnight; I'm sure you'll both be fine but do be patient... and vent away here if it helps!
ms.gb
wow..AP....you rock...really. i wouldn't have done half that stuff.....i agree with sybarite...just give him some room but be there for him as well. which kinda puts you in a type of 'limbo' but he'll come around when he's ready. and by then, you'll have thought out the argument and whatnot and you two can talk about it then.

for a while, during a big rough patch..mr.gb would go out drinking at night...to spite me. and then give me the silent treatment on top of that. so i gave him a wake up call...he could leave or he could stay and talk things out. he was resistant at first, so i kicked him out. for 3 days. and then we started talking and he moved back. since then, we've been ok.

just my two cents.
auralpoison
Another big, long depressing post. Move on, ya'll.

Pardon if this makes no sense.

I so suck at this. I am reminded why I've mostly maintained casual relationships with men most of my life. But cod help me, I love this man.

See, now, the initial tiff on Saturday was over *my* drinking. Well, it started that way anyways, but that wasn't what it was really about. I'm by no means Dylan Thomas, but I do get my drink on now & again with a particular set of lady friends. We get together over brunch a couple times a month, drink bloody Marys & mimosas, & bitch. I generally quit while I am ahead cos Saturday night is "our" night & I don't want to show up at his place half in the bag. After we got through that, he expressed that it bugs him that I need to go let off steam before I see him & that I choose to do it by drinking with a group of other difficult women. He admitted that he thinks I'm venting about *him* & us. NOT. He's/we're the LEAST of my worries & I explained that to him. I *BRAG* about us & my girls hate me for having such a successful, grown-up 'ship. I told him that I bitch about the same things to him as to them, just that they bare the brunt of the day to day because I don't want our time to be mucked up in my retarded daily drama. (His life is relatively low drama except when it comes to our 'ship.) Anyway, maybe it's selfish of me, but I want our time together to be mostly good since there is relatively little of it since we're both workaholics. There isn't a single part of my life that I don't share with him & that's a HUGE deal for me being that I am secretive by nature. I tell him most everything & he tells me most everything. We got that all out of the way by dinner & then things were just comfortable & fun. We were on an even plane when we went to bed. Or so I thought. Post-coitally, when I was good & relaxed & falling asleep, he poked me & started asking me weird questions. Eg: he asked me if I menstruated. That freaked me out. Of course I do. I'm only thirty-one & healthy as an ox. In fact, I'd started my flow the day before. Why? "Because you don't get bitchy, you don't seem to have any weird cravings, you never leave any trace behind (No applicators/adehsive strips/packaging.), & in five months you've never said no to sex & it's never been bloody." I was embarrassed, but I explained that my choice of feminine protection was basically a cervical cap of sorts that collected all of the menstrual fluid & that he couldn't feel it if properly inserted. Also, that as I've gotten older my symptoms have lessened & that I take supplements that aid in that. Being a scientist, he was hugely curious & I had to get out of bed & go through my purse so I could show him what I was using. After his curiosity was satisfied, we went to back to bed. BUT. I woke up feeling a little annoyed on Sunday that he'd brought it all up at all at such a late date. It had obviously bothered him for a while & I was pissy that he didn't feel like he could bring shit up sooner. Also, that he'd waited until I was pliable to ask. I decided I was being childish, I sucked it up, we had coffee, & I left to meet my girls for the annual kibbutz. Which lasted longer than it should have because we were all annoyed with our mates or lack there of. All in all, I felt better after talking to the girls & went home feeling no pain. Then he called & his drama ensued. I kissed & loved & snuggled & once he was out like a light, I took care of business because in my family I'm the strong one & I'd done it four times in the last five years. It's kinda become my job & I'm good at it. I'm a take charge kinda gal & that's what he needed at the time.

He left Monday morning, it's now Wed evening & he still hasn't called to let me know how he's doing. I know that it's his way, I'm worried, but I know him well enough to know that it's up to him to call when he's ready. Doesn't mean I'm still not tearing my hair out, though.

I'll never tell him about the fact that I'm disappointed that he won't be here for the holiday or my birthday. I'm not that shallow. Like I said, it ain't all about me. A holiday/birthday is just that: a day in the grand scheme of things. While my feelings are vaild, he doesn't need that shit right now. He's for all intents & purposes ALONE immediate family-wise & that's WAY bigger than my feeling slightly abandoned. It's not really that big of a deal that he's missing my first birthday together. I know he had big plans for my birthday as he is somewhat extravagant when it comes to me, but I am unsure how to broach it to him that I need to cancel any plans he'd made. I don't want to put any burden upon him, but I don't want him to be screwed, either. I want to put things down in a timely manner so that it doesn't reflect upon him as a patron. Afterall, he is a creature of habit & I want people to know that he isn't a flake.

His uncle was a role model of sorts for him. A gentleman bachelor that did what he loved. A botanist. He was his father's brother (His father died when he was eleven.) & he did what he wanted, when he wanted. Family be damned. HB loved him for that & the fact that he was his main male influence & encouraged him to be/do what he wanted despite his family's pressure to settle down with a boring job.

I know patience is a virtue, but goddamnit, I just want to know he made it safely. But he'll let me know in his own time. All I can do is wait. And bake for tomorrow. I'm so stressed that I'm baking like a mad woman for the holiday. Pies, cobbler, & cheesecake.

Please call, baby. PLEASE.
mornington
((((AP)))) I got nothin'. I'm just hugging to see if you'll let me tongue.gif (it made sense to me, btw)

*goes back to lurking*
roseviolet
((((((((((AP)))))))))))) If I were you, I'd be bald right now. I admire your ability to keep your mits off of the phone (and off of your hair). I also admire your ability to be so amazingly helpful & supportive during such a difficult time. I'm sure he appreciates it.
bunnyb
(((ap))) If I were you I would text him and say that you hoped he arrived okay and that you're thinking of him - that is not being a burden, it's putting your mind at ease (providing he texts back) and showing you care a lot. eta: but then I go crazy and really fret when I don't hear from the boy on normal occasions.

You were so thoughtful, loving and practical and he will realise that once he's less emotional.

As for the menstruation discussion: not good timing but he's male and they cower away from all things "womanly" whilst still wondering - I view it as a good thing that he eventually asked (and didn't blurt out "Are you pregnant? you've never had your period and it's been five months and EEEEK!")

Regarding your birthday: it's a week tomorrow (I checked on the lounge calendar) so wait until he's back, see how he's doing and decide nearer the time. You could always postpone and celebrate together when he's doing better and that's a good compromise.
turbojenn
AP, that was in no way a depressing post....really, it made me tear up a little at the care that you are giving your partner, and letting him process his grief in his own time and call you when he's ready. You have remarkable strength, and I hope that he calls you soon to check in, and to tell you just how amazing you are.
(((((AP rocks da haus))))))
auralpoison
Thanks for your support, ya'll. I really needed it. Need it.

SWEET JEBUS! He finally called. After half a bottle of Chivas. He didn't make a whole lot of sense, but he loves me. I knew that before, but he *really* pushed the point home. He cried about how he didn't want to die alone & how happy he was that he was with me & how I do so much for him & he doesn't always know how to deal with it, but that he's so glad to have me in his life. We both wound up bawling our eyes out. I so want to blow today off & just snuggle with one of his dirty shirts, but like Celine Dion, my heart will go on.
sybarite
Aw ((((AP)))) So glad for you. I'd be feeling all warm and glowy.

And what you write always makes sense to me, if I may say so. And clearly you don't suck at 'this.' I used to feel the same: my mister in many ways was my first real full-on longtermer(and I was 30) and I have felt many times that there are known ways to 'handle' things and that I didn't know any of them. Then I realised that whatever works for us is what works for us; never mind commonly held pearls of would-be wisdom.

Take it easy and happy thanksgiving to you both!
turbojenn
Awwwwww, AP, I'm so glad he called, and that he really was able to express his love and gratitude for you - that is the best start to thanksgiving that I can think of!!!
bunnyb
definitely someone to be thankful for, for each of you smile.gif.
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