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Moonpieluv
so I'm out, y'all. OUT.

He acted as if he could care less. derrr...cheesy, but myspace status is changed...as is mine. et voila! He has washed his hands of me. I have washed my hands of him...'cept the hurt. that still lingers.

It's going to be tough for me, at first. He goes on as if nothing happened. I'm the crazy lunatic ex he gets to spout off about to his gaming metalhead friends. I'm sure he's holding out hope that he will meet his fantasy metal babe at his metal festival coming up. yada yada. but such is life. In the end, I know the truth about him. He will end up a lonely man, that is of course...if he actually gets that perfect femmebot gaming girl...which I doubt. No matter though, right? I still have a lot of anger and shock. i DO NOT miss him however, at least at this point.

I'm glad to be living near a bigger city again..although I will have to be practical for a while and live further out for financial reasons.

I'm astonished that someone could have been so inhuman, nonchalant, carefree, heartless, cold...to me. and about the situation. I know that I shouldn't take it personally. It's not me. He hates me for the pettiest of reasons. He really hates me cause I shake his steel wall. I shake his swarmy bratty teenager ways. I shake his facade. I call him the "tin man" who doesn't even want a heart. I hope he rusts with his own tears. I won't be there to oil him up. In fact, no one will.

I truly hope I am able to move on..stronger. I hope I can let go of this anger, hurt, shock. I know I did the best best bestest for myself.
je.ne.sais.pas
moonpieluv

i am so happy for you and your new life, that wasn't healthy nor did it seem that it would be getting healthy at any point soon. you realized your worth and now you have made tons of progress. many don't have the courage you do......


lananans
(((Moonpieluv))) - you did the right thing for yourself. By the sounds of things you are much better off and on your way to a much happier life, je ne sais pas is right, many would not have the courage to do so, you are very brave!
zoya
**delurks**

moonpieluv - I just wanted to point out something that you may not have noticed... but I've noticed that since you decided to leave the relationship - and especially since you put that in motion - your posts have gone from confused and kind of reading "heavy" to being so much more focused and when I read them they just have so much of a "lighter" vibe to them. I get such a sense of relief from you when reading them, I know you did the right thing.

((((moonpieluv))))

**relurks**
roseviolet
((((((((((MoonPieLuv))))))))))))))))))) This sounds kinda strange since I know you're hurting, but congrats! You are a strong, wonderful woman and you should be proud of yourself for walking away from that hellhole. Good for you. There is so much joy and love in your future, I just know it.



NadasGirl, go ahead and write back to her with the truth. Seriously. Her business was personal until she opened up & asked for advice. Since your husband has passed it along to you, this means he is hoping you will add your take to this, right? If so, well then, do it. Tell her the truth: that the incessant gaming has had a major, negative impact on your relationship and maybe you two are just better at faking it in public than other people.

You're right. This is really two junkies helping each other. "My boyfriend doesn't like that I'm addicted to crack. What can I do to make him okay with this?" Please. I need to get a bigger skull just so there's enough room for my eyes to roll around in response to their absolute self-absorption.

Here's how she can make it better: she can cut back her gaming time. She doesn't have to stop altogether, but she (and your husband, of course) need to be able to spend at least 3 nights a week away from the games. That's my opinion as the wife of a man who loves playing video games. I don't think it's too much to ask because, afterall, they're still spending most of the nights of each week playing their damn games instead of interacting with their families. But a few nights a week can make a huge difference.
ananke
And lemme just tell you, hardcore gaming babes generally don't hook up with gamers. Two mutually obsessed people makes for a non-relationship. Not to mention the gamer definition of babe is (mostly) so far from something humanly achievable that they spend their time jerking off to 2d.

Wow. I think I'm still slightly bitter about my first boyfriend - avid gamer, banned me playing on game because they ranked on IP address and I might accidentally play on the same IP AND RUIN HIS SCORE HOW COULD I RISK THAT. Who pulled all nighters then rolled in at 10am wanting a bj because he was sooooooo tiiiiiiiiiired...

Sending on the guildies advice (I'm guessing he plays WoW) just really shows he absolutely has not gotten that it's a problem. I don't know where it was (I'm guessing a thread here?) bust someone said write it all down as a really raw first draft, then pull the really obvious important points together and make him read it. Not skim, but read and respond reasonably. Tell him you're thinking of divorce. Tell him it's unacceptable and it isn't about gaming, it's about having an obsession that interferes with life. Get it all out in black and white.

Then make sure you can leave. Because it may come to that. Like I said in my last post, I've had a friend lose their house over online addictions. They're doing it again. Hell. I can see it in my partner gaming so much more since we moved two states away from most of his friends and family - it isn't the hours gaming, it's the absolute blocking of everything around him while he plays. That moment where he gets angry at any interruption (be it a kiss or a request or a laugh). So he pulls back and we do something. He comes shopping or we go to a friends house or we go for a drive or we watch a movie together.

MoonPieLuv - that's so incredibly awesome. You remind me of when my best friend broke up with her idiot ex - it was just such an incredibly awesome change. She (and you) lit up, and made plans and thrived. I'm happy it feels good even through the hurt.
kittenb
QUOTE
I need to get a bigger skull just so there's enough room for my eyes to roll around in response to their absolute self-absorption.


Oh yeah, I am stealing this line.

Moonpieluv, I want to back up what zoya said. You do seem more focused and clearer of vision. Good for you! I hope things continue on this track for you. Best of luck. I think you are great. biggrin.gif

nadasgirl - I don't know quite what to say but other people are saying it really well. Good luck to you!

NadasGirl
You know, you all totally rock my socks...right off my feet. ;-) It feels so good to know that, not only are there people out there who really *get* what all of this feels like ( Congrats to you, MPL for getting out!) but that the sense of grounding and level-headedness that I feel in comparison to all of insanity of gaming addiction isn't strange to people who've been here.

We had a talk last night about, starting next week, him being home all the time. I said that, you know, I work on stuff for school at home and the days when he's at work and I don't have to teach, I do things like get up at 7:30 or 8 am, listen to music while I'm in the shower, take bike rides, listen to music while I work, take a nap in the afternoon...basically I just wanted him to know that just because he isn't working, doesn't mean that him sleeping until the afternoon and playing the game all hours of the night is going to fly. I said, you know, it's not fair to me to have to tip toe around the house and not get things done because you're unemployed. He seemed to agree and said that I should continue on with my schedule as I normally do, even if he's there. I know, however, that a totally normal schedule just won't be possible, but I'm really hoping that he takes this conversation to heart and remembers it. Because seriously, if he does become nocturnal...I will totally loose it all over his ass.

That said...I'm taking today off. I'm going out from lunch with by best friend, baking cookies and watching some crappy afternoon television. Nothing stressful, nothing crappy. I think I deserve it, damn it. tongue.gif
lananans
I hope you had a good day Nadasgirl!

I am very frustrated with my boyfriend right now. I feel like I am always making concessions for his needs - like he needs to study so I am going to be quiet/cook dinner etc etc... and yes, studying is important, but then at the same time, I have been trying to get him to help me decorate for a while now, and he just stands around looking stressed out while I have a drill in my hand then got this scared critical look on his face when I accidentally made a mistake by making the hole too large. I am so mad. I just stopped decorating. There's no fucking point.

Perhaps I am being irrational. But I don't care. I want to punch him.
sassygrrl
Nadas, I have a love/hate relationship with decorating. Mcgeek will just stand there, and not give me an answer. "Where do you want me to hang this picture??" "I don't know."

Mcgeek is seriously getting on my fucking nerves lately. He basically forgot our 2 year anniversary. I wrote him a really sweet love letter, and I got nada. It just really pissed me off. He did eventually buy me a puppy, but I have to pay him back for it.

We're always having to stress about money (which is one of his major anxieties). I'm new to living together with a man again (I had a very abusive ex-fiancee), so I'm having to get used to his OCD antics. Somedays, it's like living with Monk. I'll do the dishes, and he'll want them done another certain way. It drives me absolutely batshit.

We've had a long talk, and have decided to go to couples counseling for awhile. I really want this to work. I think the stress of the move, a bathroom renovation, and me breaking my toe, has added up to a very frustrating summer. I miss when we were dating, and he bought me nice things. When we actually went on dates.
Ugh!

Moonpieluv, good for you. Carry on!

((everyone))





funk0039
I dunno if this will help in general, but here goes:

One of the things that I've found odd about both sexes is that when something happens that's mildly irritating, they usually don't say anything to the other person, because either they don't think of it or they think it's not important enough to bother with. The problem with that idea is that frequently we all do this a lot and it adds up after a while. So, eventually you snap and get really ticked off over something that in the long run is really small potatoes. The other person gets really ticked, because from their perspective this came out of nowhere, they probably didn't know they were irritating you in the first place!

So, when you notice a problem that irritates you, wait until you are fully rational, and then just tell him that "When X happens, I feel Y." Be sure you don't word it offensively. Don't say "When you do X I feel Y" because it seems like a personal attack sometimes. Actually, 99% of the time when a man is told that you feel negatively when X was said, he'll scratch his head and tell you what he was thinking at the time, and it WON'T be what you thought he was intending. If you do this sort of thing often enough, you won't argue all that much because you sabotage the process before it gets into gear.

Oh yeah, here's another idea:
When you have had a really bad day or are just irritable, tell your mate before you spend time around him, like say when you enter the door. If he's the helpful sort, tell him what he can do that will help you feel better. I know that having your menses can be REALLY uncomfortable, so when this happens tell him so he can keep that in mind. Who knows, maybe he can do something to help you feel better? At any rate, it really helps to avoid fights if your mate has a heads up that you aren't feeling well.

DON'T just expect him to automatically know what you are thinking, feeling and wanting, no matter how long you've been together. In the absence of information all he can do is guess shamelessly, and sometimes we miss something so the more we know about what's going on inside you, the better.

All of these ideas work both ways, so if you like my ideas, show your mate!
je.ne.sais.pas
sasygrrl i hear ya

me and the boy don't go anywhere really anymore. about once a month we'll go out to dinner and "dates" are rare. he thinks of great ideas but then when i remind him of it it's as if he lost interest all together.

i thought of something inexpensive even like making a picinic dinner before it starts getting dark early again and he seemed to like the idea, added that we could drink a little at this park he knows of blah blah..... that was over a month ago.

i buy him little surprises, things that i know he likes or needs and yet he gets a red bull and lotto ticket and won't bother grabbing a vitamin water for me.

just wanting to whine i suppose

i miss the way things were
auralpoison
Feel free to skip this rant because that's all it is.

Ya can't live with them, ya can't chop them up into little tiny pieces & tell the neighbors they moved to Palm Springs.

I love him, I really do. But his petulance lately has gotten out of hand. I know it's because he's disappointed that I'm still where I am & not with him. We had discussed my *really* moving in with him this time around, instead of my bugging out after a month & a half. I really thought I'd be way further with all of this & I'm not & he's disappointed because he seemed to think I'd be back & in "our" home by the Fourth of July. Needless to say, I wasn't. I really didn't expect to be gone this long & he's been remarkably patient, but the last few months he's been a real pain about the LDR thing even though we spend 3-5 days a month together. It's not like I'm in Iraq or something!

I took a BIG step a few weeks ago & introduced him to my family. I've NEVER done that before, NEVER. It was awkward & weird, but everyone seemed okay with it but him. He was distant & a little cranky. It was a shit weekend & we didn't part company on a happy note. However long later, I got this lovely necklace & a card & stuff & for some reason it kinda made me mad because he bought it A.) to assuage his guilt for being a dick & B.) because he doesn't like my current favorite necklace. It feels like he's just covering his ass & being self-serving to boot.

This is just so hard for us both. We have a really good rhythm together despite our glaring differences. Now that rhythm is all fucked up because I feel obligations to my family & my past.

Since December, three very formative people in my life died & I'm still not handling it well. I still have a lot to do. Early on our relationship, his last remaining uncle died. He went to PA off & on for a couple months & had that shit tied down. This is different for me. This is the dumping of my *parent's* home & belongings. This is my coming to terms with being an Adult orphan. Everyday I find something that makes me want to cry & I envy him his efficiency in TCB, but I just can't do that. I can't.

I'm really thinking that something has got to give, but I don't think it can be me this time around.
geekchickknits
((((auralpoison))))
neurotic.nelly
(((auralpoison)))
your rants are always interesting... hope everything works itself out, maybe he'll give a little this time.
ananke
An uncle (no matter how close) is different to a parent. He should understand that. And that's kinda shitty about the necklace, I always get pissed off when The MU buys me something/does something because he's feeling guilty (i.e. it's nice you're helping me with dinner, but do I have to point out that I do all the cooking an dhave been working six hour weeks and it isn't my fault our housemate is a slob to make you feel bad enough to help me?)

Me and The MU have been having more issues since my best friend moved in - she's a slob, and lazy, which makes us more inclined to be lazy. And neither of us do well with the nagging thing, so shit just ends up not being done until I spasm. Which pisses me off. But the biggest thing is that he's lonely here. I moved him away from everyone for my job and he's not handling it well - he tries, but he's never gonna be real happy here. So we end up not doing anything except noodle about online so he can talk to his mates. Which is okay to a certain extent. But we don't go out to dinner at all (even though we live in the foodie capital!) and we never ever ever go to the city. Part of that is living much further out that we did in the old city, but part is that he just gets demotivated by not having his friends/family around. I'm jazzed because I'm doing the work I love, and my best friend is down here. Not to mention I'm not the kind of person who gets overly attached or anything (I miss people and things and places, but not enough to make my lfe miserable - even the three months before he moved down were bad but not awful).

That all said, he is hygenic and clean, brings me hot water bottle when I cramp and is spending time with me tomorrow, so it isn't all bad...
ananke
Six DAY weeks...Christ. I'm not that much of a wilting flower...
auralpoison
Thanks, guys. This relationshit . . . I mean relationship stuff has really got me down.

And thanks, Ananke, for making me trust myself on this. I thought it was just me being a BFB. He's always been a gifty, romantic type of guy, but this latest thing just smacked of assholery. So I wear a razorblade pendant around my neck? He's always appreciated my sense of morbid whimsy until now, so WTF?

He's just always been so good! We've both engaged in things our partner didn't care for. He likes to watch birds & play golf, I went willingly & had a pretty good time. He went with me to First Fridays at the galleries (Meat Market!) & actually braved the hipsters at the Hi-Dive to see Art Brut with me. We've always been able to find the happy medium.

BUT.

He fought me tooth & nail when I came out to take care of my mom. We *both* knew it would fuck up my head (I had our final fight on speaker & my mother was feeling particularly cruel that day. PARTICULARLY CRUEL. Thankfully, I knew the game & her venom did little to me, but he was ready to throttle her.), but she was my mom & no matter how much I loathed her, I had to do what I had to do. He didn't understand why I'd give so much for somebody so mean because his folks were long dead, so he'd lost that love long ago. That uncle was his last tie to his former life in PA, so I can't discount it. He's been a lone wolf so long that he doesn't get it & he never will.

End rant.

I think we all knew you weren't stressing about six hour days. You're tougher than that, girlie!

Having a lazy roomate is helladrama & yeah, it makes you slack, too. I let a friend stay with me once & she was just gross. She went to work one day & I kept smelling this rancid sweet smell. I got fed up with it & cleaned while she was at work & found a couple of smelly, rotten cheese Danishes under her crap strewn cot. She also used to hang her dirty drawers on the doorknob of the closet I let her use!
sybarite
AP... my mister and I, after a lot of chaos, settled into a strong understanding of each other over the last year or so. Every issue we've had we've looked at and sorted out and I feel closer to him and happier with him than ever. I finally get what people are talking about when they say longterm relationships take work, but they evolve into this whole new thing. It's all good.

Except--I'm looking at jobs outside where we live, as in a 3 hour commute (door to door, with flights) and he is viscerally unhappy with this. We live in a small country with few jobs in my field and it makes sense for me to look abroad. I have tried to talk to him about this, explaining I would come home regularly, but his reaction is beyond simple unease. He refuses to look at the possibility; it's like he's covering his ears and going 'la la la' when I being it up.

I feel our relationship is so dense and rich that a geographical separation (which is relative, as I would be back regularly) couldn't be a dealbreaker, but he, I think, just feels the potential--unarticulated--of being somehow abandoned. He's not the most introspective of people despite being seriously bright: it's like he doesn't want to even allow for the possibility of me living somewhere else.

It's hypothetical right now, and nothing in my area moves fast, but I'm no spring chicken and would have to take a good opportunity if one were offered. His practical side sees this, but he can't somehow compute me living away from him. I find it exasperating because he won't talk this through.

But my dilemma is work-related--yours is so much more immediate. I'm really sorry he's being so resistant to you doing what you need to do. It really may be he's panicking, but you need what you need too.
Ronia D'Arc
Tonight I made a truly revolting dinner.

I started with pasta, and got that right, taking it out of the boiling water just before it was done, so that when I put it back on the stove with sauce and whatnot it would be able to soften up a little bit more, but then I went wrong by adding clam sauce and a can of smoked mussels and some Jarlsberg cheese and tomatoes.

The mussels were smoky and overpowering, and the whole thing was way too creamy and rich and gross--not one of my better concoctions.

I'm home alone with Sula and the dogs, Diablo and Astrid, and our cat, Lapis, and rabbit, Sapporo, although Sapporo is out in her cage, her very dirty cage that needs hay and cleaning and which is one of the 6 billion things in my life that fill me with guilt. Overall I think Sapporo has a better life than most domestic rabbits--she gets to hang out in the house regularly, and she gets a lot of love from the other animals--but it's also true that I neglect her, and all of them, often.

Today was a very strange day. During the first half, I felt like I was going to cry the whole time, and I was in this weird, extremely self-defensive mood. I thought everyone was talking about me and judging me, and I could honestly barely talk--when I did, my voice sounded all rusty and thick and unanimated, and I even noticed Muriel, my coworker, look over at me when I was on the phone trying to get the computer on the other end of the line to understand the word "representative."

I don't know what my problem was, but I'm thinking maybe partly PMS, because my boobs feel big and it seems like it's been about the right amount of time since my last menses (hideous word!), but I'm not the kind of person who writes the dates of her period on a calendar and I don't take the Pill these days, so it's always kind of a surprise...

I think I might have been going through some "emotional processing," as they say, about Johnny's drinking and the episode we went through last weekend, which was one of the very worst and maybe the most disturbing. On Friday, after having taken Antabuse (an oral medication that makes you very sick if consume alcohol) for three days, Johnny called to say he'd be working late and therefore staying the night in Ventura; when we talked again, around 10, I could tell he'd had something to drink, but I tried to stay calm and be glad he wasn't driving the 30 minutes home (along a long, dark, coastal highway). I managed to have a decent night, maybe because I more or less blocked out my feelings about his having drunk (after taking Antabuse, no less), and I woke up on Saturday morning at 8, expecting him to call any minute to say that he was just pulling into town.

I was mad at him, and I didn't call his cell phone for a while, but then I started getting worried--it was maybe 10 then--and I got even more worried when his phone went straight to voicemail, because that meant he hadn't turned it on, or it had run out of battery, or it was broken, or something. I couldn't imagine him sleeping at his friend's house so late, because they don't know each other that well and anyway I knew Johnny would be wanting to come home, so I figured that he must have gotten very sick from the Antabuse and was unable to call for some reason. I couldn't help wondering if he'd gotten into a car accident, or if he'd gotten a DUI and was in jail, or if he'd gotten into a fight, or if he'd been attacked somewhere.

While I was doing laundry I found a little bit of pot in this tinfoil pipe Johnny had made me, and although I threw a big hunk of pot down the toilet a few days ago because it was bringing me down, as usual, I decided to smoke this and see if it would cheer me up. It didn't, of course--it just made me more paranoid and alone-feeling--and by 11:45 I was thinking about calling my parents to tell them what was going on and ask them if they thought I had reason to worry, but then I heard the most beautiful, wonderful sound: the click of the latch on the driveway gate. I looked out the window and there was Johnny, safe and sound, and home, thank god, thank the good fucking lord he was home and not in the hospital or who knows where. I was so happy to see him that I didn't even feel angry, just very very relieved, and even more so when he told me that he'd been sleeping in our VW bus since some time in the early morning. I was happy about that because it meant he had been home all along, he had been near us and safe and I had had him close to me, especially when I watered the plants that morning (if only I had known--I would have enjoyed the watering because I wouldn't have been worrying the whole time).

He had driven home from Ventura some time in the night (drunk) and then met up with a friend in SB, gone to the friend's house, had something to drink there, driven to a bar, and then driven back to the friend's house, and then walked home.

All day Saturday Johnny lay in bed with the blinds down, reeking of alcohol and looking terrible, sick from the Antabuse (he said) but also obviously very hungover, so I couldn't talk to him about everything that had happened, and on Sunday he seemed fragile and quiet and I wanted some peace between us, some reconciliation or just togetherness without tension, so I didn't address the issue that day, either, which brought us to yesterday and today, during which I demanded that he find a couples therapist for us and during which I cried a lot and felt angry and sad and vulnerable and depressed and hopeless, but now, finally, better, and he called from Ventura three times today to report on his progress in finding us a therapist, and I still love him to death and want him home, and that's that for now.

-Ronia

P.S. Yes, I'm totally motherfucking pimping myself here. Want more? Please come to http://roniadarc.blogspot.com
auralpoison
Uh, no, we don't want more. I tried, I failed. YOUR BLOG SUCKS. YOU ARE ABOUT AS INTERESTING AS LINT! GO THE FUCK AWAY!
ananke
Oh Lord, that's a painful read. Really really painful.

Well, I got home after a conference, flying in and out in two days (my first conference presentation) and THEY HADN'T WASHED UP.

On top of that my family are jerks. At least the housemate and the partner cheered me up about that (particularly liked "fuck them, I'm your family bitch! *crumps*" from the housemate). I love them both, but damn they are slobs. Girlface isn't as bad as she could be (I lived with her for a while and it was getting to hoarding/squalor territory) but all three of us are pretty lazy and it just gets awful before we do anything. I'm nervous about the two weeks the partner and I are going to be away...
ananke
As for being a lone wolf - I tend to be that in my relationship, but you still have to allow for emotions. The partner does a lot for his family, and put up with a lot of shit I think is unacceptable. But he loves them (and misses them now we're half a country away) and that's how he does it.

I think what you did was admirable - not because it was or your other or any shit like that, but becuase you stood up and did what you think is right. That's what I admire.
datagirl
Hey guys!
It's been a very long time since I was on here.
I'm not sure if anyone even remembers me but apparently I'm a hardcore Busty from ages ago.
Anyway.Things are going ok.I finally released an album and am now on youtube.
Moving right along....

I'm sorta kinda in a relationship.After 2 years of three week boys here I am.
I met him on the net,he's a lawyer a largish guy but I think he's gorgoeus.He's outgoing and hillarious and puts on the best accents.
BUT.After a truly excellently romantic date he had to go and fall over and injure his shoulder.That was 2 weeks ago.He's in so much pain and has seen many specialists.He yells at me in pain when I ring him up.
Nothing I say is good enough.I know it's not me. So I've decided that instead of being yelled at everytime I call that I'll just leave him be until after the operation.It's really hard because our relationship was just starting to blossom. I think I could really love this guy (although we're polar opposites) I have sort of a hippy outlook and he lives his life like he's in a courtroom.Like he has to make sure that no one is screwing him over.We're both scorpios,the sex is intense and the convesations heated and challenging.
The pain of the injury has him emotionally blackmailing me sometimes.Saying that he's going to 'jump off something or take alot of tablets' yeah like they're even doing anything.
So our conversations are really hard now that his whole focus is just pain,pain,pain.Im prepared to stick by him though which is really out of my character.I just have to keep away from him while all this is going on.I know that sounds callous but I've offered alot of ideas that have just been shouted down.I'm really not taking this personally at all but he has shown a side of himself that I wouldn't be willing to tolerate if it was frequent but pain can make you go crazy if you don't know how to handle it.Something I know nothing about.
Persiflager
Hello! I'm tentatively crossing over from the crush thread to ask a question of wise long-timers....

When you first got together with your partner, were you scared? I've just started seeing someone that I'd liked for a long time, and things have moved pretty quickly (in very good ways!), but part of me wants to run away and hide in a small room. It just seems so silly, as there's nothing specific that I'm scared of, but I'm finding the emotions disorientating. My last relationship (lasted about a year, ended 6 months ago) was the opposite - it felt completely comfortable and natural at the beginning, but looking back our relationship was more that of really good friends who fancied the pants off each other than anything more romantic.

Am I being rather foolish?

Datagirl: How bad was this shoulder injury? It sounds like he's over-reacting, and it doesn't seem fair for him to take it out on you.
kittenb
datagirl - I don't think that you are being selfish. It sounds like you would be happy to help him if he would let you. Some people just do not like to taken care of when they are injured. You might even consider telling him why you are taking a step back. If he continues to yell at you, well, sometimes people also reveal their truest nature when they are in pain. Good luck.

Persiflager - I was terrified. Almost a year later, I still get nervous about it.
roseviolet
Datagirl, I don't know if you're asking for advice or what, but I must confess that your post sent up a lot of red flags for me. A lot. I can understand him being cranky & in pain, but it disturbs me that he seems to be taking this out on you.

If he's in so much pain that he is seriously considering suicide just to make it stop, then you should take him to an emergency room as soon as possible. If he's hurting that much he could have a very serious infection that really could kill him. However, if he refuses to go to the ER, then I think he should pull himself together enough to maintain a decent level of respect for friends and loved ones. This is not too much to ask. I'm not saying he has to be chipper & bubbly & happy all the time, but just because he injured his shoulder that doesn't mean he should injure his relationships, too.

Datagirl, I'm sorry if this sounds presumptuous, but when I read your post I got a very strong walking-on-eggshells feel from you. Is that how you feel around him right now? Do you feel afraid to say anything because you think it might set off his temper? Are you treating him with kid gloves, only to find that he's still spitting venom at you anyway? You see, I was in a relationship like that for a long time. I loved the man dearly, but I was also very afraid of his temper. I learned the hard way that I should have made a run for it back when my intuition told me to. I hope that I read things wrong & that you're not experiencing these things, but if you are ... well, listen to your intuition. This is not the last time this man will ever experience pain - physical or otherwise. At least you're learning now what you can expect from him later.


Persiflager, I think there are different types of anxiety. Sometimes it's really scary when we finally get the things we really really want because we're afraid of losing them. Could that be what you're feeling?
Persiflager
Thank you kittenb and roseviolet, that makes me feel better! I think I'm trying to predict how things will work out based on initial feelings, which I realise as I type it is just plain daft. Taking a deep breath and calming down.....

Ananke, how's your messy house situation?
sybarite
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konphusion26
My husband expressed to me that he feels left out of my life. Like he wants to get involved in the things I love and vice versa. Like a hobby or whatever. He wants us to be connected in ways other than sexual. That's the thing, I love the sexual part LOL I can't get enough. Maybe I have an addiction??? But he really feels like we don't do anything together outside of what goes on in the bed room. I can feel where he's coming from - we have to have more in common than sex. I agree.

We go to church and all that stuff together. We laugh, watch movies, etc. I guess we do spend alot of separate time on our computers too, or sitting in silence. And I find him standing behind me or peering over my shoulder alot trying to see what i'm up to. Which irks me LOL I understand where he's coming from. However, I don't think makeup, hair, clothes, and jewelry are things a man would be interested in- which are some things i'm into now.

My question is... have any of you busties had this problem with losing a connection with your spouse or significant other??? DO you have any suggestions on like hobbies for couples or something we can do to get that connection back? I'm a goober when it comes to this stuff.

HELP smile.gif

sorry for my rambling! you gals are the only folks i feel I can talk to...
bunnyb
(((sybarite))) I read your post on Friday night but didn't have time to reply. PM me any time you want to talk; if it's any consolation I don't see anything wrong in what you are doing and a lot of people -especially young professionals/academics- do the same in a general sense, if not with the same motivation /two pence.
datagirl
I guess I was looking for advice and to vent. Thanks Roseviolet and KittenB for your advice.
We patched things up.I told him that I wasn't going to accept his emotional (suicidal) manipulation.But you know what? I think we're just too different.He makes a joke of nearly everything that I'm interested in.I showed him some childhood photos of me with blond hair with my beloved labrador and he said 'so everything went downhill after that' meaning my hair.It's a fabulous deep red colour now!
He told me tonight when he 'just dropped around on his way home' that he sees everything in black and white.I said that if he's to look at the world like that that it's going to be a very difficult life for him.
Then I said that he makes a joke of everything that I am.My interest in organics and animal welfare and the fact that I don't view life like a court case needing to be won.
Then he left saying that he'll talk to me later.
My depression and self harm always seem to be triggered whenever I get into a 'relationship'.After he left I got out my tin.I failed at that too.
I feel so low right now thinking that I'm one of those people who are supose to be alone and that I'll never be compatible with anyone.
I then went out on my balcony,smoked a cigarette and listened to the far off traffic.It was comforting somehow.
LoveMyPugs
konphusion26 - I feel this way too with Mr. Pugs.

Monday I have work and when I get home I cook and clean and if we are lucky we watch a movie on the couch and go to bed early TO HAVE SEX.

Tuesday he leaves early and I sleep in. Then I have school while he's at work. After he's done work he goes to his mom's for dinner then off to bowling. If I get out of school on time and I don't have anything to do at home I meet him at his mom's for dinner then I watch him bowl and we get home late and go to bed.

Wednesday, again he leaves early for work, I sleep in then go to school. At night he's home watching tv or helping around the house and I go to my parents for dinner and then to church for Wed night service. I get home semi late and we usually watch a movie in bed and go to bed a little bit early.

Thursday, mirrors Tuesday except we come home for dinner and then we go to his other bowling league and we get home even later, getting to bed even later.

Friday we both work but I leave early in the morning. By the time we both get home we are both wiped out from the day and the week. I cook dinner, maybe clean a bit then we watch a movie or have my sister down or friends over and we both go to bed early.

Saturday is clean, visit or have visitors day. We always try to make time for each other. Definately have sex, get some housework done and maybe see friends.

Sunday is a spiritual day for me now. We both go to Sunday school together at 10 a.m. and service at 11 a.m. and usually don't get out of there until 12:15. Then I'm taking to Bible courses Sunday nights from 5 - 7 p.m. He's usually home doing some housework or playing video games. We'll try to have sex before church in the morning or before I go to my night classes.

Lately it seems like:

I am (in this order)
Christian
Student
Employee
Lover
Friend
Woman

I feel as thought I've found myself more so in the last three months then ever in my whole life but also that I'm running a rat race and getting no where. I'm exhausted but not tired. I feel sucked into myself and distant from the world. It's very strange and it scares the crap out of me. I feel misunderstood and a bit lost and yet found. I know I make no sense and I'm sorry. I have this schedule where I have down time and I have things I'm involved in and I'm needed, appreciated and admired but my life feels like a mess. Is this success? Okay, I'm just blabbing now and I haven't been on bust nearly enough lately to just drop a bomb of a post like this one and expect support. Sorry...

sybarite
Thanks bunnyb--your 2 pence was really good to read. We've got some sorting out to do and I have some sorting out of my own to do, but it was good to hear your words of wisdom.

Datagirl, I don't believe anyone is 'meant to be alone' unless they want to be. I don't like the way this guy seems to belittle things that are important to you; it's well worth it to hold out for someone who can respect your interests and priorities.

I have no good advice about creating opportunities for more togetherness with your other half right now, although I do empathise. I personally need a lot of alone time though, so spending time doing separate things in the house hasn't felt like a problem for me. However I do think it's important not to lose sight of spending solid time together doing things as a couple, whatever your preferred activities may be (sex included!)
kittenb
konphusion - brace yourself for the cliche I am about to drop here. Have you considered taking a class with your man? Maybe dancing or massage. Something where you will be touching each other and having fun in each other company but isn't simply sex. Try something that you don't know you will be good at. Be goofy. If he is actually sharing that he wants to spend more time with you, he has probably been thinking it for a long time.

LMP - I can't tell if you think your current situation is problematic or not so I have nothing to add. That would be a lot of bowling for me.

datagirl - I want to hesitate to be all Dan Savage about this but DTMFA! You deserve so much more than him. No one has the right to laugh at you and belittle your interests. And fuck that about mocking your hair. Who the hell does he think he is? You have too much going on in your life to deal with his bullshit. I am sorry if I come off as bossy and pushy. I just hate seeing you made to feel so bad about yourself.
konphusion26
Well ladies, I appreciate all of the support. I really do. The hubby and I have since resolved our issue. We've been talking alot the last few days about different things we can do together. I hope this works. LOL Not just to reconnect, but so I can get some!!! LOL Hormones are raging. HAHAH

Love you gals.

((((LMP)))) haven't heard from you in a while sweetie!!
je.ne.sais.pas
my fiancee and i are planning our break-up. sounds odd. the bottom line is that we just don't work anymore, we've grown apart and now argue over everything and anything.

here's the story:

we started dating exculsively june of 07, we got engaged in march, moved in together in may, to my apartment, with my 11 year old son. in july my father -in-law to be then offered us an amazing deal on one of the homes he owns, the kicker was it was 45 minutes north. it was summer break for my son and i figured at least he'd be starting middle school somewhere new and not in the middle of the school year, i would have to drive far for school but i am graduating in december (cosmetology school)

now here we are in october, and we can't get along, i now am no longer receiving unemployment like i was when i lived on my own nor is my son's dad working (how convenient) so child support isn't even coming my way. i work part time in cosmetics and am going to school 35 hours a week. the plan is i get my license and start working in a salon by january so that i can move myself and my kiddo out. it's so sad, i feel so empty and broken yet angry too for my choices. but why shouldn't i have followed my heart?? we were in love and wanted to progress and make steps to be our new family.

i wish there was some other way, but there just isn't.

i just needed to get this all out and maybe see what you guys think
thirtiesgirl
Hugs, je.ne.sais.pas. Sounds like a tough situation.
auralpoison
(((((je.ne.sais.pas)))))

Kittenb, I don't think that's cliche at all, I think it's just brills. Good luck to Kon!

Now here is a cliche: Data, hon, have you considered just being single for awhile? I remember what you went through with that shitty man/boy Frenchman. And various other fellas that didn't respect your worth as a person. Maybe you just need some time to yourself for a bit? Refresh, reassess, reprioritize? Especially if this causing a spike in your cutting. I know the stress of all this has me picking like mad!

I really don't know where this is going anymore. We had such a good routine going. I bowled on Mondays, we'd have dinner/sex on Wed, he played poker on Fridays, & I spent the night on Saturday & we'd have a lazy Sunday doing whatever.

I guess the beginning of the stress actually started *before* the whole moving away thing. It was the moving in thing that started the problems. I moved into *his* space & just couldn't hack it. He gave me my own room & everything, but it was weird being home all day working & then performing as a girlfriend every other waking minute after he got home. I'm an only child, I need *my* space. And it would hurt his feelings when I'd retreat into my room for hours at a time just because I needed to. So I left after explaining that I wasn't ready to move into somebody else's space & that if we wanted to live together we'd need to find a new place for both of us.

Then this whole thing with my mom & moving to TCB threw a monkey wrench into things. He'd come once a month to visit, I'd been back a few times to see him. In the beginning it was okay, but after awhile it became fraught with tension.

We pretty much broke up a couple weeks ago, but I started trippin' last Thursday & he came to the rescue. I really hadn't expected that. I know how mad he was at me, but he came anyway. He's never been here for this long & it's like nothing ever happened. No tight-voiced arguments, no bitterness, no recrimination, no tears. He's in the shower as I type this.

Next week we're going away for a bit to see if we can't figure things out. I think we will. When we WORK we WORK. When we don't . . . it's like two wet cats in a sack. At least I'm optomistic about things. I really think we just need some time to sort out what we both want from this. I may have to get sand in my ass crack/sun pink cheeked to do it, but it's a small price to pay.
kittenb
{{{ap}}} Best of luck! Have lots of fun and relaxation.

So, this might suprise people but I have a really hard time expressing pure anger at people that I care about. For me, fighting equals leaving. I know that is terribly immature but I just freeze up when I really want to blow up, even when I am pretty sure I am justified in blowing. If I do decide to approach a possible argument, I try to pick the most logical, least threatening way possible. I can be annoying since sometimes I want to be illogical and mad.

So, along came Friday night. The Geek and I had decided to get together after he got off work. At around 6 PM I sent him a text asking when to expect him. He text'ed back that he was having a drink with a coworker and was coming by later. Since we had also planned to dinner when he came by this was annoying.
I was watching Mad Men and all of the sudden I realized tht I felt like Betty Draper, sitting at home waiting for her man to show (I had spent the whole day cleaning and doing laundry.) Now, I was really tired on Friday and had to work early on Saturday. Had he at any point on Friday sent me a message that he wanted to do drinks w/friends, I would have said fine, don't worry about coming over tonight, I think it will be a 9 PM bed time for me anyway. But, as it was, he didn't get to my house until 8:30 at night. And I yelled at him. Well, sort of. I definetly raised my voice, making it clear that at any point in the day he could have told me that he was going to be late and we had talked before about how I hate when he is late (especially and hour and a half after the time that I expected him.) He seemed suprised that I was that upset but he apologized and admitted he should have sent me a message (I know that if I hadn't sent him the text at 6, he wouldn't have thought to text me until he was on his way.)

So, while I don't think I am going to make yelling at him my new hobby, I am proud that I was able to really express myself the way that I wanted (loudly) without it falling into a nasty argument. smile.gif

Does this make sense?
hcbeck
QUOTE(kittenb @ Oct 19 2008, 02:57 PM) *
If I do decide to approach a possible argument, I try to pick the most logical, least threatening way possible.
...
I yelled at him. Well, sort of. I definetly raised my voice, making it clear that at any point in the day he could have told me that he was going to be late and we had talked before about how I hate when he is late.
...
Does this make sense?


This makes sense and sounds great to me.

In my experience, you'll have to be clear with him a few times more. It is more likely that he'll get the message that way...
je.ne.sais.pas
kittenb: how nice it is to feel assertive smile.gif i myself personally can only seem to be furious or internalize or my feelings so hooray for you!!!!!!!!


Laurenzorro
Hi Ladies
I have been married for 8 months now and I have to say....it's a lot harder than I imagined! Me and the hub have a ten year gap...me being 19....and this is my first relationship. Not long after we got married I discontinued use of antidepressant medication and my sanity went pretty downhill for a good 6 months. This put a huge strain on our marriage as we also moved country to follow his dream and further his ever evolving musical lifestyle and band.

I have always been a shy person and have never been comfortable expressing my true feelings. To ANYONE. I feel selfish for wanting things to happen my way, whether it's asking him to come to bed with me (he's a night owl) or asking to have the music turned down because I'm not feeling well. I don't expect him to read my mind and I am always so disappointed in myself when I don't let my feelings known...I go without sex for weeks because I can't bring myself to tell him in real actual english words that I am in fact feeling dis-satisfied sexually. I am forever compromising my happiness so that I don't upset someone else by getting what I want.....NEED.

I feel as though I am still getting to know myself and cannot be asked to explain the inner workings of my mind to anyone else because I don't know what they are myself. Mr is very open and matter-of-fact about his feelings and doesn't understand why I can't just be honest....with myself as well as him. I find myself pretending to be fine even though he see's right through me.

I have fears that we have become too close. I can already see that others needs are being put before mine because he naturally assumes that if I have a problem I will go to him and is not interested in asking me if I am okay every half hour because he knows I won't. I am still struggling settling into a new city even though all my friends are around me and I feel like the stress of the move has been doubled (if not more) by the emotional and psychological issues I have faced in the last few months.

I am so in love with him and want nothing more than to make this work! I am just struggling to know how
Any advise from long-termers would be amazing!

(sorry for the long rant.....it got away with itself!!)
Laurenzorro
On a lighter update, since posting this I have been feeling amazing about my marriage! I suppose it just goes to show how good it is to open up and write it down/talk it out.
So we've had a few little talks about communicating better so that we can grow together as a couple instead of playing the guessing game.
We went out to see a band play a few nights ago and realized when we got there that we didn't know anyone else there so were forced to make the most of the situation. We ended up having a GREAT night and walked all the way home talking, holding hands and laughing. There was no rush to get home and we were just enjoying each others company....yay!

Go Bust!
roseviolet
Laurenzorro, I didn't see your original post until just now. Sorry I didn't get to comment on it when you first posted it a few days ago, but I'm glad to hear that things are improving!. Sounds like you've had a very eventful year, what with getting married and moving and everything. I also had to move during my fist year of marriage, so I know how stressful that can be!
crinoline
I'm glad things are looking up for you!

Well, I've always been of the "count your blessings" camp of relationships. Sure, my boy bought me a box of cake mix rather than an actual cake for my birthday, but at least he would never cheat on me (he's far too lazy / shy).

Lately though, we've been having problems with communication. My boy literally hates to talk. His lack of response /willing communication is what caused us to break up (yes I dumped him heinously, it was not a proud moment) in high school. We've worked on it continuously this time around, but having a conversation with him is like pulling teeth. This lack of communication has caused me to feel increasingly isolated. I've begun to worry, as we get older and marriage begins to be a viable option, that I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life with no one to talk to. It seems like a very lonely existence to me.
I've confronted him with this. Recently, a mutual friend of ours was attacked, a friend of his since he was a child and a close friend of mine now. His response to the incident was kind of a "well, that's too bad" *instantly returns to video game* wtf!? I don't understand how he can have such a casual response. I was crying over this later and he asked me why it bothered me so much, since it didn't happen to me. So I'm only supposed to care about myself?
I asked him if he would talk about it with me and he just flat out said "no". I was forced to apply for counseling just because I NEED someone to talk to who won't be uncomfortable and trying to escape the whole time.
Every conversation we have I feel like he can't wait to get out of it. He gives monosyllabic responses and offers NO contributions to (any) conversation not directly related to his interests in computers, cars, economics, or videogames.
Another thing that is indescribably frustrating to me is that EVERY time I ask him what he's thinking about, he says "nothing" . I understand that sometimes that's true for guys, but there is no way that an intelligent man could always be thinking of "nothing". When I forced him into a conversation about why that bothers me he said "I just like to keep my thoughts private." I'm okay with that, except that he keeps ALL of his thoughts private.

I wish we could sit at a table without silence or me trying to corner him into conversing with me, tripping over obstacles of yes and no answers and sighs of discomfort. I wish he would just talk to me, casually, about anything that we can both make contributions to.
I'm just so damn lonely.

Any communication advice?
geekchickknits
QUOTE(crinoline @ Nov 7 2008, 04:54 PM) *
Any communication advice?


It's pretty artsy-fartsy, but if he's game for it, give non-verbal communication a try. Try to have a conversation without words. I don't mean charades, etc but to express yourselves through action, and eye contact. When you were trying to talk to him about what was upsetting you, was his body turned toward you? Did he look you in the ye? Did he comfort you physically? It may be very difficult for him to express himself verbally, so maybe if you work on the non-verbal communication, it will eventually find his way to words.

The other thing I would suggest is that when you need to talk though something, ask him just to listen. Explain that you need to talk through something, and you don't need him to say anythings, but you do need him to be present, look you in the eyes, and maybe offer you physical comfort.

Most importantly, when there is a time when he communicates well with you, let him know how much you appreciate it. Just like animals and children, it's all about consistancy, and positive reinforcement.
ananke
The MU doesn't like talking much, but he understands that it is vitally important in a relationship. Not in the 'we have to talk about us' but talking about stuff in general. Sometimes our shared interests, sometimes random shit (this morning we discussed Winston Churchill, his resemblance to babies, WWII and the state of education in Australia), sometimes only one of our interests (apparently Warhammer has better shielding than WoW...)

That said, there are some things he won't talk about it. Back when we were discussing getting pregnant, I said that I wouldn't get an abortion for birth defects, except for some of the rarer Trisomy disorders, things like that. He stopped the conversation because he was absolutely unable to continue through the tears. Part of that is his increibly vivid imagination, part of it is his (really fucking annoying) tendency to not plan until the last moment. Which is a step up from my totally non-planning parents, but still infuriating sometimes.

I guess what I'm saying is that you've got to work out why he won't talk with you, unless it benefits him. My totally biased feeling is that he's being incredibly selfish and self-involved. Which doesn't lead to anything resembling a real relationship. Because listening requires conversation (on a wider scale - sometimes there is nothing to say but 'uh huh' but other times it requires questions and answers and commiseration) but I would be really really worried about a total lack of empathy. Honestly worried. Because the reaction to someone you know being attacked should not be 'why are you sad, it wasn't you'. That's really horrifying. Like getting him assessed horrifying. Because that lack of empathy is not in the normal range - that's approaching either autism or sociopathy* not being a gamer, or a man.

I've got very little time for people who insist that's the way they are and things don't change though. Not when they insist they love someone, and their behaviour is damaging to that person. The MU has a tendency to make a joke out of everything - works well in large social situations, caused some major fights and breakdowns when we were having intimate discussions. So he learnt to moderate that, and I learnt to tell him he was being a dick instead of feeling like he was dismissing my feelings. Good old compromise. It doesn't sound like there is any compromise going on at all, just you adapting and getting hurt.

*I'm not saying they're the same thing, just that lack of empathy happens in both cases, with different outcomes. And I can't think of anything else that would result in not understanding feeling sad a friend was assaulted.
crinoline
ananke - thank you for your response. He can be a little selfish (for instance, a big concern of his this election was the capital gains tax, because "one day" he plans to have a lot of money just like his parents - Republican tendencies anyone? He did go for Obama in the end, though) but he is definitely not suffering from a psychosis or mental condition (I'm a psych major btw) . I was struck by his apparent lack of empathy for our friend in the situation, but it is only an "apparent" lack. He is very good at hiding his feelings.
I guess I'm just upset that he hides so much from me, so it is difficult to read him. He can be really caring, but has difficulty showing it.
Oh, and he will also talk about WarHammer vs WoW, it falls on the short list of "interests".

geekchick - thanks for the suggestion, I can be a little artsy fartsy anyway, so don't be shy! He is actually MUCH better at non-verbal communication. It's a large part of what brings us together. When we go to a restaurant, he'll be completely silent the whole time, but will be constantly touching me in subtle ways. On the one hand, it drives me bonkers that he won't converse with me, on the other hand, he's very sweet.
He holds me when I cry, but he doesn't want to talk about it. This may be TMI, but since I've been so upset lately, the sex has been very tender, with lots of eye contact.

You're right that I should be reinforcing when he does speak willingly. I always hold my breath when he makes a contribution because I'm afraid to interrupt and spoil it. Maybe I'll print out reward coupons or something... I did train him to load the dishwasher for my Operant conditioning project in Behaviorism.
roseviolet
Crinoline, how old are you? How long have you been with this guy? How long has it been since you broke up with him in high school? Why did you get back together? Have you had any other boyfriends?

I totally agree with Ananke. This man shows signs that he is totally lacking in sympathy. He is unaffected by the pain of others - even friends he's known all of his life. He's only willing to talk about things that interest him. When you asked him if he was willing to discuss something that was extremely important to you, his response was a flat-out, "No." I would love to know when he last asked you about your day & showed genuine interest in your response.

I think there comes a time in one's life, when you begin to grasp that relationships are about much more than liking the same music and movies or having the same group of friends or coming from the same town. At that time, one begins to realize that if you want to have a partner, you need them to match certain priorities. Crinoline, based on what you've said and based on your interest in psychology, it sounds like it is a major priority for you to have a partner who freely, openly wishes to talk with you in depth on personal matters. I don't think your current boyfriend is ever going to be that guy. Luckily, there are men like that in the world if you want to go out and find one.

What has your therapist said about this situation? Anything at all?
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