Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: Committed, Part 2
The BUST Lounge > Forums > The Mating Game
Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31
little_idiot
...
lex
To be honest little idiot, I'm not sure why you are tempting yourself by hanging out with him again. He doesn't really seem worth the possibility of jeopardizing your marriage. You've acknowledged a pattern of being unfaithful when you freak out about making a commitment, and it seems like you're falling into the same pattern. Personally I would stay away from him altogether instead of having a conversation with him about your worries. From the text messages and poem, it seems like he's trying to tempt you away from your fiancé, and you need to be the one to be strong and tell him that nothing can happen instead of asking him for reassurance about everyting. You have more at stake than he does.
roseviolet
I agree with Lex.
Again, LI, I urge you to put as much space between yourself and this man as possible. Don't respond to his text messages. Don't answer any calls to your cell phone. Keep the relationship professional. And if you absolutely have to talk to him, be sure to bring up your fiance. Often. Repeatedly. Protect yourself and your relationship. You don't need to explain anything to the other man. Just put space there before you do something that will break your fiance's heart. If you truly love your fiance, you will do this for him.

Then again, maybe the problem is you. Maybe you aren't mature enough to enter into marriage. Maybe it's time for you to look over the marriage vows you intend to take and see if you can truly commit to what those vows ask of you.
little_idiot
Sorry about this--don't know how to delete a post.
roseviolet
Hooray for epiphanies!!!! Lovely things, aren't they? Gotta love that "Ah ha!" moment. Granted, I still think it's better to put some space between you and The Boy, but I'm glad that you're feeling better and stronger and happier about your life. That's all we really want. smile.gif

You know, LI, looking at marital vows may actually bring you some comfort and focus. When Sheff and I started writing our wedding vows, I felt that it was a great way for us to really get our hands dirty and discuss what we really expected from our relationship and what this commitment meant to us. It was very moving and sweet. We found a book at Borders with lots of examples of different wedding vows & took ideas from that to create our own. Sometimes when I'm feeling low, I like to read over our vows. It always makes me smile.

I can understand your fear, though. A friend of mine married a Russian guy & didn't even look at the vows before the wedding day. Then she found herself up there, standing in front of friends & family, & discovered that the vows required her to submit to her husband! Submit! And there was all kinds of language in there that she totally didn't expect. This is why you need to read the contract before you sign it, sweetie. Even, better, write tthe contract yourself! wink.gif
maddy29
Not sure where to ask this-but I'm wondering what the benefits of marriage are. Like, what are the privileges that married people are entitled to, that single people aren't?

My parents met my boyfriend's parents this weekend. WE don't want to get married or have kids. We just want to be together. But my mom was pressuring me a bit about the benefits of marriage-some were more social (gives you a certain status among adults) and some were financial (health insurance) and others were stuff like-getting to go into the hospital room if he is sick-if we aren't married, i'm not allowed to see him.

Myabe we've already talked about this, or is there some list?

http://www.pflag.org/Rights__Priviledges_a...iage.175.0.html

answered my own question.

this also really reminds me why i don't want to get married and take all these privileges that are allowed to me only because i'm straight.
lawnpigeon
Crap that's a long list, maddy. How depressing.
roseviolet
I know a couple who had been together for years, but hadn't gotten married. Then one night while she was out of town on business, he (Richard) was murdered by a burgler. It was such a devastating event. But Richard's family was not at ALL sensitive to her situation. In fact, they blamed the whole thing on her son (a young man whom Richard loved very dearly). They did not even allow her to attend the wake. And this was not a new couple; they'd been together for a decade. Such a nightmare. And such a wake-up call for the rest of us.

I think each married couple has their own unique reasons for getting married. Each relationship is unique, so they have to define what marriage means to them. But the bottom line is that you have to want to get married. If you don't want to do it, then don't do it. It's just too big of a decision to be pressured into it. I felt strongly about that before, but now that I'm married myself, I feel even more strongly about it. It's a very big & very intimate decision. And because of the the intimate nature of it, I feel that NO ONE has a right to tell you whether you should or should not get married. Not even the government.
nickclick
QUOTE(roseviolet @ Feb 22 2007, 10:56 AM) *

And because of the the intimate nature of it, I feel that NO ONE has a right to tell you whether you should or should not get married. Not even the government.

especially the govt! but unfortunately because of all these legal benefits, as maddy pointed out, we've got to fight hard for everybody to be entitled to them.

the big fight here in NJ is over the terminology of the recent legality (yes!) of 'civil unions.' they offer the same (although state only) legal benefits of marriages, but 'marriage' and 'wedding' connotate something religious i guess? so they okay'ed 'civil unions' and 'ceremonies.' but since we're only talking about legal benefits, and there's this supposed separation of church and state, shouldn't all 'marriages' be civil unions under law?
maddy29
yeah, i've been thinking about this a lot this week-between my parent's pressuring, my friend's engagement, and this class i'm taking. i think that for me, i've done everything reallly slowly and that's how me and my boy like it. we'll have been together for 3 years + by the time we move in together. that's a HUGE step for us-a big commitment. there is no way either of us would be ready to get married for at least like, 5 years, i'd think.

but really, the only reason i think of it at all is because of other people. if i think about what I want, i just want to have my best friend and live with him and have a life with him. i don't really feel the need to broadcast it to everyone, don't want to join our finances or anything, don't want kids, etc etc. we both have jobs with health insurance and stuff.

it's just weird to me that some people can decide after 3 months, or 1 year, or whatever to get married. to me it seems like such a HUGE thing! just like having kids is such a huuuuuge thing-not a decision to take lightly. but for some people they just want to be married-it feels great and secure and i don't even know what else. but it's not for me, at least not for a long time.

i do think that marriage means something different for everyone-maybe that's what makes all of this so complicated. with the benefit thing i get so mad, cause it's just so clearly discrimination and trying to keep resources from certain people. it's bs.

lots of people have weddings that aren't religious, so that makes no sense to me, nickclick. they should just call it a heterosexual marriage-if they are SO worried about making sure that their precious marriage is somehow defined differently than those gay freaks! they don't want their precious marriage club to be soiled by gay people. grrrr.
roseviolet
Maddy, I'm sorry to hear that you feel pressured by your parents. I have always been REALLY really stubborn. And whenever anyone tried to push me into anything I always pushed back very strongly. I know that side of my personality doesn't come out on-line very much, but it's definitely there! biggrin.gif Anyway, my parents learned that if they hinted that I should get married, that pretty much would guarantee that it wouldn't happen. I think when they learned this, they also were forced to realize that my life is my life. Not theirs. When I want their advice, I'll certainly ask for it (and I do from time to time). But the rest of the time, I just want their love & support. It all works out. Maybe you need to teach your parents the same lesson.

Anyway, I think the slow road is a very good road to take. You have to go at your own speed. You have to do what feels best for you and your partner.

Personally, I enjoy being married. The wedding was super stressful, but there's a big difference between a wedding and a marriage and I really love our marriage. As stereotypical as it sounds, being married makes me feel more grounded & more comfortable. I feel that we are a family of our very own. And at the same time, I feel respected as an individual. I even kept my own name. I know that for some, marriage fells like a jail cell. But it's not that way for us at all. Your marriage can be whatever you want it to be; a lot of Busties have proven that.

As for the government's intrusion of marriage & the benefits of married couples, I totally agree. And I agree even more strongly now that I've gotten married myself. Marriage is soooo deeply personal & I don't think the government should be poking their nose in it & legislating who can & cannot be married (and the various benefits that come with it). Of course, I felt this more intimatly than most since I married a foreigner. There's nothing like the anxiety of knowing that some immigration officer you've never met before can spend 5 minutes with you & judge whether your partner can stay with you or not. dry.gif
LoveMyPugs
Dear Busties,

I’m going crazy. I’m just going fucking crazy. I hate myself and what I’m doing to Mr. Pug and me. I think he doesn’t want to be home with me because he constantly feels like he’s not making me happy. He thinks he has to jump through hoops for me. I don’t think I’m making him happy either. He just wants to work, come home to dinner cooked, house cleaned and me willing to do whatever he wants; whether that be watch a movie with him or let him play playstation and keep myself occupied. You know what? This is what I want as well. I want to come home to dinner cooked, house cleaned and him ready to do what I want. We both want the same things so why can’t we just come together and work to achieve these goals. Why do I always feel like I’m the only one working to make things better? Why am I always communicating, talking to people and reading books? Why do I always change myself to what I think he wants? Why can’t I just disconnect like Ryan does? Maybe I want different things. Maybe someone else can make me happy. Maybe he’s right and it’s all just me. Maybe I’m right and it’s all just him. Maybe it’s both of us and we are both to stubborn to admit that we are both wrong. I’m really fantasizing about leaving him lately. Going out and getting a job and my own apartment; being alone. I feel alone now. I’m ready to disconnect and refind myself. Maybe we were too young. Maybe I’m too young. I’m so sad and miserable. I hate feeling this way. Why do I worry about us? We’ve been through so much and we’ve persevered. I think maybe it’s over. I think maybe I’m done. I’ve had enough and things aren’t going to change no matter how many self help books I read or how many therapists I talk to. He is who he is and I’m who I am and there is no changing anything. I just don’t want to give up yet. I don’t want to let him go but I don’t know what else to do. God damn why are relationships such hard work.

((((((((((Please Help!))))))))))

Pugs
nickclick
dear (((pugs)))),

oh dear. have you and mr.p talked about all this? does he really think he's not making you happy? maybe you should alternate cooking dinner for each other, and enjoy your alone 'veg' time, definitely once in a while, or more often at least for a while. do you often have time apart other than work? how long have you lived together? give us some details.

love, nick
tankgirl
pugs

it sounds like you and mr just need some time apart, maybe to realize your true feelings for one another. if you think that you are the only one communicating and trying to solve your relationship issues, maybe you are right, maybe you are. but it makes mee wonder if you truely know how the mr deals with stressful situations.

i had a similar experience, boy and i were haveing some issues dealing with stress in general and our relationship was suffering a bit and neither of us were completely happy. i was trying and tying to find reasons, communicate, blame myself...anything i thought would make the situation better.

in the end, even though he had told me and i thought i understood that when hes dealing with stress he shuts his feelings off for a day or two until he can deal with them with a clear head, i guess it just didnt click that time. i was so worried that the relationship i was so happy in was going to end abruptly and without real reason that i literally forgot how to deal. me and my boy handle our stresses and sadness very differently, as do a lot of couples. the key is to let each other deal. work things out in their head they way that they feel comfortable, leave some space, then deal with the situation from a fresh perspective.

maybe that will help you a little bit pugs, i dont know. relationships really do suck sometimes, and you just need to put things into perspective and do whats right for both of you. be a little selfish to make yourself better without compramising the relationship and his feelings.
veghead
So, the bf and I have been together a little more than a year and living together since last August. The past few months (since about Christmas time), I have had pretty much no sex drive. MAYBE once a month. He has been a little frustrated by this, which is completely understandable, and we've talked it through, he's being quite understanding. Before this, my appetite had been pretty insatiable, so I'm fairly sure it's tied in with some emotional issues. Hell if I know what they are, but I know they're there. Anyhow, these days I've been getting more and more frustrated. He doesn't touch me because it turns him on, I don't even have a chance to get turned on because we don't touch. Vicious cycle. Then I feel neglected and snap at him, or ignore him, and he gets mad at me.

Basically, I needed to pour my heart out, and you (all) are my lucky victims. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for listening.

ETA: sorry for killing the thread.
maddy29
hey there veghead- i'm in a place right now where i just don't want sex. it's been a few weeks. and i just don't want it. i don't know exactly why, but it is weird and frustrating. i feel kinda guilty about it, even though my boyfriend is great about it-no pressure or anything. i'm just kinda waiting until i feel like it more.

is it that you don't want sex, or you don't want anything sexual? cause i just really don't want any penetration right now, but i'm cool with kissing and fooling around-just not sex.
veghead
anything sexual. nonsexual snuggling, touching, etc is ok, but any attempt at sexual stuff has been kind of freaking me out. i've been waiting (and waiting) and hopefully it'll resolve itself soon.. i can't think of a particular thing that started it, so maybe it'll just go away on its own? who knows. crossing my fingers though

has anything like this happened to you before? i mean, i know it's normal to go through highs and lows, but at what point does it become abnormal?
maddy29
well, i'm an incest survivor so i do go through periods of being completely repulsed by sex-esp penetration. and i get depressed which lowers my sex drive. and i'm on anti-depressants which lower my sex drive. so between all that, god, i'm surprised i ever feel like sex!

For me, what I've found is that if I tell my boyfriend-hey, I've been feeling really not into sex, so can we just not do it for awhile? And then he knows that stuff is up for me, I"m not rejecting him, but I just have stuff going on. That makes me feel much better and not stressed. That way, I can enjoy the snuggling and comfort and not worry about where it might lead. Or worry that I'll have to reject him.

It is very frustrating though, I hear ya.


so you describe yourself as being insatiable before-what does that mean/look like? it was never enough? you did it 5 times a day? just curious-because that is a big change. did you start any new medications or are you under any newish stress?

if it was some underlying emotional issue, and you just had to make a crazy wild guess-what would your guesses be? just anything- throw out some guesses.

do you masturbate? are you still into that? is it just partner sex?
veghead
talking definitely helps, and i'm glad i have talked with the boy
by insatiable, i mean that i wanted it every day, and i'd constantly bug the bf about it. if we did it every time i wanted to, i'd be in pain. no new meds, no new stress really.
my guesses as to what could've caused it would be
a) the boy and i will be living 12+ hours apart after the summer, and i tend to try to separate myself from people i care about before they can hurt me when separation is impending
cool.gif i think i use sex as insurance in a relationship, to keep him interested.. maybe i've become so secure in this one that i don't feel like i need that insurance. or maybe it's just gotten old
and yea, it's just partner sex that i'm not interested in. my fantasies have been richer than ever, although not often heterosexual.
aliboo
Mr. Boo & I had a big discussion about our communications styles which was the largest issue. We found that we had been dodging certain topics around each other in fear of causing the other one distress. Something we definitely should not have been doing!

Now I will admit, I can be a terribly emotional person at times, especially when it comes to discussing those issues which can bring out emotions and make it more difficult to be rational. I can generally do well when it it comes to being rational but I can't help it if my emotions lead me to crying or looking visibly upset. I don't do this to hurt him and it doesn't mean that I cannot think anymore clearly about the issue. But whenever he sees me upset he feels that it is automatically his fault when it is not. I explained this to him.

We have vastly different communication styles. An issue we are dealing with. I feel more confident now since what we went through earlier this month with the big discussion that we can be more open with each other.
After all we definitely should be able to discuss anything!

maddy29
veghead-you definitely just answered your own questions!

i hear ya about sex as insurance. i hate that! i mean i hate that i feel like that, but i've realized sometimes i do.

considering you'll be living that far apart-makes a lot of sense to me. and it also sounds like you are exploring some new stuff in your fantasies. Makes a whole lot of sense to me that partner sex wouldn't be all that exciting seeming.

aliboo-i totally am seeing that in myself too-fear of bringing up certain things-and i know he does the same thing too! gah. it's hard-long term relationships.

i've been distant lately, not sure why, but he's been feeling it a lot and is hurt by it. i don't know what's been goign on, other than i've been feeling kinda numbish lately.
bustygirl
About a year after Eddie and I started dating, I went through a freakout period where my libido dropped to nothing, and I was no longer sexually interested in him. I tried to be as honest as I could, but it was hard on both of us.

It passed on its own, and was gone completely within about 2-3 weeks. It's only noticeable because it was so sudden. Literally one day we were normal, and the next I couldn't imagine ever having sex with him again.

I don't know if it was physical or psychological; it never happened again, but it was fairly scary at the time.

We take for granted that our libidos are supposed to be on a pretty even keel, but anything can affect it, from hormones to weather to sleep deprivation to stress to problems in the relationship to the foods we eat to self esteem problems to depression. And that's just the ones off the top of my head.

Having a small child definitely reduces the ass tapping time. The one good thing for us has been that when we do get a chance, we really appreciate it.
pointybird
Busty, I'm gald you said that. I have that kind of freak out with evey guy I'm with, although it usually happens to me after about 3 months. I usually ride it out within a few weeks. My guess is that it's a psychological process, getting used to being with someone as a couple etc. It's a big transition, especially if you've been single for any length of time! But worth suffering through, in my opinion.
maddy29
ack-i feel like this is a big confession. but, i haven't been feeling the same way about my boyfriend. i don't feel sooo excited to see him, i don't feel soooo excited when I do see him. I know that over the three years feelings have changed and i don't expect it to always be this intense thing, but lately i've just been feeling so bleh about it. just realllly enjoying my time alone, and feeling a bit resentful sometimes of the compromising or something.

we are moving in together in august. our parents just met-and actually i think that's when something changed. i don't know what. maybe i'm just getting cold feet about moving in together? maybe i'm just taking him for granted? it's not like anything is bad between us, we aren't fighting or anything.

any thoughts?
nickclick
hmmm i always get excited to look forward to something, the excitement and newness turn me on. maybe now that you're actually going to move in together and the planning might be stressful, it's not as exciting. i dunno about cold feet but you could certainly have stress about taking the relationship to this next step. maybe it feels grown-up, meeting the parents and all. none of those things are particularly sexy.
maddy29
It's weird, because a while back I posted about how excited I was to move in together and how I couldn't wait. I'm still excited but I also feel scared-is this really the right man? Am I making the right decision? What if we break up? What if we drive each other crazy? etc etc

I feel like the meet the parents thing was stressful. and of course they all want us to get married and don't really get why we aren't going to do that. Then, my good friend got engaged and the boy's little brother is getting married in a few months-so there's been some marriage pressure coming from all sides. Just takes all the fun out of the relationship.
aliboo
Well relationships do tend to change..especially when one hits that realm of comfort. The butterflys sort of disappear and some of the excitement starts to fade away. Not saying this happens to everybody or at the same rate, but it does happen. I find that one of two things happens...either you grow into a deeper sort of love/bond that is outside of the infatution/butterflies in belly stage or things start to fizzle out all together.

Of course when you do hit that comfy stage...there are still times when it feels new all over again.

I also think it is perfectly normal to get cold feet about moving onto the moving in together stage. It is a HUGE step. I personally would be more worried about the person who didn't question those things that were mentioned. I personally don't think it is something to be taken lightly. Kind of like marriage...I think most people tend to ask themselves if they are making the right decision and all that jazz.

It is a lot different...moving in together....instead of leading seperate lives and just being that boyfriend/girlfriend thing... and then wham bam suddenly your lives merge. I remember when Mr. Boo & I first moved in together and it was just this huge transition. It wasn't just me anymore and that was scary at first. But obviously oh so worth it in the end.

************

On my own hijack...I have my own issue again. I kind of hate telling anybody about this stuff... b/c some people just seem like they don't want to believe certain things can be worked through. I hate the whole "OMG you're doomed" vibe some people like to give...but I mean, when you combine too lives, you come up on these situations and you have to find a way to compromise...

Mr. Boo has been talking about going to graduate school in the near future. Great, I mean I want that for him. But I feel like he has gotten terribly self absorbed in his own life and doesn't show much consideration for my future. I don't know if this is intentional. I don't think it is. He obviously has a much clearer goal in life than I do right now. He has very clear intentions about his future while I will admit...I tend to flutter in the breeze from time to time...okay a lot.

At first he was talking about going to graduate school here in the same state we live in now. Then tonight he tells me that he is thinking about looking into a school in Ohio. I am like what...you know thanks for informing me that this is just what we're going to do and I have little say...I hate to say this but it is no longer your life and my life, it is OUR life. He is like, I know...blah blah but I don't know if he really does KNOW.

Now I want him to accomplish his dreams more than anything. I would never dream of holding him back but at the same time, we obviously have to find some common ground when it concerns where we are going to live in the future...where we'll go to school...find jobs...live, ect. But I obviously have my own dreams as well. And he can't expect me to sacrafice mine for him anymore than I can expect him to sacrafice his for mine. And it is quite the dilemma. Clearly.

And having never been in this type of situation before, initially it looks like MY DREAM vs YOUR DREAM when that should not be the case at all. So I am struggling with how to do this and look at this from a different light.
sybarite
Aliboo, I hear you. We're kind of going through something similar, although I would actually be the one wanting to uproot. I'm (hopefully) finishing my thesis shortly and really want to look around and see what opportunities are out there for me. I'm quite happy to travel to do this, even take a year's position abroad. However, the mister is tied here, firstly through work and secondly because his child will be living with us from the autumn. I'm trying to get my head around living with a kid (even though the kid in question is great) and examiniing my desire to travel. I've had itchy feet in this city for a while and am really eager to embrace the opportunity academia offers for travel, but my domestic and emotional life is here. I'm committed to the mister but can't help but feel that if I was single I'd be off to New Zealand, or anywhere offering me a fellowship, say, in a heartbeat. It's not a reflection on him; it's just I feel now is the time to grab opportunities and establish myself in my fledging career... which is also important IMO in terms of our future shared life.

I think sometimes it is My Dream vs. Your Dream, especially if both people have plans involving change of job and/or travel, for instance. Factoring in kids is another biggie. It is so important that both people can talk about what they want to pursue, but communication only goes so far. Sometimes hard decisions have to be made which will likely benefit one of you more than the other. Ideally this gets balanced out, but as I always say: relationships aren't math. There's never 100% equality, per se.

I dunno if this is helpful; it turned into some overdue venting! Unless the above helped to explain Mr Boo's perspective a little...
sassygrrl
Okay, I want to move out to Portland as all of you busties know..and now he thinks we're going to break up. The question is, can LDR's work? I mean, we've only been dating 6 months... and there's the whole divocred guy thing. My ex is also back in town, and now homeless.

And, I just turned 30, and thinking of really wanting to turn my life around....

When I said that I wanted to move out to Portland first, I think Mcgeek almost fell apart. Then again, I've been wanting to do thing, since before he ever came along. He's got more in GA than I have--a house, more debt, etc. I just have a shitty job, and a lease--both things that I can leave.

I'm just itching to just turn my life around....

****

Then my mother keeps thinking that because I'm there on the weekends that we're living together..we're not. I still have a apartment.

stargazer
i think you should go to Portland. you can always test out the LDR. i think enough busties on here have done the LDR to say it works. but, it takes alot of work. plus, a house could always be sold, and debt will follow you wherever you go....

he could move if he wants to. but, it seems like the both of you have alot of talking to do...
spire_walk
Well.. I don't know if anyone remembers me.. I used to be one of the regular guys back a couple of years ago... anyway.. I just wanted to stop back in and give a little update. As of last December, I finally married my fiance of two years. We have a house now and it's all crazy and suburban. I thought I'd be dead in a ditch somewhere by the age of 29, but not this! lol...
zoya
sassy -

YES! LDRs can work. However, you both really have to be willing to put in the work to make it work.

and I highly recommend webcams, You can even have webcam "dates" Technology is a great thing.

and mix up the conversation - sometimes "face to face" via webcam, sometimes phone calls, sometimes IM, sometimes email.

and then of course sign up for all the weekend special emails that the airlines send out each week if you are a frequent flyer member (join, it's free)

The other thing is, I personally think that you have to set a specific date that if things are going well, you talk about someone moving to be with someone - like say a year down the road. It takes the pressure off, I think, of the ambiguity of "where is this going" - 'cause to work, eventually you have to be together.

just my .02 cents
opheliathemuse
I remember you, spire_walk! Congratulations. =)

sassygrrl
Thanks for all the advice my dear busties! As you all know, we're heading out there in three weeks (Portland/Seattle) to just chill out for a week.... and then I'm thinking of moving out in 6 months to a year. Mcgeek wants to move out in 2 years. He told me that he wants to pay off his debt first, and sell his house. He tells me he wants to eventually move out there. We'll see. We're in a weird stage of our relationship. I just don't know if I can deal with a LDR for that long. Part of this is my fear of my running away though.

Right now though, I just think that there may be a hotter guy and a better everything out west. Could be wisher thinking. I'm just in a shitty mood. sad.gif

auralpoison
I don't need advice, I just need to vent. Me & HB have been having drama since I had to move. I've still not yet found the right place & have been banging around. Our year anniversary is coming up, he thinks I should just move in with him. Which, I *might* have considered *if* he could stand my cats. He can't, he suggests they live in the garage. NOT. We had a HUGE fight over the weekend. I said something really insensitive because I was upset, something like, "I love you, but I will not give up the babies I have loved for twelve years for your crabby ass. They are my family." I'm an asshole, right? HUGE FIGHT GOT MORE HUGE. Like I left in tears & took a $20 cab back to where I was staying, went to the bar, got rip roaring drunk, stumbled back, & was heartsick for two whole days. Which is wholly unlike me. We still haven't spoken. I usually spend Sat nights at his place, but it doesn't look like it's gonna happen this weekend. I really love this man. I do. But. I am not going to give up the bond with my pets for him. They never bitch if I leave dirty clothes on the bathroom floor or if I eat with my fingers straight out of the carton. There's just no room for compromise until I get a new place of my own.
sixelacat
Oy, AP. ((((aural))) Of course the pets are part of the package. And, fwiw, living together always seems to work out better if the couple finds a NEW place together, instead of one person moving into the other's space. Especially with strong personalities. /$.02

and another ((((((ap)))))
auralpoison
Thanks, Sixelacat! I surely did need the hug! And I'm somewhat ambulatory. I'll send you a Pm later.

See, he owns his house & has for some time now. I like it, it's a cool house, cool neighborhood. Tons of my shit have migrated their way there already. He offered to turn the spare bedroom into a study for me so I'd have my own space there, but I am still wary of living with him. Even were it not for the cats. I'm an only child (Like you couldn't tell!) & I've lived alone for most of my adult life. When my mom lived with me, I wanted to strangle her twice a day. I just don't know. I feel... What's that line from Pulp Fiction? "...you may feel a slight sting. That's pride fucking with you. Fuck pride. Pride only hurts, it never helps." I can't decide if I'm mature enough to just suck it up & call him & mea culpa or if I'm gonna let him do the honors cos I'm petty & small.
go_kayte
Sooooooooooo...

How do you decide whether to get married? The whole romance/fantasy of marriage wore off when we were 18, now we discuss it for practical reasons. He can get on my insurance, we want to start thinking about buying a house, etc. We discuss it quite openly: there's not a question of "do we want to take that step" because we're committed to each other and whether we want to stay together is sort of a non-issue. The other side is that it feels wrong to accept a privilege that our gay and lesbian friends are denied. I feel that we should stay living together unmarried in protest until gays and lesbians are granted the right to marry. We are pretty much stuck between the two options right now and thus are not making any wedding plans. What are the pros and cons of making it official?
nickclick
go_k, i hear ya about protesting against all this ban on gay marriage bullshit. but then again, if it's worth fighting for, then it must be worthing having?

auralp, he's gotta compromise somehow about your cats. but i agree with six, maybe it's best to find a new place, so he can't tell ya what you can and can't bring along. but we ain't talking about furniture here, you know?
opheliathemuse
awww, auralp. That's terrible. The cats are furbabies to me. My Mimolette is my child! Does he have any reason other than dislike to exile your cats to the garage, such as allergies? You guys sound a bit like Diego Rivera and Frieda Kahlo--need two houses attached!
LoveMyPugs
I know I'm not a usual in this thread but I just have to say,

When I'm irritated with my man and I just want to yell at him I usually start off like, "Ryan!" and he says in the exact same tone, "Sheena!" Then he'll try to mimic my face and stance and it just cracks me up. WHEN I WANT TO BE MAD I WANT TO BE MAD. Yet, he always makes me laugh. AAAAAAHHHHHHH! Irritating how silly he is sometimes. STOP IT!
Arcadia
I totally agree, Pugs!

I hate when I'm mad and all I want to be is mad but my man does everything in his power to be so stupid that I start laughing.

Frustrating!
laurenann
Anyone ever feel jealous about new couples?

I'm embarrassed to admit that I've been feeling envious of my roommate and his new - as of like two or three weeks ago - girlfriend. It was her birthday yesterday, and he was stressing over what to get her the last week, cleaned his room, left work early to take her out, we met them for drinks and they were holding hands and had their arms around each other, and when we played guitar hero they cheered each other on. It was all really, really cute.

My boyfriend - of over four years - is a slob, doesn't buy me presents anymore (for xmas we go shopping and he buys whatever I pick out), despises public displays of affection, and taunts me when he beats me at guitar hero. When I tried to hold his hand on the way to the bar, he asked me what I was doing. When I leaned against him in the booth, he said he was too hot.

Of course, he also loves me unconditionally, cooks me delicious dinners, puts up with my obsessive compulsive behavior and frequent anxiety, rocks me in bed, tells me I'm beautiful, compliments my personality, and basically completes my life. So what the hell am I feeling so jealous about? Silly, silly.
lux
just have to get this out:
i'm so happy i finally booked us an appointment at a couples counseler. i can't believe i waited so long to do it.
yep, that was it:)

laurenann - i guess it's normal to be a bit jealous of those new couples that just seem to have all the excitement and no problems. atleast i am jealous of them. if that's not all you think about, i wouldn't be too worried about it. i think i miss the element of surprise, it's all gotten so predictable.
nickclick
good job and good luck lux!

laurenann, i hear ya! and exactly what lux said. we get jealous of the newness of a relationship and not having or knowing about each others' problems yet! the fun of getting to know each others' friends and families, stories and places. within the first few months of dating, my bf and i were so busy, taking each other to where we grew up, restaurants we liked, meeting people we knew. life was totally on hold while we got to know each other.

a year 1/2 later, not much mystery left. he's not too "busy" or "creative" or "unconventional" to clean his house, he's just messy. i've heard that bad 80s song that he loves one too many times. and, ohmygod, does he do anything except fart and snore?????
funnybird
Me too on the jealousy thing. I sometimes miss the early days of my relationship with Architect Boy. We used to write each other long letters and make mix tapes for each other. I took hundreds of photographs of him, and he would buy silly but sweet little gifts. Now after being together for seven years, and married for nearly two, the only time I take his picture is if we're on holiday and he's standing infront of something interesting, and the presents he buys for me are always practical things I need, like books for school.
I have to reming myself that back then I was actually rampantly insecure; convinced that I would say the wrong thing, or that he would see me looking rough and go off me. Now I know that he's seen me at my worst; behaving irrationally, throwing-up after drinking too much, and talking utter nonsense and he still loves me. Which I wouldn't swop for the world, but I do get nostalgic now and then.
sybarite
Yup, after 6 years I hear you all on the nostalgia thing, and funnybird, it was the same for me... when our relationship was more electrifying I was also much less secure (I'll ignore the connection between the two mellow.gif ). I do take a lot of happiness from the fact he's seen me at my absolute and still really loves me.

One thing that jumpstarts us a bit is that we take amazing trips together. We often have screaming rows during these but also get to share experiences of seeing the places together; it balances out well, I think.

But don't even get me started on the snoring...
laurenann
well, we broke up.

actually, he broke up with me. HE broke up with ME, because he needs to "find out more about himself" and because he "wants to be in a good place again" and he "isn't able to be a good partner right now" and more it's-not-you-it's-me stuff. i think he's either having a mental breakdown or he isn't giving me the full story.

so now one of our cats (it's like choosing which child to keep) and i are staying with my friends until i find a new apartment and move all of my stuff out.

what the hell? i'm fucking miserable. i didn't even see it coming.
sassygrrl
Mcgeek and I had our first vacation together. I'll tell you. Nothing brings a couple together or rips them apart faster than spending a week together in small spaces. Yet, it was his first vacation ever, so it was great to see his reaction to things.

Yet, I finally have enough guts to finally tell him that I love him (I even picked the perfect location on the Oregon coast), and he didn't say anything back. I told him I was moving to Oregon without him, and he said he'd miss me. We'd just have to do an LDR. I just wanted him to say "No honey, I'm come to Portland with you!"

Blah.

((laurenann))

I still have to figure a lot of things out.

And to think that I keep hinting that I wanting to really move in with him next spring after my lease expired.... now not so sure of it.

nickclick
(((laurenann))) and (((sassygrrl)))
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.
Invision Power Board © 2001-2014 Invision Power Services, Inc.