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nickclick
you sparkle, LMP! thanks for the advice.

i should prolly try some on, but my friend referred me to www.faycullen.com that sells antique-y jewelry. oh my, so pretty. i sent a few of my favorite ring links to mr.nick.
hoosierman78
QUOTE(nickclick @ Dec 28 2007, 02:38 PM) *
you sparkle, LMP! thanks for the advice.

i should prolly try some on, but my friend referred me to www.faycullen.com that sells antique-y jewelry. oh my, so pretty. i sent a few of my favorite ring links to mr.nick.


My now wife & I went out looking together a few times before I 'surprised' her with a proposal. I say it like that, because, like Mr. Pugs & LMP, we had discussed getting married already. The only surprise was her not knowing exactly when I'd buy a ring, other than we knew we wanted to get married about a year or so after she finished college. Honestly, any of my friends that gotten married have pretty well followed this same line of thinking.
auralpoison
I am so fucking sick of this shit. Okay, so things had been iffy for a while. The moving in thing was not so great. The fighting thing was not so great. Lots of stuff as of late are not so great. Now this. We're on a "break". A "break". Can anybody tell me what the fuck that means? Can I date again, am I not supposed to? Is this the beginning of the end & he's just too much of a pussy to just say so? WTF? Grrrrr!

ETA; Who the fuck buys you a pair of big honking diamond earrings & *then* decides you should take a "break"? Were the earrings some kind of pre-emptive, "maybe she won't kill me," bribe? Did he really spend $8,000 on a consolation prize? The fuck?
stargazer
well, i would confer with the show friends about what the term "a break" means....

of course, you know, i'm being a smartass to make you laugh. wink.gif

opheliathemuse
hey AP-love

O and I broke up instead of taking a break because we couldn't figure out how to take a break without hurting each other.
I think he obviously cares about you but just is confused. I'd detach myself from the situation a little and let him just work things out, and let yourself rest a little. Sometimes time is a good thing. And certainly I would outline terms of said break more clearly.
loves...
Otm
auralpoison
LONG POST AHEAD . . . YOU WERE WARNED!

Thanks Star, OTM.

See, that's what makes this so fucked up. *I'M* always the confused one. This time around, I'm not. And *that* confuses me. So I guess I am confused, but not for the same reasons, which is distressing.

I know that this all stems from the lifechoices I've had to make in the past nine months. I sought his counsel on every one even though most of the time his advice was completely contradictory to the decisions I eventually made. And every single choice I made was ther RIGHT one. But a big part of that was that I was still making the right decisions for me, not for us.

Except when I tried to live with him. That was the one major fuckup. I TRIED REALLY HARD. But, I've always been such a solitary person. It drove me mad that the only time I was ever alone was when I was working. From the moment he got home from work he was under my feet or in my face. It *hurt* him that I didn't get off on the whole Beach Boys, "Wouldn't it be Nice" thing. I wanted to, but that's just not me, man.

The main thing that has him freaked is that he didn't want me to return to KS to deal with my mom. And he kept up his "come home" campaign via the 'net until my mom actually died. So he feels REALLY REALLY guilty that if I had listened to him, I'd have lost out on that last few weeks. He's been dwelling on that aspect since it occured to him, which took a little while. He was more shocked about my mom dying than I was & all he knew about her was what I told him. And he didn't like what he heard. Her shuffling off this mortal coil has done a number on him because he truly expected to meet her over Xmas to see if she really was the she-beast I told him she was. Ever the fucking scientist . . .

That leads me to our other drama. Him coming here. I didn't/don't want him to & he felt/feels rejected because I don't want him with me. He wanted to come out my birthday weekend, I nixed it because mom was in hospital. It sounds so stupid to me now, but I honestly didn't want him to meet her. I didn't want her to appraise him, I didn't want his name to roll off of her lips. I didn't want her to ruin my one little piece of as perfect as it can get. Somehow, I felt like she'd taint him. That her charm would seep through & sully him in some way. It's why I refuse to let the redneck go get my stuff. I don't want *my* life coming in contact with the gigantic SUCK of this place. The second any piece of my life gets settled here, I feel I will be DOOMED to remain. Which is just silly, but still VERY real to me. VERY REAL. But he doesn't get that. All he hears is, "you don't want me", even when I succinctly explain my points.

I know he wanted to come comfort me when my mom died; he asked with a little hope in his voice, but I still shut him down. Had he come, I'd have locked all the doors, shut off the phones & fucked him until his cock no longer worked just so I didn't have to think about things. Which wouldn't have been healthy or productive for either of us. I NEVER want to feel like I've used him in anyway.

I'm just really mad that I am dealing with all of this like a fucking champ (Ali ain't got dick on me right now! HAH!), but he's acting like such a punk-ass little coward because he's having to deal with it peripherally. I'm down in the shit like it's the Tet Offensive & he's watching it on tv. I understand that they way he is reacting has a lot to do with regret. He's been an orphan for years & now I think he feels like he's going through it all again. Even though he's not. He's just feeling my pain & my pain makes him hurt, too. I still wish he wasn't reacting the way he has been.

Also, neither of us have gotten our rocks off with a partner since the weekend I left. The massive build up of sex energy has to be clouding both of our minds somewhat. I know sex doesn't solve problems, but we'd both think better if we shagged until we were completely devoid of fluids.

ETA; I have to add that I've never really watched "Friends", so I don't get the joke. I know the one guy had a monkey & that Gloria Estefan was right, the rhythm is gonna get ya!
stargazer
there was a whole episode with ross and rachel about what the term "a break" meant.....

yeah. you had to be there.... dry.gif
nickclick
(((ap)))

i've never experienced a 'break' as a good thing, only an omen for a break-up, sorry to report. but that is my experience. from what you say, sounds like your collective outside issues are causing the friction, not much of anything starting within your relationship. that said, in my opinion, outside issues are usually best dealt with the help of those that love you. so if you're having trouble getting help (or even accepting help) from him, maybe it's best you're not together.
stargazer
nickclick, you give such great advice.

ap, what reason did he give you for the break?
auralpoison
Nah, that's not it at all. It just isn't.

We're okay. Better than okay actually. I got a brief letter & a special gift on last Friday. What I got after that goes in the portions thread.
tesao
*de-lurking*

just wanted to let peeps know that i was hanging out in here.

AP, glad to hear that things are better. you rock.
LoveMyPugs
I was not so nice to Mr. Pug last night. I'm PMSing and dealing with family issues. School starts Monday and I'm a bit nervous about that as well. He was really trying to cheer me up last night. Took me out and bought me some new sneakers at Kohl's. I was a miserable bitch. Sometimes I just don't know how to be happy. He tries and a I just shut him down. Sometimes I really don't deserve him. See the Addiction thread to know what I'm talking about but since everything that happened with my cousin I've just wanted to do minimum amount of anything the last few days. I'm trying to get through the mountain of laundry in the basement. I can't even look at the kitchen. I just want to lay in bed and rest. I feel so tired. I don't really want to talk to anyone. My sister and I went out to lunch yesterday and I didn't even want to talk to her about what happened. When something bad happens to Mr. Pug he can be upset but as soon as he goes to sleep he's let it go from his mind and moved on to bigger and brighter things. I fret over situations for days and days. I think that is just how my mind processes hard situations like that. He is such a fixer. He wants me better and happy with him. I just want to be by myself but have him next to me if that makes any sense. I know I never make any sense. I know it's got to be very hard for him to be with me. I'm such an irritating complicated person. Maybe I'll try to make him a great dinner tomorrow night and a chocolate cake. Just something to say, "Thank you Babe. I love you so." I just don't know what to do with myself right now. All I can think about is my cousin detoxing in jail. It makes me cry everytime.

leathergrl
QUOTE(LoveMyPugs @ Jan 8 2008, 09:14 AM) *
I was not so nice to Mr. Pug last night. I'm PMSing and dealing with family issues. School starts Monday and I'm a bit nervous about that as well. He was really trying to cheer me up last night. Took me out and bought me some new sneakers at Kohl's. I was a miserable bitch. Sometimes I just don't know how to be happy. He tries and a I just shut him down. Sometimes I really don't deserve him. See the Addiction thread to know what I'm talking about but since everything that happened with my cousin I've just wanted to do minimum amount of anything the last few days. I'm trying to get through the mountain of laundry in the basement. I can't even look at the kitchen. I just want to lay in bed and rest. I feel so tired. I don't really want to talk to anyone. My sister and I went out to lunch yesterday and I didn't even want to talk to her about what happened. When something bad happens to Mr. Pug he can be upset but as soon as he goes to sleep he's let it go from his mind and moved on to bigger and brighter things. I fret over situations for days and days. I think that is just how my mind processes hard situations like that. He is such a fixer. He wants me better and happy with him. I just want to be by myself but have him next to me if that makes any sense. I know I never make any sense. I know it's got to be very hard for him to be with me. I'm such an irritating complicated person. Maybe I'll try to make him a great dinner tomorrow night and a chocolate cake. Just something to say, "Thank you Babe. I love you so." I just don't know what to do with myself right now. All I can think about is my cousin detoxing in jail. It makes me cry everytime.




Hey, sorry to hear about all you are going through. Hang in there! Love is there through the good and the bad times. Can you write letters to your cousin? Even if not, writing to your cousin (even though it won't be sent) can really help you get through some feelings, that you don't want to talk about w/ others. Best wishes sent your way...
loridk
So...I'm thinking of getting a divorce.

I don't think we're in love anymore. I married him when I was 21. I was young and stupid. I think I should of saw it wasn't going to work a long time ago. There was tons of pressure on us. We had our first baby at 19 and his family wanted him to get married. I felt pressured from him because I didn't know how to tell him I loved him but wasn't sure if I was ready to make such a life changing choice. I loved him but, dispite him being my child's father, I wasn't sure if he was "the one". Stupidly, I married him anyway hoping things would fall into place.

Two more children and four years, I think we've both seen that things haven't done that. He's unhappy and I'm unhappy. We're both scared I think. He acts like a huge asshole to me. I think he worries about starting over with his life and the possiblity of making a mistake losing me. I'm worried because at 19 my life stopped. I'm just starting now to do things like get a career and learn to drive and just be independent. We've both been very bitter that I've had to be so dependent all these years. I think he wants me to do my own thing but is worried he'll be left behind. He likes being in control.

Not to mention, I have three kids. I worry about how I'm ever going to meet someone else and fall in love and have a normal life. Don't get me wrong, my kids are the most important thing in my life and bring me great joy but it is an acceptable fear, right? I'm still young, attractive, ect. I feel my husband has never appriciated me and has always put down things about my personality that others have seemed to compliment.

Sorry for the life story here I know it's all sorted and probably makes no sense but I just need to talk about it.
nickclick
(((loridk)))

seems like a good time to talk to you husband, see what his feelings are on the matter. i mean, you don't have to be like - i think i don't love you anymore - but just like a state of your relationship kind of thing. acting like an asshole is totally unacceptable, but give him a chance to tell you his real feelings and if can do so without asshole-ness, it's good to hear. might make you think more clearly in one direction or another.

it's a decision you don't need to hurry about. doing what's right for you also means when it's right. don't worry about meeting someone new just yet.

and keep on coming here to tell us your life story! i mean, that's what we're all doing here!
LoveMyPugs
QUOTE(leathergrl @ Jan 8 2008, 04:56 PM) *
Hey, sorry to hear about all you are going through. Hang in there! Love is there through the good and the bad times. Can you write letters to your cousin? Even if not, writing to your cousin (even though it won't be sent) can really help you get through some feelings, that you don't want to talk about w/ others. Best wishes sent your way...


leathergrl - i've just been talking to friends, family and posting on my blog about it. I don't want to do too many more long posts here on bust cause I know most don't have time to read them. I guess it's just me getting it out of my head and onto paper. I can write her but everything is still too fresh and I'm still having to tell many people the story over and over. I thin I'll give it a week or two then visit her and start writing her. She detoxing in jail and that isn't going to be easy for her. I think seeing me or hearing from me, the person who put her in there, will make her angry and she needs to focus on getting better. Does this sound like the right thing to do?

Well, not the right thread for all this but anyway. Mr. Pug and I had a good night. I'm not going to stay on here long and I'm going to go cuddle up with him in bed tonight. My period finally came and I feel like some of the PMS is starting to go. Thanks for the kind words.

loridk- yes i agree with nickclick, now is the time to talk to your husband about how you feel. he may not know that you feel this strongly that things are over. he might just be thinking it's a hard time you are both trying to work through. it seems like whenever i'm really upset about something Mr. Pug is only mildly annoyed and he never has any clue how upset I really am. I think this is because while I'm over analyzing it in my head he is avoiding it in his. When it finally peaks with me he is totally thrown. Definately the time to talk with one another. (((((good luck)))))
konphusion26
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auralpoison
Dude, is he brushing his fuckin' teeth yet? Cos I'd be annoyed, too.
konphusion26
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sexysandee
I have talked about my life in other threads and about my long-distance love.

I met him about 4 months ago and I feel in love with him because of the person that he is and the way that he treats his son. He told me from the beginning that he had a son and that his son lived with him. I thought that was great and the only thing that I have ever asked is that his ex not get upset with me for being in her son's life. He said that she isn't in the picture.

Now, I found out that he had been in prison. I fell for him and I decided to let it go. I wanted to be there for the person that he is now. The other night we were talking and he is 34 years old and he was in prison for 12 of those years. That is over a third of his life. He was in jail for 5 years out for 4 and then when back for 7 years. I don't know how I feel about that.

I love him, I do.... I have even contemplated moving to Colorado to be with him.
This whole prison thing is freaking me out.

I just needed to get this off my chest.
kittenb
{{{sexysandee}}} I wish I had the right thing to say to you but I don't know what I would do. It would depend a lot on what the crime was and if I knew that he had been rehabilitated. Good luck and I wish you the best here.

I don't know that I have posted here before although I have started a few times. I need advice and I am asking everyone except the person I should ask b/c I am too scared. I am in love. I've never been in love before and everything in me is saying that this is it. He is the one I have been looking for. We have been dating for three months and I told him that I was in love with him last week. I told him that I wasn't saying it b/c I needed him to say it back. What I feel for him makes me strong and confident and I think that I can wait for him to get there. I know that he cares deeply for me. When he touches me, when he kisses me, it is all real.

So where is the problem? I want to move in with him. My lease on my current apartment is up in May. I don't want to sign another year to live by myself. So far there isn't a deadline b/c my new lease isn't here yet. But when it comes I need to have this conversation with him and I have no idea how to do it. He has more relationship scars than I do and I don't want to be the only person steering this ship. So I know that I wouldn't want to move in with him unless I know and hear from his lips that we have a future. Like I said, everything feels real but words count.

What should I do? Is a three month relationship just too soon to be having these thoughts? It feels like it should feel too early but it doesn't feel wrong. Does that make sense? How can I bring this into the conversation w/o scaring him or screwing this up? I very subtly (excessively subtley?) brought it up the other day by asking him how his cat got along with other cats. Blending our households will be tricky after all. wink.gif

Any advice will be appreciated. Thanks. rolleyes.gif
starship
sexysandee- It's been said but i think it does depend on the answer to many questions. Like what was the crime? do you think he will do it again or is he a changed man? etc etc. He has a son now who he is responsible for so perhaps it is all just part of his past and something he wishes to move on from. At first i thought it was odd that this hadn't come up during 4months but on second thoughts it isn't something you'd want to spring on somebody you were interested in straight away is it. I think the fact that he has told you now shows that he wants to be honest and open which can only be a good thing. Perhaps you need to discuss it more with him before you can know how you truely feel about it

kittenb- sounds like you have a good thing going so I'd say just go for it! Bring it into the conversation in a light and slightly jokey way rather than the serious 'sit down, we need to talk' type situation. You seem big on the subtlety so maybe next time you stay over night together you could just say how great it would be if you lived together and could do this all the time? It would introduce the idea to your relationship and his reaction may suprise you:) and give the opportunity to discuss it properly

Not sure why I'm handing out advice as my relationship seems to be a bit of a train wreck. I won't bore you with the details of the arguement but he ended up getting excessively angry and being what i felt was way too agressive. I told him if he ever talked to me like that again it would be the last conversation we ever had. He said not to 'threaten him' and that he was putting his foot down. Pah. What a toad
obelix2
kittenb- What would happen if you mentioned that your lease is up in 3 months without saying anything about living with him? Would he suggest that you move in? Admittedly, that seems almost a little underhanded, but that's what I'd do. 3 months does seem a little quick for moving in. But if you had a couch you could crash on if things fell through, it wouldn't be too big of a leap.

Hi, everybody. I've been dating a guy for about a year. We've got a few problems. I've been lurking in here, and one of these days, I may pop my head up and ask for advice (or just vent).
nickclick
obelix, we're ready when you're ready!

kittenb, i'd say wait until you feel the time is right and be honest, kind of tell him what you said here, that the idea crossed your mind, you're excited about it, and how does he feel? be optimistic. you sound happy!

sexysandee, it would also depend on the crime for me. i could also see worrying about his time away from 'real life.' is there a reason you're thinking of moving now? i'd give it some time to think thru your feelings.

starship, how are you?
greenbean
Hello wise committed Busties! I've never posted in here because I myself have not been in a relationship for a few years,..but I was hoping to get some advice on something..

I've been seeing a boy since xmas and I really like him and he really likes me and it seems as though we are headed toward coupledom. The issue is, while he seems perfectly content to spend all his idle time with me, I tend to need a lot of alone time, and I've never been good with just "chillin" with people. For instance, today we were hanging out at his place. We had amazing sex last night and then again when we woke up. Then he made me an excellent omelet and we had good conversation and I was happy..but then he suggested we hang out on the porch and he felt like playing guitar. So hes strumming and humming and we're just sitting there looking at the view...and after a few minutes I start to get real ancy and I'm thinking I should just go home and I dunno, read or dick around the internet. I was like this in my serious relationship that ended two years ago. If he wanted to just hang out doing nothing together, I would always want to just go do my own thing.

I asked a couple of my committed friends about this, and Friend A said, "Well maybe he's not 'the one', because if he was you would love just doing nothing with him just cuz it meant being with him". But my Friend B said, "This is something you need to work on. You've been single for along time and have gotten used to being alone, and if I can be blunt, you are just gonna get more and more addicted to alone time and never be in a relationship. You should stick with this guy and push yourself to do 'nothing' with him more".

I didnt really like either comment, because Friend A is suggesting hes not a good match, and I feel like he is. But Friend B is suggesting this is a flaw of mine, and who likes to hear that? rolleyes.gif So can anyone else weigh in? Have any of you really been sort of a loner and then found yourself committed,..and was it a struggle or was the transition automatic and you know, fairy tale-ish? Anything will help! Thanks!
LoveMyPugs
greenbean - seriously, i don't like either response from friend A or B. I think time apart or time apart together is good. For example, Mr. Pug would be playing video games downstairs and I'd be on the computer upstairs. Or, he'd watch a movie and and I'd play a video game. Or, he'd go out and cut the grass and I'd do laundry. I mean we would be in the same house or room but not doing something "together". Many times he's playing guitar hero and I'm playing sudoku on the nintendo ds on the couch. We are in the same room for hours but we don't really speak or spend time together. He's doing his thing and I'm doing mine. I think this is very healthy. There are times that we do seperate things. Today, we both went to his cousin's house. I went to Target with his cousin's wife and he stayed there and watched movies, played video games and drank beer. Even though we both went up there together we hardly saw each other the whole day. This didn't bother either of us one bit. Every night when Mr. Pug goes to bed I usually go get on the computer for a few hours. I like my alone time and I think he does too.

Maybe you could bring a book with you and read on the porch while he's strumming his guitar. Maybe you could make an excuse to do your laundry or something and just head home to dick around on the computer and spend some time apart. I think this is perfectly acceptable. You'll get tired of each other quickly if you spend every minute together. I bet deep down he wouldn't mind the good sex, breakfast, chilling outside looking at the view playing guitar and then time apart either. I think that if you are headed into relationship territory this is something you can talk about. Talking really is the key as I'm sure you know.

Maybe, Mr. Pug will stop in here tomorrow and give you the male perspective. He's busy at work and doesn't have the time to check bust like I do.

Hope that was helpful. Good luck,

Pugs
kittenb
geenbean - let me chime in here w/what you and LMP said. I don't like either response. In my new relationship it has taken some getting used to to just hang and do nothing. It wasn't a comfortable fit at first. We seem to only really get to see each other on weekends and at first I just didn't know what to do with him or myself if we were not doing anything. So I was open with him and told him that I was kind of feeling my way through this. I wanted him to know so that if/when I was clumsy or rude he knew where I was coming from. Now, when we spend time together just watching TV, for the most part I love it. But I had to get used to it. If I need time away, he just asked me to be honest about it. Kind of like that Pink song that starts, "Go away, give me a chance to miss you." Taking the time out seems to have worked in his favor. He went out with his friends today and I missed him badly enough that I was making myself laugh about it. It was all I could do not to text him every 5 minutes (I didn't.) But now when I see him next I really WANT to see him, you know?
Maybe your friends A & B are the kind of women who are often in relationships. Sometimes people like that don't realize that for people like us (longer times b/w relationships) it is a learning process and an adjustment process to be in one.

On the upside, after the bitter cold of the past few days in Chicago sitting on a porch listening to someone play the guitar sounds like heaven. I seriously sighed when I read that but more b/c of the idea of warmth. smile.gif
auralpoison
Driveby, I've been busy as hell all weekend!

GB, I agree with everybody else. I'm a very solitary person & it took me time to get into the whole hanging out thing. For the better part of my 'ship, I saw him a couple times a week, sleepovers on weekends, etc. I really cherished that time with him. But when we tried cohabitation? YIKES! I was alone working for hours at a time in an unfamiliar space, then when it came time to wind down . . . there he was. All the time. I remember running into the kitchen to hand wash the dishes so I could have twenty minutes of "just me" time. Of course, five minutes later he came in & read a newspaper at the breakfast bar. HB peered at me over his reading glasses & asked, "How long do you think you'll be?" That's when we had the frank & open discussion about the fact that I need some space sometimes. And not just space while I'm working. Space that doesn't involve chores. And that it has nothing to do with him & I'd appreciate it if he cut me some slack, I'd do the same for him.

I still wound up flipping out, but I'm mental like that. Only child syndrome, I guess.
opheliathemuse
No, AP. I'm have a twin brother but in a relationship I need S-P-A-C-E!
auralpoison
Oh, I wasn't suggesting anything about your issue being sibling related, OtM, I was making an excuse for my own shortcomings. wink.gif
stargazer
yay for you kittenb! i think you should just be direct with him about the living situation. it sounds like he has been pretty supportive and receptive to what you have to say. so, go for it!

GB, congrats again with the new boy! yeah, i was reading your friends comments again and again. harmpf. don't like 'em cause i don't think they fit you. nothing wrong with alone time. i did like pugs suggestion of doing some solitary things around him. or, just being upfront about how you feel like kitten suggested. i found myself just wanting to be around the current guy i'm seeing once i kinda let go of all my own silly hangups and stuff. he's actually pretty receptive to giving me my space. i have a feeling your guy will too. let us know how things go for you!
sexysandee
Thank you for all the advice...
I am going to really discuss everything with him, if he can't be completely honest with me, I may have to move on.

Thank you all again
greenbean
Thanks y'all,..knew I could count on you!

QUOTE
On the upside, after the bitter cold of the past few days in Chicago sitting on a porch listening to someone play the guitar sounds like heaven. I seriously sighed when I read that but more b/c of the idea of warmth.


Yeah, KittenB, the boy just moved here a couple months ago from Ohio and I think is still in his honeymoon period with Los Angeles. I for one think 55 degrees is too chilly wink.gif
LoveMyPugs
QUOTE(greenbean @ Jan 22 2008, 12:33 AM) *
Thanks y'all,..knew I could count on you!
Yeah, KittenB, the boy just moved here a couple months ago from Ohio and I think is still in his honeymoon period with Los Angeles. I for one think 55 degrees is too chilly wink.gif


If it were up to Mr. Pug our house would be set a 55 degrees at all times. To fucking cold for me. I've got on socks, slippers, sweats, tank top, hoodie and shivering under a sheet, fleese blanket and down comfortor at all times. I look like yoda at times. laugh.gif Umm...yes.. cold am I
sexysandee
Mr. Colorado and I talked.

He told me about his past and why he ended up in prison those two times.

He was born into a family of crime, I know that sounds like a movie, but in his case it's true.
He was raised by his grandparents until he was 12 and then he moved with his father when his grandfather passed away. This is when everything went down hill. His father was into dealing and he got him into it. Three years later the fault was placed upon him. He was in prison and his father was still up to no good. The second time was pretty much more of the same. This time it involved his father and the women that he was seeing. His mother was never around and she really didn't care about him.

When he went to prison the second time he had custody of his four year old son. He had to call on his mother for help. His son stayed with his mother while he spent 7 years behind bars. Now he is out and has little contact with his father. He even moved to another state to get away from it all. Now he is in Colorado with his son trying to start a new life, just him and his son, who is now 11. He is working and about to buy a house. He says that he is lucky to have me in his life and that he loves me more than I will ever know.

I do love him. I tried to imagine my life without him and I just couldn't do it.

I guess, it's true, that we don't chose who we fall in love with.

obelix2
Sexysandee- I hope I'm not being rude, but there was a huge red flag (to me, at least) in your post. I didn't read anywhere in there that he took any responsibility for what he did. I'm sure a lot of it was the environment he was in, and the people who influenced him. But if he ended up in prison, he needs to be able to take at least some of the blame and own it.
LoveMyPugs
Obelix - I don't think he could have come out of prison, started working towards buying a house, asked his mother for help, moved to another state to raise his son, and communicated this all to the woman he loves without having "owned it". That's just my opinion. I admire him. I think he's trying very hard. You have to respect that. Good luck with him sexysandee!
starship
sexysandee- I think the fact that he has a son who he is now responsible for means that he's more likely to be a reformed character. Not only has he got his son and you now but his father is out of his life too. It would be silly not to be a little wary but if you trust him then I don't think you should let this get inbetween you both. Everyone deserves a chance so I hope it all works out for you smile.gif
zoya
**de-lurks**

sandee - do you KNOW that his story is all true, or is it just what he's told you? Sorry to sound so negative, but while I agree that it seems most signs point to him being responsible and starting a new life, you're just going on what someone in another state tells you on the phone.

I agree with obelix. While it sounds to us like he's implying responsibility for his problems in the past, from what you've said, he's not actually SAYING that he's taken any responsibility for things, saying that a big chunk of it was other people's "fault." While that very well may be 100% true in this case, it's also true that not taking responsibility for one's actions is a known hallmark of people who are very dysfunctional (ie: addicts, alcoholics) and it's certainly something that's safer to consider and be wary of at this point, than down the road when you're in it fully. I'm not saying this is the case, but just pointing out that it's a very justifiable red flag to notice and point out in concern for your wellbeing.

At any rate, please at least take it slow and spend some time around the guy and see how he conducts his life, because most definitely actions speak louder than words. See how he treats the people around him. See what his friends are like and what they say about him.

good luck with stuff, I hope it works out.
LoveMyPugs
QUOTE(zoya @ Jan 24 2008, 06:15 AM) *
At any rate, please at least take it slow and spend some time around the guy and see how he conducts his life, because most definitely actions speak louder than words. See how he treats the people around him. See what his friends are like and what they say about him.


I think this is great advice. That's what I meant. His actions will speak louder then words and it seems so far that his actions are saying that he's taken responsibility for what he's done and he's trying to reform. I think the being around him and seeing how he treats people and what his friends say about him is such a good idea. That will really tell you something about him.

Zoya smile.gif you are so smart.
sexysandee
Thank you so much for all the advice.

He has owned up to all of it.
He has also talked to his son about everything that occured in the past.
His son is 11 so he knew where his father was the entire time and it was really hard for him. It was hard for, lets call him M, M to talk to his son about the importance of good behavior and getting an education when he made so many mistakes. He is really trying his best. He does not associate with the people that he once did. His family is still judging him for his past; which is understandable. When he bought a car...a used car... his mother accused him of selling drugs again and he was in tears because he doesn't know how he is going to change her perception of him. His mother was never around when he was younger... a fact that she has admited to me... so why judge him now... that is my opinion.

I have told him repeatedly that I need to be cautious of the people that I have in my life. I'm a teacher and while many people say that it's just a job, those of you that know teachers, it is also a life style. I have to be very careful about the people that I have in my life. If I am in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people it could cost me my career.

I know my grammar is horrible for a teacher... sorry...

Again thank you for all the wonderful advice... It is so hard when my heart tells me that is the one, but my brain is telling me to be very careful.... I will keep y'all posted.
zoya
... well, I think that at this point, all he has is actions to back up the words that he's said to this point - and yes, the actions he's been doing bode well. But I do think that actually taking accountability by speaking of one's own responsibility for things is important. It does still concern me that it doesn't sound (at least from your post, sandee) that he's actually SAID he's taken responsibility for this stuff. ie: yes, he had a rough life and family, but also could say "I did get sucked into the life and I did some pretty bad stuff that I had to be responsible for and do time" That's why I said I thought you should take it slow and just see, and take note if he does in the course of his growth, say things that show he's accountable for his past. People that do take accountability for their stuff typically have no problem being able to just say they bore some responsibility - it's no big deal for them, cause they've dealt with it.

my concern comes from sincere caring for your situation, sandee - because people that tend to blame their rough life or whatever on others or their situation, without being in any way accountable, tend to keep blaming people they become involved with in life. friends, lovers, partners, etc. I would not want you to walk into a relationship where that would eventually happen to you. xo

ETA - sandee, didn't see your post when I posted this - that's good to hear. I'm glad you're being cautious, and your job kinda gives you added incentive where some people (probably me.. haha) would just rush right in. keep us posted.
obelix2
Sandee- It sounds like you've got your head on straight, and you're going into this with knowledge of what is best for you. I'm exactly with Zoya on her last sentence. When I fall in love with somebody, I can act SO stupid, even when my friends all see what's going on. You seem like you're keeping your wits about you.

Ok- here's my intro to the "Committed" room:

I've been with TT for a little over a year now. On paper, he's absolutely perfect. I wrote out a list a few years ago, with a column each for "must-haves" "can't-haves" and "can-negotiate". He has everything in the first column and nothing in the second. I'm crazy attracted to him, we make each other laugh, the nookie is wonderful, and after dating a string of grad students I can't deny that dating a professor with a house and car paid for is pretty comforting. We discuss marriage like it's something that might happen in the future, we talk about moving across the country if he changes schools, and I would have moved into his house by now if his deadbeat relative hadn't taken over the basement.

But. He doesn't talk as much as I want (need?). I really want somebody who will listen to the news with me, then argue for a few hours about politics, weather, hairstyles, sports, whatever. He's so quiet. And he doesn't ask questions. At first I was hurt by this, because it felt like he didn't care about me. But I found out that he's really self-conscious about sounding stupid, and he usually feels like anything he would ask a question about- he should be able to figure out on his own. I also want constant reassurance that he cares about me, and he's of a mind that once he tells me that he thinks I'm beautiful (or smart, or whatever), I should believe him and not keep prodding him to say it again. He actually feels insulted by this - he's hurt that I don't trust him enough to know that he still feels the way he did 24 hours or 2 months ago.

Anyway, I'm at a place where I'm trying to figure out whether I'm being too nitpicky, and maybe I'm looking a perfectly good horse in the mouth. He's so good in so many ways that I should be able to overlook the few shortcomings.

Whew! sorry about the novel!
starship
hey obelix! no offence to you but i feel slightly sorry for your boyfriend!..Although I'm not much of a talker myself so I guess I would have more empathy for his side. I'm naturally quite quiet too and I think that my boyfriend can get insecure because of it too at times. However the fact that you're having these doubts kind of gives the impression that you're not too sure you want to be in this relationship anyway. Is it possible that- despite thinking he's a nice guy- you just don't think he's right for you and so are looking for imperfections in him to justify your feelings? If not and it's just the communication problem then I'd say just be persistent and things should improve. A year is a long time but some people take longer than others before feeling completely uninhibeted conversation-wise. Me and my boyfriend were in a long-distance relationship and so we had to rely on the internet and phone to communicate. I think this helped me because I HAD to talk more to keep the relationship going. I now feel a lot more comfortable talking to him about anything without worrying about what he will think. Tell him how you feel (if you haven't already) but include the good and the bad so he's more likely to take in what you say. Perhaps if he's self-conscious some reassurance that you're with him because you like him and aren't going to care if he says something silly.

Meanwhile...my boyfriend's becoming completely paranoid and it's driving me insane!! Can anyone suggest common reasons for paranoia? Or even better- ways to stop it!?
nickclick
sandee, good to hear you and mr. colorado are talking about things. or i should say, he's open to your questions. i agree with all the smarties here... take it slow, and enjoy it too.

obelix, none of those things sound like deal-breakers to me. sounds like he's a good one and cares about you. he's not being tightlipped because he doesn't want to talk to YOU, just that he's not a big talker. right?
sexysandee
Obelix ~ He sounds like a sweet guy. Give him a chance... happy.gif
auralpoison
Obelix, the HB, he ain't a talker. Whereas I never shut the fuck up. It didn't take me long to figure out when we first started dating, that if he had nothing to say, he'd be silent. It made me paranoid. We've had to work on the communication thing & it's been a pain, but a worthwhile one. This sounds so lame, but last night he called just to say he loved & missed me. He didn't want to talk, he just wanted to hear my voice & we had a decidedly unbalanced, yet perfect exchange. "I love you. I miss you." "Right back at ya, babe. Blahblahblahblahblah."
sexysandee
QUOTE(starship @ Jan 24 2008, 06:04 PM) *
Meanwhile...my boyfriend's becoming completely paranoid and it's driving me insane!! Can anyone suggest common reasons for paranoia? Or even better- ways to stop it!?


Oh, wow, is he taking any new medications?
starship
QUOTE(sexysandee @ Jan 25 2008, 03:20 PM) *
Oh, wow, is he taking any new medications?


lol no..perhaps he should be though
LoveMyPugs
i don't think men in general are big talkers. they are doers, action takers and fixers. women are sharers and want to discuss and work things out. i think it's in both our natures. the old hunter gatherer thing. we stayed home with other women and chatted while working to pass the time. while the men went out and did the hunting. i don't think the two cavemen were discussing their wives while they were waiting in the brush for the buffalo to come along if you know what i mean.
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