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Italianwife88
The sad thing is after i wrote my last post I wrote him a text like ''hey you im going to take the trash down and get some lunch'' and he was a jerk because I said hey you... wtf
nickclick
something must be up his butt and he's using stupid excuses to get on your case.
LoveMyPugs
QUOTE
I feel like he doesn't really love me or something. As a woman I just need to be told or shown that I'm loved and that he's glad that were together and everything. He's never written me a romantic card or letter saying anything of the sort... in fact I received a blank card on valientines day with a teddy bear bought at the last minute on his way home from work... yes I understand he works 12 hours a day at a restaurant.... where I also work so there is not alot of secretive time do plan these romantic surprises...

i think most men think that once they have you they don't have to be romatic anymore. i think that in their minds romance is for when you are courting and that's it. Mr. Pug doesn't have a romantic bone in his body. I've learned to live without it. He has his other good qualities that I try to focus on. I'm not big on romance either anymore. I'd settle for down and dirty sex session but they are few and far between with his work and my schooling. Life sucks sometimes.
QUOTE
It seems like he cant even hug or kiss me goodbye without reaching down there, I feel like everything is about sex.

I know this is going to come off like I'm defending his behavior but I've found that this is how Mr. Pug shows me he loves me. I hug him and kiss him and tell him I love him. He gropes my boobs. Shit, when he doesn't do it I worry now.
QUOTE
I've been battling BV for sometime now and sex is painful at times and I tell him its painful but i grit my teeth and let me do it just to make him happy and he doesn't even think to forget about his urges because im sick.

i dealt with chronic yeast infections for a few years. they were the worst years of my life. i was in a lot of pain as well and it really hurt our sex life. we would do other things instead of intercourse but most of the time i felt so crappy i just didn't even want him to touch me. i never felt like he understood. I know Mr. Pug just feels less loved, wanted and attractive when I turn him down for sex but what are you supposed to do when it's painful right? I don't know. I'd say that instead of gritting your teeth and dealing with painful intercourse to instead give him a fun oral session. I mean he can't complain if your are helping him out and sparing yourself the pain. If he's not happy with that then fuck him. You can only do what you can do. Gritting your teeth and dealing with it is only going to build resentment and that is very hard to get rid of.
QUOTE
When ever we have a problem he dosnt want to talk about it, he'll ignore me the whole night and stay in the other room until the next day when he wakes up and pretends it didnt happen while he reaches down there once more.... of course.

He's just going into his cave to pout. He's not being mature or considerate. I mean I can understand his sexual frustration. If you two are doing other things to try to alleviate his need like oral or handjobs then he can't complain. What more does he want from you?
QUOTE
I dont know what to do anymore, we were once so in love he would tell me he was thinking about me and call me and draw these little pictures about me and write on the back that he misses me.... but thats all gone since we've been married and live together... i guess in his mind he's secured the prize.

Awwww, it's just a bad time. Everyone goes through them. It doesn't mean there isn't love still there. You are both just feeling neglected. It happens to everyone. Just try to keep working through it. Mr. Pug and I went through this for a few years (i kid you not). We got past it. You both can too. If it helps just keep posting your feelings in here if you don't feel he's listening. We are here for you.
QUOTE
are men just big jerks like this?

we all have our moments. mr. pug and i can be so mean and uncaring at times i don't know how we've made it almost 12 years.

added: i agree with nickclick, maybe there is something else bothering him and this is an outlet for him. not an excuse but might be what is really going on behind the scene.
Italianwife88
Your right about just posting my feelings made me feel better. Last night we watched some tv and he played a game for a few hours then we went to bed and he turned over and went to sleep and dint say goodnight or that he loved me or anything. so i just layed there then he said he couldn't sleep and he asked me what was wrong and i started crying and told him i was sad because he barley says he loves me unless i ask him if he loves me and he said he does love me and he let me cry in his arms before i fell asleep and I think he realizes that at this point in our relationship i need to hear it more often because today and this morning he made sure to say he loved me alot of times which i really appreciate and it has made my day so much happier.

thanks pug for all your kind words, your right about that being his way to say he loves me but like you said when i feel itchy or gross i dont want him down there and thats the gold for him, sometimes he needs to learn to settle for silver.

Im feeling tons better thanks yall

*hugs*
nickclick
glad you're feeling better! and listen to pugs, she is always right....
LoveMyPugs
blink.gif seriously, i don't know shit about shit. i learn something new every day about Mr. Pug. Sometimes when I think I know what he's going to do or say he throws me for a total loop and I'm flabbergasted. Have all of you not seen me come in here and post when I'm just frustrated out of my mind with my relationship? I need help often. I lean on my fellow busties for so much. I don't know what I'd do without you ladies.

Love you all,

Pugs!!!
swtgrl
My boyfriend (we'll call him "K") and I have been together for a little over nine months. biggrin.gif We've known each other for two years. Our relationship is amazing. He is the most understanding person I've ever known and he makes me feel amazing. He loves me and I love him and there's no doubt in my mind about it, but I still feel so insecure in the relationship. In all my past relationships (even non-romantic) I've been hurt and so my natural instinct is to put up a wall. He is the one person that I know has the ability to complete and utterly break my heart and it scares the sh** out of me! Is it just my age? (I'm only 20) Is it because the relationship is still relatively young? Is it just my imagination? He has given no reason at to doubt anything, I just keep thinking about this over and over again. I would just like some guidance I guess? I know the whole "you're young it's ok, you don't have to have it all figured out blah blah blah thing", this is different and I would really like to know if anyone else has been in this kind of situation and how to deal...it's definitely causing stress and I don't need anymore, I'm in college and that's enough!

Thanks ladies!

PS- i love this site, you are all awesome!
LoveMyPugs
QUOTE(swtgrl @ Mar 15 2008, 12:53 AM) *
Kenny and I have been together for a little over nine months. biggrin.gif We've known each other for two years. Our relationship is amazing. He is the most understanding person I've ever known and he makes me feel amazing. He loves me and I love him and there's no doubt in my mind about it, but I still feel so insecure in the relationship. In all my past relationships (even non-romantic) I've been hurt and so my natural instinct is to put up a wall. He is the one person that I know has the ability to complete and utterly break my heart and it scares the sh** out of me! Is it just my age? (I'm only 20) Is it because the relationship is still relatively young? Is it just my imagination? He has given no reason at to doubt anything, I just keep thinking about this over and over again. I would just like some guidance I guess? I know the whole "you're young it's ok, you don't have to have it all figured out blah blah blah thing", this is different and I would really like to know if anyone else has been in this kind of situation and how to deal...it's definitely causing stress and I don't need anymore, I'm in college and that's enough!

Thanks ladies!

PS- i love this site, you are all awesome!


swtgrl - welcome to bust

congratulations!! 9 months is something to be proud of.

Is it your age? Yeah, maybe a little. Is it because it's still relatively a new relationship? Yeah, maybe that too.

Girl, I've been with my man for almost 12 years and I still get insecure and worry that Mr. Pug will meet someone else and decide to leave me. I just tell myself that I do my best to make him happy but if there is someone else who can do it better then I'd want him to be happy with them. I'd be destroyed but I'd heal. I'd find someone new. I'd learn and grow. I'm a woman and a I'd survive. I hope that this never happens and I would stress about it if I allowed myself to so I try not to focus on those kinds of thoughts. I think about now and the wonderful future we have ahead of us. I love him so much and I know he loves me. I like to think that he'd never hurt me on purpose. He is someone who is very honest. He's totally against cheating. I am the same way. So, knowing all this I just try not to think negative what might happen thoughts. I enjoy us here and now. I can't really do much more then that right? Right!!! SOOOOO...

Neither can you. Just enjoy him and how he makes you feel. The first 18 months of a relationship are the most precious. You'll remember them when you have hard times in years to come. The moments you share now will help you through rough patches in the future. Mr. Pug and I still joke about our first kiss to this day.

Also, as you are together longer and get more comfortable with one another you'll stop thinking about those kinds of things. Give it time. He sounds like a 10!!!
swtgrl
Great start to the day for me. Thanks LoveMyPugs!!! It's nice to know that I'm not the only one experiencing those things!

And you're right he is a 10!

I tend to get stressed because I am an over-analyzer....I'm trying to be better and he is definitely helping me. I think we all do this to a point but I seem to be worse than anyone I know haha. So seriously, thanks because since I'm not the only one with those feelings it will calm me down a little bit.

I've actually read "The Five Love Languages" it is written by a Christian man, his name is Gary Chapman, but if you aren't a Christian it is pretty easy to skip over all of that because there's not much of it there. But it is great. It's helped us out a lot. And everyone I know that's read it has said that it completely transforms their relationships, even with family and friends. So if you haven't read it I totally recommend it! PLus, I'm pretty sure you can buy it a Wal-Mart haha.

So anyway, I have to go to work but I'll be checking back later!

Later girls!
Italianwife88
Pugs, your awesome! Always so helpful.

LoveMyPugs
QUOTE(swtgrl @ Mar 15 2008, 09:49 AM) *
I've actually read "The Five Love Languages" it is written by a Christian man, his name is Gary Chapman, but if you aren't a Christian it is pretty easy to skip over all of that because there's not much of it there. But it is great. It's helped us out a lot. And everyone I know that's read it has said that it completely transforms their relationships, even with family and friends. So if you haven't read it I totally recommend it!


Think I might have to buy this soon. I like that it comes on CD so I can listen to it while I'm washing dishes or doing laundry. It sounds very interesting.

Thanks for recommending it.

The therapist we saw a few years ago recommended this one to us. Mr. Pug swears it helped him understand me better.

Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps: How We're Different and What to Do about It .
obelix2
I didn't want to contribute money to the author, he always struck me as a bit ooky, so I never bought the book. But if you google "five love languages", there are lots of sites that explain the five languages and let you take a quiz to find out where you fall. I found it really interesting. There are ways of showing affection that I never thought of.
roseviolet
Italianwife, I'm happy to hear that things are so much better today. smile.gif I gotta say, that first year of marriage can be soooooooo hard at times. Even if you've known the person for ages and lived together before the wedding, there's bound to be a couple of incidents that are somehow magnified by the thought of OhMyGodImMarriedToThisPersonAAAAAHHH!!!! You just have to talk it out and love one another. Look over those vows and focus on working together to make your home a happy place for both of you.

swtgrl, about 5 years ago my therapist suggested that same book to me. It really is helpful. I also found that working on myself as an individual helped me have healthier relationships. "The Road Less Traveled" is a book that helped me a lot. Maybe you'll like it, too.

As for you & the boy, I totally understand why you might be hesitant to open up and expose your tender underbelly to someone. We all go through it at some point in relationships. It sounds like this guy is worth the risk, though. I suggest you go ahead and try opening yourself up to him, bit by bit. You don't need to break down that wall in one big crash. Just take it down, a little bit at first, & then see how that makes you feel. Is it scary? Of course! But if this guy is as wonderful as your heart says he is, then I bet he'll embrace you, warts and all. And then you'll be closer and your relationship will be better & stronger because of it. At least, that's how it worked for me & Sheff, so hopefully it'll turn out the same for you. smile.gif
pixiedust
I just wanted to pop in and give my thumbs up for the 5 languages of love too! Mr. Pixie and I both read it when we first started dating. It helped a lot! It actually helped me to understand why my first marriage ended in divorce,but it also made it clear where my pitfalls are, so Mr. Pixie and I don't make the same mistakes.
swtgrl
Thanks for the suggestions for the other books!

You know, the more I think about it...trying to understand a man completely is impossible so finding a common language we can both speak is the best bet! If you find the one that's willing to try and speak the same language then you're golden and I think my Superman (that's what I call him..dorky i know) definitely has!

Roseviolet- thanks...I think I tend to be on the dramatic side, so it's gotta be all or nothing and I've got to get over that! Bit by bit is a good start to that.

I don't want this to be me just taking advice and then that's it so if anyone needs help like I do, I'll try my best!!!! biggrin.gif haha

I've been a member like 5 days and I'm already addicted!
edie52
Sort of continuing on he general topic of insecurity, I want to talk about jealousy.

For starters, I'm in a long distance relationship. That's going fine, we've hit some rocky spots but in general we're still happy and I'll be home for good in 2 months. I'm generally pretty insecure in relationships and pretty much always have been. A few years ago my long term bf left me (partially) because he became interested in someone else, so that hasn't helped my fear, jealousy, and insecurity.

Current boyfriend is great and hasn't given me much reason at all to feel insecure. There's just one thing that's driving me crazy: I've been seeing on Facebook that he and this girl have been leaving comments back and forth, and recently he asked her out for coffee. He knows her from school. I met her only once- when we met I was with my boyfriend but the relationship was very new so maybe she didn't know who I was, and she was acting really flirty. I sensed some chemistry between them but I didn't say anything. She was even supposed to get him a job where she worked but it never happened (maybe she found out he had a gf, were my thoughts). She's cute and totally his type.

I know if I confront him about it he'll say "we're just friends" and I won't be able to say much more besides my irrational fears and he'll comfort me, but he'll also feel like I'm being crazy and possessive and maybe that will seem uncool. The thing is, they're not really friends, they're more like acquaintances, he never mentions her to me in conversation and as far as I know they haven't seen each other in a while (unless in passing) and are not close enough friends to make plans on a regular basis. I know tons of people from school/around and most of them I would not ask out for coffee unless I had a reason. He has a lot of female friends (he's so not a guy's guy) and obviously I can't have a problem with all of them. But when I see the messages they write to each other I feel sick (they're not inappropriate in content, though). There's also the fact that he's not trying to hide it (like by sending private messages instead), which I guess is a good sign. I don't think he's planning to cheat, I'm just afraid that if their "friendship" continues to develop they'll become interested in one another.

Argh. What would you guys do? I guess I should trust him, and let him do what he wants, trying to stop him from seeing her does not guarantee our relationship. I probably need to work on my insecurity as that is a big problem that's been following me around. But.... argh!
bunnyb
(((edie))) that would make me feel insecure too but I think you have to look at it like this: IF things do develop between them and your bf becomes attracted to her and he leaves you then you and him aren't meant to be. You can't hide him away from the female species for the remainder of your lives together and make yourself crazy with jealousy; you need to trust in the fact that he is with you because he loves you and wants to be with you and that won't change because he's hanging out with another girl but because his feelings for you will have changed and the relationship is no longer as you know it. However, the fact that he is being open on facebook with meeting up with her is a good sign as shows he has nothing to hide.

I hope that makes sense! I'm a firm believer in never worrying about the other girl (she can try all she likes) but having faith in your man and the way he feels about you.
edie52
Thanks bunnyb, that makes total sense, and that's what the rational part of me was thinking. But another part of me wants to scratch her eyes out! Which is kind of awful. I mean, she could be really nice, and not after my man.

QUOTE
You can't hide him away from the female species for the remainder of your lives together


This made me laugh. If only I could! No, I don't want to. I'd just prefer if he didn't invite pretty girls out for coffee.
starship
Ive had similar issues with my bf in the past edie (+ we're in a LDR too). Both of us have had those types of issues so we dont really use myspace etc anymore because it caused too many bad feelings and wasnt worth it. Id have comments from some guy and he'd read into them and get all jealous etc or visa versa. The thing is that if id been interested in these guys i would have communicated in a way more personal than comments on a website. Plus if there was even a chance of me fancying them or if i had anything to feel guilty about then i would not have been so open about talking to them. Im guessing your bfs probably the same and you have nothing to worry about. If i was you though Id still talk to him about it. yeah he'll probably just say everything you expected but it might make you feel better to hear it from his mouth anyway. He wont necessarily think youre posessive as long as you choose your words carefully. It's easy to get jealous in long distance relationships; expecially if it feels like his girl friends get to see him more than you do so im sure he'd understand. Plus maybe it was one of those ask-someone-out-for-coffee-but-have-no-intention-of-following-through kinda things. Don't dwell on it too much..he's with you afterall
swtgrl
edie-

i can't say much else about what all the other girls have said...but i can say this:

When superman and I began dating I had just gotten out of a 2 year relationship with an extremely possessive and jealous guy. It was miserable because he literally never had any reason to be that way. BUT everyone has their own insecurities and everything so the best thing to is just be honest with him but don't go crazy. Don't accuse when (and if you feel it's necessary) you ask him about it. (Notice I didn't use confront there.) Beginning sentences with "I feel" instead of "You make me feel" makes people in general more receptive and less defensive about what you have to say. That being said, if you do decide to talk to him about this, unless being defensive about things is in his nature, being defensive might detect something you need to talk about with him. Maybe he's just meeting the girl because she could help him with school work?

What Superman and I said the first night we even talked (we were friends before) is that we would be 100% honest with each other. And we have stayed true to that. I tell him even the dumb things now because he understands that I'm not accusing- I'm just curious and I have those insecurities. It doesn't make him love me any less. Seeing that all these other ladies have them too has actually made me feel better and I hope it has for you all too. Also, if he's not being understanding of your insecurities then it may not work out anyway. You don't need someone that won't accept all of you and that includes the bad things. Besides, the bad things in us just add a little character, we are all beautiful with or without them. (I am so cheesy, but it's true! tongue.gif )

I guess I had more to say than I thought!

~swtgrl
edie52
Thanks guys. It does make me feel batter knowing that a lot of other women/people feel the same way. I sort of talked to him about it last week (before I saw the coffee invite). It came up, and I admitted that I got jealous sometimes. He asked why and I mentioned that he has a lot of female friends, which is okay, and he wrote "yeah it is" (we were chatting so I couldn't hear his tone but it seemed a bit defensive). I replied of course it is, I just wish they were hideous monsters, and also that my feelings weren't necessarily rational but they were normal. He said that it's good to talk about these things. It's just that now I don't know whether to bring it up again, mentioning this girl specifically. That is a lot harder for me to do.

She's not helping him with school- he's out of school now. And he's not the type to write something like that if he doesn't mean it. Actually, he's not the type to write something like that at all. Though he has mentioned to me that he's been getting out less and he's bored, so maybe he's looking for new contacts? I would feel bad giving him shit for that, especially when I'm not there.

Starship, it's good that you guys could agree to stop using those sites, however for us it would feel really rash. We both use it partly to keep in touch with friends and family who are far away. I agree, the distance makes it harder. I get jealous when I'm home too but being away for 2 more months makes it feel way out of my control.
nickclick
edie, if he said it's good to talk things out, then talk it out again. like - this coffee invite thing is an example of the jealousy thing i was talking about last week. help me feel better about it.

at the same time, you can just decide to trust him, especially if he's given you no other reason not to. that's the most proactive thing you can really do in the situation so you don't worry.

mr.nick and i both have quite a few friends of the opposite sex. there's a couple that he's had for a while, and on one hand i wonder why he never dated them and am happy about it, and on the other i'm like - why didn't you like him, he's a sweetie! i have guy friends too that would be my perfect mates, in a parallel universe! my point is, don't worry that she seems like his type, or that just because you think he's irresistible means she does too! maybe she's into loser guys, or maybe even girls. you don't know.
nickclick
PS today mr.nick and i celebrate the 2-year anniversary of our 1st date! we now live in the town where we met. we're the only idiots that ate thai food on st. patrick's day.
chickenlittle
hey all, i haven't been here in ages but wanted to pop in and talk a bit about jealousy and insecurity...synchronicity!

(nickclick- happy anniversary!)

the bf and i have been together four+ years, minus a four-month breakup about a year and a half ago. the breakup was all about his freaking out about commitment and my mounting insecurity/jealousy about the women he surrounds himself with (ex-wife, women in his band, etc)- your basic trust issues. When we were getting back together, he made an enormous effort and just stopped all the flirting and chatting with new women. Just stopped! and it was a huge part of my feeling like I could trust him and get back together. To be fair, we're both relatively flirty- but I've never cheated on a partner or done more than flirt with a cute bartender (or some such silliness). As the band has gotten bigger over the last year, the flirting on his part has started up again, and it's nearly impossible for me to deal with. It makes me crazy. We've talked and talked about it. He insists that he's not going anywhere, and while I believe that (as much as I can), I feel like it's all about him having his cake and eating it too- he gets the supportive girlfriend AND the ego-stroking of the 22 year olds who like his band (no offense to 22 year olds). What could be bad? On the other hand, he's jealous and insecure about male friends I've known for years- and it makes things really difficult. There's no balance.

I do for the most part believe that he gets it and that he won't do anything to bust us up again- but it's hard to be okay about this kind of stuff when we've been through it before and it's ended badly. How do I get okay with the flirting (which in principle is totally normal, etc) without resorting to bullshit Cosmo-type games to make myself feel better?

Thanks, all.
zoya
chickenlittle - on the band tip - get used to it. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but as someone who's dated a couple guys in bands and have many guy friends in bands, the girls aren't going to go away. All of the guys I know who are in bands who have girlfriends or are married, are completely faithful to their wives, but the fact is, there is something about bands that make girls (and guys) want to hang around. and there is something about guys in bands that is appealing to a lot of girls. Most girls won't take it beyond just talking to a guy in a band, some do try to push it and don't give a damn if the guy is attached. I think that the whole thing lies in the strength of your relationship, and also how the guy handles it. All the guys I know in bands just talk to anyone as if they were out, outside the band, just talking to whoever. And they'll handle it tactfully yet firmly if a girl tries to push it. (and most of them will drop in the convo that they have a girlfriend if that warrants) But it sounds like you know all this..

The only thing I can suggest is that you don't push him on the flirting thing - yes, you can address it and say that certain things bug you, but I wouldn't go overboard. I'd say 1) focus on the relationship between you two, and build that. Do things together and all that other stuff that fosters you growing closer. A strong, healthy relationship will be far more attractive to a guy who is into you (and wants to be in a relationship, which he obviously does) than some random flirtation. 2) build your own life. I'm sure you already have your own life, work, things you like to do.. build that even more. Take a class, go to the gym, whatever. Don't do it at the expense of all your time with him, but focus on staying you. The healthiest relationships I see with guys in bands & their girlfriends are where the woman is strong and has her own life. Which is important, because the guy is doing music, playing, etc so much. and remember - if he's really serious about his band and music, which is sounds like he is - his music is always going to come first. It's just how it is. I don't think that's necessarily bad, it's just something to remember. and 3) cultivate some great girl friends. When you go to one of his gigs, make sure you have some of your girlfriends around to have fun with. Then you won't get bored off your ass while they're loading out afterwards, you won't have so much alone time to think about the girls who want to talk with him, you'll have some fun with your girls, and when you're hanging out with friends and having fun, just being your independent self that chooses to be with your cool man, your confidence exhudes. and that is sexy as hell, so other girls watch out!

anyway, I don't know if that helps, but I felt compelled to respond from experience.

oh, and just for the record, I'm really bad too.. I don't think I ever got used to it. Granted, I was dealing with other shit in the relationship that was putting a huge strain on it, so the whole band / girl thing just added to my insecurity and stress... but it wasn't the cause of it.
edie52
Chickenlittle, I would find that really hard as well. I think it is a good sign, though, that he stopped the flirting in the interest of getting back together with you. But very frustrating, I imagine, that things are now back to how they used to be.

I dated a guy in a band once. This never became a huge problem but I did have some issues with it. The way I saw it, being friendly to people who come up to talk after a show is perfectly understandable when you think of it in terms of promotion- refusing to talk to people or being cold could get you labeled an asshole (not that that's always a bad thing in the rock world- but in the independent scene forging connections is very important). But there's a difference between being friendly and flirting- though sometimes it's a fine line.

I also agree with pretty much everything zoya said- especially about building your own life. That is kind of a relationship ideal that I have for myself that I still haven't completely lived up to. It's something I'm constantly working on because I know a few people with relationships like that and they seem to be happy, healthy, and often last for years.

You said that you've "never done more than flirt with a cute bartender." I agree that that's pretty innocent... but I'm also becoming aware of the fact that our perceptions of our own actions vs. our partners' can be very different. I'm not a huge flirt, but of course I enjoy talking with or getting attention from attractive men. Yet I don't think twice about it making him uncomfortable (like you) because I know that I'm 100% devoted to my boyfriend. Meanwhile, I see my bf has asked an acquaintance out for coffee and I'm already playing our breakup out in my head. You may be perceiving it as less innocent than it is. My point is that it seems like he's devoted to you, so for the most part all you can do is trust him (and take all of zoya's advice!).

zora
I have a horrid question and I hate to ask it.
My boyfriend is going to propose to me next week in a very public place. I don't want to say yes right now. We've talked about marriage but I don't think either one of us is ready for it. I don't want to say "no" and risk embarassing him and ruing our trip, but I don't want to say "Yes" and then tell him later.
I have a really sick feeling in my stomach about this.
And I'm really sorry to barge in on the conversation like this but I am a little freaked out.
edie52
Eep, zora, how do you know?

I guess you should try to make it clear to him before this all goes down that you're not ready for marriage. In trying to do that it may become obvious that you know, but I guess that's better than the alternative.

Do you want to marry him someday? Could you be one of those couples who are engaged for a few years before tying the knot? Or do you not feel comfortable with that?
nickclick
i was going to ask the same thing, zoya..... are you not ready for marriage with him, or just not ready yet in this point of your life? a long engagement is possible, but only if that's what you want... not because you don't want him to feel embarrassed or bad.

did you hear about it from someone else? i ask because maybe the someone else could return the favor and spread the news to wait back to your bf.
dusty
No, I think you should find a way to tell him yourself before he pops the question. I think that's really important. And that way you get to make sure you tell him all the right reasons. Find yourself in front of a magazine rack with a gorgeous wedding dress on the cover of a magazine or something.
chickenlittle
thanks, zoya and edie- much appreciated. we've talked and he gets it, i think, and i get the whole band thing....sometimes, even with my own life and my group of girls and all that, it's still difficult. It was good to vent and I absolutely hear what you're saying. Thank you.

zora- i agree with dusty. I think it would be best to speak with him honestly before you end up in a situation you don't like, regardless of the particulars.
beck
zora - yikes!

if it's something you could've guessed (like, you're going to Paris and going up the Eiffel Tower!), could you make a joke about it like 'you'd better not propose to me or anything', so he can rethink his plans without losing face? might lead to a discussion naturally.

btw, totally get the sick feeling! personally i would hate that kind of public proposal, even if i was dying to get married, i would resent being put on the spot like that. (i don't really like surprises)

good luck!
zora
We're driving down to California and I think I'm going to bring up the topic then. It's a long drive and we have a lot to talk about. Thank you all for your advice.
nickclick
good luck zora!
kittenb
I have to add to the "good luck!!!!" zora. I also agree that you talking w/him is for the best. I hope it works out.
missladyj
chicken little,
on the band tip, I have been married to a musician/deejay/producer for 8yrs and trust is totally important. Women flirt with him in front of me or talk to him and ignore me and I think it is funny. I tease him about it / but the bottom line is that I trust him and he trusts me. I let him handle it because I know he can. Women are gonna flirt with him and you just have to remember that you're the one he comes home to, not them. good luck!
kittenb
I need to vent for few here. Just to be clear, this is me talking no longer under the influence of any hormone altering drugs. dry.gif

I just do not know where I stand with this guy. Yes, he seems happy, yes he is content but I am climbing the walls with frustration. How can we both be looking at the same calender and seem to see two totally different dates? For him 5 months is nothing big. He's been here before. For me, it is HUGE! And it bothers me that he doesn't get that. When I ask for a little clarity he seems annoyed, as if I should be as relaxed/mellow/unconcerned as he is. But I need more. I feel like I am the only one doing all the work here and taking all the chances. I need to know that he sees a future of some type. Otherwise, I don't get what we are doing. Are we working towards something? Are we just hanging out? What?!

All my life I have bounced b/w being "too much" for a person to handle or "not enough." But now I am tryin to be slower and patient and that just makes me unsure of myself. Like there are things I want to say but I stop myself for fear of making him uncomfortable. Why doens't he ever worry about making me comfortable?

Is there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with him? Everyone who sees us together says that it is obvious that he is into me. Why am I the one person who cannot see that?

Thanks for listening. BTW, before anyone tells me to relax please realize that if I could do that I probably wouldn't need to post here as much. I just don't know what I am doing and there is no guide book.
stargazer
um, kittenb, what is he doing that communicates that he is not into you? or, that makes you question his level of interest in you? have you had the exclusive-dating talk or refer to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend?

just curious.

i can understand wanting some clarity.
kittenb
I know, you're right. I am being insecure. I know this but that isn't changing anything. I want to know more and I am making myself crazy.

I know a big part of this is all of my "survivor" stuff but the fact is, as long as he is dating me, he is dating a rape survivor. A mostly-healed-well-on-my-way survivor but a survivor nonetheless. I just have to keep reminding myself that my "work in progress" status does not destroy my ability to not screw this up. rolleyes.gif

And to answer your question, we are exclusive and have been for awhile. I think a lot of this is being fired up b/c everyone keeps asking me if I am having Easter dinner with his parents and all I can say is "No, haven't met them yet." He is not a place where he wants us to meet yet while I know that if my parents lived closer they would have met by now. It's bothering me.
stargazer
sorry that you are feeling stressed out. relationships bring out alot of issues for people. even good relationships. i hope you are feeling better.
roseviolet
Kitten, you say you want "more", but what does that mean? What exactly do you want?

I can understand your frustration about not meeting his parents, but maybe things are done dfferently in his family. Perhaps he's never formally introduced any of his girlfriends to his parents. Have you asked him about this?
nickclick
how is his relationship with his parents? i mean, maybe it's not you that he's keeping from them, but vice versa.
kittenb
See that is the thing that I hadn't considered. When I asked him he said he isn't that close to the them so why would he have introduced me to them. Well, as he does dinner with them about every three weeks I assumed that he was close to them. I mean I see my parents once maybe twice a year but my mom and I talk all the time. I tisn't that big a deal for my friends to know my parents and if we lived closer know that he would have met them by now. Not as any big planned event, just in the course of things. I am getting the impression that things are more formal in his family.

As for the issue of "more"... it is hard to say what that means which is why I know it is unfair to expect him to achive a standard of it. I want more of him, more affection, more assurances. I feel like that old country song, "Why Can't a Woman Be More Like a Man," but in reverse. If this makes no sense, I am sorry. I think what I mostly need to know is that I am doing this okay but I need to hear it from him.

As I said below I know a lot of this is my survivor shit coming up to the surface. It happens every so often. I just need to know that he can handle me even when I feel crazy. I need him to tell me that I am not too much. I feel like being in a relationship with me is work and while I know in my heart that I am worth the effort I want to hear it from him.
konphusion26
deleted
roseviolet
Kitten,I understand you better now. When you said you wanted "more", I thought you meant that you wanted to get engaged or something! blink.gif

If you just need a little more affection and some reassuring words, just tell him that. I know it would be nice if he could read your mind and automatically know this stuff, but sometimes we need to teach people what we need. For instance, my mom taught my dad that usually when she's upset or crying, all she really needs for him to do is hug her and tell her that everything is going to be okay. She readily admits that it's cheesy and stereotypical, but true nevertheless. The average guy won't get the hang of this right away, so don't be surprised if you have to talk about this a few times.
edie52
Kittenb, I don't really have any advice, I just wanted to say I can relate. I also need a lot of reassurance. In the beginning of a relationship I fake confidence, but it seems to quickly fade. I'm at that point with my boyfriend now (we've been together almost a year). He gives me less and less reassurance, and I need it even more. Example: last fall I remember sending him a short email during the day saying how I was feeling really down. He called me in the middle of the night just to tell me how much he loves me and how special I am. Now, even though he still tells me those things sometimes, I feel he's gotten comfortable and just doesn't think of it as much, or go out of his way like he used to. I've told him a few times that I can be insecure and need a lot of reassurance, but it hasn't sunk in. In fact today when we were talking about it he basically told me to just get over it. I thought that was kind of asshole-ish (he's far from being an asshole though), but he said he meant that I just need to relax because he loves me, and I don't have any reason to worry.

This was also a problem in my last long term relationship (along with my jealousy, same thing almost), which ended when my ex became interested in someone else. He was honest with me about it and didn't even end up with her, but I freaked out and it brought up lots of other problems and ended things. What I realized then that my jealousy had not prevented my worst fears, au contraire. But because of the way it ended I have a continuing need for reassurance. It's an awful cycle though- every time I ask for reassurance I feel needy, and fear that this relationship will go the way of my other one because I'm acting the same way. I'm trying to break the pattern. I've been trying to work on my confidence inwardly each day, and I try to talk to him about it without freaking out. But honestly, yes, I too "want more." But I'm in an LDR, as well.

So, yeah, just thought I'd share. Can you tell I'm neurotic?

Kitten, I do think Rose's advice is good. Talk to him, try to come across clearly. And you may have to make peace with the fact that you won't always get exactly what you need, when you need it. But if he truly makes an effort, it will show that he really cares. And I think that could be enough.

ellievee
hello all!

so, when i first started dating my boy, i was a little suspicious as to why he never talked to or about his parents. i knew that his mother and extended family were extremely religious and had given up on him for being atheist. he explained to me that he hadn't even gotten christmas presents in about 15 years, hadn't been invited to easter dinners, family gatherings, or even his mother's wedding when she re-married about a month ago. he explained to me that the reason she and his father got divorced (many years ago) was mainly due to his father's radical atheism and his mother's fanatical religious beliefs. his father, sometime after the divorce, committed suicide.

regardless, she picked up with another man who had a younger son from a previous marriage. though his son and my boyfriend were (and still are) very close, my boyfriend explained to me that his mother concentrated all of her attention on her new man and new "son," nearly forgetting about him. my boyfriend moved out at 16 and put himself through college at NYU and now has a masters in engineering. he said that all through college and up until the past few months, his mother never even bothered to contact him, which he seemed okay with. he'd mention how his mother was mean and never helped him with anything, and probably didn't even want him (she had him when she was 17).
but recently, his mother has been contacting him. she's called him at work a few times, just to talk and check up on him. the first few times she called, he said he told her all about me and our apartment and his job, and it was awkward, but nice.

last night, we were laying in bed talking about sunday when we visited my parents for easter, and how much he likes my parents and feels as if he has a 'family' with mine. we were discussing lots of mushy, love stuff when he confessed to me that he thinks his mom might just be trying to get close to him again because she's dying. he told me that she has lung and liver cancer, and although she is young, hasn't been healthy for the past ten or so years, but that she most likely won't admit it to him. he explained that he thinks the reason she recently got married (though she had been dating his step-dad for years) was because she probably has little time left. he got quiet, and i knew it was because he was going to cry. i know he must have a million different feelings. his mother, who has been out of his life for years and who has treated him with less than love, is suddenly interested in becoming close with him again. i can't imagine what it would be like to have to lose your mother, whether you were close or not. i know he's mad at his mother, but also doesn't want to lose her. last night, i didn't know what to say, so i held him until we fell asleep. i can't even begin to think of how i might otherwise console him, not only if/when she passes away, but now, to help him cope with all of his conflicting feelings. thanks for listening, sorry it's so long, any words of wisdom would be appreciated.
dusty
(((Ellievee))) It sounds like you're doing the right thing, being supportive, not assuming that you know what he's feeling.

(((Kittten))) My last boyfriend I dated for over a year before he thought about introducing me to his family. I guess we started dating in September, and not that Christmas, but the following Christmas, he wanted to bring me home. By then I wanted to break up with him, and anyway, I really didn't want to meet his parents for the first time at Christmas when I could have met them any old weekend. In the end, it seems like he was more into me than I was into him, which is a long way of saying that it doesn't necessarily mean anything if a guy doesn't bring you home. I can tell you though that it still pissed me off.
shinyx3
ellievee, sometimes the most supportive thing you can do is listen and be there when he needs you. it sounds like that is what you have done so far. i would caution you about giving him advice as his is a situation that only he can truly relate to and what you see an one way he may see as something else. so i would say just listen to him and be there for him. these times can be trying but they can also create a stronger bond between you.
ellievee
thanks for the support!
that's what i've been doing, just listening, comforting him. he's been more relaxed about it lately, and said that i really helped him feel better. he decided without me giving him any advice that he would continue to talk to her and that we'd go visit her soon. i think he thought (like i did) that no matter what she did in the past, she does love him. also, with her having been an alcoholic, i believe that probably, most of the time, that was controlling her and she wasn't "herself." after he said that he'd get closer to her, i told him i thought he made the right decision. not like he has to forget or forgive her for the terrible things she did to him, but now they can start over.
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