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deschatsrouge
((((Loony Busties))))

Thanks for all your support, After I wrote my last post I went home and Mrs. Rouge and I had a very long and emotional talk. I told her what I told you. She does have really severe depression, and it has nothing to do with our lack of emotional connection. She and I have decided that we are going to focus on getting her well. She is going to spend the summer kicking her depression in the butt. I love her too much to let this drive us apart. I'm going to be supportive of her as she recovers from depression and treat this time in our relationship as a winter, spring will come again. Right now I'll just have to frequent the masterbation thread more offen.
kittenb
I am very happy to hear that deschatrouge!
edie52
So. Have we talked about co-habiting here?

Boyfriend and I are thinking about doing it, but I'm unsure because... well, because I just am. And I think "if I'm unsure, we should probably just wait." Thing is, we both want to move, and we want the same things in a place. We're interested in the same kinds of places in the same neighborhood, we have similar taste and would want to live in similar ways. Co-habiting seems like such an attractive option because you only need to use one room as a bedroom. However, I don't think convenience should make this big decision for us.

When I ask him he also says he's unsure. We've both lived with one other partner in the past and we're both cautious now. I don't want us to get sick of each other or fall into spending all of our time together and becoming totally predictable.

I like how it is now, having 2 places we can go to. Right now we live in 2 different 'hoods, not too far from each other, and it's kind of nice having options of where to go, and spending the occasional night apart. On the other hand, when both of us are busy, it can be a hassle to go from place to place, or have to wake up and go home in the morning. We both think we'd enjoy living together more than with our current roomies (mine: messy, his: bossy).

When we discussed it I said "it is kind of a big commitment," and something about how it's "the next level." He didn't really seem to think so. I said that if we moved in together, and then he decided to move out, I would feel rejected and think that our relationship was ending (that's what happened in my last relationship). He seemed surprised by that. Of course if it wasn't working we could move apart, and still stay together... y'know, in an ideal world.

What do you guys think?
LoveMyPugs
edie - everyone knows here that I'm a pretty opinionated person and sometimes that's a bad thing. I personally think that if two people can't live together it's kinda pointless to date. I mean if the two people just want to date and be completely independent of one another and lead seperate lives and come together when they feel like it then okay but if you can't live together and you want a future then it just seems to me like it won't work out right? I mean Mr. Pugs and I were nervous moving in together but it just seemed naturally like the next step. it sounds like that for you too. I mean neither one of you sounds happy in your current living situation and you both sound like you get along well. I'd say go for it.

This whole thing about living together and spending all your time together is also very confusing to me. Mr. Pug and I live together. We own a house. I mean yeah we are together a lot but then on the other hand we aren't. He's downstairs playing Playstation and I'm upstairs on the computer. He's out in the yard I'm inside reading. Friends come over and the guys do their thing and the girls chat in the kitchen. I mean we aren't holding hands side by side 24/7 if you know what I mean. Many, many times a day we are in the same house but not spending time together and that's still okay.
p_176
in response to edie....if you live together, and then later decide you don't want to live together, it will be hard to continue dating. it's possible to work it out and continue the relationship, but in my opinion, it's unlikely. my guy and i were talking about living together, and in that discussion, we had to bring up what did "living together" mean for our relationship? will we get married? are we going to be happy just dating/not being married? as well as discussing how to handle chores and bills and such. depending on if you will have an apt or a house, you may want things written in a legal document.
edie52
Thank you both.

Yes, that's what I think, too, p_176, (that it will mess things up if we can't live together, and try to move apart and keep dating). For some reason he doesn't get it. That's what I meant when I told him it was a big commitment. It's making me think about the future of our relationship in absolutes: we'll either live together for a long time and maybe get married, or we'll break up and have to move apart, which will be traumatic and probably even harder than breaking up when you're not used to living with someone. It's a risk. One I'm willing to take at some point, when the time is right and if we're on the same page. If I said all this to him it would probably freak him out. Or he would say that I'm being extreme. He likes to believe that things can work ideally in many different ways. Which they can, but as you said, it's unlikely.

We haven't talked about marriage or anything because we're still pretty young and not so financially stable, or sure of where we want to be in 5 or 10 years. Also, we've only been together for a year, a lot of which was long-distance, which of course still counts. We went through a lot together with that, and a big commitment was made when we decided to go through with it (we'd only been together a few months then). We also traveled together for 2 months.

Pugs, it sounds like you guys have found a good balance. I guess it also helps that you've been together for so long, and that you've made the commitment of buying a house. You're also engaged, right? So I guess there are less questions hanging in the air about your commitment to one another and your future together.

We're seeing 2 places tonight. I just have a feeling that one of them will be beautiful and the ideal place for us. Living with him would be lovely- nice things, good food, clean house. It's the big issues that make me hesitate.
LoveMyPugs
edie - yes we are engaged but in my mind we are married. society says that we need a piece of paper to be completely, physically, emotionally, finacially, legally committed to one another. we both think this is bullshit. i get so much pressure as a woman to be married and have a wedding and i just don't care about those things. why do we have to be "married"? as of this moment i can't really think of anything that we couldn't work through and stay together. i mean the day he proposed we practically said our vows to one another. when people ask me when we are getting married because they see my ring i just want to tell them to fuck off. i mean i know it's a common question that follows after seeing a beautiful engagement ring on a woman's hand but it's irritating to have to explain to people (especially those who are married) that we don't think being "legally married" is important for us. everyone wants to put their two cents in. sometimes i don't want to wear it anymore. i love it and it's beautiful, REALLY BEAUTIFUL!! but the expectations that come with it drive me crazy. after i graduate i think if we want to it will be something simple at the justice of the peace. maybe a picnic afterwards or something if we even do that. it's hard when you've been together so long and everyone thinks they know what's best for you. i'm sure it's the same for ladies who are married and don't want to have children. the expectation to have children has to be exhausting. i had a teacher ask me if we set a wedding date and i told him no and he said, "Oh well, so basically your single then." FUCK YOU!! I'm not single. I'm fully committed to my man and have been with him longer then your entire marriage. then there is the whole "why by the cow when you can get the milk for free thing". i get that a lot from older women. i'm going to go buy a wedding ring and wear it so people will leave me alone. my mother would have a fucking fit.

as far as moving in with Mr. Edie. go for it!! don't be scared. there are risks and there will be changes and adjustments but if you love one another then just go for it. it's now or never. there is no time like the present. why put off till tomorrow what can be done today. and all those sayings. laugh.gif
roseviolet
Edie, I say trust your gut. And from where I'm sitting, it sounds like your gut is saying, "Not yet."

I totally understand the inconveniences of living seperately. There are so many pesky little annoying things (Like the day when you have to attend a meeting and you want to wear those grey slacks but, dammit, you left them at his place again. Grrr.). But eliminating a few annoyances is not a good enough reason to move in with your boyfriend. There's too much emotional luggage involved.

It sounds like your boyfriend is seeing this as just a matter of convenience. As far as he's concerned, he's just swapping one roommate for another. Granted, his new roommate will be someone he really likes a lot more than anybody else around, but it's clear that he has a grossly different position on this than you do. For you, Edie, this is a big step in your relationship. It's a sign that you are a Serious Couple. It's one step closer to getting engaged. This isn't about just saving time and money. It's about going to the next level in your relationship.

Here's my take on this.
If you're not on the same page about this, I don't think you should move in together. I'm afraid it could lead to big trouble (and you've been through this before, so I don't think I need to spell out how awful it is). Living with a girlfriend is much different than living with a roommate. Perhaps his inability to comprehend the difference is part of the reason why it didn't work out the last time he moved in with a girlfriend. I say you should take some more time living apart. Then if things continue to progress and you find that the two of you want to move in together for the same reasons, then go ahead and start hunting for an apartment. No one is saying it will never happen. I simply think that maybe it shouldn't happen yet.
sybarite
Edie, I agree with RV. If you're feeling ambivalent about living with him, for whatever reason, you may want to wait a bit. To add to what others have said below, I think you're right to consider what living with him means for the relationship.

I have lived with two men. One was my bf when I was 19. We lived in a seriously expensive city so we moved in together about 2 months after we got together. It was sudden but we had fun living together. I ended up leaving him though, as I felt I was too young for the commitment he wanted. We kept dating after I moved out, but it wasn't the same and my moving out was construed as a first step towards leaving the relationship--as indeed it was.

I've been living with my longterm bf for over 3 years now, but we are both fiercely independent and only started living together 4 years into our relationship. We are engaged and very much planning to live our lives together, so for us living together now is a natural evolution. I know other couples, however, who have happily kept separate places for years (okay, 2 couples, but it works for them).

Do what you feel comfortable with. You can always move in together further down the road if it's what you both want. It's more complicated to move out again and stay in the relationship.
beck
edie, i'm with RV and syb on this - don't rush it. my bf and i moved in together after 2 years together - we discussed it after a year (our rental contracts were both up for renewal) but didn't quite feel ready. We both had really great flatmates and enjoyed having our own space, and weren't quite ready. i think if we had, it probably would have been fine, but we might have felt tied down a bit too soon. Once we did move in a year later, we were really ready and it felt like a real committment rather than a convenience thing. A nice side-effect was that during the second year of living seperately we got to know each others' flatmates really well and are all really good friends now.
LoveMyPugs
see i didn't really get the vibe that you weren't ready. i'm getting the vibe that you have normal moving in together jitters. if you are really that nervous about it then yeah, like everyone else said just follow your gut by all means. no pressure from pugs over here. i was just trying to be supportive and encouraging but seriously just do what you think you should do. when i moved in with mr. pugs i got no support from anyone which made the whole situation more scary. i wasn't trying to do that to you. that was my whole motive. sorry... smile.gif
likeanyother
edie, I agree that moving in together is taking your relationship to the “next level” or whatever. I moved in pretty early (after like 3 or 4 months) with my previous boyfriend and eventually we ended up in this really weird place in which we weren’t headed toward marriage, didn’t want to break up, but weren’t getting along. We got separate apartments and tried to “date” but it totally fell apart. Relationships rarely do work in retrograde.

It is undoubtedly easier and safer to take it slow, and, as had been suggested, you can always move in together later. But, with that said, I do not think that living together is what makes or breaks a relationship (if it does, I think it probably points to a major discrepancy elsewhere, just manifested by sharing a living space). If the relationship is strong and it’s working, then you’ll be together whether you live together or not, and vice versa. I mean, who knows about the future, maybe one of you will end up moving away for school or a job or something, and then you’ll have time to figure out whether you guys are “lifers.” I guess what I’m trying to say is, either way there’s positives and negatives, there probably isn’t necessarily a “Right” decision, I think whatever you decide, as long as you’re committed to it and to making the relationship work, you’ll be okay. Good luck!
edie52
Thank you all!

Pugs, I'm not even sure myself whether it's normal jitters or if I'm actually not ready. But add to that the fact that he also seems unsure when it's brought up... he seems to really want to try living alone, which he's never done before, and I want to live with just one other person (him or a roommate) in a place that's cleaner and more spacious.

It's kind of funny, even though we've pretty much decided a few times to wait, every time we see an ad for a place that sounds great and seems perfect for us we reconsider. We both just get really excited about things like gas stoves and old moldings and claw-foot bathtubs. I totally, totally agree though, saved time and money (or beautiful hardwood floors) should not be the primary reason for us to do this.
kittenb
Just a quick flyby to say, well, I am finally meeting the parents of my boyfriend. Tomorrow for brunch. I'll be sure to post about!
roseviolet
Great news, Kitten! Hope you all have a great time. smile.gif
kittenb
I think meeting the parents went very well. We just a had a simple brunch in their backyard. They've lived in their house for about 30 years. I feel like it is rare to find a big backyard in Chicago unless the family is really rich, which they are not, but it also felt nice and homey. I kind of gushed over the garden but it was lovely so I wasn't lying. Most of the conversation was b/w his mother and I. She was sweet but I could tell she was total checking me out for future grandbabies. rolleyes.gif The first thing she said to/about me was, "Oh and she has red hair, too!" which was the first thing my mom said when I mentioned that while The Geek was mostly bald, he was a red head. Ah, mothers.
The rest of the weekend was very nice as well.
obelix2
Congratulations, kittenb! I'm glad that you got along with them so well.

I'm dealing with the evil green monster. My boy's ex-girlfriend is back in town for the summer, and she's single again. They dated for about 1.5 years, about 2 years before we got together. They lived together, and she was there for him when his parents died. He freely admits that he will always love her as a friend. But she has been a twat to me. The worst situation: During a BBQ, she walked up in between me and the boy, turned her back to me, and proceeded to talk to him. My boy noticed it, but he's so shy that he didn't do anything. Later, he assured me that she probably didn't mean anything, that she's just as socially awkward as me.

Anyway, I'm completely freaking out. What if she tries to get him back? What if he decides that he'd rather be with her than with me? She's more athletic and artistic than I am, which makes her much more compatible with my boy. The worst part is that I keep bringing these things up to the boy, practically beating him over the head with the conviction that she's going to usurp me. I know that it makes us both miserable, and that my whining is so unattractive.

Confidence is so attractive. How do I get there? I haven't seen her this summer yet, but I know it will eventually happen - this is a damn small town. How do I walk into a room and act like I'm confident that my boy would never leave me for her? How do I make myself actually believe it?

I trust him completely to not do anything wrong. He was in a sexless marriage for five years, and never once strayed a bit. But I don't trust her. I could see her flirting with him in front of me, just to show that she can. I could see her trying to seduce him, just to be powerful. They see each other at school frequently, but I know my boy doesn't tell me about every interaction, because I fly off the handle about each incident. She's been a great friend to him, and my best friend is also my ex-boyfriend.
roseviolet
Kitten, glad to hear that the meet-up with the 'rents went well! Are you feeling a bit more secure with the boy now? How did he feel about the meeting?

Obelix, sorry to hear you're going through this. You say that your best friend is also your ex-boyfriend. How did you tell your current boy about this? How did he feel? What did you do to make him more comfortable with that situation? Did you tell your boy every time you spoke to your best friend until it became clear that he had nothing to worry about? What ways did you assure your current boy that the ex isn't a threat? How does your best friend treat your boy? If you - any of you - took any extra steps to ease your current boy into that unusual situation, then it makes sense that the same should be done now that the shoe is on the other foot.
kittenb
Sorry for the delayed response. I wanted to take a few days to really think about the answer. The buy and I had a great weekend and it is hard to be objective when I am feeling all sparkly. rolleyes.gif

yes I am feeling more confident in the relationship but it is effort! Gods I don't think I ever realized how much energy being in love takes and gives and creates. It can be overwhelming. Much of my insecurity comes from the fact that he hasn't said "I love you" yet. However, when I don't focus on that I can see how much he cares about me. When he came over on Friday I had a violent headache. He rubbed my shoulders and neck to help out and actually listened when I gave him some tips on how to do it better (I am a massage therapist so I know what I am talking about.) He bought Kettle corn, which I love and he doesn't care for and then he bought me a bottle of my favorite wine b/c I couldn't afford it. He takes care of me.

The issues that were making last month so hard was that I felt like he was unwilling to make any step forward. He wouldn't introduce me to his folks and his apartment is so messy that I refuse to go there. So there was a limit to where we were growing. However the meeting with his parents was his idea and no one else's. That means something. I'll let the apartment thing go for awhile. Maybe he will spontaneously learn how to clean or something.

His parents liked meeting me. He seemed to think it went well.
tankgirl
I think my 5 year relationship is ending. I don't really know what to do. I just picked up my whole life and moved 5 states away with him to be near HIS friends. I am flat broke, no job, and the only people I know here are his friends. We have been fighting viciously for 4 days straight. He all of a sudden has a problem with me being vegan, me wanting to hang out with his friends (well, duh, I don't have any of my own yet here), and the way I talk to him when he's being annoying (I act nice and listen instead of telling him to STFU) i hate to admit this but all of these fights stem from him over drinking because he is "stressed." This shit never happened when we lived in another state a month ago. My life is hell and I don't know what to do. I would just pack up and leave if I had somewhere to go. If it were that simple I guess we wouldn't be fighting this much. But living in a strange new city esp where we live (near where the hookers hang out) I can't leave the house alone past dark. Sorry for the vent, I'm heartbroken.
kittenb
{{{tankgirl}}} I am so sorry to hear how hard everything is right now. sad.gif If the problem really is his drinking then, as you seem to know, he's got to fix that before he can be fully in the relationship. Maybe it is time to check out Craig's List or local housing services to see if there is a place you can stay, short term, until you can get on your feet. Can you ask your family to help you out?
Best of luck. {{{hugs}}}
pollystyrene
((tankgirl)) I hope you're okay out there- keep us posted! unsure.gif
dj-bizmonkey
i haven't been in here for a long while but i just wanted to test the waters out there.

my ldr boyfriend moved down here to be with me for the summer about a month ago. now, i am a total contol/neat freak and i've had to let alot of things go. but when it comes to money, i just can't chill out. he keeps reassuring me that it will all 'come out in the wash,' or 'work itself out in the end.' i can't jive with that. i need a system. he thinks it don't trust him, that i think he's trying to screw me out of money or something. i don't think he is consciously trying to screw me, but when you have a carefree attitude about money that is will 'all work out in the end,' i think it's possible to screw me inadvertantly. he thinks i'm some kind of shylock (not meant to be anti-semitic, just referencing the shakespeare character) and has now suggested that we seperate everything, including groceries. to me, that is ridiculous, i just want a more concrete system. i don't want to be labeling pats of butter with my initials.

it's too early for a joint checking account. i suggested we have a cookie jar which we each put $20 into each week for communal stuff, like food, lightbulbs, detergent, paper towels etc. that would make me feel better, because i know that there is an equal amount of money going into the jar. it would also keep things communal. he got really defensive when i suggested it and reiterated how he thought i didn't trust him. i guess i don't trust him, but not in the way that he thinks.

help! how do you live-in couples (without merged assets) handle the finances?
sybarite
'i don't think he is consciously trying to screw me, but when you have a carefree attitude about money that is will 'all work out in the end,' i think it's possible to screw me inadvertantly.'

I don't think this is unfair. I'm sure he doesn't intend to put you in a situation which makes you anxious, but if who spends what on what is unclear that can cause anxiety.

I've never had a lot of money, which means I've gotten very good (well, usually) at budgeting. The bf and I have worked freelance for years, and we are both aware of how careful we need to be.

I think an organic approach to finances, however romantic, can easily build up resentment. I personally think then when we both know where we stand financially, we can relax more without niggling financial worries. Easier said than done, and it's taken a while, but they way we work it is separate accounts, separate payments for everything. We've lived together for 3 1/2 years and deliberately do not pool our finances. A large part of this is because he has a daughter who lives with us who he has to cover as well. Things get blurry when we buy food for the house, but otherwise it's separate. This means we can be romantic, take each other out to dinner etc, and we each know that if that's on offer, whoever is offering can afford it.

How much you love each other and how you each spend your money are separate things IMO, particularly if you don't have children. He should be able to pay his way, unless you have clearly agreed to support him during a specified timeframe. I know I may sound harsh, but you're not being unromantic when you're simply trying to budget. Treats are good, but non-specified spending can lead to resentment, IME.
konphusion26
Dj-biz: one thing I have learned with dealing with finances and relationships, if you feel uneasy about something Do not do it. I am like you in the aspect of being that way about money. I've been married for a year and we still have separate accounts. Just easier to manage what's what that way I think. Like you'll know exactly what you're putting in/taking out, and vice versa. We both pay rent, both buy food but everything else is split down the middle. I pay the bills that I was paying before he moved here (gas, cell phone, credit card, cable, etc.) and he pays what he was paying before, etc. I really just think you should follow your instincts on this. The money jar is a great idea!! I don't feel that was unfair for you to bring up at all. And honestly, in my experience, I don't think its about not "trusting" him - but you never truly know how people manage or spend their money till you live with them. Period.

Money.Jar.Is.Excellent! Good luck!
lux
money and relationships is a though combination. keeping this short: the money jar is a great idea!
I think it might be a good idea to explain to your boyfriend that the money issue is not about trust (i'm sure you've told him that already), but about you stressing out about a budget. And i would assume he doesn't want you stressing out about something that you guys can easily fix. Talking about it more of as your issue might make him more open to the thought that you're not suspicious about him.
Not sure how well this actually works, but might be worth trying, if you haven't already. But what ever you do, it's important to find some satisfying solution or as said before resentment will build up, unfortunately. I hope you'll work it out and have a great summer!
Mr Pugs
Back in our apartment days, LMP paid for the food and her gas, and I paid everything else. It worked out that way because I made more money. If you guys are going to split all the bills down the center, take an average of what each bill comes out to and try to split it that way. Example: if you spend $200 a month on groceries, and the electric bill is 200 you pay that and have him pay the electric bill.

Not to completely derail the thread but customer charges on bills pisses me off big time...our natural gas bill was 14.31 this month and 10.71 of it was a customer charge!!! When I called and asked what exactly the customer charge got me, they didn't know....arrrrgh...
dj-bizmonkey
thanks so much everyone! things have cooled down between me and j and he's agreed to move forward with the communal funds idea. i don't think either one of us realized how huge of a transition from being LDR to living together would be. even though i find myself irritated by lots of little things, the core stuff is still there. i may want to strangle him, but if i look at him long enough and keep in mind why we are together in the first place all of that anger just melts away. thanks for all the advice!
tankgirl
Things have been a lot better with my relationship. I am not really putting all my trust back into it just yet but we talked things over and understand each others feelings. We weren't communicating and the stress got to both of us. We still have a lot to deal with the drinking thing.
juliaolive
Tank, that's great!
It must be hard for you to be so far from home, and it sounds like, a little bit isolated from the outside world. It seems as though you've made a very big leap and commitment by leaving your home state and pursuing this relationship, so obviously there is something there to work for and fight towards (maybe that's an overly obvious point to make, I'll admit I'm very tired). Clearly I don't really know the whole deal, but maybe he's aware that his drinking is a problem and feels self-conscious about it, perhaps even a little attacked or victimized (obvi I'm not suggesting that you are attacking him etc. more that he might be supper sensitive about it), so maybe that's why he's been lashing out at you in very bizarre ways, almost like he's attacking your person.

Anyhow, I'm super glad to hear things are working out for the better!
JO
LoveMyPugs
I know, I know this is a cheesy article but for some reason it made me smile because this is totally something that would happen to Mr. Pugs and I.

Almost Perfect
Redbook Magazine
By Hugh O'Neil


One husband learns he's not the stuff his wife's fantasies are made of. Will his pride (and their marriage) survive?

My wife and I were in bed one night, watching folksinger James Taylor on the tube, when my world was changed forever. "Now, he's my type," Jody purred hungrily.

"Pardon me, doll?" I said, sure I'd heard her wrong.

"He's my type," she repeated, suddenly aware of what she'd said and how she'd said it.

"Your type?" I croaked.

"Yeah, you know, all tall and lanky," she effused, trying to act as though this was something we'd both known forever. "I'm a sucker for a tall drinka water."

I wondered two things: when exactly my wife had turned into Miss Kitty from Gunsmoke, and whether I'd be able to draw breath again anytime soon.

Who says marriages have no surprises? Twenty-five years into mine, I had just been poleaxed with a revelation. First, the bad news: There is a class of tall, gangly men to whom my wife is, at some creature level, attracted. Then, the worse news: At 5 feet 10 inches, 185 pounds, I am nobody's tall drinka water. Turns out, I am not my wife's type.

Over the next few days, I tried to convince myself that it didn't matter that Jody's then 19-year-old blood had not quickened the instant I first walked into frame. After all, we had a history, two children, and a flourishing partnership. Wasn't all that more important than my childish notion that we should be each other's physical ideal?

Then, for a while, I imagined I could become her type. In search of stature, I hitched my pants up an inch or two. Chafing ensued. I tried to shamble, in a sort of James Taylor-esque way. But at my height, it came across as more of a slither.

Soon, my disappointment turned into a taste for payback. One night, when we were working on the New York Times crossword puzzle, I pointed to a lingerie-clad woman on the adjacent page. "Now, she's my type," I said.

"What's a five-letter word for 'give me a break'?" Jody said. "I'm your type.

"Well, yes, of course, dear. I just couldn't help noticing that this woman in the aubergine undies is attractive too. Don't you think she's lovely?" Jody just laughed.

"Mmmmmm," I enthused, two days later, at a Beyoncé video. I tried to sound hungry.

"Are you trying to say Beyoncé is your type?" Jody asked.

"Oh, no," I said with James Taylor–ish innocence. "But she's nice-looking, isn't she?"

"Jimmy Stewart in The Philadelphia Story," she said simply.

"Pardon me?"

"Tommy Tune," she added.

"What are you talking about?" I said, perfectly aware that she was naming all the tall drinksa water who, unlike me, made her glad she was a woman.

"Tim Robbins," she said.

"Susan Sarandon," I fired back.

Jody just laughed. "Chris Isaak," she volleyed.

"Oh, yeah, well, I wouldn't mind chatting with Teri Hatcher, let me tell you," I said.

This was a low point: going one-on-one against my wife, pretending to be intrigued by a clichéd cast of female celebrities who heat up pretty much every middle-aged man in America, while she counterpunched with a carefully considered list of ectomorphic men who make her weak in the knees.

"Hugh, you don't get it, do you?" Jody said. "Anybody can fall in love with their type. I'm the one who ought to be offended. You could have fallen for any woman with eyes this green and a figure to die for," she rolled on, gesturing toward her own. "You didn't fall in love with me. You fell in love with this incredible body, with this incandescent smile. That's a no-brainer. But for me to fall in love with you? That took some imagination on my part."

"Oh, now I feel better," I said.

"You should," she answered. "My love for you is serious. I was alert enough to get over my D.H. Lawrence fantasies of some powerful, rawboned gamekeeper."

Stunned, I managed to mutter, "So you're saying that I am your type, after all, right?"

"You're much better than my type," she said, grabbing me. "You're my husband."

James Taylor, eat your heart out.

Originally published on: April 22, 2008

roseviolet
Awww ... what a sweet ending!
I like tall, lanky boys, but I would never say that James Taylor is "my type". His singing totally kills my lady-boner.
But Jimmy Stewart in The Philadelphia Story? Yum!

Sheff & I are lucky in that we are both eachother's type. The only way he could be more my type is if he wore glasses, but his vision is bound to get worse in time so that will be rectified eventually. Is it wrong for me to look forward to the demise of my husband's eyesight simply for my own carnal gratification?
crinoline
omg! Jimmy Stewart (circa 1940s) is one of my big lifetime crushes! The lankiness! The st-st-stammer!! *sigh* He's so adorably dreamy... Oh! And in Philadelphia Story when he comes back from the pool and his hair's all messed up...yum (there's something ridiculously sexy about messed up vintage hairstyles-the loss of control I guess). Not to mention that kiss...
*ahem* sorry. I got excited.
LunarraStar
Its nice to find these forums and this thread.

Sometimes its easy to feel alone when relationships are hard.

We bought a house together after being together for a year. Once we started living together as im disabled i lost ALL my income because i cant work. I was on sickness benefits for 12 years through no choice of my own but once im not single the government thinks he should look after me ..so its horrible, such a huge change, i want to be working but if i cant then i needed the stability of government income ..and now i have nothing. He says he doesnt mind paying for everything ..but I MIND, i want to be well and working, its so degrading not bringing money in.

meh! Stupid that i am penalised by the health and benefit system for being in a relationship.
geekchickknits
QUOTE(LunarraStar @ Jul 9 2008, 09:32 PM) *
Its nice to find these forums and this thread.

Sometimes its easy to feel alone when relationships are hard.

We bought a house together after being together for a year. Once we started living together as im disabled i lost ALL my income because i cant work. I was on sickness benefits for 12 years through no choice of my own but once im not single the government thinks he should look after me ..so its horrible, such a huge change, i want to be working but if i cant then i needed the stability of government income ..and now i have nothing. He says he doesnt mind paying for everything ..but I MIND, i want to be well and working, its so degrading not bringing money in.

meh! Stupid that i am penalised by the health and benefit system for being in a relationship.


There may still be a way that you can get money either from the government or HMO - I have heard that there are some states/provinces that will provide the partner or caretaker with a stipend because the stipend is less than what they would need to pay a health care professional to come in and take care of you. I don't know if it's available where you live, but maybe it's something to look into.
LoveMyPugs
LunarraStar - I don't work. I'm a fulltime student. Mr. Pugs was able to claim me on his taxes this year because he supported me. Therefore he was able to claim all my tuition. We ended up getting a very nice tax return. It was enough that I will be able to continue to stay unemployed and finish school. Also, I'm thinking when this summer internship is over I will apply for medicaid. Neither of us has had medical insurance in over a year. It's very scary when you think about one of us possibly getting sick or hurt. I feel like you do at times that I'm not contributing. Mr. Pug tells me I'm being silly all the time. He says he doesn't mind. I believe him. He loves me as I'm sure your man loves you. Try to appreciate that. He wouldn't do it if he didn't want to. Good luck.

Pugs
Moonpieluv
lunarrastar--Mr. Luv has been supporting me for two months now. I recently came into work, but haven't received a paycheck yet. I know how you feel having your hands tied monetarily. I'm grateful that Mr. Luv has been so understanding. He realizes that I'm doing my very best. He knows the effort is there. And hasn't said a word otherwise, nor remotely hinted that I've been a burden to him. He will continue to pay the mortgage even when I take on full-time work, as he realizes that I must pay off some debt.
I am surprized that the british/scottish government recognizes non-marital relationships as such and won't give you what you need for your illness. I could understand if you were married...but even then... to cut off entirely? ouch.

Is there a way you could work from home? not sure if there's a lot of choices out there, but perhaps a little something that could help you feel better? I dunno.

I'm with pugs on this one... he wouldn't do it if he didn't love you.

Pugs--are you and Mr. Pugs married? I can't remember if you were or not... sorry. unsure.gif







Mr Pugs
No, we're not married Luv, but we're lifers. We've been together 12 years on the 27th. I just picked Mr. Pugs as my handle that way you women knew you were talking to a man...
edie52
Cute story about the "type"... Mr. Edie and I were actually talking about this recently... we were contemplating setting up his friend and my acquaintance, and I asked if she was his type. He responded that he had no idea what his friend's type was and that he didn't even really know what I meant by that. Then he even went on to claim that he himself doesn't have a type. I always thought he did; I've seen a few of his exes and there's somewhat of a pattern (either short and petite or tall and slender, brunette, kind of boyish or unconventional, etc.). He claims that all of his girlfriends have looked different and he finds many types to be beautiful. Maybe I was just trying to find similarities, whereas he sees more differences?

I would never deny that I have a type, and Jimmy Stewart fits it. Not sure about James Taylor, though didn't Joni Mitchell say he was the best lay ever?
deschatsrouge
I told Mrs. Rouge I am willing go to California in two years to get a piece of paper. We live in a red state so it'll never legally mean anything, but it will be a good excuse to have a gift registry.

This means a lot because I have a fear of commitment ceremonies. I was a wreck at my brothers wedding in may.
LunarraStar
aw lovemypugs and mr pugs you sound lovely smile.gif. Happy relationships make me all *aww*.

Moonpieluv - yep they recognise us as a relationship just by being in the same flat, we could have lied and said since its a 3 bedroom flat we have that im a lodger or something but id never want to live with the stress of lying, i could never do it smile.gif. Id rather have no money but be honest. Im in a really really unfortunate position ..basically

1- he cant get carers allowance as he'd have to give up work
2 - the benefit i lost was calld incapacity benefit, i was on it for 12 years not my choice, i hated being on benefits. This is not normally income related ..but because i was soo young when i got ill i didnt qualify for the full incapacity as id not worked long enough to pay enough tax ..so if id been say 3 or 4 years older when i got sick 12 years ago id have an income of about 700 dollars a month now ..as though i could choose when i got sick, soo stupid. If i lft him id get my income back straight away but with him nothing. Crazy.

The working from home thing is exactly what i decided to do, ive always made jewellery but he works with websites so we combined and im selling jewellery i make ..but that alone puts alot of stress on the relationship as im not really well enough to be working and should rest more than i do so i end up in more pain etc which doesnt make you feel like sex smile.gif. Also all our free time goes into making the website etc and that sucks.

I often feel bad we don't go out to parties and clubs because I'm ill and there can be months where i dont make it out the house, it must be so hard on him but hes so wonderful and he really doesnt mind at all! Ive never had anyone love me like him, its me who finds the money thing hard ..

But we have a holiday next week, the first since we got engaged last year in October. We are doing a house exchange, its a cheap way to get a holiday smile.gif!! Has anyone else done a house exchange?
LoveMyPugs
LunarraStar - what's house exchange? is that like switching homes with someone else for a week? that sounds like fun. as long as the house i was going to was completely clean and stocked. tongue.gif
LunarraStar
Yes we joined a website http://www.homelinkint.org/index.jsp and we are swapping with a man from Amsterdam for two weeks. He stays in ours and we stay in his, people do it all over the world.

We've got our first exchange next weekend, just 4 days in England near whitby smile.gif.

The cheapest a flat would've been for 2 weeks in Amsterdam would be around £800/$1600 so we're saving alot of money!

http://www.homelinkint.org/members/present...ew+this+listing is our listing if youre curious smile.gif. Hope link works.
LoveMyPugs
Mr. Pugs was so great this weekend. Saturday we woke and he made a big breakfast. I watched him play Call of Duty while I played Sudoku on the nintendo DS for a bit.

Then we went to a picnic for my grandmother. We recently had to put her in independent living cause she was too much for my aunt to care for. I was nervous about visiting her and seeing the rest of my family. He was great. He posed for pictures and got me a beer (or two). He helped set up my grandmothers cable box and dvd player for her. He tried to encourage the transitiion to the new home by telling my grandmother how much his grandmother likes the place she's in.

After that we went to friends house and stayed out late without complaint.

We slept in late Sunday. When we got up I was like, "Damn, I forgot to switch the laundry last night."

He was like, "Oh, I already took care of that."

I was like, fuck me now please!! I was so happy he did that for me. I'm so easily pleased.

He then made breakfast and was like, "What do you want to do today babe?"

After a while I suggested going to the mall. He said that was a great idea. I asked if I could invite my parents and maybe we could all have lunch. He said sure.

So we all went shopping. I bought a new, expensive handbag and he didn't even blink when I told him how much it was.

We came home and I started to clean the kitchen. I said again, "Can you go switch the last load of laundry?"

He replied that he already had.

Later he kept checking on dinner for me because I was playing Guitar Hero in the living room.

We ate and I finished some cleaning. It was a busy yet relaxing weekend. I think because he helped me so much. He was Mr. cool.gif Wonderful to me.

biggrin.gif
Moonpieluv
awww pugs. that's so sweet. Mr. Pugs and Mr. Luv would probably be friends with the whole gaming thing. He has Call of Duty, as well... though he's been back into StarWars lately.
Glad you had a good weekend. I heart Guitar Hero.

Mr. Luv and I have been sailing along lately... no bumps. It's been really nice, cause I was gettin mighty concerned. I'm still worried about his tendency to not compromise or be empathic or open-minded about certain issues. I am exposed to a lot of stuff that he's never heard of or gotten used to or tried, and he has a tendency to be complacent with the familiar.... which pretty much different all round for me. Course I'm learning stuff from him, as well..but I'm always up to try something different... except certain computer games that I'm just "meh" about.
I just hope that the rollercoaster slows to a breezy boat ride for a while. I realize it can't be that way always, but I could use just calming and settling time in my new place in life. I know things are going better cause he's more affectionate and jolly all around. He's being more considerate... like today he said he'd rather buy sweet tea then have me make it cause I already do all the cooking and what not.

Did anyone see the movie Holiday with Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet? That's house exchange. Sounds pretty neat actually.

Hey! Lunarra... Mr. Luv and I have always wanted to go to our Motherland, if you will... laugh.gif Edinburgh being the top city in Scotland. How do you like beaches and palm trees?
LoveMyPugs
QUOTE(Moonpieluv @ Jul 14 2008, 06:30 PM) *
I'm still worried about his tendency to not compromise or be empathic or open-minded about certain issues.


Mr. Pugs is like this sometimes as well. It drives me crazy. My sister is going through a bunch of shit right now and although 70% of it is probably her fault he won't even try to understand why she might do what she does. He just shakes his head and calls her stupid and that's it. He's hard to explain things to sometimes. If he hasn't experienced it himself he just won't get it. He judgemental. I love him and I think he is like that because he's worked very hard to get where he is in life and doesn't like those around him who slack. My sister can definately be considered a slacker sometimes. Well, I love him anyway and I take him for what he is.

I'm no peach either.
sareybelle
Jimmy Stewart, mais oui! And especially the scene with the messed up hair. That's so funny, I was camping with the man I've been dating this weekend and he asked about his hair after we got done swimming in the pond. I said, "you remind me of Jimmy Stewart." He looked pleasantly surprised. It's just that he's so lanky!

Anyway, he was SUCH a hero this weekend around my friends. He made breakfast for like, twenty people that were with us. I never got near the grill, or touched a tent. He pretty much did everything. AND he went and fetched my pills when I forgot them in the car. I asked him, "if we're together next year, and we come back camping, and I forget my pills in the car, will you go get them for me?" He said, "Yes, I will." And I said, "but will we get in a big fight about it? Will you get mad at me and say, Sarah, you always forget everything!'' He said, "I won't get mad."

I've been happily single for about five years now, and was pretty used to the idea of being alone and satisfied rather than in a relationship where both people are secretly miserable. My feelings for him developed quite quickly and completely took me by surprise. Now, even when we are at a concert with our arms around each other, I see middle aged couples sitting a full foot apart and looking tense, and I can't help thinking LOVE DIES LOVE DIES LOVE DIES. I mean everybody starts out happy right? He has argued that it's a little early to throw in the towel on us though.

I do have to say I have a certain feeling I haven't had in a LONG time. Even when we were lost, we were laughing. Even when the tent turned out to be the wrong size, nothing seemed to matter. Even when it poured rain for most of the drive home, I was having fun.

I just want this part to never go away!

PS I am convinced by many of the posts here that the secret to a happy relationship is sharing housework equally! Noted.

beck
QUOTE(sareybelle @ Jul 16 2008, 04:45 PM) *
Now, even when we are at a concert with our arms around each other, I see middle aged couples sitting a full foot apart and looking tense, and I can't help thinking LOVE DIES LOVE DIES LOVE DIES. I mean everybody starts out happy right? He has argued that it's a little early to throw in the towel on us though.

I do have to say I have a certain feeling I haven't had in a LONG time. Even when we were lost, we were laughing. Even when the tent turned out to be the wrong size, nothing seemed to matter. Even when it poured rain for most of the drive home, I was having fun.


i don't have a super long-term perspective (the pugs are way ahead) but i can say that after 5 years my bf and i are still getting that feeling, so definitely don't throw in the towel yet!! cute pic by the way!
roseviolet
QUOTE(sareybelle @ Jul 16 2008, 10:45 AM) *
Now, even when we are at a concert with our arms around each other, I see middle aged couples sitting a full foot apart and looking tense, and I can't help thinking LOVE DIES LOVE DIES LOVE DIES. I mean everybody starts out happy right? He has argued that it's a little early to throw in the towel on us though.


Why do you assume that these people are not still in love with eachother? Just because they aren't touching eachother all the time? Or are you sensing tension in some other way?

Honestly, if Sheff and I were at a concert together, we probably wouldn't be cuddled up together because it would feel too sticky and hot. We're more likely to sit a foot apart just for our own personal comfort (We'll save the hot & sticky stuff for when we get home wink.gif ).

The truth is that love changes. That isn't necessarily bad, though. The heady passion cools off &, if you're lucky, you get more comfortable together. And sometimes that means that you don't touch as often in public. That doesn't mean that love has died. Indeed, these older couples may love one another to a depth that you don't comprehend yet. They may have faced illness and death and job loss and disappointments together - fought and yelled at eachother more times than they can count - and yet they have worked to keep their love alive and stay together. That's an astounding accomplishment that doesn't get recognized enough.

All relationships have different comfort levels. If you want to be in a relationship where you always cuddle arm-in-arm at concerts, then you can make a point to be like that. It will take a teensy bit of effort, but you can have it if you want it.
sareybelle
QUOTE(roseviolet @ Jul 16 2008, 01:53 PM) *

Why do you assume that these people are not still in love with eachother? Just because they aren't touching eachother all the time? Or are you sensing tension in some other way?

Honestly, if Sheff and I were at a concert together, we probably wouldn't be cuddled up together because it would feel too sticky and hot. We're more likely to sit a foot apart just for our own personal comfort (We'll save the hot & sticky stuff for when we get home wink.gif ).

The truth is that love changes. That isn't necessarily bad, though. The heady passion cools off &, if you're lucky, you get more comfortable together. And sometimes that means that you don't touch as often in public. That doesn't mean that love has died. Indeed, these older couples may love one another to a depth that you don't comprehend yet. They may have faced illness and death and job loss and disappointments together - fought and yelled at eachother more times than they can count - and yet they have worked to keep their love alive and stay together. That's an astounding accomplishment that doesn't get recognized enough.

All relationships have different comfort levels. If you want to be in a relationship where you always cuddle arm-in-arm at concerts, then you can make a point to be like that. It will take a teensy bit of effort, but you can have it if you want it.


Hmm, I see what you are saying and all those points are well taken. I thought about it more and think that a lot of these people didn't look happy in general. Didn't seem to be smiling or having a whole lot of fun. Another friend of mine pointed out that maybe none of the couples were ever all that happy or ever had a whole lot of fun to begin with, which is quite possible, and more depressing.

Thank you for the perspective. My parents have been together for 35 years and while they might not be all over each other, I think they still do have fun and laughs out on the town and at home, so factor that into the bond they share having built a life together and clearly this is an example that I can look to if I start to panic. Thanks again...
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