Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: Committed, Part 2
The BUST Lounge > Forums > The Mating Game
Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31
geekchickknits
*delurks*

LMP, my best friend from high school called me one day and said:

"What are you doing next Sunday?"
"Having Thanksgiving dinner with my parents..."
"OK, I was wondering if you could come over to my place instead because I'm getting married and I want you to be my maid-of-honour."
"Oh! Yeah, for sure!"

And then we went to a discount mall a day or two later and bought me a dress. I knew she was engaged (they had been engaged for well over a year) but she totally did an ambush wedding. It was awesome. Family was already coming over on that day for dinner. All she did was call up a JOP to come by the house at a certain time, they went to get their license and they had the wedding out in the backyard before dinner, and had a close friend who was also a professional photographer take the pics.

It was brilliant. Half the people there didn't know a wedding was happening that day. The ones in the know were the essential parties and the friends who had been specifically invited.

I also have a good friend who eloped a week after her sister got married and will be throwing a big party for her one year anniversary.

This day is about you and your partner and how the two of you want to celebrate it. Nobody has any other say in it unless they're ponying up the dough. If your Mom wants you to invite your extended family, tell her if she wants to, she can host a celebratory party for anyone who wants to come once you get back from your honeymoon, but that you are keeping the wedding small and exclusive.

*relurks*
kittenb
LMP - it doesn't sound stupid to me.

Says the girl w/the Chicago Social Weddings magazine shoved in the back of her closet like it is some sort of very horrifying porn.
beck
geekchicknits, thanks for the inspiration! i LOVE the idea of an ambush wedding!
LoveMyPugs
tankgirl - just pointed me in the direction of the anti-bride books and planners on amazon. these are pretty cool. i like them. i'm going to order one.

I'm sorry. I'm just frustrated. I don't know what I want and I'm tired of everyone around me TELLING me what i want. it's irritating. i just have to sit down with mr. pugs and make some decisions. the money issue is real too. so i'd have to sit down with my mom and once and for all just make it clear that i'm doing what i want and if she doesn't want to help then so be it. we'll pay for it ourselves.

thanks for all the support,

pugs
editgirl
Kittenb and likeanyother - I too have been in a very similar situation myself. I was just about to post my "problem" here the other day - but you have both beaten me to it!

I've been dating my man for 8 months - 8 fantastic and groovy months. Things seem to be progressing well, and I'm very much at the point of being ready to say 'I love you' and make the commitment clear. He's making it clear that he's not 100% ready, and yet we both still want to stay together and keep things going. I think it's normal for people to progress at different rates in the beginning of a new relationship. It's not like we've been friends for years, we met and started dating- it takes a long time to get to know someone. And at least everyone is being honest about their feelings. That's progress as far as I'm concerned!

My guy is going through a lot personally and is trying to figure out what kind of relationship he is capable of having. Just because we're taking it slow doesn't mean that it's bad or dysfunctional. I agree that if you aren't getting what you need that you have to decide if/when to leave.

Ok, so I'm not posting for advice, just a little bit of rambling about a similar relationship situation. Thanks for listening gals - likeanyother and Kittenb - your words are right on.

Good luck to us all!
gradgal
Hi All, I just wanted to chime in on the many wedding issues that are being discussed. Pugs, I definitely feel for you and can empathize with some of the feelings that you are having about getting married, the financial commitment required to do so etc.

Finances:
In our case, given that we are paying for everything out of our own pocket, we do have the luxury of making all of the decisions for ourselves...that is, who we invite, where the event is held, what we serve, what occurs at the ceremony etc. However, this has come at a cost given that we had to and still have to save all of our pennies in order to throw this party. Our engagement has been relatively long compared to other couples and we endured the 'when are you getting married' and 'have you set a date' questions for quite some time before we could even think about financially committing to a date. On the other hand, we also had the opportunity to consider accepting financial contributions from both of our families. This would have sped the process up considerably, but it was also important for us to be realistic about what others would expect given that they were contributing. I guess I tried to put myself in my parents shoes. If my kid were getting married and I was a significant contributor, why shouldn't I get to invite one or two people that I want there? I know that the wedding would be 'their day' but I would expect that they would also consider my wishes if I was the one who was helping to make that day happen. Not to sound too cliche, it is a double edged sword and in most cases I don't think that the bride and groom get to have their cake and eat it too.

Emotions:
I think that getting married can bring up a lot of emotional issues, especially when the relationship is moving along swimmingly prior to the engagement and then all of a sudden individuals don't see eye to eye. Pugs, I agree that a marriage certificate may not change things in your day to day life, especially since you and mr. pugs have been living together for so long, but your posts make it sound like getting married to mr. pugs is about more than just changing your last name or getting other people off your back re: your twelve year 'dating' history (as you said in your last post). I imagine that it must be difficult to date for so long, then receive an engagement ring (which symbolizes that one day a wedding will take place) and then to have your partner seem less interested in the wedding or less willing to want to invest money into a wedding when you bring up the topic of planning it.

I definitely don't want to put any feelings onto you or misinterpret what you have said so please let me know if I have done so, but your posts definitely resonated with me and it sounded as though this was a v. difficult time for you. Keep us posted and I hope that all works out for the best!
Moonpieluv
QUOTE(roseviolet @ Jul 18 2008, 01:50 PM) *
Jesus, what a nightmare. My heart goes out to you, Moonpieluv. A line needs to be drawn, clearly. He's got to learn to compromise. I wish I knew some magic words that you could say that would get through to him, but I don't know him or his personality. Hell, I'm still learning the best ways to communicate my needs to Sheff, so I certainly can't be an expert on the other guys on the planet. wink.gif

Personally, I don't think you're being too needy or obsessive. You're not telling him to stop playing the game entirely. In fact, I bet you'd be 1000% happier if he simply cut the gaming down to 3 or 4 nights a week. Right? I think that's extremely reasonable. Sounds like this vacation is coming at a great time. It'll be a wonderful chance for him to unplug and spend some time with you. Maybe sometime during the vacay you'll find an opportunity to talk to him and work out an agreement.

Question: Is Bestest Gaming Buddy single? Does he live locally?


I'm back from vacation. I see a lot has happened since I was away. I will read over everything and get back to my busties about it. I just want to address, update y'all fer now.

No, the vacation didn't go as hoped. I spent most of the time with his family, as he stayed inside the beach house playing... wait for it... STAR WARS!! He would come out at night to drink it up with everyone, but mostly with his sister's hubby and his brother. I would have to track them down just to be around them, as they were sneaking cigs from the family. I would be soaking up the sun as his family would ask "Where's your man?" to which I replied "Playing computer games inside". His mom and sister clearly stated their concern and frustration with this and on numerous occasions went up the house to retrieve him. His father also expressed concern stating to his mom that it was uncooth for him to be neglecting this time we could have together. It didn't seem to sink in to him until the last two days of a week vacation. But, it wasn't to hang with ME... it was to appease his family. There were no walks on the beach, there was no just US time for even a few hours.
He did vent to me that he felt that it should have been okay for him to do whatever he wanted to as it was his vacation.. that his sis's hubby stayed inside mostly watching tv b/c he has some sort of reaction from the sun... so it should be okay for him to play games or do as he pleases. That it's the game that's villified...that we had it all wrong for calling him out.
I went shopping with his mom one day, and she really let it loose that he had once expressed his great interest in "settling down" with the right woman, with having a family one day, with engaging more in general with his family and his lover. yada yada. And she said that now that he has an opportunity to do those things with me....he's bombing out by acting like an anti-social teenager destined to live a lonely life because of his inability to compromise...or to even care?
See, I'm not sure he even fucking cares!!
All his family saw it. His cousins made comments that he's always been that one that refused to "grow up"... his 23 yr old cousin telling me that a 33yrold man isn't "grown up"! His sister said the same thing...it seems all his family has him clocked. Like they know that the likelihood of him getting his shit together is close to nil cause he's so damn stubborn. His sister and mom said that if he continues to behave this way---neglectful, uncaring, stubborn, unaffectionate---that he would be losing a good thing. ME. His mom and dad (to a degree) are hell-bent on having an "intervention" of sorts sometime soon. Not sure if it will actually happen or if it would do any good.
I don't think they would crucify me if I decided to leave him b/c he can't get his priorities straight. I think he likes the idea of having a healthy relationship...but doesn't want to remotely have to put any work into it. And it just depresses the stink outta me. I refuse to settle for this shit. So I get shit for compromise and attention, hardly any sex or intimacy for that matter, and pooped on for attempting to communicate my concern. His actions are showing me that he doesn't really love me. So why did he go to so much trouble to bring me here?
I'm really starting to think that he just doesn't give a rat's ass.
So no. There is no agreement. There was no talk other than him feeling absolutely sure that what he was doing was okay.
And yes.. I would be soooo much happier if he cut it down to 2-3 nights a week... or a few hours everyday. like when I'm at work and a few hours while I'm unwinding...if he would sincerly act like he wants to be around me... if he would make love to me like he did before I moved in with him almost 3 friggin months ago.
and yet he speaks of plans we have in the coming months... next year's beach trip...

Thank you for stating that you don't think I'm being too needy or obsessive. It's this crapozola, communication, and the sex thing. I'm really, really sad cause if something amazing doesn't happen soon...
Moonpieluv
Yeah... ((RC))

that's what it seems. I see how he is with his niece... and he truly seems like he would make a great father. He's very very attentive to her, like he is with his animals. Then, I say things like.. I want more pictures of you and I together... and he says "why? we already have some." huh?! Im friggin jealous that his animals get more affection than I do.

Yes, I think he likes the concept of marriage and family, but it's like he got me here for that supposedly and now... doesn't want or care to do the work it takes to get there. He'll support me financially and not put up a stink about it. He'll do some things that are pretty sweet. I'm bamboozled. Makes me feel like he woulda just taken anyone off the street, and I was the sucker who fell for it. Like I'm a trophy or possession that he feels he must have or acquire in order for others to think that maybe, just maybe... he's a grown up. Like "See See! Somebody likes me! Somebody will put up with my selfish bullshit!" It really really really sucks. I love his family, too. They are just wonderful.
I just don't know what to do. This self-occupied, selfish, complacent, self-righteous geek of all geeks may just end up alone for the rest of his life. What sucks... is that he doesn't want to. And that there is potential in there...I know there is or else I wouldn't have been attracted to him, but he's just got his head too far up his ass to realize that. I'm really starting to think and believe that he fed me a bunch of bullshit to get me to move in with him to this state. I fell for it cause I'm just that ready to "make house" with a life-long companion. I'm starting to think that he puts up this front of being all open-minded, chill, "parrothead", explorer guy, but in actuality he's a domestic gaming troll who prefers his "basement" activities rather than join the real fucking world. Maybe a starwars girlbot is more his speed.

Oh no... I'm not frustrated at all. being consumed with bitterness is not too far ahead. I'm teetering... all I need is one could push from him in the right direction to stick around...or one could push in the wrong one to not.

Oh and to answer (((((RV's))))) question:
His gaming buddy is...
almost forty.
Single.
Lives with his aunt.
does not live locally.
gets more "play" than I do.
roseviolet
((((((((((((((((((((((((((Moonpieluv)))))))))))))))))))))))))
I am completely shocked that he behaved that way during the vacation. Totally, completely, inexcusable. I might expect that kind of selfish behavior from a smarmy teenager, but not from a 23 year old who says he wants to have a family.

Forgive me for not knowing this already, but how did you meet this guy, MPL? How much time had you spent with him before you moved down there just to be with him? You've been down there with him for only 3 months, so I'd expect you two to still be in the honeymoon stage. At the very least, I'd expect you to be getting some HBI a couple of times a week. What the hell?!

If I were Dan Savage, I'd tell you to DTMFA. But I'm not so I won't. I can tell you one thing: if you leave him, it's clear that his family will not be the least bit surprised.

(((((((((((((((((extra hugs for MPL))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Moonpieluv
(((RV)))
lol! laugh.gif I love you. Get this, my sweet. He's 33.
I'm 28. yeah... I feel really amazingly intelligent right now. sheesh.
It was the 23 yr old cousin that shot me the look of concern. not to mention his mom, sister, other cousin... and well, younger brother of 23.

I met him in high school... and had a distant crush on him. so... I didn't really KNOW him. except for the shit he sold me 10 yrs later via phone and internet...And the time I spent with him physically before moving in with him was a matter of three extended weekends filled with fairytale love, 8+ hrs of convos, wedding talk, core values, intentions, and pretty good to great sex.. the promise of him dropping a game to do an activity with ME when it suited cause IIIII am more important than some shit game. He lied that his past relationships were more recent...convincing me that it was the girl's fault that it didn't work out. AHHHH sheesh. or rather. POOp on a stick. I fell for it. hard.

I dug my own ass grave. I know. I was sold a lemon on a fancy ass hybrid of the future promise. Hey, guess what?
He's playing Starwars right now.

great. I'm the biggest oldest idiot. Wow, I sold into the dream of marriage, children, companionship. Let's not get into what I have to do to get out of this with some sort of pride. and money.

And no... I'm afraid his family will not be surprized at all... judging by their reaction and the frustration of his mother. I got the whole "he's going to fuck up a good thing" by mom and sis. Another sis went on and on about how sexy I looked in my get-up and he turned and said not a word. WTF???????
Hooray... if anything I look the bigger jack ass cause I fell for him and this facade.

Gahhh....I'll try to see this through if our HUGE talk gets somewhere. But, I got to pack and run if not... no matter the humiliation. no matter how stupid of a person I feel. No matter how finanically bust I am. This will and would be the last straw for a very very very extended amount of time.
I am so rottenly embarrassed.
And yet... he gives me a kiss and a hug...during his break of gaming.
beck
moonpie, i don't think you should feel embarrassed at all, moving to another city must have taken some balls, and even if mr luv doesn't shape up, there may be other good things that will come of it. you should feel proud of yourself for taking a risk - and for also having the courage to recognise that things are not at present how you want them to be. a lot of women would put up with any amount of shit because they would rather be in a bad relationship than alone. that doesn't sound like you. every time i read your posts i am struck by how together you sound - like someone who knows her worth and isn't settling for less. what is embarassing about that?
kittenb
moonpieluv - Please quit blaming yourself for believing him. It is not your fault that he is not turning out to be the man that you deserve. It is his for not being what he said he was.

For your sake, I hope you get what you deserve here. If he has this conversation with you and actually makes changes that last that would be great.

If not, well it seems that you know what needs to happen.

You are not an idiot. To paraphrase Carrie Fisher, it just sounds like you are starving after "feasting on a baquet of crumbs."
roseviolet
((((((((MoonpieLuv)))))))) I kept thinking about you last night. I'm so sorry you're going through this. When you're in a long distance relationship and you decide to take the leap and be together, there's always a lot of risk and there are bound to be a few surprises. However, as a person who has been in an LDR before & had to meld the fantasy with reality, I can tell you that your boyfriend's behavior is NOT right. My heart really goes out to you. You've been so generous and loving - trusting the things he told you and giving up everything you knew to be with him - and it hurts to hear that you're going through so much so soon. I agree with everyone else. If anyone should feel embarassed here it's him.

I wish you luck with your big talk. No matter the outcome, remember that we're here for you.
sybarite
(((Moonpielove))) I was going to reply earlier but then the site went down! I want to echo what the other women in here said. Don't be embarrassed; you took a leap of faith, which IMO takes a hell of a lot of courage. I do think he cares about you, but he needs to be able to express that and compromise in the day-to-day stuff. See where the talk takes you both and then have a think about what you want and what you can live with.

(And thanks for your comments; you're pretty eloquent too. The lounge helped me so much a few years ago when I was having big problems with the mister. The feedback and concern I got back then still touches me now...)
shinyx3
moonpie, i agree that you are such a strong woman! you are not just taking this shit. you are doing something about it. you are awesome! i look back on the amount of shit i have put up with and lies i have been told and then justified because i did not want to think of myself as 'just taking it' and i wish i had been more like you are.
edie52
((moonpie)) I hope everything is okay. Please give us an update sometime soon.

My boyfriend and I have been apart (in different cities) for a few days and though it's really nothing it feels like forever. My whole life(style) has changed and almost gone back to what it used to be when I was single. I'm really enjoying just going along with myself and my own desires and decisions, and I'm seeing friends I haven't seen all summer. It feels like my life as it was a couple years ago, more wacky antics and a more diverse social life. When my boyfriend is here we pretty much only spend time with each other. I love him and love spending time together, and I miss him already, but there's something that happens when 2 people spend too much time together. Things become predictable, and decisions become a burden.

For example, tonight, since he's not in town, a male friend of mine ended up stopping by, taking me out for ice cream, and then we made drinks together. That would never have happened had my boyfriend been here. Then we went to a neighborhood bar where I reconnected with a bunch of people I knew years ago (I'm surprised they even remembered me). It felt really good, and somehow something that's not really possible with my current bf. Yet if you asked me what was more important/fulfilling, I would say him, over these random acquaintances and getting wasted.

Does anyone else relate to this? I don't want to be single, but I want part of my single life back. Maybe my relationship needs more balance? Can I have it all, independence and devotion? That's the ideal I strive towards in my relationship, but in practice I'm bad at it.
LoveMyPugs
Mr. Pugs and I fought badly again this weekend. Friday and Saturday were horrible days. Lots of tears, screaming, blaming. At one point I was really considering telling him I was leaving him. I was making plans in my head on where I would go and what I would take. I was so unhappy. I told him that we need to go back to therapy. He said we didn't have the money. I told him that if we are worth saving that we should dip into some of our reserves and go get some help. He said that was fine and told me to make the call. He said he feels like he just can't make me happy. He says he feels like everything is us, us, us. He feels like we are both loosing our individuality. He blames me. I asked for examples and when he gave them I told him that he is doing this to himself. He makes decisions based on what he thinks I'll say without even giving me a chance. I told him that's not fair. I'm not the hardcore bitch he makes me out to be. On Saturday, during a fight, I told him that he takes me for granted. He doesn't realize that I do a lot for him. I told him that I know what a good man I have but he forgets what a good woman he has. I told him he wouldn't last a week back at his mom's house. He'd come crawling back. I left the room crying my eyes out ready to just give up. Later he followed and said, "Is it you just don't feel appreciated?" I told him to get out of my sight. I told him I wanted to be alone. He wouldn't go. He just tried to hold me. I was upset that his touch only made me more angry. He told me he's sad, frustrated and scared that I'm going to leave. He wanted specifics on what he's doing wrong. He wants specifics on what I want and need from him. I know he needs "lists" so I started telling him things that make me angry. He's inflexible, lazy, selfish. I gave him examples. He nodded and responded. He gave "lists". He said I'm confusing, emotional and my needs changed day to day. He gave examples. I told him I would work to be more clear about what I need from him. We talked with tears and raised voices but I think we made some more progress. Sunday was great. I pulled a muscle in my back Sunday morning and we were having both our familys down that night so he spent all day Sunday running around helping prepare everything. He cleaned and EVEN DID DISHES!! He's trying. I'm trying. I guess this is just a rough patch. I hope we can get through it. I don't want us to end. I love him more then anything else in this world. It makes me so sad to think of us ending. I mean deep sadness. My heart hurts. When I was thinking of leaving him on Friday night I can honestly say that I've never felt so sad. Even after someone I've loved has died. We are strong but this bullshit seems stronger. I could really use some relationship vibes from my bustie friends. sad.gif
beck
(((pugs)))

i've been thinking about you and hoping things get better for you both
roseviolet
(((((((((((LMP))))))))))))) Sorry to hear you had such a painful fight. Are you going to go back to a therapist you used before?

((((((((((MoonPieLuv)))))))))))) How are you doing?

Edie, I think you can have a lot of those things and a boyfriend, too. It may take a little more effort than in your single days, but not much & it's worth it. You don't have to settle into those old matching rocking chairs yet if you don't want to. wink.gif Sounds like you've simply fallen into a rut together. You can get out of it if you want to, but one of you has to make the first step & it sounds like that's going to be you. So go ahead and schedule some outings for the two of you. Or just get up and go out some night. Call up some friends & ask if they want to go out to dinner or drinks or something. Go out for some private time with your friends, too - without the boyfriend around. Get back in touch with who you are as an individual. Going out & doing the things you love & hanging out with friends does not automatically mean you're being disloyal to him - especially if you encourage him to go out with you.
edie52
((((((pugs)))))) I hope you guys are okay. It sounds like you both want to work it out. I remember in other posts, you mentioned having gone through a very rough patch years ago, and that you came out of it stronger and better than ever. Hopefully you can look at this the same way someday. Sorry, I know that doesn't help much when you're in the middle of it. I think therapy is a good idea.

Rose, thanks for your response. I guess we had been stuck in a rut, and I didn't even realize. The past few months our daily lives have been very predictable- get home from work, call each other, get together and make dinner, go to bed. It's fun, we love making food so that's not boring, and bed is good, I just don't want to be one of those couples who only sees each other. The weird thing is that he doesn't seem to have many friends. He knows a lot of people but there are only a couple who he ever makes plans with, and that's rare. He's also friends with ex-girlfriends, but doesn't spend much time with them. He seems to be used to only spending time with his girlfriend. I think he may be a serial monogamist!
sareybelle
QUOTE(edie52 @ Aug 4 2008, 12:36 AM) *
((moonpie)) I hope everything is okay. Please give us an update sometime soon.

My boyfriend and I have been apart (in different cities) for a few days and though it's really nothing it feels like forever. My whole life(style) has changed and almost gone back to what it used to be when I was single. I'm really enjoying just going along with myself and my own desires and decisions, and I'm seeing friends I haven't seen all summer. It feels like my life as it was a couple years ago, more wacky antics and a more diverse social life. When my boyfriend is here we pretty much only spend time with each other. I love him and love spending time together, and I miss him already, but there's something that happens when 2 people spend too much time together. Things become predictable, and decisions become a burden.

For example, tonight, since he's not in town, a male friend of mine ended up stopping by, taking me out for ice cream, and then we made drinks together. That would never have happened had my boyfriend been here. Then we went to a neighborhood bar where I reconnected with a bunch of people I knew years ago (I'm surprised they even remembered me). It felt really good, and somehow something that's not really possible with my current bf. Yet if you asked me what was more important/fulfilling, I would say him, over these random acquaintances and getting wasted.

Does anyone else relate to this? I don't want to be single, but I want part of my single life back. Maybe my relationship needs more balance? Can I have it all, independence and devotion? That's the ideal I strive towards in my relationship, but in practice I'm bad at it.


I just spent a weekend here by myself in town while the guy I'm seeing was away with family, and it was kind of awesome! I did A LOT of stuff completely by myself during the day, and some other things with friends at night. I was house sitting for some people with a giant HDTV so my girlfriends came over and we watched Lifetime movies in crystal clear clarity. Tracey Gold's tear never shimmered so realistically! It was really fun and though I missed the boy I realized we are going to need to take care of these other parts of our lives too.

I think I'm going to try to schedule more friend nights on the evenings he has meetings, which are pretty regular. That way I can get in my Lifetime moments without making him feel neglected. However that doesn't do much to make sure that he has the friend/alone time he needs... well, there are nights that I have band practice or meetings too. I guess he can go off by himself those nights if he'd like.

But yes, Edie, even though he and I have only been dating a short time I already realized we'd fallen into a pattern similar to the one you describe. I guess I was hoping we'd just naturally ease out of it and work out a good balance, but it sounds like sometimes it may take a little more effort.
kittenb
{{{pugs}}}
sassygrrl
(((pugs)))

Well, Mcgeek proposed to me a few weeks ago. In his crazy engineer way, he just said "start shopping for rings, I'm going to work." This came up totally out of the blue. I've been wanting to head to Seattle/Portland area for a few years now. All of the sudden, he's completely obsessed with it. I told him that we had to just focus on moving me into his house (I have fears of my own living with a partner again). He even agreed to go to couples therapy! I'm just so perplexed. Part of me thinks this is due to the fact I was in the hospital for a week with a heart condition. Maybe it made him do some serious thinking.

However, I'm sick of people asking me when the wedding is, bleh. I haven't even picked out a ring yet! I'm just not used to being engaged(I was once before, and it was total shit).

Edie, I relate so much to you! I'm trying to do something similar with what Rose is doing, as well as trying to organize outings just for myself. Ruts can be a pain, but they just take time sorting out. Good luck!!

((everyone))
deschatsrouge
((((Pugs))))
Moonpieluv
((((Pugs)))) I hope therapy works. I really do. I'm thinking of you.

Update: We had a real talk last Friday. I was upfront and honest. Luckily, it was when we went out for drinks so we had to behave ourselves and talk openly without making a scene. He did admit that he has been hiding away in his games, but I received no apology for his behavior and the way he has made me feel. He told me that we don't really have anything in common.... which, I think is total bullshit cause he is only counting the fact that I don't play games, and he does. He says that he prefers to spend his time in the fantasy/sci fi world. That there really isn't anything in the real world that is as interesting. That humanity and traveling and, well...just the human condition in general is not something that he cares to explore. Keep in mind, that I was an English major..that he purchased "The Waves" by Virginia Woolf, and acted like he liked the book, so as to woo me. To get me to think that he really cared about what I cared about.
He also wooed me by acting as if he was this beachy, laid back guy that enjoyed living by the sea with all that it as to offer. He has gone to the beach with ME... ONCE for 20 mins. in the almost 3 mths of my living here.
Because I have a humanitarian nature, somehow this is a negative in his world.
Anyways, I told him that if he were to only compromise, do things with me, make an effort to spend quality time with me, I wouldn't haved lashed out in the past as I did. Of course, he asked me to be specific about the activities I would like to do with him... I have to be specific. It can't just be "hey, let's shoot the shit and watch a movie." I told him that even if I were to be specific, he mostly declines my suggestions. I expressed my concern that he has had sex with me twice in a matter of 5 weeks, but that it wasn't just about the sex...He said that he knew there was a larger issue at hand. His excuse was that we don't have that much in common. I believe that is a cop-out excuse so he doesn't have to admit that his behavior, his actions....have created such a disconnect. He says that because I don't have an engrossing hobby, that he feels like he's cornered into having to spend time with me. That I wouldn't understand cause I am not completely obsessed or passionate about any one thing.
I told him that in order to have a healthy relationship, he must TALK to me. not hide away, not ignore me. He must show me that I am important in his life.
I received no apology. He did kinda stare off and admit that he was a weirdo. But, in that, I don't think that motivates him to do anything about it. He justifies it by saying...the gaming world or fantasy world is what he prefers to experience. That his mother kinda gave up on telling him that it could affect his relationships...cause he is so damn stubborn.
I don't think he is capable of withstanding the real world, so he lives his life accordingly. No matter what. I threaten his comfort zone. SO I must go. I think he has given up on attempting a real relationship with me, because it's easier to stay his course. never mind to learning new things, opening to the possiblity of liking new things.
I don't think he cares. He just doesn't care. Or he just doesn't know how to care. His behavior has not changed except for being a bit more affectionate with me since our talk. kisses, hugs, some petting. a little more small talk. some....some cuddling. But, every night since the talk, he has played starwars or talked about starwars with his friend til late at night...If all he does is live, shit, breathe, and eat games...then yes, we don't have a lot in common. I have never felt like I could be so easily discarded in any relationship. I have never experienced someone so lacking in tenderness or empathy. Why did he bring me here? Why did he go to such great lengths to woo me, tell me that even though we have led different lives with differing interests...that the core was there..tell me that he would always choose me over any game. pretend to be this beachy guy?

Tears are not coming as easily as they did. I think we can all guess why.



sybarite
Oh moonpieluv. Wow. I have to say, he's not giving you much to work with, to put it mildly. I'm so sorry. (((you)))

I think it's good you did have a long talk, as now you know what he's thinking. I can't tell you what to do next, but I think you've done all the right things here. You took a chance and as I said before, that takes courage. You initiated the talk with him. If he can't give you what you need at least now you have more insight into why he's been behaving the way he is. Only you know what you can live with, but if you don't mind me saying so it sounds to me like he can't give you anything close to what you need and want right now.

I'm sure he does care about you, but as you suggest, he doesn't seem to know how to go about being in a relationship once the wooing has been done. You can't do all the work.

The world is wide open to you, and there are many loving people in it. Continue to have faith in yourself and your instincts. (((MPL)))
roseviolet
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((endless love and hugs and support of all kinds for MoonPieLuv)))))))))))))))))))

My jaw hit the floor when I read this bit:

QUOTE(Moonpieluv @ Aug 5 2008, 01:28 PM) *
He says that he prefers to spend his time in the fantasy/sci fi world. That there really isn't anything in the real world that is as interesting. That humanity and traveling and, well...just the human condition in general is not something that he cares to explore.

Wow.
I mean, wow.


Lord only knows why he mislead you before - he probably isn't consciously aware enough to know why he did it, either - but I suspect it ties into his love of fantasy worlds. No matter his reasons, I suspect it won't make any difference now.

But this is good. I'm serious. Now you know where he stands. You know what's important to him and you know what kind of lifestyle he prefers. You have the knowledge you need & you can proceed from here.

Tell us more when you can, MPL. In the mean time, know that we're here for you no matter what!
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((everlasting support for MoonPieLuv)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
crinoline
(((((MPL)))))
LoveMyPugs
  1. He did admit that he has been hiding away in his games, but I received no apology for his behavior and the way he has made me feel.
  2. He told me that we don't really have anything in common.... which, I think is total bullshit cause he is only counting the fact that I don't play games, and he does.
  3. He says that he prefers to spend his time in the fantasy/sci fi world. That there really isn't anything in the real world that is as interesting. That humanity and traveling and, well...just the human condition in general is not something that he cares to explore.
  4. Keep in mind, that I was an English major..that he purchased "The Waves" by Virginia Woolf, and acted like he liked the book, so as to woo me. To get me to think that he really cared about what I cared about. He also wooed me by acting as if he was this beachy, laid back guy that enjoyed living by the sea with all that it as to offer.
  5. Because I have a humanitarian nature, somehow this is a negative in his world.
  6. I expressed my concern that he has had sex with me twice in a matter of 5 weeks, but that it wasn't just about the sex...He said that he knew there was a larger issue at hand. His excuse was that we don't have that much in common.
  7. He says that because I don't have an engrossing hobby, that he feels like he's cornered into having to spend time with me. That I wouldn't understand cause I am not completely obsessed or passionate about any one thing.


MPL - to be honest he is blaming everything on you. it doesn't sound like he took any responsibility for the relationship heading south. it's all your fault in his eyes. this is bullshit and sounds to me like he's trying to force you to make the decsision to leave. you sound very giving and loving and i think you know what you have to do.
Moonpieluv
Thanks Pugs.. I know. You rock my face off with your sweetsie loving nature. I give you great suffocating bear hugs!

What sucks is that... I'm not financially able to do so currently. It will take time for me to be able to transition. So in the mean time, I have to play the game.

He has been making an effort to be more affectionate, more hugs..more lil pecks, lil touches.. but the incessant gaming has not waned. But, I truly think that he has it in his head the way he does so he doesn't have to take responsiblity for his actions FOR anyone. That he has it in his head that it's MY fault for the relationship headin south cause that way... he doesn't have to face up to well.... anything. Just continue his sad, selfish, lame course. At least he has his trolly friend to back him up, right?

(((Sybarite, RV, Pugs)))... you are exactly right. I was gun-shy about having the talk because I feared exactly what he expressed to me... to extend the talk, I fear the words " I do not love you " will also surface. All because he games and clearly cannot remotely give me what I need or want. My heart has waned, if not shut down with all this. The STEEL wall is so firmly erected on his part. I feared to hear it from his mouth because I feel so ass-hat for being stuck in the position I now find myself. But thank you for affirming my courage. I appreciate that.

More things start to surface---
1.his *homophobia*(a superior no-no to me)
2. his mild to blatant rascism(also huge no-no),
3.his completely complacent attitude and perception--no drive to travel, no intrigue with the world around him (cause well, that's the real world), sad forlorn feelings of by-gone metal arena rock days, complete disdain for "hipster" types a.k.a people who listen to indie music=disdain for people in general who do not adhere to his specifications,
4. he has only gone down to my "pretty priscilla" twice in our relationship, and he refers to me as "cute". Not beautiful or gorgeous, but cute. or gives me a thumbs up or mentions the clothing I'm wearing as being nice or cute... but not that it is ME who is making it so.

Thank you Pugs for saying that I'm loving and giving. I have A lot of love to give...but I can't keep giving it to someone that treats me as such, nor thinks as he does. I'm not without fault of my own. But, I will say that they have only been brought out stronger and fiercer by this man. He already uses my insecurity and sensitivity against me in arguments. I have lashed out with bad words... not good. He has used my drinking against me--which is usually brought on by my complete frustration of this situation...or total boredom. Not good, I know....

It has all occurred from my bamboozlement that he is how he is after all he presented himself to be. The awe of having actually purchased wedding mags...and to now feel so apathetically compelled to trash them.. not even tear them up... just trash them. like a harlequin novel you can't believe you bothered to read on a whim last month. A slap on the forehead.. and a DAMNIt to hell! how am I going to get myself stupid ass outta this one financially?

At least, one can think of this as my summer of living by the beach in a wonderful lil'historic city.

I say all this, but I'm just so sad that he just doesn't get it. Im angered, sad... and yet almost apathetic. For his behavior is just too predictable. I'm sad that I have to save face until I'm able to financially get myself outta here. The apathy comes from me just being tired of thinking this over and over again. I'm worn out by it.. I apologize to my best friends that if I'm worn out by it... they surely are, as well. My girl had it all summed up in a matter of an hour. Bless her heart.. she is a bustie at heart.

On that note, I LOVE you busties... just love you!
roseviolet
((((((((((((MoonPieLuv)))))))))))))))
Oh hon. My heart truly goes out to you. I've been sending out tons of vibes for you for days now. I know you're hurting, but amidst all of that pain I detect a good deal of strength. That's wonderful to see. You are a beautiful person who deserves love & respect and you know it. Hold onto that knowledge.

I hope you don't mind my asking, but could your friends or family help you get out of there? Might you consider moving in with your parents or a friend for a little while until you find a job? I know you have a huge task ahead of you so I can't help but wonder if some of your loved ones might be able to help you get started. I worry, that's all. It's clear that this environment is toxic for you. Sounds like you're even to the point of drowning your sorrows which is okay occasionally, but I can tell that you don't want to make a habit of it. How far away from "home" are you, anyway?
beck
(((MPL)))

i hope you find a way out of the situation soon - and if you're not able to leave the place you share yet, at least that you are able to find some positive things going on where you are so you can have some fun and build up your self-esteem...you've taken a real hit.
missladyj
(((MLP))) (((Pugs)))

just wanted to send out some good relationship vibes.
kittenb
moonpielove - It seems really obvious that he has made his choice. People can be addicted to on-line gaming. (if you need a laugh about some of this, check out The Guild on YouTube. My bf showed it to me, I think, to explain why he only games once a week.) Anyway, as you seem to know, he doesn't want to change and he doesn't want to take any responsibility for this relationship.

Sorry to be redundant on what others said. I woke up dumb as a box of hair today (hormones) so I am trying/failiing to be articulate.

You deserve better than this. Is there a YWCA you can stay at to get out of this toxicidity? Any option is worth considering right now. Please keep us posted and take care of yourself.

humanist77
moonpie, I ventured into this thread and I'd like to offer my thoughts. My heart aches for you, but like rose said, you obviously are stronger than you think, and I don't think you are stuck.

I hope I'm not being too direct or blunt in these thoughts-I don't mean to sound like an expert or be too invasive, there's just some glaring reactions I'm having. I apologize if this stuff has been suggested already~

One of my first thoughts when reading all this was that maybe he's a repressed homosexual? I put that thought aside until you mentioned in your last post that he's homophobic-which is a huge indicator of self-repression. He may not even know it himself yet; if his phobia is that strong, and he's in deep denial-but it's an internal conflict that won't budge without some serious therapy, which only he can decide to do. Now given that he is homophobic, I wouldn't bring this up to him, because there's no way that he would respond well, but it shouldn't be your problem anyway. He has an addiction-it is helping to repress something he's afraid of, and it's not your job to uncover it. But I just wanted to put that out there.

Regardless of that issue though, this situation is not fair-you've done what you could, and it sounds like you are being honest with yourself and beginning to accept what is the best thing for you right now, as difficult and painful as it is. I'm drawn to your situation because I've had to make that decision for myself as well. It worked out in the end, and I am still living with him happily right now, but I know that I have the strength to pull myself together and get the hell out if I ever needed to. And he knows this too now, so I think he takes these issues more seriously. I am glad that I would be able to leave him if the deal is broken somehow-I personally think that is healthy for a relationship. I guess at this point I am afraid of dependency.

I know you've made a huge step in moving in with him and attempting to settle in, but it's not the end of the world. Imagine the huge sense of relief and freedom you'll have when you've gotten out. You won't regret it. Of course you'll have to process everything afterward, and you won't feel great, but that's totally normal, of course. Try to see this as a learning experience, not a colossal fuck-up. I don't know if you are able to see it this way yet, but you will, and hopefully over time it might even be something you're glad for having been through. I hope that doesn't sound ludicrous. I just know that the most painful and traumatizing experiences I've been through have changed me for the best, and after it was all over, I was grateful that I went through it. Those are only my personal experiences though; I know others have been through far worse than I have.
ETA-all of this will help so much in future relationships of all kinds-intimate, friendships, familial and professional. It's a test in confidence and assertion. If you can see it that way then you will come out far stronger than you were before.

Anyway-not sure if anyone else mentioned the term yet, but we're called 'gamer widows'. My bf is also into that crap, but he doesn't let it take over his life, and he has a lot of other strong interests. I guess just Saturday nights I'm a gamer widow. It seems like a lot of other women on Bust are in that pool as well to some extent.
ETA-what is it with feminists and geeks??

Please come here and vent all you need to-you know you'll get plenty of support. And keep asking yourself what is best for your happiness and well-being.

((((((((moonpieluv))))))))
roseviolet
QUOTE(humanist77 @ Aug 6 2008, 02:00 PM) *
Try to see this as a learning experience, not a colossal fuck-up. I don't know if you are able to see it this way yet, but you will, and hopefully over time it might even be something you're glad for having been through. I hope that doesn't sound ludicrous. I just know that the most painful and traumatizing experiences I've been through have changed me for the best, and after it was all over, I was grateful that I went through it. Those are only my personal experiences though; I know others have been through far worse than I have.


Humanist, this section of your post jumped out at me because I was trying hard to think of a way to say something similar. This kind of shit is difficult and painful, but I found that when I finally get through to the other side, I love myself so much more and I'm proud of myself for having the strength to get through it all. It sounds unbelievably sucky to say, "In the end you'll be happy you had this experience," because that sounds insensitive and, well, wacko! But it's true, too.
humanist77
my sentiments exactly, rose~~
kittenb
Wow. I think I am going to start going to Humanist when I have relationship issues b/c DAMN you said all of that well.

"Gamer Widows." I had a coworker ask me how I could possibly stand being with someone who did Dungeons & Dragons (on-line.) From the tone in her voice, she seemed to equate gaming w/sexually abusing puppies. Having grown up with a family who games, I've always known that my future sig. other would be a gamer. It is my destiny. But the fact that he only does it once a week means that it doens't effect my life in any way. It's no different from me having to watch Lost or something. Hell, I spend more time watching TV than he does gaming.

Ok, my brain is still scattered so I am shutting up now.

Here is what I should have said to Moonpieluv earlier -

{{{{{hugs}}}}} I believe you will get through this. Best of luck.
pollystyrene
QUOTE(humanist77 @ Aug 6 2008, 02:00 PM) *
Anyway-not sure if anyone else mentioned the term yet, but we're called 'gamer widows'. My bf is also into that crap, but he doesn't let it take over his life, and he has a lot of other strong interests. I guess just Saturday nights I'm a gamer widow. It seems like a lot of other women on Bust are in that pool as well to some extent.
ETA-what is it with feminists and geeks??


Been there, living that. I've weaned him down to once a month (it took 5 1/2 years, but I did it!) but I do have to deal with video games the rest of the month.

((moonpieluv)) I think everything that's been said here is true (or possibly true.) You need to trust yourself to make some choices (not that you're not already, but it's time to summon the strength.)

((lmp)) blow-outs suck.

I'll try to post more later- gota leave work!
Moonpieluv
Thank you all for your support, understanding, insights.

We had an argument last night, which consisted of him telling me that:
1. Because I do not have any one hobby that I'm passionate about (to the extent he is with his gaming) that it is my fault for feeling ignored, neglected, second best in the relationship.
2. that we do not have anything in common, he made me go down a list of things I thought we shared... somehow that is not good enough because it does not include me gaming.
3. the activities that I suggested we do together are not appealing enough for him, so therefore he will not spend time with me. Nevermind the fact, that I am simply asking him if he would spend quality time with me...that I have to be specific about what I would like to do..and because my suggestions do not interest him...there ya have it.
4. *He used an ex bf of 10 years ago against me to in which to explain my present insecurities. so very very wrong.
5. He says I'm not really into scifi/fantasy because I only watch films or read books or enjoy mythological creatures and what not. I have to play games to be considered truly into sci-fi apparently. or like starwars with an obsession.

Basically, Im positive that this is just not going to work. He gives me nothing but financial support... everything is my fault...and now, I feel loathed. He uses anything he can get his hands on to defend his addiction.

((Humanist)) I have wondered the same thing. With you having put that possible repression out there, it explains a lot. I think that it holds a lot of validity. My brother-in-law even questioned it, and has never met him. So true about hiding deep-seeded issues... He uses his fantasy world to deny, not deal with something that is truly rooted within him. He defends it like he does because I threaten his comfort..his hide-out...his fort. Thank you for your honest and kind words.. I don't think it's crazy that I will come out of this stronger one day. I gain some relief already knowing that my next destination will consist of being closer to friends and family. School and a bigger city. I actually Want to be single right now. I think that's the first time that I've ever felt that way. I already feel somehow closer to myself. I did go through a stint of beating myself up, blaming myself, falling into the sadness of total rejection..but I think I'm feeling stronger and don't seem to be doing that as of now. I want to nurture myself with crafts, art..new books, music, etc. I want to work as much as possible.

((Kittenb)) If the situation was more like yours, I would probably have never been having such a dilemma. Thanks for looking out for me.

((Polly)) You are right... and I am making or have made my decisions. Now it's a matter of $$$. It's not the game I loathe, it's the addiction to it. It's the fact that something as such takes precedence over me. I deserve better.

((Rose)) my parents are going to help me. I need to make some serious $$ to logistically make it happen, but they are indeed going to assist me with all this. I'm going to go the way of living near my sister, as well. My family is deeply disappointed, as am I. We are all just baffled that he went to such an extent to bring me here. I only received 5 days of "us" time before the incessant gaming started. What attracted him to me? because he acts like there is nothing interesting about me as a person. I'm not sure that he likes anything about me. I'm the same person into the same things that I was before I moved in with him.

I figure it's because I threaten his addiction. I don't adhere to his criteria of being in a relationship with him, which means "shut up and game" apparently. He will live a lonely existence if he stays his course. And he has given me no reason to believe that he will take responsibility with anyone in the future. And yet, I'm the faulty one. There is something "wrong" with me cause I give. because I want to spend time with him. I get yelled out because I want to spend time with him.

Well, not anymore.

Thank you all for everything!!! You bring me such comfort.
kittenb
He is an immature ass and his family is right: he is blowing the best thing he will ever have by not prioritizing you.

Mother of Fuck do you deserve better than that. I am so happy that you have made this decision.

{{{{{moonpieluv}}}}}
Moonpieluv
((((lots of loving vibes your way, kitten))) wub.gif

Thank you for the affirmation.
roseviolet
Jesus Christ, MoonPieLuv. What an ass. I am astonished that he has turned all of the blame on you. He must be extremely limber because it takes special skills to wedge your own head that far up your ass. Grrrrrrrrrrr.

I read your post about the fight to Sheff (he's in the same room with me ... playing games, natch wink.gif ) and even he was shocked and appalled. So there's at least one gamer boy out in the world who is totally on your side and thinks this boy is a loser. Actually, Sheff called him a "nerd-o-sexual" - meaning that he finds nerdy pastimes more appealing than sex. I don't think this guy's issue is that he's secretly attracted to men. Rather, I think his problem is that he's attracted to fantasy. Any kind of fantasy ... even the kind that isn't overtly sexual. I think he was attracted to you before because you were part of a fantasy world. Your e-mails, IMs, and phone calls were just as real as the games he plays on his computer & the conversations he has over his headset. The fantasy fell apart when you moved down there & you became real ... and there's nothing he loathes more than reality.


I feel for his parents. At least you can walk away from him forever (thank god!). They're stuck with him, wondering what they could have done to prevent their son from throwing his life away on games. Games! What a waste.

beck
phew MPL. what a total and utter waste of space he is!

i'm so glad you have an escape route.

i'm liking rose's theory, it really explains the effort he put into pursuing you only to stop bothering once you arrived in his real world

sybarite
What a complete ass. I am glad you have the means to get outta there and that you have your family's firm support behind you. (((MPL))) You sound so strong and positive in your posts and I am sure you will come out of this even stronger and happier.

I also think Sheff's term 'nerdosexual' is absolutely apt...
Moonpieluv
Thank you all for your thoughts..affirmations.
He barely spoke to me yesterday. I suffice to say that he has been one of the worst bf's I have ever had. not the worst...just one of em. I never thought I'd be punished or resented because of loving or giving to someone. I remember asking him...that nothing would change for him if I were not around..he'd still have his house, his job, his animals, his car...his gamer friend..his games..
He did say that he did have something to lose..Me.
Well, he doesn't want to do anything in which to keep me around so, uh, guy too bad for you. I guess I'm just baffled. Baffled that someone could be this way with me. well, some things are just baffling. One must press on regardless.

I just wish I could get $$ together quickly. I've already got friends all excited up about all this. chomping at the bit to offer their help. and that's just lovely. They are pumped, and I guess...I'm getting to being pumped, too. The sadness, or shock of it, comes in waves.

And I especially like this statement:

"Jesus Christ, MoonPieLuv. What an ass. I am astonished that he has turned all of the blame on you. He must be extremely limber because it takes special skills to wedge your own head that far up your ass. "

You gals are great.
Moonpieluv
(((Pugs))) how's are things with you guys lately?

Updates from anyone?

I'm probably beating a dead horse at this point...and I do feel myself slackening from the intensity of my frustration, for my own sake, but....
and then he's all "if you would have just told me you needed some help with your Y membership, I would have paid for you to go...because we are a team...because it would be something that would make you happy" " Or we can go to the bookstore whenever you want, if you feel you at a loss for new reads, just let me know and we'll go and I'll buy them for you"
I almost want to take him up on that offer, cause I could be gymin it. The Y or gym is the best getaway all the while bettering yourself. ANd I DO need new reads....
Can't decide if it's to get me to do more stuff to keep me occupied, and thus less inclined to focus on his incessant gamin..or if he truly cares about my hobby happiness that i seek....and the more fit body.
Doubts come into mind that perhaps I have been under-stimulated and so therefore, am focusing harder on the fact that he doesn't prioritize me. But, I shoot that down cause well...regardless of me going to the gym or not...or working more...the facts still remain. I always notice that when the focus is on him and his issues...he easily sidetracks the conversation to make it about mine. I think that a normal strategy for most everyone, even though we don't always like to admit it.
I tried this sorta kiss ass move of showing greater interest in a concept album he has been playing since Friday. I did this because listening to music, discussing music..is something I am better at...and gets him loosened up from gaming. It's like encouraging him to invest in other things of interest. and displaying that I am sincerely interacting with him because it is something that makes him happy (I actually like the album he was playing). I'm hoping by default he will see or do the same with me. Fat chance, I know. A gals gotta try, for at least the very sake of being pleasant while I'm in this situation. It did obviously make him more tender to me.
Oh and..in a drunken state...I called him a "nerd-o-sexual" in a light-hearted manner. Not sure if he got that one. lol! I also said a few more things..that now I can't really recall rolleyes.gif but, I got the impression that he does want this to work and seeks to somehow debunk his past comments...and he apologized for using the ex on me.
I'm not truly doubting the inevitable, but the whole situation is just damn saddening. Probably digging around for some hope in there somewhere, cause I am still sexually attracted to him. sigh.

sybarite
MPL, I think that it's totally natural to have some doubts, and also that the likelihood of having doubts is increased because you are still living together, so you're behaving as a couple. Saying that, when I read his remark about you two being a 'team', I felt it was disingenuous. You can't truly be a team or in a functioning partnership when he regularly retreats into gaming or other audio/visual escapes.

My mr regularly also goes online for hours, sometimes, as do I--I think increasingly many couples do. But we connect before, after and during. I think your guy is simply claiming his gaming/online time unequivocally, and that's problematic.

On one hand, I'd say take him up on his offer, so you can go to the gym and work off some of this stress. But again, it feels disingenuous if you are truly planning on leaving. I think you're in a tough spot, staying with him while you work out what's next. It may be necessary to stay with him for now but be aware that the apparent normalcy of living together can confuse what are very real issues.

If you really feel this is worth another conversation and that he is willing to try to make things between you work, I would suggest talking to him seriously about this, but again, to me his actions indicate he can't commit fully to you. In the meantime it sounds like you're in a kind of holding pattern, where nothing is resolved, possibly because (understandably) you're trying to protect yourself.

I understand about the drinking when frustrated btw; I've certainly done the same in the past. It can make you especially depressed the next day though, so be careful. Take care and keep posting (((MPL)))


And (((Pugs))) I hope you two are doing okay...
konphusion26
deleted
ananke
Konphusion - dang, that teeth thing is awful. The MU knows he needs a dentist, but it isn't that bad. And he does brush his teeth.

*shudders*

That foot thing is NASTY. I have terrible scalp issues, and my brother and I have a hideous skin thing that flares with stress - think chunks of dead skin and stuff. We still don't pick and touch stuff and expect our partners to just embrace the nastiness. We go to doctors and try and help ourselves. I had an ex who wouldn't brush/wash/look after himself. It was one of the major reasons we split - I just can't look after a partner like that. And I cannot be expected to put up with it either.

Sorry for the downer.

MPL - I'm married to a hardcore gamer. We met at LANs, back in the days I used to game. Our besties are over - we met them through gaming as well and they're even more hardcore. My GirlFace is studying programming. That sort of bullshit is not about gaming, not about being a nerd. I've had weekends where the MU and GirlFace play for 8 hours a day. They still don't ignore me and will make the effort to engage with me with something else. It helps that I can talk about gaming, but mostly we talk about the things we share in common. We talk about something other than our hobbies and our 'stuff'. Being unable to engage on another level is a huge sign of ego for me. We're nerds, through and through, but we make time to be with each other, not just around each other.
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.
Invision Power Board © 2001-2014 Invision Power Services, Inc.