Aug 11 2008, 08:34 AM
um...things are better. definately better. i've been getting a lot more help around the house which is always a plus. i'm trying to thank you everytime i see him making an effort. i also got flowers yesterday. he's been listening more and more. last night he was screaming at the video game on the tv for over two hours. i didn't even bother to stay around for that. i just went upstairs and surfed on the web. later on that night he asked what was wrong. i told him that it makes me so mad that i can't sit in my living room without having to hear him curse out the tv. he asked if he didn't do so much yelling at the tv would i stay downstairs with him while he plays and do my cross stitch on the couch or what not. i told him i would and he said he would really try to keep it in check. i didn't push the issue anymore. the ball is in his hands now. other then that things have been very good. thanks for asking
or should i say
(((((busties who should be committed)))))
for putting up with the crap we put up with from our dudes.
Aug 11 2008, 12:27 PM
I have not seen your earlier posts but have you said something EXPLICITLY to him? I mean it seems to me that you should say something outright about the dental thing. As in " either you start brushing your teeth and flossing or else we are breaking up". because frankly, thats a dealbreaker. If you don't want to go that far be completely truthful to him. "your teeth issues are disgusting and I love you but don't want to be anywhere near your mouth, and want nothing to do with kissing you because it's unbearable". Men don't really get innuendoes or hints, and unless you have said that outright (and honestly, if it's as gross as you say, who cares about his feelings at this point, if he's that clueless) you can't necessarily expect him to get it. Of course, there is always the whole "um shouldnt he know" sort of thing. Which I agree with but, it seems to me you have to tell it exactly like it is.
there is also something to be said about the fact that he keeps brushing you off i.e athletes foot thing. if he doesnt care about your feelings. why are you caring so much about his?
Aug 11 2008, 03:55 PM
Aug 11 2008, 06:40 PM
MoonPieLuv, I hate to say it, but I feel like the boy is still putting all of the blame on you, but in a subtle way. Sure, he says he'll take you to the Y so you can get a membership. Why? Because he wants you out of his hair so he can keep playing games. And sure he says he'll take you to the bookstore. Why? Because he'd rather you be reading some epic sci-fi series than "nagging" him to stop playing his games again. He sees nothing wrong with his incessant gaming. RAther, he thinks that you need to develop an all-consuming hobby so that he can keep doing whatever he wants to do without you.
If he had offered to go out to dinner with you or see a movie or a play or walk on the beach or ANYthing like that, then I might have some hope (and only a little because he still needs to show that he can follow up those statements with action). This just sounds like a smokescreen to me ... and not a very good one. I read your post to Sheff & he completely agrees (I think there was a good bit of eye-rolling involved as well).
My biggest issue is that he's acting like this so early into the relationship. If you two had been together for a few years and he was starting to slack off and take you for granted, I could understand a little bit. I'm not saying that it's right but it's common to have lulls in long-term relationships. On the other hand you've been there for only 3 months and this guy is very clearly taking you for granted already! That is so very wrongwrongwrongwrong. In most healthy relationships, this would still be the honeymoon stage. You would still be going out together ... laughing it up, holding hands, making out in public, then running home for crazy sex. That's what it should be like at this stage because, honey, this is the peak. This is the most romantic it gets. And if the romance isn't there now, then when do you think it's going to show up?
Aug 11 2008, 10:17 PM
konphusion- I've expressed my empathy about these issues before. LeBoy has nail fungus on his feet too and it's horrible and nasty, but after 7 years, I haven't caught it; he doesn't have athlete's foot, though. He tried that Lamisil stuff for a couple of weeks until he read all these stories about the class action lawsuits against the manufacturer because of some horrible health problems it caused. To him, it wasn't worth the risk, and to me, it wasn't worth the argument- he's a bit of a hypochondriac, so there'd be no changing his mind anyway.
It grosses me out and I'm jealous of women whose partners have sexy feet, but I'm mostly over it, as long as he doesn't touch me with them. Ick.
Anyway, forgive me if I come across as ignorant, but I know church is an important thing in your life- have you thought about talking to your minister about this? I know it probably seems petty, but maybe there's a marriage counseling group or some one-on-one thing you could do. It's all part of the bigger picture, as you describe, of him not acknowledging how important this is to you, and not just for cosmetic reasons. It's a basic hygiene issue that really sounds like it's interfering with your life, and understandably so.
MPL, sorry for the bluntness, but DTMFA
! I'm totally not blaming you for any of the problems, or for being unsure, but stand your ground- Rose is right- it's all just a ploy.
Aug 11 2008, 10:56 PM
LMP - I am happy to see that there has been improvement. I know that it was hard for you to be so honest here about the reality of your relationship problems but it sounds like you are demanding a better life and making him decide if he wants to be a part of that or not. Good for you.
kornphusion - I wish I had some great peice of advice but, as you say, marraige is different that simply dating. When my boyfriend needs a shower, I just say, "Sweetie, you need a shower." And that normally only happens because he is allergic to regular deoderant and the natural stuff doesn't work as well (oddly, I have the same allergy.)
MPL - I wasn't sure what to write since I haven't been clear from any of your posts if you have decided to end this relationship or not. I have to agree with rose that he is not taking responsibility for any of this. It is still your percieved lack of distractions that are causing the problem (the problem being that you want a lover not a roommate.) I think by now I would totally be at DTMFA but it is going to come down to you deciding how much you are actually worth. I think you are worth way more than what you are getting.
Aug 11 2008, 11:29 PM
Polly))) derrr... I'm assuming DTMFA.. means something like dump that mutha friggin a-hole... ahhahahha! or that would be my translation in PG-13 terms. aka... i totally get it.
It's all the same to him. still playing the games and mourning his game-man-love cause it's been a few nights since he's been able to play with him via phone. HAHAHHA!!! I thought it was that he was... backing off... if you will. NAHHH! turns out his man-love got into a car accident while stopping at a local Krystal(comme White Castle)... muwahhhahahahhaha! I actually have a damn heart, so of course, I feel bad that he got minor injuries from this... but I just think it comedic now that I... IIIIII... thought he was like.. maybe... re-evaluating his actions.
RV--- you are right in the most absolute way. and get this.. I totally plagarized your comment about his head being so far up his ass. Didn't seem to make much difference. But, with my mean streak.... my oh my was it fun to say...
Sybarite---ditto... disingenuous is the mostest* perfect definition for, well... all. I have used that word on occasion, but just never thought I would sadly have to use such word in my love relationships. grrr... lovely word.
Ananke---IT IS ABOUT EGO. HIs... .thank you for affirming that though others love the games, are in fact nerds (to me geeks=computer, science, engineering and nerds=books, etc.) that that by NO means gives you a "get outta jail free" card for acting like a selfish immature ass. I would be a nerd by my definition.
My mom told me yesterday that whenever I was ready...just say the word.
I slightly hestitant cause I'm just so tired of packing and moving. BUt... what must be done must be done. I'm just way too smart for this crap-o-zola. I would rather be single for the rest of my life..then to be treated as such.
LOVE YOU ALL!!!!
(((Konphusion))) Sorry for being so blatant for this whole comment, but Just yack. yack. This cannot continue. I agree that it isn't grounds for dismissal, but while I don't feel your pain.. I can only imagine. I realize that you have spoken to him about it. But... maybe a good hard honest "slap" could do him some good? Like.."look love... I'm afraid of contracting your foot fungus..." I'm sure you have tried this route. Maybe.. a "I love you, I think you are a righteous sexy lad, but your feet are concerning me because I see that they obviously itch and irritate you... maybe try this cream or go to the doctor?" You may have already gone there, too.
The... "we have been married for awhile.. and I realize we get into comfort zones.. but your hygiene concerns me because it could add to financial issues in the future (i.e. surgery for p. disease, prescribed foot creams, extraneous dental work, etc.)" ahhh. hints? Do hints work? like buying a new sonicare toothbrush? just up and spraying his feet with athlete's foot stuff? sanitizing the bathtub blatantly after he showers? I know it could be construed as mean. He's sounds like a real sweetie...but baby.. you gotta lay it down. for yourself... and for him.
Other than that.. I'm just not sure how to get him to understand otherwise... a one on one minister session, but not so much a group one. You must tell him how much much much you love him... but that his hygiene affects you too.. not just monetarily, but physically.. and well, romantically. I wish you luck.. I know you two will get thru this. I'm certain of it.
Aug 11 2008, 11:48 PM
Actually, the "A" stands for "Already" (I linked it to the Urban Dictionary entry) but asshole works, too.
Totally off-topic, but I'm allergic to regular deodorant, too, kitten. I don't know what you've tried, but I tried the crystal salt one, Toms of Maine, JASON, the one with the mountain on the label (Mountain Cleer or something)....they all kinda sucked. They're all deodorant only, not anti-perspirant and I never really thought I sweated that much until I found Almay Hypo-Allergenic Anti-Perspirant & Deodorant. I guess I really did sweat a lot, because now there's a huge difference. And no allergic reaction.
The only place I can usually find it is Walgreen's, but it looks like they sell it on Amazon, too, here
. They have a clear gel and a roll-on. The gel's okay but I prefer the roll-on.
Aug 12 2008, 06:52 AM
polly - I'll look into that. I've been using stuff from Lush that works great but is kind of messy. Thanks.
Aug 12 2008, 11:05 AM
Me and the guy I'm dating had our first real bad day yesterday. Mostly it's been magical, one or two days have been nice enough but yesterday was flat out rough.
First, he turned me down for sexy times for the first time. It was in the morning before work and yes, we'd have sex the night before, and he was stressed about going to a doctor's appointment, but it was significant to me in that it was the first time either of us had been like, "nah."
The hard part about that for me is that I was with someone for three years who had a very low sex drive due to LOTS of medication he was on for manic depression. In the beginning, the sex was fine because of all the love chemicals in his brain. But of course when that wore off the medication really proved to be a damper and our sex life became non existent. We were both miserable. He wasn't really willing to talk about it, I felt bad about myself, went out drinking too much, the relationship fell apart.
So when this new guy kind of pushed my hand away, it felt like an all too familiar punch in the gut. I was kind of pouty about it. We left each other on okay terms, not great. Luckily we ran into each other on our respective commutes to work and that was a pleasant surprise that made us both feel better. Later when we talked about it over email he took some responsibility, said he could have handled it better and when it happens again he'll try to sweeten the deal with some kind words & sugar. I said that I knew this relationship is not the same as the old one, and that I'd try not to freak out if he's not in the mood every once in a while. Sounds like everything is okay, right?
Wrong. UGH. There was this whole other issue of two female gossipy friends of his who may or may not hate me. I tried not to care, then I cared, then he and I got into a fight about it and it looked like we were going to go to bed mad. I was feeling pretty fed up. I didn't ask to be gossiped about by his catty friends, I did honestly try to shake it off and ignore it when it happened, and then later when we argued, I apologized for what I saw as my part in the fight. I used the word "a**holes" in reference to his friends... possibly true, but probably not a good call on my part. I probably should have said jerks. Or "mean girls."
Yeah, the "a**holes" thing really seemed to do him in, and he seemed unwilling to move past it despite my admitting that no matter how angry or frustrated I was with them, that it was uncalled for and that I was sorry. He was just really quiet. I couldn't take it. Finally I got up out of bed and started to get my things.
Then of course he reached for me and asked where I was going, I said, "I am not going to lay here feeling guilty and miserable for something I apologized for, I'm going home," then of course he told me not to go, and then of course I started crying, and then of course his resolve melted.
My question is, why can't men accept your apology when you lay it out sincerely. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE CRYING FOR THEM TO BE NICE TO YOU AGAIN???
We talked some more- he expressed frustration that his friends' nonsense had come between us, but that he felt I was allowing it to come between us. He had a real good point there. I was, and I'm not going to anymore. I stopped crying, we had good make up sex (haven't done that in years! nice! but hopefully won't happen too much) and a nice morning and I think it will all be fine.
But it was a draining day.
I am having some girlfriends over tonight to watch Lifetime movies. I think he and I both need the space.
Aug 12 2008, 05:24 PM
Aug 18 2008, 03:27 PM
I'm sorry to sort of barge in here, this isn't a very serious problem but something just came up. My boy has just confessed to me that he thinks he might be a Republican. I'm like ...what!? I have always been under the impression that we were on the same wavelength, politically. I was raised straight liberal by two ex-hippies. I think that compassion comes first when making political decisions. I know that he's a product of the affluent South (as am I) but I hadn't expected this.
He says he's "grown out of" liberal thinking. What!?!
I don't think this is a deal-breaker for me (we're going on 4 years and dated in high school) but I am upset. What would you ladies do if your man up and joined the dark side? I feel like f-ing Padme. (nerd points for star wars reference)
sareybelle - The crying thing is so true. It's like if I'm not crying, he doesn't think I mean it.
Aug 18 2008, 04:04 PM
QUOTE(crinoline @ Aug 18 2008, 04:27 PM)
sareybelle - The crying thing is so true. It's like if I'm not crying, he doesn't think I mean it.
Oh no, your guy too?
Re: the Republican thing, I think my main priority would be to figure out if he agreed on the social issues that are important to me, or that we could at least compromise on them. I'm not sure that I could date a pro-life man. I'm pretty sure I could date one who believes in the right to bear arms.
I wonder if this is a recent thing for him, or if he now realizes he always felt this way deep down. (Oh wait nevermind. I reread your post and see his statement about outgrowing liberal thinking.)
Aug 18 2008, 05:58 PM
I find that the idea of "grow[ing] out" of liberal thinking to be really condescending. What does that mean? The person is too old to give a damn? And I will not have sex with anti-choicers or people that I feel are racist/homophobic. So for me it would come down to the specific issues. I have friends who are more fiscally and socially conservative than I am. It isn't a deal beaker in and of itself but it would be difficult.
Aug 18 2008, 07:57 PM
I think it's just fiscal for him. He's concerned about the capital gains tax and whatnot. He's pro-choice, we've actually had a fight two years ago because he said that if I got pregnant he'd want me to abort. I think he doesn't really know what he believes yet, but I don't want him to harden his heart.
Aug 19 2008, 10:04 AM
I only discovered a few years ago that my parents are not registered under the same political party. My mom is a Republican and my dad is a Democrat. They get along just fine and still seem to agree on a lot of points. So it isn't the end of the world, Crinoline. I would simply talk with him about why he feels this way. But if he starts referring to Bush as a "great man", run for the hills!!!
Aug 19 2008, 10:28 AM
QUOTE(crinoline @ Aug 18 2008, 08:57 PM)
I think it's just fiscal for him. He's concerned about the capital gains tax and whatnot. He's pro-choice, we've actually had a fight two years ago because he said that if I got pregnant he'd want me to abort. I think he doesn't really know what he believes yet, but I don't want him to harden his heart.
Weirdly, last night Mr. Wonderful and I had a conversation about birth control failure and what we would do if I got pregnant without us intending to. It was quite a weight off my shoulders. We were riding our bikes around, and I mentioned casually that I was thinking of talking to my doctor about birth control options, something more reliable than the pill I am on (ring? IUD? I'm checking it all out).
The reason it became important to me was because I realized the other day that if I got pregnant, I just couldn't have an abortion now. Been there, done that at age 19 and while it was 100% the right decision for me then, at this point in my life (31, relatively financially stable, terrific sperm donor
, good support at work and home) it would be really tough. I realized that if birth control fails, it will probably be because I was cavelier about taking it properly. That really scared me. Considering that I am not exactly open minded about what I would do in the case of an unintended pregnancy, I thought it was best to tell him the truth about how I felt since our current BC method is all me, and he has no control over it.
He was super super nice about it. Turns out he had a similar experience with his girlfriend in their early twenties so he knows how it is to be on the other side, which is nice because you don't feel judged, like "OH MY GOD HOW CAN YOU HAVE BEEN SO STUPID, YOU TRAMP." It was also reassuring to hear him say that while he doesn't regret the decision they made when they were young, and while he is as pro-choice as ever, that it would be similarly harder for him to live with that decision now.
We talked about what had changed in our lives to bring us to this point and basically, means and maturity were the big things. What I left unsaid was that in part, it's him too. I'd like to think that for him in part, it's also me. Regardless I think we'd both like plenty more time to decide if we ever want to have children and if so whether we'd want it to be with each other, but it was a HUGE RELIEF to feel like I'd come clean with him about my conflict. At least this way if things go awry, while there may be angst, he won't have to feel like a bomb was dropped on him.
Aug 22 2008, 11:14 AM
My boyfriend of 10 months is a super conservative republican and I am a socially liberal libertarian. It can work. While we agree on many things bc I am extremely big on personal responsibility and fiscal conservatism and working for what you want there is much we don't agree on. However, I have learned alot from him, and he from me, because the fact of the matter is, often I sought out only information I would agree with and wouldnt get both sides of a story. Now, I do. So, honestly, its about how you approach it not what political party they are. To be honest, I think it's sexy he stands up for his beliefs, even when they arent the same as mine, and talking about politics can be fun and stimulating. Some things can/should be dealbreakers, but honestly, if he's respectful of your views, and you of his, then I don't see the problem. If hes not, well thats another story altogether.
Also, I know many republicans who dont have a hardened heart, and I think assuming that about conservatives is just as bad as when they assume all liberals are whiny brats who do nothing but bitch all day and give free handouts to people. neither is correct.
Aug 22 2008, 11:21 AM
Holy fuckballs, it's Katie!
Aug 22 2008, 11:34 AM
Haha i know! I think my hiatus is over for now;)
Aug 22 2008, 11:37 AM
You lie! You just don't love AP anymore!
Aug 22 2008, 11:39 AM
Hahahaa not true. I emailed you! I looooove me some AP. Been way too long. people have gotten married and had kid since i last really was on here. lol
Aug 30 2008, 07:56 PM
In response -- my boyfriend and I hardly agree on anything rather than we love each other like crazy... so I do think people with opposing political views can make it work!
As for said boyfriend, he just started medical school, we moved to a new city for this and I am looking for a job, but spend most of my time at home, alone. I worry when he goes out, i know for no good reason, because I just keep thinking, what if he finds someone else? Future doctor's can be very attractive, I'm sure. I know these fears are irrational, but when I've been sitting at home alone for most of the day, my mind goes a little nuts.
Sep 1 2008, 06:43 PM
...but when I've been sitting at home alone for most of the day, my mind goes a little nuts.
Gods yes, me too. You have my sympathies.
So I took my boyfriend to Ohio to meet my family last week. It was Tuesday thru Saturday. Not gonna lie, there was a big part of me that kept fearing The Geek would back out at the last minute or that we would have a fight while we were there or something.
Well, nothing happened. It was kind of amazing. We had a cheap hotel near my mother's apartment. It was so nice to be able to see my family without having to sleep there and deal with the cigarettes and crazy 17 y/o step sis. He seems to read my family really well. He recognized that my mom's partner has a very immature need to take credit for everything, whether it makes sense or not. Ex. he found a used Play Station 2 that he decided to buy. The partner said that he bought it b/c he has played PS w/her for a few hours the day before. Again, it seems like a little thing but it is the kind of thing that makes me nuts. He just let it go (and this is not a guy who is good at letting things go.)
He did some things for me that just make me go all gooey when I think about them. First, the night after he had spent time playing PS2 and having dinner with my mom & Co. we were at the hotel talking about different family dynamics and stuff and how how my stepsis needs
to have a boyfriend. I was going on about how one of the things I liked about him and me was that even though we both wanted to be in a relationship when we met, niether of us needed to have a boy/girlfriend. He stopped, kissed my hands and said, "Well, I'm glad I found you." It doesn't sound like much but it was all the moment that he said it, you know? And then, a few days later we did kareoke with the family. The fact that he was willing to do that alone made me adore him but, on the way home, the partner was going on and on about her songs that she sang (she takes kareoke very seriously.) The Geek was an appreciative audiance to her conversation but then he spoke up: "Kittenb did Sarah Mclaughlin. That's not easy." Again, that doesn't sound like much but everyone takes backseat to the partner's constant need for affirmation.
So, after all that (my family loved him) we drove home and spent two nights at my house. I had assumed that he would want to get back to his own place and decompress. This is the longest amount of time we have spent together. I miss him right now (probably miss him more if I wasn't so tired) but it is time to get back to regular life.
Funny wrap up note: we did a lunch w/his family today. His sister-in-law announced her new pregnancy by wrapping up two baby onesizes for his mom and I to unwrap. His mom's read, "I <3 my grandparent." Mine read, "I <3 my Uncle Geek and Kittenb." I almost fainted. I feel like he and I are in this really great place and that just felt like pressure
. However, we both laughed about it afterwards. He also thought it was weird though it is nice that he family liked me that much. I joked that now he was stuck with my until the baby turned 18 out of fear or traumatizing the kid.
Sorry for the novel. I just had a lot to say.
Sep 1 2008, 09:17 PM
OT -kitten I've been meaning to say I looove Dr. Horrible! great quote!
Sep 1 2008, 10:33 PM
And just so you know,
"The Hammer is my penis."
Sep 1 2008, 10:42 PM
Kitten, I'm so glad to hear that things went so well! That boy deserves some amazing nookie.
Sep 2 2008, 11:33 AM
kitten, so good to hear that things went well with the geek and the fam.
Sep 2 2008, 12:05 PM
Hope everyone is doing well.
I'm moving out next week. My dad is coming to help out. I'm going to move in with my sister until I can get on my feet in the new state. He doesn't seem to care. He has shown no emotion, remorse, nada.
If I listed all the crap he has said to me, and then done to me...you, who have followed the course of this breakdown, would be totally shocked and disgusted. Let's say that it could be labeled, if we were to do labels, as a form of mental abuse.
Of course, everything is my fault. and I'm the crazy one.
So that's that. I'm on the move again. I feel like my hearts going to jump out of my chest. I'm definitely planting my roots once and for all. Maybe if I stay put in a city long enough, I can actually accomplish my goals. And I'm definitely going to focus on being single. I need this.
Oh and I just found out that a supposed best friend is dating a recent ex. It's not the "code" I'm so much worried about. It's the fact that she justifies doing it because we haven't been in touch for a few months. It's the fact that she blames me for it. Wow. I am so tired of people using me, or blaming me, to justify or rationalize their choices. their actions.
What is the universe wanting me to learn already? sheesh.
Sep 2 2008, 12:22 PM
If I listed all the crap he has said to me, and then done to me...
Done to you? Are you safe there?
Sep 2 2008, 02:20 PM
Sep 2 2008, 02:32 PM
no..it's nothing like that.
it's the belittling, the avoidance, the constant blaming or turning anything or everything into my fault. I'm blamed for him having ignored, neglected, avoided me over the last few months. If I hadn't pleaded for his understanding, empathy..compromise..attention, then he wouldn't have had to ignore, neglect, avoid me. See? It's my fault that he doesn't (didn't) want to have sex with me very often...because I wanted it too much or more than him. So I'm in the wrong because I have a higher libido, or that I want to have sex in a fresh relationship. I could understand it slowing down a bit after a few years..yada yada..but within two months of being together?
I have been attacked for merely leaving a drink about the house once or twice. and yet, i do the dishes..I've been attacked for not keeping up the laundry. and yet, I do his laundry, fold it, and put it away for him. I've been attacked for not keeping the house clean..and yet, I'm the only one who sweeps, mops, dusts, etc.
Like I've said before...I am/was his scullery maid. and if I'm not behaving within his parameters, then it's time to learn my place in his world. He has most certainly shown me where I stand to him.
He has said I am a liar because I have told others of my *intentions* of exercizing, and because I haven't done so routinely or at all really...I'm a liar.
I took up a new hobby because he told me that because I do/did not have an engrossing hobby that I was focusing too much on him..or relying on him for entertainment. Never mind the fact that he wasn't and hasn't been displaying to me my importance to him. He just wanted to me to get out of his hair..and yet, he says it's because he wants me to be happy. Then, after having taken up said hobby...he said that it doesn't count because I haven't been doing it long enough...nevermind that I had to wait until the supply order came in.
Now he just says I'm crazy. I'm depressed. I'm projecting on him.
He has never once apologized. or even been sincerly tender to me. I don't feel there is any effort on his part to lovingly commit to a relationship. His tactics are to avoid, ignore, attack/belittle.
Did I mention money? He told me that he would take care of me. that he would pay the house payment...etc. I've been trying to work, but because I can't find a better job (the economy sux down here)..it's my fault. I haven't followed up properly. The utility bill has "tripled" and that's because of me.
So you see? no amount of pleading for him to really get it will ever help. it is what it is.
narcissicism never glared so brightly.
Sep 2 2008, 02:38 PM
That's so terrible. I'm sorry he turned completely 180 on you. He sounds like a controlling, manipulative asshole now, but I am sure he did an excellent job of hiding that before you got down there. I'm just so sorry to hear that you're going through this.
At the same time, I'm so relieved that you're moving out next week! HOORAY!!!!
Sep 3 2008, 12:42 AM
you are doing without a doubt what is absolutely best for yourself.
Sep 3 2008, 09:45 PM
((((moonpie)))) So happy to hear you are moving out! it sounds like it is absolutely the right thing to do. I believe you are a very strong woman and this is completely with in your ability to do and do well.
Sep 3 2008, 11:13 PM
Thanks all...it truly brings me comfort to receive such affirmation.
The move itself is happening rather quick but it's been in the works in my mind for a while now. It's like ripping off a band-aid, better to do it quick.
His mom called me today and left a message, as I was on my way to work. She says she is absolutely crushed by the news of me moving out. She is the one that told me that if he doesn't shape up, he'll be losing a good thing. Well...seems he didn't shape up, mama. So at least she'll essentially understand why this is necessary. I think...cause blood is thicker than water...
He, of course, acts like he doesn't care. same old shit..playing his computer games with his troll bud, acting just the same--cold, apathetic, self-righteous, etc. the epitome of TOTAL asshole with a kungfu death grip on his ego.
but enough about him...i'm wasting my breath.
I'm already getting an influx of support from friends who live in the area of where I'm moving. And there will be more to come as the news trickles in to those that I've been out of touch with or haven't been physically close enough to in a while. I really think that I'm in a much much better mindset now to be and live single. To just be alone and be okay with that. Funny cause I've been having to do that regardless. I think that's one good thing I can bring outta of this mess. I feel stronger about who I am, what I want. thanks for giving me that compliment, ((shinyx3)).
There's a decent school nearby that apparently gives out good fin. aid so I can get my master's once I get settled.
It's closer to a big city (ATL) which =more culture, more fishies
(I wanna wait a bit on new fishies, tho), BETTER JOBS!
I'll get to really spend quality time with my sister and my nephews. she as a work out, shopping, crafting, cooking, bestest buddy.
Lots of pros. The con is that I won't be close to the ocean, but ya win some ya lose some. I think I'll be MUCH happier...begone situtional depression Begone!!!
guess I'll start posting in "moooving on" if I even care to waste my breath on this tool. But, I think I may post in praise of singledom instead!!! muwahahahha!
oh...and (((shinyx3)) I love your dorothy parker nod. great poem.
(((I heart busties)))
Sep 3 2008, 11:24 PM
Hey, MPL, nothing at all wrong with being single! Better to be committed to yourself than committed to a disrespectful egomaniacal asshole. The Committed Busties salute you!
You know, I have a feeling that this could be the beginning of the very best part of your life so far. You have so much to look forward to - the love of friends and family, opportunities to learn and grow, to explore the things that interest you. It's going to be great. And so what if the ocean isn't on your doorstep. It's close enough that you can drive there for a day. That's good enough. Besides, you may be too busy living your glorious new life to miss it!
Sep 3 2008, 11:41 PM
I always found that after a necessary, dramatic breakup, instead of wallowing, I took care of myself ardently and did whatever I needed to do. I always felt healthier after a breakup.
Sep 4 2008, 05:17 PM
word. I just posted a letter to myself that states my determination as such. to ardently take care of myself...focus on myself not in a self centered or occupied way...just be kind and loving. The residual anger, disgust, and astonishment will subside in time. This will merely be a blip in what's to come.
Thanks for your support Ladies!!! Squeee!
Sep 4 2008, 08:42 PM
So, i figured I could maybe move this over here...it seems a bit better than clogging up the amazingly awesome "write a letter" thread.
Thanks a bunch all you busties out there...just reading the lounge makes me feel more comforted most days.
MPL....I'm totally picking up what you're putting down. ;-) It took me a really long time to let myself accept the fact that constant gaming isn't normal, that it's not my fault, and that I'm not being selfish for feeling neglected. I really wonder some days if my S doesn't have some kind of psychological issue going on. Some days (hours, sometimes) he can be okay...but the large, large majority of the time he's not. Last week, for example, I got my ass chewed for asking him how he'd like his eggs cooked one morning. This past weekend, he yelled at me for being a 'bitch' to a friend after she screamed at me across a table of 7 of our friends that I was ruining her life.
To make matters worse, he recently lost his job, too. As of Sept. 15, he'll be home...all the time...every hour of every day with nothing to do but play that f-ing game. I am actually really concerned what other harm this is going to do because he's already slipping into what seems like another depression (which is also, consequently what started many of our problems...instead of dealing with it or talking to anyone, he played the game every minute he had. When I asked him why...he said it was because it was the only thing that made him feel normal...but I digress.) I guess I'm worried that if he does slip into a depression, he will just play the game all the time and not even attempt to look for a new job.
I feel really stuck. Being married and owning a house together complicates this situation to a tremendous degree. I'm a PhD student at the university here in town, so I don't make enough money to support myself (without student aid, that is.) I also hate feeling like I am constantly the one that has to fix his problems. I can barely keep my own head together most days, let alone some one elses.
So, when I wrote that original letter last weekend...I was just done. Done with everyone who brings their shit into my life and throws it at me. Granted, I have some really great friends who have been phenomenal through all of this, but ultimately it's me that has to make the choices. I just don't know what to do.
Sep 4 2008, 09:48 PM
That's a hard one. That kind of flipping out and being an emotionally abusive arsehole is unacceptable. Someone screams at you, that's probably going to warrant being a bitch to them - what did he expect? As for the eggs thing, that's so incredibly uncool.
I just can't fathom that, y'know? He needs help. He needs something. Because it isn't about gaming, it's about addiction. GirlFace and I were talking about game addiction, she rocked it for a while, and she said that for her it was an escape. She was working massive hours at a shitty job with shitty pay, living in the buttfuck end of nowhere with none of her friends around, her bestie started a taking speed and she fell into the game as a way to escape from that and be social with other people. So she won't play that game anymore. A lot of it is the social effect - you don't need the same social skills, you don''t need to be anything other than the gamer. I had a friend do that with online porn as well. But you can't make them not be addicted.
But I'd be hella sure to protect myself - set up a fund only you can touch, make a plan. Because if he's losing his job and not making moves for a new one, shit will go bad and quick. The friend addicted to porn? Her husband was a game addict. They lost their house over this shit because both of them made excuse after excuse to not work, keep broadband and the game subs. I got the call to help them pack because the bank was changing the locks.
Sep 4 2008, 11:48 PM
Oh my mutha f-ing cawd..girl. My heart cries out for you in your situation. We definitely understand each other. I just caught it faster than you..cause this guy, not my guy
, is just that bad. I have to sit and write this to you as he talks on the phone, playing a game with his trolly forever single man-love that enables and is just as addicted to gaming as he. He has done NOTHING but escape into his games per usual...as he hears the tape crack across the boxes. This is a guy that told me, wooed me, described...our marriage. how wonderful we'd be together..how he would take care of me..hmrphf whatever that means in his head...how he would go to the beach with me on his days off..how we would travel round florida....
WOW..I got nothing. NOTHING. I got games, computer games starting with Conan 5 days after I arrived. I reread my diary starting exacting 3 wks of my arriving..and it read of my disappointment, bewilderment, Hope?...even then..
regardless of whether the other busties tell me I shouldn't feel so. I am SO much better and stronger than this. And so are you.
I just hate hate hate that this happened to you, and you are married. sigh...married. damn it. You have serious financial ties with him..and to f*ck off a job? Oh baby baby. I am sooo sorry. You do not digress when you say that a game is the only thing that makes him feel normal. perfect testiment. That is just...sad. It's sad. He's sad. I'm sorry he suffers from depression, but that's NO excuse for him to belittle or yell at you for doing something NICE FOR him. grrr... uncool is an understatement. no offense, trust, to ananke for using that word. No excuse for him neglecting you. treating you as if he could care less...as if you are way down on his list of priorities..doesn't even care if he hears you cry about it.
I've been blamed for everything. I'm blamed for leaving the relationship. He has made NO compromise on the gaming. He HIDES in his games. What a coward. It's mental, emotional abuse. And what's up with your friends screaming at you and making a scene? what?! no friend of mine would do that. But what's worse...is that he doesn't have your back in that. Is that he's not siding with you. SO disrespectful and hurtful. Defend you..stand by you. what happens if you have children? It's just not right. and a "bitch". copy paste...mental, emotional abuse
As for school, can your family help out at all? If not, can student aid help? Do you have any friends you can stay with if you decide to leave? How strung are you to him financially?
I agree with Ananke...it may take you some time to get out...I say set up funds on your own if you can. But, I'd say if I could come swoop you up asap, I would.
Like I said...like ripping off a band-aid, do it quick. But, I'm not married...heart out to ya.
Sep 5 2008, 07:51 AM
MPL, I just want to chime in with everyone wishing you well for the move. I liked humanist's point in particular: so true, in retorspect moving on and away from certain relationships were some of my healthiest, most clear-sighted times. Keep us posted in whatever thread you like! And please, never ever feel embarrassed: you had faith in him because he deliberately represented himself to you as able to maintain a relationship; and as we can see, he's not. Take care and best of luck.
Nadasgirl, owning the the house together does make things difficult but not impossible: it shouldn't keep you from going if that's what you've decided to do (((ndsgirl)))
Sep 6 2008, 10:08 AM
(((MPL and Nadasgirl)))
I hope everything works out for you ladies.
My problems seem so trivial now in comparison. I'm upset because I told my boyfriend that I wanted to go to his med school orientation week semi-formal when he mentioned it a few weeks ago, and I got all excited about it. He didn't bother to look into it really and now he's going tonight... without me... because it's too late to get a ticket and he didn't realize that until yesterday.
I'm trying very hard not to be upset. It's stupid and trivial, it's just that in high school I never got to go to these things, and when we were in Uni the bf never wanted to go. Sigh.
Anyways, BIG HUGS to all the girls who have way more serious problems than me. I just needed to get this out.
Sep 7 2008, 07:01 PM
Today I have...
1) Gone out to get breakfast...which took me an hour and I got no response about it when I got home.
2) Cleaned the house
3) Done the laundry
4) Made brownies
5) Made dinner
6) Forced, Forced! S to mow the lawn since I'm allergic to grass....which he bitched about.
And what do I get? A day of sitting by myself while he plays the mother-f-ing game and watches football. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate football...but it makes the gaming so much worse. You should see his lair...you really should. It's like man-cave central, impenetrable by female-kind. Besides, being in the same room, or trying to watch TV in the same room with someone who is talking over headphones and playing an online game is about as fun as someone answering their cell phone in the movie theatre.
I just went down to finish up dinner...and what do I get there? "I'm not that hungry...I'll just heat some up later."
Obviously, I'm pissed...standing there...and what do I get, "Oh, do you have a headache?"
I was just reading the "in praise of singledom" thread thinking...you know, if I lived on my own, at least I wouldn't have my hope for companionship constantly dashed.
Sep 7 2008, 08:35 PM
What is his response when you have confronted him of his game playing? not spending time with you? How long have you been enduring this?
Update: His mother stopped by yesterday. It was emotional. We cried. She told me how much she loves me. How the whole family loves me. How she realizes the problem is basically not me. She said his inability to be flexible, empathic, engaged with life outside of his gaming, and his defense to the death of it...is what has caused the breakdown and demise of our relationship. The whole family saw it she said while we were on family vacation. It's SO apparent who is to blame. That's right. blame. This guy has SERIOUS issues. The reason why we don't communicate well at all is because I don't just sit there and take it. I don't do what he says...is what he actually said in front of his mother. That I don't pick up after myself and that's why we don't work. Huh? and that, my dears...is a crock of poop. She mentioned the gaming...his response is that gaming is what he likes to do. that's it. Nevermind what others say. He actually told me to shush. to shut it up. in front of his mother. He cannot and will not handle the truth of himself. He HIDES. The whole thing is over to both he and I. He is done. Why? I challenge him. I shake his steel wall. and he hates that. so he hates me.
So anyways...as I said the validation of it all is...comforting. And he has continued to be completely engrossed in his games. He pulled an all-nighter last night. didn't go to bed until 11:30am. Now...he is doing the same thing. What a coward.
All is going smoothly with packing, as well. His mother wants to hang out with me tomorrow. Beach, lighthouse, lunch.
I also spoke with my friend who anxiously awaiting my arrival for a good while. that was good.
I am so ready...scared a bit...but ready to just be single for a good while. I'm excited about strengthening my relationship with myself.
(((Lananans)) No worries...nothing is trite or trivial. It affects you so it's not trivial. I completely understand wanting to do the "prom" night kinda thing. What I don't understand is why he didn't think to invite you in the first place? bringing a date to these kinda functions is commonplace. I'm perplexed. It makes you feel left out. I would feel upset, too. Hope that got all smoothed out for you...thanks for the hug. I need lots of em.
Sep 7 2008, 08:59 PM
MPL- When I have talked to him about the gaming, I usually get one of two responses...
1) It makes me feel normal
2) It's just what I like to spend my time doing, why is that a bad thing?
Whenever I say anything about him not spending time with me, it's...ok, then what should we do. Plan something. Initiate everything. Then, guaranteed, anytime I can lure him out of the chamber, he sighs and complains about being bored the entire time we are out. And of course, if we are ever gone anywhere (anytime) the first thing he does is run back to the basement and he starts to play the *second* we get home. It is seriously like he's looking for the next "fix."
The online gaming started about 3 years ago as a replacement for playing Magic: The Gathering, since the people he used to play with, by and large, moved away. Not that I was ever a big Magic fan, but it was so much less bad compared to this. At least when he played magic, he got out of the house and was forced to actually interact with people face to face. Also, the fact that he physically needed another person to play made the play time relatively limited. The online gaming (as you know) has all-the-time availability. Magic though, is also a very,very costly game. I remember one semester, when we were in college, he actually told me that we weren't going to be able to do anything for the rest of the semester (this was in like February) because he didn't have any money. I later found out that he didn't have any money because he'd spent all of his student loan "living expense" money on Magic cards.
I ask him sometimes (or maybe more like tell him) that I always feel like I can never be as interesting to him as the game. He, of course, always denies it...and confronts me about feeling "jealous" of a game. Don't I know, silly, that of course people are more important than a game? What he doesn't realize, is that all of his actions never back that up. In perfect honesty...I have learned things about S, what's going on in his life, and the things that are bothering him from the people he plays the game with before he tells me about them.
I was talking to my mom about this earlier, and she had an interesting insight. She posited that I have grown up and accepted the "adult world" and he is trying as hard as he can to remain in college. You know, I think she may be right. The job he just lost is the job that he's had since he graduated from college. We still live in the same town, he has made NO new friends, and he still plays "fantasy" games constantly. Nothing has ultimately changed for him since he was 20 years old. Me, on the other hand...I have gotten my Master's Degree, and most of a Ph.D, my dad died 4 years ago, I lost my closest aunt and all but one of my grandparents within three years of that day, made new friends, re-evaluated what I wanted to do with my life, supported my mother through 4 major surgeries, and dealt with a marriage that has been crumbling for a year and a half....all while teaching and making grades, and working on my dissertation. I don't list all of those things as a poor me...I list them as a "go me." I have questioned many times in the last year, as a sidenote, if we ever had that much in common, or if we just had the same friends so it seemed like we had a lot in common.
I am very proud of making it through the last five years...it's been tough. I wonder, if I've just gotten to a place in my life where S and I have grown far enough apart, that we aren't really relevant to each other any more. There may not be constant screaming and fighting, but this certainly isn't what marriage should be.
Sep 7 2008, 09:22 PM
Lananans, So sorry to hear about the formal. It seems strange that he went anyway without you, but maybe that's just because most of the guys I know don't really enjoy formal events.
NadasGirl, my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you have a true addict on your hands. I'm so sorry about that. I know this sounds strange, but I wonder if it might help if you contacted an addiction recovery group in your area. Or maybe you can start going to counseling & eventually get your husband to go with you.
Sep 7 2008, 10:33 PM
It is weird... when we were in uni he refused to go to a banquet that i helped organize, because he 'doesn't like dressing up'... but it's for med school orientation so he went... I'm not really upset anymore, apparently his friends called him an idiot and hit him over the head when he showed up without me.
Sep 10 2008, 11:50 AM
So here's an interesting development...
This morning, I get an IM from S. Apparently a friend of his, from his on-line guild, is pissed at her husband because he pushed the issue of their deteriorating relationship (we never actually talk or do anything together because you're always playing that game.) She too, is currently unemployed, and home all the time. She was asking S for advice about how to make her husband more "okay" with everything....things like..."you two have been married a long time, what do you talk about." The weird thing here is that 1)he sent all of this to me and 2)this really is two junkies helping each other. I so badly wish I could send her an email and say...you know, I feel the same way...we have the same problems. Incessant gaming is a problem. But I can't...because it's not my business. I guess the other thing that really struck me about this is that S seems really oblivious to the problems he and I have, to the point where he considers himself the "expert" about this...expert enough to give other people advice, apparently. Sheesh. I am sort of at a loss for words and thought for what to do about this. In all reality, there probably isn't anything I can actually do besides shake my head.