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zora
I just had a co-worker and a friend commit suicide and I'm pretty broken up about it. We weren't very close, but we were getting to be. When I found out he died, my first thought was, "No....not him.....we were just begining to be friends."
I feel pretty terrible and so do a lot of my co-workers. Everyone's been really good to eachother and giving hugs plus they brought in a greivence counseler and she talked to a group of us today.

I want to know when I will finally accept that he's gone, for good. I still can't believe it.
yuefie
(((((((zora)))))))) I am so sorry sweetie. It'is a special brand of grief when the death is a suicide. I don't know what else to say except I am sorry you are having to go through this sad.gif

I am glad you restarted this thread.

yuefie
I would just like to know, when the hell does it become easier on holidays and birthdays of the deceased loved ones? You know, time heals all wounds and all that BS. It's been nearly six years since my mama died and her birthday is still just as hard for me as it was the first year and every year since. The only day that is harder for me is the anniversary of her death. Yeah, that one sucks big donkey balls. I am ok with death, it happens, it's the cycle of life. But I am not okay with how much I miss her and that I find it hard to remember the sound of her voice.
girlygirlgag
I don't think it ever gets easier.
sidecar
I see my life as split into Before He Died and After He Died. And while I am closer to BHD Stevie than I have been since the accident, I will never be that girl again. Day to day gets easier; it never lets up in the long term.

It's been almost two years and I can't bring myself to remove my brother's name from the frequent contacts list in my fucking phone. Like it's going to bring him back or something.

I think I'm stuck in the anger phase these days. Whenever it comes up, whenever I feel compelled to say something about it, it always ends with me muttering "What a fucking waste." Because it was. Twenty-year-old kids shouldn't die in car accidents.
yuefie
QUOTE(sidecar @ Jul 31 2006, 09:22 PM) *
I see my life as split into Before He Died and After He Died. And while I am closer to BHD Stevie than I have been since the accident, I will never be that girl again. Day to day gets easier; it never lets up in the long term.

It's been almost two years and I can't bring myself to remove my brother's name from the frequent contacts list in my fucking phone. Like it's going to bring him back or something.

I think I'm stuck in the anger phase these days. Whenever it comes up, whenever I feel compelled to say something about it, it always ends with me muttering "What a fucking waste." Because it was. Twenty-year-old kids shouldn't die in car accidents.
I would be so fucking angry, sidecar. My friend's mom was hit as a teenager by a drunk driver and survived. Her left leg however did not. It was not taken immediately by the accident, but because of it she had major vascular problems her entire life. She ended up having to have it amputated last year, after a lifetime of struggle with both pain in the leg and myopathy in the foot. This woman loved to dance almost as much as she loved being a hairdresser, both activites which required her being on her feet for long periods of time. She is now adjusting to life in a wheel chair or trying to use a prosthetic. She is so depressed and has frequent bouts with infection. She just had her twentysomething surgery on Wednesday. Whenever I hear about someone being arrested for DUI, I think evil, heinous thoughts like "oh, too bad they didn't drive off a cliff". Sorry for the derailment, I've just been so disgusted by the flippant remarks regarding drunk driving. I can only imagine how they made you feel. ((((Stevie))))

sidecar
QUOTE
Sorry for the derailment, I've just been so disgusted by the flippant remarks regarding drunk driving.


I get completely enraged over it. My brother, despite his tender age, was developing a substance habit, in my opinion. He was the baby of our family, and often indulged, and while i think we all wanted to chalk it up to youthful indiscretion, his use of booze and pot was problematic. He was visiting some friends and went out that night with a friend of a friend to a couple parties where they both drank and smoked some pot (my dad goes to great lengths to insist it was second hand in my brother's case but i am not so naive), then went to a denny's around 2 or 3 am. the friend of a friend was driving. they walked out on their bill at denny's and the cops were called. when the kid who was driving saw the sirens, he decided to outrun the cops, hit a curve, and was thrown from the car as it flipped over an embankment. my brother wore his seatbelt and died from massive head injuries about sixteen minutes later. the driver survived. he has 10 years probation, one year in jail, one year of a revoked license (the maximum allowed by law in that state), a few rods in his legs, and 300 hours of community service, which must include speaking to high school students about what happened to him. i used to feel sorry for him, but then at the hearing for his sentencing, when the judge asked him if he had anything to say to our family (and by "our family" i mean virtually my entire extended family; every one of my dad's brothers and sisters and my cousins on that side showed up), he said, "Not at this time."

the whole night was a celebration of bad judgement. Take away any one of those bad decisions on either of their parts, and he's still alive. i don't want to diminish my brother's role in any of them ... but you can see why it always comes down to "what a fucking waste."

Truthfully, after I found out about the bill at Denny's and that my brother was alive for sixteen minutes after the accident, I told my mom I didn't want to know about anything else from the accident. It turns my stomach just knowing what I know. Hell, it turns my stomach that he's dead.
raisingirl
(((((((I'm really sad for all of you.))))))))
mandolyn
(((zora))) heartfelt sympathy, sweetie. i lost a friend and a dear cousin to suicide over 25 years ago and it still hurts. i still feel in my heart i could've done something, even tho my head knows that's not true.

(((sidecar))) i know it's not the same, at all, but i feel like i nearly lost my brother - but on the other end of the spectrum. he had 3 dui's before he finally wound up in jail. it broke my heart to see him in that orange jumpsuit, but i thank all things holy that that judge somehow knew that jail, even if only for a month, would shock him into the reality of where he was heading. he's totally turned his life around and is getting his license back next year.

i know with all my heart that if he'd killed someone, he'd have died inside also. i know he thinks about how close he came every day.

and i don't mean to sound holier-than-thou about it. because i've been behind the wheel when i shouldn't have been. and not that many years ago, either. for which i'm plenty ashamed. i hope i've never said anything flippant in here to offend you.

(((yuefie))) anniversaries do get easier. somehow. i can't explain it, but they do. but every once in a while, they'll gut you again.
falljackets
((((sidecar)))) i know it doesn't help at all to hear that we're all sorry for what happened. but i am. i have had my own issues with drunk driving accidents. i was hit by a drunk three years ago that left me with a broken back. and i know this sounds horrible, but the only positive thing that came out of it was that the fucker that hit me DIED. and his passenger (who also had a BAC of over 2). it's funny, people hear of my accident and they always say, "oh, i hope they got that asshole". and then i say that he died and they're not sure what to say. hey, he paid the ultimate price for his mistake.

sometimes though, i wish i could have gone up to him in a courtroom and showed him my surgical scars and told him about my pain and the way he destroyed my life there for a while. i still deal with depression and general day to day pain. in fact, i have physical therapy today, so it's something that never really leaves me. i'd liked to have been able to punch him in the face or spit on him or something.

sorry for the derailment. i just felt the same way about the flippancy i read in other posts. luck has nothing to do with it. take a fucking taxi.

and, (((zora))). i'm sorry. i hope you can recover from your pain.

i've actually thought of coming in here to talk about my ex. i found out a couple months ago that he committed suicide in august of 2004. i hadn't found out before that because when i left i had to get a restraining order against him and i cut off all communication with him, his family, our mutual friends, etc. i'd been with him from 15yo to about 24yo. he was an addict (pills, alcohol, coke, you name it) and he was emotionally and physically abusive to me. i'm realizing more and more that it was psychological as well. this guy is so firmly entrenched in my fucking psyche and i think of him still nearly every day. i always imagine him at his angriest of times when i think of him. i experienced so many firsts with him. i'm not just talking sexually. i'm talking about first times i heard songs, first time i tasted certain foods, first time visiting places, things like that. so every time i revisit these things, he comes to mind. does that make sense?

and i HATE thinking of him so often. i want my subconscious to be as finished with him as the rest of me. maybe i need to talk to a counselor. if only i could erase those years from my memory...

and i'm sorry for this derailment also. he's certainly not a loved one, but i suppose he was at one point so maybe that does count.
erinjane
*Falljackets, you might want to check out the Survivor's Space in The F-Word. The person who raped me isn't dead, but I know what you mean about thinking of him all the time. Three years have passed and seeing a certain place or listening to a certain song...sometimes I get this scent in the air and it smells just like him. I'm working on getting into a sexual assault crisis program. *

sidecar
falljackets, i am actually happy that the man who killed my brother survived, and that his family doesn't have to suffer as mine has. hopefully he'll learn from it and i don't envy him having to live with what he's done every day. if nothing else, others have. when my brother died, one of his old friends (also 20) had just had his license revoked. after the memorial service, he went home with his parents and told them he wasn't drinking anymore. he gets his license back this month and he has been sober for a year now.

mando, whenever i hear about someone who got a DUI and saw it as the wake-up call it should be, i am very happy to hear it. i'm from wisconsin, where drunk driving is considered a birthright, and it is something to be taken seriously. anything impairs. it shouldn't have to take what's happened to my family to learn to get a designated driver, walk, or make other plans to keep others -- and yourself -- safe.

(((zora)))) i totally overlooked you before. i can't even imagine your loss. i hope you and your coworkers are okay and taking care of each other.
erinjane
I've been reading this thread because i expected to come in here any day to post.

My grandma passed away this afternoon around 4. Kind of surreal, but not surreal enough to distance myself from it, which I'm glad about. She's been sick for two months, going up and down, and in the last week she went down fast. She lived at a nursing home/hospital and the staff was really great. A spiritual advisor stayed with us for the last two hours and her friend from the next room came in too. My uncle, my parents, and my brothers and sister in law stayed the whole time too. Me and my brothers were her only grandchildren.

I held her hand and watched her breaths get shorter. I could see her heart beat through the hospital gown and I watched it until it stopped. It kept going right until the nurse came in after she stopped breathing to check her pulse. As soon as she turned off the oxygen her heart stopped. We all sat there for an hour. We have a lot of black humour in our family so my dad said, jokingly, "Geez, did anyone expect it to take that long?" We all laughed and it was nice, because that's the kind of family we are.

Such a long day.
yuefie
(((((erinjane)))) I am sorry for your loss sad.gif

It's nice to hear that you and your family were all together and have eachother's support through this difficult time.

sidecar
((((erinjane))))) I'm also sorry for your loss. I don't think I could be present for a loved one's death like that. Your family is very brave and strong; I hope you can rely on each other in the month's to come.
Owl_Gang_Girl
Hello folks. My heart goes out to you all. Some of the things here have certainly struck a chord with me especially when sidecar said she still had her brother's number in her called list. My brother is still in my mobile phone book 5 years after his death. Silly little things like that make him seem closer. He was 21 when he died of an accidental overdose and i was just 14. I felt totally abandoned especially when my other brother left to go back to uni just 2 months later. I guess living in an old folks home for 17 years (I'm not joking!) will teach you one thing though. Death happens, alot. That's not to say that we should all be ok with it or feel happy about it or even have to accept it but it's something that helps me keep life light. If anyone out there in bust land ever wants my tender ear then feel free to put your head on my shoulder. I wont try to tell you everything will be ok and (most insultingly) you'll get "over it" one day. But i will listen and i don't care how morbid you think you sound. I'm here for you Ladies. Lean on me.
Big Love.
Xxxxx.
Park Ave Princess
ive been reading posts here since i was like 13 and im 20 now and this is the first time im posting. ive always just taken advice and most of the questions i had were already asked and answered. but now, ive been oing through so much that i feel lik i need to. my post prolly has to go into 700 different threads, but i think the root of my problem belongs here.
when i was 10 i was so excited b/c i finally got a baby sister in november '96...until then, i was an only child. she was born w/ left ventrical hypoplasty which means her left ventricle didnt fully form and because of that, she needed to have surgery. she spent the first month of her life in the hospital and had 1 surgery. she was so tough...3 - 4 nurses had to hold her down just to get blood from her. she had another surgery in june or july, a minor surgery in february and her third, and final, surgery in july of 98...she never recovered from that surgery.
she was 20 months old
to this day, i can't think aboiut it without sobbing. usually wen she comes up (i have another sister now, shes 7, but when peolp;e ask how many sibilings i have, i always say 2...because thats how many i have) its like someone presses play on the recorder in my head the the shorter version just comes out. ive been told that it looks like im there but no ones home when i tell the story. i guess thats how i keep myself sane.
but lately...well not really lately...for about the past 2 years ive been getting more and more upset about ltitle things, my sister is bothering me more...its not getting easier, its getting harder
im not full out depressed b/c i still get outta bed and do wut i hafta do, but not happily. im always tired, no sex drive...
the reason im posting this is b/c im hoping that i can find someone who has lost a younger sibling or knows any good self-help books about it. i can only find coping with the death of an adult sibling, which isnt the same...not even close...

i'll take any advice anyone has...sorry for the novel
Park Ave Princess



--"People forget there is such thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away..." - George Carlin--
yuefie
Hey park ave princess, first of all welcome to BUST. This is a great place for support, the BUSTies have helped me through many a rough time. After reading your post, my heart aches for you. I do not have any answers for you, but wish I did. Never apologize for your posts here, that is what this place is for. Write as much and whatever you need to. I know that for myself sometimes writing it all out and coming back and reading it again helps a little. I do hope you will stick around. I noticed in your post you said you aren't suffering from depression because you are still getting what you need to done, however you did say that you are suffering from being tired, a lack of sex drive. if you have lost interest in things that make you happy those are markers of depression. I would check with your physician, they may really be able to help. Also have you ever attended bereavement counseling of any sort? I do not have any experience with the loss of a younger sibling, but can only imagine the void that would be left if I did. Hopefully someone else out there will have something to add. ((((parkaveprincess)))))
P.S. do stop by and introduce yourself in the newbies thread smile.gif


bunnyb
(((parkaveprincess))) I'm sorry for your loss. I have a sister who was born in Nov '96 and I can't bear to imagine what you're going through.

You may want to have a look at Name All the Animals
kcrile
Wow!!! Do NOT read this thread at work! I am so close to crying right now. And I do temp work, so it isn't even like I know my co-workers all that well.

THe posts about not wanting to delete someone's number from your cell phone are the ones that kills me. My father died from pancreatic cancer in May 2006 and everytime I scroll through the contacts in my cell phone and run across his number I choke up and have to run and hide somewhere just in case I start bawling. I really wanted to thank Mandolyn for reassuring me that things do get better with time.

BTW - Just in case anyone else has a problem crying, I would suggest watching a sad movie. It really gets the crying jag started and once you are on a roll you can actually cry for the reasons you are actually sad about (i.e. death of a loved one).

Erinjane - I, along with my sisters, step-mother, and cousin were in the room with my father when he passed away and it is such a huge gift to be able to be there with someone you love when they take that final last breath. So as hard as it is to witness, I am also really glad for you and your grandmother that you were able to be there. My heart goes out to you and I will definitely be sending good vibes your way!!!

sidecar
(((parkaveprincess))) My brother was 20 when he died, which made him an adult but just barely, and I was 26. I had a hard time finding resources for people who had lost siblings. A book that helped me a lot was a novel, actually, by Adam Rapp, called Under the Wolf, Under the Dog. I also saw a grief counselor--two different ones. One was very helpful, one was okay but did what needed to be done. I also found a support group that I only visited a few times, but it did a lot for me to talk to others who had lost siblings.

I don't think I'll ever be able to delete his number out of my cell. I called it by accident a few weeks ago and nearly burst into tears when I got the "this number is not in service" message.
girlygirlgag
((((kcrile)))))

My Stepfather died of Pancreatic Cancer in April of 04. It was devastating.
auralpoison
(((((GGG)))))

You are one really serious, insensitive asshole, aren't you AB? I'd have like to have thought that you'd leave threads like this alone, but no. Your sick need for any kind of attention trumps your sense of decency.
luxi
I've just re-registered after being gone for months/years. (whats with always having to re-register by the way?) Anyhow, I've reintroduced myself in the newbies since it's been so long. It's great to be back.

Having someone you love die is always hard but for some reason it always seems more difficult the younger they are. Like you feel that much more cheated or something. And if that person is close to you in age there's the whole self mortality issue at hand as well. Death is part of life, that's fine, but it still sucks so matter what anyone says.

My dad committed suicide about 2 months ago. I haven't talked to anyone about it at all. I feel like if you haven't lost someone close to you yourself, then you'll have no freaking clue how it feels. I don't know if that's fair or not, but I can't stand to hear "I know how you feel" when really...that person has no experience with anything like it. That's one of the things I like about Bust, there's always another Bustie who is or has dealt with whatever issue you may be going through in your life.

My dad was diagnosed with cancer in the throat a little over a year ago. My dad had been in a work related accident about 6 years prior and hadn't been working. He had no insurance of any kind but he was in Vietnam so he received treatment at the VA Hospital for free. Treatment went fine and everything appeared to be cleared up. However because of it being in his throat, he had massive radiation treatment to his whole mouth area. He wouldn't be able to use dentures for at least a year or it would have ruined his gums and bone in his mouth. He had to have Ensure shakes pumped directly into his stomach because he couldn't barely swallow anything (not entirely true). He couldn't taste anything because of the accident from years ago. Not being able to taste, smell or even eat anything really took a toll on him.

I moved away from home about 2 years ago. I flew home for Christmas for 2 weeks and it was the first time I had been back. He had just finished his radiation treatments. A few months after that my brother told me my dad had been talking about how he wasn't going to be around that long. He had a problem with alcohol for years but it really came to a head. He went from drinking half a fifth, to an entire fifth to....whatever is the next largest bottle after a fifth, not quite sure (between a fifth and a gallon) on a DAILY basis. I decided I had to take another trip home. So I did, the day before I arrived he had a suicide attempt. I stayed for about a month and went home. My brother and I tried to get him to stop drinking and tried talking to him about things but we weren't getting anywhere. I was home a week and he killed himself. He shot himself with a shot gun in the chest. It's hard even typing it without getting teary eyed. It still seems unreal, even after the funeral and 2 months later. The cancer didn't kill him directly, the treatments went well but his mental health suffered the most. I'm angry that the doctors didn't do more even though I feel like there really wasn't anything that could have been done. It just seems fucked up to know that your patient just attempting suicide and yet the doctor doesn't even make mention of it.

My mother died from cancer when I was 12 and that was something I never really got over. It was a defining event in my life. So when my dad died, I didn't just lose my dad. I lost both of my parents. I'm so angry that I'm only 23 and both my parents are dead. I haven't graduated college yet and I have no parents. There were events in my life that I wished my mom was around for: prom, graduationg high school, going to college. Now I imagine getting married and having kids without a mom OR a dad and it just makes me so angry. Not angry at anyone or anything in particular, it just seems so unfair. I'm even mad my brother (older by 7 years) had them in his life longer than me. He has kids who at least knew their grandfather. My kids, if I ever have any, won't have that. He had financial help from my dad in buying a house: I'm all on my own. Of course I'm not angry AT my brother, nor do I think that any of this was any easier on him.

Oy, so anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I like reading other Busties experiences and knowing that even though each of our situatons are unique to us, we can still relate and support each other.

(((hugs for all)))
mandolyn
(((luxi))) i'm so sorry for your losses. i'm also staggered by your losses. that's a helluva lot of anger and grief and despair to carry inside, all alone. i very much understand not being to deal with listening to platitudes and cliches, no matter how well-meaning friends, family, therapists are. but ... i don't know. i think you should at the very least try to get it all down in writing or something. i hope you don't read this as my being holier than thou. i'm just .... worried about you.

then again, i'm a pro at pushing it all down & muddling thru. god only knows how it's manifesting itself in my behavior. so what the hell do i know?

(((Park Ave Princess))) i'm sorry about losing your sister. i lost an older sister, but i was barely a year - she was only two - so of course i don't remember her. it's been 40+ years, and my mother has only just recently starting talking to me about the details. which has explained alot, really. (why my mother and i are so close, and why she waited 9 yrs to have another child after me.)

good for you, for finding the courage to post. i hope you continue to join in.
kcrile
(((luxi))) I know what you mean about feeling angry and sad and not really knowing where to direct it. I am angry at my father for so many different reasons, one of which is for abandoning me before my wedding. I'm also mad for my younger sisters. I am 28 so at least I had a good long time to be with him, but my youngest sister is only 17. I can't even imagine dealing with that at 17. I'm sure I would be a big repressed piece of jelly because I am barely dealing with all this now and I am 11 years older.

blahhdhakdsl, I don't want to write or think about this anymore. Or at least not now. I think I'm going to go do some escapism in the kitty cat thread smile.gif
sidecar
((((luxi))))) I am so sorry for your losses.

And to you, too. GGG and kcrile. My FIL was misdiagnosed with pancreatic cancer four years ago. It is one of the worst kinds. We were lucky.
girlygirlgag
Oh luxi, I am so sorry for your loss. I hate the condolences too, though they are well intentioned. I also hate having to watch someone die, it is the most frustrating experience, especially when you are powerless to save them.

I know you are hurt, I wish I could make it go away.
ion
luxi, I hadn't thought so much about finding someone here who had a similar experience to my own, but your post left me a little astonished.

I lost my dad at the age of 23 to cancer as well. He had cancer in his jaw, and the radiation treatment left him with many of the same complications. Not being able to taste or produce saliva. Eventually, when the cancer spread, he lost his tongue. While he didn't lose his will, it was awful to see him so broken. The physical suffering of cancer is nearly impossible to explain to someone who hasn't been there. My father hadn't worked since I was eight, due to a back injury, so we too fell back on the VA.


My mom has basically been out of the picture since I was sixteen. She has a disease that is somewhat similar to Alzheimer's, and hasn't remembered who I am for a good ten years now. Her illness was diagnosed due to a suicide attempt.

When I lost my dad, I can't explain how alone I felt. Even the small group of people I knew who had lost a single parent drove me crazy with their statements of sympathy. It's hard. It has been six years for me, and it can still be hard.

I wandered over here because almost exactly a year ago, one of my closest friends died in an accident. He was one of the few people I trusted and relied on in those years when I was grieving both of my parents. His death last year brought back all those feelings of anger at everyone around me.

Like you I hadn't graduated from college when all this happened. (There's another very long complicated story about why I didn't, but it was definanty tied to the illnesses in my family) But I did finish, and I have managed to get on with the business at hand.

I'm going to hold off on any wise words, or other sentiments, because I know there is never really anything to say. If you want to just talk at length though, I'm definantly here for it.
luxi
Thank you so much for the support, I can't tell you how much that means to me.

Mandolyn, no, you don't sound holier than thou. Writing about it does make me feel better. Can't say the same thing about my cramped hand...but it's a tradeoff. smile.gif Thanks for the concern, it made me feel better. ((mandolyn))

kcrile, I think it's a really difficult thing to deal with at any age. I think 28 is still amazingly young to lose your father. Granted there's a big difference in 17 and 28 just in terms of being grounded and what not. You always hear about how long the modern US lifespan is these days, 28 is too young for such a loss. How is your sister handling things? (((kcrile and sis)))

((((ion)))) I'm sorry to hear about your parents and your friend. I know that sometimes even after years the pain can be fresh as new. Especially around anniversary type days. My mom died exactly one week before Mothers Day and my dad died 1 week and 1 day after Fathers Day, which is a little freaky. I have no experience with Alzheimers but I'd have to think that sort of loss comes with it's own intricacies. It just seems to me that at the least there would be less closure. Maybe not, I dunno. Either way, that's a horrible thing to go through and I'm glad that you had your friend for that time afterword. I've never lost a close friend but I imagine it feels like losing a family member.

(((park ave princess))) I hope you haven't gone away! I don't know any books in specific to recommend. The only suggestion I have is to talk about it. With your family, friends, a counselor...here on Bust. I really feel that talking about it helps you work out the situation better than any book. I wish I had dealt with my mothers death when it happened. I didn't have anyone I could talk to, or at least I felt I didn't have anyone to talk to. Looking back I could have found support in many people, but I wasn't comfortable doing so. Talking about death makes people uncomfortable and really...there isn't anything that can be said to change what happened or really to make you feel all that better. It is what it is. But having someone who's willing to listen to what you're feeling can make all the difference I think. It's reassuring to have someone tell you, yes, your pain is real and no, you're not crazy. I truly hope to see you posting in here again.
yuefie
((((((grieving busties))))))
yuefie
Bleh. October. sad.gif
pinksparkly
I heard some really bad news today and need some advice about what to say to someone that would be supportive.

I work at a four-month old family run cafe. The mother owns it, one son and his girlfriend (of whom I know really well) run it, two other sons have small roles in the business. The wife of one of the sons works at the cafe a few hours a week doing payroll etc. We are both pregnant, so we chat about that when she works.

The son with the pregnant wife just found out that he has brain cancer and can expect to live about nine months if next week's operation goes smoothly, three months if they do nothing. They only found out that something was wrong because he had a seizure on a business trip a few weeks ago.

I cannot imagine how devastating this must be. And I have no idea what the most supportive thing would be to say to his mother (who is one of the nicest people I have ever met), or his wife. Obviously,the wife isn't working anymore but her baby showere is supposed to be at the cafe this weekend and I am sure we will run into each other. I would feel so helpless and lost if I were in her place. Weirdly enough, being in her place was something I used to worry about a lot, because my boyfriend's father died in a freak accident nine days before his birth. It is one of the saddest situations I have ever encountered and I just feel really bad for the entire family.
girlygirlgag
Wow, Pink. That is awful. I don't think you should worry about what to say, but just be there for them. Be supportive, offer help, etc.

It is hard to deal with the reality of these shocking tragedies, so, it probably has not settled in yet.

Wow, I am speechless.
phonechick
New to this thread but not sure where to go- I haven't been on BUST in a while. However, I read it daily.
My ex husband passed away last week. I am remarried to a great man- he is awesome, he has been great about my mourning of the ex. My ex and I got a divorce 2 years ago because he was always yelling at me, the emotional abuse was incredible- everyone knew this was the reason. But the news of his passing has brought back old memories. I have spent hours crying. I am not sure what to do. I have stayed relatively close to his family. At his funeral his mother thanked me for making him so happy. I am not sure what to do. How do you get over this? Can there be closure? He owed me quite a bit of money and had never even tried to pay it off- the last message I left him on his vm was so mean, at the time it felt right to say hateful things to him. I told him to forget about paying me back and never to call me again. That was 4 months ago. What do I do? Why do i miss him , more than likely I would have never seen him again.
ms.gb
today is 7 months since fred's passing....

feels like yesterday.

ow.
girlygirlgag
(((((((mrsgb))))))))

One of the strays I feed, that lives in the woods bgehind my house, Mama cat (she has had about 3 litters of kitties, before we caught her to have her spayed) died on our porch yesterday.
ms.gb
(((mama kitty)))

i'm sorry ggg.....
momo
((phonechick) (ggg))

last of my grandparents, and second of two rad grandmas in as many months. i thought i would be more ready for this.
raisingirl
There was a death in the family over the weekend. She was old and ill and suffering, but it doesn't make the pain on the living any easier to take. I'm not so good with the death thing.
mandolyn
(((raisin))) just do what you can do. be there as much as you can. you don't even have to say anything.

this is such a hard time for some many people. the wounds seem so fresh, don't they?
raisingirl
Mando, you are so right, you don't even have to say anything. I think it's important to just be there for the other grieving family members. It's good just to be there and hug them and not worry about if I'm saying the right thing.
anna k
I miss spending Christmas at my Grandpa's house. Every year we would go to my Grandpa's house on Christmas Eve, where we'd listen to Sinatra, Nat King Cole, and Manheim Steamroller's Christmas album. We ate Italian food, opened presents together and it always felt so warm and comfortable, and I liked lounging in front of the TV eating candies and watching TV Christmas specials. I liked the coziness, talking to my stepgrandmother's daughter (whose birth name was Nancy, but everyone called her Nina), who worked as a CGI animator for cartoons and movies, the one I remember best being Joe's Apartment, about a guy whose apartment is overrun with talking roaches. I like seeing old pictures of us gathered on the couch in my grandpa's house, seeing their little plastic tree lit up, looking at the nametags of presents, and even finding a wrapped-up box of dog biscuits for our dog, who would sniff and paw at the box when we presented it to him.

The last time we had this time, it was 2004. My grandpa died of lung cancer in June of 2005, and his widow sold the house and moved to Florida. We spent Christmas 2005 with my grandma (she and my grandpa had divorced in the 1970s), and for Christmas 2006 my aunt had us spent Christmas with her new husband and his family, which was a nice gesture, but I had only met his family six months earlier, and didn't really feel very comfortable amongst strangers.

Now I'm going to spend Christmas in Raleigh with my family, and stay down for New Year's to keep my sister company (she doesn't have anyone her own age to hang out with down there). I'm growing up, and Christmas will always be different, now that my Grandpa is gone and the consecutive Christmases at his house has ended.
kes
My stepfather had a massive stroke halloween night, hes curled up in a ball unable to do anything for himself. He is coming home from the nursing home the end of his week to basically die in what comfort he can find from being home. Its soo awful to watch someone die, and to almost wish them death just to see the suffering end.
girlygirlgag
QUOTE(kes @ Nov 15 2007, 05:33 AM) *
My stepfather had a massive stroke halloween night, hes curled up in a ball unable to do anything for himself. He is coming home from the nursing home the end of his week to basically die in what comfort he can find from being home. Its soo awful to watch someone die, and to almost wish them death just to see the suffering end.



I know what you are going through. Stay strong and pray for a safe passage for him from this world into the next. I am so sorry for your pain.
auralpoison
Aw, Kes. ((((((((((Kes)))))))))) I also know what you're going through. Hang in there. This part is hard & it sucks, but you & your family will survive it. I'll be thinking of you & yours.
kaylafresh
Phonechick,
You still had a life with this man, I can understand why your grieving. My cousin passed away two years ago and I had not seen him in a long time (he was a runaway). But I went through a terrible depression over it. I would see if you can go to Compassionate Friends or another support group. As far as leaving him that VM - you need to let yourself off the hook. You did nothing wrong, it's what the situation called for at the time.
silverhalide
I feel all of you gals. I lost my mother a little over a year ago and I miss her everyday. She died from a brain tumor and was sick for almost two years. I helped care for her. It was such a difficult disease. There are so many things that are just hard to erase from my memory that I saw her go through. I am only 27. I wish I had more people to talk to who have lost a parent, so if anyone ever feels like chatting about it drop me a buzz. Not only was losing her hard, but all the results of caregiving. My Dad couldn't really work, so he got thrown into all these money problems after she died. As if losing the person isn't enough. Things are so different without her, my mother was very close to me. She was like a best friend to me in a lot of ways.
missladyj
I just found out yesterday that a friend of mine died from cervical cancer. She was only 36. I am alternating between sadness, anger that she should didnt have to die. If only I had suggested she stop all the holisitic crap and just have a loop excesion to remove the damaged cells.

At least she is not suffering anymore and is at piece. The service is saturday. The sadness is just exhausting me.
auralpoison
Well, I pulled the plug on my mom today. It sucked. I never anticipated having to do that.

She had a massive heart attack during the night. We found her with no pulse, her lips were blue, & there was a trickle of dried blood next to her mouth. The EMTs brought her back, but she'd been dead so long that she wasn't coming back.

I don't know what I am to do. I haven't slept in more than twenty-four hours, but I am too keyed up to catch any shut-eye. At least I've cried myself out.

I feel so guilty. I've done nothing but bitch & moan on Bust about having to come home & do this, but I never really thought she'd die.

I guess all I can do is be glad that we had the last three weeks. It's the longest time we've gone without fighting like two cats in a sack. For that I am thankful.
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