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kiss_the_fiddler
Lindsey,

It is hard when it seems like everyone around you is pregnant or has a baby when that's the one thing you don't have. For awhile there, I thought it was so unfair. My sisters were pregnant and having kids (one of them is pregnant with her third unplanned baby that she's unable to care for). Wives of the guys on my fire department kept popping out kids. Yes, it made me mad. I felt hurt, not really by them, but by circumstance. It was hard when people kept asking me how the whole fertility thing was coming along. They'd have all the answers and make what I thought were stupid suggestions over and over again. "Why don't you just adopt?" Gees, if I could have a dollar for every time someone said that to my, I'd have a college fund. So yes, it is hard. I understand that. Feel free to come here and vent or cry and scream or say whatever you need to say anytime.

fiddler
beck
the thing i find hard is that now we have been together for awhile (a bit over 4 years) and have bought a home, progressing in our careers etc, people start to think about babies...our friends and parents are dropping hints etc. But I don't really want them all privy to everything that is going on with my body, so I have to just smile and say something vague.

One particular friend has recently had a child, and I know they tried for some time before getting pg, and they must've had their fair share of comments. But now she has a baby she's forgotten all that, and she was being pretty heavy-handed with the hints, then when I did get pg she noticed the not-drinking straight away and was really fishing for information. We didn't want to tell people till 12 weeks if we could avoid it, and I'm glad we didn't because I m/c at 9 1/2 weeks. Recently she was sort of digging again and I told her (nicely) to back off, and that when there was something to tell her, I would. Such a relief, although even sharing that much bugged me a little as it made it clear that we are trying and it hasn't worked out for us yet - I really don't want all my friends speculating on my sex life, ovaries, suggesting their patent techniques for getting knocked up etc! I do have a couple of friends I can talk to about it, but I prefer it in here.

Plus, I feel like, even if there is nothing wrong with you it is normal not to get pg straightaway (although I would go for instant gratification if I could) - there's only one egg each month and when you look at it that way, a year is only 12 tries. I don't want to label my normal (if frustrating) process of trying for a baby as infertility until there really is a problem, ditto the miscarriages - sad, but normal. That's the reason I also am not keen on charting and stuff until I have tried for longer, it seems to me like it is pathologising a natural process in the same way that childbirth has become so medicalised. Not to mention taking all the fun out of it.

I'm not criticising medical intervention at all - I know a lot of people here have got medical issues that are making it difficult for them to become pregnant or to sustain a pregnancy, and I am all for doing whatever it takes in those circumstances. I am just concerned to not start thinking of my own body as somehow defective or faulty when it is just doing its job. Although it is easier said than done sometimes. I hope this post makes sense, it all seems clear in my head but less so on paper.

beck
look at me rambling away! i'm a motormouth even on the internets. signing off for the holidays now, happy christmas wishes to all in here, fiddler, I hope your holidays are awesome and you get lots of pampering and a great meal. Lindsey, have lots of fun over the break (((hugs to all, avec ou sans bumps)))
Lindsey
Thanks Beck! Hope you have a very Merry Christmas! I just need to vent. My husbands birthday is the 23 of December. Tonight we are having friends over to party a little and a friend of mine who is now about 13 weeks pregnant called me to tell me that they wouldn't be able to make it and to complain about how awful being pregnant is and she wouldn't wish a pregnancy on me and I can't even go to work and is this all worth it, yadahyadahyadah!!! I was trying to be supportive and trying to stay positive for her sake because ya I do understand that being pregnant is hard on a lot of people but she knows we have been trying and she knows that I want a baby more then anything. I was ready to freak the fuck out! (don't mind my words) This partictular friend and her husband had tried for a little over a year to get pregnant and you would think that once she got pregnant she would be happy and upbeat about things but no... I hear the complaining! And it's not like she is complaining to her mom or sister or a friend who has kids she chooses me out of all people the one who would give up so much to have a baby! I just am feeling bitter. All my friends are having babies and starting families and I just want to as well. I don't want to be the last one out there to have children. AHHHHH!
beck
oh poor you, that's so insensitive of her. i can understand your need to vent - it would be bad enough if she didn't realise, but to say it knowing full well how much you want it!! Hopefully when she is feeling better she will realise what a crass thing that was to say to you.
Lindsey
Hey Beck! How is everything going? Hope you got lots of action over the holidays and hope it leads to the thing we want most!
beck
hehe i got tons of action, it was great!! i've got my fingers crossed, will test on Monday if my period doesn't come by then...

i've got to the point now though where i'm excited for it to happen whether it's this month or another, rather than feeling like it will be a blow if it doesn't right away. thinking of maybe applying for different jobs if it takes awhile, i've taken my eye off the ball work-wise lately but am ready for a new job. trying to focus on all the other things in my life, and trusting that when my body's ready it will happen.

anyway, enough of me, how are you?

Lindsey
QUOTE(beck @ Jan 4 2008, 03:39 AM) *
hehe i got tons of action, it was great!! i've got my fingers crossed, will test on Monday if my period doesn't come by then...

i've got to the point now though where i'm excited for it to happen whether it's this month or another, rather than feeling like it will be a blow if it doesn't right away. thinking of maybe applying for different jobs if it takes awhile, i've taken my eye off the ball work-wise lately but am ready for a new job. trying to focus on all the other things in my life, and trusting that when my body's ready it will happen.

anyway, enough of me, how are you?

Good to hear. and Good luck to ya. What do you do for work? And what do you want to do now? I have been considering applying for a different job as well. As for the baby trying we have decided to stop trying right now. We are also not doing anything to prevent it but not trying for it. I have become a little bit obessive with the whole process. Hope things go well for you!
beck
hey lindsey, sounds like a smart move, i think that takes the pressure off a lot, and if you are happy in the rest of your life that has to put you in a better position for a happy and healthy pregnancy when it happens for you. it's so easy to get really focused on the whole process and distracted from other stuff.

i work in govt, am not planning on leaving the field but just making a move sideways into a more interesting area of policy, and have been thinking about my career progression in the medium/longer term too - it's a good area to be in and there are lots of opportunities, I just need to be proactive in finding them and making the most of them rather than procrastinating. In fact, one thing I need to do is cut down my internet time at work, so might be spending less time around here in the week!



konphusion26
Anyone in here been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome?? Or some other hormonal issue?
Lindsey
We have come to find that we can not not try. We have talked it over again and both decided we need still need to try and hope for the best. We just need to learn not to stress about it. (Or I need to not stress about it.) I know it will happen when it happens. My body will do what it needs to do when it is ready. I am trying to not be obessive about it. Good luck to us all and sticky baby dust to everyone!
deschatsrouge
QUOTE(konphusion26 @ Jan 9 2008, 02:40 AM) *
Anyone in here been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome?? Or some other hormonal issue?


I have it Kon and I think Polly does too. we sometimes talk about it in the Bloody grrls room.
Lindsey
I was due the 17 of Jan. and still no aunt flow! Keeping my fingers crossed. Holding out on taking a test till Monday. Don't want to waste money if af happens to show up before then.
beck
Good luck Lindsey! ((sending you baby vibes))
konphusion26
QUOTE(deschatsrouge @ Jan 16 2008, 03:12 PM) *
I have it Kon and I think Polly does too. we sometimes talk about it in the Bloody grrls room.

The doctors told me a few years ago that I had all the symptoms but they found no cysts. I've been looking into insulin resistance/glucose intolerance and perimenopause. Since the doctors cant tell me the reason why I have these problems I'm trying to search based on my symptoms. I'll try the other thread. Thanks a million!
Lindsey
Still no aunt flow but I am too nervous to take the test. I went and bought some this morning but I just keep thinking I am only going to get 1 line instead of two!
beck
ooh exciting! take it first thing or if not, hold off peeing for 3 or 4 hours so the hormone is concentrated. Good luck.
Lindsey
I took the test and it came out negative??? CONFUSED! I am a week late. I am going to schedule a blood test if my period doesn't show up. I don't know if I should just make it for Thursday, Friday or Monday. I just know how expensive labs are. I have insurance but I still end up paying over $100.00 everytime I go to the doctors. AHHH this waiting game sucks. I have a 38 day cycle with a Lp of 16 days. So today is day 45!!! I am going crazy!
beck
Good luck ((Lindsey))
Lindsey
Going in for a blood test today! Keeping my fingers crossed. I am 9 days late. And 46 days out from my lmp.
kiss_the_fiddler
I'm keeping everything crossed for you, Lindsey.

fiddler
Lindsey
Thanks Beck and Fiddler! I had my blood drawn this morning but won't get the results back till Monday since they will all be out of the office. ARRG!
Lindsey
I got my results back today and the test was negative. sad.gif They told me if my period doesn't come by Friday to retest. I am just so confused. I am now on cycle day 50! This is way outta wack! AHHHH!
kiss_the_fiddler
Oh, shoot, Lindsey. I'm sorry. Maybe your cycle is still recovering from last time. I know this sucks for you. I wish I could make it better.

fiddler
beck
i'm sorry Lindsey, i know how that feels.
Lindsey
Thanks girls. Your support has been eaten up by me. If anything new happens I will keep you both posted. sad.gif
Lindsey
.
kiss_the_fiddler
Lindsey,

You're just having a helluva time, aren't you? Gees! Now not fair! I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I'm glad you can come here for support.

fiddler
Lindsey
Thanks everyonr for your support. I am going back in a Thursday to see when and if they are going in foe surgery. I am scared, worried, frustrated. and mad about the whole situation. I keep wondering what it is that I have done wrong? To get excited in Dec and have af come and now. I just don't understand....
kiss_the_fiddler
Lindsey,
It's not your fault! It's nothing about who you are. It has nothing to do with your value as a woman or as a person. Bottom line - it's darn hard. I hope you don't beat yourself up for what is happening. Please don't blame yourself. I know that it's hard. I know that it's not something that many people don't understand and don't know how to respond to. I know it's frustrating and I'm sorry. I don't want to say that I know exactly how you're feeling but I bet I have some idea. For me, the TTC journey turned out to be much longer, harder, more painful, and more frustrating than I ever imagined it would be. I hope you reach out for help when you need it, however often that is. I'm here for you.

fiddler
Lindsey
I am going through so many different emotions. At first I was scared, then I became really sad, then pissed off and so mad at the world (god, myself, friends who are pregnant, people who aren't trying to get pregnant and end up pregnant and are mad that they are), then I felt guilty like I did something wrong. Now I am just so confused. I want this so badly. I know you understand how I am feeling Fiddler, and I don't know how you coped with it. My hubby has a really had time with it. He says it is another death and he doesn't know what to do or how to handle it. Both of my husbands parents, his grandmother, my grandmother and 3 friends have passed within the last 4 years. I just thank you for helping me through this.
beck
Oh Lindsey, I wish i knew what to say. I totally understand the feeling mad at everyone, it's so hard to see people taking something for granted that you want so much and it sounds like you have been through so much already this past few years.

I know it's hard, keep hold of the thought that it will happen for you.

I have been thinking of you and will be rooting for it to be OK for you tomorrow, if you feel able then log on and let us know how it went.
beck
any news Lindsey? I guess it's Thursday here before it is where you are...
thinking of you, and sending you healthy-fallopian-tubes-and no-need-for-surgery vibes

hope you're OK
Lindsey
No surgery! (for now at least) They put me on a few meds that will help push everything out of my body. They pregnancy didn't grow in the tube. With the cyst they are just going to monitor it and see if it will go away. So extra relieved right now. Still upset but glad that it isn't worse. To top things off my ob told me I have a yeast infection. Great, just great. Thanks for all your support Beck and Fiddler! I really appreciate it.
kiss_the_fiddler
Lindsey,

i'm confused. did you have a pregnancy? where did it grow? i'm glad your tubes are okay.

re: ovarian cysts, they suck! and, when they rupture, they hurt like hell! i'm sorry you're having to go through this.

re: the grieving - I'm not ignoring you, i'm thinking. I have lots to say but I want it to make sense and if I try to say it now, it won't make sense.

fiddler
roseviolet
[delurk]
((((((((Lindsey))))))))))))))

Just wanted to say that, yes, ruptured ovarian cysts suck so damn much. I've had 4 (none recently, knock on wood). Definitely the most painful experience of my life. Even surgery for my endometriosis was not as horrible as some of those ruptured cysts.
[relurk]
Lindsey
Fiddler,

There was a pregnancy. I have started a few medications that are making me have my period. They can do a few different things when there is an ectopic pregnancy. Some will resolve themselves without any kind of treatment. If it is life-threatening then they will do an emergency surgery and depending on how the surgery is done they will either take out the whole ovary, fallopian tube and the fetus or they can give you an oral medication that (I hate to say it) basically aborts the fetus. I have started bleeding and it has been heavy and there is small chunks in it (probably tissue). It is really weird. But there really isn't too much of it. I am hoping that the cyst will just go away. I will go back in in a few weeks and see where the cyst is at. Keeping my fingers crossed. And with the whole greiving thing... Sometimes I just need to get it all out and then I feel soooo much better. I don't think you are ignoring me. I am just greatful for everyones support. Thanks!

Roseviolet,

I have heard that they are not pleasent. Hope you don't have to go through that again. Thanks for the input hun!
beck
Hi lindsey, I am so sorry that this happened for you but really relieved and glad to hear that you haven't needed surgery. i am thinking of you and rooting for a speedy recovery for you.
Lindsey
Thanks Beck! I am accually feeling really well. I am having cramping but not too bad. I am just waiting for my cycle to be back to normal and waiting for the go ahead from the dr on trying again. I am now just trying on focusing on the positive things and not the negative. I am just so glad that it wasn't any worse. I mean I am still alive, I still have my husband, I am still raising a "child" (hubby's younger brother) I still have the rest of my family, I still have my career and I can work through all of this and keep my mind off of it, after all I do love what I do. I can come on here and express my feelings and get support and not feel stupid. I go into the pregnancy fourm and read what is going on with everyone and see that I too will one day experience all of the things everone is experiencing and I give all my pregnant friends advice. (They think I am so smart... hee.. thanks bust girls). This could just be my feeling for the day but I think it is a pretty good feeling to have and I am going to try to stay this way. (Sorry if that doesn't make sense).

So all in all, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT AND ADVICE BECK, FIDDLER, AND ANYONE ELSE WHO HAS HELPED ME! IT IS GREATLY APPRECIATED!
beck
hey that's great, take really good care of yourself
kiss_the_fiddler
Lindsey,

I've been thinking about you. How are you doing? I hope you're being patient with yourself in your process. Grieving, no matter what the loss, looks different for everyone. It takes time. Yes, there are stages of grief, but they don't follow neatly all in a row. You visit them in random and rollercoaster like order until you're ready to move on. There's a nice resource at www.pregnancy.org. It's there in the community tab in the bulletin boards. It's under grief and loss. The women there are very supportive and welcoming.


I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

fiddler
Lindsey
I am doing really well. I am suprised. I was on a couple different meds that made me bleed. It was weird because I bleed for 4 days (there was lots of tissue in it) and then I started bleeding again and have been bleeding for 3 days now. (but the last 3 days have been more like my period) I am hoping that the cyst is going down/away. I talked to my dr. and they said since I started bleeding again they want me to wait 2 weeks from the 15 and then go have another ultrasound.

I am emotional at times but all in all, I feel pretty well. So hopefully we will get the ok, go ahead and try after this cycle. *fingers crossed*
Lindsey
I am going back into the doctor soon. Hopefully everything is back to normal and we will get the go ahead and try. It has been weird having to prevent pregnancy. (I know I haven't ovulated this cycle yet, nut anything is possible.) Hope everyone is doing well.
beck
good luck lindsey, keep us posted. thinking of you
Lindsey
Cyst is gone! Dr. gave permission to go ahead and try. We have talked about it and have decided that we are just going to let nature take it's coarse. We are not going to stop trying but also not going to try. Does that make sense? We decided that we want to go to Hawaii later this year and are hoping that it might just happen when we are there. We have guardianship of my hubby's little brother and he turns 18 this year. So we are hoping that he will want to move out on his own and then we will bring in a little one. Hope everyone is doing well.
beck
that's good news, glad to hear it. sounds a smart choice about trying as well, i think it will be more fun that way too. hawaii sounds great, and it sounds as if you and hubby are both in a good place. he sounds like a great guy.
Lindsey
I am wondering if I may be pregnant. I had to stay home sick from work today. I am a few days late but haven't taken a test yet. I know that my cycle probably isn't back to normal yet and I haven't been obsessive about the trying. I am going try to wait a day or two more before I take a test.
kiss_the_fiddler
Oh! I'm keeping everything crossed for you!
fiddler
Lindsey
I couldn't wait to take a test. I have a very faint positive!
kiss_the_fiddler
Woo-hoo!!!!!!!!!!

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