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i_am_jan
shiny: thanks girl ... i'm glad you are here too, your clear head is so necessary

hugs out to all

and

peace
i_am_jan
QUOTE(i_am_jan @ Aug 7 2007, 05:19 AM) *
shiny: thanks girl ... i'm glad you are here too, your clear head is so necessary

hugs out to all

and

peace
datagirl
Ugh,I've been feeling a bit sick today.I wish there were no reminders.The father called on Saturday night and still wants to be friends!! He balked when I asked him to pay for half and to be honest I don't think I'll ever see the money.He's also a blatant liar as he said that he'd support me 'in every way' I never believed him though.It's the principle.He gets off scott free and that pisses me off no end.
I just hate this.Why can't he be fucking well responsible?? I really hurt him with what I said on the phone to him though.I was satisfied with that.
I've really gone off men and there will definately be trust issues with the next one,if there is another one.And I'm really hating being a woman which just makes me feel like crap.I'm a feminist so this is hard to come to terms with.
I really don't need this right now,but I'll feel really weak if I don't push it.I'm so tired and I got 2 speeding fines this week so thats a total of $160 (aus) in fines.Plus 6 demerit points off my licence.Three more and I'll lose it completely.I was only doing 10km over the speed limit too.
I know this post is a major vent.But I really needed to do this.
I'm just trying to get through the week and I nearly have.I'm proud that I went to work everyday this week and that I only cried once in the toilets.
I'm just pushing the emotions down because I have to.
datagirl
So tonight is my last night of being pregnant.I'm scared and worried and a million things are running through my head.My mum will come with me tomorrow for support and also to drive me home.She made some home made chicken soup that I had over at her place today for lunch so she insisted that I take some home with me to eat tomorrow if I feel like it.Just simple kindnesses like that.Like my mum and I are in a sort of preparation for this.I've picked up some pain killers,cleaned the apartment and I have fresh sheets on my bed.Just to make it as comfortable as possible despite the situation.

I was playing the piano the other night and another thought occured.When do we get a soul?I started crying and had to stop.These thoughts appear when I play.I think it's because my mind just 'is' at that moment.Like meditation.These thoughts won't change my mind though.They just sneak up on me by surprise sometimes.
I will have the termination tomorrow morning.I will recover.It doesn't make it any easier though.I just feel so sad right now.Depressed.I don't want to talk to anyone about this tonight because I'll freak out and get too emotional.As I said,I need to be grounded tonight.
The father sent me a message saying that he's trying really hard to get the money together.I don't know.I guess time will tell.
pollystyrene
((Datagirl))
shinyx3
data, you are strong! you will get through this! keep up posted and let us know how you are doing. ok.
(((data))))
datagirl
Thanks (((shinyx3 and Pollystyrene))).

It's over.I'm so relieved.I'm doing fine and I'm not in any pain at all.
The level of care I was given was fantastic.The doctors and nurses who do this every day should be awarded.They are true saints.
The actual procedure I don't remember at all as I was completely out cold.I was talking to the aneathatist (wrong spelling) about being a muso and what kind of music I was into as she was administering the aneasthetic and then I wake up in recovery with an oxygen mask over my mouth and it was all over.The worst part was the anesthetic.It made me feel like I had a hangover and I did throw up a couple of times.
But over all I don't feel any different.I feel guilty for not feeling more emotional instead of feeling relieved though.I did make the right decision and I'll hopefully never have to make it again.
mornington
((((((datagirl))))))
phobia
(((((datagirl))))

FWIW, I don't think there's any "right" or "wrong" way to feel. Glad you're feeling ok.
samiam
Datagirl -- I am right there with you. You made the right decision, although it is going to feel, at times, like the worst possible idea. I went through this in June. It sucks. Today I had a meeting with a coworker who is pregnant and due around the same time I would have been. She is so excited and ready. I never told her what was going on. Seeing pregnant woman and babies is hard sometime.

You are amazing! He is a prick!
shinyx3
data, so glad you are doing ok! strong women can make it though just about anything!
datagirl
Thankyou. ((((Mornington,Phobia,Samian,Shinyx3)))
I really appreciate this thread.It's absolutely essential.
Sometimes I'll catch my thoughts.Usually it's how people who haven't gone through this would judge me if they knew.I can only associate with people who are pro-choice now.I couldn't handle someone telling me what I did yesterday was murder which is just a ludicrous suggestion.But am I now tarnished by some evil brush? Yet my best friend had one,my sister has had two, even my grandma had one and that was over 60 years ago.That's the reality and yesterday my mother and I sat in that waiting room area and noticed all the other women of all different backgrounds there for the exact same reason as myself.While I was having the precdure done,mum said she noticed at least seven to eight women all of various ages walk through those doors with their partners,friends or family.
Alot of people would say that it's a problem that so many women are seeking terminations.I don't think so at all.The clinic I went to is an absolute neccesity.Why these women (like myself) are seeking abortions is no ones business but their's.But it's hard to keep up this thought process.I just think of all the women who have had terminations and this forms the clarity that I need in my head right now.
pepper
i'd like to think, now that i Have children, that i'd never have another abortion but who's to say. now that i DO have kids though and i know what it means to be responsible for them, my circumstances at the time might bring me to the decision that it was the right thing to do. it isn't something to be taken lightly (for me), either way. i've never regretted my decisions (either way) but i can see how it happens, regret i mean. it's such a hard choice but you SURE don't want to have children that you don't actually want, that's worse than anything else in my opinion. they need so much from you, you Have to be ready.

but, OH! would it Ever be so damn hard now! way more difficult than at 17 and 20. it makes it worth it to me to always take great care with safe sex. for me the trauma of having to go through that again would be WAY harder to deal with than an std. way harder.

when do we get a soul? what you think about that depends on your entire philosophy about that kind of thing. i felt my first childs soul enter my body right away, with the seed came the soul. i know what i felt, i knew i was pregnant and that i was going to have that baby right from that moment. but does that matter? can you kill a soul? kinda negates the whole idea of soul doesn't it? if that's true than all of our souls die when we die and that i just don't believe. the soul, soul energy, universal consciousness, it's eternal. no matter what happens to our bodies the soul travels on. pregnancies that are terminated were never meant to go on, if they were Meant to go on they Would have gone on. just like everything else in life i think a pregnancy can be a teaching experience that has nothing to do with the creation of another human being. the lesson is vital, whatever that lesson may be. regret can be a lesson as well, one that has less to do with the creation of a human being than it does with a response to trauma, making choices or whatever.
there are no Wrong decisions, just choices that are right for us as individuals at the time.
samiam
As for when the "soul" enters the child, or if it is "killed," I have a ferw thoughts. I think that it was St. Thomas Aquinas who forwarded the idea of the "Recycling of souls." I may be wrong about who it was, but I have always liked the idea. This is, of course, not a new thought. There are many belief systems that suppose that our "souls" (essence, being, whatever) are all part of a universal pool of energy that can neither be created nor destroyed. Who knows.

When I had the abortion 9 years ago, both the guy involved and I, 1000 miles apart from eachother and not talking, had gut-wrenching dreams the night before. He dreamt that he was giving a tour of every recurring dream and nightmare that he had ever had. He said he kept waking up from the nightmares, and then falling asleep again to start over. I had vivid, heated nightmares that night that culminated in a wicked bout of painful nausea and diarrhea when I couldn't even find the bathroom easily. Emotion welled out of me uncontrollably that night. Wierd.

I thought that I would never have another abortion, especially at 31, with a job, etc. But, there I was, pregnant by indeterminate partner, and not at all ready to have a child. I still am holding out hope that I can have it all -- marriage, family, a stable life.
zelda
***delurking***

there are some pretty brave girls in here.

just wanted to mention this book. i got it for my roommate years ago after her abortion. she was having some sadness afterwards...not really regret, just sadness. it's called "the healing choice" and she said it was so good and helpful. it's got a pretty neutral-leaning-towards-pro-choice attitude...it's mostly just for working through the feelings you may be having after an abortion.

just thought i would mention it because my roomie said she really liked it.

http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Choice-Emoti...4433&sr=1-1


datagirl
Hi Guys,
Pepper, what you said about the soul was just beautiful.When you think about it that's what a soul IS.No real beginning or ending.Sometimes the guilt can override that clarity though.

I'm doing ok so far.I think I'm alone too much which isn't great.
I do have bouts of sadness but I can function.I'm back to work tomorrow and I usually have to act happy so I'm not sure how that will go.
The sadness really culminates from the guilt.I just feel really sad for the being that was never wanted or planned.I just stuff it down in my line of thoughts and try not to cry.If I start to cry I'm scared that I may not be able to stop for a while.I'm just preventing the depression which may get out of hand if I don't think logically. I know this is unhealthy and I have the number for a post abortion councellor that I'll phone.I didn't think I'd need it but Im glad it's there.
pepper
datagirl (and everyone else actually), i'm going to ask you a question. if this was your girlfriend's experience would you be telling her to be strong, stuff her feelings down, not cry, tough it out and act happy? if your answer to this is "no" then perhaps you could ask yourself why you expect that of you? this is my big trick for getting things into perspective, if it wouldn't be good enough for someone that i care for than it sure shouldn't be good enough for ME. funny how that changes thing hey?

you don't have to be so tough you know. the sadness is good, tears are the river of life, they wash away grief and cleanse the soul. your feelings are the center of your universe, they're there for a reason, a good one. ignoring them refutes you, your purpose, important lessons. give yourself a break and allow yourself time to feel, to heal, to accept and embrace the experience and all that it means to you. regret is an attempt to travel back in time, it's impossible, futile. move forward, learn what there is to learn even if all there is to learn is to be more accepting and gentle with yourself.

remember that pregnancy, even very early pregnancy is an extemely hormonal time. if your sadness seems irrational at times it may very well be just that. it's a double whammy, the hormones can make you absolutely shakey and your mind can compound it.
take time to pamper yourself, curl up in bed and have a good cry, talk to someone who will listen, talk to someone who loves you and will give you a lot of hugs and make you tea. be nice to yourself, do some drawing, journal, and be grateful that you have such an enormous range of feelings because they are a GIFT.

it can help in times of grief and struggle to go out and do some volunteer work. i know that may seem energetically and emotionally impossible and i certainly don't mean it in terms of seeing how much worse off someone else can be to make you forget about your own pain. i mean getting in touch with that selfless, gracious, giving energy can be very healing not only for the people whose lives you touch, but for yourself as well.

take care.
anarch
(((datagirl)))

on souls -
I remember reading about a woman who'd had an abortion years before, and then had a child. When the child was 3 (or something) she one day said, out of the blue, in the middle of playing, something like "I was here before, but it wasn't the right time so I went back for a while."

I think this was in the book Our Bodies, Ourselves. I read it like 10 years ago so I may be wrong. That one story made a deep impression on me though. Anybody else remember it?

Loving this thread. Such strength and courage, all of you.
i_am_jan
Okay a little comic relief (har, har) ...

(sorry but you do have to cut & paste the link, I couldn't do a click-on link)

Here it is:

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/woman...y_giant_uterine

*PEACE OUT ALL*



amazonprincess
(((all the brave women here)))


I think it was "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom" by Christiane Northrup. That story helped me get through mine, which I will be ready to share here one of these days.
anarch
Thanks for the correction, amazonprincess. I'll have to go read it again to refresh my memory.
I'll be sharing mine here too sometime.
amazonprincess
Today is the anniversary. 4 years ago. I was 25 and just starting grad school. It's less painful now to think about but what a process it has been to heal. It's still hard to say the word though. I thought by 25 I would be "ready". I was in a steady, but not all that healthy of a relationship. I had discontinued bcps and misunderstood when i was fertile. I didn't even know that I could get pregnant due to a history of endometriosis. I tried to make the most well thought out decision I could thanks to the counsel of my mother. I went home for a week, discussed it with several family members, had full support of my family for whatever decision I made. How lucky I am to have that, and will be forever grateful. My boyfriend did not want children. I was not ready, though I had thought all the way through to how I would arrange my finals around the due date. I decided to choose to terminate. I went alone to my appt (had to beg the bf to take 1/2 a day off to pick me up) I had it done by a doctor, in the outpatient wing of the hospital. One of the first things the nurse said to me was, "don't worry, everyone here is ok with this, they're screened". When I think about it, it could not have gone better in many ways. Except they didn't give me enough valium or painkillers. I remember the whole thing and all the pain. I remember screaming and trying to calm myself with some yoga chants. I remember sort of feeling like I deserved that pain, actually the thought has crossed my mind over the years. When it was over, bf finally picked me up and took me home.
I also ended up with an infection, which didn't last long but still. When I went back to class the next we were studying pregnancy.
The first time I went back to the dr's office for an appt I nearly had a panic attack. Almost like PTSD. Actually I had several PTSD-like symptoms (once I learned what they were). Though I truly believe what I read in Dr Northrup's book, I felt like I had lost a piece of my soul. I stayed with the same boyfriend for almost 4 more years. In that time he continued to indicate he didn't want children, and then give me just a little to keep me going. Our sex life died. I can pinpoint its rapid demise to that day 4 years ago. though, it took me a long time to admit it.
I am wholeheartedly pro choice and will always be, however I don't think I could do it again.
I went to a NARAL meeting and couldn't eat when the political candidate there to speak with us said that he strongly objects when people say that women shouldn't use abortion as birth control or that they make that decision arbitrarily. He said that he knew that it is one of the toughest most soul wrenching decisions a woman has to make. I nearly burst into tears. This was two years later.
I finally left that boyfriend 6 months ago. In that time much healing occurred. I didn't realize how angry I was with him, how seeing him every day was reopening that wound for me. I have worked on the anger through both counseling and expressing it to him. Because he continued to go back and forth it kept me in limbo, and no wonder I didn't want to have sex with him since it had led to the worst experience of my life and he was so insensitive about it. Since I've been on my own I have been able to let so much go. I can actually write about it now, talk about it (in appropriate forums). And I have found that I don't in fact have some kind of sexual dysfunction as I'm now enjoying a rockin' sex life with a man who eventually does want children.

This thread has been so helpful. It's amazing how when you're going through this, you find so many other women who have done the same. We need to talk more, be more open. We do not have to be ashamed.
anarch
amazonprincess, you sound like you've worked through so much. Good for you, for leaving that bf, finding one who's right for you, and coming to terms with the whole thing enough to share your story. Man, when I think of how up to the late 19th century it was perfectly normal for women in the US/Canada to abort before "quickening" (feeling movement in the womb, which usually happens during the 2nd trimester), and now in 21st century America it's practically unmentionable, unless you know the views of the people you're with...

We need to talk more, be more open. We do not have to be ashamed.


Just wanted to repeat that, for truth.
yuefie
Wow. I had no idea this thread existed until tonight. I just finished reading through and I just have to say how great it is that you decided to begin this thread and share your story, Jan.

And much love to all of you ladies who have posted and shared your own stories. It's also nice to see those of you who've posted just to show support.

((((((Busties))))))

Now I must go find some tissue to wipe away these tears...
bunnyfluf
hi... i'm preparing for my first (and hopefully only) abortion in a couple of weeks. i'm planning to go the RU-486 route as well, as it seemed less invasive. i would have preferred to have it sooner, but i have an appointment for a colpo next week, and the dr. thought i should wait 'til after for the 'procedure.' you see, the same boy who gave me this embryo also likely gave me hpv. and he's not even my boyfriend or anything. he's just a friend who was there for me during a very difficult time in my life, and things got a little mixed up. i feel so stupid, and like i deserve this. i should have had the willpower to abstain from sex with him, even tho he was so comforting when i needed him. i haven't told him, and don't plan on it either. there hasn't been any doubt in my mind as to whether i should keep it, as i'm not in a stable place and have enough to deal with due to the aforementioned difficult times, nor do i want a family with this man. i've been hoping for a miscarriage too, and have been researching herbally induced abortions. unfortunately, they aren't reliable, so i have to have the medically approved method as a backup. i feel so lost and numb and have accepted that this is my due. i will carry on, but it will always be in the back of my mind. this whole week i've gone through with my normal routine, interacting with people as expected, but with the stream of thoughts associated with this running as a constant dialogue in the background. a weird silver lining is that i think this has finally given me the strength to be more selfish and put myself first and foremost more often. i've done things for others at great expense to myself for too long, including the previous relationship where i almost lost my identity... *sigh* i'm just so exhausted and don't know what state i'll be in when 'the day' finally arrives.

oh, and i haven't told anyone else besides the dr., so thank you for letting me vent.......
pepper
" i feel so stupid, and like i deserve this"

omg girl, throw that crap away! do you think any of us are stupid and deserve that? i know you don't so why oh why would you go and put that on yourself? let it go sweet girl. life happens to all of us. take the lesson, it's a gift, but pass on by that self destructive trap. you deserve support and a hug.
shinyx3
(((bunnyfluff))) keep your chin up. women are strong. you are strong. you will get through this. do you have anybody close to you that you can tell and that you can take with you. that ca take care of you for the rest of the day afterwards?


feel free to vent here all you want and someone will respond. there are so many of us that have been through this and we are good listeners (readers).
datagirl
Hi all,
Just thought I'd squeeze in and let everyone in here know that it was actually 2 months ago that I had my termination.The father never paid for any of the procedure and I just got sick of asking him and hearing his excuses.I also just never wanted to have any contact with him.It just wasn't worth it.

My physical personal experience here in Australia of surgical termination was a positive one.There was no pain afterwards (except a tiny bit of abdomnial pain like a period was coming on) and minimal bleeding.I was a bit nauseous because of the anisthetic afterwards.I had a concious sedation type of anisthetic and was asleep and completely unaware of the whole procedure which took about five minutes aparently.
There was only a few drops of blood afterwards as well.The care I recieved was fantastic.I trusted the doctors and nurses.It made it easier that I went to an actual clinic that specialised in termination.My period was on time the next month and all is well.My personal opinion about RU486 now that I've had a surgical termination is that I would never go down that route.I don't want to see what's inside me.I don't want to know.

Bunnyfluff please read all you can about RU486.Aparently it IS safe.But just get all the info you can.Afterall it's only you who knows your body. And having to make the decision to terminate is never an easy one.The whole experience of pregnancy and termination has made me a stronger person. I am however now petrified of becoming pregnant if I'm not in a stable relationship.I now have very strong opinions (for myself) about never being a single parent as it's just too hard.Single parents are amazing though.I know that I made the absolute right choice for me.I had my friends and parents support so I was never alone and I never felt judged.The people who do know that I've had a termination tell me of all the women they know and their sisters,mothers,girlfriends,aunties,nieces.You name it and there will be a woman who has either had a termination or known a woman who has had one.
It's the most common procedure performed in the world.Definately nothing to be ashamed of.A fact of life? I believe so.It has nothing to do with good or bad.It just is.

((((Bunnyfluf))))
bunnyfluf
thank you guys so much for your support... it means a lot.

i had my gyn appt this morning for the colposcopy. the doc did find one lesion and was about to biopsy it when i broke down crying. she and the nurse were supremely sympathetic tho, and stopped the procedure. the doctor continued talking to me and reassuring me that everything would be okay, that in her opinion the RU486 method is safer, and tried to convince me to talk to someone, tell a friend. i have one friend who has had an abortion, but she lives in new york and i just can't bring myself to tell her on the phone. fortunately, i just found out she'll be up here for a wedding this weekend, so hopefully we'll get a chance to talk.

as for my decision to go with the RU486 versus DNE, i wanted to be present in the process, rather than anesthetized, and to be able to go through the hard part at home, rather than a clinic, so i can cry my eyes out if i want and hug my bunnies and watch firefly and meditate and apologize to my body for putting it through this. like data said, this has given me a new strength in a way, in that i won't be having sex with anyone that i wouldn't want to start a family with. so i guess i should get myself some toys... smile.gif i'm still undecided whether i want to tell the father. he was very comforting to me before, but now he wants more of a relationship and i really don't. it also seemed like once he knew he could get me into bed, he was a lot less caring and attentive. that's why i feel stupid, that i fell for it. i needed the comfort and kindness he was offering, and let him lead it further. i realized it a few weeks ago, when i was distraught one night and he just said 'well i can't help you with that,' and ignored me. so i went home in tears, relapsed in my cutting, and then vowed not to sleep with him ever again, maybe not even talk to him anymore. then the next week i found out i was pregnant. talk about horrible timing.

i'm not ashamed of the abortion itself, i'm just ashamed that i put myself in a position where i need one.

thank you pepper, shiny, datagirl and anarch. your hugs and kind words help reinforce my rational thoughts that everything will be okay.
kittenb
I just wanted to share this really great resource that I don't think a lot of people know about. It is a crisis line/website 1-866-4EXHALE. It is a post-abortion counseling and talk line. I know that Planned Parenthood endorses them and they are pro-choice and very non-judgemental.
Please pass this number around to anyone that you think could use it.

{{{hugs and support to all}}}
i_am_jan
bunnyfluf: Reading through your last post...you're going to be fine. It's good you're letting those feelings run through you and taking some time to think. Life is to be all about getting back up after we fall, which everyone does, frequently. You're here now, so something must be right.

kittenb: I wasn't aware of that Planned Parenthood-endorsed center...it's great it's posted here now.

PEACE

and

(((((everyone)))))
anarch
Hey, there's a "Farewell Blessing for an Unbirthed Spirit" in the Our Truths zine linked in one of the Exhale pages (it's in the .pdf). It says among other things: "Farewell, Spirit who took life in me. I release you with Love and Respect. Now is not the time for you to come to birth through me." Also an interview with a pro-choice Catholic, women's letters to their fetuses...good stuff. Thanks for posting it, kittenb.

I had mine in March. I've never had a craving to have a kid, and I enjoy my life as is. But my husband and I figured we'd make good parents someday, if we decided that choice was right for us, and we're financially stable. So I always thought that if it happened, we'd probably be happy to be pregnant.

But when it happened, I thought: no, no, NOW is not the time. I gave my husband and my doctor a bunch of reasons why not (my husband agreed wholeheartedly), but I didn't tell them the most important reason:

He has had serious anger management issues since the beginning of our relationship, 4 years ago. Nothing physical, but lots of yelling, blaming, and stomping around self-righteously. Then later, he'd realize what an ass he'd been and feel so guilty that he'd announce that he'll move out since he's obviously not a fit husband for me and we should probably get divorced too. He really meant it, in the moment. He'd also talk about how attractive suicide would be “because I'm obviously worthless” (he stopped doing that last year though, having improved to the point that when I pointed out how UPSETTING this was to hear, he admitted he was talking about it more as melodramatic theoretical speculation than an actual plan). And I'd have to persuade him, every freakin' time, that we've got a good thing here, don't give up, fate meant us to be together, please don't talk like that, of course you're a worthy person, etc etc.

I know it sounds like I should run run run away, but he agreed to therapy 2 months into the relationship and has made steady progress since. He has never plateau'd. He's light years better than in the beginning - his progress has been slow because he has brain damage from a bad car accident, so we have to have every argument at least 3x before he'll remember we've ever even talked about a topic before. But he's grown more, and faster, than many guys I've dated whose skulls were intact.

Only since Jan of this year have I started to feel like I'm not going to get ambushed by one of his temper tantrums. And I know damn well that a kid makes existing problems worse because there's more sleep deprivation, and more decisions to argue about. So the prospect of being thrown right back into conditions that would escalate his temper tantrums, when I'd spent the past 3.5 years helping him go from one temper tantrum every 3 days (when I first moved in), to once a week, to once every 2 weeks (after 1 year), to once every 3 weeks to a month (2nd & 3rd year) etc...until finally in January he was down to once every 3 months and I said to myself, "Once every 3 months, I can handle that,"...

(good thing too because having the same arguments over and over again every month was starting to persuade me this marriage really was a mistake and maybe it was time to stop trying to talk him out of his pessimism)

well when I found out I was pregnant I thought, Christ, the last couple of months is the first time since we married that I've started to feel that I can stop walking on eggshells thinking Hey he's about due to blow his stack again, I wonder which comment or opinion of mine will set it off? If we have a kid now, he's going to start being irrational every fucking WEEK again, and the prospect of going through all that AGAIN, but with the stresses of a kid in the bargain, is going to drive me straight into the loony bin. Or divorce. One or or the other – or to be realistic, both - but sure as hell we wouldn't be able to be the stable mother, or father, that every baby deserves.

So we went to Planned Parenthood. We drove by the clinic to eyeball the protestors and figure out which individuals were the clinic escorts. Parked 3 blocks away. Walked back, pretending we were out for a stroll (this clinic is on a busy street in the middle of Student Central, with lots of shops on either side). When we were right in front of the clinic doors I turned HARD left and I said, “Hi” to an escort who ushered us in, but not before a protestor cried, “Why are you killing your child?”

The abortion itself (vacuum) was fine, even without general anaesthesia (I hate being drugged up). I've had period cramps that were worse. Thank God for the PP doctors and staff. I sometimes wonder what might have been, but I don't regret. My husband started to say last year that he was too fucked up to be a father, so he definitely didn't want us to have kids, but facing the fact of our pregnancy made him think “Hey, sure I'm fucked up, but I'm working on it and making good progress and that's the most important thing for a kid, to see that parents are able to resolve problems,” and he got swept away by the idea. Which is fine with me as long as he keeps making progress, which he will, and maybe next year or the year after, he'll be stable enough and we'll be ready for a kid, if a little soul decides to choose us as parents. (During my abortion, I sent vibes of apologies & love at the foetus, explaining that now was a horrible time and inviting it to come back when we were ready for it, so who knows, maybe it'll come back.)

But we had another argument the month after the abortion, about – just as I thought - how to raise a (hypothetical, for crying out loud) kid, which went through the usual godawful, gut-wrenching song and dance and made me thank God I'd made the right decision.

I'm incredibly lucky. I'm in MA, which has a relatively civilized position on abortion. My family is solidly pro-choice, same with most of my friends, so I got their opinions before the abortion, and talked about it with them after. But yeah, I feel the taboo – who among my husband's friends are pro-choice, and who would disapprove? He's never talked about abortion with them. None of them know. We're keeping it a secret from our parents, who crave grandkids and would be devastated if they knew.

Thanks I_am_jan for starting this thread, and everybody who's posted your stories and support. As you've all said: We've got nothing to be ashamed of.


amazonprincess
It felt really good to tell my story and thanks for the response. This is a healing thread.
bunnyfluf
i'm in hte process now... took the second med this evening. it hasn't been near as painful as i feared, probably mostly due to the percocet. and decided to make chocolate chip cookies to keep my mind occupied and to have something yummy.

would a more detailed account of the process be helpful to people who may be scared, or would it be too graphic? not knowing what to expect was what i was most afraid of.

i can't praise the people at planned parenthood enough. i'm going to donate as much as i can. i wonder if they could accept a box of cookies as thanks, or if they are unable to accept packages?
shinyx3
bunnyfluf, so glad to hear you are doing so well!
treehugger
bunny, I can't speak for everybody, but I personally think a detailed account would be great for women considering going through this process for themselves. I had a tubal ligation a year and a half ago, and I posted every little miniscule detail in the childfree by choice thread. Information is never a bad thing.
shinyx3
i totally agree treehugger
anarch
Yeah, please do post about it if you're ok with it. I always learn a lot from reading other people's personal accounts.
i_am_jan
anarch: Thanks for taking the time to share that, such clarifying words.

I think it's admirable that you want a good, stable foundation in place before you bring a human being into your world. Timing is everything when it comes to important stuff like family. I remember at the time of my pregnancy knowing that a child would destroy me, it simply could not be for me at the time. It sounds like you've really got your hands full with your relationship right now and I hope it continues to get better. It sounds as though you both *want* it to, a recipe for success hopefully. I also love how you dealt with the spiritual aspect, that was very positive to me. It's wonderful that there is a spiritual aspect women can connect with in this situation, it's amazing that down through the ages women have been able to find that. I'll have to visit that thread you linked.

bunnyfluf: I agree that details/information are a fine thing. In regard to the PP staff, I know what you mean by feeling so grateful to them. I still do as well, they were wonderful, really nice and respectful to me. When no one else was at the time either. I'm not sure if they can accept packages or not...you could always hand deliver it if you felt compelled to. Or just a card expressing your appreciation, I'm sure it would go a long way with the underappreciated staff there at the clinic.

LOVE OUT

((((to all the sharers, faithful listeners and supporters, you are lovedl))))
pollystyrene
Reported. Wack job.
girlygirlgag
Hi crazy troll, *looking* to dirty the boards with your neurosis and desperate need for attention?

Nobody is interested, back to your bridge.
faerietails2
No one is bashing your alleged "christianity." They're bashing you. And rightfully so.
faerietails2
I think the real sin here is your stupidity (and awful grammar).
culturehandy
Not to further derail from the importance of this thread...
faerietails2
Back to the regularly scheduled discussion (my sincere apologies for my earlier troll-baiting in such an important thread)...

I forgot to post about this earlier, but have you all seen the I Am Emily X blog? It's all about Planned Parenthood workers' experiences, and I just have so much respect for them and the support they offer women. They created the blog in response to the anti-choicers' "40 Days for Life" protests, and they've raised almost $40k (people pledge a certain amount for every protester standing outside PPs during the 40-period). It's great.
themeiu
QUOTE(culturehandy @ Oct 30 2007, 06:28 PM) *
Not to further derail from the importance of this thread...

Agreed, and I am really glad this thread is here.

But, man, Lynda! Why do you want to come into someone's home and stomp all over their lives like this? Do you think this is making you a better person with your anger and judgements? I think it is only making you an unhappy person.
And honestly, I don't believe in your bible, pope, church, or god, so why would I want to argue with them? That would be pointless. Please stop harassing these kind and intellengent women and take you hate elsewhere. I don't think your god supports hate, i seem to recall he all about Love....

( huh.gif truly sorry if I have offended anyone else here. Please continue with the true purpose of the thread. It is a beautiful place)
anarch
I went to a PP Lobby Day today, where people interested in urging legislators to support some bills (1. a Buffer Zone bill that'll prevent protestors from being close enough to grab patients, 2. a Health Education bill to mandate education in schools re nutrition, physical fitness, mental health, violence prevention, and sex ed including abstinence AND contraception & STDs, and 3. getting archaic laws off the books including "sale of contraceptives banned unless the people who want to buy are married" !!) got walked through the process. I learned a lot.

Anyway, the reason I'm posting about it here is: I asked someone in my group about what the training was like to be a clinic escort, and she said the major thing was, they prepare you to deal with the heinous shit the protestors often spew. "Oh yeah," I said, "I had an abortion a while back and got a taste of what you guys have to deal with," and even in that supportive environment where I knew we were all on the same page, people went silent.

Maybe I'm reading things into it, maybe it was just one of those weird lulls when everybody's separate conversations quiet down at the same time, but it made me wonder if I'd shocked anybody, saying it out loud. Oh well. I'll keep on doing it, in safe environments. "I had an abortion" is not a dirty word (phrase, whatever). We need an Eve Ensler to do for "abortion" what she did for "vagina".

I_am_jan, thank you for your words.
girlygirlgag
taken to the take it outside forum.
shinyx3
anarch, thanks for posting. you are so right. there in nothing dirty or wrong about saying it out loud. i applaud your strength!

crazyoldcatlady
http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/blog/2007/10/30/mi-companera

interesting article about abortion doulas
(link c/o feministing)
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