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Arcadia
I also think this was a really good idea for a thread. Abortion is one of those subjects that needs so much support and yet rarely gets it.

CH - did you get the troll removed? If so, good show.
That shit was not warranted or appreciated.
shinyx3
i aslo notice that several of us went through this procedure with out any medication. is it possilbel that this was due to ignorance on our part ans not asking because we didnot know to ask for anything? that alone shows that it is not a talked about subject. i needs to be. we as women should be informed and understand everything about what we are doing and i can say that i went reather blindly into it. it is not something we should fear asking about and i did fear asking. i am so glad this thread is here for those in the future who wan to seek info.
i_am_jan
shinyx3: Oh my god, I didn't even think about that. I too went without any sort of medication ... I remember being too afraid to ask any questions at all about anything.

This is a legal, surgical procedure. Yet there is so much silence surrounding the issue that even those of us who have to have the procedure have been hush, hush during the procedure - ?

Ladies, I agree, I think we have to keep talking. (Could that be a final step in making abortion a REAL choice??)
emlikesart
I remember when I got mine that there were three options, each one being a different price. With no anesthesia, just a little pain medication, it was the cheapest (and the only one I could afford). The second one was "twighlight" were you had like a local anesthesia, but were semi-concious. The third one, and most expensive was being on full anesthesia and being totally knocked out.

I know for me, the price was a factor, and for some reason, being totally knocked out freaks me out for this kind of thing (not for other types of sugeries though). Maybe it was some fear of the clinic being taken down by pro-lifers, and thinking that I might need to be concious if I needed to get the hell out of there fast.

I know that back in 1996, the prices were something like $150/$300/$600 for the respective procedures.
shinyx3
it is good that you were given the information. i know i was not and i didn't ask. and i also know i had no meds whatsoever, and this is probably because i didn't ask.
i_am_jan
I did the cheapest one too, the one Em described, I do remember that. But I think it cost me $200 here at my Planned Parenthood Clinic in my state.

In case anyone would be curious, I personally do not remember feeling any pain, just a certain pressure that could easily be imagined for a vaccuum procedure.

I actually went back to school afterwards, hard to believe now, but I was trying not to get parents involved and I knew skipping school would bust me out. But I did have people tell me there was blood showing on the back of my pants by the end of the day, as there is bleeding afterward, an expected part of the procedure.

I wonder what an abortion costs these days?
shinyx3
wow, jan, that is impressive that you went to school afterwards. it is amazing what we can do when we are scared of someone finding something out that will be so judged. i was pretty sick but didn't let it show as i felt i had to be the strong one. also, i remember it being pretty uncomfortable but not by any means unbearable pain or anything like that. i would have benefited from something to calm my nerves and a pain killer but i made it without with no residual pain trauma.
kelkello
I only had one option...half a valium about 10 minutes before the procedure and Advil afterwards. They talked about the twilight thing, but didn't actually offer it. In 1998, it cost $350, but mine was $400 because I was just shy of six weeks pregnant, and for some reason, that made it more difficult or risky. I didn't want to wait any longer than I had to. That six weeks was probably the most time I've ever spent in denial. I remember at various points wishing for a miscarriage or a car wreck; how sick is that? Those were bad times.
i_am_jan
kel:

I hear you in regard to the wishing for a miscarriage. I remember wishing it would all take care of itself somehow too. I even heard rumors about a girl who had her boyfriend punch her in the stomach so many times so she would have a miscarriage. The sad thing is that sort of thing probably did happen at some point (shudder!!!!!!!!!!!)

I hear these stories in the news about those girls who have the baby and then dump it in a trash can and I always wonder: did they wait too long to have an abortion and then were just waiting for SOMETHING to happen? Did they not have the money for the procedure? Not knowing what to do up until the last second... And then just knowing one thing at the end: that they didn't want the baby. And there's no way they can tell anyone.

Hey, I wonder something. What if you went to Planned Parenthood and needed to get an abortion but told them you didn't have the money for it. What would they advise one to do, I wonder? Is there someplace you could turn to get the funding?
thepointybird
Here in the UK, abortion is sometimes done on the national health service, but not always. I'm not sure of the ins and outs, but I think it mostly depends on your healthcare trust, which in turn is determined by where you live. But it's a good point Jan - I'm sure there must be loads of women who would prefer to terminate, but can't afford it. I must say, it's definitely a charity I would think about setting up if I had the money. And also, I'm a wee bit ashamed that I've never considered this before.....
faerietails2
*delurks*

I just want to say how much I admire you all and appreciate you posting your experiences. Thank you for starting this thread, jan.

Btw, there is an abortion fund (several, in fact) in the U.S., but many only pay a portion of your abortion, mostly because they're so short on funding. There's the National Network of Abortion Funds, and there are some other private funds. I have a friend who used to work at an abortion clinic, and one time I went to this discussion that all the local abortion agencies in the (Austin, TX) area put on for the public at a woman-owned bookstore. It was really interesting, and they all said that they get a lot of women asking for financial assistance on a daily basis. Sometimes they can help, sometimes they can't. But I think that network had a referral service to try and get the women some kind of financial aid.
kelkello
For those of you that read my story, you might remember me saying that the guy who impregnated me slammed me all over town, telling people I killed his baby. 10 years later, it came back to haunt me. Tonight I was in Barnes and Noble and saw a familiar face. A girl who dated his friend. We instantly recognized that we knew each other somehow, but couldn't figure it out. When at last the light came on, she said, "Oh, yeah, you dated D_____." And there came that knowing look. I think she wasn't being judgemental because she was the only one who seemed like a human to me afterwards. But it's so strange that 10 years later I can still be so completely floored by this decision I made. So completely taken off guard by the sheer number of virtual strangers who know so much about my private decision. So completely bewildered by his decision to make that information available to so many people. So many things out of my control. I will forever fight for the right to choose. I just don't know if I would ever choose it again.
i_am_jan
Thanks for that link Fairietails. I'm going to try and look into something locally and just find out if there is anything I might be able to help with or mobilize. Because it would be terrible for a woman who needed an abortion to have to go ahead with a pregnancy simply because she couldn't afford it.

kelkello: I remember feeling violated because my parents told all of my friends and family about my decision.

But now, I realize that many of those women have had abortions of their own. And the men have been involved with women who've had abortions. And many of the men have walked out on their own children. Or killed people in wars. Or raped people.

I know that no one is in a position to judge me.

I let others live and I expect them to let me live as well. If they don't respect my decisions, then that is a problem they have. I don't sit around worrying about their sensibilities anymore though. I take care of myself there is integrity in that.
dirtyfrenchnovel
I had an abortion 2.5 years ago. I found out at the beginning of the week and by the end of the week had already had the abortion. I just knew it was the right thing to do at that time. I was in the middle of college, my boyfriend and I had just broken up prior to me finding out I was pregnant. I was completely broke and living in my grandparents basement.
I was fortunate in that my mom went with me to the clinic and supported my decision and took care of me afterwards.
I don't regret my decision but it was traumatic. Pulling up to the clinic with all those assholes outside with signs picketing. I was completely under for the procedure which meant that I couldn't have anything to eat or drink for 12 hours before hand because of the anaesthesia. I was dehydrated, hungry and needed to take my anxiety meds but couldn't. The moment they started taking my blood I just wailed and wailed and sobbed. I just wanted it to be over and there was a long line and I had to wait for hours. When I finally got in the operating room I was clearly very upset. Not because I was having second thoughts but I was hungry and tired and worn out emotionally and I just wanted it over with. So they went to put the IV in and I'm petrified of those things so I cried some more. The doctor never even made eye contact with me and when I started crying he just yelled at the nurse to sedate me. I woke up and they tried to get me to use the bathroom and I almost fainted when I stood up. It was awful. I don't regret my decision but the whole experience was awful.
afterwards, I felt the need to "confess". I told a few friends right away, and haven't spoken a word about it to anyone again until now. I'm okay with my decision, but I know others may not be and I don't need to hear their judgements on the matter so I keep quiet so I don't have to hear the nasty things people say. But it is good for me to talk about it sometimes, I think.
i_am_jan
dirtyfrenchnovel: Thank you very much for sharing your story on this board. It sounds like a painful tale that took a lot of courage for you to put down in words.

The doctor you had sounds like he/she could have been a little more supportive. I can't imagine having to have missed a dosage of your anxiety medication and go through a medical procedure without it ... I can only imagine how traumatic that would have been - ? And being hungry waiting in a long line? That sounds so very hard to get through...!

It may not help, but I want you to know that if you made the decision to abort so as to not bring a child who you were certain was not wanted and could not be cared for into the world - then many people, myself included, do believe that you made a responsible, mature, and compassionate decision.

You do not have to feel ashamed - or guilty. Do you know that?

I remember those picketers outside the clinic too. I had to get past them and their flyers literally shoved AT MY FACE before I could get into the clinic to get medical advice and assistance. I wish they'd take those signs and go protest rape. Or the war. But they do not belong up in your life when you need to make a personal, medical decision about the goings-on in your body.

I too carried a lot of guilt around for many years. Then I realized it actually wasn't MY guilt - as I knew all along I had made a sound, responsible decision - but it was the guilt I bore for others. Others who I knew were judging me. Others who felt they had some right to choose what I do with my body and how I live my life.

If there's one thing the anti-choice movement has been successful at, it is just that: making women feel guilty. And as a result, silencing them, rendering them in many cases unable to share/let go of the trauma that ONLY THEY had to bear in the first place - ? It is not right.

That's why we are here. Yours is a story of personal survival that was hard won - and against the odds, you took care of yourself and in many ways, saved your life. You know - you can be okay with your decision. Remember that abortion is 100% legal and that a decision to have one is a legal, respectable choice. It is there for exactly the reasons that you chose it.

Anyone who tries to take away a woman's right to choose is OUTSIDE THE LAW in this country. Of course, we respect their right to make their own choices, and to picket if they want to spend their time opposing other peoples' choices. But that's as far as their rights go. It is up to an individual woman whether she chooses to go through with a pregnancy or not. And that woman is expected to be as vocal about her choice as she wants, legally and legitimately.

You have a right to be here and to work out your emotions/trauma. Your decision is supported and respected. I hope you are able to keep talking about it. And I hope you are one day able to be okay with it. Feel free to come here any time and ask any of us questions or to just vent your emotions. I agree that it helps to talk about the experience, I can't tell you how much it meant to me. Also, when we talk about things, it could help someone who is pregnant and not sure what to do just by listening to your story. Thanks again for sharing that.
i_am_jan
Just wanted to say I will be away from computers for the next several weeks so I won't be around the board ... I hope everyone will keep this thread alive ...

I always hear how, in other countries, women who speak about women's issues publicly receive death threats daily and are indeed killed on a regular basis. I know many here feel that it is necessary to talk about abortion and to refuse to be silent in order to keep the right to choose legal!!

Thanks for always listening to my ranting ...

Peace out everyone, take care ; )
samiam
I had an abortion 9 years ago, when I was 22, living out of my dying truck, and fresh out of college. Now I am 31, have a good job, a home, a truck that runs (the one I bought just after aborting) and I just made an appointment for another abortion this Friday. I am sort of torn about this because I feel like 2 abortions is too much for anyone, but there is some question as to who is the father of this bundle of cells, and I don't want to go any further with either candidate. I just want to get this over with. I just want a chance at a normal life. I want a husband who loves and supports me. I want children who are wanted and can be taken care of appropriately. I feel like a jerk because I just want this done, you know? I feel like a slut because even though neither guy "finished" inside me, I did have sex with two men and either could be the one. Mostly I feel stupid. Has anyone else had more than one abortion here? 9 years in between seems like a reasonable amount of time, right? I am mostly venting. I feel like shit. And my boobs hurt. ugh.
shinyx3
Sam, it takes a strong woman to look at her life and realize she is not in the right place for a baby. what you are doing is being responsible. do you have someone clse to you who you can take along for moral support?
samiam
I think that one of the guys possibly responsible (and more likely to be the one, actually) is going to go with me. He is begging to pay for it, help me out, get me a hotel room if I want, etc. The other guy I talked to today, and he offered nothing but his own story about how poor he is living in a 600,000 dollar house in Tahoe, without a mountain bike, and driving a crappy car. He wants more toys, and definitely no kids. Then he made some inane comment about lawyers, apparently completely ignoring the fact that I am the daughter of a lawyer/judge, and that all the people who raised me are lawyers/judges. He showed his ignorance so plainly and I have never felt better about this decision. My experience 9 years ago was more the latter than the former, and really painful. This experience, if anything, has shown me how much i have matured in the last 9 years. I work with other people's unwanted children now, and I want nothing to do with contributing to that world. I am not making a judgement, I am making a decision.

Nine years ago I made this decision because I had to. Today, I am making this decision because I have a choice. Liberating, really.

Thanks for the support of this thread. :-)
saktii
Samiam,
I also had an abortion at about 21 or 22 and just had my second one yesterday. I am now 32. I opted for the RU-486 method and just completed passing the tissue yesterday.
I have to say that this time around, I was alot more confident in my choice.
My take on it is this: I want and deserve to have my storybook family life. I currently have an amazing boyfriend who has been an absolute hero these past couple of days, but neither of us are ready to have a child yet. He's in the middle of a PHD, and I'm still in the middle of trying to figure out who I really am. I want to give a child all of the things my parents could never afford to give me.
Human beings have done their job of becoming plentiful on the planet. So much so, that we are now destroying it. I don't want to add to the overpopulation anytime soon.
I also wanted to say that as a full-fledged hypochondriac, the doctors at Planned Parenthood were suberb and did an amazing job of putting me at ease. (another reason I don't want a child. I flip out when I imagine all of the crap my body will have to go through being pregnant).
I am so thankful to be living in a world where I have a choice.
nickclick
only popping in to say, there are a lot of smart brave women around here.
samiam
Saktii -- THANK YOU!!! Our situations are very similar. I am going to go the medical/RU486 route, as well. Last time I had to do the vaccum way, because it was the only thing available, and it was awful. The doctor was mean, there was no pain management or anaesthesia, and everyone working at the clinic was about 8 months pregnant herself. I have to drive about 3.5 hours each way tomorrow to get the meds. Should be a loooong day.
saktii
QUOTE(samiam @ Jun 7 2007, 07:33 PM) *
Saktii -- THANK YOU!!! Our situations are very similar. I am going to go the medical/RU486 route, as well. Last time I had to do the vaccum way, because it was the only thing available, and it was awful. The doctor was mean, there was no pain management or anaesthesia, and everyone working at the clinic was about 8 months pregnant herself. I have to drive about 3.5 hours each way tomorrow to get the meds. Should be a loooong day.



Samiam,
Just a note of caution as I'm discovering today-- the RU-486 seems to have a slightly longer recovery time. I'm still feeling weak and it's been over 48 hours since I took the last 4 pills. All in all, though, it wasn't so bad.
Good luck darling! Make sure you have someone to stay with you for at least 10 hours after you take the second round (the last 4) of pills!
samiam
Thanks for the tip. As macabre as it sounds, this could not have been better timed. School ended yesterday and as of about 2 today, I am on vacation for 2 1/2 months. Not exactly how I wanted to start the break, but better than trying to do this while teaching middle school, or taking sick days that I would have to explain to a principal. I am planning a few days with movies, the internet, a good book or two, and a lot of sleep.

You know, much like 9 years ago, I don't feel pregnant, I feel inconvenienced. That's not a good sign. I hope that someday, when I actually want to be pregnant, this time will feel like the precarious blessing that so many of my friends have enjoyed. I want to be one of those women who worries about telling anyone in the first trimester for fear of miscarriage. I want a wanted pergnancy, and I want to be wanted in that state. At the moment, all I really want is to get this over with.
dayglowpink
Wow, I can't believe I just found this thread today. I've had two abortions, and both were extremely painful emotionally. I still carry a lot of guilt and pain. Only a few very close friends of mine know about my abortions, and I never feel comfortable talking about them, because I'm afraid that people will have a negative reaction. It's hard to even know where to begin with writing about them. The first one was when I was 22, and the father was a guy I had hooked up with a few times but only had sex with once. When I first found out I was pregnant I really wanted to have the baby, and the guy wanted me to as well. When I told my mom, she flipped out and insisted that I have an abortion, and I wasn't strong enough to stand up for what I really wanted, so I did. I felt absolutely horrible and so angry afterwards. I didn't talk to my mom for about six months.

The second pregnancy was with a guy who was my boyfriend at the time, but he was emotionally abusive, and it was a very bad relationship. I think I was about 25 that time. At first we wanted to have the baby, but then he decided that he wanted me to have an abortion. I did realize that it would not be healthy to have a baby with this guy, and like treehugger, I knew that my boyfriend would abuse the baby, because he was so out of control of his temper. I figured that if I had the baby I would have to move away and basically start a new secret life so that my boyfriend couldn't find us. He was a very weak person at times, and he freaked out and wouldn't come with me to get the abortion, so I was completely alone, and I had to take a cab home. It was horrible. The only good thing about it was that I helped out this other girl who was very frightened by telling her about my first abortion and helping to give her confidence that she could get through it.

Anyway, I still feel an incredible amount of guilt for succumbing to pressure from other people about the choices I should make. I am 31 now, and I'm glad that my life is the way it is and that I don't have children, but it's still very hard to deal with the feelings about my abortions. I never talk about them (except with my therapist), because I don't feel like it's possible to explain how complex and mixed the emotions surrounding them are. I feel guilty that I feel so much pain about them but that they ultimately were my choice while there are so many women out there who have had miscarriages or babies die. It makes me feel like I don't have the right to be sad. I think that is so difficult to understand for people who have never had an abortion themselves. There's probably so much more I could write, but this is enough for now. I'm really glad that this thread is going.
sassafrass
One thing that's always made me feel kinda crappy is the distinct difference in my emotions with my 2 abortions. The first one was with a "friend-with-benefits" buddy and I was about 23 or so. I was a little bit sad, but mostly I was relieved that abortion was legal and safe, and afterwards I really didn't carry much regret or pain about it. The 2nd one was when I was 28 and the man was my boyfriend--a man I knew I was going to marry--and it was heart-wrenching. But I definately was not ready for kids. Didn't think I'd ever want them. The difference was that, this time, the father was someone I loved. And he loved me and we had a great relationship. We did marry and years later had 2 kids. It was after having my first child that I experienced intense sadness over the 2nd abortion. Yet, I wouldn't have changed my decision. There's no way I'd have had a kid at 28 (I was a immature 28).
kelkello
QUOTE(samiam @ Jun 7 2007, 06:18 PM) *
Thanks for the tip. As macabre as it sounds, this could not have been better timed. School ended yesterday and as of about 2 today, I am on vacation for 2 1/2 months. Not exactly how I wanted to start the break, but better than trying to do this while teaching middle school, or taking sick days that I would have to explain to a principal. I am planning a few days with movies, the internet, a good book or two, and a lot of sleep.

You know, much like 9 years ago, I don't feel pregnant, I feel inconvenienced. That's not a good sign. I hope that someday, when I actually want to be pregnant, this time will feel like the precarious blessing that so many of my friends have enjoyed. I want to be one of those women who worries about telling anyone in the first trimester for fear of miscarriage. I want a wanted pergnancy, and I want to be wanted in that state. At the moment, all I really want is to get this over with.


Samiam, you are lucky not to feel pregnant. Before I had my abortion, I definitely felt pregnant. I had constant nausea from the time my feet hit the floor in the morning until they got in bed in the evening. I slept all the damned time. I had horrible acne and mood swings. I'd make a terrible pregnant lady if I ever went through with it. I was only pregnant for just under 6 weeks, and it was hell. But I felt like I sort of deserved the hell...that's the guilt talking. I know I made the right decision for me, but I still feel guilty, even almost 10 years later.
saktii
I feel sort of guilty for NOT feeling guilty about my abortions. You know, like I must be a cold person or something.
samiam
I know what you feel about not feeling guilty. One day I started thinking about all the children that would be here if every woman I knew who had had an abortion had not, and it was staggering. We are not alone.

As for not "feeling" pregnant -- it was more a comment on the emotional process than the physical. Trust me, I feel pregnant: bloated, breasts ache, cramps, hungry and tired all the time. It sucks even more because I am not happy about it. The woman I work most closely with is pregnant right now, and even though she is sick, achy, and suffering all the time, she's happy. I want some of that.
shinyx3
guilt is so much of a trap and no matter how hard we try to be logical about it it doesn't always work. but when a decision is right for you there is nothing anywhere that says you won't feel guilt about it. i like to tell myself that guilt is a waste of time ans therefore i don't feel guilty because why should i waste my time. (Very nice to say but not so easy to do) You are both strong and will have the knowledge that you made the right choice for you at the right time.


(((Sam and Saktii))))
kelkello
QUOTE
but when a decision is right for you there is nothing anywhere that says you won't feel guilt about it. i like to tell myself that guilt is a waste of time ans therefore i don't feel guilty because why should i waste my time.


Word, Shiny. Guilt is definitely a trap. I feel guilty sometimes about my abortion, especially around the time I know the kid would have been born had I ever let it get to kid status. I KNOW I did the best thing for me and it, and 95% of the time, I don't feel guilty. I think guilt is an indulgence. I made a decision, and I don't feel sorry for myself about it. Trust me, there are times when I feel a little cold and clinical about the whole thing, particularly the first couple of years afterward. As I grow older, the guilt hits a little every now and then, but never in a way where I question what I did.
saktii
QUOTE(kelkello @ Jun 9 2007, 11:30 AM) *
Word, Shiny. Guilt is definitely a trap. I feel guilty sometimes about my abortion, especially around the time I know the kid would have been born had I ever let it get to kid status. I KNOW I did the best thing for me and it, and 95% of the time, I don't feel guilty. I think guilt is an indulgence. I made a decision, and I don't feel sorry for myself about it. Trust me, there are times when I feel a little cold and clinical about the whole thing, particularly the first couple of years afterward. As I grow older, the guilt hits a little every now and then, but never in a way where I question what I did.


Kel, have you talked to anyone professional about your feelings of guilt? I think the strength of your feeling for the situation shows that you'll be an awesome mom should you choose to have a child some day, but maybe it's time to finally move past the guilt.
samiam
Well, it's done. You know what? I feel better than I have in weeks. Seriously. I ended up deciding to go with the surgical option, and although it hurt like a mother fucker, it was the right decision for me. I just wanted this over with. Everyone at the Planned Parenthood was awesome, supportive, kind, and real. Unlike my experience 9 years ago, I felt like I was in the right place at the right time. It was a long day, though. 3.5 hours driving there, 7 hours in the office, and 4.5 hours driving back. Then i got up and took a test at 7:30 this morning. Took a short nap and have been cleaning. 9 years ago I bled and bled and had so much pain that I remember sitting on the couch for days with a heating pad. Today i am barely bleeding and feel fine. Perhaps it's because I was only 5 weeks pregnant, so there wasn't much to take out. (sorry if I am being to graphic)

Still, not something I want to do again. Really. I mean it this time!
shinyx3
see sam, you are strong! I am glad you made it through this so well.
samiam
Thanks for all you support, ladies. I was talking to my room mate today about how much better I feel. It's amazing. I feel exactly the way I wanted to -- relieved. <<big sigh>>
samiam
Just when I was feeling pretty good about this whole situation, the boy's check bounces. Yup, his half of the cost, covered in full by me, was given to me in the form of a check on Sunday night. Then he left for South America, for 6 months. On Wednesday morning (when he was still stateside, with his mom visiting family before he flew out from the Bay today) he texted me to not deposit the check for a few days, but it was already done. I texted back telling him as much, got no reply. I am pissed.
shinyx3
guess that just lets you know one more time that you made the right choice! what a ass! sometimes i wonder if there is any realization that it takes two people to create the little cluster of cell yet it seems that there is only one person who deals with it, finacially, emationally, physiccally, etc. youu are strong sam, you will deal with this too and then if you ever see said asshole again. hold your head up high an know that between the two of you, you are the strong one, he is the pathetic weakling that didn't take responsablilty.
dayglowpink
Has anyone seen the movie Jesus Camp? I just watched it last night. It's a documentary about evangelical Christians basically indoctrinating and brainwashing their children into the whole belief system, and there's a scene where they get all these kids to protest abortion, etc. It made me feel really sick to see the kids being manipulated like this and sad about my abortions at the same time. Sometimes it's really hard for me to feel strong in my beliefs and choices when I see stuff like this, because I start feeling like I was the baby killer that they are talking about. I can recognize that they are extreme and that I disagree with everything else they are saying, but it still makes me feel bad. Another thing lately is that I wish that I was more comfortable with talking about my abortions with people I know. If the topic comes up at all, I feel like I have this deep dark secret that makes it much more personal and raw for me, but most people have no idea that it's more to me than just a political issue or whatever.
knorl05
dayglow: i actually recently just heard about that movie i will for sure have to check it out. i think when it comes to radical views like that, the viewer has to watch with discretion. these opinions are out there and i think it's important to be aware of them, however i think we must also not allow it to oppress our own beliefs. i am the first to advocate for therapy, so i would suggest if the abortion is something that affects your self perception, that you perhaps look into talking it out with someone. only you know why you had to make the choice and only you have had to live with it, so if you have any sort of negative feelings over it at all i think you owe it to yourself to allow yourself to heal and move on with your life.
karategrrl
Hi, ladies.

I just popped in here to read a few posts, and I'm really impressed with all of you sharing your stories. I have never been in a position where I had to make a decision about an unwanted pregnancy, but I've had the pregnancy scares, and known a few people who have had the procedure, or guys whose girlfriends did. In all cases, it was a difficult decision. unfortunately, this is a very hush-hush topic when it is needs to be talked about. I'm grateful for this public yet anonymous place of discussion.

I used to belong to a church where everyone was (of course) anti-choice, "abortion is murder," yada yada. One time after a church service, a bunch of them started talking about it and planning to stand by the side of the road with picket signs and all that rot--as if that kind of approach is really going to make anybody listen anyway?????? (I mean, I see the wackos with the graphic signs outside Planned Parenthood and my first thought is, "Wacko...") Anyway, I spoke up to these church folks and said basically, "Listen, if you feel this strongly, that's not the way to go about it. Why not get involved with an unwed mother's group or get involved in some other way where you can talk/relate to people one-on-one, rather than shouting/picketing/acting loony?" All I got were blank stares.

What gets my goat is, the anti-choice people want to make abortions not happen, but where would they be when it came to taking care of all those unwanted kids? It takes money, time, patience, etc. Would they give that? I think they'd fall short.

Anyway, excuse my rant. I just wanted to say I admire you strong, brave women for sharing your experiences on this board.
datagirl
My period was late (5 days) on Monday so I went to the chemist (drug store) to get a home test. When I got home I did everything the directions said and within 15 seconds it had come back positive.I nearly colapsed.I cried,in fact I wept.Now I had a decision to make.I rang my friend who'd had an abortion about ten years ago (she has a todler to her husband now) and she calmed me down.I felt so alone.She said I wasn't.And that she'd support me whatever I decided to do.I then went to the doctor and she said that those home tests are pretty much 99% effective.She gave me a bunch of abortion information (that I requested) and phone numbers ect and scheduled me for a blood test.
My ex fiance came over when I got home (we're still really good friends) and kept me company for a few hours.I'm lucky I have good friends.
Then the guy who got me pregnant phoned.He never calls me.I couldn't believe it.I'd broken up with him about 3 weeks ago because he was too unstable.I had no intention of telling him. As far as I was concerned I'd made my decision.He'd never need to know. It was good in a way to hear from him though.He's very attractive but as I said he has ALOT of emotional problems.He still lives at home,no job,very self obsorbed and he has a temper.His reaction was ok when I told him though.He of course couldn't believe it and also said that he's support me in whatever I decided to do.I never believed him for a second though.
Then the next day he rang me saying how it's going to ruin his life if I have the child.I was absolutely livid.I'd already had to cancel all the gigs that were organised (I'm a singer/songwriter) and here he is saying that either way I'm going to regret it but that he really doesn't want a child.So I called him back after work and told him that he was a selfish,fucking prick and that I don't want to hear from him anymore.

I've realised that I am alone as far as making the decision.No one else can make it for me.Naively I never thought that this would happen to me.I'm not 15,I'm 29 and that age in itself should mean that I am somewhat capable of making a life changing decision.I'm trying not to get attached to what's going on in my womb.I'd like to have it,but practically it's impossible.I can't afford it and I'm scared to do this on my own with no dude to help me out.Sort of an us against the world thing that I can imagine with someone who I love.
If I was to have this child,I'd have to be in contact with his crazy father and his even crazier family.The child would grow up in an apartment,without a strong stable father,to a mother on welfare with a binge drinking problem.I want my child to have a childhood similar to the secure one I had.Ok, it wasn't perfect but at least my parents were never on welfare and I always felt secure.Both parents were there the entire time.I don't judge single parent families at all.Alot of single parents work damn hard to provide for their children.I just don't feel that I want to bring up a child in that situation.I want to do the best that I can and I want to do it with a stable partner who will stick around.

So yesterday I told my mum.She's going to accompany me to the clinic in about a week and a half to have the termination.I'm going to ask for a general anisthetic.I hope it will be over quickly.Then my mum will drive me home,put me to bed and look after me for as long as I need her.
I try not to cry.But last night I just couldn't believe that Im going to do this.I just want it to be 6 months to a year in the future.I want it to be over.I want the guilt to go away now and afterwards.
shinyx3
data, hang in there, i dont think this is an easy decision for anyone. no matter what the circumstance is this is something that is a big deal. this is a major decision and you are a strong woman to look at the reality of what is happening in your life and make the choice that is right for you. i am so glad you have your mother to be there for and with you. support is so important. you will get through this and you will likely be stronger for it.

((((data))))

i know for myself it was a difficult decision and i knew exactly what i wanted but that didn't make the decision part easy. i was even married and financially in a place that it would have been ok but there were reasons that i did not even fully understand that made it sooo not ok to have a baby. so no matter your reasons, i am thankful that you have the choice to control this portion of your future. good luck to you and we are here for you to talk to. vent to. cry to. what ever you need. keep us posted.
datagirl
Thank you so much Shinyx3.This thread is so needed.

I know I can't have this baby,but my body is saying "Yes!"
A part of me wants it (and I even feel that it's a boy,which is just so wrong to think about) and I have fantasies about what it would look like ect.But the reality is I can't.It's not that it would ruin my life.It would impede my life.I haven't travelled,or been married or experienced alot of things and these things don't really seem important right now but I know that they will in the future.I am scared about the actual termination.My mum said to think of it as just a procedure to get my period back.She didn't say it in a casual way like it seems.More like I may have to be really practical about the whole thing so I can come out mentally ok.
I don't know.
shinyx3
you may want to ask about counciling or therapy at the clinic. it can be very helpful in dealing with your feeling and thoughts about this. keep us posted and vent when ever you need.

i_am_jan
datagirl: Hope you're doing okay. You will make the right decision. God speaks to each one of us and you just need to listen to what the supreme parent is telling you is right for you at this moment. When you've done that, you've done the right thing for you.

It is totally normal to second guess choices. But you know, that's all it is ... your mind working through things.

Remember: Life is ultimately this: a series of choices. At times, it is difficult to choose between two roads to take. It's absolutely normal, healthy and intelligent to QUESTION your choices. It's healthy and wise to be CONSCIENTIOUS. Even guilt feelings are normal from what we hear on this board. Because this is life in an imperfect world and usually, no choice is 100% cool ... it's a totally normal human being who looks back on what COULD have been and reflects. But sometimes you've got to choose between the lesser of two evils. You are human. Give yourself a break. You can't be everyplace at once. You can only do your best for yourself and that's it. It is your job to do what you must to to take care of yourself - and ONLY YOURSELF. You do that, and then hold your head high - you have done your job. Just let your brain work through it all. After all - I don't think ANYONE is ever 100% okay with having to make the decision to have an abortion -- again, it's the lesser of two evils.


((((data))))
shinyx3
jan, sooo glad you are back! missed you! you always have such wise words!
culturehandy
(((data)))) honey.
datagirl
i_am_jan thank you for your wise words.
Everything in my life is different now.The way I think about things.I definately want children.That's changed.I was so anti before.Now I can see that it
could be a profound love,just not with this one,not now.
I've made the appointment for Wednesday the 15th at 8am.First thing.I actually went to the clinic today.I needed to go just in case it was an awlful place but in fact it was ok and the people there were ok.I had to be buzzed in though and there were cameras.We don't have right to lifers picketing alot here in Australia.I don't hear of it at all thank goodness and today there were no crazies either.I was dreading that.
My mum will come with me.I emailed the father today telling him how much it was going to be and that I'd appreciate it if he'd pay half.I don't really want his money but I feel it's the right thing to do.Jesus this is hard.I hate that I have to wait for it to grow big enough to terminate.Sometimes I feel like I'm letting it down and I just feel so sad for it.One thought I had was that it would never see a blue sky,or love,or anything.This miracle happened for no reason at all and I'm destroying it.I hate when the thoughts turn like that.
Other times it's bearable.I went back to work today (I had 2 days off) and it was ok.Friday's are always quiet.I just don't know how the abortion will effect my work and if I'll be in tears at the drop of a hat.It's the aftermath that I'm dreading as well as the actual procedure.It'll be just on six weeks since my last period when I have the abortion so i hope that it will be over quickly.The receptionist at the clinic said that is would take about 5 minutes.I'll be under a light type of general anisthetic.I'll be asleep,but It will take less time to recover.I've got the week off so I can recover.
I'm not a bad person.But I feel calous and cold.
shinyx3
oh, no data, you are not a bad person. you are a responsible, strong woman taking control of her own life. thoughts come and go and play with our emotions but i think that is part of the whole acceptance process. but, again, you are strong and will get through this. i am glad that there is a clinic there that feels ok to you. i think that makes a huge difference in how you feel about what you are doing. if the staff is nice you are simply more comfortable.

i also think you are right in that the boy should take some responsibility and pay half but i bet that took alot of guts to ask for it.

*wishing you strength and support*
pollystyrene
((data)) exactly what shiny said.
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