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kittenb
Sometimes girltrouble scares kittenb in the best possible ways.

Dear Mouth Off,

I think it is time to introduce your new friend to blood games. That's kinky, right? And remember, no matter what he says, "safe words" are for wussies.

Bustie
zoya
dear chipper -

nice Hedwig and the Angry Inch reference.

Hansel



Dear Mouth Off -

Stick a ham up his ass and turn on the gas oven?

- Eva


(...was that way too wrong even for this thread?)
bunnyb
Dear Eva,

Go rinse out your mouth with cyanide.

Me


Dear Bustie,

I have a problem. I love books and I can't stop buying them. It's an addiction.
What do I do?

Bibliophile
lilacwine13
Dear Eva,
It depends. Are there lit firecrackers stuffed in the ham?

Dear Bibliophile,
I think you're going about this the wrong way. Did it ever occur to you that everyone else, the people who aren't buying books, are the ones with the problem? That while you are supporting the literary arts, they are, in effect, destroying it? Besides, if it weren't for people like you, there would be more destitute authors, which isn't something this economy needs right now.

Keep on shopping,
Bustie
kittenb
Dear Bustie,

I have a cold. I asked my guy to pick me up some kleenex on his way over. When he asked what kind I said anything soft but nothing with lotion in it. He got me generic! Generic tissues?! For a head cold? Is this proof that he hates me? Can I throw the box at him and assume he will understand that he must do better next time?
Some things just are not bought generic.

Signed,

Raw Angry Nose
bunnyb
Dear Raw Angry Nose,

Pretend you are grateful and, as a thank you, rub yourself up and down him so that he contracts your cold and has to use the generic tissues.

Dry Nose
stargazer
Dear Raw Angry Nose,

Next time you give him a handjob, don't use lube, lotion, or spit. Nothing. When he starts complaining about how rough it feels on his dick, say, "This is how it feels to use generic tissue on my nose. Enjoy a raw angry dick."

xoxo,
stargazer
hiddenpoet
Dear Busties,
my sister and I have an antagonizing relationship with each other that has always remained civil so i'd like it to stay civil. she recently left me a myspace comment that said "watching what not to wear right now! that girl's clothes are so horrible! thinking of you and wanted to say hi!"
what would your comments be back? (her style is in stark opposition to mine she tans, is blonde, wears those preppy mall brands and is proud about it etc.)
gradgal
Stargazer, I just had to pop my head in and say that I don't think that anyone can top your Raw Angry Dick Comment. laugh.gif So funny! I'm still giggling.


Hiddenpoet, well if you have a civil relationship with your sis and would like to maintain it, then I say you should try to be straight up with her and tell her how you really felt when she wrote that to you. That being said, given that this is the Bad Advice thread I would probably say something like...Hiya Sis, I was just looking at Playboy and thought of you. Thanks for thinking of me and dropping me a line. I really appreciate it. Hugs and kisses.
girltrouble
poet, i'd reply, "how funny, sis! i was fliping between "dirty jobs" and "intervention" thinking of you! xoxo! your loving sis." the lovely thing about responding in kind is that you have plausible deniability. you can always say, oh, i just meant that i was watching tv too. and that you neer meant that...!"



star, your comment=soda on my puter. hmph! (ok, soo not mad, you are sooo my hero- you beat me to the punch!)
culturehandy
Bwaaahahahahaha. you all fucking rock.
bunnyb
Dear Bustie,

I am in bit of a quandary. I happened to read a facebook PM to the boy from his sister, which was kind of bitching about me. His reply defended me, to an extent, but not as much as I would have liked (although to be fair he is in an awkward position). My problem is that I was hurt by what she said and am finding it hard to let it go; neither of them know I know but I want to say something to them. The boy's sister and I have a strained relationship; when we get on we get on fabulously well but we can also be very passive aggressive with each other. The boy and his sister are close and I know that he wishes he wasn't in between us and that we could go back to being great friends all of the time.
What do I do?

Sleepless in Sister-in-law-ville
sybarite
Dear Sleepless,

Why would you want to be great friends with someone who can be so catty? I say tell your guy then drift around the house looking wounded. He will become righteously indignant on your behalf and hopefully cut her out of both of your lives--for good!

And take some gin for that insomnia.

Caringly,
Me


Dear Bustie,

I don't feel like working anymore today but should probably attempt to hang on to my job in these difficult times. How can I look busy without actually doing anything?

Any advice much appreciated,
Me
girltrouble
dearest sleepless,

nothing stops those wagging tongues like knowing they are being heard. be sure to tell your beau's friend that you were a cia spy and know how to wire tap. when they are on the phone, sneak into another room, pick up the line and make weird clicking noises, and whisper phrases like, "uh huh." and "f'ing bitch!" and "i heard that." or my favorite, "oh you'll pay for that!" audibly. hire friends to crack his emails, and reply to them yourself. then invite her over for "peace talks" and get drunk in a spirit of "glastnost" tell her you think she needs a nose job and you could give her one with one swift blow to her "snot box,*" but it might kill her too. then talk about all the hitmen you know, and how your last boyfriend's sister is floating somewhere around the jersey shore. then laugh as if it were the funniest thing in the world. then say dead serious like, "she shouldn't have fucked with me. but i know i won't have any more trouble with you, or it's..." then make a "slitting your throat" type motion across your neck then pretend to pass out. while you are soaking in your own pool of drool listen to their reaction. i think you'll find that your troublesome sister will become your best friend ever! all she needed was incentive.

signed,
Mrs. Ruth Les


*sorry for using technical spy jargon!
hiddenpoet
Dear Sleepless,
Don't get mad get even. leave a comment about her hair or cosmetic choices being fads from decades gone by. leave a comment about something she does and say she is unsuccessfully attempting to be young again. deliver a real low blow. then when questioned about it just say you were just kidding like she was with you.

have fun with it,
hp

Dear Sybarite,
it depends on what your job is. take extended bathroom breaks and then say you think you are getting a UTI. ask other people about what they need to do and feign interest. try to look nauseous and people will in general avoid you.
good luck,
hp
zoya
Dear Sleepless -

Kill her with kindness. Post comments about how much you like her hair, clothes, whatever... or even better, compliment her on how great she re: the very thing she bitched at about you. That'll guilt her into feeling like shit.

as for the boy - optrex. a drop in his drink. nearly instant diarrhea.

love
sweet cheeks
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