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kittenb
Tree,
Unless you actually DO hate America, your answer is clear: boycott Citgo gas. Ask not questions, just do it.
Bustie
culturehandy
Tree, the fact that you are questioning this shows that you are a terrorist.

ETA: But that's okay, because everyone is. Canada is full of them. I say, come to Canada and we will turn you into beer swigging, hockey lovin', toque wearing, lovely.
girltrouble
nowadays, if you watch anything but fox you're a terrorist.
treehugger
Oh, bad advice Bustie, thank you!!! I shall try your suggestions right away! Where can I rent a Guantanamo bay?

Oh, hell, I'll just make one.

They let terrorists into Canada?? Do I have to learn French?

Oh, and Kitten, I shall boycott Citgo this very instant.
girltrouble
that's the spirit!


****************************


dear bustie,

since we are talking about politics, i've noticed anytime i hear the names "mccain" or "palin" i get a horrible migrane and my eye twitches.

...and i seem to be barking involuntarily, too.

i need help! how can i make it stop?

signed,
itchy and twitchy
kittenb
Deat I & T,

It is obvious that you are stuck in what we call denial. Your soul knows what is best for you but you are just not willing to accept it.

Give in to McCain and Palin!

Once you accept them as not only your true saviors but the saviors of this country we all love so much, your twitching and itching will cease. You will know peace.

Love,

Kitten of the Right
girltrouble
*has a stroke*
kittenb
But the pain has stopped now, hasn't it?
girltrouble
yes. but so has half my body....


...win? blink.gif

uh... thanks kitten of the right (please don't hurt me)


aw crap. i just discovered hearing mcain or palin makes me soil my diaper.

now that i'm wearing diapers...

thanks, i think,
stiffy,
(formerly itchy and twitchy)
lilacwine13
Dear itchy and twitchy,

Might I suggest using a tire iron on whomever mentions their names? Or else make yourself deaf, they have cochlear implants nowadays for when the election is over.


--------------------

Dear bustie,

Thanks for the advice, it turns out group sex another way to kill pain. wink.gif

What's the best way to get a song out of my head? My current method of singing the song loudly is driving everyone else crazy, but the dumb tune is still stuck in my head afterwards.

Signed,
Loonie tune
kittenb
lilacwine,

This will sound like a horrible joke, but I swear it works. You must drown out the music in your head with one of two songs: either "Breathe" by Faith Hill or anything from the Titanic soundtrack.
It will either replace the song in your head, or make you appreciate it more.

KittenB
mouse
dear loonie tune,

this is actually good advice, but listen to this episode of "radio lab" about how to deal with earworms.

xo
mouse
culturehandy
Loonie Toonie,

Listen to "It's a small world" and sing it to everyone around you LOUDLY.

Regards
kittenb
Dear Bustie,

What can I do about my beloved's snoring that won't leave me with that whole pesky corpse to dispose of problem?

Too Tired Kitten
girltrouble
well, too tired,

i have to say, leaving out the "pesky-corpse-to-dispose-of-problem," certainly leaves me hamstrung. after all, the shortest distance between two points IS a straight line, and putting a pillow firmly over his mouth would be the most direct, but, if you want to do things the hard way, who am i to argue?

although i can't begin to understand it, i've come up options with for people who insist on having their SO remain alive:

1)put him in a chemical coma. hell, it's just like sleep, and not as bad as death. although the downside is having to deal with body rot, diaper change, and messy feedings.

2)make him wear scuba gear to bed. yes, you will have to listen to that "darth vader-esque" noise, but many people find that relaxing.

3)fill his nose and sinuses with industrial grade caulk. it doesn't matter if it's for insulation or sealing tiles, what you need to do is plug the hole!

4)you've heard the expression "cutting of your nose to spite your face?" well cut off his nose to spite his face. ok, ok, he won't be that dashing fella you fell for, but so what? nothing beats a good night's sleep!

so there you go. but do keep in mind, if you suffocate him, you will only have to dispose of the body once.

*****************



dear loonie,
i am terribly saddened to hear that you've been afflicted by that horrible malady known as the "ear worm. while some of my fellow busties have proposed some gentle solutions, i prefer something that will cure you from this point forward--- aversion therapy.

instead of swapping out one horrible song for a hellish one, why not try something else? my suggestion is to carry a ball peen hammer with you at all times. when that obnoxious, earworm rears it's ugly head, why not smack it down by hitting yourself in the head with said hammer?

having done this several times before, i can tell you first hand that you will completely forget about the song. plus i think you'll find that it's like a fun little game of "whack-a-mole."
tesao
dear G T:

i am hopelessly in love with you. you give THE BEST WORST ADVICE ever!

i am going to die of suffocation from snorting various liquids (including soup, wine, vodka, scotch, guarana) out of my nose. or because i try to breathe said liquids. or because i have an aneurysm and no oxygen gets to my brain from laughing so long and so hard.

what should i do?

tes
treehugger
You could have plastic surgery to permanently implant straws into your nose that would stick out above the goo that you are going to drown in.

I hear it's all the rage in Europe.

For the laughing too much, STOP IT. There are too many starving children dying for you to even consider laughing, so if you are laughing you are NOT A GOOD PERSON. That will stop you from having your "laughing aneurism". You can't laugh unless you've suffered enough. You aren't there yet.
lilacwine13
Dear tes,
Imagine McCain winning the presidential election and then dying so Palin is president. That should put an end to your amusement. Sheesh, laughing at a time like this, what is wrong with you?


Dear gt,

Well, I took all the others' advice and now I have five songs stuck in my head (another one got stuck in there from mouse's very interesting podcast), so now I'm ready for something more hardcore. Would a croquet mallet do? Ball peen hammers are hard to come by around here.
--still loonie, still toonie
culturehandy
Dear Loonie Toonie,

Sing all the sounds out loud in a medley. Then take an ice pick and ram it in your ears, be careful to not hit your brain.

or give yourself a lobotomy.

tes,

stick said liquids in your ass and vagina, or inject them directly inyour veins so you get fucked up faster.
auralpoison
Dear Loonie Toonie,

I have two words for you: Acme Anvils. If an anvil won't solve your problem, nothing will.
girltrouble
croquet mallets are do able, but they are entirely too cumbersome for our purposes, so that will not do. while i am a HUGE fan of ACME products, i'd have to say that they suffer from the same problem. after all when you've got an ear worm, who has the patience to strap a rocket to your back and hit the large "X" with your face? certainly not me. and while i think that an ice pick lobotomy sounds like a great date, i'm afraid that that sort of behavior should be kept in private and is not suitable for the office. so i am thinking we need something that will be a bit more fun.

my non-surgical suggestion, you will need to do a bit of shopping. first go to home depot, and buy duct tape. many people ridiculed that homeland security fellow, because he suggested many of today's ills can be solved with it. i don't know what all of the fuss was about. my sister left her child with me when they had chicken pox, and i solved the problem by duct taping the darling little one head to toe, and ripping the tape off quickly. another problem solved!

but back to your problem loonie, the second ingredient demands that you go thrifting and find the largest boombox you can find. make sure it has auto-reverse. find a tape of music that you simply love, i prefer something slightly retro, because there is a greater chance that your friends will know the songs and sing along. i would suggest Air Supply. don't forget to buy batteries, because you don't want to be caught out there without a working safety blanket, now do you?

now that you have what you need, find a friend and have them duct tape the boom box to the back of your head. perfect.

now that you have your "rig" set up, go about your normal business, with that boom box turned up full volume. i've found, people who really love this is the people you work with! if they ask, tell them you like to share. enjoy!


***********************

dear bustie:

i simply abhor the vacuum, i hate cleaning, and my place is an unmitigated pit! while i am tempted to do something about it, i'm afraid it really isn't in my nature. ok, i'm just too lazy. i was thinking of procuring a child for just such a purpose, but well, i'd have to feed the little beast, and that would be entirely too much. what should i do?

covered with dust,
house on hold
kittenb
Dear House on Hold,

I have a simple solution to your problem. Burn, baby, burn. Isn't it time to start over anyway? Maybe save a few items that you can't live without, but, otherwise, trash it.

After all, a new apartment will be so much cleaner anyway.

Kleener Kitten
auralpoison
Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! FIRE!
culturehandy
Duh,

Just buy a new house, fuck cleaning the old one, and when that one gets dirty, just buy another one. Now, if you don't have money to continually buy new houses, then you should start selling crack and heroin.
persimmon_grrrl
...
lilacwine13
Dear House on Hold,
I'm going to suggest renting a bulldozer, they seem to work well for getting rid of unsightly messes. Plus, you can always go on Extreme Home Makeover and get a new house built.

--------------------

Dear bustie,
I have figured out that the guy I'm interested in is playing me for the fool, and this has left me with an intense desire for revenge. What would be the best way to get back at him? Keep in mind we work in a rural area with lots of shovels, a few pick axes and tarps, so be creative.

Signed,
Cold-Hearted
pollystyrene
QUOTE(lilacwine13 @ Oct 22 2008, 10:34 PM) *
Dear House on Hold,
I'm going to suggest renting a bulldozer, they seem to work well for getting rid of unsightly messes. Plus, you can always go on Extreme Home Makeover and get a new house built.


Yeah, but one of your family members has to die or get some horrible disease to get on that show.
kittenb
Dear Cold Hearted,

I think that you need to realize that you, as the woman, bear all responsibility in how the relationship went. He, after all, is just a foolish man and depends on your feminine and civilizing influence.

So, basically, anything he did wrong was all your fault.

Sincerely,

Bustie
culturehandy
Dear Cold Hearted,

Have sex with someone with Herpes, then sleep with your ex and give him herpes.

Cheers.

deschatsrouge
Dear cold-Hearted,
I think you should take it upon yourself to help him get over his obvious fear of commitment. It would behoove you to go to his work with some rope and a shovel, declare your love for him and ask him to go to lunch with you. If he refuses, you should knock him out with the shovel, tie him up and put him in your car. Drive out of state, along the way grab a picnic lunch. Find a nice park, and when he awakens feed him ever so lovingly the lunch you bought for him. Spend this time while he is still your captive audience to extol your virtues, and how generally great you are, this way he'll know why it was wrong for him to treat you so badly. After lunch have a heart to heart talk with him, explain to him why he is an ass, be completely honest, after all that's what good people want right? If he starts to cry, you know you have gotten through to him. If he still hasn't come around, drag him to a wooded area, and leave him there, preferably soaking wet, he's more likely to learn his lesson cold, wet, and alone.

Sincerely,
Another Rural Bustie
culturehandy
bumpity
girltrouble
dear cold hearted,

i think you should try a combo of things. first invite him on a cozy night out. tell him you want to do the local corn maze with him. once there, fuck the hell out of him in the car till he cannot stay awake, never going into the maze. wait til morning. while he's conked out, pull a "bobbit" bust out your leatherman tool, and a box cutter and saw the little fucker off. while he's screaming his head off (head...off, get it?) hop out rub his dick in the dirt and huck that motherfucker (mother...fucker, get it? oh nevermind, people.) as far as you can into the maze. by the time they find his dirty dick he will have either bled out and be dead or, his dick will be useless. pray for the latter, so that you can have all your friends call him stumpy until you've been let off due to insanity and call call him stumpy yourself.

wake up every morning knowing he won't make that mistake again.

enjoy!

***************************************************************
dear bustie,

i'm distraught. i was promised a house that was worthy of being on mtv's cribs, and a hip-hop signature lifestyle, with a pool, guns covered with rinestones and crystal champagne shampoo. but now the economy has tanked and i am stuck in my double wide. my question? who do i have to fuck to get out of this hell hole?!?

signed,
wannabee star-studded.
culturehandy
Dear Wannabe,

Recession is the word, get used to living in your crack house.

Bustie.
lilacwine13
Dear wannabe,
Well, you said it yourself, "Fuck." Find yourself a wealthy person who is in need of a mistress and would be willing to put you up in the manner you deserve. If they are willing to marry you and leave you their estate, so much the better, especially if they are old and in bad health. Just remember to look out for jealous children, grandchildren and the occasional stock market downturn.

Bustie
kittenb
Dear Wannabee,

The answer to your question is simple: Me. Don't worry baby, I'll take care of you.

Love,
The Answer To Your Prayer
deschatsrouge
Dear Wannabee

Instead of trying to rely on some one else to achieve your goals why don't you take the bull by the horns and commit grand larceny. You don't have to suck dick to get what you want. Rob some banks for cash then knock over a jewelry store to acquire the bling you so desire. When you have pulled the jobs to get what you will need to live in your desired life style, get the fuck out of the us, go live some where where your money will last a long time. I'm thinking some where in the third world that doesn't have an extradition treaty with the us government. You can live a rich eccentric life there and give the bird to the man at the same time.

Sincerely
Dear Crabby
konphusion26
Dear Bustie,

I have a friend that I want to cut loose in 2009. She's a judgmental, drama-queen with whom I had the displeasure of being roommates in college. We talk about once or twice a year and every time its the same thing. She on her high horse looking down her nose at my life. It honestly burns my hide. She's the type of "friend" that doesn't look at her own mess, but wants to tell you what you should do with yours. SOOOO over it!! We barely keep in touch anymore and it's really pointless for us to ever do so again. We don't hang out, we don't talk on the phone, even our myspace communication has halted. She's always inviting me to stuff at her house, and I always decline. I'm certainly not traveling 2 hrs to attend any of her gatherings. HAH!

My question is... how do I let this bitch know that I'm not interested in maintaining this shoddy friendship. Nor attending her baby shower, her birthday parties, her wedding, or any event that she'll be throwing.... EVER?

Sincerely,

The Roomie from Hell
alluna
Roomie,

You're already doing it. We all have friends who may have once seemed like the bestest butt buddy ever, but eventually they skip down a different path. It could be because they don't mature, engage in shady activities, or in your friend's case - turn into a condescending bitch. Your judgmental friend will eventually get a clue that you're not interested. If she wants to waste stamps on Christmas cards, that's her problem. Not everything has to be talked out like on Dr. Phil.

If you're looking for a quicker solution than two more years of her whiny voice mails, invite her to check out your new meth lab and tell her you've joined your local KKK chapter. That should get her off your ass.
twelve_percent
Well, first of all, you need a lot of duct tape and plastic bags. lol, jk. But seriously. You need to kill her and stash the body!
culturehandy
How many times do I have to say this, shanking someone is the best thing you can do! Shanky McShankerson.

Dear Bustie,

I'm finding that shanking someone just doesn't hold that certain je ne sai quois it once did, what method can you recommend?

Shanky McShankerson
kittenb
Dear Shanky,

Simple. Get a blowtorch. A big one.

Bustie
Persiflager
Dear Bustie

I'm searching for a new flatshare and want to make sure I win over my new flatmate. Do you have any tips on how to make a good impression?

Suck-up Susie
culturehandy
Suck Up Susie,

make sure to display lots of high end booze, and if they want some, let them get drunk. Or just show off your titties and then blow them.

Bustie
lilacwine13
Dear Suck-up,
Two things: Good wine and dancing girls/boys. Having a few of the dancers wait on the prospective flatmate hand and foot could help too.

--Bustie

auralpoison
Dear Suck-up,

That's all good advice. But you really should do what I did. I showed off all my guns, shared my hobbies of taxidermy & prison tattoos, handed out some racist/antisemetic pamphlets, shot heroin into my eyeballs, & warned them that if my brother was in town that if my room was rockin', a don't come a knockin'. I was an absolute bon vivant. They were instantly won over by my grace, charm, & wit. Of course having a molotov cocktail in one hand & a chainsaw in the other helped, too.

--Bustie
kittenb
Dear Bustie,
I love my apartment but I cannot get my management to belive that it is really cold in here. What can I do?
Sincerely,
Freezing In Luxury
bunnyb
Dear Freezing in Luxury,

Go sockless in the apartment for a day.
When your toes freeze and break off, take them to management as proof.

A little bit toastier than you
crazyoldcatlady
Dear Freezing,

I suggest a bonfire. Living room furniture chopped into bitty pieces will suffice. Buy smores, invite management over.

Sincerely,
Hot Buns
treehugger
Dear Freezing,

I work in hvac. What you need to do is get the gas pressure regulator taken out. You need as much gas as you can get. And while you are at it, bypass all the safety ignition controls and close off the exhaust vent.
girltrouble
dear freezing,

you were a theater major yes? me too! i always like a little bit of the old razzle-dazzle, a bit of that business called "show" to entertain and inform. my suggestion is to find him, and give him a magic show!

put a metal bowl in the bottom of a top hat. fill it with liquid oxygen. tell your landlord to put his hand in the hat and pull out a rabbit. when he reaches into the bowl, his hand will be frozen instantly. when he takes his hand out, say "TA-DAH!" then take a hammer or whatever, and smash his hands to bits. when he goes into shock, handcuff him (i think you'll know which arm to use), to whatever you have handy and dial the repair/heating people, and tell him to get your place fixed or you will find some other appendage to freeze!

your apartment will be toasty warm by the end of business...!
just remember magic is an illluuuuuuuuusion,
signed,
-chipper


*****************
dear bustie,
so there is this guy. we've kind of got a light romantic thing going. i like him cos 1)he's as kinky as i am, 2) he doesn't mind me challenging his opinion on everything. 3)he's dated t-girls before, and prefers them to gennys, so there could be something more here.

but.... and here is the thing: sometimes, if his opinion had a face, i would kick it in the face. he seems completely incapable of talking about any person or topic where people are involved without reducing it to race. i challenge his ideas, y'all know me, i can't keep my mouth shut. but all the same race seems to be the one set of guns he sticks to. so he starts up and i get these weird conflicting, (yet not altogether incompatible), twitch/urges. i get all stabby like rose, but i want to stick a fork in his neck like kel-kello. why? oh, i will grant you that the above is reason enough, but the kicker, the thing that really sets my teeth on edge and makes me pig-biting mad, is that he's jewish. non practising, to be sure, but you'd think his ass would know better. how can i teach him a lesson?

signed,
(i want his) mouth off
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