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vixen_within
This thread is a clearing house of shitty advice, worst possible paths, and titanic misdirection.

Go ahead, tell this thread your problems. We'll try to sort you out


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ETA: omg. SORRY my PC is heywire Could someone *please* delete the other threads?
girltrouble
dear bustie,

i would like to get blotto stinkin' drunk, what would be the best liquor to get me there?
auralpoison
As a drunk (I am NOT an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings.), I can say I prefer whisky or vodka if I'm going to get blotto.

Dear Bustie,

Should I just lay into the redneck? I mean LAY INTO. Both guns blazing, a ballet of verbal bullets taking him out like a John Woo heroine. The son of a bitch is gonna either try to take my tv or expect to be allowed into my home every time the goddamned Chiefs play football. He claims my mom bought the tv for him & it's his. I figure, he took the dog, he can't have the tv, too. It's one or the other, motherfucker.
tesao

dear drunk ap,

he says it's his? well, hell, just throw the goddam sucker at the red neck. break it good! that'll larn his sorry ass!

iffn i were you, i'd start calling the red neck A H.


for Ass Hat.




dear bustie,

my best friend says she doesn't have to take the pill any more, she can't get pregnant cuz her maine coon kitty gave her a hysterectomy. says he used his claws to just rip her stuff out. what should i do?

catty friend

auralpoison
Um, stay the fuck away from that cat, yo. Don't be lettin' no pussy at yo pussy.

This is like, a $1500 piece of heinous, crass American materialism. It's as big as I am. But I LIKE it! My project Runway is all huge & shit. For the love of Maud, somebody tell me to rip him two new rectums instead of being my usual magnanimous self.
tesao
okay!

rip him two new rectums instead of being your usual magnanimous self! why stop there? rip him THREE???

ap's gonna KILL AH! a tongue like a sword, has she! a lingual dagger!

all guns blazing! lay into him, he's got it coming!

or - why not blow up the Chiefs plane the next time they have an away game? yeah, that's the ticket!
auralpoison
This guy was my mom's bitch & I can't stand him. I CAN'T STAND HIM. I want to set him on fire! He's just the guy that was fucking my mom!

Dude, he has FLAGS here to celebrate his Chiefs even though they suck. I dunno who the Chiefs main rivalry is with, but I'm gonna find out & hang their fucking flag.

TELL me to destroy him! I wants the bad advice! I dun wanna deal with him as politely as I have! TELL ME TO FUCK HIM UP!
girltrouble
dear aural,

i do think you are taking the wrong tact.

why not kill him with kindness? if he wants the tv and insists it's his, i say give it to him. take some acid and etch his name in the screen so he knows it's his property! now it's customized, and who doesn't like that? but don't stop there. let him know there are no harsh feelings by drawing him a nice relaxing bubble bath, and while he's in there, yell, "suprize!" and throw him a smaller, portable tv while he's soaking his head! i think you'd be shocked at how he'd light up when he got your new little gift!

and that i think you'll find will make it all worth while!

LoveMyPugs
dear busties,

my sister-in-law-to-be is not too smart...seriously...she has a learning disability of some kinda and has never been a "student". well, she decided to sign up at the community college i attend and signed up for the same major i'm in. this major has a lot of math and one must be able to see 3 demensions in their head...neither of which she can do. this semster she started manual drafting. she's only on week 4 which is like, "Here is how you draw a line. This is a triangle. This is a scale." She lost and calling me all the time for help. She's also got the instructor helping her outside of class. There is no way in holy hell she's going to pass this class at this rate. If she does she moves on to Drafting II and has to do auxillary views and what not which are offset views that are distorted in the regular view. These are very difficult. I can see the phone calls and text messages now. How do I discourage her without discouraging her? She won't surivie this program. It's too hard for her. She's not being realisitc and is in denial. Am I being an asshole? Am I wrong? Should I just be good and help her as much as I can? Please help a girl out!!

Pugs
crazyoldcatlady
dear ap-
shove the teevee up your vagina and tell him if he wants it so bad, to come and get it. the remote, too.

dear lmp-
start barking each time she calls and asks questions. she'll get the hint that she can't keep running to you for help, and also that you're crazy. so really, you're killing two birds with one stone.
sybarite
Dear Bustie,

An irritating relation (not mine) is stopping by tonight with her brood of brats. I don't want to open the door to her and certainly don't want to waste time talking to her and coralling her spawn when I could be working or chilling out. Would it be wrong to keep the front door open the entire time she is here? I thought this might work as a helpful hint.

Sincerely,
A Hermit
culturehandy
Dear A hermit.

Try strychnine to avoid the pesky little brats in the first place!

damona
dear a hermit,
if you have a dog run in the yard, you could certainly use it as an over sized playpen!

or just keep your front door locked in the first place and put a sign on it that says "sorry, house of plague"
sybarite
Thanks for your very welcome suggestions. Strychnine would unfortunately present a potentially nasty cleanup problem. However, I feel the 'outdoor playpen' could be a winner, as this way the children could enjoy fresh air and some refreshing rain. Additionally, the indication of plague sufferers within teaches an important lesson that others are not as fortunate.

treehugger
Syb,

I agree with the dog run idea, but give them some laxatives first to make sure they don't get a chance to run off too far.

Dear Bustie,

I want a service vehicle, but my boss won't give me one. What should I do?
culturehandy
Dear Tree,

I suggest shanking him.

kittenb
Dear Bustie,

I've reached a point in my relationship where I need to take a break from my boyfriend who cannot/will not say "I love you." It might mean the end of my relationship. While it might break my heart, nothing is changing. However, at the same time I came to this realization, my boyfriend just found out that his cat might have terminal cancer.

What should I do?

Love,

kittenb

(Yes, this is a real problem but I have already come to my decision on what to do. I just needed a way to laugh about all of this so get to work ladies! I hope it isn't too much of a downer. rolleyes.gif )
deschatsrouge
Kitten,
First, you need to call him on the hour every hour and ask him if he loves you, if he won't budge, withhold sex. If that doesn't work then you need to give this guy the ultimatum. Tell him that if he doesn't say I love you, you will leave him. Second, you need to get a .22 and put his cat out of it's misery. Hey, he might be grateful to you and say I love you, just for that.
pollystyrene
You people are sick! And I love it! wink.gif
mornington
Tree-
stamp your feet and cry.

Kitten -
what AP said, but I'd possibly vary the every hour with texts and emails, possibly some sort of singing card, and flowers on his desk. And, personally, I'd cut the cat open on your kitchen worksurface. After all, home surgery is fun!

Hermit -
arsenic is a condiment, isn't it?
girltrouble
kitten one thing i have found always works is playing games. all though there are plenty of games to be played, there is one i think might be perfectly suited for your situation. first, however, i think the mood must be set, make like you are going to have a romantic evening. you know get the place all nice, clean up the cat puke that's been sitting in the corner for three weeks, splash on tons of perfume. then, once the boy is all giddy tell him to hop up on the bed, laying face down. straddle him as if you were going to give him a back massage. once he's relaxed ask him if he'd like to play a game. if he asks what game tell him whatever you need be, just don't tell him what you are going to do just say he'll like it. then once he agrees, tell him to stretch out his arms, and put them loosely at his side, then take one of them and put it behind his back and push up, like you've seen cops do on tv. when he protests tell him the game is called "i love you" and it's kind of like "uncle". the rules are you hurt him until he says "i love you." but you don't stop once he does. infact the only thing that stops the game is when he's broken a bone. trust me. this will make for a night you won't forget and neither will he!
sybarite
Kitten--ask your boyfriend if he loves his cat more than you, then without waiting for his answer scream 'it's the cat or me!' and proceed with any of the below suggestions for getting the cat out of the picture. This will definitely get his attention.

Tree--sleep with your boss, then hang around afterwards saying 'but I thought you loved me' and demand a service vehicle as compensation for your doomed relationship.
bunnyb
hmph, syb beat me to my response, kitten!

tree, wear a low-cut top and ask him again sweetly. knee him in the balls if he says no.
stargazer
QUOTE(girltrouble @ Sep 16 2008, 01:57 PM) *
kitten one thing i have found always works is playing games. all though there are plenty of games to be played, there is one i think might be perfectly suited for your situation. first, however, i think the mood must be set, make like you are going to have a romantic evening. you know get the place all nice, clean up the cat puke that's been sitting in the corner for three weeks, splash on tons of perfume. then, once the boy is all giddy tell him to hop up on the bed, laying face down. straddle him as if you were going to give him a back massage. once he's relaxed ask him if he'd like to play a game. if he asks what game tell him whatever you need be, just don't tell him what you are going to do just say he'll like it. then once he agrees, tell him to stretch out his arms, and put them loosely at his side, then take one of them and put it behind his back and push up, like you've seen cops do on tv. when he protests tell him the game is called "i love you" and it's kind of like "uncle". the rules are you hurt him until he says "i love you." but you don't stop once he does. infact the only thing that stops the game is when he's broken a bone. trust me. this will make for a night you won't forget and neither will he!


that's a good suggestion gt! but, i would put his balls in a vice instead. the only way he gets out is if he says "i love you."
girltrouble

dear bustie,

i'm not unhappy with my life, but i guess i am having my midlife chrysis. after lots of thought and consideration i've decided that i need to start over. what is the best way of faking my death?

signed, slip-not


(p.s.: please don't say "get a sex change." i tried that one, and it's a bitch.)

stargazer
closure is for twats. oh wait, you are one.

i say, just flip everyone off, say fuck you, and board a plane. destination unknown.
kittenb
Dear Slip-knot,
It seems that the best way to find a new life is to shop shop shop with someone else's credit. Steal someone's credit card and accesorize who you want to be. Do a cash advance to pay for a name change so there is no paper trail. Just tell the recorde person that you were born in a small town and all records were burned in a fire. That works in all the women-in-peril stories I read.

Love,
Bustie
bunnyb
Change your name to Sarah Palin and you may not have to fake your death.
treehugger
Well, you need to start hoarding lots of cash. Lots and lots of it. Then steal a car, drive to Boston or some college town...the steam tunnels are nice warm places to sleep at night. Students are giving, kind, people and may even offer you a place to stay. Or at least some spare change. Just stay off the upholstery.

culturehandy
Bunny, that.fucking.rocks!!!!
mouse
dear slip-not,

i suggest hanging around sketchy areas of town until you witness a murder possibly with some sort of mafia involvement. testify at the trial and voila, witness protection program.

xo
mouse

dear bustie,

i go to trivia nights every week with a dude i've had a crush on for ages. it's not going anywhere, but it's also not going away. one of our worst categories is "movies". a guy who i had a crush on ten years ago (and possibly may have residual crush attachment to) has just moved to town, and he just so happens to be the biggest movie buff i've ever met. should i invite him to trivia, knowing that he would bolster our scores quite well? or should i keep the two men as far as possible from each other? or should i just suck it up and own the fact that no matter who i crush on, i never end up with them in any way shape or form anyway, and bring him on for the good of the team?

xo
mouse (literally)
girltrouble
dearest mouse,

get those fellahs together! what's more i think you ought to get them together literally-- get really drunk the first night, and tell them both very loudly how sexy it would be if they would make out together in front of you. be sure to use lots of great little terms like "peckerchecker" guys love that. while you're drunk, be sure to pump them for info like "if i was gonna puke, would you hold my hair so i don't get it all over?" and then inform them that you are going to be heading to the bathroom to test their answer. be sure to yell "whooo! i am sooooo drunk!" as often as you can. i'm sure they will both find they have terrible crush on you by the time you are done, plus, you'll win the trivia contest too, and maybe witness some hot boy on boy action!
deschatsrouge
Dear Mouse,
You should invite those guys for a threesome. Invite both of them for game night, and flirt with both. At the end of the evening tell them both you want to be double teamed. If they don't accept stomp around and throw a tantrum like a three your old until you get your way. If they still refuse, stalk them.
sybarite
Invite Previous Crush along, then sit in front of both of them tying knots in cherry stems with your tongue. Later, suggest they arm wrestle over who gets to take you home.
crazyoldcatlady
dear mouse:

death. match.

love, cocl.
Ronia D'Arc
Um, how do you do this? I'm completely new to this whole chat/forum thing.

Like, is anyone there? Is ANYONE THERE???

Haaaallloooooooooo, is anyone there? Can you heeeeaaar me?

Ok, girls, or non-girls if you're not a girl, I'd like to introduce myself:

My name is Ronia D'Arc--I'm a 34-year-old mommy of one child (a tomboy). I'm married to a man who can be wunderbar at times but who also at times makes me want to put my head in the toilet and flush, flush, flush away.

I work as the executive assistant at a library--it's great but also not great. In fact, right now it's not great at all. Right now I hate it. I hate being an executive assistant. I hate opening interoffice envelopes. I hate wearing conservative clothes. I hate pretending to care when I don't care.

But I like the library--no, I love the library. I am a book-y person, ie kind of weird, so I fit right in with all my book-y (weird, in a lovable way) coworkers. That's what I like about my job--my coworkers.

But what am I doing? I didn't come here to bore you with these boring details about my boring work life! I came to ask you to visit my blog, Ronia D'Arc Tells The Truth. (http://roniadarc.blogspot.com)

I'm asking you to visit my blog because it's an anonymous blog (I'm using a pseudonym) and so I can't tell my friends or family about it. I don't have any readers except for my husband, and he only reads it because I force him to.

Soooo...I have no real readers. And I need someone to read my freaking blog. Please, please read it. Just one sentence of one paragraph of one entry. PLEASE!! I will be ETERNALLY GRATEFUL!!!


Ronia

P.S. I AM DRIPPING WITH TERRIBLE ADVICE
girltrouble
dear bustie,

i get seriously pissed off when stupid people cut and paste stupid, STUPID STUPID posts. how should i calm myself? should i picture them with a hand grenade up their ass, or something more violent?

thanks,
girl, angered
mouse
dear angry girl,

i think this sounds like an overenthusiastic potential bustie rather than a troll. i pm'ed her, so hopefully she'll learn. in the meantime, here is a mojito, a valium, and a foot massage wink.gif calmed down?

xo
mouse
girltrouble
dear mouse,

thank you for the thoughtful reply, but 5 other cut and paste posts that fucknut left makes me think she's not interested in being a bustie, she just wants people to read her lame blog, and give her a good rating. she just zzzzzzzz........ zzzzzzzzz........... zzzzzzzz........ zzzzzzzz........ zzzzzzzz........ zzzzzzzz...... zzzzzz.....zzzzzzzzz... sorry. reading her blog made me groggy.
where was i?

oh yeah.


i still want to put a grenade up her butt. how can i make myself feel better? i've tried lovely mouse made mojitos (the best mojitos, really, she is so very brilliant!), valium, and a foot massage. i even hit myself in the brainsis to kill the pain of reading her blog, still images of 'pulling the pin' swimm in my head.

help,
girl, volcanic
tesao
dear girl, volcanic,

revenge is a dish best eaten cold. no grenades. poison her slowly. make her think she's the one who is going insane.

if that doesn't work, shoot yourself.

ta ta,

tes
kittenb
Dear Bustie,

Well, I took your advice and shot my boyfriend's cat. He (the boyfriend) did NOT, in fact, appreciate it.

Bustie, your advice SUCKS!

Now what am I supposed to do?

Sincerely,

the kitten that lived
.eilleen.
Dear Kitten that Lived,

How about sewing his testicles together?

Wait, he might enjoy that.

I say shake what your Momma gave you, and if he still doesn't respond, send him off on a pirates' ship.


With warmest regards,

.eilleen.
culturehandy
Kitten that lived.

How about a nice cup of shut the fuck up. You asked for the advice now live with it.

Or you can shank your boyfriend and make sure he's actually dead. then feed the body to some sharks.

auralpoison
Directions courtesy of NBR, Kitten.

Step one:
Attack when you know he's asleep
Aim for the heart and drive the blade deep
Step two:
Cut off his fingers to work this effectively
Bury the head and the body separately
Step three:
Remember never open your mouth
Then the worms crawl in and the worms crawl out

All jaunty-like, dig?
lilacwine13
Dear Bustie,
My life sucks right now and I want to kill the pain using some sort of substance. I've narrowed it down to two, weed and booze, but now I'm trying to decide which would be better.

See, the booze would be tastier, and legal. But I like stoners better than drunks, and I'm less likely to make a fool of myself stoned. Plus, there's no hangover.

So which is it, or should I just skip both and go straight to the heroin?

--decisions, decisions
girltrouble
dear dd,

why not kill two birds with one stone? do what i do. fill your bathtub with your favorite hooch, and roll yourself a fattie. then invite your stoner friends over to watch you take a bath. it's fun and entertaining.


treehugger
dear bad advice bustie:

my conservative republican cousin won't stop sending me neocon emails. Like pictures of soldiers praying, and telling me to boycott Citgo gas because they hate America. What should I do?
girltrouble
dear tree.

i'm so glad you posted this. i have had the same trouble and i tried being a peace loving lefty to no avail. the one thing i did find that worked was an old saying i'm sure your familiar with: if you can't beat them, join them.

tell your cousin that you agree with everything he says, so much so that you want to come over and visit. once there, spout every republican wacko view you've ever heard at the top of your lungs. be a complete ass, eat all of his food, never clean up after yourself, put your feet up on the couch, and shoot up the living room with your cousin's guns. if he disagrees with you, shout him down telling him that if he disagrees with you, he's: 1)unamerican, 2) unpatriotic, 3)letting the terrorists win, 4)a pinko lefty feminazi, 5)an illegal who's snuck over the border to take your place on the couch. never let him get a word in edgewise. take all of the money out of his wallet, food from his fridge, and anything else you can think of because they are all signs of terrorism to have these things, start to spy on him because he might be a terrorist.

if none of these things work, and he turns out to be more of a right winger than even you thought, then pull out all the stops, and do some extraordinary rendition, kidnap him and take him to an exotic country, and torture him. have fun. i understand waterboarding is a gas. demand information that he couldn't possibly know, then put him in a small cage and have dogs attack him naked in a pile of your other gop relatives. if he still feels slightly righty, then lock them up and throw away the key, because by now he's a terrorist for sure.

problem solved!
shinyx3
OMG! GT that is the best advise i have read in years!
girltrouble
thanks super shiny!

i'm glad you think so, although, my uncle aloisius might not agree. although, i doubt he could say much. heh. and even if he did, well, nobody'd hear it.

*sigh*

oh he was a funny one. you know that dave chappelle skit where the blind black guy is in the kkk? that was uncle aloisius.... minus the blindness of course. he would listen to rush at full volume, and swear he sounded like the voice of god. (which is really creepy if you stop to think about it.) i can't say he enjoyed our trip to cuba, but i sure did. the things you can do with a good cuban. and i'm not talking about clintonesque things. hey... wanna hear something ironic? aloisius lilius-- the guy my crazy uncle was named after? created the gregorian calender. heh... he'll be mulling that over for a good long time. well, him and the dogs....
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