Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: Maybe Baby?
The BUST Lounge > Forums > Friends and Family
Pages: 1, 2
dayglowpink
Well, my BF and I have broken up, so now I have other issues to deal with. I guess now I have admitted that I want a baby, but now I'm terrified to be one of those baby-crazy mid-30's women who's obsessed with meeting someone just to have kids. I've decided that if I get to age 37 with no prospects, I will start working on getting artificially inseminated. In some ways this breakup gives me a bit of hope, because I know that I will be strong enough to be up front if I date other guys and will try to find someone who really wants a baby with me, too. Now I don't have to struggle with working this out with my ex. Of course the breakup is really hard and painful, but it's the right thing for both of us.
likeanyother
(((dayglowpink))) I'm sure you must be going through a lot of mixed emotions about it, but congratulations on making a very brave decision to go after what you really want.

My boyfriend and I are sort of in a limbo regarding future/commitment/children. He knows what I want, I've made it very clear. Now I'm just giving him time to figure out if he wants the same thing. It sort of sucks that I'm in this position, sometimes I really resent the fact that I have to like 'entice' him into wanting to start a family with me, when I honestly don't even want to have a family with someone who doesn't want one with me, it's a weird self-perpetuating cycle. I just turned 30 and while I'm not ready to have a family right at this point anyway, I know there's a certain amount of planning required once it becomes a real possibility. It's so easy for the years to slip by, damn biological clock.

Anyway, it's helpful to hear everyone's stories and to feel like I'm not alone in this. I'm inspired by your story dayglowpink, please post updates on your situation.
kittenb
{{{dayglowpink}}}
samiam
Well, I guess the baby thing is off the table... I went away for a few days to ski with friends, and left the BF home to work. Came home last night and something was off about the apartment. He had changed the sheets, shoved all my stuff off the top of my night stand and from next to my side of the bed into the closet, and every picture with me in it was moved. Then i found the condom wrapper.

He didn't deny it.

stargazer
(((dayglowpink)))

(((samiam)))

wtf for both of you. seriously. i'm speechless. i'm so sorry to hear about this news. sad.gif
kittenb
{{{samiam}}}

I didn't have much time to post last night for dayglowpink, but what the hell?! I hope you two are both taking care of yourselve as best as you can. sad.gif
Persiflager
(((dayglowpink and samiam)))
samiam
Thanks. I am just numb right now. Thank god for good friends. I stayed with a friend last night, although even with two benadryl and a glass of wine I couldn't sleep. This hurts.
stargazer
(((samiam))) I'm glad you were able to stay at a friend's place. Feel free to keep posting here or in the committed thread or moving on thread...just vent away. My heart goes out to you. sad.gif
nickclick
(((samiam)))
what a stinky piece of chicken shit for not coming clean and breaking it off first before doing this. please, as star suggests, vent away. sounds like you've got a good friend IRL but you've got us here too.

(((dayglowpink)))
you won't be baby-obsessed; more like focused in identifying someone who also wants a family. and that will be an attractive quality.
ketto
QUOTE(stargazer @ Jan 3 2010, 09:52 AM) *
(((dayglowpink)))

(((samiam)))

wtf for both of you. seriously. i'm speechless. i'm so sorry to hear about this news. sad.gif


My thoughts exactly. (((dayglow and samiam)))
auralpoison
Whoa. What a cowardly, piece of shit thing to do. What Star & Ketto said in spades.

(((((Samiam)))))

(((((Dayglowpink)))))
samiam
Thanks everyone. I am a little overwhelmed with my next steps, but at least I got a little sleep last night (with the help of a friend's lorazipam prescription). He was supposed to come get all his stuff yesterday, but never showed up. I got a couple of texts saying that we would talk today. Offers from friends throughout the country to come get me and take me away make me feel like I am worth something again, and dinner with the same friends who put me up two nights ago was wonderful. Last night I slept on the fold-out in the living room because I want nothing to do with our bed now that he has soiled it. I threw out the sheets that were on it when he brought her here.

The worst part is that I am going to miss him. I actually have been looking on JDate, not because I think that I am in any place to start dating anytime soon, but I needed to know that there were men out there. I am not very excited about being judged on my looks in a thumbnail picture again, but what choice do I have? Before any of that can happen I need to figure out where I am going to live. He just texted and said that he will be by at 7 to get his stuff and would like it if I was not here.
kittenb
Pardon me if this is too much anger but
QUOTE
He just texted and said that he will be by at 7 to get his stuff and would like it if I was not here.

who the fuck does he think he is that he gets to set parameters now?! I bet you would have "liked it" if he hadn't been such an unforgivable POS who fucked someone in your goddmaned bed?

Seriously, if you don't want to be there, don't be there. But I see no need for you to inconvience yourself because he feels uncomfortable. He SHOULD feel uncomfortable. mad.gif
auralpoison
OMG! That was my immediate response, too, KittenB! Seriously, if it were me, I'd be giving him the evil, uncomfortable fucking eye the whole time he gathered his gear up. And if he punked like he did yesterday? All his shit would be in a box sitting outside the apt door & the locks would be changed. See how he likes having his fucking trust violated!
kittenb
Sounds like he needs the Bustie Bitch Brigade to have a "talk" with him about how this is going to be.
samiam
You're all right, I should be here. Finally got through to my dad to talk about all this (my mom tends to block him a little, even though she is of no help whatsoever when I am upset, and he is) and he agreed, I should be here. I should probably have someone else here, too, but I don't know who to ask. Everyone has already done so much for me in the last two days.

My dad helped me make a few decisions, the biggest being that I should give myself permission to stay here in San Francisco or the Bay Area generally. I belong here and running away to Colorado or New England to live with generous, wonderful friends is only going to make me more antsy. I also give myself permission to stay in this apartment until at least the end of February, even if the landlord will not negotiate on the rent (haven't heard back yet). I can cover one month on my own and it will give me time to wrap my head around moving. I don't want to move more than once if I can help it. I have lived out of my truck before, and it sucks. I also give myself permission to buy a new bed. I will not sleep on this mattress again and he is taking it. I gave my mattress to my brother when I moved in here, and I won't ask for it back. I am going to buy a new one and I am going to buy all new bedding to go with it. I deserve that. I give myself permission to go forward and take the trapeze and aerial arts class that starts tomorrow. I hesitated because of the money, but my dad helped me have perspective on it and it is not all that much in the long run, especially when compared to how excited I am to try something new and possibly meet new people.

I cannot thank everyone enough for how supportive you are being. This sucks, but knowing that others are as angry as I am makes me feel better in some twisted, evil way.
auralpoison
Girl, right here, right now: I will buy you a new bed. Seriously. Word is BOND. There's got to be a Mattress Mart, I will call my friend Mike & have him help you. Fucker owes me.
nickclick
i propose a Bustie Bitch Brigade (love it, kittenb!) collection towards new bedding for samiam for plenty of future restful, happy sleep and hot, non-baby makin' nookies. ap, really do you have a mattress hookup?
samiam
You are all amazing! I went out and spent a lot of money on a nice mattress last night that not only is more eco-friendly than most, it comes folded up in a box that let me take it home and use it right away (keetsa.com, check it out). I still want to buy sheets and a new duvet cover, and I might be bad big sister and take back the down bed I lent my brother when I moved in with cheating scumbag who didn't like it. I plan on making my bed my nest, and not letting anyone with a penis into it for a long, long, long time.

Here's an interesting fact: while I have an army of wonderful, incredible, beautiful, amazing, supportive (not enough adjectives to describe you all and all my IRL friends) people surrounding me, he had NO ONE to help him move last night. He could not find anyone with a truck (and he works in the trades, everyone has a truck) willing to help, and he was left to move everything himself with his Toyota Corolla. The irony is that I have a truck, but I'll be frozen in hell before I help him move the bed he used to cheat on me. By the end of the night, when it became obvious that I will be living with his stuff for another few days, at least, I offered to let him borrow it. He commented that I was only doing that to get him out as quickly as possible. Well, yeah?! Of course I want him out!
ketto
(((samiam)))

Good for you! You deserve everything you've given yourself permission for and more. What a scumbag!
nickclick
yeah get all remnants of that stinking bag of scum outta there asap. your new nest awaits!
auralpoison
A pox upon his new digs! A pox, I say! May he have bedbugs, weevils, fruit flies, roaches, pigeons fucking outside his windows & a neighbor with yappy dogs or a foulmouthed, very vocal parrot!

May yours be blessed, cozy & ready for eventual new, kind, dependable, sexy, awesome peen!

You likes duvet? Niiiiice duvet!
samiam
A pox! I think that he is couch surfing and stashing his stuff at a friend's warehouse. It seems to be his preferred method of life, the dirtbag mode. Almost everything in the apartment was mine, or was acquired by me or for us at my request. I paid for and shopped for almost everything, and sometimes would ask for money.

I love that duvet's quality! I think that I want something bold and interesting to counter the lack of bed frame and white walls. I need to be me again. My bed has always been my refuge, even when it was in a tent, my truck, on the floor of a friend's house... I gave that up when I moved in with him, and tried to convince myself that that was ok. It's not.

So, maybe baby? yes. Now I just need to recover and find a willing accomplice before I turn 40. I will be 34 a week from Thursday. yeah me.
stargazer
Huzzah samiam!!!

**does snoopy dance**

Many continued strength vibes for you as you move on with your life. Good riddance to the x-factor! smile.gif
dayglowpink
(((samiam))) That sucks majorly. I don't know what else to say. I understand the part about missing him despite him hurting you like this. I also understand about wanting to know what else is out there. I am in no way ready for another relationship, but some parts of me would love to jump right into something new to be able to go back to having a companion and avoid some of the hurt. It probably wouldn't be in my best interest in the long run, though. Maybe if nothing else pans out we can do an east coast/west coast sperm donor search together. tongue.gif
nickclick
well a comfy duvet and other new bed accoutrements all sound like good birthday presents! do something awesome.
dayglowpink
How's everyone doing? Any changes or new insights? I'm making it, I guess. Just trying to focus on one day at a time. I've been in contact with my ex more, which I know isn't a good idea, but I'm having a hard time resisting. dry.gif I need to break things off so I can move on and date other people.
kittenb
I haven't been on Bust in awhile due to very limited internet access. But stuff has happened for me in this conversation.
A few years ago, I had to have a myomectomy to remove a fairly large fibroid. At the time, I had no symptoms from it which is how it got so big without me knowing it was there. This surgery required the doctor to basically give me a c-section minus the fun of having a baby.
Anyway, that was about 3 years ago. Now, I think I might have another fibroid growing. In November, I had a period that arrived early and lasted 2 weeks and, this month, I had a period that also arrived early and lasted 9 days. As I am on the Nuva Ring, I don't think that my cycle should be so irregular and it is very unusual for me to go that long.
Neither a fibroid nor a myomectomy mean that I cannot get pregnant. However, the scar that I already have on my uterus makes it likely that I will need a C-section to deliver. And, if I have another fibroid and another surgery, that means 2 scars on a uterus that is getting closer and closer to 40. Miscarraiges become more likely after two surgeries.
Thinking about all of this started making me very scared so I had to talk to The Geek about it all. It kind of poured out w/o warning, almost overwhelming him. unsure.gif But the end result of the conversation is that he would be okay with adopting a child if I (or medical science) decide that I cannot have a healthy pregnancy.
This took a load off my mind. Adoption doesn't have to happen as RIGHT AWAY as pregnancy was begining to feel. I like the idea of it and it was nice to hear him say that he is open to having children.
I have a doctors appointment on Thursday. Hopefully I will have some idea of what is happening in my body by then. Thanks for reading all of this.
dayglowpink
Wow, kitten, sounds like a relief. I'm glad you guys were able to work that out and that your guy was supportive when you were having a rough time. Sorry you are having to go through the possibility of having another fibroid, though. That sucks.
stargazer
(((kittenb)))
samiam
((kitten)) so sorry to hear that you are in pain. Will be thinking of you!
kittenb
Thanks ladies, for your support. Samiam, I'm not in any physical pain, although 9+days of bleeding is not damn picnic. dry.gif
It all feels very abstract. I could be wrong, there might not be a fibroid. And if I am right it still doesn't mean for sure that I would have a hard time with a healthy pregnancy. Hell, I don't know. rolleyes.gif There was a large measure of relief, though, in hearing that he would be open to adoption. We can do that in a few years. Pressure was removed from me just hearing that.
My doctors appointment is Thursday morning. I'm seeing the woman who did my first surgery so she knows my history and I trust her opinion. After my appointment, I am planning on seeing a silly romantic comedy and eating ice cream. By chance I even have a therapist appointment scheduled for that afternoon. I figure that all of my basis are covered if I get upsetting news.
anarch
from Ask Metafilter: Did you always want kids and then at some point change your mind?
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.
Invision Power Board © 2001-2014 Invision Power Services, Inc.