Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: "I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore": ducks, the taliban, life, the universe and everything
The BUST Lounge > Forums > As the World Turns
Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
totomoto
Dog for Sale

Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Oriental street name, Ho Lee Schitt.

sukouyant
QUOTE(totomoto @ Jun 24 2010, 08:50 PM) *
Yes!

Tango: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWxcVyBRecE

I have not been able to find Venetia.

Glad to meet anyone from the old days.

Pull up a chair anytime.

I've been out looking at boats - need more room than the one I have.



Yeah it's cool to see oldbies around and I wish Venetia would pop in again.

I'm getting that this is the say anything chaos theory thread, but

QUOTE(totomoto @ Jun 30 2010, 08:56 PM) *
Dog for Sale

Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Oriental street name, Ho Lee Schitt.


you need some better material!

http://i.imgur.com/KzXe4.jpg
totomoto
Sukouyant,

You are right - but it made me chuckle. I am limited in that my home IP has been banned by Bust, so I have to post at work. Y'all are missin' out. smile.gif



Unplanned photo shot - caught by accident

http://www.dgrin.com/showthread.php?t=170849

A year
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhqzW97_47w

Parking Solution
http://www.woehr.de/en/projekte/budapest_m730/index.htm

Dog vs Vuvuzela - dog wins!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gqv4Vviod0c

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast,
The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

"That laundry is not very clean", she said.
"She doesn't know how to wash correctly.
Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,
The young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a
Nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:

"Look, she has learned how to wash correctly.
I wonder who taught her this."

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and
Cleaned our windows."

And so it is with life. What we see when watching others
Depends on the purity of the window through which we look.








A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged.

The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, "Momma, look at the bowlegged man!"

Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment.

For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play.

Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time.

So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"

sukouyant
QUOTE(totomoto @ Jul 7 2010, 03:32 PM) *
Sukouyant,

You are right - but it made me chuckle. I am limited in that my home IP has been banned by Bust, so I have to post at work. Y'all are missin' out. smile.gif



Come have pun with me in the pun thread! http://www.bust.com/lounge/index.php?showt...mp;#entry261372

What's the story with that anyway? *almost scared to ask* Have you been saying unladylike things to the powers that be? Or are you a disruptive fundie xtian in disguise?


totomoto
QUOTE(sukouyant @ Jul 8 2010, 12:05 AM) *
What's the story with that anyway? *almost scared to ask* Have you been saying unladylike things to the powers that be? Or are you a disruptive fundie xtian in disguise?


When I came thru the door I stated not being able to start a thread was "barbaric" (hyperbolic jest) AP chastised me, TG thought I was the old Toto. I made another joke that didn't sit well with AP and TG was sent over to jump all over me and then the fur flew. I told them the rule of this thread, that they didn't realize what they were like, and then ignored them. I insisted on this being a sanctuary from the rule enforcers and that anybody can do whatever they like here.

I am supposed to be some wild beast. I just posted interesting internet things and jokes. After months they wiped the thread clean of all the postings and banned my IP.

I won't be able to post until Monday I think.

Best Card Trick Ever

http://biggeekdaddy.com/humorpages/Humor/BestCardTrick.html


sukouyant
QUOTE(totomoto @ Jul 7 2010, 09:17 PM) *
When I came thru the door I stated not being able to start a thread was "barbaric" (hyperbolic jest) AP chastised me, TG thought I was the old Toto. I made another joke that didn't sit well with AP and TG was sent over to jump all over me and then the fur flew. I told them the rule of this thread, that they didn't realize what they were like, and then ignored them. I insisted on this being a sanctuary from the rule enforcers and that anybody can do whatever they like here.

I am supposed to be some wild beast. I just posted interesting internet things and jokes. After months they wiped the thread clean of all the postings and banned my IP.

I won't be able to post until Monday I think.

Best Card Trick Ever

http://biggeekdaddy.com/humorpages/Humor/BestCardTrick.html



That's a bad scene. It's easy for things to get mis-interpreted and blown up rapidly online (on both sides). Internet socializing leaves a lot blanks to fill in - "that is its blessing....and its curse!"
totomoto
QUOTE(sukouyant @ Jul 9 2010, 11:41 AM) *
That's a bad scene. It's easy for things to get mis-interpreted and blown up rapidly online (on both sides). Internet socializing leaves a lot blanks to fill in - "that is its blessing....and its curse!"


I agree that is why I toned down, deescalated, and just stood my ground. But I think banning my IP is indicative that something is amiss. They can unban my IP if they want.

nice shot of Octopi
http://i.imgur.com/xMlXb.jpg

Crazy Eddie's Brain
http://crazyeddiesbrain.blogspot.com/2010/...my-opinion.html

Sharktopus
http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2010/07...s_is_coming.php

Saskatoon
http://img341.imageshack.us/img341/387/nex...epotatoes.jpg...

Solar Eclipse in Argentina
http://www.spaceweather.com/eclipses/11jul...ne-PyykkAp1.jpg

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:


You have to love this lawyer........


A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.



(Actual reply from FHA):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows: (Actual response):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803 , the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S.ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella.

The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus 's expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA.

I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"


The loan was immediately approved.


(This is an Urban Legend in various forms over 50 years.)

------------------------------------

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies Johnny.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the effin' difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

auralpoison
TPTB really blocked your home IP, Totomoto? Huh. That's interesting. I noticed when the "Toto" profile/all associated messages got wiped, but I also noticed that your original handle was reinstated at the same time, so I assumed they were just cleaning the slate. I was unaware it was a stealth banning of sorts. Cripes, just one more reason for people to not feel good about coming here.
sukouyant
The whole banning IP for mysterious reasons surprises me not at all. You should be reinstated Toto.
stargazer
Sukouyant, re-read what AP just wrote. While the username Toto may bebanned, Toto is still being able to post just using the "totomoto" username. Hence, the continued post in here. The whole TPTB versus Toto story is false or you can view the current posts as a complete disregard for the TPTB. Read through the archives. You will read why myself and others felt that toto was and is acting like a troll.
totomoto
QUOTE(sukouyant @ Jul 16 2010, 09:50 PM) *
The whole banning IP for mysterious reasons surprises me not at all. You should be reinstated Toto.



I agree. I don't understand why, after months of harmless posting, I was banned. Have to run, have a good weekend. I'm headed up to Oxnard to look at another boat.
totomoto
QUOTE(auralpoison @ Jul 16 2010, 05:51 PM) *
TPTB really blocked your home IP, Totomoto? Huh. That's interesting. I noticed when the "Toto" profile/all associated messages got wiped, but I also noticed that your original handle was reinstated at the same time, so I assumed they were just cleaning the slate. I was unaware it was a stealth banning of sorts. Cripes, just one more reason for people to not feel good about coming here.


Yep. It got banned. No, Totomoto is an old alternate from the days when everyone would get dropped out of the database. Some frisky ladies would log in as me and post all kind of junk all over the board. smile.gif It was funny. I used this alternate until they gave me back my username. I ended up apologizing to people for things I never wrote - it was just a lot easier than explaining over and over and over and over and over again what happened.
totomoto
QUOTE(stargazer @ Jul 17 2010, 12:40 AM) *
Sukouyant, re-read what AP just wrote. While the username Toto may bebanned, Toto is still being able to post just using the "totomoto" username. Hence, the continued post in here. The whole TPTB versus Toto story is false or you can view the current posts as a complete disregard for the TPTB. Read through the archives. You will read why myself and others felt that toto was and is acting like a troll.


I wouldn't be able to post if I didn't have an alternate email addy from work. They just didn't know about Totomo. I suppose they could have done a search, but that is work. smile.gif

Wondering why you are banned is disregard for the TPTB. Let me ask you a question. Did you actually see all those posts that got wiped out as troll posts?

totomoto
Busted!
http://i.imgur.com/QtpEu.jpg

Legalizing Cannabis

http://i.imgur.com/EDpz7.jpg

Great Impersonations

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJdFtmTET8w



It was announced today that Buckwheat, of 'Our Gang' fame, has converted to the Muslim faith and has changed his name to Kareem of Wheat.


The Amazing Lyre Bird

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjE0Kdfos4Y


Sid the inventor is struggling through Birmingham New Street railway station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, "Have you got the time?"

Sid sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to four," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Sid brightens a little.

"Yeah, it's not bad. I've been working on it for a while. Have a look at this..." - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 200 largest cities.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says, "The time is ten fourdy seven AM," in a New York accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Sid continues, "I've put in regional accents for each city." The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Sid. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of central Birmingham appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by GPS," explains Sid. "View recede ten," he adds, and the display changes to show the entire West Midlands.

"I want to buy this watch!" gasps the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says Sid. "But look at this!" and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little digital radio receiver, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 metres, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, an audio player capable of storing voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I've only got 32 of my favourites in there so far," says Sid.

"I've got to have this watch!" insists the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready-"

"I'll give you £1,000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than-"

"I'll give you £3,000 for it!"

"But it's just not-"

"I'll give you £5,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a large wad of fifty-pound notes.

Sid stops to think. He's only put about £3,500 into materials and development, and with £5,000 he can make another one and have it ready for marketing in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes counting out the money and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. £5,000. Take it or leave it."

Sid abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute!" calls Sid after the stranger, who turns around warily. Sid points to the two suitcases he's been trying to drag through the station. "Don't forget your batteries."
totomoto
One view of what the over abuse by the troll police is like:

http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010...ar-the-creeper/

I like this one:

http://wimp.com/dolphinbubbles/

Patient Creativity

http://i.imgur.com/70qth.jpg

Dick Cheney is recovering from heart surgery in the hospital. I understand Fox sent flowers, and MSNBC sent a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese.

totomoto
Let me introduce myself. This is a link to my home board. Look down the list and you'll see Totalapse1, #22. There are 70,000 names registered at the site, over a thousand posts a day, and I don'tr know how many lurkers.

http://boards.fool.com/BestOf.asp?topwhat=rat

But over here I am considered a troll, and banned.

Shortest holdup

http://dotcomjoe.com/clips/Shortest_holdup.wmv

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands.

"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."


Thanks Doc!

http://artbns.com/thank-you-doctor/

totomoto
iPhone New Feature

http://johns-jokes.com/joke/of_the_day/iPh...ew_feature/1916
totomoto
Mark Twain

If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.


Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.


History does not repeat itself, but it rhymes.


If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.


Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.


"I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it."


Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.


There ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.


All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.


Whiskey is for drinking. Water is for fighting over.
A Century Later, Los Angeles Atones for ...


Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.


Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.


Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.


A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.


Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.


Every generalization is false, including this one.


Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear, and the blind can read.


In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination.


Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.


A classic is something that everybody praises and nobody has read.


It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.


America is built on a tilt and everything loose slides to California.


You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.


Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.


Truth is more often stranger than fiction.


A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.


What gets us into trouble is not what we don't know. It's what we know for sure that just ain't so.


I have found solace in profanity unexcelled even by prayer.


I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.


America is a nation without a distinct criminal class with the possible exception of Congress.


Tomorrow is the yesterday of two days from now.


In the beginning of a change, the patriot is a scarce man; brave, hated, and scorned. When his cause succeeds, however, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot.


Some men worship rank, some worship heroes, some worship power, some worship God, and over these ideals they dispute and cannot unite -- but they all worship money.


The test of any good fiction is that you should care something for the characters; the good to succeed, the bad to fail. The trouble with most fiction is that you want them all to land in hell, together, as quickly as possible.


The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.


I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.


I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices.


Wagner's music is better than it sounds.


Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.


Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned.


The citizen who sees his society's democratic clothes being worn out and does not cry out is not a patriot but a traitor.


I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.


France is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because they live in France.


I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.

Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.


Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.


He is a stranger to me, but he is a most remarkable man -- and I am the other one. Between us, we cover all knowledge; he knows all that can be known, and I know the rest. On Kipling.


It does look as if Massachusetts were in a fair way to embarrass me with kindnesses this year. In the first place, a Massachusetts judge has just decided in open court that a Boston publisher may sell, not only his own property in a free and unfettered way, but also may as freely sell property which does not belong to him but to me; property which he has not bought and which I have not sold. Under this ruling I am now advertising that judge's homestead for sale, and, if I make as good a sum out of it as I expect, I shall go on and sell out the rest of his property.


Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.


It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.


Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.


There is something worse than ignorance, and that's knowing what ain't so.


If you don't like the weather in New England, just wait a few minutes.


If you would have your fiction live forever, you must neither overtly preach nor overtly teach; but you must *covertly* preach and *covertly* teach.


Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.


The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. California


Land of religions, cradle of human race, birthplace of human speech, grandmother of legend, great grandmother of tradition. The land that all men desire to see and having seen once even by a glimpse, would not give that glimpse for the shows of the rest of the globe combined. On India.


There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjectureout of such a trifling investment of fact. Estimate of the total annual deposition of silt by the Mississsippi R.


The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.


Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it thousands of times

They did not know it was impossible, so they did it!


Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.


I've never killed a man, but I've read many an obituary with a great deal of satisfaction.


Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.


When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.


Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.


The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.


Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.


The loud little handful will shout for war. The pulpit will warily and cautiously protest at firstThe great mass of the nation will rub its sleepy eyes, and will try to make out why there should be a war, and they will say earnestly and indignantly: "It is unjust and dishonorable and there is no need for war." Then the few will shout even louderBefore long you will see a curious thing: anti-war speakers will be stoned from the platform, and free speech will be strangled by hordes of furious men who still agree with the speakers but dare not admit it ... Next, statesmen will invent cheap lies, putting blame upon the nation that is attacked, and every man will be glad of those conscience-soothing falsities, and will diligently study them, and refuse to examine any refutations of them; and thus he will by and by convince himself that the war is just, and will thank God for the better sleep he enjoys after this process of grotesque self-deception.


It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.


Never let your schoolin' interfere with your education.


It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.


Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.


Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes time and annoys the pig.
sukouyant
Someone sent this to me last night and it gave me a chuckle as well as reminding me of someone else haunting this thread.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_9ks36c549BI/TF2T...2_7619833_n.jpg

I really and truly, Fuck, him.
pepper
Those MT quotes are so great! How did one person get so amazingly brilliant in a single lifetime is what I want to know...

The last pic is pretty laugh.gif
totomoto
http://kronikle.kidrobot.com/pencil-tip-mi...-dalton-ghetti/

Micro pencil suclptures

Souk - I have to wait til I get home. Picture is blocked at work. sad.gif
totomoto
finally saw your picture. Great one! Haven't ahd my home laptop. Started spammin' everyone. took it in. they cleaned it up, but it must ahve been in the mail on AOL, becasue it kept working. Changed my password and cleaned up. Hope that is it, otherwise will have to drop that email addy.

Invisible Monkey

http://buzz.yahoo.com/buzzlog/93924?fp=1

A Kentucky girl sent an email to Ask Abby. "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet; do you think my brother is queer?"

Rethinking Einstein: The end of space-time

Since Horava published his work in January 2009, it has received an astonishing amount of attention. Already, more than 250 papers have been written about it. Some researchers have started using it to explain away the twin cosmological mysteries of dark matter and dark energy. Others are finding that black holes might not behave as we thought. If Horava's idea is right, it could forever change our conception of space and time and lead us to a "theory of everything", applicable to all matter and the forces that act on it.

http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg2072...ime.html?page=1

Could be the end of string theory, our current conception of black holes, and lots more. Interesting stuff.



This week in 1861, the first federal income tax was instituted to pay for the Civil War. These days, we don't worry about that kind of stuff. Our wars are paid for by our grandchildren






totomoto
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."



2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.



3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."



4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with-- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.



5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"



6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."



7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."



8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."



9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).


10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."


Old Footage of VJ Day in Hawaii

http://www.acontinuouslean.com/2010/08/14/...august-14-1945/


Palin was excited about her new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. She travels to a remote part of Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right afterwards, there was a tap on her shoulder and she turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Palin decided to accept the latter alternative.

So the black bear has his way with Palin. Even though she felt sore for two weeks, Palin soon recovered and vowed revenge. She headed out on another trip back to remote Alaska where she found the black bear and shot it dead. Right afterwards, there was another tap on her shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to her.

The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Palin. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again, Palin thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death.. So the grizzly has his way with Palin.

Although she survived, it took several months before Palin fully recovered. Now Palin is completely outraged, so she headed back to remote Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it. She felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on her shoulder. She turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at her and said, "Admit it Sarah, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"



The Traditional Marriage...

Over a summer of research, I learned a lot of surprising facts about the history of marriage and weddings, but by far the most shocking discovery of all was that the tradition of marriage-as-we-know-it simply did not exist in those days. Almost everything we have come to associate with marriage and weddings -- the white dress, the holy vows, the fancy cake and the birdseed -- dates back a mere 50 or 100 years at the most. In many cases less.

It turns out that marriage, in days of old, was a barbaric custom which was little more than a crude exchange of livestock at its most civilized, and a little less than ritualized abduction at its worst. That's why you'll find no reference to white weddings in the Bible, or the union of one man and one woman. Because up until fairly recently, there was nothing religious about it.

http://archielevine.blogspot.com/2008/11/t...-tradition.html



This is an article worth reading.

http://www.readersupportednews.org/opinion...a-class-worrier

Here is an excerpt:


he decline of America's middle class can be charted directly. In the three decades after World War II, the median wage (smack in the middle) grew rapidly, right along with productivity gains. Even as late as 1980, the richest 1 percent of Americans received only about 9 percent of the nation's total income.

But starting in the 1980s - and increasingly since then - the economy has made the rich far richer without doing squat for the vast middle. The median hourly wage has barely grown, if you take inflation into account. Indeed, it dropped in the last so-called "recovery" between 2001 and 2007. And health-care and pension benefits have declined; we've gone from defined-benefit pensions to do-it-yourself pensions, while health insurance premiums, deductibles, and co-payments have skyrocketed.

Meanwhile, the rich have been getting a larger and larger portion of total income. From 9 percent in 1980, the top 1 percent's take has increased to 23.5 percent in 2007. CEOs who in the 1970s took home 40 times the compensation of average workers now rake in 350 times. Financiers who forty years ago made only modest fortunes today, even after the Great Recession they helped bring on, routinely earn seven and eight-figures. In 2009, when most of the nation's middle class was deep in recession, the 25 best-paid hedge-fund managers took in an average of $1 billion each. (Their marginal income tax, by the way, was barely over 17 percent, while the typical family paid a marginal tax far higher.)


totomoto
"Yesterday on his TV show, Glenn Beck said, 'We must get down on our knees and pray.' I tried that, but he was still on the air today, so apparently it's not working."

http://themondayfunnies.com//hh_r_08-16-2010/

totomoto
http://themondayfunnies.com//hh_s_08-23-2010/

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches
and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let
the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about
evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to
the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off
of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro
at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which
the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his
money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you.
You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you
bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."


http://i.imgur.com/uifAe.jpg

Biology Paper
totomoto
Modern Woman Magazine

http://tinyurl.com/248fbeg

Woman Parking

http://funnyandcoolvideos.blogspot.com/201...an-parking.html
totomoto
So, this 'One Laptop Per Child' thing Obama is talking about..... Where do I drop off the child and where do I pick up the laptop?

10 Drugs Not to Take While Driving

http://funnyandcoolvideos.blogspot.com/search/label/germany

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman
Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put
On a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a
Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said,
"A Chihuahua? They gave me a f.........g Chihuahua?!"
totomoto
Tea Party T Shirts

http://i.imgur.com/1pWX5.jpg

Get'em while they're hot!

The Known Universe

http://www.bitoffun.com/fun-stuff-known-universe.html

Card Trick

http://www.bitoffun.com/video_vault/great-card-trick.html
totomoto
Should you remarry?

http://dotcomjoe.com/0915f2

Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London .... After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Google map: RE\ead Steps 56 & 70


http://maps.google.com/maps?f=d&source...ie=UTF8&z=3

You Tube, Twitter, and Facebook have announced plans to merge.

The new company will be named YouTwitFace
totomoto
Microsoft Word

http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kyhrxzBN...z527qo1_400.jpg

Richard Dawkins on the pope equating atheism with Nazism;

http://richarddawkins.net/articles/518808-...#comment_518842

'This statement by the pope, on his arrival in Edinburgh, is a despicable outrage. Even if Hitler had been an atheist, his political philosophy was not based upon atheism and had no connection with atheism. Hitler was arguably (and by his own account) a Roman Catholic. In any case he enjoyed the open support of many of the most senior catholic clergy in Germany and the less demonstrative support of Pope Pius XII. Even if Hitler had been an atheist (he certainly was not), the rank and file Germans who carried out the attempted extermination of the Jews were Christians, almost to a man: either Catholic or Lutheran, primed to their anti-Semitism by centuries of Catholic propaganda about Christ-killers and by Martin Luthers own seething hatred of the Jews. To mention Ratzingers membership of the Hitler Youth might be thought to be fighting dirty, but my feeling is that the gloves are off after this disgraceful paragraph by the pope.

I feel like bombarding every newspaper in Britain with letters of protest.

I am incandescent with rage at the sycophantic BBC coverage, and the sight of British toadies bowing and scraping to this odious man. I thought he was bad before. This puts the lid on it.'



http://i.imgur.com/xJ15z.jpg

911 Call:

911 Op: What's the emergency

Caller: Send help quick, my son swallowed a condum.

911 Op: What's the address?

Caller: Yadda, yadda, yadda

911 Op: The EMT's are on their way.

Three minutes later

911 Op: What's the emergency?

Caller: It's me again, cancel the EMT's I found another condum.

totomoto
http://yeli.us/Flash/Fire.html

Haven't seen it yet, but the reaction is good.

Likewise this one - free vertigo.

http://io9.com/5639113/the-scariest-video-...ever-watcheence

A couple was dining at an upscale restaurant when a stunningly beautiful young woman walked over to their table, gave the husband a long, openmouthed kiss, then told him she'd see him later as she sauntered away. The wife was furious, threw her napkin on the table, and said to the husband, "Who the HELL was THAT?"

"Oh," said the husband as though everything was normal, "that was my mistress."
"I've had it!" yelled the wife. "This is the last straw! I'm divorcing you."
"Well," said the husband, "I can understand, but if you do, that'll mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in the Bahamas, no more summers in the villa in Tuscany, no more Porsche in the garage, and no more tennis club. Your call."
Just then, a mutual friend entered the restaurant with a beautiful young woman on his arm. "Who is that woman with Eric?" asked the wife. The husband replied, "That's his mistress."

The wife calmed down, put her napkin back on her lap, smiled, and said, "Ours is prettier."


Men who lack adult supervision:

http://themondayfunnies.com//hh_v_09-20-2010/
totomoto
Always take life with a grain of salt...

plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

http://themondayfunnies.com/hh_w_09-27-2010/

Time to Dance


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYL3j27sSH8

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"


"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. Thats a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"


"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."


"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."


"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."


"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."


A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"


"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."


"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."


"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who mucked up your hair?"

totomoto
First Picture on the Web

http://musiclub.web.cern.ch/MusiClub/bands.../firstband.html

What? You were expecting Al Gore?

http://funnyandcoolvideos.blogspot.com/201...vs-student.html

Kid fotos

http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/...-who-creatively

And read Epi in the travel thread.





totomoto
What if Famous People had Jewish Mothers?

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
" This you call a smile, after all the money your father and I spent on braces?"

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
" I don't care what you've discovered, you still should have written."

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
" Why can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off of the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"All right, if your're not hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
" Again with the hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
" Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
" Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and go to sleep!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"But it's your senior photograph! Couldn't you have done something with your hair?"

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
" That's a good story! Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years!"

BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"At least Monica was a nice Jewish girl!"


Friends

http://pics.kuvaton.com/kuvei/cat_parrot.jpg

Can't see it , but it gets a good response: Radio Flyer Car

http://www.ktuu.com/news/ktuu-radio-flyer-...0,1784245.story
totomoto
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb..

(Now that's more like it !)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.Heck!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig..)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the...?)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm.... ...)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing)


A cat's urine glows under a black light..

(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out . )


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure..

(What about that pig??, Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

-------------------------
I'm giving up pork.

http://www.wimp.com/swimmingpiglet/
------------------

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but weve decided to give the Norwegian the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, " And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, 'I dont know.' You put down, Neither do I.
--------------------
Small Garage Parking

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cgMQdB5S2A
--------------

Linguists have discovered a new language spoken by a remote tribe in India that's understood by only 1,000 people. I believe the language is called "tech support."
-------------
Can't see this one, but there is a good response:

http://dotcomjoe.com/clips/TheRedSparrows.wmv
------------------
Redneck Haiku

Beauty
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps

Remorse
A painful sadness
Cant fit big screen TV through
Double-wides front door

Options
Unemployments out.
Hey, maybe I can get on
Disability

Blaze
Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verns been playing with
Gasoline again

A New Moon
Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess well gig some frogs

Exuberance
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil

Alone
Seeking solitude
Carls ex-wife Tammy files for
Restraining order

Desire
Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
you are my cousin

Offerings
Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Jimmy Swaggert

Drama
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
At 9 OClock

Deprived
In Wal-Mart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants rassling doll
Mama whups his ass

No Signal
White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; satellite dish
needs new descrambler

Impounded
Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino

Gathering
In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man

Pride
Grinning, he displays
The nine hundred beer cans
Filling pickup bed
-------------------

How pumkin pies are made

http://twitpic.com/q19jf
---------------
A stark naked, drunken Australian woman, jumped into a vacant taxi in down town New Delhi .

The Indian driver was immediately beside himself
and just kept on staring at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

What's wrong with you mate, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?

I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you that would not be proper where I am coming from".

"Well if your not bloody staring at me mate, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."
----------------------

Wolves

http://vehiclevideo.blogspot.com/2010/10/w...on-highway.html

--------------
A German travels to Paris by plane. In the airport, at the ID check desk, the
French officer, looking at Germans ID, asks him, "Occupation?". The German
answers, "No, no, no! Just visiting."

----------------------------
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.


I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you,. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify ____________:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check with their finger when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
----------------------------
I am not sure what this is

http://i.imgur.com/1vdlo.jpg

---------------------
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior.. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."


"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother..
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the f**?!@# putt, didn't you???
---------------------------
Dog Saviors

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmB_foyYuas

totomoto
The Substitute Teacher

Having served his time as an Army commando, a man got a job as a
part-time teacher in the toughest neighborhood of the city. But before
school started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster
cast around the upper part of his body.

Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't even noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned as a substitute
teacher to the rowdiest class in the school. Walking confidently into
the noisy classroom, he opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took a stapler and stapled
the tie to his chest.

Nobody gave him any lip the rest of the day.
---------------------------
She got Balls

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WwacQQChaE

------------------------------

Although they won last weekend...

The Texas State Police are cracking down on speeders heading into Dallas.

For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Dallas Cowboys

Q. What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q. How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?
A. Old

Q. What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody remembers.

Q. What do the Cowboys and a possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

------------------------
Things you can say only on Thanksgiving:

01. Talk about a huge breast!

02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

03. It's Cool Whip time!

04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

05. That's one terrific spread!

06. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

07. Are you ready for seconds yet?

08. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

09. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
-----------------------------------
London:

http://www.360cities.net/london-photo-en.html

-------------------------
Golf Shots have names now:

A 'Rock Hudson' - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't.
A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another.
A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand.
A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water.
A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed.
An 'O.J.'- got away with one.
A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver.
A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver.
A 'Condom' - safe, but didn't feel very good.
A 'Brazilian' - shaved the hole.
A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a little to the right.
A 'Nancy Pelosi' - Way to the left and out of bounds.
A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's impossible to read.
A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out.
A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist.
A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees.
A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole.
A 'Tiger Woods' - wrong hole.

------------------------------------
Astiornomy

http://www.flixxy.com/hubble-ultra-deep-field-3d.htm

---------------------

http://i.imgur.com/v2X3F.jpg

--------------------------
Mandatory Retirement Age

http://dotcomjoe.com/1112f1








totomoto
Dour hands, One guitar

http://www.wimp.com/fourhands/

-------------------------

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....



2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"



3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,

"Who was THAT?"



4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"



5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.



6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

"What's it about?" he asked.

"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."



7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"



8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."



9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."



10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."



11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."



12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."



13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."



14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!



15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

----------------------------
Japanese on TSA

http://videosift.com/video/Japanese-TV-mocks-TSA-security

---------------------------------
Four guys Make one woman happy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQSMlnJo36g

---------------------------------

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NtOKxG2lfQ...feature=related

-----------------------------------------
Nationa Geeographics Photography Contest

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2010/11/n..._photograp.html

-----------------------------------
A Father-Son Moment

http://dotcomjoe.com/clips/rockettooth.wmv



------------------------
sparkledust710
I am posting this in most of the threads here because this is a serious issue that does need attention.
Please everyone click the link and sign the petition.
http://www.change.org/petitions/view/south...pe_a_hate-crime

"Corrective Rape" is a term used to describe when a male rapes a lesbian with the aim of 'turning' her heterosexual! This heinous crime is prolific in South Africa, especially in the "townships". Most of the victims are tortured, grievously assaulted and sometimes murdered! The South African government and justice system are failing the victims of Corrective Rape by letting the perpetrators out on ridiculously low bail, and taking literally years to bring the court-cases to a conclusion. In the meantime the victims have to live with seeing and being taunted and threatened by their rapists every day, as do those who help the victims!

In the last 10 years:
*31 lesbian women have been murdered because of their sexuality
*More than 10 lesbians a week are raped or gang raped in Cape Town alone
*150 women are raped every day in South Africa
*For every 25 men accused of rape in South Africa, 24 walk free

This is very serious and people of the world need to come together and stop this injustice from continuing to happen.
http://www.change.org/petitions/view/south...pe_a_hate-crime
archegonia
sparkledust: i saw that earlier today and was *floored*. it made me want to do quite the opposite of "be corrected". it'd be nice to "correct" them somehow. uuuughh.

i posted this on my face book and thought the whole world would "like" it. its the kind of good news i long for daily, i'm quite sure you gals will like it:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/jan/1...n-girls-schools

Anne_Ecdote
died november 2009
a few hangers on
spearss91
QUOTE(totomoto @ Dec 6 2010, 08:15 PM) *
Dour hands, One guitar

http://www.wimp.com/fourhands/

-------------------------

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,

"Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

"What's it about?" he asked.

"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

----------------------------
Japanese on TSA

http://videosift.com/video/Japanese-TV-mocks-TSA-security

---------------------------------
Four guys Make one woman happy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQSMlnJo36g

---------------------------------

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NtOKxG2lfQ...feature=related

-----------------------------------------
Nationa Geeographics Photography Contest

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2010/11/n..._photograp.html

-----------------------------------
A Father-Son Moment

http://dotcomjoe.com/clips/rockettooth.wmv
------------------------



Thanks for sharing this youtube videos...
qaz999
Always believe that good things are possible, and remember that mistakes can be lessons that lead to discoveries. Take your fear and transform it into trust; learn to rise above anxiety and doubt. Turn your "worry hours" into "productive hours".While taking new york asian escort my boat new york asian escorts down the inland waterway to Florida a few weeks ago, I decided to tie up at new york escort Georgetown, South Carolina, for the night and visit with an old new york escortsfriend. As we approached the Esso dock, I saw him throughYou will find happiness when you addopt positive thinking into your daily routine and make it an important part of your world.

toto5
What happened?
toto5
Adios. Thought everyone enjoyed this thread.
toto5
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sifDmYLuMfY
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.
Invision Power Board © 2001-2014 Invision Power Services, Inc.