Jan 2 2013, 09:03 AM
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a
German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an
Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,
...Walk into a fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the matre d', after scrutinizing the group.
"You can't come in here without a Thai."
Jan 21 2013, 06:04 AM
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Jan 23 2013, 03:01 AM
Government Researches crow behavior - fascinating
The facts: They recently found about 200 dead crows near Boston and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
In doing the research, they had a bird pathologist examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed that the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks and only 2% were killed by impact with a car.
The Government then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist at Boston College to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kills. The Behaviorist determined:
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah, but could not say "Truck."
Jan 23 2013, 09:28 AM
LETTER to the EDITOR-- MINNEAPOLIS STAR TRIBUNE
Let's look at what we have learned from this election: Twenty-one of 22 incumbent senators were re-elected, and 353 of 373 incumbent members of the House were re-elected. The American people have re-elected 94 percent of the incumbents who were running for re-election to an institution that has an approval rating of about 9 percent. This indicates, as an electorate, we are a nation of idiots. We're now stuck with the useless, dysfunctional government that we deserve.
Jan 25 2013, 01:41 AM
Q: If someone from the 1950's suddenly appeared today, what would be the most difficult thing to explain to them about life today?
A: I possess a device, in my pocket, that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look at pictures of cats and get in arguments with strangers...
Feb 2 2013, 04:23 PM
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Feb 5 2013, 03:13 AM
I understand that the NFL is planning to hold the next Super Bowl at a Motel 6.
Because at Motel 6, they keep the lights on for you.
Feb 13 2013, 05:26 AM
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Mar 7 2013, 10:37 AM
"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," he said.
She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and
pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a hundred dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," he said.
She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her
skin tight pants and pulled out a crumpled hundred dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
Fully intrigued and aroused, he said, "No."
"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."
Mar 7 2013, 09:58 PM
Religion is like having a classroom where the students have to show up every day...
But there is no teacher...
There are a bunch of textbooks around...
No one is sure which is the right textbook to study from...
Some students argue for one book; others argue hard for others...
Fistfights have broken out over which textbook is the right one...
Suddenly, on a random day, the teacher shows up...
He says he's been watching everyone in the room the whole time...
He praises the handful of students who picked the right textbook, and he sends them off for ice-cream parties and a free car...
Everyone else he sets on fire.
Mar 8 2013, 04:35 AM
Pilot father shares discipline technique
Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'
Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior. I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.
I've included a photo of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...http://www.taurusarmed.net/forums/attachme...ildairplane.jpg
Mar 12 2013, 10:46 AM
Food Spoilage Test
What to throw-out and what to save!
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt.
Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.
Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese.
Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.
Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
It never spoils.
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet.
Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.
Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.