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ananke
It's a huge bloody rollercoaster, the conception thing. It's hard and awful sometimes and there are days that you just want to hide under a rock. And that's all okay and normal, even if that doesn't make you feel any better Zelda. There are days where it just hurts because it should just happen and it just seems so so hard. All you can do is be zen - accept and move on. And I'd be pissed off if something Mr A chose to do was making him less fertile, even if it was something I didn't have a problem with otherwise - because now it'd be making a difference.

But yeah, it hits you hard sometimes. And all you can do is roll with it and move on when you can.
julie124
(zelda)
ananke's right, it's an enormous rollercoaster once you decide you want to have a baby. It's perfectly OK not to feel all happy and hopeful all the time. (And for that to turn on a frickin' dime....we're only human.) It's OK to want, and to feel sad and angry and scared when what we want doesn't come when we want it. Cynthia Kaplan wrote this great essay about when she and her husband were trying to conceive in which she said, "Suddenly the worst thing that could ever happen to you becomes the worst thing that could never happen to you." (She also mentioned that fact that as soon as you start trying to have a baby, suddenly it seems like everyone else in the world is pregnant except for you. So true.) Hang in there, dear, we're all pulling for you.

You too, Michelina! Hoping the spotting was a momentary thing...we'll see...

ananke, so sorry about the headache...I hope it subsides soon. I have to say, your story about NerdBaby kicking the monitors made me laugh out loud!
eyelet
Let me join in the moody and depressed chorus. And I'll throw in a dose of mean and grumpy. I am frustrated with everyone in my life for treating me exactly as I've trained them to treat me--like a tough, self-sufficient, trooper of a woman. It's true that if you always seem really capable, no one ever thinks to ask you if you need help.

My partner is trying, but he still doesn't get how this feels. He comments on things I haven't finished doing around this new cottage (like boxes left unpacked and plants sitting unplanted in the beds, I guess because that's not like me to leave undone) and he doesn't seem to realize that every fucking day I get up and go to work at one of my multiple jobs and by nighttime I'm barely able to feed and wash myself. Here's the part where us not living together is getting tricky. I need help on the home front now.

I'm paying the price for choosing an artistic, self-employed, uninsured, alternative lifestyle, with a man who is so gender equality oriented, he hasn't grasped that I need him to step in and do some rescuing. I don't care what job he chooses-he can work more so I can work less, or he can have more of a nurturer role so when I get home I don't have to do any more. But he has to realize I'm faltering. I'll talk to him about it again...it's just that it's hard to have a serious conversation when you're tired and just want to veg in front of the TV. I'm too tired to ask for help with my tiredness!

And he's not the only one--my friends and family are also assuming I've got this all under control. Why couldn't I have been one of those girlie girls that people just automatically scramble to take care of?!

Ceasing rant.
Michelina
Well, I got my period.

(((Zelda))) If it helps, I think I know how you feel. I guess all we can do during this process is ask for support, feel negative when we need to, and try to keep as positive as possible. You don't need to apologize for your post - that's what we're here for! I might be back on here in a bit doing the same. Luckily I'm at work right now and have a distraction.

I'm glad I am going out for drinks with Mr. M and some friends this weekend. A much needed distraction.
zelda
(((Michelina))) trust me when I tell you that I know how you feel. I know you feel it, too. I can only repeat what you've said to me...hang in there, stay positive...sigh.

Julie, I read that Cynthia Kaplan essay moons ago and it didn't resonate with me because having a baby was the furthest thing from my mind...I need to go back and read it again.

Ananke, thanks for the kind words...and eyelet, your rants are welcome here anytime! :-)
zelda
Okay, so I just went and reread that Cynthia Kaplan essay and burst into tears! (In kind of a good way.) She totally explained how I feel right now.
ananke
Ugh, the self-sufficient thing. I had a shitty shitty night - NerdBaby wasn't moving much and I got worried and the headache was bad and my legs were twitching and Mr A was just sleeping (that BASTARD) and I felt like crap. And when I woke up she wasn't moving much again and I just burst into tears. Then I yelled at Mr A for not taking this seriously and thinking I'm over-reacting. And cried some more. He pointed out that there's a difference between not taking it seriously and trying to get me to cope in a more constructive way (i.e. CALM DOWN). So then I burst into tears again, rolled over and she kicked the shit out of my liver. Then he lectured me on the adrenaline/endorphin/oxytocin thing and I yelled at him again. So he made a happy playlist for the drive to work - it had the Simpsons 'See My Vest' song. But all I want is to NOT have to be thinking about all of this crap, not having to wash up or cook or make lists or think about the million things we've got to do yet.

And my stupid wallet broke. *snarls*

((Michelina and Zelda)) it really is a rollercoaster. But yeah, hang in there and roll with it.
zelda
Oh ananke...reading your post and then thinking about my post and Michelina's posts makes me realize what an insane roller coaster the whole THING is....from the very beginning just trying to get knocked up to about to give birth. And then of course a whole new roller coaster begins.

I don't have the words to make you feel better other than just try to take it a day at a time (barfs in mouth a little at the corniness of her own advice).

Right about now is when I would try to cut and paste some inspirational quote about women and humanity and how we are all the fountain of life and shit like that...if I were that kind of girl. ;-)
ananke
Or, I could freak out massively about the seriously stomach pain I got last night and go to the hospital at 3am and....

find out I no longer have high blood pressure, there's no protein in my urine anymore, NerdBaby is doing fine, my BHs are mild and I shouldn't eat pizza again until after she arrives.

The crazy thing is that the pain was crazy bad (up there with snapping my wrist) and I still have this damn headache, but apparently my blood pressure has gone down to it's normal low. So I'm ecstatic about that (in a tired sort of way) and that we're slowly gettting stuff done. We bought a car seat today, I bought a sling and a few books online yesterday and we're sorted for the clothes/blankets buy either tomorrow or next weekend. I'm slowly feeling less overwhelmed by it all.

Mind you, I do wish Mr A understood how hard it is just to do things like put stuff in the bottom drawer or get stuff out of the dryer, or even just wander around the shops. After a while my legs start hurting and I'm just. so. tired. He's so used to me being awkward that he doesn't realise how much MORE awkward it is for me to be this big and unbalanced and tired with it.
ananke
Oh, and to make everything more fun - the specialist nursing and maternity bra place DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING THAT FITS ME. I couldn't even get a goddamn fitting, I'm so freaking 'blessed'.
zelda
Oh ananke, what a night!

I cringed when I read pain like getting your wrist snapped...jeez...I'm so glad the blood pressure is low, but you sound so uncomfortable right now. At the same time, it sounds like you got a few important things done...just a bit at a time, and it should be all right. I know it.

Can you special order a maternity bra for your "blessings"?

I had a moment yesterday after work...a good friend/coworker and I went out for drinks...she's a real sweetie, and I know she meant well. Anyway, she knows we're trying (again, I should have kept my mouth shut). Well, she asked how that was going and I mentioned how hard it is, taking temps, etc....and she did the whole "relax and it will happen" speech. (I swear to God, if I hear that one more fucking time...)

Anyway, after a few drinks she revealed to me that she'd terminated a pregnancy when she was 15 which occurred when they were both stoned *and* he pulled out...the kinds of pregnancies that only happen to unprepared 15 year olds. I was supportive about it (and she's not traumatized about it), but it makes sense that she would have that perspective that it's super easy to get knocked up.

Then she delivered the line that really makes women who are trying to conceive nuts..."Well, you can always adopt."

I'm totally pro-adoption (Mr. Z is adopted), but it's not like you can just walk down to your local Healthy Baby store and pick up an infant! Plus, it totally negates the craving some women have to just experience pregnancy.

I was calm through the whole thing but when I got home I was pissed...

Whatever...I am so oversensitive lately. And now my parents are coming for a visit and Mr. Z and I have to clean the entire fucking house! Argh! Oh well, at least it will take my mind off the 2WW.
julie124
(((ananke)))
I cringed, too, to hear about the pain you were experiencing. You did the right thing to go to the hospital. I am glad to hear that NerdBaby is OK and the BP and protein in the urine has resolved itself, but that pain sounds...excruciating. I'm so sorry.

My preggo friend's husband has been reading the pregnancy books voraciously and recently said to her, "Wow, I never knew all the stuff that pregnancy does to a woman's body." And as empathetic as I'm sure your mr. tries to be, even after "getting it" on a mental level he'll never truly understand how it feels to be in your body right now. That's gotta be hard on you.

Stupid maternity store. Frickin frackin....blerg. I don't know if this helps, but one of the books I was reading recommended iMaternity.com - apparently they have some good bras for those with greater "blessings" there. But I just hate it when you go to a store and they don't even carry your size. So infuriating.

zelda, I'm kind of incredulous that your friend managed to hit all the "things not to say to someone who is trying to conceive" greatest hits. Quite an accomplishment. And you're right, anyone who has looked into adoption realizes that even if you're OK not adopting an infant, that it's not "fill out this form and your child will arrive in 6-8 weeks." Good for you for keeping your cool - as we know, people usually mean well, they just don't realize how something like that sounds when you're on the other side of the table.

I am glad that I got to see the little bean on screen this week, because if I hadn't I think I might be having a major freakout, ie "am I still pregnant?" I'm just going to try to be thankful for feeling good so far. I need to call next week to make my appointment for the first trimester screen if we're going to do it. I think so, just need to talk it over with mr. julie this weekend AND find out how much my health insurance will cover (as it's done by the antenatal department of the hospital rather than my OB). I have a bad feeling that the answer will be, "not much," but we'll just see. I reminded myself today that the important thing is to stay healthy, and the bills will be what they will be. Maybe it just means we'll hit that $2,500 deductible for maternity sooner rather than later.

On a completely frivolous topic, mr. julie and I hit a big multi-family garage sale early this morning and I scored one of those fancy diaper bags (Petunia Picklebottom), brand new with the tags still on for $35! Which doesn't sound like a huge bargain, but since new they are $100 or more...I was pretty psyched. It's a lovely print, too. mr. julie also picked out a couple of books to add to the bean's library and we grabbed some cloth diapers/burp rags as well.
funnybird
Zelda, I'm proud of you for holding your tongue. It's funny how the well-meaning things that people say - which probably sound perfectly reasonable if you're not trying to conceive - drive you crazy when you are. I've experienced "my boyfriend only has to wink at me and I get pregnant!" and the doctor's "you're young and you have plenty of time". Grrr!

Ananke, I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering. All I can offer in the way of comfort is that it will be over soon (which is probably one of the cliched platitudes I've just been bitching about. Sorry.)

I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself right now. Yesterday I went for what I thought was my final scan to confirm that everything was okay down there post-miscarriage. I was lying on the table with my feet in stirrups and the ultrasound wand up my wazoo when the sonographer started frowning and asked me if I had heavy periods or irregular bleeding. She'd found what looks like either an endometrial polyp or left overs of what is charmingly termed "products of conception". Now I have to wait for two periods to pass and go back for yet another scan, to determine whether it's the former (which will require surgery) or the latter (which should have cleared by then). I'm frustrated, confused and generally pissed off. Not being the sharpest crayola in the box, I couldn't come up with any decent questions while the doctor was telling me all of this; I just sat there nodding dumbly, but now I'm full of them. If this polyp (if that's what it is) is such a hindrance to my fertility, how did I manage to get pregnant before? If I need surgery, how long will it take to recover? Why do I have to wait so long? Why have I never had any symptoms? (My periods are regular. I don't think they're unusually heavy, but the how would I know? It's not like my girlfriends and I regularly discuss how many tampons we get through). I'm starting to feel like my uterus is a big can of worms. During the last scan they found fibroids - just tiny ones that apparently won't affect my fertility - but I wish I knew why there was all this weird stuff growing inside of me. Can't I just have a baby in there instead?

Sorry for the rant. I wanted to be able to try again as soon as possible. I know I have try and see the positive side; the doctors just want my womb to be as healthy and hospitable as possible, and I ovulated again already (confirmed by the scan) so I know that my cycle is back on track and I should get my period soon. I know that many other women have it so much worse and have many more obstacles to deal with than this. I just keep thinking back to myself 6 months ago, when I thought that having unprotected sex a couple of times and maybe doing a few handstands would be all that it took. Sheesh! If only I'd known...

Julie, hooray for cheap baby-gear! Nice to have some happy news.
zelda
I just love coming on here and reading everyone's rants. It makes me feel less nuts.

Julie, GLAD you got all that cheap baby gear. That is totally my plan...buy used or resale. Mr. Z and I already pretty much do that now for our own stuff.

I am wondering what my insurance will cover as well...I guess I'll need to call if that day ever comes. Dumb ass US health care system...

Funny, I know how frustrating and scary everything must seem...however, from what you wrote, it does seem like something that can be corrected. I know how frustrating it must be to just feel like you have to sit around and wait for answers...

Have you considered taking someone with you to the doctor next time? (Or any time you go in for something serious.) I have done this before because there's something about being in the doc's office that makes me go completely mute...and then I'm in the elevator (lift?) and realize I have 200 questions I never asked. The other option is to write your questions down.

I think you should call next opportunity you have and ask these questions over the phone. Maybe it's because our health care system is so messed up over here, but over the years as a person who has and who has not had insurance, I have learned that we must become our own advocates and *demand* information as opposed to just being shuffled off like a good little girl. Sometimes this takes being a bossy patient, but it's your body.

I am sure it's going to be all right (cliche alert! sorry)...I do. I really do. And keep focusing on the positives...you've conceived once...you are ovulating, etc. Still, I know it's tough.

I woke up this morning and ate a huge bowl of blackberries then about 10 or 20 minutes later felt sick and threw them all back up. But I think it was the blackberries, not anything else. I'm 9 dpo and gassy and hungry, but other than that, nothing. Just to tempt fate, I bought a bunch of tampons today when I went shopping.

Blerg....it'll happen when it happens.
jenny_dreadful
Julie, so glad to read about your doctor's appointment - how incredibly exciting that you got to see the little bean! I'm happy to read about that, plus it's very interesting that the baby's measurement suggests you're further along!

I had my first appointment on Monday, and I have to say I'm a bit disappointed! I got booked in for my delivery, and chose the hospital where the baby will be born, but there was no examination! The doctor just asked when my last period was (1st March), told me how pregnant I was, prescribed me high dose folic acid because my cousin was born with spina bifida and that was pretty much it! I just sit tight now until I get an invitation for my 12 week scan, and will get all my notes etc then. It feels like I don't become officially pregnant until then!

So I'm 9 weeks pregnant tomorrow, but I am still struggling with believing that I am - simply because nobody else has checked me out! The doctor just said if I hadn't had a period and I'd had a positive pregnancy test, then I was definitely pregnant.

I've been feeling quite pukey this week, though no real being sick, and my boobs still hurt - I am sort of relishing these feelings as confirmation that I am really knocked up! I'm also feeling a bit of something when I feel my belly. It's not a bump, but there's something going on underneath my podgy belly.

Zelda, I did that same thing the month I found out I was pregnant. Me and the man went to a wedding, at which point my period was 5 days late, and he made me pack my tampons, which haven't been used since, obviously!

Funny, a friend of mine who had a miscarriage encountered a similar thing when she had her post miscarriage ultrasound. It turned out that the 'products of conception' they found was the yolk sac which hadn't come away with the bleeding. When she went back after a couple of months for a follow up scan, everything was back to normal. She did have some intermittent bleeding, though.

Ananke, what a rubbish night, sorry to read about it. ((ananke))

((michelina)) how disappointing, really sorry that this month wasn't it.
ananke
Ah Zelda, that conversation sounds painful, in that annoyingly well-meaning way. Like adoption and all that are easy, or not full of their own problems and pain.

I've hopefully found a few bras online, but I'm going to ring my old bra place (up where I used to live) and talk to them. I wish I'd gotten fitted when I was up there, but I wanted to leave it as long as possible. I'll call them during the week. I'm just annoyed because they advertise as up to L cup but aren't really. So annoying.

I'm feeling a bit better today - tired and achy, but my stomach seems to have settled down. So here's hoping the BP stays down!

Funnybird, I'm sorry the scan didn't go so well. I second the writing stuff down, or giving them a call. I forget to ask questions because I get distracted, so I try write the big ones down (usually after the last appointment because I couldn't think of anything IN the appointment). It's good that your ovulation is back on track though!

Strangely enough, getting a diva cup made me a lot more aware of how heavy my cycle really is - you can measure exactly how much blood is coming out (as opposed to tampons and pads that stop working well if you've got a clot or anything like that - I so don't miss those days).

Julie and Jenny, I got the 'oh god am I really pregnant' feelings for AGES. Even after ultrasounds. It's kinda crazy, but I had a lot of trouble really accepting it as sticking around.

And go the cheap baby gear! I'm using a bag I got a while back for the nappy bag, but we went shopping yesterday and it was insane. We got the baby seat, but the rest of it was just insane. We're so going to the local department store once I know how much stuff the family have bought us. AND, most awesome of all, my sister-in-law is sending me her expresser and bottle paraphernalia! I'd decided not to think about it until after NerdBaby comes, but this makes it a lot easier. The cot and dresser should be ocming soon as well. We're slowly getting organised.
Michelina
((Funny)) Sorry to hear you got more disappointing news with the ultrasound. Why can't this whole babymaking thing just be straightforward, hey? As far as the polyp / fibroid issue, I know that it adds another worry to the list. And your questions are good ones. I like the others' suggestions about writing things down and / or taking someone else. On a positive note my SIL was having trouble conceiving (probably at least a year of trying), and then she had a fibroid removed and got pregnant right away. Maybe having a polyp removed will make the second pregnancy easier to achieve. Thinking of you...

Zelda, how are you feeling today? Recovered from your blackberry incident? :-) I have a pregnancy book that covers everything from conception to post-delivery. It has provided me reassurance to read that a woman between 30 and 35 on average conceives within 7 to 10 months of well-timed intercourse. I don't know why, but that number has made me feel really good lately. I am feeling really positive right now, and am trying to focus on the fact that this is normal (as much as I hate it!)

Jenny, I bet the next few weeks will drag a little as you'll be anticipating seeing your little bean on the screen. I am a little surprised you were put on high dose of FA considering that your cousin is a distant relative from the little bean. I am curious, how much are you taking?

Ananke, glad to hear you're feeling a little better. Fingers crossed for you that your BP stays down.

I had a crappy period and am glad the heavy days are over. I was out for dinner with the family and I actually leaked right through my jeans. Oh the joys.

zelda
My folks are visiting, so a longer post later...but Michelina to answer your question, I haven't barfed again. I think it really was the berries.

My temp went WAY down today past the coverline, but again, I think it's nothing. I didn't get much sleep last night, so I think my temp isn't reliable today.

I'm at 10 dpo and just hungry and gassy, but I really feel that way any old day. I'm starting to reach that sad part of my cycle around CD 23 or 24 where I realize I have no symptoms and I'm probably not pregnant....then I go back and read posts or emails from my friend who is PG who said she didn't have ONE symptom until she was four of five weeks late....SO.

I suppose there's always a possibility. I'm just super in tune with my body and expect that I will know somehow. Although of course I'm hoping I am wrong. The only good thing about taking a few months to conceive is that I'm less jumpy about every little possible symptom and more just like, "Oh whatever, I'm gassy, so what." My expectations are lower!

I am really, really looking forward to Mr. Z taking the Fertell test this week. I'll let you know the results asap.

Michelina, that 7 to 10 months statistic really makes me feel better. Taking Charge says after 4 to 6 months of fertility focused intercourse you should look into what the trouble might be...perhaps 7 to 10 months is more realistic. What's the book?

Erg...waiting game, waiting game...
Shugga
hi everyone! i haven't been on bust for so long. i used to post regularly as miss_shuggah. i'm back on because i'm pregnant and i don't like any of the other pregnancy boards. once a bustie, always a bustie. i'm going to go catch up now.
julie124
Welcome, Shugga, and congratulations! How far along are you? How are you doing? I hear you on not being a fan of the other pregnancy boards - nice people, but sometimes a bit much for me. Gotta love the Busties!

jenny, sorry that you have to wait longer to see the bean in action! I kinda feel like I want to see him/her as much as possible, though I understand that excessive ultrasounds are probably not a good thing. My new joke is that it was a relief to see the ultrasound because now I know I didn't just eat too many Sabor de Soledad chips (a la Liz Lemon in that 30 Rock episode). Hang in there, just a few more weeks!

I could be imagining it, but I think my boobs might be hitting another small growth stage. Righty is usually a bit bigger than Lefty but it feels like Lefty might be catching up. I'm considering whether to actually go shopping for a bigger bra now or whether to try the bra expanders and see if that covers it. My "blessings" are still rather small, so I have this vision of going to the store to try on bras and discovering that I don't even fill out a B cup...and feeling a little ridiculous. I might go ahead and let myself feel ridiculous, though.

I went browsing in some secondhand baby/maternity shops over the weekend, mostly just to get an idea of what different ones carried and what the prices on items were. Part of that was because I plan to hit the garage/yard sale circuit over the next few months and I figured it was helpful to know when I was finding a really good deal and when I might get something for cheaper or as cheap at the secondhand place. I thought I might buy a maternity top or two but once I got to the store I decided it was too early. I did wear my belly band for the first time last week, with a pair of my skinnier pants that don't fasten comfortably but go perfectly with my new (via clothes swap) tunic top. I think the band is going to make life a lot easier clothing-wise during this weird transitional phase.

zelda, I think about a week before I found out I was pregnant I realized I was completely out of pads. And I knew (having held off buying them another time and having to scavenge my purse, my suitcase, and all the various other places where I keep emergency stashes of pads) that if I wasn't pregnant I was going to be really pissed off at myself for not having supplies come period time, so I bought some. Buying the tampons was a good idea. Plus if you are pregnant, you can sort of laugh at them sitting in the bathroom cabinet: "Ha, ha, won't need you for awhile!"

I'm glad to hear you seem to be less worried about what potential pregnancy symptoms mean. Also glad that you seem to have recovered from the blackberry episode. Michelina, glad you are feeling good about the statistics right now...even for the younguns, it can sometimes take awhile. Sending both of you good thoughts.

funny, sorry about the scan. I, too, have a good feeling that it's going to have resolved itself by your next scan and all will be OK, but I'm sorry you have to wait longer.

ananke, hope you are feeling better...and eyelet, how are you doing? Thinking of you ladies....
eyelet
Long work day today and just finished a big deadline so now am rewarding myself by taking a half hour break before I clean house and do bookkeeping.

I noticed early on in this pregnancy that I would have severe pain in my nipples when I was in a hurry to meet a deadline or rushing to get somewhere on time, and now I'm getting B-H contractions during those moments. So there is definitely an adrenaline response. When I think about this delicate choreography going on in my body, it kinda blows me away.

I'm doing fine, and I continue with the complain/adapt/relax cycle that I've done the whole time. Anything new is hard, and then it eventually becomes routine. What's routine now is having this cantilevered belly and lots of contractions. Strangers everywhere are giving me the look like "any time now, right?" and more women who've done this seem to be giving me a silent "hang in there" look.

I think the frequency of these B-H contractions means I'm not likely to be overdue. Having so many the last month of the pregnancy is pretty standard, but not any earlier.

I'm finding sleep a lot easier now that I put a giant throw pillow between my legs. It balance the pressure on my hip bones and they don't wake me up with aching. I was too cheap to spring for a pregnancy pillow and realize now I probably should have. Would have saved me some lost sleep.

Just learned that one friend is 7 weeks along with her third and another friend is 11 weeks with her first. These are pretty good friends of mine that are younger than I am (early to mid-30's). I'm really glad there are some more people in my world doing this, so my kid will have some children her own age to play with and at the same time, I can actually relate to the moms. The Studio 54 friend I mentioned earlier will probably always be more my spouses' friend than mine. The latest news from her is that as predicted, she's freaking out a bit at the fact that none of her friends want to hang out with her now that she can't party. I'm not sure what she thought was going to happen--maybe that being with child would be the new black?

Am feeling optimistic today...probably because sales are up at my business, I'm rested, and I'm getting myself psyched up for a problem free birth.

Ananke-hang in there with all these symptoms. This particular stage you're in seems to bring with it a lot of new discomforts. You'll get used to them. I'm looking for a source I found for unusual maternity bra sizes and will post it when I find it.

Wishing everyone happy distractions from waiting/healing/feeling shitty.

Sabor de soledad...tee hee. Liz Lemon is my friend.
eyelet
Ananke-Here's the bra I'm looking at. Has a pretty wide range of sizes.

http://www.figleaves.com/us/product.asp?pr...0-p459025-front
zelda
Hi, Shugga! Welcome...I know what you mean about other boards...I'm not preggo yet...just trying to conceive, but I can't stand those baby dust/baby dance/TTC boards with the freaky sig lines full of babies with wings and crap like that. Freaky.

Eyelet, I know what you mean about being glad to have preg friends around you. Of course Mr. Z and I have been planning to try this year for a while, but my BFF being pregnant really makes me want to get pregnant soon so our kids will be the same age (roughly) and perfect for play dates...I think it's really important to surround yourself with likeminded people, esp. re: something like child rearing. I'm so so so scared of the soccer mommy type (I know that's a lame stereotype, but you know what I mean.)

My luteal phase temps are really low, hovering around the coverline. I really think this month was a bust, too. Sigh...too soon to tell, I guess, but I'm at the point now where I just want to get my period over with so we can start trying again...and I'm *really* looking forward to Mr. Z's results of the Fertell test...nervous, but wanting to just KNOW!
ananke
Ooh, I like the look of that bra eyelet! I rang my old place and they're sending me something when it comes in and hopefully it'll do the job and I can order a few more of them. And I'm glad you're doing better - I just keep getting stupid twitches in my left leg (I've got a bunch of nerve damage from surgery anyway, so it's never been the greatest) while I'm trying to sleep. I'm slowly getting more used to things - her movement pattern has changed a bit, with more early movement and moving earlier in the evening as well. Mind you I'm managing to need to pee every 45 min AND have heartburn this evening, so she's doing some serious stretches in there. I get the big ultrasound again this week, which will be cool AND they're replacing my hot water! I'm so happy.

But not nearly as happy as I am that my mum is coming to visit this weekend! She said she was looking at cheap flights but the silly woman sent me the invoince not the itinerary and they aren't that cheap, but she knows I'm freaking out a bit so she's coming down with my sister. I'm so happy about that. Discomfited by how much she's spending, but happy she'll be down here for a few days.

i've got my fingers crossed for you Zelda!
ananke
And Shugga, I totally know what you mean - this is the only place I go apart from the due date club on LJ and I'm even over that now. Busties are just so much more sane!
Michelina
Shugga, welcome and congratulations! Like Zelda, I am also trying to conceive. We've been trying for 3 months now.

It must be really nice to have friends expecting at the same time. I had a dream last night that a friend of mine (who got pregnant the first try with both children) announced her third pregnancy. This is not an unrealistic dream. If she becomes pregnant soon, that would mean the next round of pregnancies is on its way with my friends (that's how it seems to go.) I would just hope to be part of it!

Zelda, that stat comes from a Canadian book called "The Mother of all Pregnancy Books" by Ann Douglas. It's geared toward our health care system and is very good. I think the TCOYF book, as much as I love it, makes it sounds a little too much like conception should happen pretty much straight away if you get the timing right. Crossing my fingers for you that the Fertell results are normal!

I am going to the doctor for a physical next Friday and will chat with my doctor about when she thinks we should start getting concerned.

eyelet
Welcome Shugga. I'm one of the preggos and am 8 months along. I'm finding this board to be the only tolerable one too.

Maybe one of you guys knows already if there's a dormant thread somewhere on here for the newborn phase of parenting. I know I'll need a place to vent where I don't have to edit myself at every turn.

Ananke--I love the look of that bra too, but I just read the 1 review and she didn't like it. I've always liked Goddess brand for big breasts, which I've always had. Maybe I'll order one of those and one other and send it back if it's not right for me. Let me know if you find a comfy one. Totally off topic--are you in the UK? Your vocabulary sounds like it at times, but I don't remember you saying you lived there.

Good news again on the sleep front. The Mr. and I both are sleeping better and back in the same bed. He started wearing earplugs so my pee trips don't wake him and it's working great. And I think carpal tunnel is dissipating a bit too, which really helps me rest between trips to the loo. Having rest makes it so much easier to tolerate all this.

What's the due date club on LJ?
zelda
My temp skyrocketed today and my CM got creamy, which is supposed to be a sign, so...argh! Oh, just shut up Zelda!

ARGH. Hate hate hate waiting.

Gonna go drink some wine.
ananke
I'm an aussie, so close eyelet! I'm hoping the Royce they send is good - the one I tried on that didn't fit properly seemed pretty good, so I'm feeling optimistic about the one that's hopefully getting sent soon. And rest makes everything so much better - I was really tired today and it just made life so much harder. I'm glad the carpal tunnel is settling down and you've worked out a way to sleep in the same bed. I tend to use Mr A as my body pillow, but he sleeps really heavily so that's the only way that'd work.

i'm in the june_2009 community on livejournal - we've already had two premature births from pre-e! One in April and the other was twins! It isn't terribly obnoxious, but nothing like the solidity of Bust.

That's a good sign Zelda! Hopefully this is the month, and that the wine helps take your mind off the wait.
HotRodLibrarian
Hello Ladies,
I am brand new to the Lounge, about 16 weeks preggers with my second child (my daughter Anouk is a bit over 2) It's actually my third pregnancy as I lost a baby at about 24 weeks last year. I coped remarkably well and feel a lot better this time round (all sorts of little complications and stuff last time). Although I feel very positive about this pregnancy, I cant help feeling paranoid at every pain, Suffice to say I am looking forward to getting past that 24 week mark.
I hope to make some new friends on this forum, I love BUST magazine and figure anyone who reads it must automatically be kinda cool!
zelda
Hi HRL! I love your screen name.

Congrats on your pregnancy...hope you enjoy it here...it's a combination of women who are preg and who are trying to be preg. (I'm in the latter group.) I think we are all kinda cool.

How scary to lose your pregnancy at 24 weeks...I know it must make you anxious, but it sounds like everything is going well this time. Come visit anytime.

I'm at CD 26 and finding the urge to test is not so strong this time. I think that's good. It's much easier to deal with a negative result than your period, I think...well, we'll see in a few days. The fact that I only have one expensive test in the house is helping.
zelda
ARGH!

I am SO mad.

Mr. Z and I spent $100 on the stupid Fertell male fertility test...he took it last night (after I was asleep), and the test didn't work! A light was supposed to come on indicating it was time to proceed to the next step, and it never came on.

He was SO mad.

To make matters worse, the Fertell 800 number no longer offers live support, and their "support" website they mention on the 800 number (to get a replacement order) no longer exists.

I'm beginning to question how good the test can even be if the first one is broken and the customer service is so shoddy.

Maybe this is the fates just telling us that everything is fine. I just cannot believe we spent so much money on a test, I sat around stressing about it, and now we don't even have results either way. ARGH!
Michelina
Ugh, Zelda. That's so crappy. I'd be very annoyed too and am definitely rethinking my idea to get it now. But maybe you will have your own proof that all is well this month! Sounds like some good signs. Hang in there!

HRL, welcome! I am so sorry about your loss, and wishing you all the best in your current pregnancy. What is your due date?

For those new Busties to this thread, I'd love to know how old you are and how long it took you to conceive. (I seem to be rather obsessed with people's conception time lately.) I am 31 and sometimes I feel like I've been trying forever even though it's only been since Feb!

zelda
Thanks, Michelina...I didn't get a chance to fully explain about the Fertell thing, but let me just rant and say I had a terrible morning with Mr. Z, and now I don't know what to do.

I ended up waking him up because I saw the opened test on his dresser and wanted to know the results...well, he was already exhausted from staying up late to take the test, then I woke him up, and he was furious about the test not working.

I said (trying to make him feel better) that maybe it was a sign we shouldn't worry about it anyway, and he was like, "That's not true, I know you're worried. I feel all this pressure and now I'm worried, too." (That comes out sounding mean, but he wasn't...he was just upset.)

I immediately started sobbing telling him this is exactly what I'd wanted to avoid - pressure on either of us. Then I said we should just take next month off. He was like, "That's what I mean...I don't want to think of this in terms of months. I think we should just have sex."

I told him that if we had sex 3 or 4 times a week, that would be fine. But we don't. If we continue to have sex once or twice a week like we do now, the odds are we could never get pregnant or it would take a very long time. He seems to understand the 2-3 day window each month, but it's like he doesn't fully get it.

By now I'm sobbing in the kitchen (and late for work), and I'm like, "What do you want me to do?"

By this time *he* was calming down (and I was hysterical). We basically left it that we didn't want to get another test right now, but we are going to talk tonight when I get home from dinner with my BFF. Maybe we should just take a break. Part of me wants to. I feel like I've ruined everything!!!

Before I left he was all cute and hugging me and was like, "It's gonna be all right," but I just feel like I've ruined everything. We have been together for 10 years, and he's a wonderful husband, and we have such a strong and good relationship. I feel like now everything is a mess because of TTC.

I'm a wreck.

julie124
((zelda))

You haven't ruined anything. This is hard stuff, and you're doing the right thing by talking to each other later tonight. It sounds like you've already gotten out some of the essential stuff in your conversation this morning - it's just that it turned out to be a bad time to have that conversation (because he was sleepy and upset, because you were hurrying to get ready for work).

The other thing I wanted to say may just be me projecting (because of some of my past experience with mr. julie and some of the issues in our relationship), so feel free to disregard. But here it is: It is not your job to make mr. Z feel comfy and cozy about trying to conceive.

It's good for you both to talk about your fears, your concerns, etc. It's also good for you to talk about what you each need. But it may be that what he feels he needs (e.g. to have sex whenever, not based on a particular timing window) may not quite work with what you feel you need (e.g. to get pregnant ASAP). And, as my therapist is fond of saying, that's where the "relating" part of relationships comes in - you have to figure out between yourselves how you're going to deal with those conflicting needs, whether that's taking a break for a bit, or setting a few month time limit of timing the sex and then taking a break, or some other solution. And you guys will - it sounds like you have a really good relationship and can communicate pretty well. But it's frickin' uncomfortable while you're doing it. And it's not your job to make it more comfortable for him (and it being uncomfortable and hard does not mean you're ruining anything) - that's all I'm saying.

/end therapist jibber-jabber
Sorry if I got a little, uh, family therapy on you there. And like I said, feel free to disregard. But you're in my thoughts...I hope the rest of your day goes a little better. And you know where to come if you need to rant a little more!
Fookie
Hi everyone.

I hope you’re all doing OK.

Zelda, I’m sorry you had such a crummy morning. This baby-making business has sucker-punched me a few times and the one thing I’ve learned over the past two years is that things always look better at the end of the day, especially if a glass of wine is part of the deal (or a giant Coffee Crisp if you don’t drink — or both if you’re feeling extra crummy). I’ve been lurking for too long now, so I can say that from your past posts it sounds like you and your partner will work this out and be just fine.

Michelina and others who are in “trying” mode. As someone who has been through the infertility wringer, I hope that the fact that you’re not supposed to start worrying about this until you’ve been timing intercourse for 12 months. That’s 12 MONTHS! Don’t be so hard on yourselves (I know, easier said than done).

Here’s my story:

My partner and I are suckers! Seriously. While friends and family all around us were procreating like crazy in their early 20s we were shaking our heads and forging ahead with our oh-so-sensible life plan that went something like: Graduate university; Get a job; pay off student debt; travel; save up for a house; live in house for a year THEN have baby. Well 24 months have elapsed and all our well laid plans are shot to hell. We’ve been “diagnosed” with unexplained infertility. It’s a bitter diagnosis to swallow. We don’t know why it’s not happening, we don’t know if it ever will, we don’t know when to move on with life, give up hope, hope, etc. etc. etc. And to make matters worse, after looking into adoption in Ontario we came across the horrific brick wall of “an average of eight years to adopt a healthy child.” Being that we’ve waited so long so that we could provide our child a “perfect” upbringing, neither of us is particularly keen on starting that whole journey in our mid-40s (people do it, and I think they’re incredible, but we know it’s probably not for us.) So now I am on my second try at injectables + IUI (basically my partner “shoots me up” every night in the first half of my cycle, so that I can produce extra eggs to increase our chances, and then as I’m about to ovulate I become a turkey for two days and get basted by my doc with my partner’s sperm). My brain is a constant state of : “Oh, I should be optimistic and hopeful b/c negativity will scare baby-gods away” and “this is never going to work so what’s the point!.” Or a roller coaster designed by a lunatic. That’s my brain right now!

I hope it’s ok for me to join your group. Back before we were ready to jump into fertility “treatments” I lurked on the “Childless Not by Choice” thread, waiting for treatment to start so I could join. Then the thread died. Now that treatment has started I’ve been lurking on your thread waiting for my “positive” so I could join you.

So here I am now. All the other web boards are full of strange acronyms and people who think they can wish rainbows into your brain and make it all better just by adding in a few smiley faces to their posts.
Fookie
Ha ha. I just re-read my post and realized I sound like the LUNATIC. Believe it or not people who know me think I’m handling all of this with grace and poise. If only they really knew! Seriously though, one thing that keeps me grounded is reminding myself that it could be worse, that I am healthy, have an AMAZING partner, work a great job etc. etc. etc. I am truly blessed with friends and family and know that I will be ok if I never have a baby, but dammit I still WANT ONE!

Fookie
zelda
Fookie...just a quick note (I'm at work) to say of course you are welcome here. OF COURSE.

And you don't sound like a lunatic. Hello, did you read the post about me running around the kitchen this morning hysterically crying at my husband while holding a cup of his sperm (literally)?

Julie, thanks for the advice...it really helped to read this.

More later,
xoxoZelda
julie124
Fookie, I second zelda - you are most welcome here and we are glad to have you!

I say, come one, come all, all ye who want to be pregnant, who are already pregnant, who have been pregnant before, but who would rather not sprinkle "baby dust" on people and refer to their periods as "Aunt Flo" or "the witch," who do not "baby dance" with their "dear husbands," who would prefer to discuss pregnancy, "all things good, bad and otherwise" (which includes trying to have a baby, even if the official "trying" is on hold for a bit for whatever reason) without wading through half a page of blinkies and elaborate signatures (sorry, "siggies") proclaiming oneself a "pee on a stick addict," "mother to a fur-baby," or "having fun trying" (have you seen that one? it's like the sex scene from Titanic). But I digress. (Sorry, I digress a lot.)

zelda, dear, glad to help. I always worry about veering too far into therapy-land...hope you're doing well.

Fookie, you are not sounding at all lunatic. All those hormones PLUS the regular roller-coaster of "will it work this time?" I can't even imagine. Dealing with the flood of emotions, hopes, expectations, fears...IS handling this with grace and poise.

Plus I think the line "people who think they can wish rainbows into your brain" is golden.

HotRodLibrarian, welcome to you too! I'm so sorry about your previous loss but glad that things are going well so far in your pregnancy. I know that my sister-in-law's pregnancy after her loss was really stressful for her, and there was great relief when my nephew arrived safe and healthy. She found a lot of good support through an online community and I am so grateful that she had that community to support her. Family is one thing...but family can be stressful too.
ananke
Welcome HRL and Fookie! And I'm with Julie on this - I love this place for everything it isn't.

DH? *shudder*

I'm sorry for your loss HRL, that sounds awful. A coworker was saying that with her third pregnancy, after losing her second, she would poke her son to get him to move, because she was still so nervous. I hope this goes well for you! Also, are you an actual librarian? I'm just about to finish up as youth services in a public library.

I'm also about to tell my workmates to fuck off and that they can't send me their shit to weed when I have four damn days left. But I think some of that is cranky hormones...

Fookie, that must be hard. Some friends of ours tried for a long time - one couple just had their second son two weeks ago and the others have a 7 year old and a 2 year old. The first couple did the injections and things, the second didn't. Both couple were in their twenties the whole time as well, so it does happen. I'm scared it's going to happen to a friend of mine - she's got pretty rose coloured glasses about the whole thing (she got exasperated with me at one point and asked 'is there ANYTHING positive about pregnancy then' - at that point I was vomiting EVERY DAMN DAY, so apart from the fact I was having a child, no, the experience was pretty crap all round...) and she's planned it a lot. After having close friends go through infertility and having been told I'd have issues, Mr A and I were (trying to be) prepared for things not to go easily.

We were so very very wrong, but it's a hard place to be, going by my friends. I hope it does work out for you.

Zelda, I didn't get the cup of sperm the first time round, so when you said you had it in your hand I was a little bewildered (does he always jerk off into a cup in the morning?) - that's hilarious though. Sucky about the test and the very masculine inability to understand how freaking small that window of conception is (I had almost got to the point of drawing diagrams for Mr A), but arguing with a cup of sperm in your hand? Awesome.

But yeah, Mr A just could NOT understand how few days in a cycle are actually fertile. Spending so long with the 'you touch a girl with that thing and you'll get her pregnant' mentality can make realising that it is down to days and hours and luck hard. But yeah, I was so close to drawing diagrams and graphs it wasn't funny - he kept saying 'but it happens all the time to people who only have sex once!'...

In good news, i got a scan today (and the adventures with the ob.'s receptionist were epic) and NerdBaby is doing really well and is big and healthy, apart from an ovarian cyst that they think will probably go away once she's out. So I get to have even more scans, to keep an eye on the cyst, but she's doing well in there. And my placenta is working nicely too, so I'm totally relieved about that.

Now I just need to stop thinking about work *sigh*
zelda
Ananke, the jiz in the cup was the Fertell test Mr. Z took! ;-)

Julie, I am still laughing at your perfect description of those scary TTC/pregnancy boards...I'm sorry, are we in the minority or are they? I refuse to believe that there the majority of women out there are into that...or perhaps I'm just fooling myself.

When I got home last night, Mr. Z instantly apologized for yesterday morning, saying he had "overreacted" and he was grumpy and tired and still mad about the test not working.

As much as I wanted to know the results of the test a few days ago, something about that test not working properly has changed my perspective...(everything happens for a reason and crap like that). I am taking it as a sign from the fates that I have got to relax a little bit and that most likely everything is okay, we just need some more time.

I told Mr. Z that I truly did want to wait a few more months before considering testing again...he said he was still curious, but he could handle waiting a few more months, too. So at least we know about that.

As far as the sex/timing thing, we need to talk more, although I think his comments were a result of his grumpy/tiredness...he does "get" the 2-3 days window thing, but I think it just frustrates him, too...but to his credit, he's been performing pretty much 100 % of the time multiple times during that window, so perhaps it's just frustrating.

He made a comment about "trying to get you pregnant." I think men must have a certain ego thing wrapped up in all this, even sensitive BUST-y men like Mr. Z. I never thought of it as him getting me pregnant...it was more us getting pregnant together...but I think men are conditioned to think a certain way about "knocking a girl up" and their virility, etc....so perhaps that's some of it, too.

We need to have more talks, but before I fell asleep (exhausted) last night, we promised each other we would keep talking and all would be okay.

Off to a conference all day; glad this day will be better than tomorrow (I hope!).

Ananke, glad the scan went well!
Michelina
Zelda and Ananke, I laughed out loud at the jiz in the cup comments! Having a heated discussion while holding a cup of semen really is awesome.

Zelda, I do think there is a lot of pressure on men as well - both internal and external pressure. And as much as our partners are liberal-minded and wonderful, it doesn't take away the pressures of "proving" one's virility. It's not something that's come up in discussion between us yet, but it makes me wonder if Mr. M feels that way, if only subconciously. He still has the optomistic attitude that it will happen, and we shouldn't worry about it. By the way he is still out of pot (it's been at least 3 weeks now, I think), and that makes me happy. It also reaffirms to me that he doesn't need it, just enjoys it. Just like me and that glass or two of wine.

Julie, I loved your paragraph!

Ananke, glad the scan went well. How many more weeks now?

Fookie, welcome! The idea of you sounding even a little loopy didn't even cross my mind... much less you sounding like a lunatic! Thank you for sharing your situation with us. It sounds very stressful, but you seem very levelheaded and it sounds like you have a great relationship and support system.

I am happy to see we have several new Busties lately. Our conversation represents many different preconception / pregnancy challenges and experiences.
Fookie
Hi!
I couldn't be happier to hear that none of you think I'm a lunatic. Although a small part of me likes the idea of letting myself slide into the outer real of lunacy.

I was reading your posts, Zelda, and the responses to your "cup of jizz" post. I have to say that imagining you running around the kitchen with it in hysterics brought a huge smile to my face b/c that could have been me. I love that we are all embracing the wacky, illogical, ridiculous aspects of this journey. Someone on the board mentioned that men have been told since age 10 that just touching a girl with their love rods (ha!) was liable to end them in a lifelong cycle of responsibility and misery. No wonder that "window of a mere hours" is a difficult concept for them to grasp! My partner, though a man of many modern wonders, also has a tough time differentiating that reality from my actual neuroses related to trying to get pregnant (like worrying vibrations from the motorcycle will cause the fertilized egg to fall out, or will make the sperm dizzy!).

Librarian, when I posted yesterday I was so involved with my own train of thought to nowhere that I didn't get a chance to wish you luck with this third pregnancy. Before I started "trying" I had never known of anyone who miscarried. Since I started I've known more than a few and I'm happy to report that all went on to healthy pregnancies after. I am so sorry about your loss, but so happy for your current pregnancy.

I am on cycle day 18 (or 6 days past IUI depending on how people keep track). It's too soon for me to get extra obsessive about things, but starting monday I'll probably be thinking about it a lot more. I go in for my blood test next Friday. Wouldn't it be great if finally working up the nerve to join your group was my goodluck charm? (did I just jinx it by writing that? seeeeeeee ... maybe a lunatic?).

To those of you who are pregnant, would you mind updating me on due dates? Although I've been lurking for a while, I'm not quite sure where you're all at.

Have a great night. i'll check in again tomorrow.

d.


zelda
Cup o jizz sounds like a mix between porno and soup.

Fookie, I know what you mean about getting sort of obsessive during this waiting time. I am crossing my fingers for you...the only good thing re: this drama with the Fertell test is that it has pretty much distracted me from the fact that my period is due tomorrow. And I know what you mean about jinxes...I bought a bunch of tampons this past weekend just to tempt fate. I'm pretty sure it's coming because I have no symptoms, and I'm starting to get that watery CM that "Taking Charge" says is a sign your period is on its way. Oh well, I'm used to it by now.

I've decided to stop taking my temperature. As much as it was good to see that temp shift, temping is also stressing me out, especially since I have trouble sleeping anyway. I think this month I may try the OPK strips again...it's been two months since I tried them. Since my cycle is always 28 or 29 days long without fail, I don't know that temping will really help me know when I've ovulated anymore than usual unless my cycles start getting weird.

I don't know...I know it's ridiculous that after 3-4 months I'm tired of TTC when that's hardly anytime at all, but I sort of am and the insanity with the cup o jizz sealed the deal...I feel like this coming month I'm just going to take a break. I'm a teacher, so I have the summer to relax and focus on some other things and see what happens. I had this whole idea that I would be pregnant by the end of the school year...since I don't think that's going to happen, I am realizing I need to...start thinking in a different way or something!

Argh....mentally exhausted lately!!

Hope to hear more updates from everyone soon.
zelda
Well, I woke up at 4 am to my period and couldn't go back to sleep.

I think I'm going to take May off. No charting, temping, OPK strips, counting days, nothing.

Of course, I'm torn between not wanting to "waste" a month and feeling like my mind has been so full of TTC lately, I just can't even relax.

And sure, there's that subconscious hope that "relaxing" will make it happen somehow. But this morning I just feel defeated and yet numb. Maybe a break would really help me feel better.
Michelina
((Zelda)) Crap. I understand your internal conflict between wanting to give it a break and not wanting to skip what could possibly be "your month." Try not to pressure yourself into deciding between those two right now. And you don't have to choose between the two extremes. You could still be concious of your fertile days (which you will be!) but get rid of the damn goodies. All those strips, tests, thermometer, and even books, can be stressful just to have hanging around. Maybe just tuck them all away and strive for that middle ground. Mr M. accidentally pulled my thermometer out last night by accident. I felt like, I don't even want to look at that thing!

Mr. M and I are buying a house! We are focussing on that the house is for more space while he is in school (we are in a small condo right now), but deep down we hope that one bedroom will be occupied with a little person sooner rather than later. Having the possession date to look forward to (June 25) is a distraction and somehow is making me think about conceiving less. Somehow I think that being in the house will make me want it that much more, though.

Fookie, what are some of your strategies for coping with the two-week wait?
zelda
Thanks, Michelina...I think I will follow your advice. This morning I tossed my thermometer into the nether regions of our bathroom cabinet and have plans for TCOYF as well (as much as I love it). Of course I can't help but notice my fertile time because of my CM, but I think I will just ignore all the other stuff. Months of tracking my CM and using OPK strips and now this charting has me sure I am an almost clockwork ovulator around days 12 and 13. So I will take it from there...

If anything can take your mind off TTC, it is buying a house. That process is nutty but very rewarding! Good luck and more later!
funnybird
Wow, so much to catch up on!
**Waves 'hello' to HotRodLibrarian and Fookie**

((Zelda)) That sucks. I can understand why you want to take a break. Being on one myself (imposed by the unwelcome intruder lurking in my womb) it is nice not to feel that pressure - it helps that I've been hitting the booze and caffine like they're going out of style - but it's kind of frustrating too. I think Michelina is right - she's a wise woman!

I’ve been doing some research into the whole uterine polyp thing, and for once the internet has provided useful and reassuring info rather than conflicting "advice" and terror. Apparently they can make you less fertile and can increase the chance of miscarriage by preventing the embryo from attaching properly to the endometrium (I’m wondering if this might have been what happened to me), but on the plus side they’re very easy to remove.

Michelina, that's super-exciting abut the house! I secretly love house-hunting and moving, masochist that I am. Is it close to where you're living now?
Fookie
Oh Zelda. What a bummer. I know that feeling of despair/frustration/sadness/numbness. It really stinks. I hope that as the day (or weekend progresses) you feel better and find "the hope" again. I don't know if this is nutty or if it works for other people but once I get through the first couple of "period daze" days, I start to play the "well, at least I can drink daily when we're camping" or "at least now I'll have the bulk of the warm months on our shared parental-leave if we're successful next time" etc. Re-reading this I worry this will come off as a "there's always next time" platitude, but it truly does help my partner and I to list stuff like this. And then of course it always escalates into the ridiculous like "so and so's baby was born in January and she's nuts. thank goodness we're not having a january baby," which ends up getting us back into a laughing place and soon enough a positive space.

Michelina, congrats on the house! How exciting! That's definitely one way pass some time during the two week wait. For me, the two week wait was always filled with a certain amount of hope during that first year because we didn't know we were "unexplainedly infertile" at that point. So we just kept thinking that we'd be successful any day now. And most people are, so you should definitely feel hopefull. So back then, I didn't find it that agonizing. I also had just had a sister who gave birth, and from the day she started trying she told EVERYBODY and then completely obsessed and talked about it every second of every day. She drove me nuts. My thought was "holy crap, what if they have trouble, she's going to regret obsessing so publicly about everything. Of course she got pregnant pretty much right away, and is actually now pregnant almost right away with identical twins — but that's a story for another day. So my approach from the day we started was to be super low key, not get our hopes up publicly and just expect that it probably won't happen right away for us b/c for most people it doesn't.

Now that we're on our second month of actual fertility treatment that two week wait is sooooooooooo emphasized. I'm not sure I've developed any coping mechanisms yet. At least I know without a doubt when I ovulated (they take blood and ultrasounds pretty much daily) and I know exactly how many spermies made it all the way into my uterus and I know exactly when I will know if it worked or not. There's a weird level of comfort to what must sound horribly Frank-en-fertility-ish. Not to say that I don't obsess near the end of the wait. I've just been let down so many times before that I play a bit of a game with myself about not obsessing and have kind of grown numb to a lot of it. I also try NOT to look up symptoms or read discussion boards (other than this one). As I mentioned in my last post I do get neurotic about stuff like imagining the fertilized egg falling out of me due to overdoing an activity or doing the wrong activity etc. but to counterbalance that I purposely do them anyway and remind myself that riding a bicycle is not going to prevent me from getting pregnant. Getting hot in a hot yoga class is not going to prevent me from getting pregnant. Drinking a glass of wine at a party is not going to result in a two-headed baby. ETc. etc.

Phew. This is a really long post. I think I am just overflowing with words and feelings that have been inside me all this time that I've been lurking. Thanks for bearing with me. I'm sure I'll tire myself out soon and get to a place of reasonable-length posts!
jenny_dreadful
Zelda, I'm gutted for you, how terribly disappointing. I'm thinking really positive thoughts for you. Michelina's advice sounds great, it sounds like you deserve to have a break from the stressful accoutrements of TTC.

Welcome Fookie, HotRodLibrarian and Shugga! Great to have you all here. I've only been here a couple of weeks or so, I'm almost 10 weeks along with my first pregnancy.

I've just received the invitation to my 12 week scan, immediately preceded by my 'booking in' appointment with a midwife. I've been offered nuchal translucancy scanning and a blood test to see if there's any likelihood that the baby might have Down's Syndrome. I'm really excited to be really beginning my antenatal care! I saw some friends on the weekend, one of whom was telling me about her friend who went for her 12 week scan and the baby didn't have a heartbeat. This is playing on my mind a bit. My boyfriend and I go on holiday to the US 2 days after my scan, so if anything is wrong I'm just going to have to live with it for a fortnight. Nervous! But excited that in 3 weeks from today (my scan is on 29th May) I'll be able to be officially pregnant! And tell people the real reason I'm not drinking at the moment.

Michelina, you asked about the high dose of folic acid I've been given - I'm taking 5mg a day, which I think is more than ten times more than the amount of folic acid in my pre-natal vitamins. I have to take them for the whole of the pregnancy too, the doctor seemed a little startled at my family history of a neural tube defect. It's got me worrying a bit (of course) because I wasn't taking folic acid at all before I conceived or until I found out I was pregnant at 5 weeks. I've become so fretful!

My boobs continue to ache, I've had period-like cramps all day, and I've been really craving sugar all day (I even ate Skittles for breakfast). I could swear my period is coming! I'm also really clumsy lately and so so tired. I am enjoying being pregnant, but am looking forward to the more energy that I've read comes to you in the second trimester!
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