February 2001

Maryland Intros Right to Breast-Feed Bill
"We Hold These Boobies to be Self-EvidentÖ"
Wednesday, February 28, 2001 Marylandís nine female state senators have introduced a bill that would guarantee mothers the right to breast-feed their children in public. The bill, similar to those already adopted by half the states in the US, is a reaction to stories like that of a local woman who was told not to breast-feed on a public bench outside a toy store. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends breast milk for babies up to 12 months, but many women are deterred by the social prejudice against public breast-feeding. After all, only drunk sorority girls at Mardi Gras should be encouraged to whip their tits out in public.

Prostitutes to Convene in Calcutta
Businessmen to Loiter Suggestively Nearby
Tuesday, February 27, 2001 A three-day summit for Asian sex workers will be held in Calcutta this weekend - participants hope to improve both public perceptions and working conditions related to the profession. Sex work, participants note, is a valid form of labor and an intrinsic part of society, and workers are deserving of the same respect and protections that other working-class laborers receive; moreover, they say, they would like to lend the working-class community their considerable support. While many womenís rights advocates focus on the relationship between illegal human trafficking and forced prostitution, this convention will focus on the perspectives of women and men who choose to make a living using their bodies. With over 20,000 sex workers from Thailand, Cambodia, Bangladesh, Indonesia, Japan, and other Asian countries expected to attend, this convention may attract even more hookers than last yearís Democratic National Convention.

Japan Says Comfort Women Wanted It
200,000 F Subs Seek Marauding Army 4 Hot Times
Monday, February 26, 2001 Controversial new Japanese texts are drawing ire from Taiwanese and North Korean officials for whitewashing the plight of Asian women forced into prostitution during World War II. As many as 200,000 so-called "comfort women" were kept as sex slaves by the Japanese army, and the government has consistently refused compensation or formal acknowledgement for these crimes. A proposed history textbook to be used in Japanese junior high schools has eliminated all references to sexual slavery during the war, and a new cartoon book quotes a Taiwanese official (who has since been asked to resign) as saying that women were not forced into sexual slavery, but were either traded to the Japanese army by their parents or volunteered for the "glory" of conscription. So in case you donít have an English-to-Japanese-Revisionist dictionary, a glory hole is "glorious," captivity is the same as "comfort," and anyone in the missionary position is a "volunteer."

Female British Fighters to the Fore
Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!
Friday, February 23, 2001 The new British Chief of Defence (hey, thatís how they spell it over there) has indicated his willingness to approve a proposal that would let women fight on the front lines of combat. The previous Chief of Defence (honest, thatís the way the BBC does it, and theyíre very proper), Sir Charles Guthrie, was opposed to women serving in the front line of the infantry, driving tanks, or serving on submarines or as divers, stating that he felt women were not capable of hand-to-hand combat, and that female soldiers -- as well as female casualties -- would be bad for the countryís morale. Women are currently allowed to serve in combat in Canada, Holland, Norway, Israel, and the US, but the UK is still awaiting the results of a report, "A Study of Combat Effectiveness and Gender," before making the decision to allow or bar female front-line fighters. We think the suspence is unnecessary ñ everyone knows that the idea that women canít fight is nonsence.

Serbs Sentenced for Rape, Torture
Should Be "Sentenced TO Rape, Torture," But Okay
Thursday, February 22, 2001 Three former commanders of the Bosnian Serb army were convicted of the rape and torture of numerous Muslim women and girls during the 1992 war. The international war crimes tribunal at the Hague sentenced 40-year-old Dragoljub Kunarac to 28 years in prison, 39-year-old Radomir Kovac to 20 years, and 39-year-old Zoran Vukovic to 12 years for their role in the occupation of the town of Foca. The three men helped orchestrate the separation of Muslim men and women into detention camps, then repeatedly set up and participated in the gang rape and torture of imprisoned women, including girls as young as 12. This trial was the first time that rape and sexual abuse have been recognized as war crimes, though itís a common enough practice ñ Japan, for instance, has recently come under fire for refusing to acknowledge similar atrocities committed against Korean and other Asian women during World War II. "Hey," these regimes have rationalized, "We raped a whole goddamn country! Whatís a few 12-year-olds along the way?"

Morning After Pill "Safe As Aspirin"
Chewable Kidsí Version Not Yet Available
Wednesday, February 21, 2001 A coalition of medical and womenís groups filed a petition with the FDA last week pressing the agency to declare the morning after pill safe enough to purchase without a prescription, a measure that has already been adopted in Britain and other European countries and is endorsed by the American Medical Association. Yesterday, the Virginia Senate approved the sale of the drug without a prescription, making it the only other state besides Washington to allow easier access to emergency contraception ñ the question of whether or not girls under 18 will be required to obtain parental consent has yet to be decided. The morning after pill, which can be taken up to 72 hours after unprotected intercourse to prevent the implantation of a fertilized egg in the uterine lining, has been available by prescription only since 1998, but many women canít get the necessary prescription within the 72 hour window, and many more women donít even know that the pill exists in the first place (to find a doctor near you who can prescribe emergency contraception, call 1-888-NOT2LATE). We hope that the FDA will agree with the medical groupsí claim that the morning after pill is "as safe as aspirin" ñ that other morning after pill ñ and that weíll soon be seeing commercials for this remedy right along the ads for Sarafem, Dexatrim, and feminine deodorant spray.

Female NGO Reps Protest Headscarves
Dress Code Is Bee in Their Bonnet
Tuesday, February 20, 2001 At an international conference on racism and discrimination being held in Iran, some women from non-governmental organizations refused to wear the headscarves that are a compulsory part of the Islamic dress code for women. The female NGO representatives stated that they felt the imposition of dress codes constituted a "denial of dignity and [their] right to choose," and were distressed by UN human rights chief Mary Robinson's agreement with the Iranian government that headscarves should be mandatory at the conference. The status of women in Iran is an important item on the conference's agenda, with the headscarf as one of the most divisive issues - a reformist was arrested recently for suggesting that wearing headscarves should be a matter of personal choice. Off the tops of our heads, for failing to see how dress codes are used to oppress women, we suggest that Mary Robinson be required to wear a dunce cap.

"Thatíth Dithguthting!"
Giuliani Sputters Over Female Christ
Friday, February 16, 2001 NYC Mayor Rudy Giulianiís combover is standing on end over a new exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum that features a photo by Renee Cox called "Yo Mamaís Last Supper," in which the photographer appears nude and surrounded by twelve black apostles. "Itís disgusting and outrageous," he claimed, neglecting to state exactly which factor ñ her sex, her nudity, or the color of her skin ñ was so especially disgusting to him. Cox, an avowed feminist, has previously been photographed as a superhero, a Hottentot Venus, and an Amazon. So maybe some of her photo identities could get together and, er, explain things to the mayor.

Young Women Need More Chlamydia Screens
SpellCheck Doesnít Recognize It, Why Would You?
Thursday, February 15, 2001 US researchers from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention are urging sexually active women under the age of 25 to get screened for chlamydia every six months. Chlamydia is a sexually transmitted disease that occurs in both men and women, and often has no noticeable symptoms ñ up to 85 percent of women infected with it may not notice anything wrong. If left untreated, however, chlamydia can cause Pelvic Inflammatory Disorder, which is a serious and painful condition that can lead to infertility. Chlamydia, which is four times as common in women under 25 than it is in older women, can be prevented in many cases by using condoms, and is easily treated with antibiotics, but you have to know youíve got it before you can treat it. So next time youíre at the twat doc, ask for an extra swab, and help keep the chlam out of your clam.

Nepal Seeks Virgin Goddess
BUST Readers Need Not Apply
Tuesday, February 13, 2001 Religious authorities in Nepal are looking to replace the current Kumari of Kathmandu ñ the living incarnation of a Hindu virgin goddess ñ as their current virgin goddess nears pubescence. Many prominent Nepalese families are eager to have their daughters serve as the personification of Kali, the Hindu goddess of war, though the chosen girl is not allowed to smile, laugh, venture out into public for non-ceremonial reasons, or marry. Toddler-aged candidates must be physically unscarred, and must spend a night alone in a dark room to prove their bravery ñ unlike slut goddesses, generally older and more banged-up, who prove their mettle by spending a night in a dark room with the high school boysí basketball team of their choice.

Hindu Hardliners Hate Valentine's Day
Didn't Know You Were Hindu, Did You
Tuesday, February 13, 2001 The leaders of some right-wing Hindu groups in India praised mob attacks against stores selling Valentine's Day cards on Monday, and announced that they will try to use both legal and violent measures to stop Indians from celebrating the Western holiday. Valentineís Day, which was virtually unknown in India up to ten years ago, is seen by conservatives as immoral, indecent, and contrary to traditional Indian culture; many young urban people, however, see it as a fun and touching way to celebrate their love. In Bombay, Valentineís Day shoppers were out en masse buying cards, stuffed animals, perfumes, and chocolates, despite warnings from hardliners that participating couples would meet with unspecified "punishment." Of course, in the US, itís the people without partners who are punished ñ any singles want to join a mob attack against stores selling Valentineís Day cards?

First Female Duo Crosses Antarctica
Having A Workout Buddy Really Does Help
Monday, February 12, 2001 After three months and 2,400 miles, explorers Ann Bancroft and Liv Arnesen have become the first female duo to ski unaided across Antarctica ñ their mission was to spread their love of exploration to the worldís schoolchildren and to spotlight womenís achievements. Bancroft, a 45-year-old American, and Arneson, a 47-year-old Norwegian, are experienced polar explorers who had to contend with winds of up to 100 miles per hour and average temperatures of ñ30 degrees Fahrenheit while pulling 250 pound sleds across an entire continent. According to the Web site Your Expedition, the two women trained for the grueling trip by dragging tires behind them on hikes, learning to pop dislocated limbs back into place and practicing stitching flesh wounds. So, uh, whereís Survivor host Jeff Probst with their million bucks?

Miami Mayor Denies Hitting Wife
Wife Exhibiting Serious Denial, Too
Friday, February 9, 2001 Miami Mayor Joe Carollo spent a night in jail this week after one of his pre-teen daughters placed an emergency call to 911 saying, "My dad is hurting my mom!" Wife Maria Ledon Carolla recently filed for divorce from the mayor, whose confrontational style has earned him the nickname "Crazy Joe" from local papers, but while she originally sought to have her husband arrested, she has since revised her story, and now claims that she got the large bump on her head as the result of an unspecified "unfortunate accident," and not from a being hit with a terra cotta tea canister, as police claim. If convicted of a misdemeanor assault charge, Crazy Joe could be sentenced to up to a year in prison, where he would last up to a minute. But he'll probably get off with a fine and some counseling-after all, he IS a pillar of the community.

EU Moves to End Human Trafficking
Women Are Roadkill on Immigration Superhighway
Friday, February 9, 2001 Justice and home affairs ministers from the countries of the European Union met this week to discuss the widespread problem of human trafficking and sexual slavery. An estimated 500,000 women and girls alone enter the EU illegally every year, and a large number of them are forced into prostitution, pornography, and/or indentured servitude to smugglers. The EU's first priorities will be to standardize the laws that deal with human trafficking and child sexual exploitation, and to increase cooperation among law enforcement agencies; granting asylum to more refugees will be considered as well. This initiative, which follows a failed 1997 plan with similar intent, will also address the plight of illegal immigrants of both sexes who are forced into working at sweatshops. So no more hookers or cheap clothes? The city of Las Vegas better hope the US doesn't jump on this idea.

Virginia Is For Virgins
Abortion Limits Passed in VA
Thursday, February 8, 2001 Starting on October 1, 2001, women who seek abortions in the state of Virginia will have to wait at least 24 hours to undergo the procedure, review pictures of fetuses, and be counseled about adoption. Waiting periods, another way in which conservatives hope to restrict access to abortion, are being presented as a measure to "protect womenís safety"ówhich is the new bullshit bugaboo phrase that conservatives use to imply that women need constant defense from, among other threats, their own weakness and stupidity. Of course, thereís nothing really wrong with a law that tells women that they have to think before they get an abortion. Because, you know, usually when women have abortions, we, like, drop into a clinic on a whim, usually drunk, and the next day, weíre always like, "No way, I pierced my tongue AND had an abortion? I am SUCH a kook!"

Doctor Finds Orgasm Machine
Who Says We Never Report Good News?
Thursday, February 8, 2001 Dr. Stuart Meloy of North Carolina has discovered that a new treatment for chronic back pain has an interesting side effectóit causes orgasms. A female patient who was undergoing the electrode therapy, which sends a direct electrical impulse from the spinal cord to the brain, experienced spontaneous orgasm and told the medical staff, "Youíre going to have to teach my husband to do that." Barring the institution of country-wide sex classes for husbands and other male lovers, weíd like to see the spinal cord stimulator repurposed and marketed for this kind of use. And if they need women to help test the deviceÖ

RU-486 Under Attack
R2D2,WD40 Safe For Now
Wednesday, February 7, 2001 Republican senators from progressive hotbeds Arkansas and Louisiana have introduced a bill that would greatly restrict access to the abortion pill, RU-486. Under the terms of the new bill, only doctors trained in performing surgical abortions would be able to prescribe the drug. The incredibly hypocritical sponsors of the bill say that this measure, which would greatly reduce the availability of the pill, is to "protect the safety of women" who would opt for the less invasive and potentially more accessible pill over a surgical abortion in the first place. So do doctors who prescribe nitroglycerin have to be trained in open heart surgery? Do doctors who prescribe Rogaine have to be trained in hair transplant surgery? Do doctors who prescribe Viagra have toóyou know what, we donít even want to go there. We want to go here and let our Congresspeople and Senators know that we are watching this bill like it was our last Benjamin. The FDA spent the past 12 years proving what European women have known for yearsóthat RU-486 is safe. Especially when compared to back-alley abortions.

Shriners Are Sixty-Niners
Fez-Wearers Get Freaky for Charity
Tuesday, February 6, 2001 Over 400 members of the Shrinersí Motor Patrol, a branch of the reputable charitable organization, attended a fundraising "V.I.P. Gentlemenís Dinner" in a Winnipeg, Manitoba hotel which featured nude female performers, public cunnilingus, and hookers giving blow jobs for $75 a pop. Local reporters in attendance observed members making cash "donations" in exchange for tickets that they exchanged for the privilege of publicly fondling, pouring beer on, and going down on two naked female performers, who complained after a while that the men were causing them pain and discomfort. Later, a doorman outside a second-floor room was seen collecting money from members for the services of two prostitutes. According to the Winnipeg Free Press, the annual Shrinersí "Gentlemenís Dinner" is well known for its erotic entertainment. And we can only imagine the debauchery that goes on at the Shrinersí Wives Bake-OffÖ

Fox Refuses Birth Control Ad
Changes Show Name to "Impregnation Island"
Monday, February 5, 2001 Fox TV has rejected an ad for Encare, a female contraceptive, which makers had hoped to advertise during "Temptation Island." The show, which features couples who secretly hate each other carousing with bimbos and himbos in order to prove the ultimate worthlessness of trust, loyalty, and consideration, has been criticized as racy, immoral, and a glorification of promiscuity. Still, the network that brought you "Who Wants to Sleep With A Really Rich, Sleazy Guy You've Never Met?" says it is too pure and virtuous to accept ads for contraceptives unless their primary purpose is to stop the spread of disease. Hmm...is there a contraceptive that stops the spread of hypocrisy?

Banging Heads in Bangladesh
Fatwa Fever vs. Femme Power
Sunday, February 4, 2001 Riot police and troops were deployed this weekend in the capital of Bangladesh to prevent possible violence on the part of pro-fatwa groups who are angered at the high courtís recent decision to ban fatwas (edicts to hurt, punish, and torture) against women and girls for "crimes" like alleged adultery and associating or working with men outside their families. This weekend was an especially tense time, as a number of non-governmental organizations (international human rights groups and the like) successfully staged a rally in support of the decision to ban fatwas. Though some radical Muslim groups had called for a public strike, business closings, and "punishment by death" to all supporters of the courtís decision, the rally came off without grave incident and was attended by thousands of veiled women and girls who risked serious bodily harm to march and carry anti-fatwa placards. Meanwhile, the pro-fatwa groups claim that they have been subject to "barbaric police action" during their protests against the ruling. And if anyone would know barbarism, itíd be them.

Ashcroft Survives His Bitch-Slapping
Will New Attorney General Slap Back?
Sunday, February 4, 2001 Right-wing zealot John Ashcroft, who opposes all forms of abortion and even some forms of birth control, was narrowly confirmed as Attorney General by a 58-42 voteóbut not before womenís groups, environmentalists, gays, civil rights advocates, and those who generally oppose the union of church and state sent their senators an actual, literal ton of mail and petitions opposing his appointment. While his confirmation was ultimately successful, many prominent political activists are still claiming great success in opposing Ashcroft, saying that the fast and furious response to his appointment is an indication that the American People are truly concerned about the protection of their rights under the law, and especially when the top law man is a freaky neo-Confederate who hates on principle a majority of the populace under his protection. Furthermore, everyone in the Bush administration was reminded loudly and clearly that while you can try to force it on us, We Ainít Having It. So while you grit your teeth and dig in your heels, donít forget to keep your chin up and pat a comrade on the back. We lost this round, but they didnít entirely win.