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December 2000

December 2000

Swissair Stews to Slap Sex Pests
No So Neutral Now, Are We?
Thursday, December 28, 2000 Starting January 1, 2001, Swissair planes will be equipped with special plastic handcuffs to be used on unruly passengers suffering from outdated Hefner-esque notions about what stewardesses will and wonít do for you. Slapping an unruly or drunk passenger will also be acceptableó"We do not recommend it, but we accept it if our staff reacts when assaulted and will defend our staff in court," said Swissair spokesperson Erwin Schaerer. Incidences of syndromes like "air rage" and "air lust" are on the rise, especially since we thought of all these new names to describe the syndromes of "being an asshole." Both male and female stewards are relieved by their expanding options for dealing with frisky flyers, and eagerly await the day when they will be able to use stun guns on anyone making a "cockpit" joke.

Birth Control is Preventative Medicine
Also, Nyquil Gets You Wasted
Thursday, December 28, 2000 The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission has stated that it is against federal law for employers to exclude prescription contraceptives from health plans that cover other preventative treatments. This is the first ruling by a federal agency that says that equal coverage for birth control is required by law, and that denying coverage for prescriptions which are only given to women is tantamount to sex discrimination. Womenís health advocates applaud the decision, observing that many insurance companies cover Viagra, but not birth control. Viagra, distributed almost exclusively to men, doesnít prevent a damn thing except that horrible "Iím sorry, itís not you, itís me," "Donít worry, Iím sure itís just nerves" conversation.

India Winning "Worldís Great Bimbo Race"
Judges Obviously Havenít Seen VIP
Thursday, December 28, 2000 India is reevaluating its position on beauty pageants after native daughters won both the Miss World and the Miss Universe pageants in 2000. The chief minister of the state of Uttar Pradesh has banned local contests, with the support of Indian womenís groups, calling them "against Bharatiya sanskriti and unethical." While many find the recent wins to be a source of national pride, others despair over pageant answers like Miss World Priyanka Chopraís, who claimed that the most successful woman living today would be Mother Theresa. In response to the most recent win, The Indian Express ran a headline reading, "India Breasts Tape Again in the Worldís Great Bimbo Race." Well, if theyíre racing, letís hope they taped their boobsóor at least wore a really good jog bra.

US May Provide Asylum for Battered Women
But Who Will Provide Delicious Dipping Sauce?
Thursday, December 28, 2000 The US Immigration and Naturalization Service is considering a policy change that would help victims of domestic violence gain political asylum in the United States. Under the revised policy, a battered women from another country would be able to apply for asylum as a member of a persecuted social class. This option was recently extended to gays and lesbians, who often face violence and persecution in their native countries. No word yet as to what immigration or asylum options will be opened for gays, lesbians and battered women who face violence and persecution right here at home.