April 2001

Docs to Chicks: Get Morning-After Pills Now
Get Morning-After Bagels and Coffee, Too
Monday, April 30, 2001 Doctors are urging women to get advance prescriptions for the "morning-after" emergency contraception pill so that they will have the pill on hand when it’s needed – the morning after having sex without pregnancy prevention. The two brands of morning-after pill sold in the US, Preven and Plan B, work by halting ovulation, preventing fertilization, or stopping the implantation of a fertilized egg. Emergency contraception is safe and effective, but less than 1 percent of women in the US have used it, due to a lack of awareness about the method, confusion over the difference between the morning-after pill and the early abortion pill RU-486, and the inconvenience of having to get a prescription from a doctor within 36 hours. The medical community, meanwhile, has thrown a great deal of support behind emergency contraception, urging the FDA to make it available over the counter, and noting that it could cut the number of unintended pregnancies in the US from approximately 3 million to half that number, which would significantly reduce the number of abortions performed. If women heed the recommendation of the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, they will make sure to have the pill or a prescription for it already on hand before a date – which, much like shaving their legs or putting in their diaphragms, will guarantee that they do not get laid.

House: Fetuses Are People Too
And Most of Them Are Way Behind in Taxes
Friday, April 27, 2001 A bill known as the "Unborn Victims of Violence Act" has passed in the House, making it a crime to harm a fetus during a crime against a pregnant woman; the bill further defines a fetus as "a member of the species Homo sapiens, at any stage of development, who is carried in the womb." Yes, gals, that means that a fertilized egg is a Homo sapiens — and those zygotes and embryos should really be doing more of the yardwork, ‘cause they’re human beings too, with rights that should be protected. Sadly, protecting the rights of future Homo sapiens does not include protecting their right to an ozone layer, clean water, a biodiverse planet, or a functional ecosystem — the main thing it protects is the stealthy Republican agenda to limit women’s access to abortion.

Defining a fetus as a person is a major ideological win for the Right, and could eventually lead to criminal prosecutions against abortion providers or women who seek to terminate their pregnancies. While Republican lawmakers stress that this is not their intent, and note that 24 states already have laws against harming a fetus during the commission of a crime, pro-choice activists are seriously concerned by this latest development, and urge other concerned citizens to (yep) write your Senators — they’re next in line to approve or reject the bill. And get your unborn children – all six hundred of the kids you plan to have someday – to write in, too.

New Bra Comes With Gun Holster
Would You Like 38B or .38 Millimeter?
Thursday, April 26, 2001 Hey ladies, want to arm your boobs? Paxton Quigley, one of the foremost advocates of arming women, has created the first combo bra and gun holster, designed to help women keep their weapons concealed within easy reach. The $30 Super-Bras will come in a range of sizes, a choice of black or white (no lace, frills or underwire are available), and a choice of left-hand shooter or right-hand shooter; the bras also include pepper spray holsters, for a fuller armpit arsenal. "Women like the idea of comfort and its easy access," says Quigley, noting that many women shopping for gun holsters compared the process to shopping for the right bra. "A good place to conceal a weapon is in the chest area." Just make sure your lovers know you’re strapped, lest they try to squeeze your tit and wind up squeezing the trigger. Talk about mind-blowing foreplay!

Report Finds That "Sex Matters"
Follow-Ups Find "Money Good," "Water Wet"
Wednesday, April 25, 2001 "Sex matters" was the determination of a fine, fine group of researchers from the Institute of Medicine studying the biological differences between the sexes and their relationship to illness and medical conditions. These experts note that males and females have different medical problems, different life spans, and different reactions to treatment and medications. Therefore, they suggest, medical researchers need to study biological sex differences and incorporate those findings into medical research, which has long been criticized by women’s advocates as male-oriented and unhelpful to chicks. The super-savvy "sex matters" team will now dig deeper into the subject of sex difference and medical treatments by investigating questions like, "Why don’t more women get prostate cancer?" and "How come you have a dingle and I have a hoo hoo?"

Starving New Delhi Tribe Sells Daughters
Free Shipping For Daughters Over $150
Tuesday, April 24, 2001 An Indian newspaper reports that nine young girls from the New Delhi region have been sold into slavery by their starving, drought-stricken families. A shady group of people from another region in India paid parents between $100 and $150 for each of the young girls, who may well wind up sold again and again in the international sex trade. The local government has not been able to responded to the region’s food and water crisis, which led to the terrible trades, and do not seem to be able to respond to the appalling girl-selling crisis—a local politician has vowed to take it up with India’s Parliament. Women and men in the US are deeply saddened that these families had to choose between starvation and prostitution for their daughters, and horrified that the price of a young girl’s life is so low — "When I sold my daughter," Britney Spears’ mom Lynne sniffed, "I got a much better deal."

Breast Tests Proven to Save More Lives
She’s A Bad Mammo-gramma!
Monday, April 23, 2001 The American Cancer Society has recently released the results of a 29-year study indicating that access to mammogram screenings decreases the number of deaths from breast cancer by 63%, twice the number that was previously estimated. This news comes at a time when access to mammogram breast cancer screenings in the US is threatened—facing the rising costs of malpractice claims and the simultaneous decline in reimbursement rates from Medicaid and other insurance companies, many mammography centers are reducing services or closing altogether. Meanwhile, women in most countries on the planet don’t have any access to mammograms at all. You can help donate a free mammogram here , and you can also feel free to do the free self-test and squeeze not only your own tits, but the tits of a close friend. Hey, you’re only trying to help a gal out…

Italian Housewives Push for Power
Leave the Gun — Make the Cannoli
Friday, April 20, 2001 As Italy heads into its general elections on May 13, women’s groups are seeking greater representation — along with safer streets, harsher punishments for sex offenders, and more technical training. Italy currently has one of the most gender-skewed governments in Europe, with women making up only 11 percent of lower house representatives and 8 percent of senators—the average European lower house is closer to 25-30 percent female, and France recently passed a law calling for 50 percent of all candidates to be female. The 850,000 member "housewives union" has been successful in championing candidates who have won them better pension and maternity benefits — proving that a woman’s place in Italian politics just might be the kitchen — and some women do hold high party positions, but the sense of chick-unity was strained last year when Alessandra Mussolini, the dictator’s granddaughter, got into a shoving match on television with Equal Opportunities Minister Katia Bellillo. "Cool," said impressed Italian voters. "A chick-on-chick pile-up! We haven’t had this much fun in politics since we elected Ciccolina!"

Yo Ho, Hoe!
Floating Abortion Clinic Makes Waves
Thursday, April 19, 2001 A Dutch team of all-female doctors and crew members is preparing to staff the worldís first floating abortion clinic, to be docked in international waters 12 miles offshore various countries where access to abortion is limited or outlawed. The sponsors of the floating clinic, the Amsterdam-based organization Women on Waves, estimates that one in four women worldwide live in countries that restrict or prohibit abortion, and hopes to make a small dent in the number of unsafe abortionsóestimated at up to 20 million per yearócurrently performed. The vessel is set to make its "maiden" voyage sometime this summer; besides first-term abortions, the seafaring team will also offer contraceptives, information about reproductive health, and, of course, a daily shuffleboard contest on the Lido deck.

Miss World Pageant "Stupid, Awful and Unnatural"
Contestants Usually Just Unnatural
Wednesday, April 18, 2001 Julia Morley, the woman who has run the Miss World organization and pageant since the death of her husband, creator Eric Morley, is blasting the beauty contest as "stupid," "awful," and "unnatural," and promising to make it "more positive" for women. Morley has been involved with the pageant since 1969, working backstage as a producer and mother hen to contestants, but she confesses that she always found the show hard to stomach. She was quoted in the UK Observer as saying, "I didnít feel comfortable with swimsuits on stageÖyou generally donít feel comfortable if someoneís interviewing you in a dinner jacket and youíre in a swimsuit. I thought it was pretty awful to see women standing there with practically nothing on, with [the host] saying, ëWhat did you eat for breakfast?í It was so stupid." She even took action on a number of occasions ó when the 1970 pageant, featuring host Bob Hope making sexist cracks, was interrupted by female protesters, Morley held Hope's ankles to make sure he couldnít flee to the flour bombs and tomatoes that were thrown at the stage. Now that the pageant is hers to run, she is hoping to make it a better experience for the contestants, starting with increased scholarship opportunities and fewer ass shots. And hey, maybe they could open the ceremonies with that catchy Hole song, you knowó"Iím Miss World, somebody kill me," la la la, that one.

Killer Nuns, Dead Hookers, and Plenty of Abortion
A Typical Day with the BUST News Staff
Tuesday, April 17, 2001 Some days, a blurb just isnít enough. Some days, we canít seem to choose ñ should we cover the story about Bush restricting reproductive choice, or should we write about those horrible mass rapes abroad? Breast cancer, or birth control? Prostitution, or abortion? Disenfranchisement, or harassment? The first woman to do something men have been doing for decades, or the only woman to do something every woman should have the freedom to do? The choices seem endless ñ endlessly the same. So today, weíre providing you links to some stories from the past few days. Choose your news, ladies ñ then go out and make some good news of your own.

KILLER NUNS
Two Roman Catholic nuns from Rwanda are on trial with two other defendants in Belgium for their participation in the 1994 genocidal massacre of Tutsis and moderate Hutus.

MURDERED PROSTITUTES
Iran looks into the murders of several prostitutes that might be the work of extremist religious groups.

GOVERNOR MOMS
As more female politicians with young kids run for higher offices, prejudices against working moms come to the fore.

EMPRESS-TO-BE?
Everyoneís thrilled that Japanís Princess Masako is pregnant, but what if she gives birth to girl instead of an heir? Could Japan have an Empress, or will patriarchal tradition prove stronger than monarchal designs?

FEMALE FOETICIDE
The female/male ratio is way down in parts of India, as many Indians choose to abort fetuses that show up as female on pre-natal diagnostic tests.

"LADY MACBETH"
Murderous dictator Slobodan Milosevicís wife may have been complicit in his crimes.

LATE TERM=JAIL TERM
A Michigan doctor who performed a third-trimester abortion without a clear medical reason may face jail time. He may be the first doctor to be prosecuted for abortion since the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision.

NO RU-486 AT U.
Most colleges are not offering access to the early abortion pill, RU-486, through their health services departments, though it was approved for use by the FDA seven months ago.

Supreme Court Upholds FACE Law
Bad News for the Criminally Ugly
Monday, April 16, 2001 The US Supreme Court threw its support behind the 1994 Freedom of Access to Clinic Entrances Act today, rejecting a lawsuit claiming that it is unconstitutional. The FACE Act specifically prohibits blocking clinic entrances and intimidating or injuring staff or patients; twenty-five people who were prosecuted under the act for blockading a clinic in New Jersey were smacked down in their appeal. Theyíd claimed that the law overstepped federal authority, as local law enforcement could ensure the safety of clinic staff and patients, but the Supreme Court noted that Congress passed the FACE Act precisely because the problem was greater than local law enforcement agencies could handle. Anti-choice groups have been waging a violent, nationwide campaign against clinics and doctors who provide abortion, as well as the women seeking reproductive services from them ñ to find out how to volunteer for clinic defense near you, call NARAL at 1-877-YOU-DECIDE. And letís keep the ASSES out of our FACES.

Suit Filed Against Egyptian Feminist
Dude, That Totally Sphinx
Friday, April 13, 2001 Sixty-year-old Nawal al-Saadawi, an outspoken Egyptian feminist and writer, faces a lawsuit stemming from remarks she made in a recent interview regarding certain Islamic customs that she views as misogynistic or backwards. Ms. Saadawi was imprisoned under former president Anwar Sadat for her political writings, and since her release has continued to publicly draw attention to issues like female genital mutilation. In an interview published early last month, she spoke out against the mandatory wearing of headscarves, saying that it is not mandated by the Koran, and inheritance laws that leave everything to sons while neglecting daughters; the lawsuit accuses her of "denying" and "scorning" Islam. Yet the Egyptian mufti (the chief interpreter of Islamic law) is not asking Ms. Saadawi to stand trial, saying that she does not need to be punished for her "perverse and aberrant thoughts" because she is merely trying to attract attention. (Yes, Mr. Mufti, she is trying to attract attention to something perverse and aberrant, but itís not her thoughts.) The lawsuit just proves that any woman who shows herself to be a real tigris makes a lot of men euphretes.

The Cock Clock:
Study Exposes Male Biological Cycle
Friday, April 13, 2001 A study of over 85,000 men reveals that the children of older men have a higher rate of physical and mental illness than kids born to younger fathers, leading researchers to believe that men have a "biological clock" effecting their fertility. Itís commonly known that a womanís reproductive capacity is diminished as she ages, eventually ending with menopause, but it was previously thought that men could successfully continue to reproduce almost indefinitely. Yet while a middle-aged man can still shoot sperm, those sperm cells may have accumulated mutations that their children inherit ó incidences of schizophrenia, cancer, and dwarfism were three times more common in kids fathered by men 50 and older than those in kids fathered by dads under 25. Will the desire to have healthier children by fathering them at a younger age turn thirty-something guys all insecure and relationship-hungry? Find out on next seasonís premiere of Al McBeal!

Yahoo! Opens Online Porn Store
Suddenly "My Yahoo!" Sounds Much Dirtier
Wednesday, April 11, 2001 Internet giant Yahoo! has opened a new area of Yahoo! shopping to sell adult videos and DVDs to its 185 million monthly users for a share of the profits. Now shoppers seeking Choose Your Cooze or Gang Bang Angels #4 are spared the hassle of purchasing through shoddy, fly-by-night sites with their inevitable stream of XXX pop-upsóthey can enjoy the same quality Yahoo! shopping experience they already enjoy while purchasing things like toaster cozies and Disney collectibles. Yahoo! has long garnered negative attention from anti-porn advocates who object to Yahoo! member clubs like the "Lolita Anal Rape" club and the "Dad Screwing Daughter" club; other major conglomerates like AOL and Microsoft Network have so far avoided creating adult entertainment and/or interest areas on their networks. While company officials would not meet the press to answer questions about the porn sales, they did release a statement acknowledging that adult products have actually been sold through Yahoo! for over two years. However, they also acknowledged, you can usually get a better deal on used womenís panties over at ebay.

UPDATE: Days later, Yahoo! announced plans to abandon the porn sales. The Lolita Anal Rape club, however, is still going strong.

New Girl Governor Pregnant With Twins
Net After Taxes, Thatís Only 1.3 Kids
Tuesday, April 10, 2001 Thirty-six-year-old Republican Jane Swift, a mom whoís currently pregnant with twins, was promoted today from lieutenant governor to governor of Massachusetts following the previous governorís appointment as US ambassador to Canada. Swiftís notable political career started at the age of 25, when she ran as a long-shot candidate for the state Senate and won; after a failed bid for a seat in Congress and some experience at various state agencies, she became Massachusettsí lieutenant governor. Sheís already faced criticism for having her aides babysit her daughter (because, you know, thatís way more offensive and tax-wasting than having them fetch her coffee); now sheís being asked how sheíll balance career and family, a question some find a little odd, considering that many male governors do it every day. She has announced that she will be active in raising the kids with the love and support of her husband, a stay-at-home dad. "But maybe Iíll just run around governing with a kid swinging from each tit, babbling in baby talk and reeking of poop," she said. Okay, we said that. But we wish thatís what she said.

Kuwaitís Female Footballers Faced Fatwa
Now Can We Get One Going Against The XFL?
Monday, April 9, 2001 Todayís womenís football tournament in Kuwait was almost canceled when Islamic clerics spoke out against the event as "forbidden and a disobedience to God"; instead, the 21 teams will compete indoors with no males allowed in the building and no photography. Many womenís sports are completely banned in Kuwait, and the state-run TV station was compelled to block broadcasts of beach volleyball and womenís synchronized swimming during the Sydney Summer Olympicsóthese sports are "too sexy and indecent," according to religious and government authorities, as they allow men to see womenís bodies outside of the shapeless garments and veils many Kuwaiti women traditionally wear. If the authorities think that women wearing full-body padding and face-covering helmets are indecent, wait until they start beating their women, "obstructing justice," and having their pregnant girlfriends killed. Now thatís an offensive formation.

Too Many Girls Become Child Brides
With This Candy Necklace, I Thee Wed
Friday, April 6, 2001 A recent report from UNICEF reveals the widespread phenomenon of child marriage and its negative impact on young women around the world. Poverty, fear of pregnancy out of wedlock, and patriarchal traditions are all factors in the high incidence of child brides, some of whom are as young as 10 when theyíre hitched, in many areas, most notably sub-Saharan Africa and South Asia. These girls, often married to much older men, face lack of access to education, high rates of domestic abuse, forced servitude to in-laws, and medical problems stemming from early pregnancy and childbirthónot to mention the horror of having to spend your life as the wife of a man you didnít choose. The problem of child marriage is not as pronounced in the US, except in some regions of Appalachia, but just in case the Britney teen-sex-object thing turns into a Barbie teen-bride kinda thing, Toys Rí Us is already planning to offer wedding registries.

Average Penis Shorter Than Estimated
And Most Men Canít Really Bench 300, Either
Wednesday, April 4, 2001 A survey from the Lifestyles Condom Company reveals that the average penis is 5.877 inchesóa full quarter to half inch shorter than previously estimated. Earlier studies by sex experts like Kinsey and Masters and Johnson had put the prototypical peen at 6.2 to 6.4 inches, but their methodology was often sloppyóthey allowed men to measure their own meat, while the Lifestyles crew used doctors and nurses to do the measuring. Girth, a girlís best friend, was also measured in the study, with most menís cocks coming in between 4.5 and 5.5 inches around. In case youíre having trouble envisioning what 5.877 inches looks like, the researchers have handily included some tangible examples: itís about the size of a Starbucks grande (with the sip lid), and most dicks fall somewhere between the length of a Twix bar and that of a Peter Paul Mounds (plus thereís that delicious creamy filling!). So does this mean that size really matters? Well, we know one thing for sureóit really matters to men.

Itís Equal Pay Day!
We Feel So Much Wealthier Already
Tuesday, April 3, 2001 Yet another reason to be cranky at work: It STILL takes the average American woman seven workdays to make the same amount of money the average man makes in five, and for non-white women, the pay gap is even wider. Pay inequity is a complex problem, requiring statisticians and social scientists to factor in considerations like occupational differences, experience, and education levels. But as the National Committee on Pay Equity has noted, "When parking lot attendants make more than child care workers, we know the work that women do is undervalued." Since today has been declared Equal Pay Day (itís always celebrated on a Tuesday, the day by which women have caught up to menís earnings from the week before), letís everyone call in to work and tell our bosses we canít come in because we have our "womenís problems." When they ask, "What womenís problems?" tell ëem: We get paid three quarters what the guys do!

Bush Closes Womenís Outreach Office
Outwit, Outlast, Outplay Offices Still Open
Monday, April 2, 2001 President Bush would like us all to be clear on something: Womenís issues donít count. To quietly emphasize this point, which may or may not have been obvious from his appointments, policies, and actions, heís closed the White House Womenís Initiatives and Outreach office. The office was created by Clinton in 1995 to act as a liaison between the White House and womenís organizations in addressing issues like equal pay and employment opportunities, domestic violence, and abortion. While the web page for the office is still active, news reports say that the office itself has actually been closed since mid-January, with no official statement from the White House as to why. Of course, weíre not exactly forced to guess whyómost of Bushís outreach to women has been of the "reach out and fuck someone" variety.