July 2001

India's Beloved "Bandit Queen" Murdered
Phoolan Devi Was A No-Phoolan-Around Gal
Tuesday, July 31, 2001 Phoolan Devi, the woman who went from notorious criminal to member of the Indian parliament, was shot and killed last week outside her home in New Delhi. Police have her killers in custody but have not yet discussed the motive behind the assassination. Born into a poor family of low caste and married at the age of 11 to a man three times her age, she was later abandoned by her husband - her family, embarrassed by her failed marriage, followed suit. She was the survivor of several incidents of sexual abuse, but by the time she was 20, she was leading a gang of violent criminals who allegedly targeted high caste families and aided poor ones. In her most notorious exploit, she led a raid on an isolated village and killed at least 20 men of high caste because she recognized two of them as her attackers. Beloved by the poor, she was able to evade police until her health prompted her to surrender in 1983. She served 11 years for her crimes, then capitalized on her significant popularity and made a successful run for parliament, where she was in her seventh year of service. Phoolan Devi was the subject of a major film, "Bandit Queen," and a doll was marketed with her likeness. We mourn the passing of the Bandit Queen, and pout some more because we never got to play with Bandit Barbie when we were little girls.

Indonesia’s Female VP Takes Over as Prez
Peeing on Toilet Seats Now Punishable by Death
Thursday, July 26, 2001 Megawati “Tha Megawatt” Sukarnoputri was promoted from Vice President to President of Indonesia this week after former president Abdurrahman Wahid was ousted for perceived incompetence. Megawati is the daughter of Indonesia's popular founding leader as well as the former VP, and has the general support of both the parliament and the populace at large, which makes this the first peaceful transition of power in recent Indonesian history. However, she faces a number of daunting issues in running this broke-ass South Asian archipelago - the country has been economically as well as politically unstable for many years, and Indonesia has been using some horrific tricks in its war to keep the island of East Timor from seceding, including mass rape. Now that's something the female VP of the United States would never allow - OH WAIT, WE DON'T HAVE A FEMALE VP, and about 86% of our top elected officials are male. Wow, maybe we could make that into a new national ad campaign: "America: Second only to places like Indonesia in social progress!"

And Now, An Update In Our Ongoing Saga:
"Not Without My Uterus!"
Wednesday, July 25, 2001 Since our last exciting installment, THE ODIOUS GAG RULE suffered a blow when it was determined that, under the rule, health organization reps would be unable to testify before a Senate hearing, as they are forbidden by the rule to speak THE FORBIDDEN A-WORD. THE ODIOUS GAG RULE was badly bent when special permission was given to SUSANA SILVA GALDOS, a Peruvian women's rights activist, to utter THE FORBIDDEN A-WORD. "But don't say THE FORBIDDEN A-WORD three times fast," warned the shadowy figures who bestowed her this special permission. "Else THE MUCH-NEEDED DIALOGUE ABOUT WOMEN'S HEALTH CARE NEEDS will be ripped open like Pandora's box, and all heck will break loose!"

Back at THE FRIGHT HOUSE, the minions announced their plans to... kill! THE FRIGHT HOUSE will strike down requests from states to extend GREATER CONTRACEPTIVE COVERAGE to Medicaid recipients. Of course, they're still smarting over last week's win by a committee in the HOUSE OF REPZ, which voted to reinstate GREATER CONTRACEPTIVE COVERAGE for federal employees after THE FRIGHT HOUSE took it away. Big ups to REP. NITA LOWEY (D-NY) for sponsoring the winning amendment - she's a WOMAN TO WATCH.

Meanwhile, THAT BUSH GUY has been seen a lot - and I mean a lot - with none other than THE POPE HIMSELF. They were walking arm-in-arm together in the Vatican, and THE POPE HIMSELF was going off on how embryos are just like the rest of us, you know, just regular folk who live in someone's uterus waiting for parent cells to differentiate themselves into something potentially viable. So THAT BUSH GUY is completely enamored of THE POPE HIMSELF, except for that spat they've agreed not to have any more about the death penalty, and is all John-and-Yoko'd out over him, so anytime anyone says anything about, like, the pro-choice majority, he snaps like a Pringle and starts screaming, "That's not what THE POPE HIMSELF says! And he's way holier than you! You're going to hell! THE POPE HIMSELF is the only one I can trust! He told me that God told him so!"

Stay tuned for more nail-biting, leg-waxing, fallopian-tube-tying installments of ... "Not Without My Uterus!"

Feminists Fight Turkish Virginity Testing
Oral Test Found Especially Objectionable
Tuesday, July 24, 2001 The practice of inspecting girls’ hymens to determine their virginity was banned two years ago in Turkey, but the Health Minister is trying to revive it for women in nursing programs. He claims that his aim is to protect women from “sexual harassment” (like getting an unwanted gynecological exam isn’t sexual harassment?), but Turkish women’s advocates believe that he is trying to reinstate virginity testing, which families use to determine whether a young woman should fetch a high “bride price,” or whether she should be killed by a family member for bringing shame on the family. Please note: None of the following answers, given customarily in the US, are considered acceptable on the Turkish Virginity Test:

a) I swear, it broke from horseback riding! Camel riding! Whatever!
b) You’re still a virgin if you only do it in the butt, right?
c) Dude, I was so wasted, I don’t think it even counts.

Bush Wants Health Care for “Unborn Children”
Born Ones Can Go to Hell Along With Their Moms
Thursday, July 12, 2001 The head of Health and Human Services, Tommy Thompson, is reviewing a proposed plan whereby state health insurance programs could consider a fetus “a targeted low-income child” in order to cover the cost of prenatal care and the cost of childbirth. “Oh, but we’re just trying to expand options for the working poor,” say HHS and supportive White House administration officials. “You poor folk should all be reasonable. Come on, even the Democrats cut all kinds of social services for people with no damn money, you think you’re going to get a better deal from us in the next four years? Not likely. See, we’re actually offering to pay for your medical expenses so you don’t have your baby in the street, but you’ll give up the right to control the contents of your uterus. Take it or leave it, ain’t no having it both ways.” HHS spokesman Bill Pierce defended the proposal, saying it will “just give states another tool … states don’t have to do this.” (Sure, but if you want your God-fearing state to be spared the cataclysmic holy flood that's a-comin’, you might want to, just in case.) But, as Pierce further revealed, “if the question is, is the secretary pro-life, the answer is yes. So is the administration.” I know, your monitor just crackled from the shock: The administration is pro-life!

Be proactive here.

Aussie Team Fertilizes Eggs Without Sperm
Like A Fish Without A Bicycle, Baby
Wednesday, July 11, 2001 A team of scientists in Australia may have found a way to fertilize eggs without sperm cells, which could one day allow infertile men to father their own children. The researchers have determined that mice eggs can be fertilized with cells from the non-reproductive parts of other mice’s bodies, meaning that men with low or no sperm count could still donate, say, a piece of their nose or something to the whole pregnancy enterprise, which would carry their own genetic code on to their biological children. But, even more spectacularly, one female team member speculated that, if the procedure does indeed translate to humans, it is possible that men might eventually have nothing to do with the impregnation process – “However,” she said, “I think we need to draw the line where it is used.” Yeah, or pretend we’re drawing the line, while secretly working in our hollowed-out volcano lab to advance this biotechnical breakthrough to the point where we don’t need men for baby-making, and they find that they have to become that much better at things like sex, snuggling, and compliments.

SPECIAL: BROADCAST UPDATE
So I Just Started Sleeping With This Guy, And …
Tuesday, July 10, 2001 … oh right, the news. Well, lots of stuff has happened since the last time stuff happened, so here are some follow-ups to past Broadcast items. TOO SEXY FOR HER JOB?
New Zealand women wore their flashiest, flirtiest outfits to work last week in support of a female government official who was fired from her position for her hemline. Silly goose, didn’t she know? Only barely legal girls are socially allowed to dress like that.

NEPAL’S NEW VIRGIN GODDESS
A four-year-old girl is replacing her twelve-year-old predecessor as Nepal’s new living virgin goddess. Apparently it’s like a Menudo thing, where you get aged out, but much holier.

JAPANESE TEXTS WHITEWASH MASS RAPE
South Korea and China are mighty pissed at the new Japanese history texts, which kind of don’t mention the tens of thousands of women forced into prostitution by Emperor Hirohito’s troops during WWII. Maybe Japanese officials figure they covered that subject in their porn texts.

EGYPTIAN FEMINIST AIN’T QUIT YET
The trial of leading Egyptian feminist Nawal El-Saadawi has been adjourned. The courts want to punish her for speaking out about headscarves and inheritance laws by forcing her to divorce. Check out the picture of her and her husband on this page and tell me you’ve ever seen a better couple than them.

Another US Soldier Arrested for Rape in Okinawa
I'd Like To Introduce That Guy To My Boot Camp
Thursday, July 5, 2001 A US Air Force sergeant was arrested this week in the Japanese province of Okinawa for the rape of a 20-year old Japanese woman, causing local residents to call once again for US troop reductions in the area and curfews for US servicemen. In 1995, the rape of an Okinawan 12-year-old by an American military man caused a huge outcry against the US military presence, and now this is the third incident in the space of a year in which a US serviceman in Okinawa has been charged with sexual assault - last January, three men were charged with molesting two teenaged girls, and last July, a Marine was busted for molesting a 14-year-old. The Japanese government has expressed serious concern over the latest incident, which has been one of the top news stories in Japan since it occurred, and even though the local economy depends on the US base there, many Okinawans have been rallying, demonstrating, and vocally protesting the presence of the troops, yelling things like, "Why don't you troop your sex-assaulting asses right on out of here?" and, "Oki-not-again! Oki-not-again!"

Swiss Scientists Make Eggs for the Infertile
Don't Make Mine Too Runny, Okay?
Wednesday, July 4, 2001 Scientists in Switzerland may have found a way to create healthy, productive eggs from the cells of infertile or post-menopausal women; it's been called one of the most promising developments in fertility treatment to date. The technique uses an egg from a donor, then empties the egg and fills it with a cell from the intended mother. The egg carries the mother's genetic codes, not the donor's, and the woman can then be inseminated. While this technique may be many years from being performed successfully, it is a big step forward in the quest to help infertile women bear children with their own genetic makeup. However, doctors are wary of seeing this used in cases when the intended mother is too far past menopause, and her body has already naturally decided, "You know, I think I'd rather watch that nice Judging Amy show than those Teletubbies tonight."

Lesbian Couple Will Sue University
Will Also Meg, Becky, and Fran It
Tuesday, July 3, 2001 Two women got permission from New York's Court of Appeals to sue their alma mater, Yeshiva University, for refusing to allow them to share college housing. Only married couples are allowed to share residences, which necessarily excludes gay couples, no matter how committed they may be. The university had asked that the bias case be dismissed because the housing rule discriminated against unmarried heterosexual students as well as gay ones, but the Appeals Court has decreed that the case should go to trial. This is not only another important anti-bias case for gays, it's also a wake-up call to us poor, discriminated-against unmarried hets: We're way below the "ideal" of the married-with-children family units in the social hierarchy ... plus there's that illegal sodomy stuff some of us like so much ... we need to be agitating alongside our not-narrow peeps for the rights of everyone - lesbos and bimbos, the shacked-up and the single, the celibate and the proudly slutty. We need apartments, too!